View Full Version : The AbsoluteWrite Absolutely Awful Poetry Contest.

08-07-2005, 09:02 PM
Welcome to the first ever 'AbsoluteWrite Absolutely Awful Poetry Contest'.

The inspiration for this competition comes from the regular threads about what makes poetry good, and what makes poetry bad. The aspiration for this competition is to have a lot of fun and maybe to learn something by inverse practice.

Poets and non-poets alike are invited to submit one poem only, on any theme. The winning poem will be that judged to be the WORST. That is right. This is a competition to write the worst possible poem you can. If you are not a poet perhaps you have a small advantage! or maybe not?

The uncertain may wish to roam the web and read a lot of poetry, noting what they hate about each one - and then trying to ensure their entry contains all that and more. Those confident of their inability, however, may feel able to jot down a winning poem in a few seconds flat! There are no rules as to how you come to write your entry (so long as it IS you who wrote it), but there are a few rules about the process of entry itself:

1) The entry fee to the competition (YES! There is an entry fee) will be one reputation point to every other entrant.

2) The maximum poem length will be 60 lines.

3) Entries may not be edited after the end of the competition. Any entry with a last edited stamp after the competition end will be disqualified.

4) Poems edited based on crit-eeks will be disqualified and deleted. (see the crit-eek thread (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17069) to find out what a crit-eek is)

4) The deadline for entry is 01:00 September 1st 2005

5) Please vote by PM to WordSoup, our wonderful Poetry Forum Moderator.

The voting period will run from:
09:00 September 2nd 2005 until midnight September 9th 2005.

The result will be announced on:
September 12th 2005.

(unless there's a real-life crisis - in which case there will be a note posted about the delay)

NOTE: All times stated are according to Central Time.

And yes! There will be prizes to the winner!!!!!!!!!
and to every runner-up too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The prize: Each voter will send a reputation point to the poet they believe entered the worst poem. In this way the winner will get the biggest 'prize' and so on.

So voters.. don't forget.. PM to WordSoup, Rep point to the poet.

......And, may the worst poem win.

Edited (17th August) to apend to the voting rules:
All contestants must vote, and it must be for an entry other than their own.

Edited (22nd August) to add a PRIZE!!!!!!
I thought, hey, maybe a real prize will motivate extra people to enter.. and it wasn't long before I came up with just the thing to suit this special contest.

To the winner only: A copy of my first published book of poetry, (dependent on being PMd an address to send it to). This book has not been published yet, it isn't actually anywhere near completion yet, so it could take a while (anywhere from here to eternity actually). But eventually, what a prize eh? (Absolutely Awful)

08-07-2005, 09:33 PM
This was in response to the accusation that I was stalking Rhymegirl

Here goes. Ah-Hem

Yes I was stalking
But away you went walking
Soon I must go
My husband can't find the grocery sto'



08-07-2005, 10:23 PM
"Eye of a pig
Tick in a twiddle
Move over dog
you're starting to piddle

Eggs that have rotted
Boils filled with fungus
The tongue of a turd
Sprays bad poems among us"

Bad, you want bad? Well happy or sad-Why give you what you want? That would be good, which is bad in your twisted confusing world. I should give you my best, not my badest, my goodest, not my
stinking saddest..., that would serve you right!
Just a vendictively nice poem of love, and niceness,
and warm fuzzy stinking feelings. That would send you
bad-poem lovers a message,
"Go home! You're not going to get what you want...Ha, ha. So there!"

No, no bad, redundant, stinking vermin poems for you!

You wan 'em bad, don't you? Well, pigs eyes in a bowl of dove's dung, you got em!!

Scum from the plagurized pond of the belly lint of a
giant's rotting carcass, dripping on this page, and ooohhh
to think you love it, lick it, roll in it, and even come back for more.
No, don't pretend to have an ounce of sanity, because
if you are here reading this bane drivel, you are insane

"Always insult the crowd," that is what I say! "Always make them feel lower than the blisters on the bottom of an ant's toe."

Why are you reading this puss? Are you one of those puke for brains? What's the matter with you? Have you no dignity? Are you enjoying this displeasure?

Of course, "Yes, insult them, insult them...Gollum, Gollum
Yes, they want's the precious poem...Gollum, Gollum...well, they can't have it!
"No precious poems for you..." he rages,"Filthy Hobbitses...No...they're mine, my own, all of them, my precious." Ah, admit it! You are not stuck, glued here to your seat, doomed to read only rotting words carved by innocent fingers on the inside of this cesspool of filth, in the bowels of a wart-toad, but here you are anyway.

Breath the deep rising excriment as you read the words on the walls. You were tricked into coming, "Oh, poor Smeagle...master's tricksy, but Gollum will make them pay. He tells the masters he has a good poem for them, exciting..."Change the world with my words," he says! "Save the hobbits from Mordor," he says."Gollum! Gollum!"

No, his face is becoming clearer, it's not Gollum at all...now I see, it's you!
"Hannible, no not here...no, not here...I see your twisted mind again, and how you toy with poor Agent Starling. Go away, you can't have your way here. Oh, I see! She can't take her eyes off your poem. Makes sense. She thinks she'll solve riddles in the dark, solve mysteries, reading your sick pathetic words, which you calously write through the warden's pen. Oh, those sharks eyes.

No, the lambs are not silent in these halls, I thought as I watched, him, but he would not let go.
"No, Hannible, let go of its head...no, stop...

Is this bad enough for ya? If not, come again and be even more disappointed!

08-07-2005, 10:41 PM
She is being watched smoothly by me
My stupid restraining order means I cannot go any closer, which is
Because I achingly want to.

08-07-2005, 10:42 PM
e. e. cummings on pedestrian behavior



















08-07-2005, 11:00 PM

As I write of my miserable sucking feelings attacking my soul
Is there no one who will understand me and say so
I talk of my fears and tears and ruminating in the night
You guys say I'm navel-gazing and should just give up the fight
How can you say that I'm being pain and just want people to feel sorry for me
I didn't understand that person who insulted by saying to get of the pity pot or at least pee
You guys aren't very nice. Can't you see what a tortured soul I am
I ryme each line like a poet should and you still call me a sham
Just for that I'm going to pick up my toys and go home
At least my mom likes my poems

08-07-2005, 11:25 PM
Will you love me.
Love me.
love me.
I love you.
Isn't it enough love for you.
How much love do you need anyway.
Oh my love
For you are my love
Even though you don't love me
You can't decide who I should love
Or how much I should love you
I'll love you with all my love
Not just part of my love
And if I have my way
I'll love you longer than you live
Longer than I'll live
That's how deep my love is
Deeper than a deepest hole
Higher than the sky
Wider than the sky
Have you looked at the sky
lately, there is no end to it
There is no beginning to it
That's how my love is for you
No beginning no end
Always and forever
Forever and always
So it really doesn't matter
If you love me
I have enough love for both of us
But I would still like it better
If you loved me
If you
Please tell me with your heart.
And then I'll show you
Even more love
Than I have professed here
Because I have more love
To show you.
I do
Those are the real words of love
I do
Do you?
Love begets love
And love never forgets love
Oh, love of my life
And death!

08-07-2005, 11:30 PM
Yucky SEX poem

It’s the end of the third date

And I know I can’t wait

Any longer to find out the truth.

They say you are hung

And I know you are young

Better pass me the vermouth.

There’s no conversation

No imagination

Our meetings are horrendously boring

So like I said, lets go to bed

And hopefully I won’t end up snoring.

If I discover

You’re a rotten lover

You won’t see me again

I won’t settle for six.

Not even eight

You’d better be packing ten.

Now you listen

Forget any kissin

The time is now to get busy.

So pour me a drink

Go wash up in the sink

Cause your odor is making me dizzy.

It just goes to show

How little you know

By thinking I like you at all.

What would an older woman like me?

Want with a kid who works at a mall?

An hour later

I’m a masturbator

Dang I was fooled again.

Next time I’ll take two

Of the likes of you.

Five plus five equals ten.

08-08-2005, 02:49 AM
The Soul of My Heart

My soul
Is in a hole
Because you broke my heart
Like the sweet air is broken by a fart

I feel like I got run over
Like my dog Rover
Who, by the way,
Loved me better than you any day

Oh, death, misery, tears and things
It stings! It stings! It stings!
Like bees and paper cuts
But you didn't deserve me because you are a putz

I will look at this rose and tears drop down
Will I forever wear this frown?
O how my heart bleeds and aches and feels like poo
Because of who? Oh yes, it's you

Who ran off with that hussy
You must not be fussy
Her unibrow shadows her crooked nose
I hope the hair on her mole continues to grows

But one day you'll come back to me, I know
Because the heart of my soul will always show
Until then I'll die. I'll die, do you hear?
By the way, I have stolen all of your beer.

08-08-2005, 03:04 AM
Oh, my sweet, let me just say
I love you like a summer day
Your lips, and toes, most sexy art
They make me beat more than my heart!
Your eyes of blue, and teeth of green...
Truly! The loveliest, I hath 'ere seen
But then I came to do thine hair
A romantic verse, with verve, and flair
Its silky locks, so soft with promise...
And then, you *****, you dyed it orange

08-08-2005, 06:45 PM
:banana: Gettin Jiggy Wit the Hot Flash White Mother Rapper

Who turned the heat up?
Whoo! Whoo!

Who turned the heat up?
Whoo! Whoo!

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm tellin' you why :Soapbox:

Hot Flash
White Mother Rapper is comin' to town

Break it down http://www.mygroovywedding.com/forum/images/smilies/groovy3.gif

She's heating up
So you better get the party started

Who turned the heat up?
Whoo! Whoo!

Who turned the heat up?
Whoo! Whoo!

Close your eyes and gimme your hand :Guitar:
Do you feel my heart racing, do you understand?
Do you feel it, am I only dreaming?

Or is this burning an eternal flame?
Is this burning an eternal flame?

An eternal flame? :Cake:

Who turned the heat up?
Whoo! Whoo!

Who turned the heat up? http://www.thepetsforums.com/forums/images/smilies/devil2.gif
Whoo! Whoo!

Raise the roof and give it up
The Hot Flashin, Original Unoriginal,
White, Bad Mother Rapper is in the house
Ridin high on mood swings :eek:

Say yo! Say yo yoooooooo! :TheWave:

Hot Flash White Mother Rapper over
And out (of her hormonally challenged mind :crazy: )

q: )

08-08-2005, 11:11 PM
(to be read in an appropriately sing-song voice...)

Rhapsody of Love

Today is the anniversary of the day we first met

On board that fated jumbo jet;

Oh, how could I have ever known

‘Twould be as such I’d never flown?

You jabbed me with your elbow bare

Unwrapping plastic silverware;

The coffee in my paper cup

Sloshed on my eggs; I mopped it up.

I stole a look, with glance sideways,

Your eyes like roadmaps met my gaze;

You took my breath away that morn,

Like the time my ACL was torn.

Your parted lips caused mine to foam,

Your teeth in rows as in the comb

Used now and then by my 9-yr. old daughter,

Oh, my heart was led like pig to slaughter…

And when our jet in windshear rare,

Caused us that special bag to share,

And your white knuckles gripped my knee--

Well, I knew you were the one for me.

So now I write this rhapsody

Of what your love has meant to me;

Let’s fly today for old time’s sake,

And this time I will stay awake.

08-09-2005, 04:45 AM
Your eyes,
so much like diamonds
the glare hurts my eyes.
Your ears,
like lunar slices,
half-moon pies
on the side of your face.
Your feet,
though they trip you always,
are like lemon wedges,
so beautiful, not sour.
I love you,
your heart
bigger than mountains in Asia,
bigger than the fame of Fantasia!
I love your arms,
they reach for my heart
and grip it like wings
of a butterfly,
mashed in between window panes...
And I remember
your perspiration,
traced across your face,
and I blush...
I wish I was your napkin.
I love your lips,
soft, plush,
like a vertical banana split...
smiling across the plain of your face.
How do I love thee,
let me see,
oh so many ways,
oh so many days!
Love you always!


08-09-2005, 05:16 PM

Here I sit writing a poem;

It won’t make much sense"

And I know not to who’em?

If a subject here is slightly perceived!

It is purely by accident'

For I meant to deceive:


Further to bumble.

In this nonsensical ramble?

I still stay humble!


(And so you may pray)

Loud and hard shall you ;

That I perhaps have no more to say..............


08-10-2005, 04:32 AM
Romancing the Muse

Whither goes my musiest muse
(a fat black floozy
with too-tiny shoes)
I will go too.

And I'll schmooze
her with booze and
casu'ly dropped clues
that I fancy her boobs
and the way that she chews
her greasy fried food
with not one tooth,
but two,
both covered in ooze
like sticky black glue
from the chew that she chews --
not one pack
but two.

And if she's bemused
why I'd fancy her boobs
and the way she chews chew
and the way she chews food,
I'd say to her: HEY!
You stupid *****. How about giving me some ****ing ideas, already? I mean, I'm sucked dry, and with all this pretending that I like you, one would think that I might ****ing get something out of it already. Sheesh.

08-10-2005, 05:12 AM

Life is so freakin' hard to understand,
Can you tell I used to be in a band?
I know how to play the drums,
And don't you be thinkin' that I am dumb!

But life is somethin' I just can't figure out,
Did you know a swine has a really movable snout?
Oh, but I digress, I was talkin' about life,
There's just so much war and fighting and strife.

Those people think they know so much on Absolute Write,
They beter pick my real good poem or I will want to fight.
Life is hard to understand, it is so true,
I'm a real good poet and I rhyme better than YOU!

Eliel Takavian
08-10-2005, 05:42 AM
My rhymes are so blue

They stick to you like glue

Under your shoe

And when I am through

You are through too

The ocean is blue

Leopard Seals are not blue, boo-hoo

Don’t’ tell me to shoo

You big sack of poo

Or I will thump you

With my big metal screw

The next line is true

I don’t have a clue

But just like you’d better do

I’ll vote for me too

So I guess this is it

My poem I will quit

And though it’s legit

The thing smells like doggy-doo

OK one more line

One more second of your time

Just read the next line and I’m sure you’ll be fine

So are you mad?

Cause I write worse than Brad

This is the best/worst poem you ever had

So don’t be sad

Please vote for you dad(dy)

My poem IS that bad!

08-10-2005, 11:55 AM
The Rhyme of the Ancient Marinara

Tomatoes are red;
Zucchinnis aren't.
Put 'em together in a bowel.
Not yet, wait.
(Subtract a vowel)
Get a plate.
Add juice of fowl.

Stir, cook.
Not yet, not yet. Okay: now.
And how?
Brown cow.
Add wine.

Don't whine
pout but find the
No loss.
Just put the sauce
on your

08-11-2005, 01:02 AM
There once was a girl from Nantuckit
She taught her dog to spit in a buckit

Her mother said "Go!"
Her father said "So..."

She put on her shoes
And said "**** it!"

08-11-2005, 01:25 AM
I get hungry antejentacular
.......As if an anteloquy of food bygone
...............Butt (sic) for the borborygmus
......................Gementing so stodgily
....................................Ischaemia evidencing that
................................................Th e ising ever iterant
.................................................. ...........Reminds me why I am so querimonious


08-11-2005, 04:15 AM
I sat on the egg
of my despair
And it cracked;
Oh woe!
what am I without tears?

08-11-2005, 04:15 AM
Here I am
sitting at the keyboard
staring at the cursor

Here I am
sitting at the keyboard
staring at the cursor

Here I am
sitting at the keyboard
staring at the cursor

Just can't sell my poetry
these days.

Wonder why.

08-11-2005, 04:21 AM
The Choice


[Untitled, No. 1,047]

Canto I.

'Cuz Granny told me patience is a virtue,
And sitting still could never hardly hurt you,
I find distraction sucking on hot peppers
And writing checks to charities for lepers.
Life can't be fun for folks who don't have noses.
I guess they cannot stop and smell the coffee.

But what, you ask, need I distraction from?
Why, waiting for those Web pp. to come.
For everyone but me has switched to broadband,
The only holdout I, across this broad land.
At dimming screen I stare--see, I've got dialup.
I sit and sit and try so hard to :-) , yup.

Canto II.

Aye! I sing to thou, O Broadband!
To thou, or thee, I sing.
I don't just sing, either, I accompany myself.
I accompany myself with woodwinds and bugle.
Broadband, I salute you!
With the piccolo I toot you!
Not to mention the violin, like a concertmaster,
To celebrate how you make the data arrive much faster.
My tribute to you into the vaporous ether I send by way of timpani,
On account of, without a beat, there ain't no bleedin' symphony.
So I assure you, O Broadband, rising into the vaporous ether is also percussion,
Sort of like a prayer that you'd visit my house to get those bytes a-rushin'.
Dialup is so slow, damn it!
A tambourine as well have I, for waiting to post on free boards,
And sometimes I play keyboards.
And those clickety-clack things.


Damn it!

Canto III.

O Broadband, beautiful beauteous Broadband, thou art like a goddess, thou art.

Maybe Diana.

Yes, Diana, huntress unattainable, striding forth at pale-pinkest dawn with her faithful hunting hound through celestial bosky verdurant vegetation, on legs sturdy as Corinthian columns, clad in delicate layers of blowing diaphanous linen, with one tit sticking out.

She of the unerring aim and most glorious accuracy is almost as swift as thee, O Broadband.

She'd be even swifter if Faithful Hound didn't stop to pee at every monument.


Damn it!

Canto IV.

And yet, how spare, how meager'd be this life of mine
If I from one task to the next sped all the time!
No moment giv'n to dreaming, ev'ry second fill'd,
The thought my very marrow doth leave halfway chill'd.

Truly seek I that envy'd band of bytes so broad?
For speed-connect hath my desire shrunk or grow'd?
How ev'r the time I'd find creative work to nurture,
These pauses gone, to me remain'd no gap to suture?

Had not its rest the mind in leisure rare and precious,
Wherein creeps Fancy, rodentlike tho' having uses,
Ne'er more would poets see ideas sprung up freshest,
Nor hope to wake would we when wander'd near our muses.

All needed mental pow'rs lack I for this decision,
Tho', shamefully, head mine I very long have scratch'd.
Practice instead shall I gratuitous inversion;
Of rhymes a lexicon I'll build that don't quite match.

Canto V.

Aye! Aye!

Canto VI.

Damn it!

Fried From Dixie
08-11-2005, 07:16 PM
I was given an assignment to write a poem in the fifth grade and I was really stuck. I was up very late trying to get it done. I followed all the parameters given and the class loved it. The teacher hated it. I don't know if she thought I didn't write it or just didn't care for it.

Unnamed Poem

Here I lay upon my bed
With my hand under my head
Trying to think of something to say
But my brain has gone away

I thought of violets
I thought of blue
I thought of roses
And I thought of you

Wish I had help from a friend
Then I could go to sleep
The end

08-12-2005, 01:17 AM
I read this to a comedy group once to discourage poetry readings.

I am alone in the cold dark darkness.
I reach out.
It is cold
Cold and dark.
I am alone.
I see nothing
Because it is dark.
I am afraid
Because there is no one
And I reach out to emptiness.
Empty, sad emptiness.
Cold, dark, cold, sad, cold, empty.
Alone in the cold dark darkness.

Kathie Freeman
08-12-2005, 02:42 AM
This poem won't rhyme
No reason it should
But I'm out of time
(Damn, I'm good!)

08-12-2005, 07:55 AM
This is not about how I felt after my stupid ex boyfriend Robby kissed that brat Lindsey

Plop Flop





Heart Cries

ButnotforyoustupidRobbyeventhoughyoukissedLindseyi nfrontofeveryone

Titus Raylake
08-12-2005, 02:15 PM
Yellow is the color of butter,
Of whom the real name I will not mutter.

Butter on the potato,
to bake the starch I must wait-o.

The microwave is faster,
but its new controls I cannot master.

So I wait, sitting on the couch,
for the whiteness embedded in the potato pouch.

08-12-2005, 06:47 PM
Ode to Toes

My toe nails are long
they rip your thongs
when I stick them
where they don't belong

thongs thongs thongs
meshed and see-through
I wear them to school

Why is my big, big toe bigger
than my you-know-what
but at least I can snigger
'cuz they're warm in your (bleep)

now my toe nails are yellow and cracked
the fungi are crusty with smack
the little pinkie is a rather fine snack

Don't you think?

08-13-2005, 07:16 PM
Ode to the Heroes of Yesteryear

Where ‘oft would Danger peer from ‘round

Corner, or doorway, or would but abound

How true t’would be that nere one was found

Could mete out Justice, her trumpet sound

Chorus: Ba-ooh, ba-ooh

But clouds and skys, reign down from above

Yon mount tops with peaks too high to dove

Yet, always did people still yearn for Love

Would that they would still repent but for glove

Chorus: Ba-ooh, ba-ooh

But wait! There be stirrings, the skies did part

Salvation was not lost, though things fall to fart

On wings, on coursers, came those with the art

To bear all oure Pain, to make Evil yet depart

Chorus: Ba-ooh, ba-ooh

With faces so fair, with fineries but oh so tight

Came those who perchance would still make fight

Put fist to face and too, boot to groin (they might)

Oure heroes still sang with the song of the light

Chorus: Ba-ooh, ba-ooh

Mild-mannered at day, with lives so mundane

With a twirl and a twist, and a shake of the mane

With cape or with not, know ought but their fame

Here! Here! Let us Praise and call them by name

Chorus: Ba-ooh, ba-ooh

There be Batman and Superman, we all know them

The Lantern, the Web-crawler, Flash, Wonder Woman

Forget not the Squirrel and the Moose, say but ahem

Atom Ant, Hong Kong Phooey, and remember when

Chorus: Ba-ooh, ba-ooh

The song sung the ‘proach of captain through fog

Yes, rest tired hearts and relent villainous bog

For one now approaches, it is he! Underdog!

Ba-ooh, ba-ooh, ba-ooh, ba-ooh Underdog!

Rob :)

08-14-2005, 12:25 PM

The courts will judge this sorry case

How two men squared off face to face

How words could not control their pace

How both men rolled in harsh embrace

How two good citizens fell from grace

And neither got the parking space

08-14-2005, 07:36 PM
I look at the sky...it is so blue
I look at the grass...it is so green
I look at the earth...it is so brown
I look at a cloud...it is so white
I look at an orange...it is so orange
I look at a banana...it is so yellow
I look at my car...it is so red
I look at my shoes...they are so purple (why did I buy purple??)
I look at my lipstick...it is so pink
I look at the dark...it is so black (ouch!...stubbed my toe...now it will be so purple to match my shoes)
I look at my window...it is so see-through
I look at my laptop...it is so gray
I look at my pretty, colourful crayons....I think I'll go colouring!!

08-15-2005, 03:14 AM
I can't believe you've left my side,
The one true love, no longer mine.
You are too bloody for me to hide.
So what am I supposed to do?
Just let you leave me, here all blue.
You said that you now loved me not;
The sex was cold, no longer hot.
I kissed and cried and slapped your face,
Your body now I can't erase.
You should have shaved; your hair's too long,
But now you can't, your time's all gone.
Maybe I should help you out,
and clean the blood that's all about.
But no, I can't. I need to hide.
Before that though, move aside.
I'll throw you out behind a bush
You're body's heavy, hard to push.
I wish I had a man to help
But the man I love, will never welp...

08-16-2005, 11:57 PM
She’ll be coming round the mountains when she comes

She’ll be rumming round the mountains as she hums

She be coming round the mountains

As she spikes the drinking fountains

She’ll be slumming round the mountain by her gums

They’ll be puking painted ponies as she hums

They’ll think it was the big baloney cuz they’re numb

They’ll be spouting rigatonis

Noshing down the roasted conies

They’ll be chumming round the mountain as she hums.

He’ll find out it was a test drive for his bums

He’ll know did it all the hard way when he comes

He’ll be wishing while he’s fishing,

All the time his bum is itching

He’ll be looking for that she girl with the Tums.

She’ll be laughing round the mountain cuz they’re dumb

She’ll be hooting down the mountain ‘it was fun’

She’ll be a-laughing and a- swaying

All the time the folks were praying

She’ll be laughing down the mountain,’ ya’ll should come!’

08-19-2005, 12:44 AM
Boiling Bunnies (Oh Fred)

Oh Fred, Oh Fred,
Even tho ur dead,
I luv u so, So very much,
I want 2 b a rabbit in ur big rabbit hutch,
I dont think thats asking 4 much 2 much.

Oh Fred, Oh Fred,
Even tho I said,
A whole bunch of really mean stuff,
I still want ur carrot in my little bunny muff,
I know that being dead must b really really tuff.

Oh Fred, Oh Fred,
I miss ur fluffy head,
Ur fluffy fluffy fluffy, legs & tail,
I miss u so much that my face goes pail,
All I can do is wail wail wail.

Oh Fred, Oh Fred,
I get lonely in my bed,
Nobody knows the hurt I feel,
None of those other bunnies think ur real,
Their just jealus coz ur luv they want 2 steel.

Oh Fred, Oh Fred,
I wish I hadnt fed,
Ur face with the frying pan,
I keep crying like a crying man,
I keep dying like only a dying man can.

Oh Fred, Oh Fred,
I filled u full of led,
I'm really sorry that ur now so hot,
U treated me mean and look where u got,
Boiling like a turkey in my big turkey pot.



08-20-2005, 06:51 AM
How dare I breathe this air of yours

or tread upon your earth

How dare I look upon the moors

that you earned with your birth

How dare I try to have a life

when you are clearly "IT"

I'd rather die than be your wife

why don't you just eat sh*t

How dare you look at me that way

just turn your head you pig

It was the smell that made me sway

It's really not that big

Go wipe the dribble off your chin

and zip those trousers up

You won't be having me again

or I'll be throwing up

No I don't want that pretty ring

it's kinda big and shiny

You know I love it when you sing

here rub me on my hiny

You really don't smell all that bad

in fact your kinda cute

I didn't mean to get so mad

just warn me 'fore you poot

08-21-2005, 06:52 AM
I want to be the Toilet

The Toilet, the unknown necessity that most people need
I want to be a toilet, not just to have people sit on me
But rather to have them need me, caress me, and want me

Don’t you want to be a toilet, where the people come to you
With problems that only you can resolve

Don’t you want to be a toilet, knowing you can comfort the pain
The sorrow which most people have in their lives

Don’t you want to be the toilet, where the troubles of this world
Can be flushed down the drain with a single push

And for those of you who are pet lovers, a toilet is something I’m sure you’ll love
What pet owner don’t like giving a snack to their pets and have them actually enjoy it

Life is meaningless without a place for people to go to
Life would be so empty, if I did not have a toilet of my own
Life would be more stressful, if I could not cry in the bathroom, expressing my pain to the toilet

It may be odd to have a toilet as a source of comfort
But the toilet is my friend
And it makes me happy
That’s why I want to be a Toilet
To be happy.

08-22-2005, 07:02 AM
The Unknown Avalanche

o curse ye angels who gave her cursed beauty
i shake my foaming fists as i tremble in rage
at the whisper of her lisp
which tears my heart as her slave.

o mighty love which drowns mighty men
and starves me in its golden gilded cage
o donkey of despair who kicks
like jackie chan on an angry stage

she smiles with pearls and grins, glad of my dismay
the angels laugh, their arrows shiny with my blood
my tears fall like my mom's souffle
and salt my wounds with their silent flood.

08-23-2005, 01:02 AM
Owed to a Vanity Publisher

I writ a buk. I thot it gud.
My frend sed, "Publish it you should!"

I sent it out at half past one,
I returned as if shot from a gun.

I sent it out at half past two,
It came back to me right on cue.

I sent it out at half past three,
It boomeranged right back to me.

At half past four I gave up trying,
And sat down on my sofa, crying.

What good is it to write a book
If no-one wants to take a look?

So what if genre wasn't my worry,
It being a gothic-scifi-western story.

I didn't care much about grammar or spelling.
It's the tale that's important, not the telling.

Then an ad in a magazine caught my eye:
"Send your book to us. We publish -- no lie!"

So I packaged it up and sent it to them.
Their answer came back -- my book was a gem!

They'd publish it for me an' dress it up purty,
And have it in every book story by ten-thirty.

There was just one small catch way down in the fine print --
To get it that way my net worth they would dint.

"Now hold on a minute!" I managed to sputter.
"You're supposed to pay me! That's what other folks utter."

"Don't listen to them, 'specially not Uncle Jim.
They're just out to get us. They're a little bit dim.

"Making books costs big bucks, and it costs even more
For the jacket design, 'fore it gets out the door!"

So I ponied up money to get them to publish,
But the end result looked something very like rublish.

The much-touted jacked design didn't look all that slick --
Crayon on newsprint by some Ruth Cooke chick.

Page twenty-six next to page seventeen,
With forty-two blank pages jammed in between.

The typos they jumped at me right off the page.
When I asked about marketing, they hung up in a rage.

But I've learned my elsson, and I hope you have, too.
If writing a book is what you want to do,
Remember Yog's law: Money flows to the writer.
A bass-akward contract just shouldn't excite yer.

A bone-fide publisher of paperback books
Pays you! All the others are schnooks!

The end!

08-23-2005, 06:23 PM
Well, I"m not sure how to do this. I'd like to submit a poem for someone else. I guess we can't vote on it which is only fair since it is probably the worst thing ever written. I think rep points for this might get confused with my own submission, not sure. Just want to share the badness. My thanks to R Kelly.

Comin Out Da Closet ( Chapter 4 )

Now I'm dashin home
Doin 85
Swervin lane to lane
Wit fire in my eyes
I got a million thoughts
Runnin through my mind
I'm thinkin about what imma do and who I'm gonna do it to when I get home
How could I have been so blind

And then I look in my rear view
I cannot believe this
(Whoo whoo whoo)
Damn, here comes a police man
He drove right up on me and flashed his light
Then I pulled over without thinkin twice

He hopped out the car and walked over to me
And said license and registration please
I looked up at him and said
Officer, is there somethin wrong
He said no, except you were were doin 85 in a 60 mile zone
Then I said officer
Let me explain please
Ya see the truth of the matter is
Is that I have an emergency
He said no excuses
And no exception
I said this is some bull...as he gave me the ticket
Said have a nice day and walked away
I said yeah right and drove away
Then I turned my radio on
And did 70 all the way home

I pulled up in the driveway
Hopped out and slammed the car door
Then go in through the back
Bust up in the house and she screamin
Whats all that for

Then I'm like woman I called this house
And a man picked up my phone
Then she said calm down
Did you forget
My brother Twan came home

And thats all I could say was oh
Wit a stupid look on my face
Said I forgot he came home today
And she said thats okay
Because honey I understand
She said you dont have to explain
Then I took her by the hand
I kissed her and then we went to the room
Then I turned some music on
Apologized one more time
Then went down and start gettin it on
And she started bitin her lip
Grabbing me and makin noise
Now we makin love and she's my ear whisperin
It's all yours
I said I love you
And she said I love ya, too
Then a tear fell up out my eye
Then I called her my sunshine
And then she looked at me
And said baby go deeper please
And thats when I start goin crazy
Like I was tryin to give her a baby
The room feel like its spinnin
We keep turnin and turnin
As if we were in a whirlwind
The way our toes are curlin
The next thing ya know, she starts goin real wild
And starts screamin my name
Then I said baby, we must slow down
Before I bust a vessel in my brain
And she said please no dont stop
And I said I caught a cramp
And she said please keep on goin
I said my leg is about to crack
Then she cries out
Oh my goodness, I'm about to climax
And I said cool
Just let go of my leg

She says you're the perfect lover
I said I cant go no futher
Then I flip back the cover
Oh my God, a rubber...

08-25-2005, 04:24 PM
Worst Poem Ever

This is the worst poem ever
Dont believe me
Well you should
This is the worst poem ever
In fact its so bad
I dont think i can write anymore
So ill end it here ...

08-25-2005, 05:09 PM
Personally, I am an individual

Egocentric, full circle I have come,

Self-serving, I look after myself,

Self-sufficient, I look to no one.

I am one.


08-25-2005, 05:41 PM
Looking Back At Me

I feel the breeze.
Watch ducks swimming on the pond.
One duck. Outcast.
Different color. By itself.
Ugly Duckling.

Leaves dip.
Ripples across the water.
Brown soft tubes on long stems.
Sun glistens.
New. Summer. Peaceful.

The sun warms my bones.
Feels good. I feel good.
I close my eyes and think.
A fish in sea weed,
leaving bubbles out my mouth.
Looking back at me,
what would I see
if I were that fish?

08-25-2005, 07:21 PM

I is born,

Because to love him my,

Life goal must be.


Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse
08-25-2005, 07:45 PM
when I'm gone
for one moment
everyday, just think of me
and that would be
enough to know
my life was not in complete vein
because I while I was there I loved you with every

of you
was happines and dream true
was you with me
thoughts were

as i look back
i know ive done some very wrong
things to you

and yes i'm sorry
please try to forgive myself and i
please try and try
because i would like nothing more than to be next to you

oh yes i would,
i really, really would
to be with you, to think
of you

when i look back at all the times
there is one that sticks out
in my dead mind

and thats just of you
with me and arms

and yes,
we're running

simply running
simply running
simply running

only running
only running

out of breath

(please note the grammatical errors which surely add to the badness, and also that these are real lyrics that I used to woo a past lady friend, and yes, she did run)

08-25-2005, 10:45 PM
(Hey, no fair putting in testimonials...)

08-27-2005, 07:29 PM
Just in case someone else was going to wait and do all their rep points at once for this contest...you'll probably have to space it out. I was part of the way through when I got a little message screen that told me I'd given out too many reps, and had to wait another 24 hours ;-).

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse
08-27-2005, 08:39 PM
ah! I was going to go crazy on them on Sunday. I'll do it in bits then, thanks!

are we allowed to enter more than one poem? Can we change our entry?
Some people don't seem to rate me at bad poetry and I have got a 50 page epic to prove them wrong...

08-28-2005, 12:35 AM
Hmm, a Mediteranean girl and a Norwegian guy--good combination. Hope they settled into painting one house.

OneTeam OneDream
08-28-2005, 12:51 AM
As first seen on the men's room stall in ancient Greece.

*clears throat*

Here I sit
All Broken hearted
Tried to shi*
but only farted.

08-31-2005, 12:35 AM
Wacky Zacky

I have a dog his name Zack
It's true he is a little whacked
But I adore him all the more
Would never throw him out the door

Zack eats my shoes, my flowers and things
Yet he can still make my heart sing(s)
He has one eye this dog of mine
Yes, that means he sorta blind

He drags around on legs of three
I guess he will never climb a tree
Still we share a love that's true
And I don't mind picking up his poo

Zacky is wacky, of that there's no doubt
From his missing tail to his long brown snout
But how can I say this and not sound tacky?
Because I think we are both a little wacky

08-31-2005, 03:48 AM
When I punched your nose

in the grass

And you socked my eye

in the dirt

Then our pants came down

And Boy, I knew you was

a flirt

Then you kicked my shin

In School

And I ripped your blouse

in two

And you poked me in

The grapes

Then I knew I was

Your foo

When we tied the knot

for good

It was a scratch we

Couldn't itch

But nobody toll me

I got

A crack-hoe stinking *****.


08-31-2005, 05:55 AM
Ode to poems that insert useless syllables and expect readers to dra-a-a-aw out words. (and unoriginal rhymes!)

(Best said out loud, phonetically)

Oh woe is you-ew-ew-ew

I can make you-ew-ew-ew

Speak how-ow-ow-ow

I want you to sow-ow-ow-ound

Iambic is du-uh-uh-uhmb

No better than plu-uh-uh-uhmbs

Pentameter too-ew-ew-ew

Too bad for you-ew-ew-ew

I write pro-o-o-oze

Better smellin’ than a ro-oh-oh-oze

If you say them out lo-ow-ow-oud

I’d be pro-ow-ow-oud

I can talk about lu-uh-uh-ove

Which always comes from abo-uh-uh-ove

Cause nuthin’ else rhy-eye-eye-ymes

Unless you got lot’s of ti-eye-eye-ime

Maybe a do-uh-uh-ove

Might rhyme with lu-uh-uh-ove

But that is stu-ew-ew-upid

Who cares about cu-ew-ew-upid

You wish you were me-ee-ee-ee

Cause I’m talentedy-ee-ee-ee

Ol’ W.Shake made up wo-er-er-ords

I will too, but now about bi-er-er-irds

Besides doves there’s ha-aw-aw-awks

They got feathers not lo-aw-aw-ocks

And theres lots of spar-air-air-arrows

And even phar-air-air-arophs

Wait, I meant phe-ee-ee-eonix

Which rhymes with pe-ee-ee-enis

I just made you say a bad wo-er-er-ord

I’m such a little tur-ur-ur-urd

I guess it’s not really that ba-a-a-ad

I bet it still made you ma-a-a-ad

But now I am do-uh-uh-one

Cause I gotta ru-uh-uh-un

09-01-2005, 12:42 AM
Smooth criminal

Walks down the street, silent and lithe
cristal clear look , cuts through the night
leaving bloodstains behind
another murder in mind
while the cops arrive
he feels most alive.
No clues, no traces to lead to him
no regrets and no evil grin
killer for maffia or rockstar on drugs
He's on the picture and takes out the slugs.
No deals made, no promises kept
his every action is a special-effect
He writes his own script, lives by His code
and if he gets killed, he's back the next episode.
Smooth criminal-creates the whitest light
blinding the witness, moves out of sight.
catch a glimpse,turn and see that he's gone
gone back to his kingdom of Old Babylon.

......dont ask what it means, i dont know myself..thats what makes it AWFUL poetry.

09-01-2005, 10:07 AM
Please note that the deadline for entry is now passed.
Please remember that voting commences 09:00 Sept 2nd, and not before.
May the worst poem win!

09-01-2005, 04:35 PM
ADHD kid asks, "How is it that we vote again?"

09-01-2005, 06:20 PM
According to the first post, PM your votes to WordSoup, and rep the poet.

It's now 09:21 central. Voting has begun!

09-01-2005, 07:20 PM
Wait a minute--today is Sept. 1st. Voting starts the 2nd. Right??

09-01-2005, 07:23 PM
I saw this too! It IS the 1st today right? or am I going crazy?

09-01-2005, 07:47 PM
Oops, sorry. Voting starts Sept 2, right? My fault.

09-01-2005, 08:36 PM
Well crud, I already voted. Does that screw the whole thing up?

09-01-2005, 09:52 PM
If you voted for me, no. If not, vote again tomorrow and this time vote for me. You'll be all set.


09-01-2005, 11:00 PM

I suspected (hoped) there would be enough entrants that there ought to be a day grace between the competition closing and the votes starting - it is so that everyone can re-read all the entries (which may even have changed since you first read them) to make sure that the early contestants stand the same chance as the later ones.

As for me I guess I am going to need more than a day to work it out anyway - the standard was so high.. I mean... the standard was so LOW!

09-02-2005, 03:09 AM
Oops, sorry. Voting starts Sept 2, right? My fault.

It's ALWAYS your fault, Ray. I've already told you that. Listen up. Whatever it is....it's ALWAYS Ray's fault!

(I'm taking the heat off my friend, Dawno. Sorry, Ray. :wag: )

09-02-2005, 04:08 AM
Yea...that's it. :idea:

It wasn't my fault see...:Shrug:

It was someone else that made me do it. Yea, that's the ticket.:hat:

09-03-2005, 05:16 AM
MUNCHKIN--Please post again somewhere on this forum so I can rep you (I'm voting for your poem.) The system won't let me rep you twice for your poem. Thanks!


09-03-2005, 08:49 AM
MUNCHKIN--Please post again somewhere on this forum so I can rep you...
Pat, this will work: If you click on Munchkin's name, you'll get a page that shows other posts by the same person. You can go to one of those posts and give it a point.

09-03-2005, 04:23 PM
Pat, this will work: If you click on Munchkin's name, you'll get a page that shows other posts by the same person. You can go to one of those posts and give it a point.

I think Pat posted somewhere else that Munchkin has only posted once with his/her poem. So there are no other posts.

09-03-2005, 05:12 PM
A hit-and-run poster!

09-03-2005, 05:28 PM
Perhaps an alias??? (we need some conspiracies in this contest, else there won't be any conspiracies)

Rob :)

09-03-2005, 06:33 PM
Perhaps an alias??? (we need some conspiracies in this contest, else there won't be any conspiracies)

Rob :)

Was it you, Rob????

09-04-2005, 12:01 AM
Yes, Munchkin has only posted ONCE (the poem)...so am not quite sure what to do here...

09-04-2005, 07:54 AM
Send Munchkin a private message or an e-mail and ask for a second post?

09-04-2005, 09:10 PM
Thanks, I'll give that a try...

(Or, I could just vote for #2...)

09-07-2005, 10:56 PM
9-7-05 - Katrina knocked out my internet... So posting the final tally for the votes may be delayed a day or two as I'm on a friend's computer.
Thanks for understanding - Jen aka WordSoup

09-08-2005, 07:31 PM
9-7-05 - Katrina knocked out my internet... So posting the final tally for the votes may be delayed a day or two as I'm on a friend's computer.
Thanks for understanding - Jen aka WordSoup

Sorry to hear this. It knocked out a lot of other computers too. I know because all the hordes voting for my terrible poem haven't repped me yet. Then of course, it could also be because I just wasn't as bad to the bone as I thought. Hmmm, I'll have to ponder what I could have done worse for the next time?

I think I could have penned it in white like William Haskins secret thread???

09-10-2005, 03:26 AM
Is this the last day for voting?

09-10-2005, 08:56 AM
Yes in a few minutes the voting will be over!!!!!!

Then I'll consult with WordSoup to see if the votes make a clear winner...

I was pondering the 'what to do if there is a tie..'

I think a good option would be to extend the voting period without declaring who is in tied position while simultaneously advertising that votes are close and we need more voters in order to get a winner.

Say, a three day extension -

And if that didn't break the tie then I suppose we should accept two winners.

Anyone got idea better than that let me know!

09-10-2005, 09:19 AM
Maybe voting should be extended anyway. Parts of the hurricane area have had power out for varying periods.

Why not have multiple winners? There's so much emphasis on being number one at this or that. The idea of being "the best" or "the winner" pervades this culture. I think it has bad effects.

09-10-2005, 06:36 PM
Maybe voting should be extended anyway. Parts of the hurricane area have had power out for varying periods.

Why not have multiple winners? There's so much emphasis on being number one at this or that. The idea of being "the best" or "the winner" pervades this culture. I think it has bad effects.

I'm all for that!! (unless I'm the clear winner...)

Rob :)

09-11-2005, 07:42 AM
Heeheehee, after all the rejection notices we all get, we should all win. :D

09-14-2005, 07:42 PM


WE HAVE A TIE!!!!!!!

LOL.... Chat amongst yourselves for a while... Announcement will follow shortly.

09-14-2005, 10:39 PM
WE HAVE A TIE!!!!!!!
Oh, I see. "Did you win?" in the sig line isn't a teaser. It's an honest question.

09-14-2005, 11:48 PM
Did I come in at fifth place again? :ROFL:

09-15-2005, 12:02 AM
Ma toes are gittin cold.

09-15-2005, 12:07 AM
OK, ok... I'm consulting those who tied to discover their wishes...
...so that means if you don't have a PM from me then you didn't tie for first place BUT I'll also be listing (dis)honourable mentions, so please do continue to watch this space.

09-15-2005, 01:01 AM
:banana: :banana: :banana: THE RESULTS:banana: :banana: :banana:

(Dis)honourable mentions go to:




I'd like to confirm that both of our winners shall be the unlucky recipients of my first book of poetry (whenever it may be destined to be published), although they may need to keep me possessed of valid contact details for decades to come LOL!!!

I'd also like to thank everyone who participated: All the entries were at such an awful standard that it made it a terribly tough decision (for me, and I am sure everyone else who voted) but a wonderfully enjoyable contest.

Lets see if we can do even worse next year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

09-15-2005, 01:52 AM
http://www.riderinfo.com/forums/images/smilies/sign%20green%20with%20envy.gifI hate it when I don't do my worst! Conrats to all!!!!!!!!!!!!

09-15-2005, 01:55 AM
I can't believe my toes didn't win!!!!

(congrats, everyone!)

09-15-2005, 02:14 AM
Congratulations to us! Or maybe jeers are in order. And may I compliment Ray's toes on not winning?

Alphabet, are you willing to reveal how many votes each winner and runner-up got?

09-15-2005, 02:23 AM
I can't believe my toes didn't win!!!!

(congrats, everyone!)

me either, that was disgusting, Ray-ewewewew...

Congratulations to the Absolutely Awful Poetry Contest winners!
(Where it's good to be bad.)

09-15-2005, 02:34 AM
:Hail: All hail the terrible winners! Truly, I'm in awe of your abilities. Thank you for all the laughs.

09-15-2005, 03:12 AM
Reph, vote count won't be revealed, except to say that it was a low count. I hope we can do better next year. Regardless of that the winners did win!!!

But I will say that the (dis)honourable mentions were also tied, so they were all equally (dis)honourable too!!

09-15-2005, 03:59 AM
I would like to thank the Academy. Man, seems like I always win for doing the worst... It reminds me of Bingo on a cruise to Bermuda. One day, they announced that they wanted to give the losers a chance at winning. Everyone had to stand up and play with one card. IF they called out B5 and you had it on your card, you sat down. The last one standing, who had NONE of the winning numbers, WON! Well, guess who that was? I got so excited, I started jumping up and down and screaming. Hey, I didn't know what I had won yet..... a stupid mug! Not a fair prize considering how many people were in that lounge. Anyway, thanks Alphabet for taking the time to do all this. I really enjoyed all the entries. Great fun!

09-15-2005, 04:16 AM
For the biggest losers, Well done!

I guess this means I lost, er, I mean won...cuz I didn't win.
Hell, I don't know what I mean.

Great contest, great fun.


09-15-2005, 04:36 AM
Man, that's godawful news for that bunch of talentless hacks...congratulations losers and those who were almost losers!

Rob :)

09-15-2005, 04:38 AM
Oh, and Alphabet, thanks for all your hard work (and wordsoup, too)!

:Clap: :Clap: :Clap:

Rob :)

09-15-2005, 05:26 AM
:Jaw: I can't believe it! You hate me, you REALLY hate me! I think.

Or love, love, love me? (I voted for cassie88, because it really was classic.)

I'm AWFULLY proud. I think. :confused:

I told my mom (I had previously read all the enties to her over the phone because they were soooo hilarious) and she said she hasn't decided if she is going to brag about me, seeing as I won for being the worst. Congrats to all the other loooooosers!

Gotta take the good with the......Absolutely Worst

Soo...now I will be changing my signature to....

(drum roll please)

09-15-2005, 06:48 AM
You people are unbelievable! You have too much taste...or is that absolutely no taste! You couldn't recognize bad if you fell over it and it scratched an ugly illness into your knee with its rusted points! I am disgusted that you let me entry sit above those chosen in the heiarchy of tasteful poetics. You disgust me...you truly, truly disgust me!!!!!!

That is all for now!!!!!!!!!

But, seriously, congratulations to you suck-azz poets who cannot write to save your pink drowning ducks. You won fair and square! PPHHHHH!

09-15-2005, 07:00 AM
Congratulations to the Awful Poets
InexperienceInker and Cassie88

and to the (Dis)honorable mentions Reph, Unique and Ilsensine.

:Clap: :Clap: :Clap: :Clap: :Clap: :Clap: :Clap:

09-15-2005, 03:51 PM
Congratulations! You've done it and just imagine how this will look good on your next Query Letter. "I'm the worst..."- Well, you might want to leave this part out.


09-15-2005, 06:33 PM
http://www.riderinfo.com/forums/images/smilies/sign%20green%20with%20envy.gifI hate it when I don't do my worst! Conrats to all!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes you did. I voted for you.:hooray:

09-15-2005, 08:07 PM
Congratulations to the winners (I mean, losers...I think...)! The competition was indeed stiffer than I anticipated. (But I still am at a loss to explain why I didn't even get ONE vote!!!) Oh well. There's always next year :-).

09-15-2005, 08:17 PM
You know, it seems to me that if this is the AW Absolutely Awful Poetry Contest, it's probably a given that the tabulation of votes was awful, as well. Just saying...

Rob :)

09-16-2005, 04:07 AM
Congratulations to the winners! It was loads of fun reading through the entries.

09-16-2005, 04:17 AM
I have just giggled and cackled my way through this whole thread. You guys are nuts!:banana:

10-01-2005, 10:14 PM
Hi guys -
This is just to link in the following two threads (for posterity)

The AbsoluteWrite Absolutely Awful Poetry Crit-eek thread (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17069)

Justify Your Vote: The Absolutely Awful Poetry Contest (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18418)