1 - to add mystery do not reveal name and / or gender of your protagonist till half way through the book when a sudden mention of their boobs / other bits will reveal it in an anticlimactic manner
2 - to appeal to female readers, make sure all your heroes are dark, angsty and have bulging pecs ( and other things)
3 - to appeal to male readers, make sure all female characters have big boobs and are raving nymphos
4 - to appeal to everyone make sure they jump into bed at least once a chapter, even if they don't fancy each other.
Especially important in non-erotica.
5 - when subbing, make sure to include chocolates as a bribe, particularly during very hot weather.
6 when writing a query make sure to put in that your mum thinks it's a literary classic
7 - Writing a query in weird fonts is a sure fire way to get an agents interest and that all important full request If you don't use wing dings, they'll think you aren't trying hard enough
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8 - You can, never, have too, many,,,,,,commas,.
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9 - Make your climax super-exciting by having your main character decide, actually, it's not worth all the bother and go for tea and scones instead[/FONT]
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10 - To make yourself look even smarter, make sure to use the most diffuse, digressive, discursive, garrulous, loquacious, prolix, protracted, rambling and of course, long, words you can. A thesaurus will help you immensely, monumentally, elaphantinely, prodigiously here
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