Could someone possibly critique my query?

OneTeam OneDream · Aug 5, 2005

I'm running at about a 25% success rate (asking for partials or full ms) and I'm getting kind of frustrated. Maybe its my query. Can someone possibly take a look and see what you think?

Thanks

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Sir or Madam; (I put the specific name when I have it)

Have you ever been part of a team so strong that you carried the memories of that group of people with you for the rest of your life? Did your team do something so extraordinary that, years later it is still talked about? My manuscript One Team One Dream describes that scenario. It is a fact based account of the 1997 William Byrd High School Virginia state championship baseball team, and the achievements, setbacks, downfalls, and ultimately victory. This is the story the way I saw it from the pitcher’s mound, as one of the most sought after pitchers in the state of Virginia.

The market for this book would begin with the people that shared this experience in the Roanoke Valley, including players, students, coaches, parents, and fans. It has garnered some attention from the local media including the Roanoke Times newspaper, the Vinton Messenger newspaper, and the local NBC affiliate WSLS News Channel 10. The story would also reach anyone who has ever been a part of a team or has ever been inspired by teamwork, and exactly how far teammates can take each other regardless of the obstacles. My dedication to my team, as well as my accomplishments on the field, and name recognition in the local community based on these events qualify me to tell this story as it should be told, no punches pulled, no stones left unturned. It will be the first book covering this specific team, so it will certainly peak the interest of everyone in the area.

My manuscript is completed, and is roughly seventy-thousand words, and 280 typescript pages. I am requesting permission to send you a full proposal complete with synopsis, sample chapters, a summary of photographs and the introduction which sets the stage for the entire book.

Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Name
Address
Phone #
Email
Blood Type (Just kidding)

Thanks a bunch!

mommie4a · Aug 5, 2005

First, congrats on the book and the query. Sounds interesting!

Second, on the query - do you know that most times nonfictions books aren't submitted to agents or publishers as a complete manuscript, but instead as a proposal, usually with just a one to three sample chapters? There are some threads in here about how to do that and resources to use to put those proposals together.

Third, on the query itself, the writing etc. - I'd love to see you tighten it up and punch it up. I think the content overall is there and decent and succinct. But the language - it could be smoother, more active, more assertive and confident.

It's 11pm here so I've gotta turn in (sorry!) but you should definitely search in the threads for the nonfiction book proposal threads that mention the three or four main books on how to put together a nonfiction book proposal.

Good luck!

OneTeam OneDream · Aug 5, 2005

mommie4a said:
First, congrats on the book and the query. Sounds interesting!

Second, on the query - do you know that most times nonfictions books aren't submitted to agents or publishers as a complete manuscript, but instead as a proposal, usually with just a one to three sample chapters? There are some threads in here about how to do that and resources to use to put those proposals together.

Good luck!

Thanks for the kind words.

I am aware of Sample Chapters, and in the query you will see that in my definition of proposal I say sample chapters.

When you get more time, could you possibly give me a little more about what you mean in "tightening it up"?

I really appreciate your response.

veronie · Aug 5, 2005

Hi. I liked it as well. I gave it a look and saw a few grammar issues, so I thought I'd offer them up so publishers will have fewer reasons to reject it.

Please, take no offense. It was actually a fun exercise for me (I'm a grammar nerd). Overall, the query is great, so don't be misled by me being picky. And, a 25 percent success rate is awesome.

Put a comma after "years later" in the first graph. You are using the phrase in a non-restrictive way.

Hyphenate "fact based" in the first graph (fact-based). It is a compound modifier that screams for hyphenation.

I would say "ultimate victory" insteat of "ultimately victory" in the first graph.

Get rid of the comma after "pitcher's mound" in the first graph, and hyphenate "sought after" (sought-after) because it is acting as a compound modifier.

This is just me, but I'd put a comma after "media" in the second paragraph before your list of newspapers.

Get rid of "newspaper" after the newspaper names. (Roanoke Times, not Roanoke Times newspaper).

Put a comma after "affiliate" in the second graph.

Get rid of the "ever"s in the second graph. They strike me as redundant.

No comma after "teamwork" in second graph.

Get rid of "the" before "obstacles."

No comma after "field" in second graph.

Change comma to dash after "as it should be told" in second graph.

No comma after "completed" in third graph.

Change ", and" after "seventy-thousand words" to a dash in third graph.

Instead of saying "I am requesting permission to send you," say "Can I send you ..." in third graph. It's less formal; more warm.

Put a comma after "photographs" in "a summary of photographs and the introduction" in the third graph. Technically, you can choose to use the serial comma (the comma before and in a listed series) or not, but be consistent. You used the serial comma earlier.

Put a comma after "introduction," or use "that" instead of "which." The word "which" is only used with non-restrictive clauses and needs a comma.

OneTeam OneDream · Aug 5, 2005

veronie said:
Hi. I liked it as well. I gave it a look and saw a few grammar issues, so I thought I'd offer them up so publishers will have fewer reasons to reject it.

Please, take no offense. It was actually a fun exercise for me (I'm a grammar nerd). Overall, the query is great, so don't be misled by me being picky. And, a 25 percent success rate is awesome.

Put a comma after "years later" in the first graph. You are using the phrase in a non-restrictive way.

Hyphenate "fact based" in the first graph (fact-based). It is a compound modifier that screams for hyphenation.

I would say "ultimate victory" insteat of "ultimately victory" in the first graph.

Get rid of the comma after "pitcher's mound" in the first graph, and hyphenate "sought after" (sought-after) because it is acting as a compound modifier.

This is just me, but I'd put a comma after "media" in the second paragraph before your list of newspapers.

Get rid of "newspaper" after the newspaper names. (Roanoke Times, not Roanoke Times newspaper).

Put a comma after "affiliate" in the second graph.

Get rid of the "ever"s in the second graph. They strike me as redundant.

No comma after "teamwork" in second graph.

Get rid of "the" before "obstacles."

No comma after "field" in second graph.

Change comma to dash after "as it should be told" in second graph.

No comma after "completed" in third graph.

Change ", and" after "seventy-thousand words" to a dash in third graph.

Instead of saying "I am requesting permission to send you," say "Can I send you ..." in third graph. It's less formal; more warm.

Put a comma after "photographs" in "a summary of photographs and the introduction" in the third graph. Technically, you can choose to use the serial comma (the comma before and in a listed series) or not, but be consistent. You used the serial comma earlier.

Put a comma after "introduction," or use "that" instead of "which." The word "which" is only used with non-restrictive clauses and needs a comma.

Maybe I need to go back to English Class. Ha, Ha! Seriously though, I really appreciate that!

veronie · Aug 5, 2005

Your first hit is free. You'll have to pay street price from now on. :ROFL:

OneTeam OneDream · Aug 5, 2005

veronie said:
Your first hit is free. You'll have to pay street price from now on.

Remember, in the words of many great (published) authors "Money flows toward the author, not away!" Awwww shucks, Uncle Jim would be proud.

Optimus · Aug 6, 2005

Well, you start off okay but then it kinda fizzles out. It needs to be tighter, more direct, and more confident. Confidence (but not cockiness) will sell you to the agent. The letter is your once chance to grab his/her attention. It should be short (no longer than one page...that doesn't count attachments), compelling, and confident. Get in, tell them your story, get out. Bing, Bang, Boom.

The overall impact of the letter should leave the agent saying, "Damn, I gotta read that!"

Your letter's not there yet, but you're off to a decent start.

Dear Sir or Madam; (I put the specific name when I have it)

Have you ever been part of a team so strong that you carried the memories of that group of people with you for the rest of your life? (I like what you're doing here, starting off with your hook, but I don't like the sentence. It's too late for my brain to come up with a suggestion, but this first sentence needs to be "hookier."Did your team do something so extraordinary that, years later it is still talked about? (This sentence is almost redundant to the first. Maybe try to include this information in a new, tighter first sentence. One sentence as your opening hook. That's it. Also, you want your hook to stand out - for greater impact - so start a new paragraph with the next sentence).

My manuscript One Team One Dream describes that scenario. It is a fact based account of the 1997 William Byrd High School Virginia state championship baseball team, and the achievements, setbacks, downfalls, and ultimately victory. again, not a big fan of this sentence. It's not tight enough and just doesn't scream "read me." How about something more like... My latest manuscript, ONE TEAM, ONE DREAM, captures the magic of the underdog 1997 William Byrd High School baseball team's inspirational rise from district rock-bottom to the heights of success as state champions. Told through the eyes of one of the most sought-after pitchers in the region, this story...blah blah blah. This paragraph is the appetizer.

The market for this book would begin with the people that shared this experience in the Roanoke Valley, including players, students, coaches, parents, and fans. It has garnered some attention from the local media including the Roanoke Times newspaper, the Vinton Messenger newspaper, and the local NBC affiliate WSLS News Channel 10. The story would also reach anyone who has ever been a part of a team or has ever been inspired by teamwork, and exactly how far teammates can take each other regardless of the obstacles. My dedication to my team, as well as my accomplishments on the field, and name recognition in the local community based on these events qualify me to tell this story as it should be told, no punches pulled, no stones left unturned. It will be the first book covering this specific team, so it will certainly peak the interest of everyone in the area. (delete this entire paragraph. Not only is it unnecessary and detracts from your story, but it pretty much gives the impression that this book has the potential to sell less than 100 copies. It deflates all the air from your balloon.

Trust me, the agent will have a much better grasp of whom this story will or won't appeal to and how marketable it is. It's not your job to tell them the sales demographics. Your job is to sell them on the story, not the potential profit. This paragraph is the main course, so the entire paragraph should be no more than 4 lines telling the gist of the story in the tightest, yet most compelling, manner possible.).

ONE TEAM, ONE DREAM is a seventy-thousand word, 280 typescript page manuscript. I truly believe that this story is the best, most compelling thing I have ever written. I am currently seeking top-notch representation to see my manuscript through to publication. In this spirit, I would love to provide you with a copy for consideration.

Sincerely,

Name
Address
Phone #
Email

mommie4a · Aug 6, 2005

About the paragraph Optimus says to remove:

You do need to sell the agent or publisher on you - why are you the best person to tell the story. So you need to sell yourself in regard to that fact. You also may want to have a line that references the popularity of such stories (I think of Pat Conroy's baseball story out last year) and how yours fits with that trend. Specific market info will be required in your proposal.

Remember that the purpose of the nonficiton book QUERY is to get the agent or publisher to request your nonfiction book PROPOSAL which will have the specifics and run from 20-50 pages, including sample chapters. You are trying to get your idea separated from unsolicited manuscripts and proposals by querying with a one page sell of your idea and why you're the one to author it.

Good luck.

OneTeam OneDream · Aug 6, 2005

mommie4a said:
About the paragraph Optimus says to remove:

You do need to sell the agent or publisher on you - why are you the best person to tell the story. So you need to sell yourself in regard to that fact. You also may want to have a line that references the popularity of such stories (I think of Pat Conroy's baseball story out last year) and how yours fits with that trend. Specific market info will be required in your proposal.

Remember that the purpose of the nonficiton book QUERY is to get the agent or publisher to request your nonfiction book PROPOSAL which will have the specifics and run from 20-50 pages, including sample chapters. You are trying to get your idea separated from unsolicited manuscripts and proposals by querying with a one page sell of your idea and why you're the one to author it.

Good luck.

I Know I can't mention this in this context, but alot of my beta readers have compared it to Friday Night Lights, except for in baseball form. (Plus, we won, they lost...haha) I have that mentioned in my cover letter that goes out with proposals, but I wasn't really sure how to add that into my query.

Julie Worth · Aug 6, 2005

A “25% success rate (asking for partials or full ms)” is actually very good.

mommie4a · Aug 6, 2005

OneTeamOneDream said:
I Know I can't mention this in this context, but alot of my beta readers have compared it to Friday Night Lights, except for in baseball form. (Plus, we won, they lost...haha) I have that mentioned in my cover letter that goes out with proposals, but I wasn't really sure how to add that into my query.

I haven't checked to see if it's available, but the Buzz spoke at the ASJA conference in NYC in April '05. He was excellent. Hoosiers is movie that comes to mind. I'm sure there are a ton of examples. Really - hit the library or try inside the book feature at Amazon and check out some more sample queries to see how they throw in that info.

OneTeam OneDream · Aug 6, 2005

Julie Worth said:
A “25% success rate (asking for partials or full ms)” is actually very good.

Really?

I saw that one of the guys running around here said that if you aren't getting 80%, then there is something wrong with your query.

OneTeam OneDream · Aug 6, 2005

mommie4a said:
I haven't checked to see if it's available, but the Buzz spoke at the ASJA conference in NYC in April '05. He was excellent. Hoosiers is movie that comes to mind. I'm sure there are a ton of examples. Really - hit the library or try inside the book feature at Amazon and check out some more sample queries to see how they throw in that info.

Gotcha! Thanks! Hoosiers is another example thrown in my cover letter.

Julie Worth · Aug 6, 2005

OneTeamOneDream said:
Really?

I saw that one of the guys running around here said that if you aren't getting 80%, then there is something wrong with your query.

Who was that? Nicolas Sparks wrote a dynamite query letter and got just under 50%. That’s about the best you can expect, I think, since at least half the agents will pass for reasons totally separate from the work you’re pitching. (Of course, maybe non-fiction is different.)

See

http://www.nicholassparks.com/WritersCorner/Agent.html

and

http://www.nicholassparks.com/WritersCorner/Query.html

and especially

http://www.zackcompany.com/perfectpitch.pdf

OneTeam OneDream · Aug 6, 2005

Julie Worth said:
Who was that? Nicolas Sparks wrote a dynamite query letter and got just under 50%. That’s about the best you can expect, I think, since at least half the agents will pass for reasons totally separate from the work you’re pitching. (Of course, maybe non-fiction is different.)

See

http://www.nicholassparks.com/WritersCorner/Agent.html

and

http://www.nicholassparks.com/WritersCorner/Query.html

and especially

http://www.zackcompany.com/perfectpitch.pdf

If you send a letter asking if you can send sample chapters, the agent is going to think you're dense. There are better ways of finding out whether or not an agent will look at sample chapters.

I've seen that 12% before, and I think it's ridiculous. Proper, well-written query letters when you've done your research should result in at least an 80% request rate. I'd say that 12% is what people get with standard, average query letters that are shotgunned.

This was written by Jamesritchie in this thread: http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16920&highlight=query+percentage

OneTeam OneDream · Aug 6, 2005

How about something like this:

With over 275,000 high school baseball players, and over 13,000 coaches in America, this story will certianly relate to a great deal of people.

Julie Worth · Aug 6, 2005

OneTeamOneDream said:
If you send a letter asking if you can send sample chapters, the agent is going to think you're dense. There are better ways of finding out whether or not an agent will look at sample chapters.

I've seen that 12% before, and I think it's ridiculous. Proper, well-written query letters when you've done your research should result in at least an 80% request rate. I'd say that 12% is what people get with standard, average query letters that are shotgunned.

This was written by Jamesritchie in this thread: http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16920&highlight=query+percentage

Elsewhere he says that you should never send just the query, but should always enclose three chapters (after researching the agent). So, if he’s not sending out just a query, where is he getting the 80%?

Making it up, most probably.

On his blog, he doesn't mention having an agent. His advice is "...submit, submit, submit, and don’t stop submitting until someone buys your work."

OneTeam OneDream · Aug 6, 2005

Julie Worth said:
Elsewhere he says that you should never send just the query, but should always enclose three chapters (after researching the agent). So, if he’s not sending out just a query, where is he getting the 80%?

Making it up, most probably.

On his blog, he doesn't mention having an agent. His advice is "...submit, submit, submit, and don’t stop submitting until someone buys your work."

Yeah I kinda gathered that too. Thanks though.

mommie4a · Aug 6, 2005

OneTeamOneDream said:
How about something like this:

With over 275,000 high school baseball players, and over 13,000 coaches in America, this story will certianly relate to a great deal of people.

I like that but I don't like the words "certainly" or "great deal" - I'm not a fan of adverbs and vague references to numbers. Instead, you could say...this story will resonate with young and old alike, or something that more specifically indicates that depth and breadth of the market (like...are more people exposed to baseball than any other sport or more interested in it than any other sport etc).

OneTeam OneDream · Aug 6, 2005

mommie4a said:
I like that but I don't like the words "certainly" or "great deal" - I'm not a fan of adverbs and vague references to numbers. Instead, you could say...this story will resonate with young and old alike, or something that more specifically indicates that depth and breadth of the market (like...are more people exposed to baseball than any other sport or more interested in it than any other sport etc).

Thanks again. Back to the drawing board!

eldragon · Aug 6, 2005

Is the book geared toward young readers or adults?

No offense, but how many adults read about High School sports teams?

It might be a big sell to High School or junior high students - if its at an easy to read level.

I think of it like High School football and basketball........even college ......just doesn't draw the attention that professional does.

So - is it geared towards tween readers?

OneTeam OneDream · Aug 6, 2005

[Is the book geared toward young readers or adults?
Both

No offense, but how many adults read about High School sports teams?

Quite a few. Friday Night Lights, Hoosiers etc.

I think of it like High School football and basketball........even college ......just doesn't draw the attention that professional does.

College football is huge, and College basketball draws much more attention than pro these days.

So - is it geared towards tween readers?

It is geared towards anyone, young and old, who was ever a part of a team, and wants to be inspired.

eldragon · Aug 6, 2005

College football is huge, and College basketball draws much more attention than pro these days.

Good. I guess things have changed. When I worked in a Vegas casino, near the sports book .......college sports were dead, but pro were crazy.

The book sounds interesting. I'd read it.

OneTeam OneDream · Aug 6, 2005

eldragon said:
Good. I guess things have changed. When I worked in a Vegas casino, near the sports book .......college sports were dead, but pro were crazy.

The book sounds interesting. I'd read it.

Thank you!

(Where can I send my proposal....you are an editor right?...hehe)

Could someone possibly critique my query?

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