Gay Men--Safe Sex

What exactly do you mean by "everything else"? Are we talking about oral sex?

Because if you want to compare oral sex with anal, there are diseases one could catch from performing oral sex on someone who wasn't wearing a condom. However, there are far more and worse diseases from having vaginal/anal sex, which is why it is important to use a condom for those, if not for oral sex as well.

Does this clear everything up? ^_^

I write m/m and I always mention a condom for anal but never bother for oral because I found there was too much faffing about with condoms and it took some of the heat off the scene itself.

True, oral sex isn't safe, but it is much safer. Statistically, anal intercourse is the sex act that makes one most vulnerable to transmission of STDs. You're a lot less likely to get something from oral sex.

It also makes clean-up easier.

Darklite said:

I write m/m and I always mention a condom for anal but never bother for oral because I found there was too much faffing about with condoms and it took some of the heat off the scene itself.

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Me,too.

As a matter of fact, in gay porn they generally use condoms only for the anal part as well. Although, they don't swallow, obviously,

Wikipedia sez transmission rate (as the receptive partner) is 50 in 10,000 exposures for anal sex, and 1 in 10,000 exposuures for oral sex. (And other STIs are either curable, or can't be prevented with condom use.) It could be that people want to play the odds. IRL there are people who use condoms always, sometimes, or never, of course.

IBelong - aside from the health issues answered really well above, you bring up an interesting question about our ethical responsibility as writers.

Reading into what you are saying (correct me if I'm wrong), it can kill the moment for the reader if you throw in condom negotiation/mechanics every time you have a m/m sex scene. People read fiction for escapism, to transcend their everyday troubles, which for gay men may be the ubiquitous specter of AIDS. Fantasy is psychologically healthy so giving readers, on one hand, a world where love and sex can happen without worrying about diseases isn't such a bad thing. Our readers can differentiate between fiction and reality, right? I know I can. I practice safe sex in my personal life, but for pleasure-reading (romance or erotica) if given a choice between reading a gay sex scene with condoms or without, I'd definitely choose the latter.

But playing out the other side of the argument, what if that one condomless passage you wrote leads a reader, consciously or subconsciously, to have unsafe sex? Particularly a young reader?

I'm just raising questions, not taking sides. In my own writing, the contemporary, non-fantasy stuff at least, if the characters don't use a condom, I address the risks through the character's processing of the situation. Sometimes I feel it's evident that the character's actions are impulsive, even self-destructive based on other things that he does.

Ibelong, I beg to differ.

A good writer should be able to make the condom issue work without making it seem like an intrusion.

I've definitely seen some good examples of this. thethinker42's (forum member) m/m writing is a prime example.

You should write like people behave, is my view on it. Gay men have a great fear of HIV, particularly if you're older and lived through the eighties and nineties and saw friends and lovers alike succumb to it before there was control medicines that turned it from a killer to a cronic disease.

These days, young gays are again doing the naughty without thinking too much of protection. And I'm trying to remember any of my gay friends that have sat down and worried to much about herpes, even if it can be a pretty nasty disease in its own right. As with HIV there is no cure for Herpes.

Word.

If an otherwise mature, sensible gay guy bums someone without a condom, I'm gonna think he's a stupid arse (no pun intended) for being so careless. If it's in character - and let's face it, for most people above the age of sexual maturity who don't have a death wish - then a new lover would likely equal condom use.

Maryn said:

Since readers do indeed act out the sexy scenes we write, do we not have an obligation to show our characters acting responsibly? I feel I do, and I do have my characters use condoms and ask one another about their sexual pasts.

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No, we don't have such a responsibility. We have a responsibility to be truthful. If we're writing about a habitual sexual slob that screws anything that moves without care, we take that character seriously, and we do not pin behaviour that does not fit that character because of some perceived social responsibility.

Imagine having a seaman not use curses, just because we must take responsibility for the use of proper language... Such a book would rightly be thrown across the room as phony and trite.

My responsibility is to be true to my characters.

As a result, sometimes there are condoms, sometimes there aren't.

That said, I haven't written any characters who would use a condom for oral...

Maryn said:

Valid points. The characters I portray generally behave responsibly, though in my WIP they are not using condoms for a reason the reader understands.

I'm curious. Those of you whose characters behave irresponsibly in regard to condom use: Do you ever give them negative consequences for their behavior?

Maryn, who probably would

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If you can do it without the novel sounding like it's being dictated by the standards of the Hayes Code or you're trying to teach A Very Important Lesson, sure. You do state the reader knows why your characters are barebacking, so as long as it's part of the story, it could be done.

But I don't believe I have any sort of responsibility to portray safe sex in any sort of light, good, bad, or indifferent. I don't go out of my way to explain the untold consequences of not using a condom because I figure my readers would be intelligent enough to figure it out for themselves.

My characters use condoms for intercourse unless they are in a commited established relationship where both partners have been tested for STDs of all kinds. For oral sex I've only had one book where they used a condom for that and that was because one of the main characters had previously been a prostitute and he'd not been tested. That being said I don't really feel it is my responsibility to educate anyone on safe sex because like Ben said I trust my readers to know the consequences.

Maryn said:

Valid points. The characters I portray generally behave responsibly, though in my WIP they are not using condoms for a reason the reader understands.

I'm curious. Those of you whose characters behave irresponsibly in regard to condom use: Do you ever give them negative consequences for their behavior?

Maryn, who probably would

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I haven't yet given them any specifically pertaining to the lack of condom usage.

Their generally reckless behavior in other areas of life? Yeah, that gets 'em into trouble. But that's why they're so much fun to write about.

As far as sexual consequences go, my condom-using characters seem to be the ones who get unintended pregnancies.

Maryn said:

I'm curious. Those of you whose characters behave irresponsibly in regard to condom use: Do you ever give them negative consequences for their behavior?

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If the theme of the book is related to STD-transmission somehow, sure. If the idea is "oooh, I better give a Negative Consequence" for no-condom-use, then no.

I cut away everything that doesn't move my stories forward. If it does not move my story forward, negative consequences of condom use goes.

Besides which, negative consequences don't always happen in real life.

Maryn said:

Certainly not, but in real life, people who fooled around without protection may worry about STDs or pregnancy, even if it turns out they're okay. I'd probably have my characters fret a bit.

Maryn, big on fretting

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I stay true to the characters. If they would fret, they fret. If not, they don't.

Maxinquaye said:

No, we don't have such a responsibility. We have a responsibility to be truthful.

Imagine having a seaman not use curses, just because we must take responsibility for the use of proper language... Such a book would rightly be thrown across the room as phony and trite.

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That's what I'm thinking. I think it's laudable to advocate for safe sex, but the novel itself isn't always the place to do it. If we're worried about everything a character does being "bad modeling" then we should never write an antihero, an addict, a liar, an abuser, or any other moral/social no-no. Real people (and characters that represent them) are flawed and do foolish things. Real readers ought to be able to differentiate between fantasy and reality or we should never show violence on television for fear of bad modeling.

With all that said, if a certain character is the type who would use a condom IRL, it seems a little sloppy and OOC to write out the condom for the sake of hotness. If the character is something of a risktaker/foolish, then it would seem in-character and appropriate to leave it out. If the character is sensible enough to play it safe, then write it in and let even the safety be hot in its own right. It'll probably ring more true to the character, and your readers who are equally sensible/safe will be validated that safety does not equal boring.