Need a male perspective

Canotila said:

I'm finding the character I'm writing is thinking about them a lot, but then the paranoid part of me wonders if I'm not just turning him into a chick with extra body parts. Help!

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It varies from person to person. My advice would be to just finish writing and then look back. Doing some research on soldiers (if you haven't already) might help. I've never been a soldier, but I can't imagine NOT thinking about my family far away. There has to be a balance, though, between being in the moment (especially when fighting) and remembering them. If all he does is stare into space and wonder about them, he's going to get shot. Don't be afraid to make him emotional. Men are much more emotional then they pretend to be.

Just my two cents. Good luck!

Canotila said:

An example of a situation similar to what I'm writing would be a man that is engaged to his sweetheart, she's pregnant, and he's deployed into a combat zone overseas and might not live to see her again. Also, no technology for easy communication.

When does he think about them? Lying in a sleeping bag at night trying to sleep? When he's getting shot at? (never been shot at before..so don't know anything) All the time? Hardly at all?

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I've been deployed in the military, though not in a combat zone. I thought about my wife during quiet times. Seeing kids, especially infants, would make me think of her. The usual: birthdays, anniversaries, things like that would remind me of her.

From discussions with my father, who was sent to a combat zone with a wife and family, he would think of us when he came back to base after a combat partol. You tend not to think of them during operations - there's too much going on.

My advice is to write reminiscing scenes with a light touch. It doesn't take much to create teh effect. "Catherine would have loved this," he thought. "Fred!" called the sergeant. "Stop that gazing around and report."

Canotila said:

I have to write a section from a male perspective, and wanted to double check with some men out there to see what would be most realistic. I tried asking my husband, but he just shrugs (that's how he deals with most of my writing related questions).

If a guy is sent away from his family, who he loves very much, how much time does he spend thinking about them?

An example of a situation similar to what I'm writing would be a man that is engaged to his sweetheart, she's pregnant, and he's deployed into a combat zone overseas and might not live to see her again. Also, no technology for easy communication.

When does he think about them? Lying in a sleeping bag at night trying to sleep? When he's getting shot at? (never been shot at before..so don't know anything) All the time? Hardly at all?

I'm finding the character I'm writing is thinking about them a lot, but then the paranoid part of me wonders if I'm not just turning him into a chick with extra body parts. Help!

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The bolded part is where you lost me.

Wayne K said:

The bolded part is where you lost me.

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Huh? I hope you mean that it was the grammar that lost you.

Lots.
I've heard it said that being in a war zone is 98% boredom and 2% terror, so he's got lots of time to think about her, how she is coping with the pregnancy, hoping she hasn't got distracted with someone else etc.

I was in a long distance relationship during my senior year of college. I spent a lot of time thinking about her while we were apart... I was almost obsessive about her. I imagine it would be even more so if she were pregnant.

waylander said:

Lots.
I've heard it said that being in a war zone is 98% boredom and 2% terror, so he's got lots of time to think about her, how she is coping with the pregnancy, hoping she hasn't got distracted with someone else etc.

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That's what the combat vets tell me, but consider: this will vary greatly depending on whom you are centering the story. A private? Lots of time on his hands, either doing nothing, or doing something that leaves the mind free to wander, like digging foxholes or filling sandbags.

The commander? He's NOT bored. He's doing all kinds of work, like coordinating the attack, defense, and logistics. Liason with the locals, handling the press. You get the idea. Even though I was not in a combat zone, I was running like crazy when I was out in the field.

Quite so.
Thank you for your amendment

In the middle of being shot at, you're only thinking about what needs to be done to survive.

At all other times, your thoughts are usually elsewhere, and family would certainly come to mind.

Anytime you see something that reminds you of home or your GF/wife, etc. will set off memories. Nighttime is the worst. When you try to get some sleep and all you can think about is getting home to be with them.
When you're busy, your mind is occupied with other things, and, at least for me, and my shipmates, we didn't daydream when we were supposed to be working or on watch. I was in the Navy, aboard ship. The rest of the crew depended on you doing your job. If you didn't, damn near anything (usually bad) could happen. Open the wrong valve, and you pump all your fuel into the ocean. (We did have a guy do that. He pumped 3/4's of our fuel overboard before someone noticed. He wasn't love-lorne, just stupid).

It isn't about being a male. It's about being an individual.

Canotila said:

I have to write a section from a male perspective, and wanted to double check with some men out there to see what would be most realistic. I tried asking my husband, but he just shrugs (that's how he deals with most of my writing related questions).

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Sometimes the best answer a husband can give a wife, without getting into trouble, is a shrug.

Canotila said:

If a guy is sent away from his family, who he loves very much, how much time does he spend thinking about them?

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All the time, at least in between getting grub, keeping your gear ready, and talking shit with your squad, and trying to get some sleep and not being killed by insurgents or walking assjacks leaders. Of course, you have to keep a stiff upper lip about it.

Canotila said:

An example of a situation
similar to what I'm writing would be a man that is engaged to his sweetheart, she's pregnant, and he's deployed into a combat zone overseas and might not live to see her again. Also, no technology for easy communication.

When does he think about them? Lying in a sleeping bag at night trying to sleep? When he's getting shot at? (never been shot at before..so don't know anything) All the time? Hardly at all?

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I spent a few years away from my wife and kids while in Iraq and the Stan. I thought about them everyday. Every night I'd say a prayer to them and when I could get to a terminal I'd post to them. It was like a breath of air to being able to speak to them....which was about once or twice a month for me.

I'd usually think about how I first met my wife and the fun times we had before kids....and then how life changed and the fun we had with kids and how our lives seemed empty without them and how hollow life felt without them...at least for me and how I may not see them again.

And how angry I was at not being able to be with them and how much of my life I was spending away from them and not being around as they grew. At how little control I had in being able to be with them because of stop-loss regs.

And then when I was injured at put into a field hospital and my wife freaking the f' out on not being able to get info.

Or how some fucktard hacked my account and told everyone I was dead and my freaked out when people started calling giving condolences.

and the STRESS!!!

Yeah....lots of stuff......and when you did get a break to go back home and see them..and the total heartbreaking crush when your told your unit is re-deploying because your specialists.........and then the angered arguments with your family when you break the news after having been home for just a few months.

So....you'd think about them alot. At least I did. Everyday.

Canotila said:

I'm finding the character I'm writing is thinking about them a lot, but then the paranoid part of me wonders if I'm not just turning him into a chick with extra body parts. Help!

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I can speak for my wife.......but she hated the powers that be during that time...read "guv-mint". She's an easy going woman and I've never seen her angry, except for when I've pulled a "dumb-ass" moment....but she hatted the powers that be to a point that is scared me.

I know that myself and the other family people used to think of the ones back in the real world alot. A photo of them keep within our chest plates. Close to the heart and close enough to pull out if your hit and down....at least your last look would be upon them.

So...no...a chick with extra parts is no big. Only those full of s' and the pyscho's would think along these lines.

But, I'm an old man compared to the young bucks and buckettes filling the ranks nowdays. Twice as old ,and worn as they are.

It really is an individual thing, I have known guys in the military who have pined for their family every day and other who don't appear to give a damn but love their families just as much.

It would also depend upon setting as well. On deployments now soldiers usually have ready access to phones, internet and dvd's from home. Whereas 25 plus years ago contact in the field was harder or nigh on impossible because the technology wasn't available and the commanders mindset on troop welfare was totally different.

Another consideration would depend upon the type of unit the sodier? was posted to. A combat arms soldier would usually have less access and time to contact home than say a soldier who was involved in the rear echelon.

From personal experience the times I tended to miss my family was when I was on gun picquet (sentry duty) at night, all you have time for then is to think. As stated before soldiers have an awful lot of downtime in the field and this can lead to thoughts from home. What gets most guys through this is their mates and buddies, brothers-in arms. In the field in combat and non-combat situations these guys become your family.

Hope this helps a little.

Smiling Ted said:

It isn't about being a male. It's about being an individual.

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Ted's got it. The soldiers who have answered you here have made some great comments, and if you look around and find some books that have collected personal combat narratives or letters, you'll see that the difference is more individual than it is masculine or feminine.

Letters of German soldiers, reprinted from WWII, show a wide range of feelings and attitudes: from the stern officer ordering his wife to show courage, to the astronomer-turned-weather observer describing the stars to his girl back home in words so lonely that it makes me want to cry for them both.

Further, if you look at Romantic literature, you'll find that many of the great poets and writers from that era have been men.

P.S. For a soldier's poetry from the English Civil War period, look up Richard Lovelace: To Althea From Prison.

It's highly individual. I'm sure that whatever you decide on will be realistic. I think it's how we act when we think about our family that sets us apart from women, not the intensity. When I think of my wife from distance I get a vacant look about me and a smile on my face as my mind trails off. Happens several times a day. This happens regardless if I'm with my pals or not.