What am I doing wrong with this query???

In my all-too-humble opinion, that's a pretty good query. I would be a little cautious about having it sound like 'bitch career woman learns how to be a real woman (i.e. spouse and Mommy). I presume she continues her career?

"A top talent agent?" What type of talent? Music? Acting? American freakin' Idol? I'm vague on what a "top talent agent" is or what they do.

This graph has a few problems: As her pregnancy progresses, Jules's life falls apart quicker than pee drying on a pregnancy test strip. Her job is suddenly threatened; her relationship with Eric falls apart, and her agreement with her friend goes haywire when his family starts planning a shotgun wedding.

"Jules's life falls apart quicker than pee drying on a pregnancy test strip." Ew. That metaphor just doesn't work for me. Neither does the mental image.

"...her relationship with Eric falls apart.." Gee...things sure are falling apart around Jules. First her life and now her relationship. I'd find another phrase than "fall apart" in the second sentence.

I'm uncertain what is the difference betwen the gay friends of Jules and the friend who is using her as a front to hide his sexual orientation. If he is using her as a front, then isn't he already lying to his ultra-conservative parents?

If a "shotgun wedding" is by definition spontaneous and unplanned, how do you plan a shotgun wedding?

For some reason I'm getting in my mind the script for a Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock romantic comedy. That may make your concept familiar, but not unique. What's the secret sauce that makes it your creation?

It needs a hook that isn't in this query. Perhaps you could provide an exchange of dialogue between characters that demonstrates the wit and humor of the book?

Perhaps this would be better directed to "Ask the Agent" but I doubt you can craft a query that makes it sound like they MUST represent you. I'd aim my sights to getting an agent to say, "I WANT to represent you."

I agree with pretty much everything nighttimer says - some cleaning up, etc. I don't think making it sound like chick flick is bad, though and the cynic in me says sounding familiar but not unique might be a good thing then I hasten to add - it's a lot like the TV show Accidentally on Purpose

Now, get out your salt shaker cuz this opinion needs a grain or two...
BUT

First, the title seems great BUT it stops the reader. It's going to immediately turn a certain percentage off because they assume it means an unlikable heroine or something like that. Maybe a different title and you can bring up the one you want later - titles are usually disposable to editors but a good or bad one at the query stage can mean the difference between a read or a pass

You have positioned this as Women's Fiction but it's really trying to walk the line between Chick Lit (I know we don't use that term but that's the easiest way to make my point) and Romance (with a big R) - not saying that's bad saying an agent reads this and thinks - this writer isn't being upfront/realistic/whatever about what she's writing. Personally I think you need to come down on one side or the other - probably chick lit since she isn't preggo by the romantic hero.

You need to check around and see who is still doing this stuff and what they are calling it.

One more thought: The must read v want to read is important but never underestimate the power of the "I'd enjoy working with this writer".
I always add a bit of myself in a query and include that I am open to ideas, input, or however you want to put it. I'd add a line about why you are aiming at a certain agent and background on the book - a line tops.

On the whole it's a tight, well written pitch that needs to be brought into sharper focus.

and as for the agent hunt in general - I left my agent of 14 yrs this year and went looking and it is BRUTAL out there. Not getting answers or getting rejections will be the norm for most writers so this stage becomes more important.

annie jones

Hi Bella...

I think even though you *call* it "contemporary women's fiction", you admit yourself that it's chick lit - which the query definitely sounds like. Chick Lit, unfortunately, is not a genre that a lot of agents are actively acquiring in, which is likely why you haven't gotten more of a positive response. I've heard of something called "Women's Lit" (NOT the same as "Women's Fiction") which some people suggest might be taking over the Chick Lit niche, but that's more about women in their 30s going through the whole "I'm dissatisfied with my life/marriage/mother role so what am I gonna do about it...?" angst. I'm not sure that would fit your novel either though.

I think, as someone else already mentioned, you need to emphasize what makes this book absolutely unique. You say it hasn't been done before, so stress HOW. What makes your book different?

On a totally personal note, I'm not crazy about the title and what it suggests overall about career women. I'm married and in my mid-30s, with a full-time teaching career and no children by choice. To me this query (and the book) suggest that a career woman who focuses on herself is a "bitch" and that only by experiencing motherhood can she be truly fulfilled and turned into a "real woman." That might be your underlying theme, but it's one that's been emphasized many times in books/movies/the media as a whole over the last decade, and be aware that you may turn off some readers in your intended audience as a result.

Just my 2 cents!! Hope others will pop in here as well to chime in

You've gotten good advice here. I also suggest posting the query in QLH, where people spend their time waiting for fresh query meat.

I agree, it sounds like chick or hen lit. Woman fiction is much ... softer and sympathetically familty focussed.

I also just realised that you do not give the heroines age, I think this would help bring it into focuss.

Bella D'Ball said:

oh, and what is QLH? I guess I didn't see anything in the forums regarding Queries-perhaps I overlooked it? Thank you SO MUCH for your help!!!!

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The Share Your Work section of the board has a query letter crit section aptly named Query Letter Hell. The password to access is vista.

Bella D'Ball said:

what is QLH?

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QLH = Query Letter Hell

If you haven't visited the SYW (Share Your Work) threads, do it! You can learn a tremendous amount there just by reading other people's excerpts or queries and the responses to them.

For an even deeper experience, try critiquing or posting your own work--just be aware that critiquers, in general, don't hold much back. And they shouldn't. Constructive criticism filled with "I didn't like this sentence, the flow was off, and, by the way, you mispelled 'the'," is a lot more helpful than "I liked it" when you're looking for ways to improve.

If I were looking at this to acquire it and/or represent it, I'd be asking myself the following questions:

1. Where is the baby's father? The query is worded as though Jules wants to intentionally keep him out of this. If there's a good reason, fine. If not, that can be off-putting to a reader.

2. Why are her gay friends questioning her morals? Are they dismayed she's HAVING a baby? That she had sex with a man to get pregnant? Is Jules gay?

3. This: "Jules is torn between her growing love for Eric and her obligation to find the father of her child." is confusing. Why are the two items a conflict? She's in love, he's male and she's is looking for a father. Is the conflict that he doesn't WANT to be a father?

4. The friend hiding from his family also confused me. Is he gay and hiding? If so, has he told people he's the father? Had he actually agreed to raise it, or just mouth the right words to the public to get them both out of a scrape? Why would either of them agree to a wedding despite the family's insistence?

I also agree with the specific wording issues and questions about genre from the others. Ultimately, I think you've got a rich story inside here but it "feels" shallow through this query. I think a little more depth could benefit it.

I think that's a really strong query - I read it from beginning to end out of interest, not obligation. A couple thoughts that you can take or leave as you will:

- I like Bitch, Interrupted a lot as a title. Catchy and memorable.

- Leave out the last sentence of the query. They don't need to know about all the other novels you didn't sell. Hee.

- Find a new phrase to describe Eric besides "carpenter at a bookstore". You need to describe him in a way that's meaningful and insightful. My guess is he's nothing like anyone from her old life; you might want to play that up.

- You dropped the period after "ulitmately wants to be".

Good luck, because this sounds great to me! :0)

I like this new version a LOT better. It focuses on her internal struggles and conflicts and what she's going to go, rather than what's imposed upon her that she is merely reacting to.

A couple of minor typos to correct, but I'd also ask to see more of this.

Good luck!

Bella D'Ball said:

OK, so I've thought about it, and I've decided to go about it from a different angle-does this answer the initial questions everyone had? Is this catchy enough? I'd hate it to be the dreaded hen lit-I'd like to think this stands out, have I made my point? Also, i changed the name temporarily-is this better?

It's a long fall when you're at the top and you only have nine months to soften the landing

Standing at the crossroads of who she usd to be, and who she wants to be, Jules Baxter finds herself unsure of what to do. ALONG THE WAY explores the life of Chicago's most formative thirty something Music Agent at the cusp of her life. A sharp tongued man-eater in designer stilettos, Jules is glamorous, popular, and successful until she is suddenly pregnant afer one of her many sexcapades.

As she comes to terms with the pregnancy and her crumbling social circle, she meets Eric McAllister, a carpenter at a bookstore. This chance encounter blooms into an unexpected relationship. Jules's pretentious views on life begin to shift, as her priorities begin to take shape.

She soon comes to find that old habits die hard. Her friends, her job and new relationship eventually give up on her. Alone, Jules is forced to reach deep inside her heart to find who she ultimately wants to be

Thank you very much for your time and consideration. ALONG THE WAY is my first completed work of contemporary women’s fiction at 75,000 words. Articles of mine have been published on associatedcontent.com; I currently write a blog: sevanastone.blogspot.com, and I have written various pieces utilized in marketing products. Although this is my first venture in publishing a novel, it is not the first I have written; it is the first I feel is strongest and most commercial.

I would be happy to send you sample chapters or the complete manuscript at your request. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

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Your query proves yet again that everything can be improved by a rewrite. It gets to the points quicker and it's punchier. Whatever "punchier" means...

I am glad you said the new title was just temporary. Respectfully, I differ with L.Jones about, Bitch, Interrupted. I think it's a great title. Oh, sure someone will take offense at it, but shouldn't art shock and occasionally offend as well as entertain.

Look at it this way: if you were walking through a store and you were browsing looking at the spine of the book which title would grab your attention? Bitch, Interrupted does. Along the Way sounds like the name of an old movie starring Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney.

Let me give you another example of why you should go with your original title (unless your agent or publisher tells you differently). You may not be a jazz fan, but you probably have heard of the trumpter Miles Davis. When he abandoned acoustic music for the jazz-rock of Bitches Brew, it wasn't just the music that was challenging. The title itself was too.

August of 1969 marked Miles Davis’ boldest venture yet into undiscovered country. This time there was no more holding back, no more tentative experimentation, no more “walking on eggshells.” The album that emerged, Bitches Brew, was groundbreaking, beginning with its stark title and Abdul Mati Klarwein’s memorable cover painting. Made on Miles’ personal invitation, Klarwein’s expressionistic work captured the zeitgeist of free love and flower power, depicting a naked black couple looking expectantly at an ocean, a huge vibrant, red flower beside them. The background of the title is unknown, but a clue is provided by the absence of an apostrophe at the end of the word “bitches,” making “brew” a verb, not a noun. Carlos Santana speculated that the album was a “tribute” to “the cosmic ladies” who surrounded Miles at the time and introduce him to some of the music, clothes, and attitudes of the ’60s counterculture.1 Gary Tomlinson, on the other hand, assumed that “bitches” referred to the musicians themselves. Just like “motherfucker,” the term “bitch” can be used as an accolade in African-American vernacular. Whatever the title meant, it sounded provocative. Teo Macero remarked, “The word ‘bitches,’ you know, probably that was the first time a title like that was ever used. The title fit the music, the cover fit the music



What I'm saying is while as fellow writers we are happy to offer our advice and make suggestions that are hopefully helpful. However, there are times when you must politely say "thank you" to everyone's words of wisdom and go do whatever the hell you think is right.

While we all long for commercial success, don't lose sight of the fact that you are engaged in an artistic endeavor as well and art isn't created by committees. Follow your own vision if it seems true and don't allow even well-meant suggestions to make you stray from the path.

Monkey said:

QLH = Query Letter Hell

If you haven't visited the SYW (Share Your Work) threads, do it! You can learn a tremendous amount there just by reading other people's excerpts or queries and the responses to them.

For an even deeper experience, try critiquing or posting your own work--just be aware that critiquers, in general, don't hold much back. And they shouldn't. Constructive criticism filled with "I didn't like this sentence, the flow was off, and, by the way, you mispelled 'the'," is a lot more helpful than "I liked it" when you're looking for ways to improve.

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Post it in QLH for more help.

Love the new query. A world of difference in a few words - the shout line is great.

I actually Like the title myself. Like it more than the new one. BUT it is divisive, and you're trying to win people over and well, to be blunt, it sounds a bit dated. Bitch title books were pretty popular a few years ago.

One solution is to qualify: Bitch, Interrupted (working title) so they know you know it might be an issue and is changeable. Or, you could go with Diva, Interrupted or something that won't make an agent stop and possibly think - hey she thinks agents have to be bitches to by top notch and they need to make babies to be happy?

just sayin'

Bitch, Interrupted is clearly a Chick Lit title. Your queries seem to be for two different novels here- one's your typical chick lit, the other's a cuddly women's fiction book.

Falls aren't long, so I don't really think:
'It's a long fall when you're at the top and you only have nine months to soften the landing' works. The time you have to get over the landing has nothing to do with the fall. Could rephrase the line better, I think- it is catchy but in a shallow sort of way.

'her many sexcapades'. Your protagonist is coming off as a bit of a silly whore here; she got pregnant because she was stupid, basically. And we wouldn't expect someone who has 'sexcapades' to have 'pretentious' views on life.
Hone down the focus even more.