The AbsoluteWrite Absolutely Awful Poetry Contest.

Status
Not open for further replies.

Alphabet

Aspiring Inspirer
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 28, 2005
Messages
961
Reaction score
265
Location
Stevenage, England
Welcome to the first ever 'AbsoluteWrite Absolutely Awful Poetry Contest'.

The inspiration for this competition comes from the regular threads about what makes poetry good, and what makes poetry bad. The aspiration for this competition is to have a lot of fun and maybe to learn something by inverse practice.

Poets and non-poets alike are invited to submit one poem only, on any theme. The winning poem will be that judged to be the WORST. That is right. This is a competition to write the worst possible poem you can. If you are not a poet perhaps you have a small advantage! or maybe not?

The uncertain may wish to roam the web and read a lot of poetry, noting what they hate about each one - and then trying to ensure their entry contains all that and more. Those confident of their inability, however, may feel able to jot down a winning poem in a few seconds flat! There are no rules as to how you come to write your entry (so long as it IS you who wrote it), but there are a few rules about the process of entry itself:

1) The entry fee to the competition (YES! There is an entry fee) will be one reputation point to every other entrant.

2) The maximum poem length will be 60 lines.

3) Entries may not be edited after the end of the competition. Any entry with a last edited stamp after the competition end will be disqualified.

4) Poems edited based on crit-eeks will be disqualified and deleted. (see the crit-eek thread to find out what a crit-eek is)

4) The deadline for entry is 01:00 September 1st 2005

5) Please vote by PM to WordSoup, our wonderful Poetry Forum Moderator.

The voting period will run from:
09:00 September 2nd 2005 until midnight September 9th 2005.

The result will be announced on:
September 12th 2005.

(unless there's a real-life crisis - in which case there will be a note posted about the delay)

NOTE: All times stated are according to Central Time.

And yes! There will be prizes to the winner!!!!!!!!!
and to every runner-up too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The prize: Each voter will send a reputation point to the poet they believe entered the worst poem. In this way the winner will get the biggest 'prize' and so on.

So voters.. don't forget.. PM to WordSoup, Rep point to the poet.

......And, may the worst poem win.

Edited (17th August) to apend to the voting rules:
All contestants must vote, and it must be for an entry other than their own.

Edited (22nd August) to add a PRIZE!!!!!!
I thought, hey, maybe a real prize will motivate extra people to enter.. and it wasn't long before I came up with just the thing to suit this special contest.

To the winner only: A copy of my first published book of poetry, (dependent on being PMd an address to send it to). This book has not been published yet, it isn't actually anywhere near completion yet, so it could take a while (anywhere from here to eternity actually). But eventually, what a prize eh? (Absolutely Awful)
 
Last edited:

scfirenice

professional multitasker
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 18, 2005
Messages
3,937
Reaction score
388
Location
Between a rock and a hard place.
This was in response to the accusation that I was stalking Rhymegirl

Here goes. Ah-Hem

Yes I was stalking
But away you went walking
Soon I must go
My husband can't find the grocery sto'

S

:roll:
 

Nateskate

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 14, 2005
Messages
3,837
Reaction score
509
Location
Somewhere in the mountains
Pig slop soup

"Eye of a pig
Tick in a twiddle
Move over dog
you're starting to piddle

Eggs that have rotted
Boils filled with fungus
The tongue of a turd
Sprays bad poems among us"

Bad, you want bad? Well happy or sad-Why give you what you want? That would be good, which is bad in your twisted confusing world. I should give you my best, not my badest, my goodest, not my
stinking saddest..., that would serve you right!
Just a vendictively nice poem of love, and niceness,
and warm fuzzy stinking feelings. That would send you
bad-poem lovers a message,
"Go home! You're not going to get what you want...Ha, ha. So there!"

No, no bad, redundant, stinking vermin poems for you!

You wan 'em bad, don't you? Well, pigs eyes in a bowl of dove's dung, you got em!!

Scum from the plagurized pond of the belly lint of a
giant's rotting carcass, dripping on this page, and ooohhh
to think you love it, lick it, roll in it, and even come back for more.
No, don't pretend to have an ounce of sanity, because
if you are here reading this bane drivel, you are insane

"Always insult the crowd," that is what I say! "Always make them feel lower than the blisters on the bottom of an ant's toe."

Why are you reading this puss? Are you one of those puke for brains? What's the matter with you? Have you no dignity? Are you enjoying this displeasure?

Of course, "Yes, insult them, insult them...Gollum, Gollum
Yes, they want's the precious poem...Gollum, Gollum...well, they can't have it!
"No precious poems for you..." he rages,"Filthy Hobbitses...No...they're mine, my own, all of them, my precious." Ah, admit it! You are not stuck, glued here to your seat, doomed to read only rotting words carved by innocent fingers on the inside of this cesspool of filth, in the bowels of a wart-toad, but here you are anyway.

Breath the deep rising excriment as you read the words on the walls. You were tricked into coming, "Oh, poor Smeagle...master's tricksy, but Gollum will make them pay. He tells the masters he has a good poem for them, exciting..."Change the world with my words," he says! "Save the hobbits from Mordor," he says."Gollum! Gollum!"

No, his face is becoming clearer, it's not Gollum at all...now I see, it's you!
"Hannible, no not here...no, not here...I see your twisted mind again, and how you toy with poor Agent Starling. Go away, you can't have your way here. Oh, I see! She can't take her eyes off your poem. Makes sense. She thinks she'll solve riddles in the dark, solve mysteries, reading your sick pathetic words, which you calously write through the warden's pen. Oh, those sharks eyes.

No, the lambs are not silent in these halls, I thought as I watched, him, but he would not let go.
"No, Hannible, let go of its head...no, stop...

Is this bad enough for ya? If not, come again and be even more disappointed!
 

loquax

I verb nouns adverbly
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 5, 2005
Messages
1,064
Reaction score
165
She is being watched smoothly by me
But
My stupid restraining order means I cannot go any closer, which is
Unfortunate
Because I achingly want to.
 

JoeEkaitis

Certified Gray Haired Geek
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 13, 2005
Messages
2,324
Reaction score
750
Age
69
Location
A wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagi
e. e. cummings on pedestrian behavior

why-why-oh-WHY-do-pedestrians-run-like-the-dickens-to-the-curb

and

then

take

FOR-

EVER

to

cross

the

street

once

they

are

in

the

cross-

walk




?
 
Last edited:

mdmkay

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 29, 2005
Messages
472
Reaction score
129
Location
Nebraska
Website
www.mdmkay.blogspot.com
I KNOW I CAN WRITE POETRY CAUSE MY MOM SAID SO.

As I write of my miserable sucking feelings attacking my soul
Is there no one who will understand me and say so
I talk of my fears and tears and ruminating in the night
You guys say I'm navel-gazing and should just give up the fight
How can you say that I'm being pain and just want people to feel sorry for me
I didn't understand that person who insulted by saying to get of the pity pot or at least pee
You guys aren't very nice. Can't you see what a tortured soul I am
I ryme each line like a poet should and you still call me a sham
Just for that I'm going to pick up my toys and go home
At least my mom likes my poems
 

Cassie88

Make mine a double entendre
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 17, 2005
Messages
3,824
Reaction score
790
Location
Connecticut
I Love, love, love you

Will you love me.
Love me.
love me.
I love you.
love
love
you
Isn't it enough love for you.
How much love do you need anyway.
Oh my love
For you are my love
Even though you don't love me
You can't decide who I should love
Or how much I should love you
I'll love you with all my love
Not just part of my love
And if I have my way
I'll love you longer than you live
Longer than I'll live
That's how deep my love is
Deeper than a deepest hole
Higher than the sky
Wider than the sky
Have you looked at the sky
lately, there is no end to it
There is no beginning to it
That's how my love is for you
No beginning no end
Always and forever
Forever and always
So it really doesn't matter
If you love me
I have enough love for both of us
But I would still like it better
If you loved me
If you
love
love
love
me.
Please tell me with your heart.
And then I'll show you
Even more love
Than I have professed here
Because I have more love
To show you.
I do
Those are the real words of love
I do
Do you?
Remember,
Love begets love
And love never forgets love
Oh, love of my life
And death!
 
Last edited:

eldragon

in a van down by the river
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 24, 2005
Messages
5,095
Reaction score
912
Location
Mississippi
Website
lifeat42.blogspot.com
Yucky SEX poem





It’s the end of the third date

And I know I can’t wait

Any longer to find out the truth.



They say you are hung

And I know you are young

Better pass me the vermouth.



There’s no conversation

No imagination

Our meetings are horrendously boring

So like I said, lets go to bed

And hopefully I won’t end up snoring.



If I discover

You’re a rotten lover

You won’t see me again



I won’t settle for six.

Not even eight

You’d better be packing ten.



Now you listen

Forget any kissin

The time is now to get busy.



So pour me a drink

Go wash up in the sink

Cause your odor is making me dizzy.



It just goes to show

How little you know

By thinking I like you at all.



What would an older woman like me?

Want with a kid who works at a mall?



An hour later

I’m a masturbator

Dang I was fooled again.



Next time I’ll take two

Of the likes of you.
Five plus five equals ten.
 

JennaGlatzer

wishes you happiness
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 9, 2005
Messages
9,703
Reaction score
3,460
Website
www.jennaglatzer.com
The Soul of My Heart

My soul
Is in a hole
Because you broke my heart
Like the sweet air is broken by a fart

I feel like I got run over
Like my dog Rover
Who, by the way,
Loved me better than you any day

Oh, death, misery, tears and things
It stings! It stings! It stings!
Like bees and paper cuts
But you didn't deserve me because you are a putz

I will look at this rose and tears drop down
Will I forever wear this frown?
O how my heart bleeds and aches and feels like poo
Because of who? Oh yes, it's you

Who ran off with that hussy
You must not be fussy
Her unibrow shadows her crooked nose
I hope the hair on her mole continues to grows

But one day you'll come back to me, I know
Because the heart of my soul will always show
Until then I'll die. I'll die, do you hear?
By the way, I have stolen all of your beer.
 

Richard

13th Triskaidekaphobe
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 12, 2005
Messages
1,868
Reaction score
316
Location
England
Website
www.richardcobbett.co.uk
Oh, my sweet, let me just say
I love you like a summer day
Your lips, and toes, most sexy art
They make me beat more than my heart!
Your eyes of blue, and teeth of green...
Truly! The loveliest, I hath 'ere seen
But then I came to do thine hair
A romantic verse, with verve, and flair
Its silky locks, so soft with promise...
And then, you *****, you dyed it orange
 

JAlpha

Smilie Fanatic
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 16, 2005
Messages
1,998
Reaction score
809
Location
Usually at my computer
Website
diaryofaliteraryfictioneditor.blogspot.com
:banana: Gettin Jiggy Wit the Hot Flash White Mother Rapper


Who turned the heat up?
Whoo! Whoo!

Who turned the heat up?
Whoo! Whoo!

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm tellin' you why :Soapbox:

Hot Flash
White Mother Rapper is comin' to town

Break it down
groovy3.gif


She's heating up
So you better get the party started
:PartySmil

Who turned the heat up?
Whoo! Whoo!

Who turned the heat up?
Whoo! Whoo!

Close your eyes and gimme your hand :Guitar:
Do you feel my heart racing, do you understand?
Do you feel it, am I only dreaming?

Or is this burning an eternal flame?
Is this burning an eternal flame?

An eternal flame? :Cake:


Who turned the heat up?
Whoo! Whoo!

Who turned the heat up?
devil2.gif

Whoo! Whoo!

Raise the roof and give it up
The Hot Flashin, Original Unoriginal,
White, Bad Mother Rapper is in the house
Ridin high on mood swings :eek:

Say yo! Say yo yoooooooo! :TheWave:

Hot Flash White Mother Rapper over
And out (of her hormonally challenged mind :crazy: )

q: )
 
Last edited:

Pat~

Luftmensch Emeritus, A.D.D.
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 13, 2005
Messages
6,817
Reaction score
2,975
Rhapsody of Love

(to be read in an appropriately sing-song voice...)

Rhapsody of Love



Today is the anniversary of the day we first met

On board that fated jumbo jet;

Oh, how could I have ever known

‘Twould be as such I’d never flown?



You jabbed me with your elbow bare

Unwrapping plastic silverware;

The coffee in my paper cup

Sloshed on my eggs; I mopped it up.



I stole a look, with glance sideways,

Your eyes like roadmaps met my gaze;

You took my breath away that morn,

Like the time my ACL was torn.



Your parted lips caused mine to foam,

Your teeth in rows as in the comb

Used now and then by my 9-yr. old daughter,

Oh, my heart was led like pig to slaughter…



And when our jet in windshear rare,

Caused us that special bag to share,

And your white knuckles gripped my knee--

Well, I knew you were the one for me.



So now I write this rhapsody

Of what your love has meant to me;

Let’s fly today for old time’s sake,

And this time I will stay awake.

 
Last edited:

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 24, 2005
Messages
29,138
Reaction score
8,563
Location
Toronto
Website
ktcraig.com
Love You Always

Your eyes,
so much like diamonds
the glare hurts my eyes.
Your ears,
like lunar slices,
half-moon pies
on the side of your face.
Your feet,
though they trip you always,
are like lemon wedges,
so beautiful, not sour.
I love you,
your heart
bigger than mountains in Asia,
bigger than the fame of Fantasia!
I love your arms,
they reach for my heart
and grip it like wings
of a butterfly,
mashed in between window panes...
And I remember
your perspiration,
traced across your face,
and I blush...
I wish I was your napkin.
I love your lips,
soft, plush,
like a vertical banana split...
smiling across the plain of your face.
How do I love thee,
let me see,
oh so many ways,
oh so many days!
Love you always!




Kevin
 

rtilryarms

Crossbows and Handgonnes
Super Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 11, 2005
Messages
3,932
Reaction score
646
Age
67
Location
Fort Lauderdale
NOT


Here I sit writing a poem;

It won’t make much sense"

And I know not to who’em?



If a subject here is slightly perceived!

It is purely by accident'

For I meant to deceive:

Not,



Further to bumble.

In this nonsensical ramble?

I still stay humble!

Not:



(And so you may pray)

Loud and hard shall you ;

That I perhaps have no more to say..............

NOT!!!!!!!!

 

trumancoyote

My Name is Sweet Thing
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 23, 2005
Messages
2,705
Reaction score
1,148
Location
Arizona
Website
www.janetismeantome.com
Romancing the Muse

Whither goes my musiest muse
(a fat black floozy
with too-tiny shoes)
I will go too.

And I'll schmooze
her with booze and
casu'ly dropped clues
that I fancy her boobs
and the way that she chews
her greasy fried food
with not one tooth,
but two,
both covered in ooze
like sticky black glue
from the chew that she chews --
not one pack
but two.

And if she's bemused
why I'd fancy her boobs
and the way she chews chew
and the way she chews food,
I'd say to her: HEY!
You stupid *****. How about giving me some ****ing ideas, already? I mean, I'm sucked dry, and with all this pretending that I like you, one would think that I might ****ing get something out of it already. Sheesh.
 

rhymegirl

It's a New Year!
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 12, 2005
Messages
21,640
Reaction score
6,411
Location
New England
Life

Life is so freakin' hard to understand,
Can you tell I used to be in a band?
I know how to play the drums,
And don't you be thinkin' that I am dumb!

But life is somethin' I just can't figure out,
Did you know a swine has a really movable snout?
Oh, but I digress, I was talkin' about life,
There's just so much war and fighting and strife.

Those people think they know so much on Absolute Write,
They beter pick my real good poem or I will want to fight.
Life is hard to understand, it is so true,
I'm a real good poet and I rhyme better than YOU!
 

Eliel Takavian

Here we go again
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 11, 2005
Messages
163
Reaction score
52
Location
On the brink
Leopard Seals and Your Daddy

My rhymes are so blue

They stick to you like glue

Under your shoe

And when I am through

You are through too

The ocean is blue

Leopard Seals are not blue, boo-hoo

Don’t’ tell me to shoo

You big sack of poo

Or I will thump you

With my big metal screw

The next line is true

I don’t have a clue

But just like you’d better do

I’ll vote for me too



So I guess this is it

My poem I will quit

And though it’s legit

The thing smells like doggy-doo



OK one more line

One more second of your time

Just read the next line and I’m sure you’ll be fine



So are you mad?

Cause I write worse than Brad

This is the best/worst poem you ever had

So don’t be sad

Please vote for you dad(dy)

My poem IS that bad!
 
Last edited:

Pthom

Word butcher
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 12, 2005
Messages
7,013
Reaction score
1,207
Location
Oregon
Bad Poem

The Rhyme of the Ancient Marinara

Tomatoes are red;
Zucchinnis aren't.
Put 'em together in a bowel.
Not yet, wait.
(Subtract a vowel)
Get a plate.
Add juice of fowl.
Foul.

Stir, cook.
Whir!
Look.
Not yet, not yet. Okay: now.
And how?
Brown cow.
Add wine.
more

Don't whine
nor
pout but find the
plate
No loss.
Just put the sauce
on your
noodle
s.
 

mysteryhost

On assignment. keeping us safe
Registered
Joined
Mar 8, 2005
Messages
44
Reaction score
43
Age
48
Location
The Continental World
The Ballad of the Midnight Snack

I get hungry antejentacular
.......As if an anteloquy of food bygone
...............Butt (sic) for the borborygmus
......................Gementing so stodgily
....................................Ischaemia evidencing that
................................................The ising ever iterant
.............................................................Reminds me why I am so querimonious



THE END
 
Last edited:

reph

Fig of authority
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 11, 2005
Messages
5,160
Reaction score
971
Location
On a fig tree, presumably
The Choice

or

[Untitled, No. 1,047]


Canto I.

'Cuz Granny told me patience is a virtue,
And sitting still could never hardly hurt you,
I find distraction sucking on hot peppers
And writing checks to charities for lepers.
Life can't be fun for folks who don't have noses.
I guess they cannot stop and smell the coffee.

But what, you ask, need I distraction from?
Why, waiting for those Web pp. to come.
For everyone but me has switched to broadband,
The only holdout I, across this broad land.
At dimming screen I stare--see, I've got dialup.
I sit and sit and try so hard to :) , yup.


Canto II.

Aye! I sing to thou, O Broadband!
To thou, or thee, I sing.
I don't just sing, either, I accompany myself.
I accompany myself with woodwinds and bugle.
Broadband, I salute you!
With the piccolo I toot you!
Not to mention the violin, like a concertmaster,
To celebrate how you make the data arrive much faster.
My tribute to you into the vaporous ether I send by way of timpani,
On account of, without a beat, there ain't no bleedin' symphony.
So I assure you, O Broadband, rising into the vaporous ether is also percussion,
Sort of like a prayer that you'd visit my house to get those bytes a-rushin'.
Dialup is so slow, damn it!
A tambourine as well have I, for waiting to post on free boards,
And sometimes I play keyboards.
And those clickety-clack things.

Aye!

Damn it!


Canto III.

O Broadband, beautiful beauteous Broadband, thou art like a goddess, thou art.

Maybe Diana.

Yes, Diana, huntress unattainable, striding forth at pale-pinkest dawn with her faithful hunting hound through celestial bosky verdurant vegetation, on legs sturdy as Corinthian columns, clad in delicate layers of blowing diaphanous linen, with one tit sticking out.

She of the unerring aim and most glorious accuracy is almost as swift as thee, O Broadband.

She'd be even swifter if Faithful Hound didn't stop to pee at every monument.

Aye!

Damn it!


Canto IV.

And yet, how spare, how meager'd be this life of mine
If I from one task to the next sped all the time!
No moment giv'n to dreaming, ev'ry second fill'd,
The thought my very marrow doth leave halfway chill'd.

Truly seek I that envy'd band of bytes so broad?
For speed-connect hath my desire shrunk or grow'd?
How ev'r the time I'd find creative work to nurture,
These pauses gone, to me remain'd no gap to suture?

Had not its rest the mind in leisure rare and precious,
Wherein creeps Fancy, rodentlike tho' having uses,
Ne'er more would poets see ideas sprung up freshest,
Nor hope to wake would we when wander'd near our muses.

All needed mental pow'rs lack I for this decision,
Tho', shamefully, head mine I very long have scratch'd.
Practice instead shall I gratuitous inversion;
Of rhymes a lexicon I'll build that don't quite match.


Canto V.

Aye! Aye!


Canto VI.

Damn it!
 

Fried From Dixie

Registered
Joined
May 17, 2005
Messages
7
Reaction score
26
Location
Wisconsin
Website
www.elizalynntaylor.com
I can't imagine why this got me an "F" in the fifth grade!

I was given an assignment to write a poem in the fifth grade and I was really stuck. I was up very late trying to get it done. I followed all the parameters given and the class loved it. The teacher hated it. I don't know if she thought I didn't write it or just didn't care for it.


Unnamed Poem

Here I lay upon my bed
With my hand under my head
Trying to think of something to say
But my brain has gone away

I thought of violets
I thought of blue
I thought of roses
And I thought of you

Wish I had help from a friend
Then I could go to sleep
The end
 

kaquinn

Registered
Joined
Aug 11, 2005
Messages
28
Reaction score
27
Location
Idaho
Website
www.darkreveries.com
I read this to a comedy group once to discourage poetry readings.

COLD
I am alone in the cold dark darkness.
I reach out.
It is cold
Cold and dark.
I am alone.
I see nothing
Because it is dark.
I am afraid
Because there is no one
And I reach out to emptiness.
Empty, sad emptiness.
Cold, dark, cold, sad, cold, empty.
Alone in the cold dark darkness.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.