God have mercy on me (AKA Max watches the Star Wars Holiday Special)

This is it, I am not in the mood for watching Seven Samurais on TCM nor a rerun of 30 Rock and I have the Star Wars Holiday Special resting on my computer (please don't rat me off with George Lucas), wish me luck and I shall give you my firsthand expirience of such infamous cosmic horror.

The King in Y... I mean... Star Wars Holiday Special, here I go!

Alright, 40 minutes in and every 20 minutes I must stop it since it's torture if you apply it too hard to the subject it can die; so far I have seen:

Chewy's family, apparently Chewy's father is the Redd Foxx of Wookies and Chewy's wife suffers from the Ms. Pac-Man Syndrome (you can tell she's a she since she wears an apron).
Conspicously redubbed scenes from A New Hope.
Ant Circus of Soleil.
Luke Skywalker talking us down as if we were 5 years old, you know, really slow and with a smile and doing crazy hijinks with R2D2.
Cooking show sketch too damn long where a man in drag plays a an alien cook with six arms (get it? 'Coz she's an Alien!).
Wookie porn, being watched by grandpa Chewey while "watching over" Chewey Jr.

Please kill me now.

An hour in and I first must add that I feel sorry for Jefferson Airplane, seriously, their music branded a time and a decade for the US but I lest that it's almost as a cautionary tale, sell out and you will end up being an hologram watched by Chewbacca's son.

There's also the Bobba Fett cartoon, which is the only interesting thing here but he doesn't do much, he says hi I am not a card carrying villain, then he betrays them, Chewy saves the day, blah, blah, blah. The animation itself is hideous and the characters are off model and not even the designs are consistant: Princess Leia looks a bit like if John K was trying to do some Anime, Luke looks kinda an extra from Bakshi's American Pop and Han Solo like if someone draw John Travolta playing tennis on the seashore, the rest was apparently done by Beavis and Butthead-era Mike Judge:

http://www.starwarsholidayspecial.com/photos/cartoon.htm

Shall keep you informed! May the force be with you (since she left me, force? more like farce)

Man in drag returned without the drag to do even lamer "comedy" (Haw haw, he's an android, that's why he speaks and acts funny) and now more footage from A New Hope (gosh, I wish I was watching it right now), half of the movie is made from those lame Christmas shows they broadcast in Christmas time with washed-up artists and blantant commercialism but IN SPACE. The whole thing makes me think this dialogue from Mission Hill (gosh, I wish I was watching it right now).

Andy: Is it me or is this movie insane?

Gwen: Maybe someone put drugs in the popcorn.

(Andy begins to eat the popcorn in handfuls)

Bea Arthur is going to sing, NOOOOO!!!!!

Before Bea sings, there's a needless life-robbing and even lamer comedy sketch by the same guy than before and then what happens? Bea Arthur sings the freakin' Cantina Song with a chorus of the drunkards of the Cantina including Greebo with lyrics about friendship. Yep. I have lost my freaking mind.

Only 15 minutes left.

5 minutes left, now Han Solo was smart enough to run away as soon as he dropped Chewey, now Chewey Jr. (Which I swear embodies everything you hate about the Ewoks) Gramps Chewey and Ma Chewey with Original Chewey wear purple robes, walk through the sky and... melt in the sun? Are kidnapped by Xenu? I suffer, you decide!

Now they end up in... some place, inside the moon? The Temple of Light? hell knows, there's a tree called The Tree of Life, so is it like Neon Genesis Evangelion then? Han was pulled back in and Leia look so stoned that she could be in a galaxy far, far away as far as I know.

Now she started to sing... and is the damn Star Wars theme slowed down! Han and Luke has a "when is this going to stop?" expression and we finish with more footage from the first movie, mocking at us as the bait we bit to see this piece of crap and it's over.


....


I feel so empty now.


I want to first apologize for the language but, this is shit. Crap. Fecal matter. Waste. It was food, Star Wars, and it was digested, sucked out any nutrients or flavor just to throw at our face a turd of what it was and it's one of those things you know nobody will like since the jokes are far too silly to make anyone older than 10 laugh and the adult problems and Wookie pr0n are far too boring or mature to kids to get and it's so slow-paced that our average kid will be watching How The Grinch Stole Christmas on the next channel in no time.

Is it riffable? If you survive the song you get a lof of fun with the fact that a third of a dialogue are Wookie groins from the Chewacca family (Do they have a surname or something?) but a lot of the routines are painfully done and the musical acts are just pitiful.

I feel dirty, I want to take a shower now. I hate myself so much.

No worries! I was considering to perhaps to edit this a bit and start a blog and using this as my first article...

If you're curious about the Holiday Special but don't want to see the thing complete for yourself (it's like looking at the sun, you end up blind and stupid) I recommend this review by the Nostalgia Critic.

And now, the traditional Life Day cheesy song (using the same music than the Star Wars orchestal music but much more slower):

We celebrate a day of peace,
a day of harmony,
a day of joy we all can share together joyously;
a day that takes us through the darkness,
a day that leads us into might,
a day that makes us want to celebrate the light;
a day that brings the promise that one day we'll be free...
to live,
to laugh,
to dream,
to grow,
to trust,
to love,
to be!

Now I must lay down, head is hurting from headbang.

Libbie said:

A BLESSED LIFE DAY TO YOU, MY FRIEND!

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Thank you, and may the force be with you!

Funny enough, reading about this special on Wookiepedia there's a Star Wars book where the Emperor Palpatine says, and I kid you not, "Bah, humbug" about Life Day...

dpaterso said:

"Neexta time, yousa picka weesa, meesa thinks."

-Derek

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Hai, Hai.