I'm arguing with this sentence. HELP!

CheekyWench · Dec 23, 2009

[FONT=&quot]His constant gambling and whoring left little for her interests.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]OK... Hack it up, people. I can't make it work.
His constant gambling and whoring left little to be interested in. (preposition hate.)
His constant gambling and whoring left little to hold her interest. (sigh)

:Headbang:

[/FONT]

kaitie · Dec 23, 2009

Left little to be desired?

NeuroFizz · Dec 23, 2009

His constant gambling and whoring left little for her interests.

Left little what? Time? Energy? Emotion? Money? Semen?

This is a very "telling" statement. Can you make this obvious in the acted-out interactions between the two characters without just out-and-out telling the reader?

CaroGirl · Dec 23, 2009

Your sentence obviously needs a fundamental rework, considering Neuro didn't even see what you were getting at (unless, of course, it's me who's missing the point

).

How about going for a bit of (sarcastic) voice?

He gambled and hired hookers constantly. What more could a girl ask for in a guy?

No matter what, I think you have two sentences here, not one.

CheekyWench · Dec 23, 2009

NeuroFizz said:
His constant gambling and whoring left little for her interests.

Left little what? Time? Energy? Emotion? Money? Semen?

This is a very "telling" statement. Can you make this obvious in the acted-out interactions between the two characters without just out-and-out telling the reader?

She's thinking about her husband, who hasn't been introduced in person yet so "showing" is going to be tricky. It's just a glimpse in her mind how she thinks of him.

CheekyWench · Dec 23, 2009

CaroGirl said:
Your sentence obviously needs a fundamental rework, considering Neuro didn't even see what you were getting at (unless, of course, it's me who's missing the point ).

How about going for a bit of (sarcastic) voice?

He gambled and hired hookers constantly. What more could a girl ask for in a guy?

No matter what, I think you have two sentences here, not one.

Cool!

Thanks for all the input!

EclipsesMuse · Dec 24, 2009

I don't know if this goes with your voice. Or it's over the top.

His constant gambling and whoring doused her passion.
His constant gambling and whoring dimmed thier spark.

Or
For all she cared, his casinos and whores could have him.
Or, like Neuro suggested you could show. Maybe a thought?

Hope this helps!

CheekyWench · Dec 24, 2009

I ended up changing it to her telling someone how she felt about him instead of using a telling sentence. Thanks

I'm arguing with this sentence. HELP!

CheekyWench

O.o

kaitie

With great power comes

NeuroFizz

The grad students did it

CaroGirl

Living the dream

CheekyWench

O.o

CheekyWench

O.o

EclipsesMuse

Questing

CheekyWench

O.o