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RainbowDragon
02-04-2010, 04:41 AM
I had an idea for a new game. . .turn the compliment in the message above yours into a rejection.

For example:

Thank you for submitting your manuscript. I loved every word of it!

The rejection to follow could be:

Unfortunately, with the market and all, I can't represent any more works by authors I love.

So, who's next? Turn this into a rejection:

Your story is hot and the characters aren't just three-dimensional, they're five-dimensional.

(Post your rejection and then a new compliment for the next poster. :) )

PoppysInARow
02-04-2010, 05:03 AM
Your story is hot and the characters aren't just three-dimensional, they're five-dimensional.

But sadly your plot failed to enthrall me. I'm afraid there were just too many cliches. Thank you for thinking of me!


Your hook is fresh and will interest many readers across the UK market.

kaitie
02-04-2010, 02:55 PM
Unfortunately, as an American agent, it's not a market I feel I'd be able to reach properly. Cheerio!

You have the best prose I've read in the past ten years.

RainbowDragon
02-05-2010, 04:56 AM
It's so unfair that no one wants to read brilliant prose these days.

I laughed, I cried, I stayed up till 4 AM to finish reading it.

lwalker
02-05-2010, 06:41 AM
I laughed, I cried, I stayed up till 4 AM to finish reading it.

Unfortunately many people are already sleep-deprived enough without your novel adding to their problems. I'm looking for books that can put people to sleep.

Your dialogue pops off the page and your voice is the most original one I've ever come across.

kaitie
02-05-2010, 07:52 AM
Unfortunately, I regret to inform you that unless you're Stephen King, pop-up books for adults are not a big seller. While I applaud your originality, next time please refer to our submission requirements and follow the manuscript formatting guidelines.

I have always wanted to find a novel about vampire elves and their epic battle with the unicorns.

lwalker
02-05-2010, 07:59 AM
But given the current market conditions and the number of authors growing increasingly desperate for an original story, I'm afraid I can't take a chance that someone else's vampire Pygmy and Pegasus novel will beat us to publication.

I was hooked from the very first word, and sad to turn the final page.

Wayne K
02-05-2010, 08:01 AM
Loved the writing, loved the plot...Loved the book.

Unfortunately, I don't like you

:D

RainbowDragon
02-05-2010, 08:03 AM
I have always wanted to find a novel about vampire elves and their epic battle with the unicorns.


Now I've found two! Being second is great at the Olympics. For you, not so much. My client's book Vampire Elves and Their Epic Battle with the Unicorns is being released tomorrow. Three book deal at auction, seven figure advance. It was sweet!

Your book is the best thing since sliced bread.

RainbowDragon
02-05-2010, 08:08 AM
I was hooked from the very first word, and sad to turn the final page.

(Oops - was thinking too long on the last one :) )

Sad because I will be retiring from the agency tomorrow and no one else there likes your book but me (don't bother querying them -- save the stamps!)

Your book is the best thing since sliced bread.

lwalker
02-05-2010, 11:19 PM
I'm sorry to say I have a recently-diagnosed gluten intolerance. I wish you all the best in your search for the agent who can champion your work without fear of anaphylaxis.

You have nailed the voice of a monk-turned-male-prostitute-turned-schoolteacher and his touching relationship with his students so well I went through four boxes of Kleenex last night.

PoppysInARow
02-06-2010, 12:24 AM
You have nailed the voice of a monk-turned-male-prostitute-turned-schoolteacher and his touching relationship with his students so well I went through four boxes of Kleenex last night.

Unfortunately, the lack of attention spent on the other characters in your ms made me go through eight boxes of Kleenex.

But I'm sure another agent will feel differently.


Your book was so enthralling, it made me miss my bus stop and I was stuck on the bus's achingly long tour around the city. Thank goodness I had your book!

RainbowDragon
02-06-2010, 03:17 AM
The bus tipped over and I used it to keep the window propped open. Your book saved lives! Even though it might never be published! You must be aware that it's between genres and that makes it a tough sell. But please do send me your next project. You've certainly got potential.

Your book is one of those rare works I wish I had written myself.

PoppysInARow
02-06-2010, 04:15 AM
Your book is one of those rare works I wish I had written myself.

Thank God I didn't!


I was very intriged with your fast pace and sharp wit.

RainbowDragon
02-06-2010, 08:56 AM
It's just like having a thorn in your hand while riding a motorbike. Exhilarating, but the pain spoils the ride. Please note for future submissions: I hate puns.

This book practically turns its own pages!

shinta
02-06-2010, 10:00 AM
This book practically turns its own pages![/QUOTE]


This book was so riveting that the turning pages created a breeze which made the characters dance right out of the pages. It was the most scintillating performance. But while I liked the pages, I did not fall in love with it as much as I had hoped.


I fell hopelessly in love with the characters of your book and knew instantly that the creator was a master story-teller.

RainbowDragon
02-08-2010, 01:35 AM
But sadly, telling a story and writing a story are distinctly different skills. May I suggest Franklin Buckapage's Editing Services where the semicolons place themselves and the kickbacks are all mine. I'll certainly be bringing my kids to your story hour at the library, though, and best of luck submitting the novel elsewhere.

I was so excited when I finished reading your story I just had to write to you right away!

Silent Rob
02-08-2010, 01:52 PM
I was so excited when I finished reading your story I just had to write to you right away!

I've truly never seen writing this execrable before. It's amazing! You did it on purpose, didn't you? Still, it's the kind of gimmick that doesn't really stand up to scrutiny. Stick to the day job.



I finished reading your manuscript yesterday and instantly sent it to my ten best friends.

Saba
02-08-2010, 02:24 PM
I finished reading your manuscript yesterday and instantly sent it to my ten best friends.

Unfortunately they have now become my ten worst enemies. Most sent back the ms torn to shreds. The rest have sent me angry e-mails demanding I never send them anything to read ever again.

Your story was so suspenseful I stayed up all night just to finish it.

Silent Rob
02-09-2010, 10:05 PM
Your story was so suspenseful I stayed up all night just to finish it.

Unfortunately, the ending was so disappointing that I flew into a very tired rage and blacklisted you with all my colleagues.



Your novel displays a truly gifted application of the English language.

kuatolives
02-10-2010, 05:06 AM
Unfortunately I chase my own industry like an ice cream man chases his own truck.

RainbowDragon
02-10-2010, 07:02 AM
Unfortunately, the ending was so disappointing that I flew into a very tired rage and blacklisted you with all my colleagues.



Your novel displays a truly gifted application of the English language.

Unfortunately we're looking for something in wingdings.

This is the best wingding book ever written!

Katrina S. Forest
02-14-2010, 04:56 PM
Unfortunately we're looking for something in wingdings.

This is the best wingding book ever written!

Unfortunately, it uses quite a few :)'s, and :)'s just aren't selling right now.

This manuscript has some of the most unique and interesting characters I have ever encountered in fiction.

PoppysInARow
02-14-2010, 11:59 PM
Unfortunately, it uses quite a few :)'s, and :)'s just aren't selling right now.

This manuscript has some of the most unique and interesting characters I have ever encountered in fiction.

But I'm afraid a prostitute that fights crime during the day just won't sell to Middle Grade readers.

I adore your writing abilities. Never have I seen a more beautifully laid out opening.

ArcadiaDarrell
03-13-2010, 08:22 AM
...unless it had been written by someone who has actually been published.

I was captivated by your unique voice and delighted by the surprising take you had on modern romance.

Kateness
03-13-2010, 08:28 AM
Unfortunately, I only rep hard military sci-fi, and can only assume that you scattershot your query at every agent you could find and did no real research; definitely not someone I want on my books.

I wish this was nonfiction so I could demand to meet all of your characters and thank them in person just for existing.

RainbowDragon
03-13-2010, 12:40 PM
Then I would apologize that they're just not marketable enough for me to take on in this economy.

Your opening line is the best I've ever read!

half.jaded
03-13-2010, 12:49 PM
But the rest of your work is a stellar example of terrible writing.


Your manuscript is the best thing I've read in two years!

inkspatters
03-13-2010, 02:34 PM
But the higher ups think my taste is terrible, so I'm sorry to say our agency won't be taking you on. Thanks for thinking of me. Best of luck placing this elsewhere.

Your voice is pure gold and your dialogue is so funny it makes me want to pee my pants!

OctoberLee
03-13-2010, 06:06 PM
Your voice is pure gold and your dialogue is so funny it makes me want to pee my pants!

Unfortunately, the hours I spent looking for a new pair of pants means I no longer have time to rep your novel.



After reading your manuscript, I think you're the next J.K. Rowling

Brukaviador
03-13-2010, 06:12 PM
But the publishers keep accusing us of sending them Harry Potter knockoff's so we need to pass.


You work touched my soul.

OctoberLee
03-13-2010, 06:32 PM
But in a completely inappropriate way. Keep your hands to yourself.

Your novel reminded me of why I became an agent.

MarkEsq
03-13-2010, 06:39 PM
Your novel reminded me of why I became an agent.

To be clear: I became an agent so I could reject the kind of mindless, illiterate drivel you are peddling as a "novel."

***

This is the most chilling thriller I have read in years.

OctoberLee
03-13-2010, 10:41 PM
This is the most chilling thriller I have read in years.

In fact the detailed killings were a little too realistic. I have forwarded your name and address, along with your manuscript, to the FBI.


The world you've created is comparable to the works of fantasy greats like Tolkien and C.S. Lewis

RainbowDragon
03-14-2010, 03:19 AM
However, your stories about Wilwo Waggins the Wobbit, Wandalf the Gizzard and Demeter, Fredmund, Hussein and Moosey somehow leave a derivative taste in my mouth. Best of luck in the fan-fic market.

Your antagonist is a beautiful portrait of a tortured soul.

Phaeal
03-15-2010, 05:42 PM
Unfortunately, your damn boring hero kept getting in his way and stealing the stage. I practically had to spork my eyes out whenever that loser appeared.

*****

I have rarely seen descriptive writing of such depth and color.

PoppysInARow
03-16-2010, 12:42 AM
I have rarely seen descriptive writing of such depth and color.

Unfortunately, I couldn't seem to find the plot in all tghat description, sorry!

Your initial incident was so enthralling I felt as though I was living it out myself.

OctoberLee
03-16-2010, 01:14 AM
...probably due to the fact that the main character was forced to read an painfully awful book for an English class. I empathized.


In all my 20 years as an agent, I have never seen a manuscript that was so ready for publication.

PoppysInARow
03-16-2010, 01:20 AM
In all my 20 years as an agent, I have never seen a manuscript that was so ready for publication.

And yet I've never seen a worse time for this kind of book. Sorry!


Your horror was so frightening I was forced to sleep with a cross under my pillow.

ArcadiaDarrell
03-16-2010, 01:40 AM
Your horror was so frightening I was forced to sleep with a cross under my pillow.

However did you manage to write a book that obscenely awful?

Your book is so right for me.

Phaeal
03-16-2010, 02:00 AM
Too bad I'm quitting this gig and becoming an ethnopaleontologist.

I feel I just KNOW all your characters.

Brukaviador
03-16-2010, 02:22 AM
Because I've read about them before in at least thirty other queries this week alone.

I've never seen this much suspense in any other written work.

ArcadiaDarrell
03-16-2010, 05:15 AM
I've never seen this much suspense in any other written work.

Do you ever get around to having a plot?

The depth and symbolism of your prose is astounding.

RainbowDragon
03-18-2010, 10:11 AM
Astoundingly shallow and transparent.

James Earl Jones wants to do the audio book for your novel!

Fallen
03-18-2010, 03:18 PM
but you've not been published before so I gave him mine.

It's got everything, charismatic characters, intricate plot, all together a brilliant synopsis...

OctoberLee
03-18-2010, 04:58 PM
It's got everything, charismatic characters, intricate plot, all together a brilliant synopsis...

everything but an agent. Better luck next time, smuck.


I was so in love with this novel that I think I want to marry you.

PoppysInARow
03-18-2010, 06:56 PM
I was so in love with this novel that I think I want to marry you.

But I'm already married and I can't risk my marriage like that. Maybe someone else will feel differently.

Your pacing impressed everyone here at the office.

Brukaviador
03-18-2010, 07:22 PM
We've never been bored to sleep so quickly.

Your protagonist is the most sympathetic character we've ever seen.

Chris P
03-18-2010, 07:31 PM
We've never been bored to sleep so quickly.

Your protagonist is the most sympathetic character we've ever seen.

Does he ever stand up for himself, anywhere in the book? At all? To ANYONE?

I'd be interested in seeing any other novels you've written.

Donkey
03-18-2010, 07:45 PM
I'd be interested in seeing any other novels you've written.

We're a little bored around here and could use the laughs.


Your handling of antag/protag sexual tension is incredibly insightful.

Rebekah7
03-20-2010, 04:03 AM
It's too bad you wrote a children's picture book.

Your story is an action packed roller coaster ride.

OctoberLee
03-20-2010, 04:26 AM
In fact, at the end I nearly vomited.

After reading this manuscript, I'm convinced we are both going to be independently wealthy very soon.

Donkey
03-20-2010, 05:02 AM
After reading this manuscript, I'm convinced we are both going to be independently wealthy very soon.

Slander, innuendo, classified materials divulged...lawsuits, counter-suits and a vigorous legal defense will make our lawyers rich, anyway.


The labyrinth of unexpected twists and turns was deliciously torturous.

RainbowDragon
03-20-2010, 06:26 AM
The minotaur, utterly disappointing and out of place in a Victorian romance.

Your masterful use of similes made me smile.

PoppysInARow
03-20-2010, 09:37 PM
Your masterful use of similes made me smile.

...For about the first five minutes. Then it became rather repetative. You do know there are other literary devices, don't you?

Your manuscript displays beautifully the struggle of a man through a terminal illness.

RainbowDragon
03-21-2010, 01:48 AM
I'm afraid the ending was just a bit too predictable.

Your first 150,000 words in the voice of a bored housecat were enthralling.

PoppysInARow
03-21-2010, 03:01 AM
Your first 150,000 words in the voice of a bored housecat were enthralling.

And yet the next 150 000 words just didn't capture me.

Your memoir was so breathtaking-- I can't believe an actual human went through this kind of struggle!

Donkey
03-21-2010, 06:03 PM
Your memoir was so breathtaking-- I can't believe an actual human went through this kind of struggle!

We have a strict policy against publishing work produced by extraterrestrials, especially when we have trouble breathing after reading it.


You managed the unthinkable...a novel about a tax accountant and his faithful Shih Tzu...that didn't put us to sleep.

RainbowDragon
03-22-2010, 01:09 AM
Unfortunately it reminded me that I forgot to pay taxes on my last 8-figure contract, and the interest and penalties are nothing to sneeze at. No one likes a harbinger.

I deeply admire that you took twenty years to write this novel.

OctoberLee
03-22-2010, 01:33 AM
And I deeply regret that it is utterly unpublishable.

This is the sort of writing I would expect from a New York Times best-selling author rather than a first timer like yourself.

RainbowDragon
03-22-2010, 07:51 AM
You know, the kind of book readers throw across the room and scream, "They'll publish anything with his/her name on it, and they won't even read my manuscript!?"

Your epic love story about a literary agent struggling to make a difference in a heartless industry left me moved to tears.

Donkey
03-22-2010, 08:47 AM
Your epic love story about a literary agent struggling to make a difference in a heartless industry left me moved to tears.


I brought it home to read and ended up using it for a cutting board at dinner. Unfortunately, that's all it's good for, and I can't say I'd recommend it to anyone else for that, as the cheap ink from your home printer bled onto my chopped onions.


I could hardly believe my luck, being presented with another serial killer novel which is based on a true story. The industry is ripe for more gritty realism.

OctoberLee
03-23-2010, 01:36 AM
But the real mystery of this crime novel is why it turned into a serial killer/prostitute romance circa page 100. Very confusing.

I will fight tooth and nail with any other agents offering representation for this manuscript.

Chris P
03-23-2010, 01:42 AM
But when I sober up I'll apologize like always.

Your protagonist brings to mind many delightful classic characters.

Donkey
03-23-2010, 02:46 AM
Your protagonist brings to mind many delightful classic characters.

However, a novel pitting Snow White and Cinderella against Hannibal Lecter in a race for world domination...well, there's only one thing to say about that.
Say no to drugs.



Your descriptive prose is unrivaled in modern literature, in my humble opinion.

Alanna B.
03-23-2010, 03:21 AM
Unfortunately for you I don't write that genre, and the ending was a little preacy for my taste anyway.

The rhyme flowed well and did not feel forced.

Chris P
03-23-2010, 05:19 AM
But of course I don't understand Italian. It was fun to try to read aloud, though, especially after midnight when we were all a bit loopy. Oh, and disregard the email from Ralph. We're not sure what came over him.

Your innovative scene descriptions are refreshing in this world of stock-photo mediocrity.

RainbowDragon
03-23-2010, 05:58 AM
But 45,000 words is a bit much to devote to a lush field of turnips. See, I just covered it in five.

Your supporting characters practically jump out of the pages!

Chris P
03-23-2010, 06:01 AM
To get away from your MC. I mean, really, could this guy BE any more tedious?

Your book is perfect for a rainy day.

OctoberLee
03-23-2010, 06:05 AM
I could open it up and cover my head with it to keep my hair from getting wet on the way out of the office. After all, I have clients to impress.


I read your manuscript and my first thought was: Michael Chrichton.

Chris P
03-23-2010, 06:09 AM
I'd really rather be reading Michael Chrichton instead of this rubbish. And that says something.


I believe we could be looking at a new golden age of the modern novel.

PoppysInARow
03-23-2010, 06:15 AM
I believe we could be looking at a new golden age of the modern novel.

Which is why your re-hashed space trash just isn't going to cut it.


The prose in your query took my breath away, and your novel didn't disappoint either.

OctoberLee
03-23-2010, 06:22 AM
(you beated me! :))




The prose in your query took my breath away, and your novel didn't disappoint either.

I practically suffocated laughing. They almost had to put me on oxygen. But this MS was a joke, right? You can't be serious.


I took your novel on vacation with me, and it was such a page-turner that I read it instead of the new Jodi Picoult novel I brought with.

Chris P
03-23-2010, 06:23 AM
The prose in your query took my breath away, and your novel didn't disappoint either.

I've been looking for exactly these good examples of bad examples of horrid writing and clumsy querying for my blog.




I apologize if I got ahead of myself, but I showed this to my friend who is an editor at a certain large publishing house, and he is extremely interested!

Have you heard of something called Publish America?



The influence of John Updike, Tom Wolfe and John Irving shines through.

OctoberLee
03-23-2010, 06:29 AM
I appreciate your professionalism.


It reassures me to know that you aren't going to come after my family after you read the 3 attached pages of everything that is wrong with this manuscript.



My favorite childhood book was "Matilda", and you've evoked the feeling it gave me perfectly.

Brukaviador
03-23-2010, 09:25 AM
My favorite childhood book was "Matilda", and you've evoked the feeling it gave me perfectly.

Though that's not the response I was expecting to have to your horror novel.


I've never empathized with a protagonist in any book more than yours.

Donkey
03-23-2010, 07:31 PM
I've never empathized with a protagonist in any book more than yours.

I'm also very impressed with the thoroughness of your research. However, there isn't much of a market for a book based on my life story. Nice try, though.


Your poetic prose captured my imagination.

RainbowDragon
03-23-2010, 09:27 PM
Can I please have it back?

I really enjoyed the romance sub-plot.

OctoberLee
03-24-2010, 06:56 AM
But I'm just not sure it fits into a book called "Killer Robots II: Gorefest"


I was impressed by your manuscript, and gave it to my husband for a second opinion. He said you're the next John Grisham, and I'd be a fool not to sign you ASAP.

PoppysInARow
03-24-2010, 07:49 AM
I was impressed by your manuscript, and gave it to my husband for a second opinion. He said you're the next John Grisham, and I'd be a fool not to sign you ASAP.

But there's a reason my husband isn't a literary agent, and just for the record, I hate John Grisham.

I've never seen a more compelling and tearful ending.

Donkey
03-24-2010, 09:09 AM
I've never seen a more compelling and tearful ending.


A book about gerbils rescued from abusive Hollywood stars might have a market, but we try to avoid those circles. Thanks for thinking of us, but please, please try not to in the future.


Books about a writer's story coming alive and terrorizing him are nothing new, but your novel gave me the creeping willies unlike any I've read since Stephen King's "Bag of Bones".

RainbowDragon
03-24-2010, 09:21 AM
I couldn't sleep for a week, I missed a Seriously Important Meeting with a bread-and-butter client (not you), and well--long and embittered story short, I am no longer working as a literary agent.

This book would make for a blockbuster movie!

PoppysInARow
03-24-2010, 06:55 PM
This book would make for a blockbuster movie!

Try a movie producer with this script next time, mmkay?

I can't imagine my list without your book.

Donkey
03-24-2010, 07:54 PM
I can't imagine my list without your book.

But I have no imagination, and that's why I do this crap instead of writing. I also tried to imagine this book as part of anyone else's list.......and failed miserably. So sorry.


Life in the fast lane has never been more enticing than after having read your story.

OctoberLee
03-25-2010, 12:56 AM
I just realized how truly superior my clients are to the average muck that comes through the door, and am going to start putting in twelves until I've sold them all. Fast lane, here I come!

I am floored by your imagination. I can't begin to understand how you ever could have come up with a story this creative.

Alanna B.
03-25-2010, 04:39 AM
I was also floored by the four margaritas I drank last night while reading what now seems to be the most outlandish rediculous manuscript I've ever laid eyes on.

The story was believable and lent itself well to illustrations.

OctoberLee
03-25-2010, 07:08 AM
Enclosed is my own illustration: a bonfire, and myself throwing your manuscript into it. (Might want to hang onto it - my picture books are going to be famous someday!)





Here you've created a love triangle as classic and intense as the one between Arthur, Lancelot and Guinevere.

xcomplex
03-26-2010, 03:44 AM
Too bad I don't accept gay fiction

Here you have written a manuscript that has extremely amusing prose and quality

Alanna B.
03-26-2010, 04:08 AM
But who needs either of those qualities in a manuscript? No one in this office!

The story was riveting, I couldn't put it down.

RainbowDragon
03-26-2010, 04:53 AM
Sadly, your self-adhesive pagesŪ caused severe blistering on my hands, and you'll soon be hearing from my attorney.

Your book is the next Twilight!

Alanna B.
03-26-2010, 04:59 AM
That is probably what you want to here, but sorry, not even close.

This is great! I hear killer vegetables are the new rage!

Donkey
03-26-2010, 06:00 AM
This is great! I hear killer vegetables are the new rage!


In grocery counter tabloids. Thanks, but no thanks.


Wow! I'm speechless! Bravo.

Alanna B.
03-26-2010, 05:05 PM
Thanks to a great doctor my laryngitis is gone. Now that I can speak again, I'll say no.

I enjoyed the playful banter between the MC and her sisters.

Treyfan
03-27-2010, 02:27 AM
Thanks to a great doctor my laryngitis is gone. Now that I can speak again, I'll say no.

I enjoyed the playful banter between the MC and her sisters.

(Total lulz, "now that I can speak again, I'll say no" I laughed for a good 30 sec, lol!)

I enjoyed the playful banter between the MC and her sisters...but there was far too much of it and not enough narration or plot to carry the story through. Thanks...but we'll pass on this.

I've never read a story more profound and poignant! I laughed...I cried. From start to finish, it was an absolute joy to read!

Alanna B.
03-27-2010, 02:49 AM
Then my wife read it and she thought it was terrible. Sorry, I listen to everything she says.

I loved that the story was set in the Old West, just wonderful.

RainbowDragon
03-27-2010, 04:27 AM
The names, however, need to be more historically accurate. Mikachu and Pro Mabba Mabba might strike a chord with today's youth, but they are unlikely names for the genre. Do your research and resubmit elsewhere.

I've got three words for you: O. M. G.!

Renee Collins
03-27-2010, 06:42 AM
I've got three words for you: O. M. G.!

Open. My. Garbage-can. Because that's where I tossed your story.

Fantastic! You definitely have what it takes.

(P.S. I love this thread. :D)

RainbowDragon
03-27-2010, 07:13 AM
NOT!

I know a guy who will eat this up for at least a $10,000 advance.

Treyfan
03-27-2010, 10:33 AM
NOT!

I know a guy who will eat this up for at least a $10,000 advance.

...Unfortunately, he's also addicted to heroine and cocaine. But if you're still interested, I can call him up and we can get you started in the "business" with us.

You are so talented for someone your age! I was thoroughly impressed with your work!

Donkey
03-27-2010, 11:39 AM
You are so talented for someone your age! I was thoroughly impressed with your work!

However, we aren't interested in signing authors for one-book deals. At 93 years old, we figure you don't have enough time left to write a sequel.


A 120,000 word novel about a world-killing plague of voracious ladybugs. Somehow you made it believable.

Alanna B.
03-29-2010, 05:18 AM
To my neighbor who prematurely checked himself out of the insane asylum in the next town over. All it did for me was remind me to charge my bug vaccum for black fly season.

I didn't think it was possible to make my teenage girl smile; especially with a book, well done!

Donkey
03-29-2010, 09:38 AM
I didn't think it was possible to make my teenage girl smile; especially with a book, well done!


Unfortunately, we aren't able to publish pop-up books with unauthorized photos of the Jonas Brothers in their hot tub.


Your wisecracking, mystery solving, soccer mom with cougar tendencies was very entertaining to read about. This book has it all.

OctoberLee
03-29-2010, 08:53 PM
But you ever hear the saying "fifteen will get you twenty"? You need to rethink making her daughters best friend as the love interest.

Your story of timeless romance rekindled my marriage!

Treyfan
03-31-2010, 04:37 AM
Unfortunately, we aren't able to publish pop-up books with unauthorized photos of the Jonas Brothers in their hot tub. .

(AHAHAHAHAHA! The Jonas Brothers hot tub...too funny!)

*ahem*

Your story of timeless romance rekindled my marriage!

...if only for a second. My wife still came after me with a golf club, forced my car into a fire hydrant, then ruined my reputation so I lost all my big-time sponsors and million-dollar contracts. I only slept with 13 women, gawd. It's a SEX ADDICTION, Elin! Not my fault!

I am not a sentimental person, in fact, I eat babies and kick puppies on a regular basis...but your heartwarming story has made me believe in the power of miracles again. Bless you for submitting!

Donkey
03-31-2010, 10:13 AM
I am not a sentimental person, in fact, I eat babies and kick puppies on a regular basis...but your heartwarming story has made me believe in the power of miracles again. Bless you for submitting!

You made me see the light! I'm trading in my agent's hat, baby eating fork and steel toed boots for a nun's habit. Now every day is Sunday, my child. Go forth and seek an atheist agent.



Non-stop action sequences sent me on a roller coaster ride I'll never forget.

Silent Rob
03-31-2010, 12:55 PM
Non-stop action sequences sent me on a roller coaster ride I'll never forget.

I couldn't stop vomiting for days. Never contact me again.




You have managed to breathe new life into a tired old format.

GreenRoom
04-01-2010, 02:40 AM
You have managed to breathe new life into a tired old format.

Unfortunately, the format's the only good thing about this story.



It's been a long time since I've read a story as engrossing as yours. I didn't want it to end.

Alanna B.
04-01-2010, 06:40 AM
Until I was finished going to the bathroom ( helps to have reading material in there and the shampoo bottle was out of reach). OH, and it made great toilet paper, no need to send another copy.

This would be a perfect fit for the new teen issue of Highlights magazine.

Chris P
04-01-2010, 06:44 AM
To demonstrate common mistakes made by hack writers.

I was instantly taken into the story and insisted on finishing the entire novel in one sitting.

Donkey
04-01-2010, 05:44 PM
I was instantly taken into the story and insisted on finishing the entire novel in one sitting.


But that was because you had a gun. Your manuscript is now state's evidence in the kidnapping trial. Thank you for making this my easiest rejection letter yet.



I love reading stories that end with a thief and his love interest retiring on a tropical island after one last big job.

Renee Collins
04-01-2010, 11:06 PM
I love reading stories that end with a thief and his love interest retiring on a tropical island after one last big job.

In fact, I just picked one up to read on my much needed vacation. Having to slog through slush filled with crap like yours has really worn me down.


This is exactly what editors have been begging me for!

RainbowDragon
04-02-2010, 12:30 AM
They needed examples of the worst submissions to blog about and well, yours is the Holy Grail of amateurism. Thanks so much and may I recommend sitting in on a first grade grammar class near you.

Your characters' dialogue is amazingly crisp.

Donkey
04-02-2010, 01:10 AM
Your characters' dialogue is amazingly crisp.

But there are already too many stories on the market with talking
vegetables. So sorry.


The prison scenes were so convincing, I could almost believe you were there for many years.

Alanna B.
04-04-2010, 04:57 AM
After all, isn't submitting horrible manuscripts considered a felony these days?

I was immediately reeled in by your story about catfish.

GreenRoom
04-04-2010, 05:06 AM
After all, isn't submitting horrible manuscripts considered a felony these days?

I was immediately reeled in by your story about catfish.

I'm partial to catfish, having three swimming about in my aquarium at the moment. Sadly, they are far more entertaining than your story.

Your story has the best hook I've ever seen, and the pacing is amazing. I could not put it down.

Donkey
04-04-2010, 06:25 AM
Your story has the best hook I've ever seen, and the pacing is amazing. I could not put it down.

The fact is, I couldn't find a thing wrong with it. The only conclusion I can come to is that I suck at this job. I'm outta here. Send me a copy after you get it published so I can show it to people when I explain why I changed careers. Thanks!


Lovely prose, exquisite details, moving story. I can't wait to find just the right cover art for it.

OctoberLee
04-05-2010, 05:06 AM
And then I realized that it already has cover art: a picture of hands and an apple. Ripping the book jacket off of "Twilight" and submitting it with the name "Sunset" on the title page does not constitute a manuscript.




Your re-telling of Beauty and the Beast set in modern day Japan is exquisitely crafted.

RainbowDragon
04-05-2010, 06:13 AM
おそらく日本の代理店とそれを置くことみてください。

Your use of words is nothing short of transcendant!

Renee Collins
04-07-2010, 11:08 PM
Your use of words is nothing short of transcendant!

Unfortunately, I'm not that experimental. I just can't think of an editor that will be interested in dictionary pages folded into an elaborate diorama of a vampire castle.



This novel will change the way people think about the world!

Silent Rob
04-09-2010, 04:41 PM
This novel will change the way people think about the world!

They'll wish they were on another one. I've never seen anything so awful.



The manuscript you submitted took me right back to my childhood days.

RainbowDragon
04-09-2010, 10:15 PM
I hated my childhood days.

Once in a lifetime an agent sees a book like yours appear on the old desktop.

OctoberLee
04-11-2010, 03:19 AM
I only wish I hadn't retired last week. I'm just cleaning out the office, finalizing my affairs as an agent before I retire to my mansion in the Bahamas, but best of luck!



This novel will take the literary world by storm!

GreenRoom
04-11-2010, 03:39 AM
I only wish I hadn't retired last week. I'm just cleaning out the office, finalizing my affairs as an agent before I retire to my mansion in the Bahamas, but best of luck!



This novel will take the literary world by storm!

A storm of lawsuits. Renaming the town Spoons isn't enough to hide the fact that every other word in this novel is lifted directly from Twilight.

I've heard the phrase 'diamond in the rough', but having found your book in the slushpile, I have a new understanding of it. For your book is a pure polished diamond amidst the mountain of slush.

RainbowDragon
04-13-2010, 06:46 AM
I have enclosed PA's standard contract. Please return a signed copy within three days along with money order or cashier's check for your first monthly Box o' Your Books for local distribution (see the fine print under "marketing suggestions".)

You are a master of human nature and subtle moral ambiguity.

Chris P
04-13-2010, 06:50 AM
So subtle and so ambiguous, in fact, that I had not one single clue what you were talking about. Sorry, you lost me on page 2 and never got me back.

I'm moving your manuscript to the front of the line! I'm that taken with it.

Drachen Jager
04-13-2010, 08:52 AM
I'm sorry, the agent who loved your book won the lottery last week. She quit and left me in a lurch. Honestly I'm pretty pissed at her. If she loved it I'm guaranteed to hate it. Publishing is a matter of taste, however, and another agent may feel differently. We encourage you to keep looking for an enthusiastic editor or agent.

This is the one! You have truly written the next Great American Novel!

Donkey
04-13-2010, 09:23 AM
I'm moving your manuscript to the front of the line! I'm that taken with it.


We toss so much 'Great American' fiction in this building, there's a line to the recycle bin. I bumped thirteen junior editors out of my way to give your submission the ending it richly deserves. Thirteen JEs. Is that bad luck?



Fabulous effort. I can't wait to read more from you.

RainbowDragon
04-13-2010, 11:50 AM
Please send material anytime. My goat only eats Lexmark No. 3 black and so I'm guessing that's what you use. Remember: generics and refills are straight from the devil.

I'm recommending your MS to my jr. agent, who loves historical sci-fi paranormal romance.

Silent Rob
04-13-2010, 03:23 PM
I'm recommending your MS to my jr. agent, who loves historical sci-fi paranormal romance.

It will give him something to read after I fire his ass.



Congratulations! Your manuscript really made me think of the future.

Drachen Jager
04-13-2010, 08:05 PM
My future as an agent. Which would be in serious jeopardy if I brought your manuscript to any reputable publishers.

I think with a little work you could have a best seller on your hands!

RainbowDragon
04-14-2010, 03:20 AM
Step one: go buy a copy of Harry Potter.
Step two: balance it on your hands.

Your how-to book on saving money will appeal to many people who are hurting financially in this economy.

Donkey
04-14-2010, 04:54 AM
Your how-to book on saving money will appeal to many people who are hurting financially in this economy.

Except none of them can afford your book. Try and write something wealthy people will buy.


You have some great ideas on solving the education crisis, global warming, crime in the inner city, and the war on drugs. Amazing you were able to squeeze all this into one book.

Drachen Jager
04-14-2010, 05:22 AM
Unfortunately it is impractical to wipe out 99.9% of the people on earth just to fulfil your bizarre theories. And of course if anyone DID there would be nobody left to buy your book.

Your book on cold fusion and room temperature superconductors is sure to be a hit with scientists!

Nya RAyne
04-15-2010, 06:16 AM
Unfortunately, because the year is 2010 and the world is going GREEN, I have to request you seek representation elsewhere. Best of luck to you!!

I found your book on the mating of German Shephards reviting and a tear jerking page turner.

Silent Rob
04-15-2010, 01:14 PM
I found your book on the mating of German Shephards reviting and a tear jerking page turner.

This was exactly the reason I was imprisoned and am no longer working as a literary agent.





Thank you for sending your manuscript. I only intended to read the first page but found I couldn't put it down.

MikeGrant
04-15-2010, 08:54 PM
Thank you for sending your manuscript. I only intended to read the first page but found I couldn't put it down.

I advise that next time you send out your work, you go easy on the glue.

Yours is the most unique voice I have ever come across in all my years as an agent.

Drachen Jager
04-16-2010, 01:23 AM
Unfortunately there is no market for books written entirely in puppy feces about the mating habits of one armed albino necrophiliacs. I contacted a few publishers just in case but they thought it might make too much of a mess in their presses.

Your manuscript was the best I've seen during my entire career as an agent!

OctoberLee
04-16-2010, 05:32 AM
Your manuscript was the best I've seen during my entire career as an agent!

Oops I just realized I switched the cover page from your manuscript with one of my clients'. Dang I know how to pick 'em! Anywho, good luck in your search, etc.


Your book made me believe in magic again!

Drachen Jager
04-16-2010, 06:06 AM
I hope you believe in magic too because that's what it's going to take to get this turkey published!

Your work makes Dickens, Shakespeare and Poe pale in comparison.

RainbowDragon
04-20-2010, 05:54 AM
I'm afraid the black paper with silver glittery calligraphy (atrociously rendered) made for an easy page one pass.

I haven't found a story so engaging since my last visit to a used car dealership.

Drachen Jager
04-20-2010, 08:46 PM
You remember right? The day you sold me that Lexus which had only been driven by an old lady to and from church once a week? The Lexus that cost $5,000 in repairs after I had it for only one week and is STILL not running quite right! The Lexus that I had to spend another $1,000 removing a NoS system from because it was an illegal street racing machine! Well anyhow, your manuscript was brilliant. I burned it and this e-mail has an attachment that will wipe your hard drive in 5, 4, 3, 2....................................


I have to say you've captured the essence of childhood in a way I never thought possible.

Renee Collins
04-20-2010, 09:53 PM
I have to say you've captured the essence of childhood in a way I never thought possible.

Your mommy and daddy must be very proud! Wait . . . you're not five years old? Oh man. In that case, all I have to say is seriously?



Get your phone ready! I'm calling you ASAP!

joeyc
04-21-2010, 07:34 AM
But that's because I'm VERY interested in that craigslist ad of yours. 3D TV you say?


This book is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

RainbowDragon
04-21-2010, 07:37 AM
[Edited since the first response was a simul-post (and I didn't want to waste all that thought I put into it :) )]


Get your phone ready! I'm calling you ASAP!

ASAP, your work needs major revision. There's an app for passive voice analysis on some cell phones. If you can find it, good luck with that.


This book is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Next time enclose some jelly instead of a SASE.

Your imagery is so lush and vivid.

Drachen Jager
04-23-2010, 03:45 AM
In fact it was such a lush and vivid depiction of life in Peru that I just had to pack my bags and move there. I've given up my career as an agent to buy an alpaca ranch. No doubt my replacement will give you a call once they are settled in.

I literally couldn't stop turning pages, I had to stay up all night to finish your book!

OctoberLee
04-23-2010, 06:26 AM
I literally couldn't stop turning pages, I had to stay up all night to finish your book!


Of course, you know this already, what with being behind me with a rifle when I was reading it. Just be thankful for your wonderful god-given complexion that makes you look good in orange.


I usually only sign two authors a year - and I think I've just found my second!

Drachen Jager
04-23-2010, 09:09 AM
He's really fantastic! I love his work. Anyhow... On to your manuscript. It's not very good so I'm going to pass.

What an emotional roller coaster you've written!

Silent Rob
04-27-2010, 04:14 PM
What an emotional roller coaster you've written!

Just when I thought I'd hit the very depths of despair, you made me uncover even lower lows.




I read your manuscript with a smile on my face the whole way through.

Renee Collins
04-28-2010, 01:31 AM
I read your manuscript with a smile on my face the whole way through.

It's this botox, it's killing me. (Almost as much as your lousy novel.)



Your characters felt so real to me!

Cybernaught
04-28-2010, 02:17 AM
Your characters felt so real to me!

Unfortunately, I only deal with fiction, not biography. Read the guidelines next time, bud.

That was the best opening paragraph I've ever read.

Drachen Jager
04-28-2010, 11:41 PM
Next time I suggest you plagiarize a less obvious source.

Your middle grade novel brought me back to a time in my life when I'd hide under the covers with a flashlight.

OctoberLee
04-29-2010, 05:14 AM
Your middle grade novel brought me back to a time in my life when I'd hide under the covers with a flashlight.

But my abusive alcoholic father died years ago, and I thought I'd never have to relive that again. Enclosed is the bill from my therapist.


This is like the book version of Hannah Montana, and it's going to take the pre-teen world by storm!

Drachen Jager
05-02-2010, 01:54 AM
Sorry, I jumped the gun there. According to my teenage daughter Hannah Montana is, "Like so five minutes ago. Get with the program mom."

Apparently the new thing is something called Lady Goo Goo or somesuch. Do you have something like that?



My eyes popped out of my sockets because I was so excited by your manuscript.

RainbowDragon
05-02-2010, 06:27 AM
You didn't send a Braille copy like I asked and I don't ask twice. Find yourself an agent who doesn't have two glass eyes if you can't follow instructions.

Your fallen angel story is the most heartwarming since that old John Travolta movie.

Drachen Jager
05-03-2010, 11:35 PM
Unfortunately for you I have an interest in German cinema so I know that both your manuscript and the movie I mentioned were actually rip offs of, "Wings of Desire". Since I don't feel like being sued I will not be representing you.

Wow. I don't know what to say. Crossovers are incredibly tricky but your meeting of two public domain literary figures was just amazing!

RainbowDragon
05-04-2010, 06:30 AM
The meeting between Ebenezer Scrooge and Santa Claus, however, would have been much more authentic had you not thrown the Grinch into the mix. The rights are worth his weight in green, and most assuredly do NOT reside in the public domain.

I know just the editor who's looking for your manuscript.

OctoberLee
05-07-2010, 01:02 AM
I know just the editor who's looking for your manuscript.


I've arranged a seance for you to talk to him. He's dead; this plot was used up forty years ago.



Your non-fiction proposal has made calculus interesting for the first time!

Alanna B.
05-08-2010, 04:04 PM
Whoops! I've just found one on Amazon that makes calculus even more interesting.

Who knew that a toothpick had so many uses! Riveting subject matter!

Drachen Jager
05-14-2010, 01:01 AM
I'm sorry, a bunch of toothpicks fell onto the keyboard making the letters come out wrong. I meant to say, "Revolting subject matter!" THE MANY USES OF TOOTHPICKS FOR BOTH FOREPLAY AND SEX, is, to put it mildly, a non starter. In particular I'm not sure #16 is anatomically possible and I'm certain #73 is completely unsanitary.

Your boudoir advice book will be the 21st century's, "The Joy of Sex".

OctoberLee
06-01-2010, 12:49 AM
Oops, wait, I was totally just reading "The Joy of Sex" and not your manuscript. Sorry about that, was out partying to late last night. But uh this robot love thing you've got going on is weird, try again.


With the recent popularity of romance novels involving rich Italian love interests, I think your novel "The Italian Stallion Billionaire's Accidental Baby" is a sure fit for the current market!

Renee Collins
06-03-2010, 03:01 AM
With the recent popularity of romance novels involving rich Italian love interests, I think your novel "The Italian Stallion Billionaire's Accidental Baby" is a sure fit for the current market!

I'm excited to work with you, Snooki! (This is Jersy Shore's Snooki, right?)


Your work is poignant and bittersweet.

OctoberLee
06-07-2010, 05:14 AM
But grapefruits are poignant and bittersweet, and nobody wants to agent those either.


Your self help book has changed my view of the world.

Drachen Jager
06-11-2010, 02:17 AM
... Not for the better. Goodbye cruel wooooooooorld!.................................... ......................................... }>>SPLAT<<{

I couldn't help myself, I had to stay up all night to finish your novel!

RainbowDragon
06-11-2010, 07:50 AM
Thanks to you I overslept for my wedding, my betrothed ran off and, since my parents would have killed me if they lost all the deposits, I married the photographer.

Your parents will be so proud of you once you tell them what I'm about to tell you. . .

Drachen Jager
06-11-2010, 10:16 PM
I'm pregnant!
But I still can't see how you expect me to sell your book. Don't worry I won't come after you for child support, I make a hefty six figure income and I know you're destined to be a struggling author forever.

Your book made me laugh and cry in all the right places!

OctoberLee
06-13-2010, 09:13 PM
Unless that death scene wasn't supposed to be funny... and the sex scene wasn't supposed to be depressing?


I was amazed at the amount of research that went into your medieval romance.

Drachen Jager
06-16-2010, 06:37 AM
However your plan to cross market a new line of codpieces and merkins around your book is just loopy.

Your new book about the history of merkins is truly a masterwork!

Drachen Jager
06-26-2010, 01:02 AM
Okay did I just kill the thread? A merkin is a pubic wig, worn by women to disguise the fact that they'd been shaven to rid themselves of an infestation. Does that help?

RainbowDragon
06-26-2010, 06:56 AM
Like with jokes, if you have to explain the merkin, the book's not workin'.

Genius! Who would have thought Merlin had a merkin collection?

tirial
06-26-2010, 06:30 PM
I'll give it a shot...


Your new book about the history of merkins is truly a masterwork!Unfortunately we solely represent children's fiction, and this is neither fictional nor suitable for to 0-8 audience. We must also request that you refrain from including merchandise with your manuscript. You will be hearing from my intern's attorney about infliction of emotional distress.

Your book kept me hooked - great characters, and what an original plot!

folkchick
06-26-2010, 07:56 PM
Your book kept me hooked - great characters, and what an original plot!

However, I hate the human race and don't want to read about "stuff" they do.

Drachen Jager
06-27-2010, 03:23 AM
Pssst. Folkchick, you're supposed to provide a prompt for the next person.

You really bring out the colour of 18th century London!

Silent Rob
07-02-2010, 12:57 PM
You really bring out the colour of 18th century London!

Unfortunately, you also bring out the smell of the cesspits and now I feel nauseous.


I've never seen a manuscript this vivid before.

tirial
07-02-2010, 03:04 PM
I've never seen a manuscript this vivid before.I must say, receiving a manuscript written in flourescent green highlighter on dayglo orange paper certainly brightened my day. Unfortunately it is also unreadable, and regretfully we must pass.

In all my years in the business I have never seen anything that stands out like this!

Drachen Jager
07-02-2010, 08:09 PM
In all my years in the business I have never seen anything that stands out like this!

However, your, "magnum opus", as you call it, "The Big Pop-Up Book of Phalluses", is... How shall I put this... A little too flaccid to stand up in today's hard markets.

The ending of your new thriller completely blew my mind!

kayleamay
07-02-2010, 10:30 PM
However, I feel that ending a children's story with a bloody masacre might be a hard sell in today's market.

You have a terrific voice for this genre. I was invested in the characters by the second page.

RainbowDragon
07-03-2010, 06:34 AM
By the third page, I was over it.

Your picture book illustrations are the most thought-provoking since Dr. Seuss'!

kayleamay
07-03-2010, 08:14 AM
I sat for hours wondering if you were a five-year-old or just an adult who lacked artistic ability. Regardless, I'll have to pass.

The central conflict in your novel has wide appeal because nearly everyone can relate.

Drachen Jager
07-04-2010, 07:44 AM
However I'm afraid I simply can't sell, "The Epic Bowel Movement", to publishers, I pass!

I found it incredibly clever how you managed to keep your entire thousand page manuscript confined in location to a single room while maintaining a thriller-tense atmosphere throughout.

kayleamay
07-07-2010, 10:26 PM
Unfortunately, there is not a market for thousand page works about one man in a room singing Michael Jackson songs. Get help.

It's refreshing to see something so original come across my desk!

Drachen Jager
07-08-2010, 03:47 AM
Please put it back in your pants, clean up this mess and get out! [sorry I couldn't help it! The devil made me do it.]

Your new book is sure to be a huge hit among, "Twilight", fans!

tirial
07-09-2010, 05:05 PM
Fans in their "Twilight" years, that is. Exclusively targeting the over-100 demographic is a bold move, but one we see as limiting your market.

Everyone in the office loved this book!

kayleamay
07-09-2010, 05:52 PM
It's completely wrong for our list, but so very right for supporting the wobbly table. We'll have to pass, but thank you for steadying our coffee cups!

I have never read anything so poignant, so disturbing and so utterly realistic.

Renee Collins
07-12-2010, 08:56 PM
I have never read anything so poignant, so disturbing and so utterly realistic.

Your "farewell to writing" letter is brilliantly written. And having read your actual fiction, I can definitely see you're making the right choice. Good luck with your new venture of basket weaving!


Your characters are unforgettable!

Drachen Jager
07-12-2010, 09:21 PM
Believe me! I've tried anything I can think of to forget everything about your book! My secretary stopped me from pouring bleach in my ear but I think I'll send her out for coffee in a bit and try that again. I feel so dirty. So incredibly dirty.

I'm sure your book will keep the easy-reader crowd enthralled with it's clever word play and onomatopoeia.

shinta
07-13-2010, 02:42 AM
Yeah, if the target audience is a neonate. Using pissing sounds in eight different languages might be a great tool to relieve bladder retention, obstipation, obtundation and heliotosis as you say they are but, hey, I am not employed by the CDC, am I?

I wish all my clients wrote exemplary book like yours that will practically sell itself.

Drachen Jager
07-14-2010, 09:39 PM
... to every left handed Yak herder in the Andes. It really is an incredibly insightful guide! Unfortunately I think your target market is on the small side.

Your novel made me cry and laugh in all the right places!

tirial
07-15-2010, 01:21 PM
Your novel made me cry and laugh in all the right places!Unfortunately for all the wrong reasons.

On the strength of this work, I'd have no hesitation about representing you.

Drachen Jager
07-15-2010, 07:58 PM
On the strength of this work, I'd have no hesitation about representing you.

That's of course if it were actually YOUR work. "Larry Peters and the Psychiatrist's Rock", seems awfully similar to another book I read. Quite a famous book really.

I was so enthralled I read the entire manuscript in one sitting!

kayleamay
07-15-2010, 11:13 PM
I've never before seen a memoir written with less than ten words. Kudos for that, but I couldn't sell this as toilet paper at a laxative convention.

This is the most original work that has crossed my desk in years.

Drachen Jager
07-15-2010, 11:21 PM
However, "Luigi's Big Book of Pasta", might need to be re-written in a different medium. I'm not sure, as it stands, if any publisher is capable of producing a book made entirely out of different types of noodles. I am quite certain however that your suggestion about readers cooking and eating your book after they've read it is going to be a turn-off.

The photographs and prose in your travel memoir are completely stunning!

kayleamay
07-16-2010, 03:20 AM
Have you ever consdidered leaving Stockton?


When I finished reading your manuscript, I knew it was something that had to be shared with the rest of the world.

Drachen Jager
07-16-2010, 10:28 PM
So I shredded it and burned it. Now I'm going to infuse it into normal tap-water and sell it under the name, "Eau de Failure". I'll make a mint!

The ending of your manuscript was a real nail-biter!

RainbowDragon
07-17-2010, 07:33 AM
I learned the hard way that galvinized steel is much stronger than tooth enamel. Three words: dental bill enclosed.

In my 18 years as an agent I have never seen your manuscript's equal.

tirial
07-17-2010, 10:34 AM
I mean that in all sincerity, sir, and I've read Atlanta Nights.

Agents see books of this calibre once in a lifetime.

Steam&Ink
07-17-2010, 11:45 AM
Agents see books of this calibre once in a lifetime.

...Thank goodness I invested in a bullet-proof vest.
(sorry for the dreadful pun!)


Your literary prowess knows no bounds...

Drachen Jager
07-17-2010, 09:36 PM
Please find some boundaries before you submit again. The expression, "Swallowed a Thesaurus", doesn't even come close to describing your prose. I've been involved in literary circles for twenty years and I had to stop to look up every second word in the dictionary (and I don't mean the pocket dictionary, it only had about half the words you use in it!). On the bright side I did find out what, "snarge", means.

Truly a work of art, you are the da Vinci of modern writing!

Steam&Ink
07-18-2010, 04:00 AM
Truly a work of art, you are the da Vinci of modern writing!

...and, like's da Vinci's helicopter, your work will never take off.


I was delighted when I received your manuscript...

Drachen Jager
07-18-2010, 08:14 AM
I had just run out of firewood to last me through the night and your 5000 page epic was just the ticket!

I would not value your manuscript more highly if it were made of pure gold!

RainbowDragon
07-19-2010, 12:44 AM
The gold market crashed last week. Still pretty, but worthless.

I love the way you make use of the double meanings of words.

Drachen Jager
07-19-2010, 08:15 AM
Thank you for the opportunity to view your manuscript Mr. Dicks. But I'm afraid I already have two Dicks and if I took on another it might get confusing for the editors.

Truly you are a masterful storyteller! I wish I had kids so I could read your wonderful tales to them.

Miss Plum
07-19-2010, 09:28 AM
But unfortunately, my childless status is all too common among agents -- my own twins would have been four years old if I hadn't strangled them.

Your writing will surely find a home somewhere.

Searching
07-19-2010, 05:27 PM
And by that I mean, of course, there is almost certainly someone out there dumb enough to risk their investments and publishing status in sheltering your illiterate freak of creation. All the best in your search.




Your ability to summon over a hundred deeply explored characters and craft a plot which brings them all together into an epic nine hundred thousand word narrative would make even Tolstoy green with envy.

Drachen Jager
07-19-2010, 10:29 PM
In fact, if you were a contemporary of Tolstoy's I'm sure your brilliant work would make you one of the most renowned names in literature today. As it is, your style, voice, characters and manuscript length are absolutely unsuitable for the markets of today. If they invent a time machine one day I'd be happy to represent you. Otherwise, don't call me, I'll call you.

Your book was such an emotional roller-coaster. I felt utterly drained by the end.

kayleamay
07-19-2010, 10:39 PM
I didn't expect the LSD and razor blade inserts. You'll be hearing from my lawyer.


I was so engulfed in your novel that I couldn't sleep last night.

Chris P
07-19-2010, 10:49 PM
The poor standards to which your writing descend kept me up all night applying for other jobs on Monster. I've had enough. I can't do this any more.



You book is perfect for those snowy days with nothing to do but snuggle on the couch with a cup of coffee and light jazz on the stereo.

kayleamay
07-19-2010, 10:56 PM
Very flammable. It made that fire wood light right up!



It would be shameful to let the world miss out on a work of such staggering genius.

Drachen Jager
07-20-2010, 04:30 AM
Now why don't you have another few beers and stagger off to the next bar where you can share your genius. I wouldn't want to keep you from sharing it with the guy on the next stool there too!

It's amazing how you turned ordinary activities into epic struggles!

Searching
07-20-2010, 06:30 AM
Unfortunately, your so called 'plot' dragged on for so long that the biggest struggle was me finishing the thing.

Congratulations. I have nothing bad to say at all.

Drachen Jager
07-20-2010, 06:52 AM
Your voice was wonderful, I the characters were amazing and the story was truly brilliant. But it just didn't grab me, I'm sorry but I can't represent something if I don't really love it. Better luck elsewhere.

Yours was the most intense page turner I've read in my fifteen years in the business.

Chris P
07-20-2010, 07:10 AM
Enraged, I flipped to the end to see if anything actually happens or if you just go on for 300 pages describing what she sees in the mirror when she wakes up.


Your writing has weight and depth; it's truly an impressive piece.

Renee Collins
07-20-2010, 07:16 AM
I'm sending you a bill for the impression your 3,000 page bruiser left on my desk.


Your skill is undeniable!

Searching
07-20-2010, 08:38 AM
Undeniably bad. Seriously, man, what are you thinking?

Your self-help slash comedy book had me in tears of laughter. By the end, I had laughed so hard that my spleen was hurting. Hilarious.

Drachen Jager
07-20-2010, 11:56 PM
I'm sending you the bill from my spleen doctor. Please pay the $17,500 immediately.

Your manuscript introduced me to a world I was completely unaware of!

Silent Rob
07-29-2010, 06:04 PM
A world of pain and agony! My psychiatrist believes that the recovery will be long and arduous.



Your ability to empathise with your subject is really quite extraordinary.

Drachen Jager
07-29-2010, 11:37 PM
However, I don't think there's much interest out there for a story realistically narrated by a flatworm. 3500 pages of, "Hungry. Find food. Eat. Bright light, run away! Hungry. No food." is simply not palatable in today's competitive market.

Your autobiography is amazing! You're Mother Theresa, Michael Jordan and Barack Obama rolled into one!

shinta
07-30-2010, 12:14 AM
Except, think Mother Teresa trouncing the ball and Michael Jordon signing into law a new course of action with the Middle Eastern politics. What next? Obama’s escapade on the streets of Calcutta? Nope, not for me.

I cannot wait to show your irreverent manuscript to David Sedaris himself for a well deserved blurb.

Drachen Jager
07-30-2010, 12:49 AM
No, not that David Sedaris. David Sedaris the sewer worker, he's my brother in law. Oh, by the way I'll need that $1,500 cheque for marketing expenses up front, these kinds of endorsements don't come cheap!

Reading your book was better than sex!

AlishaS
08-08-2010, 10:34 PM
But then again, I don't really know for sure, I have nothing to compare it to. So for that reason, I cannot take you on as a client, I fear when I finally do find someone to de-flower me your book will no longer be needed as a masturbation substitue. And there really is no market for large paper weights.

I truly loved getting into your characters heads, how we know exactly what they are thinking and feeling...

PsychicToaster
08-08-2010, 10:49 PM
However, as an agency focused on commercial fiction, we cannot accept such controversial material.

You have a talent for creating characters with real life.

Miss Plum
08-08-2010, 11:41 PM
It is too bad you did not employ this talent but instead chose to create "characters" as thin as cardboard and as dull as ditch water. Sometimes we should be less modest and allow our gifts to shine -- for instance, when we engage in artistic endeavors.

You have a truly fascinating mind.

PsychicToaster
08-09-2010, 12:04 AM
. . . so I find it disheartening that your most recent novel was such a departure from the quality we have come to expect from you.

Your use of the pirates plot as a mirror for the protagonist's internal struggle was fantastic.

Loquacis
08-09-2010, 08:24 AM
...unfortunately, that was the only thing that was.

I am *this* close to picking up the phone and begging you to let me represent you...

branchwag
08-09-2010, 08:41 AM
but seeing that a pair of flying monkeys just came through my window and snatched my phone, I won't be getting back to you anytime soon.

I see that your manuscript is nicely organized and I would love to represent you...

shinta
08-09-2010, 09:07 AM
at the OCD convention for intractable cases.

Please do tell me where you learned to write such divine prose.

Miss Plum
08-09-2010, 10:24 AM
The god of irony has smiled upon you if you think this is worthy of publication.

If you add a main character, cut the word count from 200,000 to 100 (words, not thousands of words), and add a vampire, I'll be happy to look at your revision.

shinta
08-21-2010, 10:37 AM
This way I'll only have 100 words to gag over.


I'd bet all fifty million dollars I am worth that your manuscript will surely make both you and I phenomenally rich.

RainbowDragon
08-22-2010, 08:51 AM
But that would be a losing bet.

I love your partial - please send me a hard copy of the full, and overnight it if possible!

Little1
08-24-2010, 08:29 PM
So I can get your horible manuscript out of the way and can get to better MSs.

You captured your caracters voice well!

Miss Plum
08-24-2010, 08:37 PM
Your characters are voiceless zombies, aren't they? That was certainly my impression.

Your writing brought tears to my eyes.

shinta
08-24-2010, 09:11 PM
Tears of joy that I wasn't the author of this miserable muddle of penmanship.


Anything you write, I market and that is a promise.

Little1
08-24-2010, 10:07 PM
I market them as bird cage paper.

You have a lot of talent!

Nya RAyne
08-27-2010, 08:54 PM
Unfortunately that talent would be put to better use at your local zoo.

However, I did thoroughly enjoy the relationship between Amanda the ape, and Max the ant.

tirial
09-02-2010, 12:06 PM
Such a shame you wrapped it up in 500 words and then wasted the next 89,500 on those insipid excuses of main characters.

The spin-off rights to this book could make an agent very rich.

RainbowDragon
10-24-2010, 02:10 AM
Bookstores will plunk down some serious money to get your flimsy, zero-dimensional characters to spin off.

Your book is the next Harry Potter!

Sydneyd
10-24-2010, 02:26 AM
Your book is the next Harry Potter, it is so awful it is magical! Did an owl, rat, and toad write it?

The plot was so original, I would love to see more.

college boy
10-24-2010, 03:40 AM
I'll need three more to bury my entire family.

You have a unique voice.

Sydneyd
10-24-2010, 12:21 PM
You have a unique voice, it reminds me of fingernails rubbing against a glass that is made from the bones of my nagging mother in law.

Your book is like chocolate!

RainbowDragon
10-25-2010, 12:45 AM
No nutritional value whatsoever.

I loved the way your protagonist avoided all her problems.

Sweet Tea
10-25-2010, 03:25 AM
I loved the way your protagonist avoided all her problems - the same way you avoided displaying even a remote resemblance to plotting.

Your writing really pulls me in.

college boy
10-25-2010, 03:28 AM
Your writing really pulls me into a suicidal depression.

You have sympathetic characters.

Chris P
10-25-2010, 03:32 AM
Too bad we feel more sympathetic toward your villain than toward your hero.

The erotic scenes had me biting my knuckle the entire way through.

college boy
10-25-2010, 03:33 AM
The erotic scenes had me biting my knuckle the entire way through as if I were being raped with a poker.