Another serious advice thread.

This may very well be one of those "there's nothing I can do" situations, but it's bothering me...so I'll ask.

My friend's wife is, no bones about it, abusive. Emotionally manipulative, controlling, browbeats him over everything. She flips out at him when he spends more than a few minutes (I'm not kidding) away from the house. If he wants to go out, she demands to know who he's going with, where, why, when he'll be back, and then she calls every 10 minutes (not exaggerating) while he's out. She alienates his friends, and is currently working on alienating us.

What I've personally witnessed could be argued either way between "abusive" and "Jesus, she's annoying". However, when he's around her, he's like an abused dog. He cowers. He barely speaks. He won't look anyone in the eye but her, and he looks terrified whenever she looks at him. Yesterday, he was at our apartment and she demanded that he come out in the parking lot to discuss something. When he came back, folks I am not shitting you, the man was shaking. He spoke very quickly, saying he had to go, but would see us later in the evening for something we'd previously planned. When we met up with him later on, he was fine, but when someone jokingly mentioned that he might need his wife's permission for something, he clammed up. He used to take it well when people ribbed him about being on a short leash, but lately, he just gets quiet.

I don't know what's going on behind closed doors, but one way or another, there is no doubt in my mind that she's abusive. Physically? Don't know. Emotionally? Abso-fucking-lutely. We've tried to talk to him, and I swear he gets scared just discussing it, as if she'll overhear it.

My husband is going to pull him aside at work and try to figure out what's going on. He's seriously considered getting their chain of command involved, but we're not sure if they can or will do anything, let alone anything that will actually help (that's a whole 'nother rant about his chain of command). I've asked him to get our friend over here and see if I can talk to him, but just getting him to our apartment can be a problem because of her.

We've told him straight out that this is NOT how a marriage should work. He sees how laidback we are - I "let" my husband go out, I don't keep him on a leash, etc - and thinks it's unusual. He brushes it off as "Well, she's [insert nationality]." I retorted with "And she isn't in [country] anymore, so I don't fucking care." He makes excuses, brushes it off, claims he's used to it, but the whole time he's telling us how it doesn't bother him that much, you can feel his blood pressure going up. Talks faster, hands shake, averts his eyes, etc.

I'm serious, it's so obvious, and I hate feeling this fucking helpless. I'm getting choked up just writing this because my friend is going through hell and there's nothing I can do about it. We've told him he's always welcome here, we're giving him a house key so he can get in even if we're not here, we've told him we're always here if he needs to talk...but it's getting worse and worse.

I suppose we could call the police. But there are two big problems with that:

1. We haven't witnessed anything that's actually grounds for arrest or police involvement.
2. My husband and our friend ARE the police.

What do I do??

I should add here that the only reason this bitch hasn' gotten an earful of tt42's patented ass-chewing is that I'm afraid of the backlash on him. I've got teeth marks in my tongue from keeping myself from letting her have it, and the only thing holding me back is my concern about what she'll do to him afterward.

Thanks for the advice, all.

He's coming over tonight for something else, and we're going to have a talk with him. We'll see what happens...