I need to get this off my chest.....

Good things rarely happen in Phoenix...

Anyway, kidding aside, don't beat yourself up. Be happy for the ones that "get away". Better you find out he's a two-timing-SOB now than fifteen years later after you've managed to set up a household and had kids.

I wish you better luck on the next go around, but no, it's not you. ((hugs))

Hi,

Our paths have not yet croseed on this forum so I can't offer advice or support as a friend. However, I'm hoping I can do so as a freindly voice...

I had a quick peek in your profile and it says that you're only 20. Apologies for saying 'only 20' but I'm only 18months away from 30 so right now I'm thinking 20 is a great age to be.

You're still young, and you're still finding your way. I settled into a rock steady relationship when I was 18. I'm still in the same relationship now, but things aren't as rosy as they once were. I'm not sure if it's me clinging on out of a fear of lonliness or if it's just some ridiculous 'bloke-thing' where I refuse to admit to myself what I'm really feeling.

I sometimes wish I could have gone through two or three other relationships back in my late teens and early twenties so I could put everything thereafter into context. As it is, I've only ever had the one and I don't know if what I'm feeling is real or not.

I'd like to think that all things happen for some kind of reason. Even terrible tragedies act as a catalyst for change. Think of this as an instance when something bad has to happen to help you do something great in the future. Even if it's just to help you recognise the sign of a weak guy in the future to avoid being stung again.

At least you were strong enough to tell him to get bent. You could have taken him back, felt comforted for a short while you still had him and then been hurt all over again.

Don't blame yourself. Unless you gave him a really good reason to go with someone else, he's probably just weaker than he'd like to be; temptation is a powerful urge.

Unless you really don't want to, you'll definately find someone else with whom you connect. Give it a bit of time. Don't rush into anything. Just be your own person for as long as it takes. Have fun, take it easy. There's plenty of time.

All the best,

Rob.

PS. Wear sunscreen!

I had somehting similar happen to a firend, and she used the same language. I'm gonna tell you what I wish I had told her. I'm sorry, but this girl didn't "steal" him, and what he did with her wasn't "an accident". Unless they were both walking back from the showers naked, he tripped and fell and a miracle occured, where rod a fell into slot b.

That is the language of people in high school, not adults. The Loser is probably very immature and not ready for a serious relationship. I hate to say it, but he probably went there with the hope of "checking it out" (Ie: could he get laid?) and when he did, ok, then break up with girlfriend A to get back with girlfriend B.

Don't feel bad, be glad you got rid of someone insincere and immature. Think of what poor girlfriend B is in for when girl C comes along.

Hope I'm not being harsh, I just want you to realize this guy is probably a serial dater, who won't break up with someone until he's got another in line. That is lame. Good riddance. And to do that with an ex, means they are probably in a revolving door relationship. I say, find a guy who's better with doors.

Yeah, it's him, not you.

As far as fearing to be hurt again, life is not without risks. We're not even guaranteed our next breath. Just try to get to know the next person really well, get to know his family, and try to find someone whose values match your own.

I don't think I could have said it much better thand Stargazer (Rob)

Usually the ones questioning their 'wrongs' are the wrong ones looking

Hugs to you

Seams

Stargazer said:

Unless you really don't want to, you'll definately find someone else with whom you connect. Give it a bit of time. Don't rush into anything. Just be your own person for as long as it takes. Have fun, take it easy. There's plenty of time.

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Amen to that. I'm nearing the 30 mark, myself. Bold lettering and underlining added for emphasis. ENJOY BEING 20!!!

Pat yourself on the back for dodging a close call!

And what bettielee said, no stealing or accident. Really, any female that gets a guy by way of cheating gets everything she bargained for and more. Just sayin'....

It's NOT you... It's him and you hit the nail on the head by calling him a LOSER. It's not okay to treat people like that... he has no integrity, honor...balls. Yep, he's a loser. You did the right thing by walking out. Hold your head high and just keep reminding yourself that Karma is a Bitch and he'll get his in the end. Don't let this get you down. He's so NOT worth it!

ETA: and women who do this to other women just make me sick! Not saying she knew he was in a 'ship but if she did? Shame on her..........

I agree with just about everything said above-- his actions are not an accident. I don't buy that cheating "just happens" or can be an accident. At least you found out now and maybe you'll find someone who is an even better fit for you.

HOWEVER, just as I think he's in the wrong, I also think it's immature and hurtful to call names, too. Sorry, but I do. Just because he did something horrible does not, IMHO, give you license to also be nasty. But it's your choice. I just hate name calling and other crap from supposed adults.

Project nachonaco said:

He cried and told me that he had cheated on me with her. He told me it was an accident.

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I am saying this as a member of the male species......it wasn't an accident. That said, don't blame yourself. Take it one day at a time and eventually you will get over, though it will take time.

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. Keep moving forward.

BradyH1861 said:

I am saying this as a member of the male species......it wasn't an accident...

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You never know, he could've just been sitting around with a hard on, minding his own business when that hussy swooped in out of nowhere and impaled herself onto his manhood, pinning him down and forcing herself upon him purely against his will.

That's how accidents happen, you know...

Clair Dickson said:

I agree with just about everything said above-- his actions are not an accident. I don't buy that cheating "just happens" or can be an accident. At least you found out now and maybe you'll find someone who is an even better fit for you.

HOWEVER, just as I think he's in the wrong, I also think it's immature and hurtful to call names, too. Sorry, but I do. Just because he did something horrible does not, IMHO, give you license to also be nasty. But it's your choice. I just hate name calling and other crap from supposed adults.

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[bolding is mine]

I'm not a supposed adult but I am an adult and I have no problem with calling a spade a spade. Immature? Some may think so.....but she's (OP) in a bad place and sometimes you just have to let the beast out on the path to feeling better. In this case and in my humble opinion this guy has earned the tag. By all accounts he treated her like garbage and he loses........
But to each their own!

Rowan said:

...this guy has earned the tag. By all accounts he treated her like garbage and he loses........

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Not to mention that he's also a liar and a weasel and a cheater and a no good son of a bitch who doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as our Nacho.

We all know that she's better off without him, only we have different ways of expressing our opinions. Nothing wrong with that, and it helps to add color to this discussion.

Rowan said:

ETA: and women who do this to other women just make me sick! Not saying she knew he was in a 'ship but if she did? Shame on her..........

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Pardon me? She did nothing to the OP. The one who cheated on her did.

You cannot steal a man who doesn't want to be stolen.

As for calling it an accident? Well all I can say is in all my 33 years no man has ever 'accidentally' put his penis in my vagina. Any time there's been action in that regard it's been deliberate and, for the most part, sober. Ish.

Silver King said:

Not to mention that he's also a liar and a weasel and a cheater and a no good son of a bitch who doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as our Nacho.

We all know that she's better off without him, only we have different ways of expressing our opinions. Nothing wrong with that, and it helps to add color to this discussion.

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[bolding and underlining is mine]

You mean like the adults versus the supposed adults?
Sorry...couldn't resist.

scarletpeaches said:

Pardon me? She did nothing to the OP. The one who cheated on her did.

You cannot steal a man who doesn't want to be stolen.

As for calling it an accident? Well all I can say is in all my 33 years no man has ever 'accidentally' put his penis in my vagina. Any time there's been action in that regard it's been deliberate and, for the most part, sober. Ish.

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[bolding is mine]

Well, in my opinion she did... as I said I've got no respect for women who go after men who are married and/or otherwise taken. I'm not saying these women are solely to blame but they're also at fault. As always it takes two to tango........

I wonder if folks would be so ready to call the other man a homewrecker if it was the woman who cheated?

Me, if I was cheated on? Couldn't give a shit. Tell it walking. I don't have enough time to waste on blaming someone who wasn't part of the relationship.

scarletpeaches said:

I wonder if folks would be so ready to call the other man a homewrecker if it was the woman who cheated?

Me, if I was cheated on? Couldn't give a shit. Tell it walking. I don't have enough time to waste on blaming someone who wasn't part of the relationship.

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I'm not calling anyone a "homewrecker"; I'm saying that anyone who goes after a married and/or taken person (male or female) is a wanker... For me it's all about self-respect and respect for the other individuals involved. It's my opinion and I stand by it--and if someone cheated on me and I gave a shit about them/the relationship...hell yeah I'd be pissed. It's human nature. But I'd move on because it's a one strike and you're out deal. It's not about wasting time blaming people who aren't part of the r-ship it's about recognizing where the blame lies.

Enough said.

Rowan said:

I'm not calling anyone a "homewrecker"

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Didn't say you did; my use of the word was a general comment on the prevailing "Blame the other woman" attitude.

Rowan said:

it's about recognizing where the blame lies.

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Exactly - with the one who cheated.

scarletpeaches said:

I wonder if folks would be so ready to call the other man a homewrecker if it was the woman who cheated?

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No question he would be helping to wreck the home if she were the lady of the house.

Assigning blame, though, in these kinds of situations usually doesn't change the outcome, nor does it absolve either party from responsibility.

The boyfriend in this case, instead of crying and acting like his infidelity were an "accident," should've instead admitted, "I fucked her. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

Come to think of it, why did he confess to Nacho anyway? Was it weighing on his heart, or was this some kind of sordid way to break up with her?

scarletpeaches said:

Didn't say you did; my use of the word was a general comment on the prevailing "Blame the other woman" attitude.Exactly - with the one who cheated.

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Depending on the full story, they could both be pretty wankerific.

Of course, the person doing the cheating (the spouse or girl/boy-friend or fiance) ultimately takes home the gold medal in the Wanklympics, because really it isn't so much about the sex as it is the breach of trust/selfishness issue.

I wouldn't necessarily blame the other woman (or man) in any scenario, but if the DID know, that's pretty wanky in my book.

And again, good luck with that. Hooking up with someone you know has a history of cheating is about as good an idea as hitching your star to a known unrecovered drug addict. Not a good idea for lasting happiness.

Silver King said:

No question he would be helping to wreck the home if she were the lady of the house.

Assigning blame, though, in these kinds of situations usually doesn't change the outcome, nor does it absolve either party from responsibility.

The boyfriend in this case, instead of crying and acting like his infidelity were an "accident," should've instead admitted, "I fucked her. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

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Good point. I'm not saying I'd fully respect the guy at that point but I'd at least appreciate his - belated - honesty.

ad_lucem said:

Hooking up with someone you know has a history of cheating is about as good an idea as hitching your star to a known unrecovered drug addict. Not a good idea for lasting happiness.

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Word. My father was a married man and ooh, that went really well.

If s/he'll do it with you, s/he'll do it to you.

I'd like to offer Nacho an apology incidentally. I feel like I got on my soapbox when this thread was started as a way for her to vent.

So - sorry. I hope you get over this in time, and realise you're more than this one incident.

scarletpeaches said:

Good point. I'm not saying I'd fully respect the guy at that point but I'd at least appreciate his - belated - honesty.
Word. My father was a married man and ooh, that went really well.

If s/he'll do it with you, s/he'll do it to you.

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I have to say, it's always funny to see these things in the tabloid media every now and again with some person famous or infamous who starts a relationship with a cheater only to get cheated on and then go down in print or on camera saying... "How could he/she do it to me?" Like, with the Tiger Woods nuttiness.

I'm sorry, but WHY do you think this person would change just because you showed up? But a lot of people do it. I guess they like bad odds. Probably go to the races and bet on the long shot every time, too.

Cheater, gambler, addict, liar, drinker, abuser, etc.. if they do it in the beginning of the relationship a ring on the finger isn't going to change much (other than the extent to which lawyers are involved).

scarletpeaches said:

I'd like to offer Nacho an apology incidentally. I feel like I got on my soapbox when this thread was started as a way for her to vent...

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I understand your sentiment, and it's well placed; however, once a thread is started, it belongs to all of us, not just the OP. We can try to keep it within loosely defined parameters, but there's no guarantee that the discussion will stay true to form. But that's all right, since often the side trips become as interesting, if not more so, as the full journey itself.