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book_maven
07-24-2005, 06:26 AM
When using a bag of frozen peas to ice an injured body part, make sure it is an unopened bag.

Inspired
07-24-2005, 06:41 AM
Here's one I learned the other day:

:Lecture: When opening the back of your mini-van, LOOK FIRST!

You never know when the dog crate, which was leaning against the door, might come flying out at you and scrape your bare legs.

I do think the pin-stripes make me look leaner and taller. . . and bloodier.

Pthom
07-24-2005, 11:30 AM
When frying bacon in the nude, always put on an apron.

And never turn your back to the stove.

Unique
07-24-2005, 03:42 PM
When mowing around your apple trees, remember those apples get bigger over time <thunk> and adjust your mowing pattern accordingly.

aspier
07-24-2005, 03:53 PM
And who falleth closest to the apple tree? Easy ... the farmer picking the appels.

Honey Nut Loop
07-24-2005, 07:24 PM
When going to the toilet check the bog roll first!

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse
07-24-2005, 07:26 PM
doh!

JoeEkaitis
07-25-2005, 09:39 PM
Whatever you lost will be found in the last place you look, so look there first.

DaveKuzminski
07-25-2005, 09:53 PM
Gee, I didn't know there was that much of a market among steers for manure. ;)

DragonHeart
07-26-2005, 03:47 AM
When opening a window or a door, make sure it's unlocked first.

~My mom actually did that awhile back. She got upset because she couldn't open the window. When I checked to see what the problem was, it turned out the window in question was locked...

~DragonHeart~

Maryn
07-26-2005, 05:28 AM
When opening a window or a door, make sure it's unlocked first.

~My mom actually did that awhile back. She got upset because she couldn't open the window. When I checked to see what the problem was, it turned out the window in question was locked...

~DragonHeart~Haha, that reminded me of the time my dad was flown from Phoenix to Minneapolis, first class (because those were the only seats available) to troubleshoot a mainframe computer that was down. This was in the olden tymes when guys who could figure out this stuff were rare and valuable.

The cleaning staff had accidentally unplugged it when they swept.

Maryn, remembering Dad's glee when telling this story

Perks
07-26-2005, 05:44 AM
When baking a pie, make sure it's cinnamon you're shaking into the filling... not cayenne pepper.

Cajun apple pie is very, um, memorable.

poetinahat
07-26-2005, 05:57 AM
If you're travelling to an area where the drinking water is suspect, do _not_ drink lots of extra water just before boarding the plane... unless you are a camel.

A high school classmate suggested we do so just before flying from Moscow to Leningrad. The rest of us nearly passed out from laughing.

poetinahat
07-26-2005, 06:02 AM
Another tip: formatting a disk is not the best way to gain more memory. I learned this at 4AM in college, after completing a paper due the next day.

Note: I took the subway across town to write the paper on a friend's "word processor", which gives you an idea of how long ago it was. It was all so new then.

Pthom
07-27-2005, 01:05 AM
When baking a pie, make sure it's cinnamon you're shaking into the filling... not cayenne pepper.

Cajun apple pie is very, um, memorable.

When poaching halibut, make sure it's paprika in the spice bottle and NOT cinnamon.

Cinnamon halibut is probably every bit as memorable as is cajun apple pie...if not more so.

Pthom
07-27-2005, 01:08 AM
If you're travelling to an area where the drinking water is suspect, do _not_ drink lots of extra water just before boarding the plane... unless you are a camel.

A high school classmate suggested we do so just before flying from Moscow to Leningrad. The rest of us nearly passed out from laughing.

When on a strenuous hike alongside a sparkling-clear mountain brook, do not eat an entire package of dried apples.

The water will slake your thirst ... temporarily. And the remainder of the hike will be very memorable.

JoeEkaitis
07-27-2005, 01:12 AM
Rule One When Stopping at an Italian Restaurant on a Road Trip:

Who eats no garlic shall not complain about the smell of garlic.

WriteRead
07-28-2005, 10:56 PM
Garlic is known as "The Stinking Rose" and there's a restaurant in San Francisco named so where EVERYTHING is made of/w, you guessed, garlic. Never been there, was told so.

When your cat is vomitting on your treasured pink carpet, and mine, a beeeeeeeeauuuuutiful black cat, named Romeo, which is really gay, by the way it holds his front paws together, DON'T, BUT DON'T, under penalty of law, clean it right away. Let it dry and then and ONLY then peel it off (yes, it peels off sooooo easily) and brush w your hardest brush, then clean the remains, et voila, no stain.

And while drinking a good glass of chilled Riesling (hey, don't laugh, the bottle cost me $17, yes, seventeen, at the local dinner theater when listening to Story Musgrave, the astronaut who was the chief technician at the Hubble repair flight; a farm boy, an air mechanic, a pilot, a surgeon and an astronaut!! Now isn't he a marvel? To put the icing on it all, he is 70, looking 50, reading W/O glasses), yours truly,

Dan

Honey Nut Loop
07-29-2005, 10:45 PM
When recovering from an alcoholfest you really don't want to know what happened the night before.

MadScientistMatt
07-29-2005, 10:55 PM
Always wear disposable latex gloves when handling chili peppers. If you forget the gloves, do not remove your contact lenses until several hours afterwards.

SRHowen
07-30-2005, 03:36 AM
Garlic is known as "The Stinking Rose" and there's a restaurant in San Francisco named so where EVERYTHING is made of/w, you guessed, garlic. Never been there, was told so.


Town called Gillroy in CA where everythign smells liek garlic and you can get garlic ice cream. It's gross.

Shawn

WriteRead
07-30-2005, 05:03 AM
Town called Gillroy in CA where everythign smells liek garlic and you can get garlic ice cream. It's gross.

Shawn
Right, Shawn, it's this little CA town, Gillroy, known as "the garlic place" or whatever, but I was told that in SF there's such a restaurant.

Dan

BlueTexas
08-03-2005, 06:45 AM
When making strawberry daquiris in a brand new blender, make sure the glass chamber is SUPPOSED to be unscrewed when you remove it to pour the drinks...else your daquiri makes a nice puddle on the countertop.

The new ones do not work like the old 1960's avacado green osters that never die. Ask my countertop.

katiemac
08-03-2005, 08:10 AM
Town called Gillroy in CA where everythign smells liek garlic and you can get garlic ice cream. It's gross.

Hit up Maine and you can get lobster ice cream. And no, I'm not joking, but I wish I was.

aadams73
08-03-2005, 01:13 PM
When changing channel on remote control, it is ideal to make sure the TV is on. Otheriwse, you look like a real idiot, even if only the cat is present.

Paint
08-03-2005, 09:44 PM
Never turn the Kitchen Aid Mixer on full blast when mashing potatoes.

book_maven
08-21-2005, 01:31 AM
If you must fall out of a kayak, do it in open water. The harbor's oil slicks do not make your hair look better.

JoeEkaitis
08-21-2005, 01:58 AM
The loudest part of the movie will suddenly become the quietest part of the movie at the exact moment you have deemed safe to relieve gastrointestinal pressure.