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James81
01-26-2010, 07:14 PM
Ok, I can think of two pertinent things I've learned from my grandmothers...

On my mom's side: Grandma always said that the best sleep you get is BEFORE midnight. As in if you go to bed at, say, 10PM, then the rest you get from 10 PM to Midnight is better than the rest you get after midnight. I actually think this may be true, too, because last night I fell asleep at 8 PM and woke up at 2AM (thus only getting 6 hours of sleep) and I feel very well rested today. And feel better than I usually do going to sleep at midnight and waking up at 6 AM.

On my dad's side: Grandma once told me that on whatever day the first snow fell, that that is how many snows we'll have that winter. So, if the first snow of the year is on December 5th (the 5th day of the month), then that means you'll have 5 snows that year. I used to keep track of this when i was a kid and it almost always proved to be true.

The moral of this story: Old ladies are wise, very wise indeed. :D

cray
01-26-2010, 08:07 PM
The moral of this story: Old ladies are wise, very wise indeed. :D



*grabs tape recorder. follows haggis around*

Lavern08
01-26-2010, 08:12 PM
My Granny used to always say:

"Be careful how you treat people, because you reap what you sow!" ;)

scarletpeaches
01-26-2010, 08:13 PM
My gran taught me by example about the kind of life I never want to have.

Churning out kids and living a life of drudgery with an ungrateful, drunken husband is not for me.

That said, her rhubarb crumble was top notch.

scarletpeaches
01-26-2010, 08:13 PM
My Granny used to always say:

"Be careful how you treat people, because you reap what you sow!" ;)Your gran was Jesus Christ?

EFCollins
01-26-2010, 08:17 PM
My grandmother tried to teach me to drive. I got out of the driveway and started down the road, a bread truck was coming down the other side of the street, but almost two blocks away. My grandmother started screaming "There's a truck! A truck's coming, watch for the truck! The truck, Ellen! Watch it, watch out!!"

This is why I do not drive.

aadams73
01-26-2010, 08:24 PM
From my great-grandmother:

"A lady never slaps a man."
"Never trust a man in a brown suit."

Meanwhile, my grandmother passed down her wanderlust, and taught me her banana cake recipe.

Fine women, both of them.

rhymegirl
01-26-2010, 08:28 PM
I don't think my grandma taught me anything in particular.

But my mother always said make sure you wear clean underwear every day in case you get in an accident.

Oh and my mom also used to tell us not to eat any food late at night because you'll dream about your great-grandmother.

rhymegirl
01-26-2010, 08:30 PM
"Never trust a man in a brown suit."

Hmm. I wonder why it has to be a brown suit.

Now I'm gonna look twice at guys wearing brown suits.

Priene
01-26-2010, 08:34 PM
Things your Grandma taught you...

Don't marry a man who fancies his brother's widow.

aadams73
01-26-2010, 08:34 PM
Hmm. I wonder why it has to be a brown suit.

Now I'm gonna look twice at guys wearing brown suits.

I have no idea. She never did explain. But I still feel a mild aversion to men in brown suits.

rhymegirl
01-26-2010, 08:37 PM
I have no idea. She never did explain. But I still feel a mild aversion to men in brown suits.

How about men in brown uniforms?

Watch out for those UPS guys!

Lavern08
01-26-2010, 08:39 PM
Your gran was Jesus Christ?

ROFL :D

No, but she quoted Him a lot! ;)

shakeysix
01-26-2010, 08:40 PM
my great grandmother taught me to do a second planting of zinnias and cosmos at the end of june. that way when the rest of the flowers are all dried up in the summer heat or chewed to skeletons by the hoppers, there will still be flowers in bloom for september and october. i always do it that way--oh--and you can grow carrots in with the flowers because carrots have pretty, lacy white flowers and if you don't pull them all they will self sow some for next year--s6

stormie
01-26-2010, 08:45 PM
One grandmother only spoke Italian. Not a clue what she wanted to impart to me. Probably "Don't wear these horrible black orthopedic shoes and flowery black housedresses."

The other felt that people could subsist on lots of Italian bread, assorted cheeses, and wine. She died when I was 17, and to this day I love bread, cheese, and a glass of wine. A meal in itself.

Shadow_Ferret
01-26-2010, 08:49 PM
I never really knew my grandparents.

shyne
01-26-2010, 08:56 PM
That you don't put other peoples dentures in your mouth

Fran
01-26-2010, 09:01 PM
My wee Scottish grandma's best advice is "Ye'll never git a man tae merry ye fir the brain in yer heid. S'no' the brain they're efter."

CaroGirl
01-26-2010, 09:08 PM
My mother's mother died when she was six. I often wonder if that influenced her ability to mother me.

My father's mother lived in Aberdeen and I saw her for only about one week every three years or so. I'd say the main thing my gran taught me was how NOT to cook.

sadron
01-26-2010, 09:10 PM
I don't remember, she died before I get to remember anything.

Mr Flibble
01-26-2010, 10:54 PM
On my Dad's side...ah, bless her heart I was in and out of her house all day, she was a surrogate mum of sorts. She taught me that what everyone else thought didn't matter, as long as you were sure you were right in your heart. That snobs should be laughed at and ignored. That you can't judge others by your own self. That everyone has the right to do what they want as long as they don't hurt anyone else. If they hurt anyone else, all bets are off, along with the gloves. And the best way to finding peace on a day you've lost it is to find a big field, sit down, smell the flowers, look at the artistry of the trees, eat wild strawberries and just say 'Wow. Thanks'

On my mum's side, my Gran ( fondly known as Dragon to all) taught me to check form and lay a bet, drink beer in pints and pour it properly, and never let the buggers grind you down. Funny, we didn't see so much of her....

darkprincealain
01-26-2010, 10:58 PM
The paternal one taught me a variation on meatloaf called ham rolls with zippy sauce. Trust me, it's the way to some people's hearts around here. Also, she taught me not to drink full glasses of orange liquid. They're not always orange juice. Fibercil or somesuch used to be orange flavored.

The maternal one taught me to drive the riding lawnmower, and to keep a close watch on the car in front of you while driving. Way before my driving school and 16th birthday, might I add.

Matera the Mad
01-27-2010, 06:34 AM
If there's dew on the grass in the morning, it won't rain. If the grass is dry, it probably will.

Unlike a lot of predictors, this one is true.

I also leaned a lot about cooking, baking, gardening, and crocheting potholders.

backslashbaby
01-27-2010, 06:47 AM
Dad's side: so many recipes and gardening tips! And that women work (she always did) and very old people mow lawns with manual lawnmowers. And they can do anything, actually. That whole side of the family is amazingly efficient, hardworking, and a bit... German about it all ;)

My Irish/native American side taught me recipes, gardening tips, and that the fiddle and dancing are incredibly important. As are smelly tonics taken internally or rubbed all over, even on a schoolday. And that shoes are for wimps. Ghosts/the supernatural exist. Mostly the importance of laughter :)

It was a great mix, I think!

eta: on my mom's side, I also learned that men cook. Often.

dolores haze
01-27-2010, 06:49 AM
One grandmother taught me how to sew.

The other taught me that Catholics worshipped the devil. Except she called 'em Papists.

Don Allen
01-27-2010, 06:58 AM
My grandmother once told me that young girls do not like baseball, in fact that hate it. The only reason a young lady would say that she liked baseball was to impress a young man. I was 9 as was the girl who tried desperately hard to win my affection by feigning interest in the game of baseball.... that was 1969 and yes the Cubs were the team. It wasn't until years later that I regretted not heeding my wise old grandmothers advice and paying more attention to that that young lady, Beth, who later became one of the hottest underwear print models you could imagine, last i heard she moved to New York and married a gazillionaire, damn lucky for her I didn't take an interest....

backslashbaby
01-27-2010, 07:11 AM
My grandmother once told me that young girls do not like baseball, in fact that hate it. The only reason a young lady would say that she liked baseball was to impress a young man. I was 9 as was the girl who tried desperately hard to win my affection by feigning interest in the game of baseball.... that was 1969 and yes the Cubs were the team. It wasn't until years later that I regretted not heeding my wise old grandmothers advice and paying more attention to that that young lady, Beth, who later became one of the hottest underwear print models you could imagine, last i heard she moved to New York and married a gazillionaire, damn lucky for her I didn't take an interest....

:D! My dad's side were all baseball crazy, even the women.

One of our own family even made it big, on the Yankees* [!], all the way from this teeny suburb/village. So they never understood when I didn't like baseball.

*Kemp Whicker :)

rhymegirl
01-27-2010, 07:56 AM
My grandmother once told me that young girls do not like baseball, in fact they hate it. The only reason a young lady would say that she liked baseball was to impress a young man.

That sounds about right to me.

I hate baseball. But I once went to a Red Sox game with a guy I really liked. ONLY because I liked him and wanted to make him happy.

bettielee
01-27-2010, 10:33 AM
I regret that I learned nothing from my maternal grandmother. I should have paid closer attention.

Stlight
01-27-2010, 11:51 AM
On my mother's side: No lady weighs more than 100 pounds, doesn't matter how tall she is. No lady wears a shoe wider than a B width, doesn't matter how wide her foot is.

On my Dad's side: Grandma loves you no matter what your mother says.

aadams73
01-27-2010, 07:15 PM
On my mother's side: No lady weighs more than 100 pounds, doesn't matter how tall she is.


:eek: I feel hungry just reading that.

bettielee
01-28-2010, 12:33 AM
I was 111 pds in 5th grade - but I was a foot taller than everyone else (5' 4" at 11). It was horrifying. It was one of those things where they take all the kids in 4 or 5 at a time and weigh you and check you for lice. Didn't matter how many kids had lice, I was over 100 lbs.

Fran
01-28-2010, 12:37 AM
The other taught me that Catholics worshipped the devil. Except she called 'em Papists.

:eek: My wee grandma told me you lot worshipped the devil.

Ain't sectarianism grand? ;)

aadams73
01-28-2010, 12:47 AM
I was 111 pds in 5th grade - but I was a foot taller than everyone else (5' 4" at 11). It was horrifying. It was one of those things where they take all the kids in 4 or 5 at a time and weigh you and check you for lice. Didn't matter how many kids had lice, I was over 100 lbs.

Wow, what's wrong with 111 at that height? That's not even close to being overweight.

Are you still tall? I'm 5'3" and normally I hover between 115-120.

Fran
01-28-2010, 12:50 AM
I don't understand pounds. It's a much smaller number in stones anyway. ;)

aadams73
01-28-2010, 12:51 AM
I don't understand pounds. It's a much smaller number in stones anyway. ;)

100 pounds = 7.14 stone. :D

ETA: I always have to convert to kilos.

Fran
01-28-2010, 12:55 AM
100 pounds = 7.14 stone. :D

ETA: I always have to convert to kilos.

Oh. Lovely...

*wanders off whistling, the floor buckling beneath me*

But I'm 5'8"! So there's an excuse. :D

aadams73
01-28-2010, 01:01 AM
But I'm 5'8"! So there's an excuse. :D

Oh, you're one of those lucky tall people! *sniff*

Fran
01-28-2010, 01:05 AM
Oh, you're one of those lucky tall people! *sniff*

I'm resisting the urge to pat you on the head... ;)

sassandgroove
01-28-2010, 01:07 AM
I'd be happy to be under 200 pounds. I am glad she's not my grandmother.

On the funny side- every time you leave the house you have to pee first. If I didn't have to go she'd say, "I bet you could go if you tried." I can still hear her say it. and I always pee before I leave the house.

From my paternal- she demonstrated unconditional love to me.
From my maternal- she meant well. But I learned things my mom tried not to teach me, like "clean your plate, there are starving children in china." while simultaneously criticising me for my weight. I once snapped at her that it didn't do starving children any good if I was fat and she stopped saying it.

sheadakota
01-28-2010, 01:19 AM
My paternal grandmother only spoke Italian and she scared the crap out of me. My father was appalled when I told him that years after she died- but she was always screaming things i didn't understand and cuffing my father up side the head.

My maternal grandmother taught me that I did NOT want to have 11 children.

My mother taught me that she should have never had any-

William Haskins
01-28-2010, 01:31 AM
You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".
.

rhymegirl
01-28-2010, 01:49 AM
On my mother's side: No lady weighs more than 100 pounds, doesn't matter how tall she is. No lady wears a shoe wider than a B width, doesn't matter how wide her foot is.

Well, I was gonna say I guess I'm not a lady, but then I saw the B-width part and whew, I'm okay on that one.

aadams73
01-28-2010, 03:43 AM
I'm resisting the urge to pat you on the head... ;)

You wouldn't be the first person to do that! :D Lucky for me, they have this wonderful invention called high heels.

My paternal grandmother taught me needlepoint and embroidery, and that now is always a good time for a piece of chocolate. She always laughed easily at herself and taught me to do the same.

Fran
01-28-2010, 04:15 AM
You wouldn't be the first person to do that! :D Lucky for me, they have this wonderful invention called high heels.

I can't walk in high heels. My centre of gravity's too high. I also have very wide feet and would have to cut some toes off to wear most of the ones I see, and I also think life's too short to have sore feet. I have nothing but respect for women who can walk in them. Some can even run in them. Imagine! Sadly I'm a fairy elephant.

I'll be back with more complaints tomorrow. :D

Silver King
01-28-2010, 06:25 AM
The only grandma I knew once told me, "Boy, don't you ever trust nobody. People are always out to gitcha, and don't you ever fergit it."

Wish I'd have listened to that old bird. Would've saved me a lot of trouble and heartache over the years.

brokenfingers
01-28-2010, 06:31 AM
I feel shortchanged. My grandma never taught me anything except to eat everything on my plate.

rhymegirl
01-28-2010, 06:39 AM
I feel shortchanged. My grandma never taught me anything except to eat everything on my plate.

And then to lick your plate.

brokenfingers
01-28-2010, 07:06 AM
No, my first dog taught me that.

rhymegirl
01-28-2010, 07:53 AM
No, my first dog taught me that.

Ok. I stand corrected. I didn't realize your dog was a role model for you. :)

brokenfingers
01-28-2010, 07:58 AM
No, he wasn't a role model at all. You mistakenly assumed my grandmother taught me to lick my plate and I but corrected your wrong assumption.

Stlight
01-28-2010, 10:03 AM
I'm the one with the 100lbs or less, skinny feet granny. I still can't get the quote thing to work.

Marriage managed the 100 lbs thing, I was heavier before marriage, and afterwards, which is okay. I'm 5'4". I think she was wrong about ladies weighing 100lbs or less.

Sis had trouble with it since she is 5'6". Grandmother was 4'11".

Can I tell you how your support is appreciated? It is.

I do have little boxy feet - dance, Tai Chi, walking, you know that stuff. We spent an hour at a shoe store once with her explaining how she would buy me a very nice pari of shoes, but only if I got a B width. My D width feet... no shoe is that beautiful.

Fran
01-28-2010, 12:54 PM
I spoke to my wee grandma last night. She told me:
"Ah'm readin' this book whur the wummin's fun' oot her man's aff wi' anither lassie an' she's nae telt him tae git oot. Whit kun' o' wummin is tha'? She shid be break'n 'is airms."*
So now she's also taught me physical violence is acceptable on some occasions. :D

*"I'm reading a book where the woman's found out her husband's having an affair and she hasn't instructed him to leave. What kind of woman is that? She should be breaking his arms."

sassandgroove
01-28-2010, 09:05 PM
thanks for the translation. :D

S.R. Keene
01-28-2010, 09:46 PM
I like this thread.

My dad's mom (naunie) is an intense southern pioneer type who could out work a man in a field, yet dressed nice every day to go to work at the phone company as head of central toll investigations.

She taught me, above all: how to outsmart anyone around you and if that fails, how to be a dead shot.

My mom's mom-how to be as cold as a glacier.

quickWit
01-28-2010, 09:55 PM
French kissing.











what?

Lavern08
01-28-2010, 09:57 PM
French kissing.











what?

Sick but hilarious! :D

DeleyanLee
01-28-2010, 10:09 PM
How to swear worse than a sailor. My dad was a sailor and she could out-swear him any day. At 10, I had a good grasp on a very interesting vocabulary.

quickWit
01-28-2010, 10:10 PM
Sick but hilarious! :D

Yes, she was.

aadams73
01-28-2010, 10:38 PM
French kissing.


That ain't right, bunneh. Your mother should have taught you that.

rhymegirl
01-28-2010, 11:44 PM
French kissing.

what?

This explains so much about quicky, doesn't it?

Cella
01-29-2010, 01:04 AM
Things your Grandma taught you... that she didn't much care for children

writeronfire
01-29-2010, 02:08 AM
My grandma taught me, "You better shop around."

ad_lucem
01-29-2010, 03:12 AM
How to feign innocence, keep it in the family, and where/when/how to hide the bodies if necessary.

j/k

Kind of...

kayleamay
01-29-2010, 03:21 AM
My grandma taught me:

How to roll my own.
How to hold entire conversations using only aphorisms and jingle lyrics.
No matter how much you drink, it was only two beers.
A 90 lb. Welsh woman can take 175 lb. man down in a bar fight.
Teeth are optional.
If I let a man put his shoes under my bed I'd wind up pregnant. (That's why I've only had sex with shoeless men.)
When you're old and fiesty, judges will laugh and drop the charges.
If you hold onto land long enough, sooner or later someone will be willing to pay you three times more than it's worth.

Ol' Fashioned Girl
01-29-2010, 03:41 AM
....On my dad's side: Grandma once told me that on whatever day the first snow fell, that that is how many snows we'll have that winter. So, if the first snow of the year is on December 5th (the 5th day of the month), then that means you'll have 5 snows that year....

Doomed. I'm doomed. Didja all hear about the Great Oklahoma Blizzard... December 25th, 2009...

:sob:

Seriously, though... Dad's mom died in 1906. Gangrene from being gored in the side by a cow she was milking. She was pregnant with her 13th child. I learned to avoid milking and pregnancy.

Mom's mom died in 1931 at the age of 46 - 22 years before I was born - so the only thing I learned from her was 'don't get cancer'.

DWSTXS
01-29-2010, 04:09 AM
My grandmother on my mother's side would always say one of two things, bothe dealing with food, because they lived on a farm: 'Go out there and pick a watermelon, and watch out for rattlesnakes in the garden, if you see one, tell me and I'll get the hoe and come out and kill it for you.
The other was: go on out to the hen house and get some eggs. You be careful when you reach under them hens, don't scare em, or they'll quit laying eggs. . .and be careful in the henhouse, sometimes them rat snakes crawl up under the hens. . .if you feel one when you reach for them eggs, let me know and I'll get the hoe and come out and kill it. . .
Obviously, I've seen my grandma and grandpa kill many, many rattlesnakes back in the day. LOL

On my father's side, my grandma was ALWAYS yelling at me and my brother, because we were always in trouble and doing something that irked the S out of her: "I swear to heaven, it's ENOUGH to make a preacher CUSS!"

we were pretty much a couple of little snot-terrorists when we were kids, let me tell you.

aadams73
01-29-2010, 07:14 AM
How to feign innocence, keep it in the family, and where/when/how to hide the bodies if necessary.


I learned all that from my grandfather. :D

backslashbaby
01-29-2010, 07:24 AM
My grandmother on my mother's side would always say one of two things, bothe dealing with food, because they lived on a farm: 'Go out there and pick a watermelon, and watch out for rattlesnakes in the garden, if you see one, tell me and I'll get the hoe and come out and kill it for you.
The other was: go on out to the hen house and get some eggs. You be careful when you reach under them hens, don't scare em, or they'll quit laying eggs. . .and be careful in the henhouse, sometimes them rat snakes crawl up under the hens. . .if you feel one when you reach for them eggs, let me know and I'll get the hoe and come out and kill it. . .
Obviously, I've seen my grandma and grandpa kill many, many rattlesnakes back in the day. LOL

On my father's side, my grandma was ALWAYS yelling at me and my brother, because we were always in trouble and doing something that irked the S out of her: "I swear to heaven, it's ENOUGH to make a preacher CUSS!"

we were pretty much a couple of little snot-terrorists when we were kids, let me tell you.

My grandmother said the same with copperheads! Always a hoe, too :)

The best animal story with my grandmother was when the neighbor's billy goat got lose. She tried shooing it away from her garden with a broom. Folks saw her backed up on top of her car, still swinging at it when they intervened.

jodiodi
01-29-2010, 10:37 AM
It must be something about Grandmothers and hoes. I remember at my paternal grandmother's (Granny's) house, every time we'd find a rattlesnake, they'd 'get the hoe' to kill it.

Granny taught me to be a lady; she was the quintessential Southern Lady. "Ladies don't tan." Hence my milky white skin. She had a first edition Emily Post Etiquette book as well as a first edition Gone with the Wind. I read both several times. She was also the sweetest, kindest, most loving woman I ever knew.

Grandma (maternal Grandmother), taught me how to can vegetables, how to sew, and how to make the best pound cake evah! She was much less openly affectionate than Granny but I remember when I got my high school class ring, I went over to show it to her and she hugged me and cried. I was the oldest grandchild on that side of the family. After she died, people told me how she bragged on me, talking about how smart I was. She never told me.

ad_lucem
01-29-2010, 07:09 PM
I learned all that from my grandfather. :D

Ah, well, you see, all the evil in my family happens to be matrilineal. :evil

:D

cray
01-29-2010, 07:11 PM
French kissing.




hey, i learned french kissing from your grandmom too!
small world!

kayleamay
01-29-2010, 07:13 PM
This thread sparked a conversation with my husband and a friend last night. My grandmother was nontraditional in the most hysterical ways. I need to write a story about her.


ETA. Oh, hi Cray!

Lavern08
01-29-2010, 08:07 PM
Grandma (maternal Grandmother), taught me how to can vegetables, how to sew, and how to make the best pound cake evah! She was much less openly affectionate than Granny but I remember when I got my high school class ring, I went over to show it to her and she hugged me and cried. I was the oldest grandchild on that side of the family. After she died, people told me how she bragged on me, talking about how smart I was. She never told me.

Ok, this almost made me cry - What a sweet story. :Hug2:

Silent Rob
01-29-2010, 08:10 PM
She taught me how to get speeding tickets.

Alpha Echo
01-29-2010, 08:22 PM
I'm kinda jealous - some of you seem to have such awesome grandmothers! Not that mine aren't...great...but I never really learned much.

I did learn from my great-grandmother though. She led a beautiful example of kindness. She truly did.

ad_lucem
01-29-2010, 08:24 PM
One of my grandma's tried to shoot my grandpa with a shotgun (missed, though). But, hey, that's Texas for you.

jodiodi
01-29-2010, 08:55 PM
Though she wasn't my grandmother, my Aunt Becky (wife of my maternal grandmother's brother) was a very sweet and proper lady. Later, after she died, I found out she and Uncle Adrian had been down at their house in Florida when the FBI had a shoot-out with Ma Barker and her gang next door. They shot at Aunt Becky because they thought she was Ma Barker.