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View Full Version : HELP! My Brain Needs a HUG!!!!



Jaycinth
02-19-2010, 01:09 AM
I am frustrated, frustrated and underrated, I tell you!!!:Headbang:

.... and I cannot cuss about it, otherwise this little rant would be in the House of Hate.

(I hate that I cannot rant about this, but that is a different rant.)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
I’ve been at AW for a few years and I have learned more than I ever dreamed there could be to learn about writing and publishing and getting published. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
I have even learned that I will probably never learn everything there is to learn about writing and publishing and creative media.
<o:p> </o:p>
I know one thing for a fact: I know more about the subject than either of the two department heads... Terry and Oswald<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
There is a novel that wants publishing, and it is in terrible shape. Salvageable...but unpublishable in its current form. I've told some of you about this.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
(Well, I have to admit that there are places that we ALL know about and these places will be happy to publish it exactly as is...for a fee.)
<o:p> </o:p>
Ok...go back...way back to 2001...before I worked here...Lainie was given the task of getting the novel published...
<o:p></o:p>
(What...? what my company does.? We’ll just say that the firm that employs me takes on any project that they deem is feasible. Believe me when I type: If you came up with a plan to grow smiling purple carrots on the left side of the Empire State Building in January, and you had a well written business plan, my company would be happy to look at it to see if it is feasible enough to warrant either investment in, or outright purchase of your idea.)
<o:p> </o:p>
Lainie wrote the worlds’ worst query letter and sent it to 150 publishers she found on line. There were no responses.:Headbang: Not even from subsidy publishers!<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Several people have pulled it out over the years. They’ve sent the same query letter to the same exact publishers, and the result was the same.
<o:p> </o:p>
A former staff member-friend told a current staffer that I had something published and I know about the process of writing/publishing, so I was dragged on board at that point. (BTW, my job title has nothing to do with writing or publishing...my job is the systematic, ritualistic torture and abuse of consultants and employees alike. (..there were many who tried to prove they were badder, but they didn’t last and they died as they tried....))<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
AHEM::: I digress.
<o:p> </o:p>
So, I researched getting things in print.... (not too hard since that is what I have been dedicating almost all of my waking hours to since......ah......I’m not even going to hint at my age...)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
We all know that there is a process for pitching and selling one’s work.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
We all know that the process for fiction is different from non-fiction.
<o:p> </o:p>
We all know that, no matter how closely an author clings to historical reality, that historical fiction IS fiction, and not a text book for reference.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
So, I’ve done all the ‘leg work’ twice as it is; I’ve gone through the process of explaining that one can ‘pitch’ an incomplete non-fiction project based on an excellent outline and several well-crafted sample chapters, but unless one is a well-known published author like..well Stephan King..comes to mind a publisher is going to want to see a finished product before considering an unsolicited fictional manuscript by an unknown author with no track record....We’ve discussed and agreed on the fact that the project needs to be completely re-written. We’ve even discussed that any big publisher...like Penguin or Random House...even if they agreed to read the manuscript, would turn it down and never speak to us again after getting to the 4<SUP>th</SUP> page.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
I’ve taken Oswald and Terry (the new and improved ‘Lainies’) to some of the publishers’ websites and shown them the submission guidelines. I’ve gone over everything that has been done before...<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
And what I’ve gotten for my trouble is “Great work, Jay. This is really thorough and well thought out. You really know what you are doing. Now take this list of publishers and send them each a letter asking what steps they want us to take to get this published, how soon can we expect a contract, and when will we get paid.”:Headbang:<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
(Are your jaws moving but no words coming out? Yeah..it was kinda like that.)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
“But, Oswald...I just told you....”<o:p></o:p>
“Yes, I understand what you have told me. You have been very thorough. Now here is the list of publishers we want contacted. (same list as Lainie used. Just looking it over...well some of them are out of business ...and...welllllll some of them are subsidy publishers, and most of them are ‘agented only.)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Deep:Headbang: breath.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
I can back out of the whole thing, hide in my office, and watch it fail...again....<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
OR, I can do EXACTLY as I am instructed and wait for them to come back with the expected response and then say :”Well, I TOLD YOU SO OSWALD, now let’s do it the right way. (however, I refuse to sign those letters. If I sign those letters, I will never get my own stuff published as I will have announced to the world that I am an idiot).
<o:p></o:p>
The second way could take a year or more..during which time I will likely get another Oswald, Terry or Lainie and have to repeat the entire process.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Did I, at some point offend the gods of writing? Am I in hell?

Isn't there...somewhere on one of these threads...something that 'Uncle Jim' wrote down about how to get ones self published?

(Should I pull it up on my screen and force Oswald to look at it real close like???)<o:p></o:p>

regdog
02-19-2010, 01:26 AM
:Hug2:

Face it Jay, dumb is forever

Judg
02-19-2010, 01:39 AM
Posts like this make me very, very happy my health does not permit me to hold a 9 to 5 job.

Is it at all possible to look him straight in the eye and say, "I can do this if you want, but I guarantee you a negative response. That's not how the publishing industry works." And then come up with a more realistic plan of attack? Maybe even include the bit about not wanting to put your name on it. Or would that be committing suicide as far as your job is concerned?

ETA: hugs for your brain :Hug2:

quickWit
02-19-2010, 01:42 AM
:roll:


*ahem*

Oh, I'm sorry you're having a hard time, pigeon.
Come on...give us a hug.












:roll:

Fran
02-19-2010, 01:52 AM
Do your talents run to forgery?

Sign Oswald's name on the letters. :evil :Hug2:

Del
02-19-2010, 01:53 AM
Bummer...

Hey, since no one is going to respond anyway...Does Oswald have a signiture stamp you could misappropriate? Who's going to know... :evil

Possible solutions:

A: Send the letters signed Stampwald, save face (for the publishing word will pin his 'stupidest letters' to the break room bulletin boards), say "I told you so" next year.

B: Lie. "Yes I mailed them last week from home after I slaved evenings on them," still say "I told you so" next year.

c: Seek gainful employment with companies who don't hire the mentally handicapped.

D: All the above.

ETA:Or you might find peace while sitting among the blood and mangled bodies of your coworkers after a postal explosion and serenely sipping on a hose that is attached to a Seagrams Seven tanker truck.

After recuperation and learning to walk again pick C.

Jaycinth
02-19-2010, 01:53 AM
Is it at all possible to look him straight in the eye and say, "I can do this if you want, but I guarantee you a negative response. That's not how the publishing industry works." And then come up with a more realistic plan of attack?

Yes. I did that. And I got that blank stare of a non-writer and was told to do it anyway to see what happens.

It is as if someone told you to pour katsup on the floor to see if the katsup would actually pour onto the floor.

I came up with the realistic plan of attack. Terry is a Do**** b*g and Oswald is the servant of the D*****.

No, my job is not on the line if I tell them they are crazy...what is more likely to happen is that I will ...


*SNAP*

and do things to undermine their effectiveness, thus getting them fired, thus having to live through the whole thing starting all over again.

I'm trying to break this cycle, you see.

Am I crazy or just a screaming lunatic in nice red high-heels?

quickWit
02-19-2010, 02:01 AM
Am I crazy or just a screaming lunatic in nice red high-heels?

Does cray know you borrowed his shoes, Jay?

Del
02-19-2010, 02:07 AM
Am I crazy or just a screaming lunatic in nice red high-heels?


Does cray know you borrowed his shoes, Jay?

OMG!!! The sparkely ones?

quickWit
02-19-2010, 02:15 AM
OMG!!! The sparkely ones?

She doesn't have the calves for the sparkly ones.

Leukman
02-19-2010, 02:25 AM
Oh, I'm sorry you're having a hard time, pigeon.
Come on...give us a hug.



:roll:

You said pigeon.

:roll:


OMG!!! The sparkely ones?


Nuh-uh! You know those too?!?

Damn! qWitter, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

You're that girl at the prom who has the same dress as a half dozen other girls, who thought they'd look good and unique and...

*ahem*

:Wha:

What thread am I in?

STKlingaman
02-19-2010, 02:29 AM
Well, pull it out and give it a hug.


wait . . . that didn't sound quite right.

benbradley
02-19-2010, 02:38 AM
Firstly, I copy-pasted your post into a text file and copied it back to remove the teeny-font formatting and get the default font and size so I could read it. I'm quoting from that rather than your post.

And what I’ve gotten for my trouble is “Great work, Jay. This is really thorough and well thought out. You really know what you are doing. Now take this list of publishers and send them each a letter asking what steps they want us to take to get this published, how soon can we expect a contract, and when will we get paid.”

(Are your jaws moving but no words coming out? Yeah..it was kinda like that.)

“But, Oswald...I just told you....”
“Yes, I understand what you have told me. You have been very thorough. Now here is the list of publishers we want contacted.
"Look, it's obvious you've done your own research, you already know more about publishing than I do, so you need to do it all yourself. If you MUST use me as a reference, be sure to only use my pen name, Alan Smithee. That's A-L-A-N, S-M-I-T-H-E-E."


(same list as Lainie used. Just looking it over...well some of them are out of business ...and...welllllll some of them are subsidy publishers, and most of them are ‘agented only.)

Deep breath.

I can back out of the whole thing, hide in my office, and watch it fail...again....

OR, I can do EXACTLY as I am instructed and wait for them to come back with the expected response and then say :”Well, I TOLD YOU SO OSWALD, now let’s do it the right way. (however, I refuse to sign those letters. If I sign those letters, I will never get my own stuff published as I will have announced to the world that I am an idiot).
Say you have to sign them with the name Alan Smithee, that it's the only way you'll agree to have any involvement.

Did I, at some point offend the gods of writing? Am I in hell?

Isn't there...somewhere on one of these threads...something that 'Uncle Jim' wrote down about how to get ones self published?

(Should I pull it up on my screen and force Oswald to look at it real close like???)"
"You have to do this yourself to find a publisher who will give your manuscript the chance it deserves."

That's about the only thing that comes to mind...

ad_lucem
02-19-2010, 03:05 AM
Wow, well...

Um...

(((brain hug)))

Sorry. If I read what I just think I read...I'm surprised these people are employed and paid good money by someone.

Susie
02-19-2010, 03:15 AM
:Hug2:s for meh Jacinth. Kiss a*ss! :D

cray
02-19-2010, 03:42 AM
*scopes out jaycinth's brain. hugs it. passes it along to the next aw-er.*

Seams
02-19-2010, 03:54 AM
Squishie hugs - passes it on

Lauretta
02-19-2010, 04:09 AM
Mega big hug

http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Love/friends-071.gif

Jaycinth
02-19-2010, 05:34 AM
Does cray know you borrowed his shoes, Jay?

Of course not. He thinks you're wearing them, Oswald.


OMG!!! The sparkely ones?

No, Leukman is wearing the sparkly ones.


She doesn't have the calves for the sparkly ones. Which is why Leukman is wearing them.

Why are you fellas cluttering up my thread with your scandalous papparazzi fashion critiquing ways!

Jaycinth
02-19-2010, 05:36 AM
Firstly, I copy-pasted your post into a text file and copied it back to remove the teeny-font formatting and get the default font and size so I could read it. I'm quoting from that rather than your post.

"Look, it's obvious you've done your own research, you already know more about publishing than I do, so you need to do it all yourself. If you MUST use me as a reference, be sure to only use my pen name, Alan Smithee. That's A-L-A-N, S-M-I-T-H-E-E."


"You have to do this yourself to find a publisher who will give your manuscript the chance it deserves."

That's about the only thing that comes to mind...

You know...on the ride home, Ben, I kinda came to the same conclusion. You have to allow your child to fall off the ski jump if he's going to become a successful mortician.

Jaycinth
02-19-2010, 05:37 AM
*scopes out jaycinth's brain. hugs it. passes it along to the next aw-er.*


Awwwwwwww.......:D

writerterri
02-19-2010, 06:18 AM
Can you write bigger, Dork. Some of us are blind!

Ken
02-19-2010, 06:30 AM
... nice to see such support.
Adding mine.

Haggis
02-19-2010, 06:49 AM
You know, Jay, I simply can't help someone who spells Stephen King's first name as "Stephan." I thought we'd worked that one out before.

Sheesh.

Yeshanu
02-19-2010, 07:35 AM
And what I’ve gotten for my trouble is “Great work, Jay. This is really thorough and well thought out. You really know what you are doing. Now take this list of publishers and send them each a letter asking what steps they want us to take to get this published, how soon can we expect a contract, and when will we get paid.”:Headbang:<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>


Okay, Jay, here's my suggestion:

Write up a letter to send to the publishers. Show them an envelope addressed to a publisher, so that you've proved you've done what they ask.

Then shred the letter, and write the reply. You could be nice and outline the steps you've already told them, or you could read "Rotten Rejections" and steal a good one (or a few good ones...)

Have some fun.

Then sit back with a superior smile on your face and say, "I told you so..."

:D

regdog
02-19-2010, 04:06 PM
Okay, Jay, here's my suggestion:

Write up a letter to send to the publishers. Show them an envelope addressed to a publisher, so that you've proved you've done what they ask.

Then shred the letter, and write the reply. You could be nice and outline the steps you've already told them, or you could read "Rotten Rejections" and steal a good one (or a few good ones...)

Have some fun.

Then sit back with a superior smile on your face and say, "I told you so..."

:D

I vote for this option

Jaycinth
02-20-2010, 02:11 AM
Can you write bigger, Dork. Some of us are blind!







Can you read smaller, Terri?...some of us are dorks.
You know, Jay, I simply can't help someone who spells Stephen King's first name as "Stephan." I thought we'd worked that one out before.

Sheesh.

And I thought we discussed the fact that I exist to annoy you.

bettielee
02-20-2010, 06:14 AM
...dorked again....

Jaycinth!

**hugs Jaycinth's brainz**

Do Leopold or Oswald (sorry, couldn't be bothered to look up their names)
look like this dude right here?

http://i240.photobucket.com/albums/ff30/BarkingCarnival/office-space.jpg