PDA

View Full Version : So why is it....



Mr Flibble
02-14-2010, 12:50 AM
So I just came back from a speaker event at my writers' group ( hai guys) and I took a bit of time to watch the rugger after and I'm talking to this guy. Great to talk to, we're talking Irish politics and the battle of naseby and why Bluecoats are bluecoats and why pubs are Red Lions and not Blue Lions and all sorts of interesting shit ( thanks to Eyeblink for forestalling an interesting theological debate re only Catholics are religious o.o :D)

So, given that I made it clear very early on I'm married why is it guys think I find you interesting to talk to = I want to boff your brains out? I had to be quite firm at the end.

Sometimes women just wanna talk, ya know?

Sophia
02-14-2010, 01:01 AM
So, given that I made it clear very early on I'm married why is it guys think I find you interesting to talk to = I want to boff your brains out? I had to be quite firm at the end.

Sometimes women just wanna talk, ya know?

I find this so depressing when it happens. If I'm talking one-on-one with someone, I tend to talk their ear off and get into quite in-depth conversations (I think it's a writerly thing - I want details, details!) I find people's interests and viewpoints fascinating, and if there is a shared interest, then jackpot! But that's all there is to it. When guys think this means I fancy them, it makes me go from thinking what a great conversation we just had to wishing I'd never talked to them, and how all that time what they were thinking was completely different to what I'd thought they were thinking.

And then it gets worse if they decide I'd been leading them on. :(

Mr Flibble
02-14-2010, 01:02 AM
Exactly!

bettielee
02-14-2010, 01:08 AM
so.. didja do him?

**blam!**

**covers black eye**

Sorry. But seriously. #1: Hey girl, you still got it! #2: You never know with some people. Who knows what goes thru their heads. And its not just men, cuz some women take "I'm married" to mean "I'm playing hard to get."

Maryn
02-14-2010, 01:09 AM
And when it no longer happens, you may find it odd that you miss it.

Some guys are just set to bop mode at all times. They come on to every female who doesn't disgust them, without regard to her availability, status, or wishes. The odds for getting some lovin' are much higher if you approach 1000 women, most of whom have no interest in you that way and have made it perfectly obvious, than if you approach only the 10 who you know are maybes.

Maryn, observer

Mr Flibble
02-14-2010, 01:18 AM
And when it no longer happens, you may find it odd that you miss it.

Well it was flattering - to start with.


Yes I suppose I might miss it - when it's Karl Urban...

Take what you can get I suppose :D

Fran
02-14-2010, 01:20 AM
Some men think paying them any attention at all is leading them on. It's unfortunate.

Shakesbear
02-14-2010, 01:23 AM
Hmph! I hate it when a man has a conversation with me and he is staring at my cleavage. I sort of know what to expect then, and ask if he likes my twins. Interesting the varying shades of red some men can make their faces go in response to that question!

Jersey Chick
02-14-2010, 01:27 AM
:ROFL:

I was chatting away with some guy in the olive oil/marinade aisle in the grocery store - thought nothing of it - and when I got home and was relating it to Jersey Guy, he said, "You know - he was hitting on you."

D'oh. Never even crossed my mind. I'm so clueless sometimes. **facepalm**

ad_lucem
02-14-2010, 01:49 AM
My husband had a buddy that I was actually buddies with (the rest of his friends could seriously drop off the face of the earth and I would probably drop to my knees in praise of the Good Lord for saving me from their company)... until we started dating and then neither of us had a buddy anymore. Exactly for this reason.

I've come to wonder if women can be married and have close, personal male friends who aren't gay or thinking...as bettielee so rightly pointed out...aren't thinking "she's playing hard to get"...

I sincerely hope I'm wrong.

Sheryl Nantus
02-14-2010, 02:00 AM
I had a gay man ask me out. He claimed that I was the only woman he'd ever been attracted to.

I'm still debating whether that was a Good Thing or not.

Not a bad date, even if he did dress better than I did. And took me to a faboo gay club on Yonge Street. The Brass Rail, if I do recall correctly...

;)

Fran
02-14-2010, 02:18 AM
I was chatting away with some guy in the olive oil/marinade aisle in the grocery store...

Now, if it had been the baby oil aisle... :D

Wayne K
02-14-2010, 03:19 AM
I want to boff all of you, so :nothing

Toothpaste
02-14-2010, 03:23 AM
The Brass Rail, if I do recall correctly...

;)

That would be a very hetero strip joint. :) I think you must be thinking of something else.

I seriously don't know how to handle the situation detailed in this thread. Oh, I mean, I know what to say in the moment, and how to very sternly say "No". But the concept behind it. The idea that the only reason a man has a conversation with you is because he thinks he's getting some. I find, more often than not, that is the prevailing thought. And it makes me sad.

All my life I've wanted to be considered a person first.

Though I suppose the irony is, when the time comes when I am finally considered just that, I'll probably miss the attention.

Life is complicated.

scarletpeaches
02-14-2010, 03:23 AM
I don't get why women get pissed off at men wanting to boff them. What's wrong with someone finding you attractive?

Hell, if I'm talking to a good-looking man, sure I'm wondering what he's like in bed. If he's a looker of course my thoughts are gonna run that way.

Wayne K
02-14-2010, 03:25 AM
Thank you :D

ad_lucem
02-14-2010, 04:00 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYLsyNBnE5M

:Shrug:

Toothpaste
02-14-2010, 04:04 AM
I don't get why women get pissed off at men wanting to boff them. What's wrong with someone finding you attractive?




It's because many times, a guy can just be faking interest in the conversation you are having with them in order to make you like them so you'll sleep with them (as if that would really work, but they think it nonetheless). That really is a sucky feeling when you think you're just having a nice conversation with someone who thinks you're smart, and it turns out he doesn't care about a thing you've said.

Yes, obviously, there is such a thing as sexual attraction. But there is also such a thing as just wanting to talk. And it seems to me almost all men, regardless of what they look like etc, think that when a woman is spending time talking to them that means they're getting laid.

I don't mind people being attracted to me. But I also want people to respect me, listen to my opinions, and have conversations with me because they want to have conversations with me, not because they want to get something out of it.

scarletpeaches
02-14-2010, 04:07 AM
And it seems to me almost all men, regardless of what they look like etc, think that when a woman is spending time talking to them that means they're getting laid.

I don't mind people being attracted to me. But I also want people to respect me, listen to my opinions, and have conversations with me because they want to have conversations with me, not because they want to get something out of it.It might be a good idea not to generalise about men, then, if you want men to stop generalising about women.

"Almost all men...?" Nuh-huh. Imagine how offensive it would sound if a man made a sweeping statement about our gender.

Wayne K
02-14-2010, 04:09 AM
Y'all have been hanging out with the wrong guys is all. I know more than a few guys who don't act like that. I know there are a lot of assholes, but there are guys who don't act like that.

scarletpeaches
02-14-2010, 04:11 AM
Y'all have been hanging out with the wrong guys is all. I know more than a few guys who don't act like that. I know there are a lot of assholes, but there are guys who don't act like that.And there are women who are total bitches.

There are faults on both sides and good people on both sides.

Personally I think if you're talking to a man who only wants to get into your pants and you don't realise it, there's something wrong with your character judgement. If you pay attention you can tell.

To paraphrase Wilde, the only thing worse than having a man try to boff you is a man not trying to boff you.

Sophia
02-14-2010, 04:21 AM
I don't get why women get pissed off at men wanting to boff them. What's wrong with someone finding you attractive?

Hell, if I'm talking to a good-looking man, sure I'm wondering what he's like in bed. If he's a looker of course my thoughts are gonna run that way.

There's nothing wrong with it. It's not like I'm thinking, "Oh, he's just another chump who fancies me, how tiresome," or something along those lines. It's about thinking I've made a connection with someone mostly for my personality, but then getting the strong feeling that it was nothing to do with that, and that if they didn't think they had a chance with me, they wouldn't be talking to me at all.

A large part of it is about feeling unsafe. I go into a situation thinking it's one thing, and realize it's another, and the thought is there that it's possible it could get dangerous. I don't think I'm flirting but I'm obviously not being clear about it, and I feel I'm losing my footing in the situation. I'm not "pissed off". But I do feel disturbed and upset.

Note, this doesn't apply to all situations when someone talks to me, just ones similar to what IRU described. And they're very rare. I'm not generalising to any and all conversations with blokes. And I'm not "women". I'm speaking for me, and this is just how I am. If you think all this means there's something wrong with my character judgement and instincts, of course that's your prerogative, but you'll understand if I tell you to go # yourself.

Ambrosia
02-14-2010, 04:31 AM
My husband had a buddy that I was actually buddies with (the rest of his friends could seriously drop off the face of the earth and I would probably drop to my knees in praise of the Good Lord for saving me from their company)... until we started dating and then neither of us had a buddy anymore. Exactly for this reason.

I've come to wonder if women can be married and have close, personal male friends who aren't gay or thinking...as bettielee so rightly pointed out...aren't thinking "she's playing hard to get"...

I sincerely hope I'm wrong.
(bolding mine)

Yes, they can because I have had close, personal male friends who are neither gay or trying to get me into bed with them.

Wayne K
02-14-2010, 04:39 AM
Yeah, that's another generalization. That if a guy doesn't want to sleep with a woman, they're gay. Thank you Ambrosia, I think a lot of women are so traumatized by these grabby morons, that they forget there are nice guys out there. Even straight ones.

Its a shame.

Jersey Chick
02-14-2010, 04:46 AM
Now, if it had been the baby oil aisle... :D
:D

I've always had guy friends (and until now, never thought they put up with me only because they want to sleep with me) - more than I have women friends. I'm more at ease with guys. It's weird.

Which is why I tend to not realize they are hitting on me until someone else points it out.

It's really a wonder I ever ended up married... ;)

Silver King
02-14-2010, 04:49 AM
...So, given that I made it clear very early on I'm married why is it guys think I find you interesting to talk to = I want to boff your brains out?
You might be surprised to hear that the reverse is true as well, and how some women take a kind word to mean that the door is kicked wide open for a roll in hay. Then they get all flustered when they realize the man is not interested, as if it were the first time they'd ever been turned down.

Had a woman get so mad at me once for not sharing the same feelings that she called my spouse and said that I'd tried to get in her pants. My wife said, "Yeah, right. Like you would have turned him down, you sleazy so-and-so?"

Good thing that woman's reputation for targeting married men was well known at the time.

Rowan
02-14-2010, 04:53 AM
Well it was flattering - to start with.


Yes I suppose I might miss it - when it's Karl Urban...

Take what you can get I suppose :D

Karl Urban :hooray: You'd knock him over getting to the hotel room! ;)

DL Hegel
02-14-2010, 04:55 AM
So I just came back from a speaker event at my writers' group ( hai guys) and I took a bit of time to watch the rugger after and I'm talking to this guy. Great to talk to, we're talking Irish politics and the battle of naseby and why Bluecoats are bluecoats and why pubs are Red Lions and not Blue Lions and all sorts of interesting shit ( thanks to Eyeblink for forestalling an interesting theological debate re only Catholics are religious o.o :D)

So, given that I made it clear very early on I'm married why is it guys think I find you interesting to talk to = I want to boff your brains out? I had to be quite firm at the end.

Sometimes women just wanna talk, ya know?

I have theory...I was told by a male friend... it's bcs I spoke directly, wax confidence, smile a lot, make direct eye contact...and that I was at the top of food chain (I'm guessing he meant I
was attractive by that...bcs I am not betty crocker).

It never bothers me, unless they get rude. I smile, and ignore it or I smile and make a joke about it. It's not just fellows who do that to ladies. I have a married
male friend who is very nice looking and has a personality very much like mine...it happens to him all the time.

Toothpaste
02-14-2010, 05:07 AM
It might be a good idea not to generalise about men, then, if you want men to stop generalising about women.

"Almost all men...?" Nuh-huh. Imagine how offensive it would sound if a man made a sweeping statement about our gender.

Eh, I said "almost" didn't I? In fact I made a distinct point of saying that as opposed to "all". I guess I should have said "some", but honestly, I have to say, it's more often than not. At least in my experience.

Look, I know a lot of really great guys. Guys who totally respect me for my brains etc. But many of these guys have also admitted to having at first had those thoughts about me as we talked. Once we got to know each other, then it got better.

You know what, I stick by my statement. I find that almost all guys, especially ones you have only just met, tend to have long conversations with women because they are attracted to them first. Maybe along the way they actually find the woman interesting, but I do believe there is a difference between how men and women interact. Especially on a first meeting.

A woman will often just talk to a guy because she wants to chat. Usually a guy will come up to a girl to chat with her because he's attracted to her.

I think that's where the confusion ultimately comes in. Guys think that girls are doing the same thing they are. When we aren't. Well . . . not always. :)

(and yes I know, some women do approach men they find attractive and chat with them just to hit on them too, I'm not saying they don't. Interestingly though, I know more women who shy away from the guys they find attractive because they are intimidated and so just chat with the ones that they aren't interested in. It's a weird world. Oh . . .and yes, I agree with you, there are some terrible women out there as well. Pointing out a recognised behaviour in one gender does not negate a behaviour in the other.)

Silver King
02-14-2010, 05:21 AM
...I find that almost all guys, especially ones you have only just met, tend to have long conversations with women because they are attracted to them first...
Do you mean to say that "almost all guys" who have ever talked to you did so because they found you physically attractive? If so, that's very sad. And I'd wager heavily that your perception is either wrong or misguided or heavily influenced by some of your past experiences that now color almost all of your current interactions with men.

dolores haze
02-14-2010, 05:24 AM
Toothpaste is a very beautiful woman. I'm sure that has something to do with it.

Wayne K
02-14-2010, 05:27 AM
I'm going to agree with SK. When I was younger gay men hit on me all the time. It got annoying, So is it safe to assume they're all oversexed freaks? no, it was my experience.

I'll agree with Dolores too. Good looking ladies get the brunt of horn dogs. It ain't fair, but it is the way it is.

Toothpaste
02-14-2010, 05:30 AM
You know Silver King. I can't say for sure, you're right. And please don't anyone think I have some overblown ego concerning my appearance. Trust me, it is rather the opposite most days. However, I have come to this conclusion only after constantly being shocked by it being the case. Having what I think is a delightful conversation with someone only to then have them ask me out (when I am so not interested). Chatting with an older man who suddenly wants to know very personal things about me. It just keeps happening. And it surprises me every time.

Sadly from all those experiences I have learned that most often, guys I just meet if they show a lot of interest in what I'm saying, tend to also be the ones to follow up such conversations with an invitation (I have also come to this conclusion having chatted with my girl friends and hearing their stories as well).

My past experiences may definitely colour some of my interactions, but it has taken me a long time to come to this conclusion, having always assumed everyone was just people first and saw others as such as well.

I'm sorry if my conclusion offends. I'm sorry if you think the men I hang out with are bad examples of mankind (this would include authors, very intelligent peers in school, people who have since become good friends of mine), and that I need to meet other men.

I think too maybe people think I'm talking about some leering gross guy with drool coming out of his mouth. I'm talking about generally nice men, smart men. I'm not talking about them doing anything bad, like grabbing me inappropriately. I'm simply referring to being asked out at the end of it. Or rather overt flirting as the evening wears on.

Again, I like men. All my guy friends rock. I'm just calling it as I see it.

scarletpeaches
02-14-2010, 05:33 AM
I find that almost all guys, especially ones you have only just met, tend to have long conversations with women because they are attracted to them first. Maybe along the way they actually find the woman interesting, but I do believe there is a difference between how men and women interact. Especially on a first meeting.Well that's rather stating the obvious isn't it? That people (because it's not just men) first of all see our appearances rather than our personalities. I don't find it at all surprising that the type of men being discussed approach women they fancy for a conversation. I mean, given the choice, I'd rather spend time with someone who was easy on the eye, too.

I just find it really hard to have sympathy for anyone (and this is a general statement, not a reply to your post) who complains about being chatted up. Oh my, someone finds you attractive? Watch my heart bleed.

It's a compliment. Get over it. If they persist and don't back off, then you strongarm them, but until then? Someone thinks you're pretty. (Or handsome, if you're a bloke). I fail to see the negative here.

Silver King
02-14-2010, 05:35 AM
Toothpaste is a very beautiful woman...
Well in that case, I should ask her out. :D

scarletpeaches
02-14-2010, 05:35 AM
I'm talking about generally nice men, smart men. I'm not talking about them doing anything bad, like grabbing me inappropriately. I'm simply referring to being asked out at the end of it. Or rather overt flirting as the evening wears on.I really don't see what's wrong with this. So...men find you attractive and ask you out? The alternative is a far lonelier proposition.

dolores haze
02-14-2010, 05:38 AM
Well in that case, I should ask her out. :D

I think you should play hard to get.

Rowan
02-14-2010, 05:39 AM
I hear where you're coming from, Toothpaste. It's disheartening when you can't have a friendly chat with someone without the other party thinking you want to take it to the next level. It makes you wonder if you're giving them the wrong impression, etc. too. It's especially annoying when either you or the other party is married, and obviously so!

I believe my experiences are 'tainted' by my profession (or prior)...but I think your perception is right on target as you've always struck me as a sharp cookie! :)

Toothpaste
02-14-2010, 05:41 AM
SP - I know what you mean. But I'm not talking about being chatted up. Maybe the OP was, I don't know, but I'm talking about something different.

Yeah, someone hits on you, it's flattering. Suck it up.

It's when you aren't in that situation. When you think you are just hanging out with a group of friends. When you are having a conversation with someone who you think actually thinks what you are saying is interesting and it turns out they are only pretending to care so they can get in your pants that makes me sad.

It's also when you find someone really interesting and want to talk with them, and he thinks the reason you're talking with him is because you want to sleep with him. Uh, no, I want to have a conversation.

I had a director at theatre school like that once. When he'd talk to women he'd flirt with them, when he'd talk with men he'd chat about the industry and about being a director. I always really hated missing out on those conversations just because I was a girl. Even when I tried to have them with him, he'd change the subject. It was really annoying

It isn't such a big deal usually. But there are certain professional moments where it can get frustrating. Like, for example, when I'm with a group of male authors and I want to be considered a peer not a "girl", and often you find that they will flirt with you but talk shop with each other.

It can get frustrating.


ETA: saw your latest post about being asked out etc. More often than not I'm not interested in the man I'm chatting with and don't say yes. That's part of what the OP was saying, men think we are interested when we aren't so then not only are we not able to have a sincere conversation with them, we then have to awkwardly refuse their advances that are based on the false conclusion that we like them and then we're considered a tease. I've been called a "game player" before for just such a reason.

scarletpeaches
02-14-2010, 05:43 AM
How do relationships start? By one person expressing an interest and the other responding.

How are these guys supposed to find out if you're interested or not? Well, unless they're psychic, the only way is to ask.

I think men are getting a rough deal in this thread. Damned if they do, damned if they don't. How the hell else are they supposed to discover whether or not a woman likes them back? Are they not allowed to put out even tentative feelers?

Now, if they know you're married or whatever, then fair enough. If they persist, they're...well, stupid at best, sleazy at worst.

But if a guy thinks you're getting along well enough and he wants to see you again, then...that's a good thing.

No, you might not be romantically interested, but SOMEONE LIKES YOU. This is a GOOD THING. Politely decline, move on. Don't think the less of the guy for it. He's been brave enough to express a romantic interest in you. Give him props for that, for God's sake; don't tear him a new one.

ETA: Not posted as a reply to Toothpaste; sorry - you ninja-posted before I could hit 'post reply'! :D

Wayne K
02-14-2010, 05:47 AM
My friend Adam owns Consolidated Freight ways, he's a billionaire. He tells me that every almost every woman he meets tries to get him to marry them. He's ugly and fat, and not very interesting, so when they tell him they're attracted to him, he sees it for what it is.: A woman trying to marry him for his money.

That doesn't make all women prostitutes. Its his experience. Its the same thing here. I know plenty of guys who don't act like that

Toothpaste
02-14-2010, 05:48 AM
Rowan - Thanks hon.

I'm worried I'm not exactly coming across right in this conversation. I don't hate men, and not all men love me. But in making these arguments it's coming across as such.

Honestly, I'm more often single than not, I have girlfriends who get far more attention. I'm not trying to hold myself up as something. Or suggesting that all men are pigs. I'm speaking in a matter of degrees, not absolutes. I'm just saying what I've observed. Possibly not that articulately.

Toothpaste
02-14-2010, 05:51 AM
.

ETA: Not posted as a reply to Toothpaste; sorry - you ninja-posted before I could hit 'post reply'! :D

Me and my ninja abilities!

I know what you mean Scarlet. And I do agree. This is a very complicated issue actually.

My biggest problem is not being considered a peer by men. And that has happened. I want to be respected for what I can do. I want to have interesting conversations where both parties are just enjoying the conversation, not where one is secretly hoping for sex at the end of it.

At any rate, I've said my peace. I think men are lovely. I just wish sometimes I could be part of the club. And I know I never really will be.

BlackMagic528
02-14-2010, 05:51 AM
When you think you are just hanging out with a group of friends. When you are having a conversation with someone who you think actually thinks what you are saying is interesting and it turns out they are only pretending to care so they can get in your pants that makes me sad.

I probably don't want any part of this thread, and I'll likely bow out quickly. But I have to ask why you're so sure the men are "pretending?" Is it not possible that they are geniunely interested in the conversation and interaction they are having with you and that is the reason they decide to ask you out?

Again, I'm sure I won't have a lot of participation in this thread. :)

Wayne K
02-14-2010, 05:54 AM
Y'all post too fast

Rowan
02-14-2010, 05:55 AM
I have no problem with a guy (single) expressing an interest--but this is what I'm getting at (from Toothpaste's post, since she said it best):

It's also when you find someone really interesting and want to talk with them, and he thinks the reason you're talking with him is because you want to sleep with him. Uh, no, I want to have a conversation.
I had a director at theatre school like that once. When he'd talk to women he'd flirt with them, when he'd talk with men he'd chat about the industry and about being a director. I always really hated missing out on those conversations just because I was a girl. Even when I tried to have them with him, he'd change the subject. It was really annoying
It isn't such a big deal usually. But there are certain professional moments where it can get frustrating. Like, for example, when I'm with a group of male authors and I want to be considered a peer not a "girl", and often you find that they will flirt with you but talk shop with each other.
I had the same problem and I won't bore anyone with the details but a lot of it had to do with my profession (LE).
But good points all around... :)

scarletpeaches
02-14-2010, 05:59 AM
Me and my ninja abilities!

I know what you mean Scarlet. And I do agree. This is a very complicated issue actually.

My biggest problem is not being considered a peer by men. And that has happened. I want to be respected for what I can do. I want to have interesting conversations where both parties are just enjoying the conversation, not where one is secretly hoping for sex at the end of it.

At any rate, I've said my peace. I think men are lovely. I just wish sometimes I could be part of the club. And I know I never really will be.Start your own club! :D

But seriously...I don't worry about not being considered a peer by men. Probably because I'm not pretty enough to be looked upon as a sex kitten with not a 'professional' bone in her body. And quite a few of the guys I know are...well, they're really cool. Some married, some single. Some my age, some not. No romantic prospects there, but the friendly folk make up for that, when I'm in a sociable mood.

Of course I know some arseholes too. That's life.

Without wanting this to turn into a 'poor me' whine, think of the women who'd long to get a man's notice in a romantic sense but don't, though, because their face doesn't fit.

You say you'll never be part of the club? Well there are women out there who would long to be part of the 'possible girlfriends club' but know they never will be because they're just not the sort of woman men look at like that.

(And it's Valentine's Day here too. Allow me to go slit my wrists).

I probably don't want any part of this thread, and I'll likely bow out quickly. But I have to ask why you're so sure the men are "pretending?" Is it not possible that they are geniunely interested in the conversation and interaction they are having with you and that is the reason they decide to ask you out?

Again, I'm sure I won't have a lot of participation in this thread. :)Quoting this because it's actually a bloody good point.

A guy might not be thinking solely with his dick when he asks you out. You might have stimulated other parts of him too!

Toothpaste
02-14-2010, 06:15 AM
BlackMagic - I don't know if they're pretending true. And in such situations, it's more of a nuisance than a big deal. And maybe you're right, maybe I am just that fascinating :)

My bigger issue is the one that Rowan quoted of me.


SP - I suppose that's one way of looking at things. The grass is always greener after all. But I truly do want to be considered a person first, have ever since I've was a child.

And yes, I realise, that someday when I'm old and alone I'll realise what an opportunity I missed out on in my youth. You talk about slitting wrists due to Valentine's Day, I'm probably the most single person you will ever meet. Just because you get attention doesn't mean you get love. And just because you get asked out doesn't mean they won't dump you a month later. Every. Single. Time.

Sorry, don't mean to be a downer. :) Just wanted to empathise with the OP is all. I think I've just made myself depressed. Awesome.

scarletpeaches
02-14-2010, 06:19 AM
SP - I suppose that's one way of looking at things. The grass is always greener after all. But I truly do want to be considered a person first, have ever since I've was a child.

And yes, I realise, that someday when I'm old and alone I'll realise what an opportunity I missed out on in my youth. You talk about slitting wrists due to Valentine's Day, I'm probably the most single person you will ever meet.The wrist-slitting thing was sarcasm. I'm the most anti-Valentine's Day person on Earth.

If there's anyone else here who's pushing 34 and never had a relationship longer than six weeks, then I'll sympathise. But until then? There's James.
http://i579.photobucket.com/albums/ss233/doriangrayspictures/JamesPurefoy6.jpg
I'm saving myself for him.

Toothpaste
02-14-2010, 06:25 AM
Sigh. Yes. There's always James. Mansfield Park was on today and I was overcome with joy.

I too was speaking in jest re: slitting wrists. I actually like Valentine's Day. Any day that celebrates chocolate is a-okay with me. :)

And I'm not quite 34 yet, but I may yet beat your record . . . we shall see :) .

At any rate, James has knocked the self pity right on out of me. I'm content.

EclipsesMuse
02-14-2010, 07:43 AM
I too was speaking in jest re: slitting wrists. I actually like Valentine's Day. Any day that celebrates chocolate is a-okay with me. :)

I like the day after Valentine's. Half price chocolate!

ad_lucem
02-14-2010, 08:15 AM
(bolding mine)

Yes, they can because I have had close, personal male friends who are neither gay or trying to get me into bed with them.

Good to hear!! I wouldn't want to think my marital status would doom me to a lifetime of friendships limited to females. Nothing against the gender, but it's nice not to have limitations. Or at least, whenver I find other adults with whom to be in regular contact...ones that don't have strollers or diaper bags in tow.

That said, not much of a social butterfly as an at-home parent and freelancer. So, back to chasing windmills it is...

semilargeintestine
02-14-2010, 09:34 AM
Me and my ninja abilities!

I know what you mean Scarlet. And I do agree. This is a very complicated issue actually.

My biggest problem is not being considered a peer by men. And that has happened. I want to be respected for what I can do. I want to have interesting conversations where both parties are just enjoying the conversation, not where one is secretly hoping for sex at the end of it.

At any rate, I've said my peace. I think men are lovely. I just wish sometimes I could be part of the club. And I know I never really will be.

You're not hanging out with the right guys. My girlfriend is completely one of the guys. There isn't a single guy in her group of friends who even thinks of her as a girl anymore. They fart in front of her, talk about boffing girls, make dirty jokes, ask her if she thinks other girls are hot and/or interested in them, etc. She's an attractive girl with a huge sex drive, so if it were a rule that women could never be "one of the guys" she would certainly be experiencing that. It's been the opposite for her.

You just have to find the right crowd.

ETA: By the way, most of my close friends are girls. I have not even entertained the idea of trying to get into their pants. That would be like trying to get into a male friend's pants, which--being heterosexual--is not something I ever think about.

Xelebes
02-14-2010, 10:40 AM
If my first reaction to seeing a woman is that she is attractive and we enter a conversation, the first reaction is going to over-ride it the second reaction.

If my first reaction is to have a conversation, then it will be the conversation that overrides it.

The next meeting between a woman and I will go through the same check. Maybe after the first conversation, I start finding you attractive after we depart. This will cause a prejudice for the next meeting. So is the life of a single man.

Regan Leigh
02-14-2010, 11:26 AM
I've come to wonder if women can be married and have close, personal male friends who aren't gay or thinking...as bettielee so rightly pointed out...aren't thinking "she's playing hard to get"...

I sincerely hope I'm wrong.


:D

I've always had guy friends (and until now, never thought they put up with me only because they want to sleep with me) - more than I have women friends. I'm more at ease with guys. It's weird.


I just wish sometimes I could be part of the club. And I know I never really will be.


I grew up with a single dad for half my life and have always related better to men. I can understand all of you quoted above. Most times, I don't get or fit in with women. Through high school and college, my best friends were men.

Then we all got married or gained significant others. Suddenly I became a lower level friend, whether it was the guy friend's choice or his gal's. I haven't really had very strong friendships with men since. I always only get so far with male friendships before one of us pulls back because of fears about giving off the wrong impression.

It's really very lonely from my standpoint. I have some close women friends, but it isn't the same. They never fully "get me" the way the old friends of years past did. I don't think there is a whole lot that can be done about it, though. When Harry Met Sally, anyone? ;)

EclipsesMuse
02-14-2010, 01:42 PM
You're not hanging out with the right guys. My girlfriend is completely one of the guys. There isn't a single guy in her group of friends who even thinks of her as a girl anymore. They fart in front of her, talk about boffing girls, make dirty jokes, ask her if she thinks other girls are hot and/or interested in them, etc. She's an attractive girl with a huge sex drive, so if it were a rule that women could never be "one of the guys" she would certainly be experiencing that. It's been the opposite for her.

You just have to find the right crowd.

ETA: By the way, most of my close friends are girls. I have not even entertained the idea of trying to get into their pants. That would be like trying to get into a male friend's pants, which--being heterosexual--is not something I ever think about.

I'm like this. In fact, the friends I hang out with on a daily basis are all guys. Only 1 (ok, maybe 2, the jury is still out on one) is gay. The rest don't really consider me a girl.

Most women I have met annoy me to much to be close friends with. So, I prefer guys.

Mr Flibble
02-14-2010, 03:32 PM
I don't get why women get pissed off at men wanting to boff them. What's wrong with someone finding you attractive?



Nothing. What's wrong is when you've clearly indicated that you are not free nor up for any naughty fun times and they still try and get in there. Because wrinkled gnomes are like irresistible and how could I say no? and / or that's the only reason he carried on talking to me - in case I changed my mind

Note: I am not complaining about being chatted up. I am rather perturbed by the way this man ( among others) doesn't take the gentle 'Dude I'm married' as a hint to stop, but as a challenge to rack up their efforts. Of course if he had been Karl Urban I may not have mentioned that....



You're not hanging out with the right guys. My girlfriend is completely one of the guys.

That's me too - all my mates are guys. In fact normally I can't tell if someone is trying it on - I think they're just being friendly. It says something that this guy was obvious for me to notice what he was doing....

scarletpeaches
02-14-2010, 05:14 PM
I totally get where you're coming from. Some women, though, think every guy's hitting on them and wouldn't know what to do if one didn't. And even if every guy was hitting on them, I have no sympathy, because I'd love to get more male attention. But I just don't.

However, when it comes to Karl Urban, if we're talking Shannon Leto instead...:e2brows:

Main reason is I fancy him, not KU...but also you'd hurt me if I touched your ickle love-bunny. :D

Fran
02-14-2010, 06:07 PM
And even if every guy was hitting on them, I have no sympathy, because I'd love to get more male attention. But I just don't.

I don't, either. None. Ever. I think I must give off a "Black widow spider in a pissed-off mood" kind of vibe. I've gone out with my best friend and she's told me afterwards men have been staring at me, but I never notice, and they never approach me. The one time I did get chatted up by a really lovely man it turned out he had a girlfriend. Bah.

semilargeintestine
02-14-2010, 07:26 PM
I'm like this. In fact, the friends I hang out with on a daily basis are all guys. Only 1 (ok, maybe 2, the jury is still out on one) is gay. The rest don't really consider me a girl.

Most women I have met annoy me to much to be close friends with. So, I prefer guys.

That's how she is. She gets annoyed by girls. She burps and checks out girls and is an athlete in a sport that is male dominated. Girls just piss her off. :D



That's me too - all my mates are guys. In fact normally I can't tell if someone is trying it on - I think they're just being friendly. It says something that this guy was obvious for me to notice what he was doing....

She's pretty good at telling when guys are hitting on her. I'm just starting to be able to tell when women are hitting on me. I used to be completely oblivious, but the "signs" have been pointed out to me.

ad_lucem
02-14-2010, 07:34 PM
Nothing. What's wrong is when you've clearly indicated that you are not free nor up for any naughty fun times and they still try and get in there. Because wrinkled gnomes are like irresistible and how could I say no? and / or that's the only reason he carried on talking to me - in case I changed my mind

Note: I am not complaining about being chatted up. I am rather perturbed by the way this man ( among others) doesn't take the gentle 'Dude I'm married' as a hint to stop, but as a challenge to rack up their efforts. Of course if he had been Karl Urban I may not have mentioned that....




That's me too - all my mates are guys. In fact normally I can't tell if someone is trying it on - I think they're just being friendly. It says something that this guy was obvious for me to notice what he was doing....

Sorta off topic, but.. I've noticed that the gals here seem very cool. Not like the kind I keep running into in real life. If more women were like this and more women like this were available to hang out with at the park. Man, I'd never bitch about being lonely as a sahm ever again.

Why can't I find lady friends that don't make me want to soak their heads in ice water in REAL life???????

Okay... back to the scheduled programming.

Kudos to you all for being awesome...

Carry on...

Toothpaste
02-14-2010, 08:09 PM
Semilargeintestine - You're not hanging out with the right guys. My girlfriend is completely one of the guys. There isn't a single guy in her group of friends who even thinks of her as a girl anymore. They fart in front of her, talk about boffing girls, make dirty jokes, ask her if she thinks other girls are hot and/or interested in them, etc. She's an attractive girl with a huge sex drive, so if it were a rule that women could never be "one of the guys" she would certainly be experiencing that. It's been the opposite for her.

You just have to find the right crowd.

Okay. Sigh. I will try this again.

I have a lot of guy friends. I hang out with guys. As I have stated REPEATEDLY in previous posts in this thread, now that I am friends with them they don't treat me in the manner I find frustrating. Please read my posts a bit more carefully guys, it's a little frustrating being automatically lumped in as some girl who doesn't know any good guys and has few guy friends. I've already established this isn't the case. There are certain groups where I certainly am one of the guys.

My point, and I am obviously not being clear enough, is that I find situations when you AREN'T good friends with a group of guys, you can find yourself in a situation where you're the girl to be flirted with, not a peer with whom to have an interesting discussion. I have given examples of this: the director at my theatre school, the fellow male authors at conventions etc. And this is the club to which I'm referring. The automatic: "Ah you're a man, I'm a man! That means we can talk about interesting subjects. You're a woman? That means we must flirt."

I am talking about first meetings, not long term friendships. I have those. I have many of those. And in fact I myself have always related better to most guys than girls (though I also get along great with girls). As a child I always hung out with my dad and his friends rather than my mother and hers.

I would really appreciate it if people could maybe realise that what I am talking about is far more complex than "I prefer to hang out with girls" or "I prefer to hang out with boys". People have many different kinds of relationships with many different kinds of people. I am talking about one very specific thing.

Cella
02-14-2010, 08:11 PM
Well, to address the OP, it is upsetting because you feel lied to. You continued the conversation feeling as though you made your lack of intimate interest clear. To find out he didn't get it probably made you feel like you just wasted your time. After all that, I don't imagine you'll want to speak with him again, so there's no promise of a friendship.

This hasn't happened to me very often--and not to the point of anyone actually asking me to go to bed with them, but when I sense things getting uncomfortable--like phrases that could have 2 meanings and stuff-- I just pretend I don't get the innuendo. Play dumb. That probably seems weak of me, but it's been effective so far.

I don't need a strange man to think I'm a genius, witty or clever. In fact, all the better if they don't. And if push comes to shove, I'd just have to introduce them to the piece of metal and five little friends I keep in my jacket.

semilargeintestine
02-14-2010, 08:17 PM
Okay. Sigh. I will try this again.



I think you should read your own posts more carefully. You said, and I quote:


I think men are lovely. I just wish sometimes I could be part of the club. And I know I never really will be.

That does not imply just first meetings, but friendships in which you are not fully one of the guys. THAT is what I was responding to.

Regan Leigh
02-14-2010, 08:41 PM
That does not imply just first meetings, but friendships in which you are not fully one of the guys. THAT is what I was responding to.

That was what I was responding to, as well as to other similar comments. :)

Paul
02-14-2010, 08:42 PM
So I just came back from a speaker event at my writers' group ( hai guys) and I took a bit of time to watch the rugger after and I'm talking to this guy. Great to talk to, we're talking Irish politics and the battle of naseby and why Bluecoats are bluecoats and why pubs are Red Lions and not Blue Lions and all sorts of interesting shit ( thanks to Eyeblink for forestalling an interesting theological debate re only Catholics are religious o.o :D)

So, given that I made it clear very early on I'm married why is it guys think I find you interesting to talk to = I want to boff your brains out? I had to be quite firm at the end.

Sometimes women just wanna talk, ya know?

Ah yes. The wonderful but fatal mistake of ignoring the one fundamental truth that underpins all else - the sex drive.

Beautiful moments - then we're shaken awake by the fact that we forgot.

Course when you know someone of the opposite sex it is possible for those feelings to become significantly reduced (we can override the Id) but they never die out completely. Don't believe me? - try coming on to a long time friend/ workmate. (only kiddin - dont! - unless you're single and em well...)

Toothpaste
02-14-2010, 09:04 PM
That does not imply just first meetings, but friendships in which you are not fully one of the guys. THAT is what I was responding to.

I can see how you might have interpreted it that way. BUT. I clearly said in other posts that I had guys who were friends with whom I was perfectly comfortable. My reference to "club" in that post was referring to a desire for where when you first meet men you can have a normal conversation with them about interesting things where you don't have to worry about them thinking you're hitting on them.

I guess I assume that people aren't just going to read one post of mine in a thread and draw conclusions without having read all the other posts in that same thread that led up to it.

But yes. Reading that one post I can see how you came to your conclusion.

I'm leaving this thread now. I answered the OP, tried to make myself clear and obviously didn't. SP and I are at least on the same page after some clarification, so that's cool.

For the record, though I know how much people enjoy pigeonholing others:

1. I have lots of male friends
2. I get along great with guys
3. I like and respect many men
4. I'm not always hit on
5. I rarely date
6. I also get along with girls

And yet, yes. I have had the same experience as the OP. What's more my biggest issue is in a setting when one is with one's peers and as a woman you don't get the same level of discourse as you would if you were a man because the men are trying to hit on you. OR. You think you're having a really great intellectual conversation with such a man and then discover he's only doing it to humour you to other ends.

None of you might have experienced it. It doesn't mean is hasn't happened to me. And often.

Rowan
02-14-2010, 09:19 PM
Okay, I'm gonna delve in. I can relate to what Toothpaste is saying and I think I have a firm grasp of what she means. Semilargeintestine: It's not about being part of the club; I believe that comment you highlighted was in response to a different aspect she and SP were discussing...a tangent if you will.

As an example, I used to work in LE. I was the only female in my group. Let's say you're at a scene and preparing to do X, Y, Z. I'm reading a book to pass the time (there is a LOT of waiting around and very little excitement contrary to popular belief :) ). The guys are chatting about their kids, some jerk at work or the latest ballistic vests on the market. A guy from another PD approaches me and feigns interest in my book or asks me random questions about how I like the area, etc. I respond and answer--friendly but not flirty, thinking it's just a casual convo to pass the time. Then he drops the "hey, lets hook up later" wink-wink, nudge-nudge B.S. (to which I say "sod off" as I already know he's married, despite the missing ring). Ironically, the guy in question still doesn't get it and it goes on and on, despite my attempts to steer the convo back to shop/other, and eventually I walk away frustrated and annoyed. And you have to understand it was a fine line to walk in this situation because I had to work with these guys.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/ /><o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></P><P><FONT color=black><FONT face=Verdana><o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></P><P><FONT color=black><FONT face=Verdana>On the same note, if I approached other guys and tried to talk shop or ask about something of interest I was generally poo-pooed--I wasn't respected as a peer. I was just a girl, regardless of my background, experience or training. And I'm a former Marine so it's not like I lived a sheltered life or anything. Now, there were a lot of other guys who were great and they made the job worthwhile. <?xml:namespace prefix = v ns = <v:shapetype id=_x0000_t75 stroked="f" filled="f" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" o:preferrelative="t" o:spt="75" coordsize="21600,21600"><v:stroke joinstyle="miter"></v:stroke><v:formulas><v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"></v:f></v:formulas><v:path o:connecttype="rect" gradientshapeok="t" o:extrusionok="f"></v:path><o:lock aspectratio="t" v:ext="edit"></o:lock></v:shapetype><v:shape id=_x0000_i1025 style="WIDTH: 12pt; HEIGHT: 12pt" alt="0" type="#_x0000_t75"><v:imagedata o:href="http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/smile.gif" src="file:///C:/Users/Suzanne/AppData/Local/Temp/msoclip1/01/clip_image001.gif"></v:imagedata></v:shape>

<o:p></o:p><o:p></o:p>
As for being a part of the men's club? That's not what I'm after; I don't strive to have men farting in front of me, scratching their balls or hashing out their late night conquests. What I wanted in this situation was to be treated like a human being--an equal--and not like I'm just a piece of tail present for their amusement. :o I’m as well-versed when it comes to firearms and LE as the guys and yet I was never considered a "peer" by guys like this (again, not ALL of them). It's just frustrating... but like others I have a lot of male friends along with female friends AND I enjoy conversing with both men and women. So I'm not saying all guys are wankers but that I understand what Toothpaste and IdiotsRUs are talking about. It's a situational thing and not a general assessment on male behaviour. And for the record, I'm not saying all guys flirt with me or that I'm so gorgeous that's all any man wants from me. I'm talking about very specific circumstances here. I hope this makes sense.


I think dogs are the best company. Or maybe horses. ;)

Paul
02-14-2010, 09:19 PM
Em again, 'sex drive' the very thing which brought us here. Might be raw, at times unpalatable, discourteous etc but it aint going away and it's integral to existence.
The Question is what techniques one can employ which may manage awkward situations, not why does this (men hitting on women) happen.

Toothpaste
02-14-2010, 09:48 PM
I know I said I was leaving, but Rowan put it so well that I had to say "what she said".

I also wanted to apologise. I think I started my whole point off on the wrong foot by making the generalisation about "almost all men", which is what caught SP's attention in the first place. While in my experience it does tend to lean to more often than not, I don't think that every man out there hits on women when they talk with them, and I don't think I am always hit on either. I just feel on the spectrum that yes, it leans towards the "almost all" more so than the "some". Nor do I mean that such men are bad or obnoxious people. Often they are very sweet as a matter of fact. I find I draw really lovely people to me (jerks don't stand a chance).

All I wanted to do was empathise with the OP and explain why it can be considered less than flattering in certain situations. I find often women are expected to find it just awesome to have guys hitting on them, as if somehow it is always a compliment. For me it's a little different. It's far more complimentary to me to have someone interested in what I have to say than be attracted to me. And yes, sometimes in a professional setting, it can be really sad when you just want to have an interesting conversation with someone you admire, and he takes it to mean you want to sleep with him.

And NOW I'm outta here :) .

Regan Leigh
02-14-2010, 09:56 PM
I can see how you might have interpreted it that way. BUT. I clearly said in other posts that I had guys who were friends with whom I was perfectly comfortable. My reference to "club" in that post was referring to a desire for where when you first meet men you can have a normal conversation with them about interesting things where you don't have to worry about them thinking you're hitting on them.

I guess I assume that people aren't just going to read one post of mine in a thread and draw conclusions without having read all the other posts in that same thread that led up to it.

But yes. Reading that one post I can see how you came to your conclusion.

I'm leaving this thread now. I answered the OP, tried to make myself clear and obviously didn't. SP and I are at least on the same page after some clarification, so that's cool.

For the record, though I know how much people enjoy pigeonholing others:

1. I have lots of male friends
2. I get along great with guys
3. I like and respect many men
4. I'm not always hit on
5. I rarely date
6. I also get along with girls

And yet, yes. I have had the same experience as the OP. What's more my biggest issue is in a setting when one is with one's peers and as a woman you don't get the same level of discourse as you would if you were a man because the men are trying to hit on you. OR. You think you're having a really great intellectual conversation with such a man and then discover he's only doing it to humour you to other ends.

None of you might have experienced it. It doesn't mean is hasn't happened to me. And often.

I've read the entire thread. :)

Yes, I was responding to a bit of a tangent some people were getting off on (as Rowan mentions), but still feel I understood you fine on the other points. I personally don't see why it's difficult to understand the points you've pointed out more than once. I was only chiming in with my experience and what lines in comments resounded with me. If you felt I took you out of context, I will delete your quote in my previous post. There are still a couple of others that seemed to be saying what I was.

I have also had the problem of ..."desire for where when you first meet men you can have a normal conversation with them about interesting things where you don't have to worry about them thinking you're hitting on them." I just wasn't going into specifics of my own experiences. So, as you see... I have other points I could make as well, but chose to only highlight one thing.

I don't believe you were misunderstood the way you seem to feel you were, but that's just my opinion of the thread. I wasn't seeing pigeonholing really happening, only others sharing in similar thought. But again. Just IMO. ;)




Okay, I'm gonna delve in. I can relate to what Toothpaste is saying and I think I have a firm grasp of what she means. Semilargeintestine: It's not about being part of the club; I believe that comment you highlighted was in response to a different aspect she and SP were discussing...a tangent if you will.

semilargeintestine
02-14-2010, 10:15 PM
I can see how you might have interpreted it that way. BUT. I clearly said in other posts that I had guys who were friends with whom I was perfectly comfortable. My reference to "club" in that post was referring to a desire for where when you first meet men you can have a normal conversation with them about interesting things where you don't have to worry about them thinking you're hitting on them.

I guess I assume that people aren't just going to read one post of mine in a thread and draw conclusions without having read all the other posts in that same thread that led up to it.

But yes. Reading that one post I can see how you came to your conclusion.


I was only responding to the one post, which I didn't connect to the other ones. The comments were separated, and it didn't seem as though you were saying that the "club" you wanted to be a part of was meeting a guy and having it just be a mutually enjoyable conversation. Sorry for misunderstanding, but at least you see why I thought what I did.

Like you said though, it can happen. Men and women are just naturally designed to look for romantic interest. A married man or woman is not going to go that route, but a single person is likely to seek out whether or not the person is interested in her. That's easier to find frustrating when you're otherwise spoken for. That's just how it goes.

semilargeintestine
02-14-2010, 10:17 PM
<o:p></o:p><o:p></o:p>
As for being a part of the men's club? That's not what I'm after; I don't strive to have men farting in front of me, scratching their balls or hashing out their late night conquests. What I wanted in this situation was to be treated like a human being--an equal--and not like I'm just a piece of tail present for their amusement.



That's you. Not every woman feels that way, and both are fine. Generally, I agree that no one should be treated like a piece of tail. But a guy just hitting on you shouldn't be anything to freak out over (not what happened to you, but was discussed later in the thread I believe).

Mr Flibble
02-14-2010, 10:33 PM
Em again, 'sex drive' the very thing which brought us here. Might be raw, at times unpalatable, discourteous etc but it aint going away and it's integral to existence.
The Question is what techniques one can employ which may manage awkward situations, not why does this (men hitting on women) happen.


But a guy just hitting on you shouldn't be anything to freak out over (not what happened to you, but was discussed later in the thread I believe).

It's not that the guy was hitting one me. People hit on people all the time. No Biggy. You're either interested, in which case Bingo! or you're not and they go find someone else to hit on. No harm, no foul, quite flattering as it happens.

It was that despite my increasingly clear 'I AM NOT INTERESTED' he appeared to think I was 'just playing hard to get' and kept trying harder.

I just wanted to talk. I did not want to pull anyone ( especially him!). I made myself repeatedly clear. He ignored it.

It's the patronising attitude that gets me.

semilargeintestine
02-14-2010, 10:36 PM
It's not that the guy was hitting one me. People hit on people all the time. No Biggy. You're either interested, in which case Bingo! or you're not and they go find someone else to hit on. No harm, no foul, quite flattering as it happens.

It was that despite my increasingly clear 'I AM NOT INTERESTED' he appeared to think I was 'just playing hard to get' and kept trying harder.

I just wanted to talk. I did not want to pull anyone ( especially him!). I made myself repeatedly clear. He ignored it.

It's the patronising attitude that gets me.

Okay, now I'm the one who thought he was being clear but apparently wasn't. I said it was discussed earlier in the thread, but I did not ascribe it to anyone specific. Thus, I was not talking about you, since that wasn't your situation. Yours is different and definitely annoying.

Mr Flibble
02-14-2010, 10:41 PM
Okay, now I'm the one who thought he was being clear but apparently wasn't. I said it was discussed earlier in the thread, but I did not ascribe it to anyone specific. Thus, I was not talking about you, since that wasn't your situation. Yours is different and definitely annoying.

ah, oh, whoops?

:D

Paul
02-14-2010, 11:14 PM
It's not that the guy was hitting one me. People hit on people all the time. No Biggy. You're either interested, in which case Bingo! or you're not and they go find someone else to hit on. No harm, no foul, quite flattering as it happens.

It was that despite my increasingly clear 'I AM NOT INTERESTED' he appeared to think I was 'just playing hard to get' and kept trying harder.

As I say, the Question is what techniques one can employ which may manage awkward situations, not why does this (men hitting on women) happen.

I just wanted to talk. I did not want to pull anyone ( especially him!). I made myself repeatedly clear. He ignored it.

It's the patronising attitude that gets me.

Also ("some")men are dumb. :)

aadams73
02-15-2010, 12:00 AM
And yet, yes. I have had the same experience as the OP. What's more my biggest issue is in a setting when one is with one's peers and as a woman you don't get the same level of discourse as you would if you were a man because the men are trying to hit on you. OR. You think you're having a really great intellectual conversation with such a man and then discover he's only doing it to humour you to other ends.

None of you might have experienced it. It doesn't mean is hasn't happened to me. And often.

I can certainly relate to this, and it becomes tiresome, particularly in a professional setting. There are many men who can't distinguish between a woman being friendly and being flirtatious. They lack the ability to read the signals--or maybe they just plain don't care. Or maybe they're just playing the numbers game.

I don't encourage attention, I rarely flirt, and I excel at freezing men in their tracks when I have to, but occasionally one will persist and at that point I don't hesitate to become quite cutting. I don't mind a guy trying--most people are looking to connect, it's what we're driven to do--but "no, thank you," is both clear, honest, and polite and should be accepted as being so.

If I'm flirting with you, you will know it. If I'm trying to have an interesting conversation with you, that will be clear, too. I'm aware that I'm not exactly hard on the eyes, so I've striven all my adult life not to give mixed/incorrect signals.

Like Rowan, being one of the boys isn't my goal. I want to be equal to a man--but different. I love being a woman.

semilargeintestine
02-15-2010, 12:04 AM
ah, oh, whoops?

:D

I know the feeling. :D

Mr Flibble
02-15-2010, 12:11 AM
As I say, the Question is what techniques one can employ which may manage awkward situations, not why does this (men hitting on women) happen.

I settled for 'Gotta go so I can tuck my kids in' and left. Even then he was 'Oh, well I'll see you next week? No, week after? Sometime for a drink?'

I woulda used my patented kick in the knackers, but the writers group meets there every month and I didn't want to get barred.

ETA: now I think about it...I hope to wassname he's not a regular....

Paul
02-15-2010, 12:31 AM
I settled for 'Gotta go so I can tuck my kids in' and left. Even then he was 'Oh, well I'll see you next week? No, week after? Sometime for a drink?'

I woulda used my patented kick in the knackers, but the writers group meets there every month and I didn't want to get barred.

ETA: now I think about it...I hope to wassname he's not a regular....

Ah yes, the aul 'kick to the crotch'
brings a tear to the eye that does.

literally.:)

waylander
02-15-2010, 12:32 AM
I woulda used my patented kick in the knackers, but the writers group meets there every month and I didn't want to get barred.

ETA: now I think about it...I hope to wassname he's not a regular....

If he is we'll take care of him

Wayne K
02-15-2010, 01:12 AM
I love being a woman.
Don't we all?

aadams73
02-15-2010, 01:23 AM
Don't we all?

This is one of those trick questions, isn't it?

DL Hegel
02-15-2010, 01:47 AM
This is one of those trick questions, isn't it?

He's good for those;)

Wayne K
02-15-2010, 01:55 AM
I gotta post pics :D

Wayne K
02-15-2010, 02:07 AM
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/clPYfaTvHT0&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/clPYfaTvHT0&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

BlackMagic528
02-15-2010, 05:30 AM
And people wonder why I stopped even trying to date . . . .

aadams73
02-15-2010, 05:43 AM
And people wonder why I stopped even trying to date . . . .

It's cool to ask someone out or display interest, but if they say no assume they mean it.

I think we all, male and female, need to accept and respect that sometimes a person of the opposite sex is just enjoying the conversation for what it is without any ulterior motive.

And we all need to be careful what we project to others.

darkprincealain
02-15-2010, 10:58 PM
Thanks, aadams. Though, I think in case the dude can't take no for an answer, a nice swift exit can be helpful. I guess I count myself lucky that this exact scenario has never happened to me.

quickWit
02-15-2010, 11:23 PM
Sometimes women just wanna talk, ya know?

I know, sweetheart, I know.
Now come on...give us a kiss.

Mr Flibble
02-15-2010, 11:49 PM
I can use my kick in the knackers on the bunny right?




*kick*

My word, he went a long way.

*watches splat*

quickWit
02-15-2010, 11:59 PM
You're so adorable when you're violent.