So scared....

Not necessarily. People tend to forget bisexuality.

But I'm uncomfortable talking about that kind of thing here. I don't know how old you are, where you live, what your area is like.

I would suggest looking up a qltbag-organisation in your area for someone to talk to in real life. If for no other reason than coming in contact with other people like you.

Sexuality isn't an either/or situation - it's a spectrum that ranges from straight to gay and everything in between. Don't be scared, it's not a 'wrong' or abnormal reaction. As Max recommends, find out more - you are by no means weird.

I went through something like this. You can talk to me if you want.

Nachonaco it just means you have a friend you love. It might mean more; it might not.

But it's good to love, even if it's never expressed sexually, even if the other person isn't aware. It's still love.

Do find someone near you--I'd suggest your college, personally, and not just a student, but an older person at a QLTBAG organization--that you can talk to.

Just be open and aware that life is change, and flux, and love is a good thing with all sorts of potential.

You might want to sort out your feelings for a while before mentioning it to her.

If it helps, I'd be flattered But some friends can be freaked out, I think.

I wouldn't recommend telling her if she's straight. It might make things very awkward even if she's superficially comfortable with it. It also doesn't sound to me like you necessarily want to act on these feelings.

It's OK to have feelings you don't want act on. There's nothing to be afraid of. Maybe you are gay or bisexual, maybe not. Either way, it's not a bad or scary thing.

Project nachonaco said:

What complicates matters is, her ex-boyfriend seems to like me.

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Forget about him. He has nothing to do with this, unless you like him back.

Project nachonaco said:

The problem is, right now I feel like I'll hate myself if I keep it bottled up.

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That sounds to me like an unhealthy impulse. When you say you feel like you'll hate yourself if you keep this bottled up, do you mean that if you don't tell her you like her you'll hate yourself, or do you mean if you don't tell anybody you like another girl you'll hate yourself?

Project nachonaco said:

But I would feel very badly if I didn't take this chance.

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Oh. I see. So you do want to act on this and have a relationship with this girl. Well that is another animal entirely.

Do you think there is any chance she might be gay or bisexual?

Project nachonaco said:

I don't know, and I don't know how to find out.

I'm still very scared....

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If you're as scared and confused as all that then maybe it's not wise to act on this just yet. Consider the very real possibility that this could affect your friendship. How would that make you feel?

It's difficult to make sense out of your situation because we know so little about it.

I think I shall go with the smarter posters and suggest you consider talking to a counselor or somebody from a nearby gay/lesbian organization who can go into this with you on a deeper level. If you're in college the campus should have some resources available.

hmmm see I have been in that situation, only on the friend's side (and it took me a long time to realise that I wasn't straight, at that point I was still pretty much entrenched in the idea that girls were icky), and I kinda wish she'd said something earlier, as we only worked out our real feelings for each other long after it was too late to do anything about it.

We're still bffs but yeah...just looking at it from the other side, i wish she'd... I dunno, gotten me nicely smashed and then told me.

Just a word of advice, if a friend develops into a crush - consider how much the friendship means to you as satisfying the needs for a friend as opposed to a lover. There comes a real risk of losing a friendship by moving them towards lover territory. But if you are prepared to lose that friendship for the chance that she might reciprocate, then there is not much I can do that will stop you.

There is not much advice we can give about this particular friend because we don't know her.

However, let me tell you this. There will be others where upon meeting them there will not be that question, that there will be the mutual spark to start a relationship from the get-go. Without the whole drama of "pining after the straight girl."

Project nachonaco said:

Is there any way I can find out if she supports GLBT?

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If by this you mean is there any way you can find out if she's interested in exploring same-sex love, you can ask without letting her know you're interested in her.

Project nachonaco said:

How long should I give it?

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You give it as long as you need to give it to make your mind up for sure one way or the other.

I'm going to rescind some of my earlier posts because I'm now getting the feeling that you've already decided to go ahead with this. If that's the case then I suppose there is no need to wait. You might as well get on it if you've already made up your mind.

Although if you're feeling very scared and confused I still think at least talking to a school counselor or somebody in the LGBT community isn't a bad idea. Check your school, they probably have clubs or support groups. Just to make sure you're not acting out something irrational and that you know what you're doing.

MacAllister said:

Umm, you can and should take the time to get to know her a LOT better without pushing the idea of a romantic/sexual relationship, if you don't know how she feels about LGBT stuff, even.

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Oh Hai THIS.


And there are great ways to open up this kind of discussion without pushing anything. Rec/watch a film or book with lesbian/bisexual characters and see how she reacts?

Yeah, I'd suggest that you do what these fine people have said. I went through a similar thing, and I ended up with a friend that was also bisexual and we came out to one another at the same time and there was incredibly awkward sex...

So, I suggest that you be careful...but don't be so careful you wrap up in a cocoon and never try anything.

Its a balancing act...but for now, err on the side of caution. And don't beat yourself up about it: While you figure out the feelings, you still have a friend.

And friends are *always* good.

....except for when they are not.

I know it's frustrating, but in my experience, sharing those feelings doesn't really help unless the other person has the same feelings or directly asks about it. (It's also better to explain than to just shun someone because the unrequited affection hurts too much, but don't expect a miraculous change of heart on their end.)

You're probably not gay. You might be bisexual, but if you're mostly interested in men, you're probably straight with incidental or occasional interest in the same sex. (There's a wide spectrum of sexuality.)

Sometimes straight people find themselves attracted to a single person of the same sex, and sometimes gay people find themselves attracted to a single person of the opposite sex. In general, this doesn't reflect on your overall orientation; you're probably not bisexual unless you like women other than her.

If you think you are bisexual, I'd recommend dating women that you know are interested and who aren't already your close friends. (And be honest if you're not sure about your orientation. Nobody likes to be an "experiment" without being told up front.)

*hugs* I know it sucks to have a crush on friends who don't swing that way. And it's totally cool to fantasize. And if you think she'll be okay with it, you can ask. But be prepared for some rejection, and make sure you're comfortable discussing this with her. Sounds like you're not sure how she'll take it right now, and it might be better to wait.

Ouch, I'm about to be the bad guy here. I'm going to tell you the same advice I'd give someone in your situation whether it was a guy or a girl. It sounds more like infatuation to me, which is really easy to confuse with love. It's basically sexual, romantic feelings. Love is a lot, lot more than that. And of course there are many, many kinds of love. You're young and you're still sorting all of these things out.

It just sounds to me like you don't really know a whole lot about her. You say it's a friend and that's cool, but I think it's a good idea to get to know her better before you consider really pursuing anything. Also, really look at the feelings you're having and ask yourself what they are. Is it purely physical? Is it something about her? Her personality?

There are real difficulties in having relationships with friends. One is that your friend may not feel the same way, and that makes things incredibly awkward. If you have a friend who is very open-minded and you can have a good, clear-headed talk about it that's okay. If she can say, "I'm not interested but I'd still like to be friends," and you both just agree that's the end of it, it's possible to still have a friendship. The problem is that it's not all that uncommon for it just to turn the whole thing into awkwardness and having one friend questioning the other's motives, etc. It adds a whole level of things that make things complicated and make it harder to keep the friendship working.

On the other hand is the opposite problem, one where you hit it off and actually go out for a few months and then break up. It's incredibly difficult to keep a friendship going after that.

I've been in both of these situations and lost good friendships before as a result, and I've known people who have as well. I'm not saying that it would never work, and in fact some of the best relationships start as friendships. Actually, my pseudo-boyfriend (long story) and I actually started out as friends while he was seeing someone else, and awhile after they broke up we started going out. That's still one of the best relationships I have, friendship or otherwise.

What I am saying is to be careful and be very aware of what you stand to lose if you do go for it. I've tended to be someone to err on the side of caution and choose to be friends. Sort out your feelings first and get to know her better. If you reach a point later on when you really feel like a relationship can work out, and you still have feelings for her, then you can think about taking it to the next step. I just think it's best to be cautious and not rush things through because you could lose a friend if you do.

Oh, and just read the other thread. Some additional thoughts, assuming some of that was right.

If you're sixteen, you're more likely to have brief but intense crushes that won't pan out.

EDIT: Oops, just reread your thread. Missed the part where you specified that it was two different girls. Okay, there might be something there. Still, they're probably just crushes, but you might be somewhat bisexual or between straight and bisexual. It's no big deal, and nothing to be scared of. Your generation (if you are sixteen, as someone said) is generally more accepting, especially of bisexual girls. Just think of it as having more options.

Whether you're straight, gay, or bisexual, you'll find that you'll have a lot of frustrating, unrequited crushes throughout your life. But you'll probably also have a lot of opportunities for rewarding relationships, or at least good friendships.

First of all, stop being scared.

Honestly, there's nothing to be frightened of. So stop it.

If you're friends with this girl, there should be no problem asking her if she considers herself straight/bi/what-have-you. If she freaks out and thinks you're weird, she's probably not someone you would want to have a relationship with anyways.

I can't tell you if want you're feeling is love, or infatuation, or friendship. Just because you believe you're in love with this girl does not necessarily make you gay, but you're probably not totally straight, either.

Take a break from putting so much pressure on this. I know it feels like she's all you can think about, and all you want to think about, but if you are entirely focused on these feelings, you won't be able to see clearly. Do not act on your emotions right now. Think about something else for a while, and, when you can approach this matter calmly, figure out what you're going to do, and do it. If you accidentally ruin your friendship, remember--it's not the end of the world. There are lots of other people you are going to love.

d&f.