Question for men and women: politics and love

Michael Davis · Jan 19, 2010

Have a question for both men and women, and it does relate to a book I'm writing so here goes:

Political views run so deep in some people that it affects the way they approach life and relationships. Assume you're not in the middle of the spectrum, rather on the clear left or clear right. If you came upon someone of the opposite gender that you were attracted to beyond just physical, if after several meetings you discover they are polar opposite to you politically, would that kill your interest in them beyond the physical?

In the discussion with a few author friends it was split with half saying, "No way would I.." and half stated, "Wouldn't matter". Not sure whether the later just wanted to feel they were that open minded, were kidding themselves, or were open to the possibility. Could also depend on how far the individuals swing left or right. I know with my brother in law, he's slightly right while his wife is far left yet they have been married for 20 years.

So, bottomline, assume your views swing far right or left and the other person is a polar opposite, would you approach/risk a long term relationship or not.

Thanx

Celia Cyanide · Jan 19, 2010

No, I would not. But then, when I was single, I wasn't very into dating, so I was super picky.

Amarie · Jan 19, 2010

I wouldn't, but clearly some people do. Mary Matalin and James Carville are the perfect example.

raburrell · Jan 19, 2010

The few times I ever 'dated out', politically speaking, the guys ended up having a host of other issues that made the relationships not work.

Correlation or causation? We report, you decide :tongue

Mr Flibble · Jan 19, 2010

Yup, absolutely. I mean, I'm married to someone of a completely different religion, so politics would be a doddle...

KTC · Jan 19, 2010

Being a-political, I couldn't possibly imagine this even from a 'what-if' standpoint. My wife and I are both firmly and staunchly a-political. We'd rather ingest razorblades than take on political discussion...so my answer would be that it wouldn't work out. Whether you're right/left or indifferent...I think a relationship would be more solid if the other person shared your views. I know I'd never pair with someone who was political. I don't know why that logic wouldn't also work with both ends of the political spectrum. But I could be wrong.

Alpha Echo · Jan 19, 2010

IdiotsRUs said:
Yup, absolutely. I mean, I'm married to someone of a completely different religion, so politics would be a doddle...

This. My SO isn't exactly a different religion, but we have some very different religious beliefs. As long as we both respect each other and each other's opinions, which we do, we're good.

MAP · Jan 19, 2010

IdiotsRUs said:
Yup, absolutely. I mean, I'm married to someone of a completely different religion, so politics would be a doddle...

Same here. There are a many political differences between us as well (the last presidential election, we cancelled out each others votes), and we also are different races. Yet we have been married for almost twelve years and have two kids.

It is all about respect and love.

Jamesaritchie · Jan 19, 2010

Melia said:
I wouldn't, but clearly some people do. Mary Matalin and James Carville are the perfect example.

Well, one's a republican and one is a democrat, but both are liberals.

Jamesaritchie · Jan 19, 2010

There's no way I could have a romantic relationship with someone who's my political opposite. And why on earth would I want to?

Kitty Pryde · Jan 19, 2010

I couldn't do it. I'm too passionate about my political beliefs. My partner and I are both extremely lefty left left, and we still get into arguments about political type stuff sometimes. Also, gay republicans are very sad creatures, like cows who work in butcher shops or something.

My best friend is very far left, and her boyfriend/practically husband is fairly far right. They've been together for a decade and they're still going strong. It slightly boggles my mind, and I've asked her about it before, but she always says it works and that they have very reasonable discussions about politics. If he's saying stuff that bothers her, she just won't talk about that particular subject. It helps that they are both super mellow and level headed people, and not likely to have passionate arguments about anything ever.

Linda Adams · Jan 19, 2010

It would really depend on the individual and his reactions to the political side. I had a friend whom I am now keeping at arm's length who tended to turn any political issue into a major fight. He knew I didn't share the same viewpoints he did, so he used it pick fights. I'd make an innocent comment and suddenly I'd end up with him ranting at me over some issue, and I'm sitting here thinking, "What'd I say?" He even tried picking a fight with me because I subscribe to both a liberal and a conservative newspaper. By the way, it wasn't just me--he had a relative the opposite of his viewpoint and would have the same types of fights.

Agreeing to disagree is fine, but getting nasty because the other person doesn't see your way is a huge problem.

StephanieFox · Jan 19, 2010

I'd find it easier to marry someone of another religion (or someone with strong religious beliefs since I'm pretty much a Jewish Pagan Atheist) than someone whose political views were on the far right.

This is because my liberal views are strongly aligned with my ethics and the far right has a view quite the opposite. (I'm not talking moderate right-wing here.) My lefty idea is that we're all in this together. The far right's attitude is more, I've got mine and I'm keeping it. This applies even more to the social conservatives who think that women should stay in the kitchen and that god hates fags.

So, no. No sugar for right-wingers from me.

Pepper · Jan 19, 2010

I think it depends on the person, not the belief.

I'm married to a man who shares all my beliefs on everything, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My parents have been happily married my whole life, and show no signs of that ever changing. When they were first married, they shared beliefs. When mum was pregnant with me, she changed religion. Though my dad was initially opposed to her new stance, he realised that her different beliefs hadn't made her a worse person, and got used to the idea. They are still polar opposites when it comes to those beliefs, but they still hold high respect and love for each other.

So again, I think it depends on the person. How stubborn are your characters? How willing are they to overlook the beliefs of a person? Would dating someone of an opposite belief break their moral code? Go against everything they were brought up to believe? If not, have them date whoever they please.

backslashbaby · Jan 19, 2010

If it actually affects their moral choices, it makes a huge difference to me. There are different reasons people have the views they do, and if their belief in people is far different from mine, it affects a lot that is important to me, yes.

If they believe their beliefs will get us all to the same place, I might think they are wrong. That's cool. And very different than the first scenario.

Ex: I don't want my taxes helping the poor because they are all good-for-nothing losers.

Not OK at all.

'I think that XXX program is only a temporary fix and doesn't get to the root of the problem, so I don't agree with spending taxes on it."

Cool. Even if I disagree.

MAP · Jan 19, 2010

backslashbaby said:
If it actually affects their moral choices, it makes a huge difference to me. There are different reasons people have the views they do, and if their belief in people is far different from mine, it affects a lot that is important to me, yes.

If they believe their beliefs will get us all to the same place, I might think they are wrong. That's cool. And very different than the first scenario.

Ex: I don't want my taxes helping the poor because they are all good-for-nothing losers.

Not OK at all.

'I think that XXX program is only a temporary fix and doesn't get to the root of the problem, so I don't agree with spending taxes on it."

Cool. Even if I disagree.

Exactly, you don't have to have the same political views or the same religion to have the same moral values. I think it would be very difficult if your moral values didn't align since these will affect your daily life. But it is interesting to be with someone who has different ideas and views on life then you. Someone who challenges you (in a good way) and makes you think.

JimmyB27 · Jan 20, 2010

KTC said:
Being a-political, I couldn't possibly imagine this even from a 'what-if' standpoint.

Same here, though I am pretty certain I'd find it very difficult indeed to have a relationship with someone religious (which is along the same lines in many ways).
ETA: Now I think of it, my a-theism is very similair to my a-politicism, so I'd probably have trouble with someone with a very strong political point of view.

Alpha Echo · Jan 20, 2010

Pepper said:
I think it depends on the person, not the belief.

I'm married to a man who shares all my beliefs on everything, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My parents have been happily married my whole life, and show no signs of that ever changing. When they were first married, they shared beliefs. When mum was pregnant with me, she changed religion. Though my dad was initially opposed to her new stance, he realised that her different beliefs hadn't made her a worse person, and got used to the idea. They are still polar opposites when it comes to those beliefs, but they still hold high respect and love for each other.

So again, I think it depends on the person. How stubborn are your characters? How willing are they to overlook the beliefs of a person? Would dating someone of an opposite belief break their moral code? Go against everything they were brought up to believe? If not, have them date whoever they please.

You've brought up a really important point, I think.

As I mentioned, my SO and I differ pretty greatly on some religious aspects. But we are both pisces, which I honestly think helps us. We are both calm and level-headed, we don't like confrontation, but at the same time we don't look for it. When religious or political stuff comes up on which we disagree, we talk about it. We both listen to what the other has to say and keep our minds open and respect the other's opinions. It's just not an issue.

But if I'm talking about my ex-husband, that's a totally different story. He always had to be right and have control of the situation, conversation, and the people around him. When my thoughts and ideas clashed with his, it was all out war (until he broke me down so far I gave up and found it easier to just agree.)

Gary · Jan 20, 2010

It wouldn't work for us, but we have married friends who don't have a problem with their political differences.

the addster · Jan 20, 2010

My parents were on opposite ends of the political scale. It worked for them, they've been married for 45 years. I grew up thinking that lively political discussions were the norm. I married a man who's politics are very close to mine, dinner is always much calmer, but less interesting than at my folks house.

I think I probably could have become involved with a man with different political views, it just didn't happen.

Rhoda Nightingale · Jan 20, 2010

Extremists of any flavor are a deal-breaker for me. If I start dating someone who's clearly very adamant about a particular lobbying group, or religion, or political standpoint, I'd just back away slowly. I admire passion in people, so that's not what I mean, but the really hard-core flag-wavers and rally-starters freak me out.

It depends on your characters. When you say "very clear left" or "very clear right," I got the impression you meant extremists. If that's the case, there's no way it'd work out.

JulieHowe · Jan 20, 2010

Personally I'm a moderate Democrat, and I'd prefer a husband who was more politically conservative. For me, marrying someone with my same political ideals would be like two spenders marrying each other.

PortableHal · Jan 20, 2010

It also depends on whether the other person is an activist or not. If she doesn't march in rallies, doesn't tithe 15% to the other party, doesn't insist on viewing a polarizing news channel every evening (MSNBC, FOX, your call) -- in other words, if she's the typical American, I could make it work.

Assuming, of course, that she likes BUFFY and SUPERNATURAL.

sunandshadow · Jan 20, 2010

PortableHal said:
It also depends on whether the other person is an activist or not. If she doesn't march in rallies, doesn't tithe 15% to the other party, doesn't insist on viewing a polarizing news channel every evening (MSNBC, FOX, your call) -- in other words, if she's the typical American, I could make it work.

Assuming, of course, that she likes BUFFY and SUPERNATURAL.

That's pretty much what I was thinking - I have no problem interacting with people I know have totally different beliefs as long as they don't think my beliefs make me inferior, don't insist on talking to me about their beliefs, and don't work actively for something I think is a terrible idea. That said, I do not and will never date christians. But that's because christians believe 1. non-christians will go to hell and 2. it's their duty to convert others to christianity, so that's basically incompatible with the criteria I just listed.

Rowan · Jan 20, 2010

Michael Davis said:
Have a question for both men and women, and it does relate to a book I'm writing so here goes:

Political views run so deep in some people that it affects the way they approach life and relationships. Assume you're not in the middle of the spectrum, rather on the clear left or clear right. If you came upon someone of the opposite gender that you were attracted to beyond just physical, if after several meetings you discover they are polar opposite to you politically, would that kill your interest in them beyond the physical?

In the discussion with a few author friends it was split with half saying, "No way would I.." and half stated, "Wouldn't matter". Not sure whether the later just wanted to feel they were that open minded, were kidding themselves, or were open to the possibility. Could also depend on how far the individuals swing left or right. I know with my brother in law, he's slightly right while his wife is far left yet they have been married for 20 years.

So, bottomline, assume your views swing far right or left and the other person is a polar opposite, would you approach/risk a long term relationship or not.

Thanx

For me personally (and because you said beyond the physical)--no, wouldn't work. I've gotten into fights with good friends over politics. To explain: these particular friends are ardent Obama supporters and took anything negative said about the man as a personal freaking insult. It reminded me of a cult and that doesn't work for me. These same friends had no problem bashing my party/views and I could care less. But as for a long-term relationship w/someone who didn't share my core values, beliefs, etc.? Not going to happen....... been there, done that and it wasn't pretty. Love doesn't conquer all!

Having said that and because others brought up religion/spirituality, I think it's all about balance, etc.... I'm a pagan and I've dated Christians but the key is they weren't out to convert me nor did they preach to me, etc. That's something I won't tolerate--being told I'm wrong because I hold a differing viewpoint or belief system. It worked because it was a relationship of mutual respect. That doesn't seem to work when politics are involved........ :Shrug:

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