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Project nachonaco
12-16-2009, 02:44 AM
...Chris and I recently broke up.

Apparently, The Loser (as I will now call him) went to Phoenix on a trip to see an old friend from college. I had met her, and liked her. She was nice.

Up until the trip, where she stole The Loser.

He called me, crying, asking if I could come over. I did.

He cried and told me that he had cheated on me with her. He told me it was an accident.

So I promptly went home.

Nothing really sunk in for about a day or two.

Then it hit me.

Is it something about me, just something unlikeable about me? What is it?

I know I can't blame myself for it, really, but at some point i have to.

I don't have that many friends in the real world....and he left me.

(Interestingly enough, I was poking around his facebook after I deleted him and saw 'In a Relationship with '. Huh. Doesn't seem like an accident, then.)

How can one person make me so angry? I didn't even spend a lot of my life with him.

I just want things to be normal again, or to find a better person.

But if I put myself out there again, I might get hurt.

Jeez.

ad_lucem
12-16-2009, 02:58 AM
Good things rarely happen in Phoenix...

Anyway, kidding aside, don't beat yourself up. Be happy for the ones that "get away". Better you find out he's a two-timing-SOB now than fifteen years later after you've managed to set up a household and had kids.

I wish you better luck on the next go around, but no, it's not you. ((hugs))

Stargazer
12-16-2009, 03:01 AM
Hi,

Our paths have not yet croseed on this forum so I can't offer advice or support as a friend. However, I'm hoping I can do so as a freindly voice...

I had a quick peek in your profile and it says that you're only 20. Apologies for saying 'only 20' but I'm only 18months away from 30 so right now I'm thinking 20 is a great age to be.

You're still young, and you're still finding your way. I settled into a rock steady relationship when I was 18. I'm still in the same relationship now, but things aren't as rosy as they once were. I'm not sure if it's me clinging on out of a fear of lonliness or if it's just some ridiculous 'bloke-thing' where I refuse to admit to myself what I'm really feeling.

I sometimes wish I could have gone through two or three other relationships back in my late teens and early twenties so I could put everything thereafter into context. As it is, I've only ever had the one and I don't know if what I'm feeling is real or not.

I'd like to think that all things happen for some kind of reason. Even terrible tragedies act as a catalyst for change. Think of this as an instance when something bad has to happen to help you do something great in the future. Even if it's just to help you recognise the sign of a weak guy in the future to avoid being stung again.

At least you were strong enough to tell him to get bent. You could have taken him back, felt comforted for a short while you still had him and then been hurt all over again.

Don't blame yourself. Unless you gave him a really good reason to go with someone else, he's probably just weaker than he'd like to be; temptation is a powerful urge.

Unless you really don't want to, you'll definately find someone else with whom you connect. Give it a bit of time. Don't rush into anything. Just be your own person for as long as it takes. Have fun, take it easy. There's plenty of time.

All the best,

Rob.

PS. Wear sunscreen!

bettielee
12-16-2009, 03:02 AM
I had somehting similar happen to a firend, and she used the same language. I'm gonna tell you what I wish I had told her. I'm sorry, but this girl didn't "steal" him, and what he did with her wasn't "an accident". Unless they were both walking back from the showers naked, he tripped and fell and a miracle occured, where rod a fell into slot b.

That is the language of people in high school, not adults. The Loser is probably very immature and not ready for a serious relationship. I hate to say it, but he probably went there with the hope of "checking it out" (Ie: could he get laid?) and when he did, ok, then break up with girlfriend A to get back with girlfriend B.

Don't feel bad, be glad you got rid of someone insincere and immature. Think of what poor girlfriend B is in for when girl C comes along.

Hope I'm not being harsh, I just want you to realize this guy is probably a serial dater, who won't break up with someone until he's got another in line. That is lame. Good riddance. And to do that with an ex, means they are probably in a revolving door relationship. I say, find a guy who's better with doors.

L.J.
12-16-2009, 03:02 AM
Yeah, it's him, not you.

As far as fearing to be hurt again, life is not without risks. We're not even guaranteed our next breath. Just try to get to know the next person really well, get to know his family, and try to find someone whose values match your own.

Seams
12-16-2009, 03:09 AM
I don't think I could have said it much better thand Stargazer (Rob)

Usually the ones questioning their 'wrongs' are the wrong ones looking

Hugs to you

Seams

ad_lucem
12-16-2009, 03:19 AM
Unless you really don't want to, you'll definately find someone else with whom you connect. Give it a bit of time. Don't rush into anything. Just be your own person for as long as it takes. Have fun, take it easy. There's plenty of time.



Amen to that. I'm nearing the 30 mark, myself. Bold lettering and underlining added for emphasis. ENJOY BEING 20!!!

Pat yourself on the back for dodging a close call! :)

And what bettielee said, no stealing or accident. Really, any female that gets a guy by way of cheating gets everything she bargained for and more. Just sayin'....

Rowan
12-16-2009, 03:24 AM
It's NOT you... It's him and you hit the nail on the head by calling him a LOSER. It's not okay to treat people like that... he has no integrity, honor...balls. Yep, he's a loser. You did the right thing by walking out. Hold your head high and just keep reminding yourself that Karma is a Bitch and he'll get his in the end. Don't let this get you down. He's so NOT worth it! :Hug2:

ETA: and women who do this to other women just make me sick! Not saying she knew he was in a 'ship but if she did? Shame on her.......... :(

Clair Dickson
12-16-2009, 04:23 AM
I agree with just about everything said above-- his actions are not an accident. I don't buy that cheating "just happens" or can be an accident. At least you found out now and maybe you'll find someone who is an even better fit for you.

HOWEVER, just as I think he's in the wrong, I also think it's immature and hurtful to call names, too. Sorry, but I do. Just because he did something horrible does not, IMHO, give you license to also be nasty. But it's your choice. I just hate name calling and other crap from supposed adults.

BradyH1861
12-16-2009, 04:59 AM
He cried and told me that he had cheated on me with her. He told me it was an accident.


I am saying this as a member of the male species......it wasn't an accident. That said, don't blame yourself. Take it one day at a time and eventually you will get over, though it will take time.

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. Keep moving forward.

Silver King
12-16-2009, 05:26 AM
I am saying this as a member of the male species......it wasn't an accident...
You never know, he could've just been sitting around with a hard on, minding his own business when that hussy swooped in out of nowhere and impaled herself onto his manhood, pinning him down and forcing herself upon him purely against his will.

That's how accidents happen, you know...

Rowan
12-16-2009, 05:40 AM
I agree with just about everything said above-- his actions are not an accident. I don't buy that cheating "just happens" or can be an accident. At least you found out now and maybe you'll find someone who is an even better fit for you.

HOWEVER, just as I think he's in the wrong, I also think it's immature and hurtful to call names, too. Sorry, but I do. Just because he did something horrible does not, IMHO, give you license to also be nasty. But it's your choice. I just hate name calling and other crap from supposed adults.

[bolding is mine]

I'm not a supposed adult but I am an adult and I have no problem with calling a spade a spade. Immature? Some may think so.....but she's (OP) in a bad place and sometimes you just have to let the beast out on the path to feeling better. In this case and in my humble opinion this guy has earned the tag. By all accounts he treated her like garbage and he loses........
But to each their own! :Sun:

Silver King
12-16-2009, 05:52 AM
...this guy has earned the tag. By all accounts he treated her like garbage and he loses........
Not to mention that he's also a liar and a weasel and a cheater and a no good son of a bitch who doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as our Nacho.

We all know that she's better off without him, only we have different ways of expressing our opinions. Nothing wrong with that, and it helps to add color to this discussion.

scarletpeaches
12-16-2009, 05:55 AM
ETA: and women who do this to other women just make me sick! Not saying she knew he was in a 'ship but if she did? Shame on her.......... :(Pardon me? She did nothing to the OP. The one who cheated on her did.

You cannot steal a man who doesn't want to be stolen.

As for calling it an accident? Well all I can say is in all my 33 years no man has ever 'accidentally' put his penis in my vagina. Any time there's been action in that regard it's been deliberate and, for the most part, sober. Ish.

Rowan
12-16-2009, 05:55 AM
Not to mention that he's also a liar and a weasel and a cheater and a no good son of a bitch who doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as our Nacho.

We all know that she's better off without him, only we have different ways of expressing our opinions. Nothing wrong with that, and it helps to add color to this discussion.

[bolding and underlining is mine]

You mean like the adults versus the supposed adults? ;)
Sorry...couldn't resist. :D

Rowan
12-16-2009, 06:00 AM
Pardon me? She did nothing to the OP. The one who cheated on her did.

You cannot steal a man who doesn't want to be stolen.

As for calling it an accident? Well all I can say is in all my 33 years no man has ever 'accidentally' put his penis in my vagina. Any time there's been action in that regard it's been deliberate and, for the most part, sober. Ish.

[bolding is mine]

Well, in my opinion she did... as I said I've got no respect for women who go after men who are married and/or otherwise taken. I'm not saying these women are solely to blame but they're also at fault. As always it takes two to tango........

scarletpeaches
12-16-2009, 06:03 AM
I wonder if folks would be so ready to call the other man a homewrecker if it was the woman who cheated?

Me, if I was cheated on? Couldn't give a shit. Tell it walking. I don't have enough time to waste on blaming someone who wasn't part of the relationship.

Rowan
12-16-2009, 06:08 AM
I wonder if folks would be so ready to call the other man a homewrecker if it was the woman who cheated?

Me, if I was cheated on? Couldn't give a shit. Tell it walking. I don't have enough time to waste on blaming someone who wasn't part of the relationship.

I'm not calling anyone a "homewrecker"; I'm saying that anyone who goes after a married and/or taken person (male or female) is a wanker... For me it's all about self-respect and respect for the other individuals involved. It's my opinion and I stand by it--and if someone cheated on me and I gave a shit about them/the relationship...hell yeah I'd be pissed. It's human nature. But I'd move on because it's a one strike and you're out deal. It's not about wasting time blaming people who aren't part of the r-ship it's about recognizing where the blame lies.

Enough said.
:)

scarletpeaches
12-16-2009, 06:10 AM
I'm not calling anyone a "homewrecker"Didn't say you did; my use of the word was a general comment on the prevailing "Blame the other woman" attitude.
it's about recognizing where the blame lies.Exactly - with the one who cheated.

Silver King
12-16-2009, 06:24 AM
I wonder if folks would be so ready to call the other man a homewrecker if it was the woman who cheated?
No question he would be helping to wreck the home if she were the lady of the house.

Assigning blame, though, in these kinds of situations usually doesn't change the outcome, nor does it absolve either party from responsibility.

The boyfriend in this case, instead of crying and acting like his infidelity were an "accident," should've instead admitted, "I fucked her. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

Come to think of it, why did he confess to Nacho anyway? Was it weighing on his heart, or was this some kind of sordid way to break up with her?

ad_lucem
12-16-2009, 06:24 AM
Didn't say you did; my use of the word was a general comment on the prevailing "Blame the other woman" attitude.Exactly - with the one who cheated.

Depending on the full story, they could both be pretty wankerific.

Of course, the person doing the cheating (the spouse or girl/boy-friend or fiance) ultimately takes home the gold medal in the Wanklympics, because really it isn't so much about the sex as it is the breach of trust/selfishness issue.

I wouldn't necessarily blame the other woman (or man) in any scenario, but if the DID know, that's pretty wanky in my book.

And again, good luck with that. Hooking up with someone you know has a history of cheating is about as good an idea as hitching your star to a known unrecovered drug addict. Not a good idea for lasting happiness.

scarletpeaches
12-16-2009, 06:27 AM
No question he would be helping to wreck the home if she were the lady of the house.

Assigning blame, though, in these kinds of situations usually doesn't change the outcome, nor does it absolve either party from responsibility.

The boyfriend in this case, instead of crying and acting like his infidelity were an "accident," should've instead admitted, "I fucked her. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"Good point. I'm not saying I'd fully respect the guy at that point but I'd at least appreciate his - belated - honesty.

Hooking up with someone you know has a history of cheating is about as good an idea as hitching your star to a known unrecovered drug addict. Not a good idea for lasting happiness.Word. My father was a married man and ooh, that went really well.

If s/he'll do it with you, s/he'll do it to you.

scarletpeaches
12-16-2009, 06:32 AM
I'd like to offer Nacho an apology incidentally. I feel like I got on my soapbox when this thread was started as a way for her to vent.

So - sorry. I hope you get over this in time, and realise you're more than this one incident.

ad_lucem
12-16-2009, 06:35 AM
Good point. I'm not saying I'd fully respect the guy at that point but I'd at least appreciate his - belated - honesty.
Word. My father was a married man and ooh, that went really well.

If s/he'll do it with you, s/he'll do it to you.

I have to say, it's always funny to see these things in the tabloid media every now and again with some person famous or infamous who starts a relationship with a cheater only to get cheated on and then go down in print or on camera saying... "How could he/she do it to me?" Like, with the Tiger Woods nuttiness.

I'm sorry, but WHY do you think this person would change just because you showed up? But a lot of people do it. I guess they like bad odds. Probably go to the races and bet on the long shot every time, too.

Cheater, gambler, addict, liar, drinker, abuser, etc.. if they do it in the beginning of the relationship a ring on the finger isn't going to change much (other than the extent to which lawyers are involved).

Silver King
12-16-2009, 06:46 AM
I'd like to offer Nacho an apology incidentally. I feel like I got on my soapbox when this thread was started as a way for her to vent...
I understand your sentiment, and it's well placed; however, once a thread is started, it belongs to all of us, not just the OP. We can try to keep it within loosely defined parameters, but there's no guarantee that the discussion will stay true to form. But that's all right, since often the side trips become as interesting, if not more so, as the full journey itself.

Ambrosia
12-16-2009, 07:22 AM
Nacho, I am sorry for your loss. You are grieving right now. Your feelings are normal. Be gentle with you.


He told me it was an accident.I imagine what he meant when he said it was an accident is that he didn't go to Phoenix expecting to have an affair with her. Poor wording. But I think the guy was legitimately upset about what he had done and its affects on you, given he called you and he was crying. It sounds like he wasn't that good at communication. Not that it makes you feel any better.


I know I can't blame myself for it, really, but at some point i have to.Ummm... no, you don't have to blame yourself at some point. His choice wasn't about you. It was about him. Don't think that if you had of done something different, or been something different, or whatever, that he wouldn't have cheated. He had been friends with her for a long time. There was obviously something there that the two of them hadn't acknowledged. It sucks that you were with him when it flared. You didn't do anything wrong. This is all on him. Not you.


But if I put myself out there again, I might get hurt.Yes. If you put yourself out there again, you might. But if you don't, you won't find someone who is decent who will treat you like the woman of their dreams, either. There is always a chance you will get hurt. You can't let that keep you from reaching out. You will be very lonely if you do.

But, for now, you have some healing to do. Your hurting. You need time to grieve the loss of the relationship and get your feet back underneath you. Give yourself that time. Don't rush into a new relationship. Time is on your side.

Allow your feelings. Whatever you are feeling is legitimate. Hang in there.

Medievalist
12-16-2009, 07:50 AM
Nacho, it's not about you, at all, in any way.

A cheater will cheat. A cheater will always find a reason to cheat. There's always a reason, which is really an excuse.

{{{{{Nacho}}}}}}}

Project nachonaco
12-16-2009, 07:59 AM
I have a question.

How do I get revenge?

So far my list consists of things I do not have the courage to do.

But there is one thing on my list I can't wait to do: Call them both when the relationship fails, and laugh for twenty straight minutes.

Clair Dickson
12-16-2009, 08:03 AM
Be happy. By yourself and later, with a partner if that happens.

This is the best revenge. Anything else will make you feel bitterness, and that's not really punishing him/ them, now is it?

BTW, do you have any reason to believe she even knew he was in a relationship? It's not uncommon for people who cheat to say that they broke up or aren't with someone. In which case, can you blame the one thought they were getting an unattached partner? Best to leave the blame on him and his faulty zipper.

Project nachonaco
12-16-2009, 08:10 AM
Be happy. By yourself and later, with a partner if that happens.

This is the best revenge. Anything else will make you feel bitterness, and that's not really punishing him/ them, now is it?

BTW, do you have any reason to believe she even knew he was in a relationship? It's not uncommon for people who cheat to say that they broke up or aren't with someone. In which case, can you blame the one thought they were getting an unattached partner? Best to leave the blame on him and his faulty zipper.

She had met me. Twice.

scarletpeaches
12-16-2009, 08:12 AM
I have a question.

How do I get revenge?

So far my list consists of things I do not have the courage to do.

But there is one thing on my list I can't wait to do: Call them both when the relationship fails, and laugh for twenty straight minutes.Revenge is a bad, bad idea. It takes all the energy you should be spending on your future and focuses it on the past.

Clair Dickson
12-16-2009, 08:12 AM
She had met me. Twice.

But does that mean when he went to Phoenix he didn't tell her you were broken up or something?

Cassiopeia
12-16-2009, 08:17 AM
Nacho, the best revenge is the one in which you focus on you. Make your life and your successes about you and for you.

Then at some future time, when you run into him, you'll see him for the insignificant gnat he is and you'll wonder why you even gave him a second thought.

ad_lucem
12-16-2009, 08:32 AM
I have a question.

How do I get revenge?

So far my list consists of things I do not have the courage to do.

But there is one thing on my list I can't wait to do: Call them both when the relationship fails, and laugh for twenty straight minutes.

Nah. Revenge may be tempting, but it never got anyone anywhere but into trouble.

If it were me, and I were feeling particularly ornery, I might pen a thank you note gushing over how the whole incident has freed you from what you can see now was an ill-fated pairing, opening your eyes to your true potential and wishing him a long and happy life with someone more suited to his character.

But, you're probably better off not even doing that.

Again, I would be unbelievably thankful to have found out before having established a life--or God forbid a family--with this guy.

If you really can't get it out of your system, take up a cardio-kick-boxing class for a while. :)

Medievalist
12-16-2009, 08:37 AM
I have a question.

How do I get revenge?

By being a class act, and having a good, loving and happy life.

Which you can and will do.

Any other revenge will make you feel bad later.

Project nachonaco
12-16-2009, 09:04 AM
But....but....but....I want to pour sugar in his gas tank....:(

ad_lucem
12-16-2009, 09:23 AM
Well, if it helps you to think of it this way...try this:

Think about what would happen if you DID pour sugar in his gas tank. He might find out it was you. If he did, he might report it to the authorities. Even if he didn't report it to the authorities, he would be given the self-satisfaction of knowing he got to you and that he was so important to you that you just had to do something in revenge.

Then, you could have the distinction of one, possibly two things. 1) You might get into legal trouble for messing with his property. 2) At the very least, you would end up in his Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Hall of Shame to be discussed over beers for years to come. :(

Do you really want to become that girl? The one he tells his friends was "so crazy and obsessed" with him that she poured sugar in his gas tank?

Love and hate are closely related. Trust me, living well and being cooly indifferent make for much better "revenge".

Now, get yourself to a kick-boxing class. :D

Cassiopeia
12-16-2009, 09:28 AM
But....but....but....I want to pour sugar in his gas tank....:(I'm telling you, that's a quick fix. You want something that will make him regret the day he cheated on you. And that is to become the best YOU that you can FOR YOU. So you can honestly face him, having moved on.

He'll HATE that!

For a very long time to come.

herbchick
12-16-2009, 09:38 AM
I'm telling you, that's a quick fix. You want something that will make him regret the day he cheated on you. And that is to become the best YOU that you can FOR YOU. So you can honestly face him, having moved on.

He'll HATE that!

For a very long time to come.

Oh yeah, this is right. Revenge hurts both parties. When I was your age my boyfriend moved away. Two weeks before I was supposed to go visit him (and he hinted to proposing) he called me and let me know he had dinner with an ex and still had feelings for her. I told him he had to chose cause there was no room in my life for someone who wanted someone else. He said he was confused. It told him that was his answer and hung up. Sent him his stuff, asked for mine (never got it) and went on with life after lots of crying and depression. I met and married a wonderful man and am still happily married with kids. Had I married the other guy, I would've been miserable so his indecision saved me.

NeuroFizz
12-16-2009, 10:02 AM
Up until the trip, where she stole The Loser.
Two consenting "adults." There was no theft. He was not a possession of yours. His betrayal was exactly that--a betrayal.


Is it something about me, just something unlikeable about me? What is it? I know I can't blame myself for it, really, but at some point i have to.
This situation is very close for me, and no. It really isn't about you. It's something that happened to you, but it is not ABOUT you. It's about him, the kind of person he is. You have to realize that some people change, some change their minds, and some are naturally chameleons who don't show their other colors until "something better" comes along (these are toxic people).


I don't have that many friends in the real world....and he left me.
This can be overwhelming, and it's like a death in the family. As mentioned by others, it's normal and healthy to go through a grieving process. But the ultimate goal of that process is to say your final goodbye. That has to happen before you can fully move on.


I just want things to be normal again, or to find a better person.
This takes some time, but it is time when you want to focus on you. It's always counterproductive to define ourselves by our relationships. That can be part of our definition, but the main part has to focus on who we are as individuals, and how those individuals then fit into relationships. At your age, your definition of you, as an individual, is just forming. This makes it an exciting time when you can lay the foundation of your future, and your future interactions. And you just found, horrible as it seems, one of the most valuable bricks that goes into that foundation--experience. Learn from it. And most important, learn about yourself from this bad experience.


But if I put myself out there again, I might get hurt.
This is a normal fear, and one that shouldn't be swept under the rug. But it also goes to the above, of not defining yourself by your relationships. As said many times upstream, it's time to work on you. You have plenty of friends here at AW. And you are right. When you venture out "there" again, there is a realistic chance you will get hurt. There is also a chance that you will find someone who will make your former boyfriend look like the ethical waste-of-time and the pathetic excuse for a man that he is. The most important thing for now, however, is to avoid rushing out to fill an immediate void that can realistically only be filled by concentrating on yourself. Work on standing yourself up straight before you go walking out there or you will only have a hunched view of anyone you encounter.


I have a question.

How do I get revenge?
Again, this is a normal response, and a strong drive. But you have to realize that this is just a smokescreen. It just delays the real work you have to do, which is to get yourself to stand tall again. Save all of the actual revenge for your fiction. Let him go. Be done with him. Say your final goodbye and move on with your life. He has not taken anything from that life that can't be healed, and actually improved upon.


But there is one thing on my list I can't wait to do: Call them both when the relationship fails, and laugh for twenty straight minutes.
When this happens, do it privately. The first part of working on yourself is to not stoop to their level (remember to stand yourself up straight). If you want to be better than him, don't think or act like him.


But....but....but....I want to pour sugar in his gas tank....
Do you also want to put yourself in a position where you have to pay (legally and financially) for your actions?



So sorry this has happened to you, nacho. It does help to flesh out your feelings to friends, and you have a bunch here.

Cassiopeia
12-16-2009, 10:18 AM
I can not, nor do I wish to even attempt to add upon what Fizzy has said. I can only tell you, knowing him as I do, these are the words of a very wise man. You will do well if you follow them.

bettielee
12-16-2009, 12:01 PM
Nacho - you are well shed of the loser. Don't go further involving yourself with him by some act of revenge.

Your best revenge? Living well. Sounds ridiculous, but it's true. Let him go on his fumbling way, accidentally having sex with ex-girlfriend's, forever stuck in a rut. (<-- didn't expect that double entendre... but it works) You need to move on. You move on by going forward, not dwelling on revenge for something from the past.

Don't let him drag you down that path.

Rowan
12-16-2009, 04:21 PM
I have a question.

How do I get revenge?

So far my list consists of things I do not have the courage to do.

But there is one thing on my list I can't wait to do: Call them both when the relationship fails, and laugh for twenty straight minutes.

Make him -- or them -- characters in your next MS and kill them violently... ;) OR, make them the most unlikeable characters you can dream up. You have the power on the page and it's very cheap therapy. The pen is mightier than the sword! :)

(And just think of how much fun you'll have coming up with their character names --- something ridiculous)

lucidzfl
12-16-2009, 06:37 PM
I too am one of the "in the thirties" crowd. I got married when I was 29.

My advice, live your 20's. You may think you're smart, and know exactly what you want, and who you are and who you're going to become, but in my experience that is more often than not, untrue.

My further advice is this.

ENJOY your 20's. Experiment, have fun, try not to be too much of a whore (That'll come back to bite you, trust me) and just live your life.

I'm so glad I waited to get married until later, as up until about a year or two ago I was a total and complete idiot.

(Now I'm just a total idiot, not total and complete :D )

tjwriter
12-16-2009, 07:06 PM
As much as it hurts, the best thing to do is to grieve the relationship, let it go, and move on. It's just not the easiest thing to do.

You'll be angry, sad and hurt. It's fine to feel those emotions, but eventually, you have to say, "Enough. I am done feeling this way. There is so much more out in this world than this one guy. I am going to take the positive road and explore new and better opportunities for myself."

quickWit
12-16-2009, 07:18 PM
You never know, he could've just been sitting around with a hard on, minding his own business when that hussy swooped in out of nowhere and impaled herself onto his manhood, pinning him down and forcing herself upon him purely against his will.

That's how accidents happen, you know...

That's how Mrs. Wit snared me.

damn hussy.

Pomegranate
12-17-2009, 04:29 AM
*passes Nacho some ice cream and a hankie*

I'm sorry he was a jerk but you're better off finding out now than later. I know you feel vengeful, but take the high road. Move on and (as everyone has said) live well. Disinterest will drive him nuts.

To address the "no friends" part of your situation, I have some experience there. In college, one of the first people I met became my boyfriend. All of my friends were his friends. So when we broke up, I lost ALL my friends and the BF in one swoop. It was awful. BUT! (there's always one of those) the next semester I went on to make new friends and life went on. In retrospect, I had more fun with them than with the exBF.

When you stop feeling like crying and throwing darts at the loser's photo, suck it up and force yourself to go out. I'm a big introvert and this is hard for me too, but think of it as learning a valuable skill. I went to club meetings and events that interested me, where there were people that liked the same things I liked. I talked to them. Eventually, I'd click with someone and make a friend. You can do this too. It's not as hard as it feels. (PM me if you want some hints on how to make small talk with strangers.)

Hang in there. You didn't lose anything when this boy left. You just made room for someone better.

Cassiopeia
12-17-2009, 04:40 AM
try not to be too much of a whore *smacks you* OI! buddy watch how you word things.

On one hand there's an implication of an existing behaviour in your statement and on the other an implication of advocacy.

backslashbaby
12-17-2009, 05:02 AM
So much good advice here.

You have no idea how awesome an age this is if it has to happen. 20 is a great time to lose a loser and have a fresh start. I know it hurts like hell, but I've known so many folks who kept the same loser for those years in their 20's [raises hand] and it's nice, at least, that you won't have to!

Take care :)

Silver King
12-17-2009, 05:35 AM
*smacks you* OI! buddy watch how you word things.

On one hand there's an implication of an existing behaviour in your statement and on the other an implication of advocacy.
That's what I thought at first also, but I'm pretty sure he was advising her not to sleep around too much for her own good. That's actually sound advice, no matter how old or young we are.

(Funny how we can often discern what a person means not just by what they say, but by the tone and context and, more importantly, the source of where those words originate. His use of the term "whore" doesn't resonate, with me anyway, the negative connotation that word generally implies. Doesn't mean that others might not be soured by its use here, only that it can be said in some instances without any ill intent at all.)

lucidzfl
12-17-2009, 05:51 AM
That's what I thought at first also, but I'm pretty sure he was advising her not to sleep around too much for her own good. That's actually sound advice, no matter how old or young we are.

(Funny how we can often discern what a person means not just by what they say, but by the tone and context and, more importantly, the source of where those words originate. His use of the term "whore" doesn't resonate, with me anyway, the negative connotation that word generally implies. Doesn't mean that others might not be soured by its use here, only that it can be said in some instances without any ill intent at all.)

I meant it exactly the way I said it. Though I guess the tone may have been odd. "Too much of a whore" sounds like I'm being personal with her. I think theres nothing wrong with having multiple sexual partners and experimenting. Its natural and totally healthy. At the age of 20, she would do her future husband a service by learning the ins and outs of her desires, thresholds, and how to make people... ahem, happy. That's gonna take time, practice, and probably multipe partners.

However, my wife has a friend they all call triple digits. I'm sure you can guess why. Here's a hint, she's been with hundreds of dudes. She's only 26, and she's actually a bit overweight... The end result of that, being that women are often catty, jealous creatures is, "word spreads."

And let me tell you something. If your girlfriends know, and the guys around you know, when you finally meet mr right, HE'S gonna know.

Being a little bit of a whore? Healthy :)

Being a LOT of a whore? Gonna make it hard to settle down eventually.

Cassiopeia
12-17-2009, 05:53 AM
That's what I thought at first also, but I'm pretty sure he was advising her not to sleep around too much for her own good. That's actually sound advice, no matter how old or young we are.

(Funny how we can often discern what a person means not just by what they say, but by the tone and context and, more importantly, the source of where those words originate. His use of the term "whore" doesn't resonate, with me anyway, the negative connotation that word generally implies. Doesn't mean that others might not be soured by its use here, only that it can be said in some instances without any ill intent at all.)I was kinda kidding, LOL. It read oddly so I had to give him a hard time.

It's what I doooooo. ;)

Cassiopeia
12-17-2009, 05:54 AM
Being a little bit of a whore? Healthy :)

Being a LOT of a whore? Gonna make it hard to settle down eventually.
/swat

scarletpeaches
12-17-2009, 05:58 AM
And let me tell you something. If your girlfriends know, and the guys around you know, when you finally meet mr right, HE'S gonna know.

Being a little bit of a whore? Healthy :)

Being a LOT of a whore? Gonna make it hard to settle down eventually.Luckily not everyone's that judgemental and if someone looked down on me because of my past, they're not the sort of idiot I'd want to 'settle down' with anyway.

ad_lucem
12-17-2009, 06:00 AM
That's what I thought at first also, but I'm pretty sure he was advising her not to sleep around too much for her own good. That's actually sound advice, no matter how old or young we are.

(Funny how we can often discern what a person means not just by what they say, but by the tone and context and, more importantly, the source of where those words originate. His use of the term "whore" doesn't resonate, with me anyway, the negative connotation that word generally implies. Doesn't mean that others might not be soured by its use here, only that it can be said in some instances without any ill intent at all.)

No matter what age or gender, that's a good one. Nobody likes a nasty social disease. Birth control is important, too. And it is scary hard for some people.

My OB told me a frightening story the other day about a woman who actually got pregnant after a hysterectomy!

No joke. It was an abdominal pregnancy. I guess it happened because the ovaries were left in place.

Word of warning: if you don't want to have kids for a good long time...double or triple up on methods. Not to get preachy, but I don't think it can be stressed enough that birth control CAN and DOES fail--yes, even with proper use.

Trust me, you're not going to give a @#$@ if you're in the 1-2% of people who gets pregnant on the pill. It won't make you any less pregnant.

Believe me, I love my kids.... but I can't say enough about BIRTH CONTROL! It's nice to be able to actually PLAN your family. :D

Cassiopeia
12-17-2009, 06:00 AM
Luckily not everyone's that judgemental and if someone looked down on me because of my past, they're not the sort of idiot I'd want to 'settle down' with anyway.Quite honestly, I don't feel the need to tell men my "past".

It's one of those Noneya thingies.

ad_lucem
12-17-2009, 06:06 AM
Luckily not everyone's that judgemental and if someone looked down on me because of my past, they're not the sort of idiot I'd want to 'settle down' with anyway.

I guess it depends on the definition of a "little bit" of a whore and "a whole lot" of a whore. And what about man-whores?

It shouldn't matter that much. Unless, say, your partner went on some kind of drug-fueled sex binge with 75% of the local future methadone clinic population. Then, well, I could understand a little bit of concern over the health risk.

"Yes, honey, of course I love you. But could we take a trip to the doctor for a few tests, first? Nothing personal."

scarletpeaches
12-17-2009, 06:06 AM
I would tell a guy I got serious with simply because I wouldn't want any secrets. And if I'm not ashamed of it, then why not?

Better to get it out in the open and say up front "If you don't like it, you know where the door is."

Silver King
12-17-2009, 06:07 AM
...Being a little bit of a whore? Healthy :)

Being a LOT of a whore? Gonna make it hard to settle down eventually.
Well, that's a problem with word usage and perspective, and most likely I misread your intent earlier.

It's clear now that you're saying women with just a few sexual partners are merely "little whores," and those with greater numbers are "bigger whores."

If that's the case, I can't help you, and I'm sorry I tried. Good luck explaining your reasoning further, whatever it might be.

scarletpeaches
12-17-2009, 06:08 AM
I guess it depends on the definition of a "little bit" of a whore and "a whole lot" of a whore. And what about man-whores?I just don't like the word 'whore' at all, applied to either gender.
It shouldn't matter that much. Unless, say, your partner went on some kind of drug-fueled sex binge with 75% of the local future methadone clinic population. Then, well, I could understand a little bit of concern over the health risk.Numbers mean nothing; it only takes one, after all.

If someone's gonna be judged for a possible health risk, then everyone who isn't a virgin should be judged.

lucidzfl
12-17-2009, 06:08 AM
Luckily not everyone's that judgemental and if someone looked down on me because of my past, they're not the sort of idiot I'd want to 'settle down' with anyway.

Not sure what to say to that but um, ok?

I'm not personally judgemental. At least I don't think I am. The girl that gets called "Triple digits" I personally like quite a bit.

Her boyfriend found out about it, and then all of the sudden a bunch of other weird shit started to bother him. I'm sure it stemmed from that, but he was too much "of a man" to admit he was jealous/insecure.

I'm only saying that the average person hasn't had sex with 200+ people, and that you really cull the herd when you do that sort of thing unless you full on don't disclose that fact. Not that you should necessarily disclose every dirty damn thing you've ever done in the bedroom. (That'll become obvious soon enough anyway, and as I said above, is a good thing) Every relationship I've ever been in, the question "How many people have you been with" has come up.

I think its a perfectly natural thing, and a natural question, and a natural curiousity. At least in america it is. And you can claim all day that your answer will be "None of your business." See how far that gets you, and how many Mr. Right's you end up with at the end of the day.

Your other (more often chosen) option is lying. I wouldn't wanna be in a relationship with someone I had to lie to either. So basically, why make those decisions and pigeon hole yourself?

People get all up in arms when I say these things. You wanna be pissed at ME for societal conditioning, go for it. But in the immortal words of someone I don't know, don't hate the player, hate the game. I'm not the one who made this shit up.

And before anyone says, "Oh but a man can bang as many chicks as he wants and its ok". I don't think that's true either. Look at the way people view Charlie Sheen, Magic Johnson, hell Tiger Woods now.

lucidzfl
12-17-2009, 06:11 AM
I guess it depends on the definition of a "little bit" of a whore and "a whole lot" of a whore. And what about man-whores?

It shouldn't matter that much. Unless, say, your partner went on some kind of drug-fueled sex binge with 75% of the local future methadone clinic population. Then, well, I could understand a little bit of concern over the health risk.

"Yes, honey, of course I love you. But could we take a trip to the doctor for a few tests, first? Nothing personal."

I don't equate the term whore with being bad. I use it in reference to general promiscuity. I think EVERYONE needs some general promiscuity. It keeps life interesting, and teaches you things you might not know otherwise.

As adorable as the highschool sweethearts who got married and only have had sex with each other, the fact is, they're probably NOT operating at their sexual maximum.

That's why I was saying I think some promiscuity, or experimentation is in order. Sex is very personal, and is a learning experience.

And SP, if you ever find a man who is willing to hear about the fact that you gave head to a dude you just met, while squatting down next to an 87 camry in the parking lot of a sports bar because he bought you two jager shots, and that dude still wants to marry you, snatch him up.

Edit: REALLY WANT TO ADD, that last story is a real story from triple digit girl. (And not at all the first/only time she did that)

Cassiopeia
12-17-2009, 06:12 AM
I would tell a guy I got serious with simply because I wouldn't want any secrets. And if I'm not ashamed of it, then why not?

Better to get it out in the open and say up front "If you don't like it, you know where the door is."I'm not sure why my past is a secret.

I believe in medical check ups. If there's nothing to report, I'm not going to rehearse my sexual history. *shrug* It's not relevant.


I just don't like the word 'whore' at all, applied to either gender.
yep it was that word, whore that bothered me.

ad_lucem
12-17-2009, 06:15 AM
I just don't like the word 'whore' at all, applied to either gender.Numbers mean nothing; it only takes one, after all.

If someone's gonna be judged for a possible health risk, then everyone who isn't a virgin should be judged.

Yeah... I'm guess lucidfl just likes being virtually slapped by Cass.

Actually, I don't think it is unreasonable to judge the potential health risk. No, numbers don't matter so much as who is counted among those numbers (note the comment about IV drug use and indescriminant sex--both big risk factors for aids and other social diseases among other things).

I guess I'm turning into an old fart. I just want to see the youngin's be safe and only have kids when they're planning for it.

lucidzfl
12-17-2009, 06:15 AM
I'm not sure why my past is a secret.

I believe in medical check ups. If there's nothing to report, I'm not going to rehearse my sexual history. *shrug* It's not relevant.


yep it was that word, whore that bothered me.

I'm sort of surprised at the angst surrounding the word whore.

I thought the joke was that all men want marie curie when they're out in public and a whore in the bedroom.

Why does the term have a negative connotation? I understand "slut".

I would not want my wife to be a slut. But on occasion I might like her to be a whore.

lucidzfl
12-17-2009, 06:17 AM
I just don't like the word 'whore' at all, applied to either gender.Numbers mean nothing; it only takes one, after all.

If someone's gonna be judged for a possible health risk, then everyone who isn't a virgin should be judged.

Numbers only matter to the person who has the lower number. The amount that it matters skyrockets if the one with the lower number is the man.

I'm convinced men are the less secure of the sexes when it comes to past partners.

Cassiopeia
12-17-2009, 06:25 AM
I'm sort of surprised at the angst surrounding the word whore.

I thought the joke was that all men want marie curie when they're out in public and a whore in the bedroom.

Why does the term have a negative connotation? I understand "slut".

I would not want my wife to be a slut. But on occasion I might like her to be a whore.I'm not surprised your surprised. If you'd ever been called a whore, you'd know why it's an angsty word. :)

Silver King
12-17-2009, 06:27 AM
I'm sort of surprised at the angst surrounding the word whore.

I thought the joke was that all men want marie curie when they're out in public and a whore in the bedroom.

Why does the term have a negative connotation? I understand "slut".

I would not want my wife to be a slut. But on occasion I might like her to be a whore.
Closing this one for a bit, if only to check my own reactions before saying something I'm going to regret.

Meanwhile, we can consider how best to steer this discussion back to the topic at hand, which is to help Nacho weather her current situation.

Silver King
12-17-2009, 07:11 AM
Thread reopened with this caveat: Please let’s leave behind our interpretations of “whores” and “sluts” for another time, and another discussion. The disparities between connotations of those words are too great for us to explore here at this time, and I would implore that we revisit Nacho’s quandary, which is the point of this thread, as a means to offer advice that will help raise her from the funk she finds herself in at this time.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Thank you.<o:p></o:p>

EFCollins
12-17-2009, 08:19 AM
Okie doke. I came to respond while it was closed, so now here goes.

To the OP:

I know it sucks. I know it hurts and damn him for hurting you needlessly. It won't hurt forever and a time will come when you won't even care. Waiting for that time is gonna suck big balls, but it will come. Being cheated on feels like the worst betrayal. I know it does. But it's not. I hate to say it so bluntly, but it's not the worst betrayal. And for any who say "well, you've never been cheated on" let me just say I have. Several times by the same idiot. And I forgave not once, not twice... but four times. I forgave and forgave and forgave.

Physical attraction is hard to combat in the moment. First you're laughing, sharing memories about old times, having a burger and a beer. Time goes by and you're sitting closer together. You feel chummy with the old friend. Innocent friendship. Then the look. You know the one I mean. It's easy to get caught up in the moment. It is. The look seems to pull you in and before you know it, you're kissing, touching... things escalate.

If you've ever had sex before, you know how it is--that first time with someone. Most first times aren't planned out, no rules to follow. It's very in the moment.

Am I saying forgive? Fuck no! You'll only set yourself up for more hurt, as I have found out.

What I am saying is take three to five days... stay in bed and pig out on some Ben and Jerry's. Eat chicken soup, drink hot English tea and mope a little. Allow yourself that. Then, get dressed in your prettiest outfit, get all dolled up and sexified and go out: to the park, the coffee shop, McDonald's... anywhere. Go shopping after and buy yourself something nice. Spend time with people, even if you don't interact, just people watch. Then, you live. You don't need to let this ruin your life or your outlook on relationships. Read my words.

They're not all like him.

End of story. You're you and you're special. Fuck him and the little chickie from wherever. Let it go. Neither of them are worth your time, but you are. Spend time loving you for yourself. Cry for your pain, but not because he hurt you. Just because it hurts. Don't let this time be about him and needless revenge. It's not. What he did was about him, but it's just a means to an end. Now it's about you and what you decide to do. It's your life. If you want a grudge fuck, by all means. Find someone and give it hell. Sex needn't be synonymous with a relationship. Have some fun, live a little. But do it because you want to, not to get even with him. You can't get even with him, sweetie. He'll never get it. He'll never feel betrayed like you feel. So let him waste away in his pointless, loveless life and get on with living yours.

rhymegirl
12-17-2009, 06:39 PM
As adorable as the high school sweethearts who got married and only have had sex with each other, the fact is, they're probably NOT operating at their sexual maximum.

I agree with this. I'm glad I didn't have a high school sweetheart.


That's why I was saying I think some promiscuity, or experimentation is in order. Sex is very personal, and is a learning experience.

I agree with this, too. Personally, I don't know how a person can know she's married the right person if she has no one to compare him with.

kaitie
12-17-2009, 06:43 PM
...Chris and I recently broke up.

Apparently, The Loser (as I will now call him) went to Phoenix on a trip to see an old friend from college. I had met her, and liked her. She was nice.

Up until the trip, where she stole The Loser.

He called me, crying, asking if I could come over. I did.

He cried and told me that he had cheated on me with her. He told me it was an accident.

So I promptly went home.

Nothing really sunk in for about a day or two.

Then it hit me.

Is it something about me, just something unlikeable about me? What is it?

I know I can't blame myself for it, really, but at some point i have to.

I don't have that many friends in the real world....and he left me.

(Interestingly enough, I was poking around his facebook after I deleted him and saw 'In a Relationship with '. Huh. Doesn't seem like an accident, then.)

How can one person make me so angry? I didn't even spend a lot of my life with him.

I just want things to be normal again, or to find a better person.

But if I put myself out there again, I might get hurt.

Jeez.

I don't have time to read all the comments, but trust me, you're not the first. It sucks, doesn't it? I was engaged for two years when my fiancee did the same thing. To make it even more fun, within a month she was pregnant and they got married.

That was a few years ago, and it does take a long time to get over, especially if you were really serious. And honestly...the trust thing is hard to get back. I don't think I'll ever have the same innocence I did that time. But you'll find a great guy who will be there for you and understand if it takes some time. As much as it hurts, this one just wasn't the one for you. *hugs* Wishing you the best, and throwing some prayers your way to help you through this tough time.

DWSTXS
12-17-2009, 06:53 PM
when i caught my 1st wife cheating on me with my best friend, I immediately walked her to the front door, led her outside and said "bye bye, you are out of here. Go live with him if he's so great, I'm sure his wife will understand."

I made it stick too. Did not allow her back inside. The next day I called his wife and filled her in on their actions. She wasn't nearly as kind to him as I was to mine. She thrashed him, then took him to the cleaners.

She and my best friend moved in together, eventually did get married, and he proceeded to use her for a punching bag for years. She of course, tormented him while having more affairs. They both got what they deserved.

The upshot is this, You don't need people like that in your life. You should be glad he's gone. Get on with your life, AND when he comes crawling back (he will) go ahead and forgive him, but tell him to keep moving on, that you're not interested anymore.

James81
12-17-2009, 07:19 PM
Is it something about me, just something unlikeable about me? What is it?



Not at all. It is what it is, and what happened, happened. You can't change it, and thus it's something that you'll eventually come to accept. My hope for you is that you'll realize that you are just fine the way you (not to say that there isn't stuff you can't improve, but I think most of us realize this) and that you'll come to accept yourself.

The betrayal you feel when someone cheats on you is unmatched by most other forms of pain (at least in my opinion it is). It's interesting how we try to blame ourselves for it though. I did it, and countless others I know have done it.

Whatever the case, though, you are now free to create a new life, filled with whatever experiences you choose. Granted, there is a time of just...healing...that will occur before you get to that place, but I have faith you'll get there.

In the meantime, I feel for ya. Keep your chin up and all that cliche stuff. :D

Alpha Echo
12-17-2009, 07:24 PM
...Chris and I recently broke up.

Apparently, The Loser (as I will now call him) went to Phoenix on a trip to see an old friend from college. I had met her, and liked her. She was nice.

Up until the trip, where she stole The Loser.

He called me, crying, asking if I could come over. I did.

He cried and told me that he had cheated on me with her. He told me it was an accident.

So I promptly went home.

Nothing really sunk in for about a day or two.

Then it hit me.

Is it something about me, just something unlikeable about me? What is it?

I know I can't blame myself for it, really, but at some point i have to.

I don't have that many friends in the real world....and he left me.

(Interestingly enough, I was poking around his facebook after I deleted him and saw 'In a Relationship with '. Huh. Doesn't seem like an accident, then.)

How can one person make me so angry? I didn't even spend a lot of my life with him.

I just want things to be normal again, or to find a better person.

But if I put myself out there again, I might get hurt.

Jeez.

I didn't read everyone's posts, but my husband cheated on me (and is now married to her, and she's pregnant - he actually put an ad on Craig's list while we were married to find her!), and I found a way to move on.

At first, you have to focus on yourself. Get to a place where you're happy all on your own. A place where you love yourself.

It took me some time. I was very depressed for awhile. On meds. Then...I was better. I went on eharmony and met my next husband. :)

Hang in there. One day, sometimes one minute, at a time. Don't worry about your ex or at least try not to dwell on him right now. One day, you'll be able to let your mind drift to your time together without hurting, but for now, focus on YOU. That is so important.

James81
12-17-2009, 07:33 PM
(and is now married to her, and she's pregnant -

lol

What a new and interesting development that is. :roll:

lucidzfl
12-17-2009, 07:35 PM
I agree with this. I'm glad I didn't have a high school sweetheart.



I agree with this, too. Personally, I don't know how a person can know she's married the right person if she has no one to compare him with.

Be careful agreeing with me, you'll get run out of here on rails and the thread will get closed again!

;)

Alpha Echo
12-17-2009, 07:36 PM
lol

What a new and interesting development that is. :roll:

I never told you the latest? Haha - it seriously doesn't stop.

James81
12-17-2009, 07:38 PM
I never told you the latest? Haha - it seriously doesn't stop.

He really needs to just go on Jerry Springer and be done with it. :tongue It's his destiny.

ad_lucem
12-17-2009, 07:46 PM
He really needs to just go on Jerry Springer and be done with it. :tongue It's his destiny.


Is Jerry Springer still on?

Maybe he just needs his own reality TV show. Craigslist? Jeebus...that's bad. That's really, really bad.

ad_lucem
12-17-2009, 07:50 PM
Be careful agreeing with me, you'll get run out of here on rails and the thread will get closed again!

;)

Just how do we know you aren't some agent provocateur? Hmm?? :cool:

Admit it, you're working for Da Man, aren't you?

Alpha Echo
12-17-2009, 07:51 PM
Is Jerry Springer still on?

Maybe he just needs his own reality TV show. Craigslist? Jeebus...that's bad. That's really, really bad.

Yeah, I know. I have never been felt so lucky. I wish I could have seen the ad. It had to be for TX, cuz that's where he lives now and where she lives. We live on the east coast. He was looking for a way out! WAY out! lol

ad_lucem
12-17-2009, 08:04 PM
Yeah, I know. I have never been felt so lucky. I wish I could have seen the ad. It had to be for TX, cuz that's where he lives now and where she lives. We live on the east coast. He was looking for a way out! WAY out! lol

Looking for lovin'...while married...on Craigslist... in TX?

:e2zipped: No comment.

herbchick
12-17-2009, 08:10 PM
I wanted to come back and add one more thing. Once you start to heal from this I suggest putting positive thoughts out there about the guys you will attract to you. So many people say, "I only attract losers." "I always get cheated on." Don't fall into that trap. In conversations say things like, "I attract the best, loyal men." "My next man is going to treat me like a queen." Yeah, kinda silly but it works. I find we do attract to us that which we speak of and I've tested it many times in both good and bad ways and been amazed at the result.

*going to hug a tree and sing kumbaya* :)

Project nachonaco
12-17-2009, 08:13 PM
Can I just say one thing?

Oh, hell, I broke the forum. o_O

There. Now I'm better.

ad_lucem
12-17-2009, 08:28 PM
Glad to hear you're feeling better :D

Alpha Echo
12-17-2009, 08:30 PM
Looking for lovin'...while married...on Craigslist... in TX?

:e2zipped: No comment.

Haha. Yeah. He's an ass.

rhymegirl
12-17-2009, 08:49 PM
Be careful agreeing with me, you'll get run out of here on rails and the thread will get closed again!;)

Well, I hope it doesn't.
I don't know if my comments are that helpful to the OP though. So I'll try to expand on what I said.

I do know when people are young, it's easy to get swept away by someone, to be infatuated, to fall hard and be sure you have met the right person. I have two sisters who married at a young age--one was 20, the other was 21. Of the two of them, one is now divorced.

I dated a number of guys before getting married; I was 30 when I did get married. I've always felt you can't be sure you're with the right person if you never date anyone else.

Hearts get broken in life; it happened to me, too, when I was younger. It's happened to my daughter. She's only 22 so she has plenty of time to find someone else. She is focusing on finishing college, working part-time, and spending time with her friends.

We don't have any control over what other people do in life. You can only decide what you want to do and how you will react to what happens to you. I know that many times women blame themselves for a relationship breaking up. "If only I'd done this, said this," etc. But if your guy went off and had sex with another woman, that's on him. You are not to blame.

You have to go on with your life and focus on whatever it is that makes you happy. I tell my kids this all the time. It's nice to have a special person in your life, but the only person you can truly count on is yourself. And if you're lucky, a good friend, or maybe a few good friends.

Project nachonaco
12-17-2009, 09:20 PM
Here's a quandry for y'all:

Around the same time as the breakup, one of my a-hole characters decided to turn into a nice guy, the kind I would LOVE to date.

WTF?!?

StoryG27
12-17-2009, 09:25 PM
Here's a quandry for y'all:

Around the same time as the breakup, one of my a-hole characters decided to turn into a nice guy, the kind I would LOVE to date.

WTF?!?
Upgrading and replacing? *shrug*

I, apparently, don't know much because I married the man I met and have been with since age 16. I do know enough to know it's not your fault. I hope you know that too. I know lots of people have said that, but I didn't think it'd hurt to say it again.

tjwriter
12-17-2009, 10:38 PM
I, too, married the man I met at the tender age of 14. Anyone who has been in the House of Love lately knows that it's not always peachy, but we seem committed to working on it, so we try.

Grieve the relationship. It's always hard when you're disappointed. But then you have to move on.

ad_lucem
12-17-2009, 11:05 PM
I, too, married the man I met at the tender age of 14. Anyone who has been in the House of Love lately knows that it's not always peachy, but we seem committed to working on it, so we try.

Grieve the relationship. It's always hard when you're disappointed. But then you have to move on.

Married the man I met at 18. Not a high school sweetheart, though. He's got about a decade on me. Typical joke around here "if you can't find a good one, raise one" from him and "you've got to em' when they're too old and tired to keep screwing around" from me.

It's certainly not always peachy here (every relationship is a work in progress), but it's the most stable/peaceful/sane my life has ever been. And I'm good with that.