Superhero or ape?

scarletpeaches · Nov 2, 2009

Many are the times I've enjoyed the late-night drunken conversation about who'd win a fight between Batman and Superman. The commonest verdict is Batman, with reasons varying from "He's just harder, innit?" to "His batsuit has batnipples! Does Superman have supernipples? I don't think so!"

Well let's move things on a tad.

I want to know - who'd win a fight between Batman (technically not a 'super' hero, but for the purposes of this argument he is) and a baboon?

Batman being in his Christian Bale guise, Michael Caine being his second.

The baboon is naked and very, very angry, though not, repeat not rabid.

He's just really, really pissed off.

The baboon's second is a Barbary Macaque carrying a half-eaten banana.

sheadakota · Nov 2, 2009

is there a utility belt involved?

scarletpeaches · Nov 2, 2009

There is, but Batman has it.

sheadakota · Nov 2, 2009

oOoo tough call- still gotta go with the baboon-he's pissed off and have you seen those teeth?

scarletpeaches · Nov 2, 2009

Point taken.

Can't wait 'til KTC sees this thread.

Mr Flibble · Nov 2, 2009

Batman

He kicked seven shades of snot out of Superman anyway. Besides, he's way sexier than a baboon, which clearly makes him win

scarletpeaches · Nov 2, 2009

Every time you post, that damn signature quote makes baby Jesus cry.

D)

Mr Flibble · Nov 2, 2009

One more reason to keep it

FOREVAH!

scarletpeaches · Nov 2, 2009

I would have thought you'd quote the part where I publicly declared IDIOTSRUS WAS RIGHT.

Gregg · Nov 2, 2009

Batman - he's a superhero so he can't lose.

AnonymousWriter · Nov 2, 2009

The baboon obviously.

JoNightshade · Nov 2, 2009

Batman has already fought Gorilla Grodd a couple of times, so I'm guessing the baboon loses big time.

Also, in a fight between Batman and _______, Batman always kicks ass. He just does. I mean, he created a satellite to collect info and create a database of the weaknesses of every superhero/villain on earth. Okay, so it kind of backfired, but still.

bettielee · Nov 2, 2009

Batman - he has all those wonderful toys...

Jcomp · Nov 2, 2009

The rule of thumb is that if he has time to prepare, Batman can beat anyone. Or anything. I'd put money on Batman over Death itself if you told him it was coming tomorrow. He'd have an anti-death Batarang ready...

kayleamay · Nov 2, 2009

I have to go with the baboon. Not really because I'm convinced the baboon would win, but because I want the baboon to win. I hate that fake voice Christian Bale used in the Batman movies. I hope the baboon starts with his vocal chords.

KTC · Nov 2, 2009

Clearly, Batman cannot do a thing without his tights. Those would be taken from him in minute one. His ears? The hors d'oeuvres of minute two. And lets face it, people...a faceless Batman ain't gonna be no sort of aim to high-chop a flailing baboon. The poor bastard won't know what happened to him after the face leaves him. No, I'm not talking about the mask. The mask would have been lost somewhere between minute two and minute three. The face...after playing with the poor fool, and teasing the hell out of him, the baboon would finally tear it to shreds in minute five. Where are we? Okay...five minutes. Batguy is standing in nothing but one glove and a spouting neck. He's about to topple, but what's that? Who's that there? The baboon loses focus for just an itty bitty second. Why, it's Boy Wonder. Minute seven? Boy Wonder gets turned into something resembling guacamole....with a pretty red swirl, of course. So, now the baboon is wearing a pretty side-kick costume and pulling at that God damned glove that just won't come off. The Batface is pulsing on the ground and the quivering Battorso is now on its knees. Side-kick costumed baboon laughs just a little bit before pushing the Batgoo down to the ground and stepping up and down on it in a victory dance. Minute ten? Babman, the new Super Hero for the 00's, drives off in his new flash ride...on the way to the Bab Cave to trick out everything...I mean, bats are so passe. The Baboon knows that all the logos need to be changed to a swooping baboon. He's got a big job ahead of him!

KTC · Nov 2, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
Can't wait 'til KTC sees this thread.

What's that?

scarletpeaches · Nov 2, 2009

KTC said:
Clearly, Batman cannot do a thing without his tights. Those would be taken from him in minute one. His ears? The hors d'oeuvres of minute two. And lets face it, people...a faceless Batman ain't gonna be no sort of aim to high-chop a flailing baboon. The poor bastard won't know what happened to him after the face leaves him. No, I'm not talking about the mask. The mask would have been lost somewhere between minute two and minute three. The face...after playing with the poor fool, and teasing the hell out of him, the baboon would finally tear it to shreds in minute five. Where are we? Okay...five minutes. Batguy is standing in nothing but one glove and a spouting neck. He's about to topple, but what's that? Who's that there? The baboon loses focus for just an itty bitty second. Why, it's Boy Wonder. Minute seven? Boy Wonder gets turned into something resembling guacamole....with a pretty red swirl, of course. So, now the baboon is wearing a pretty side-kick costume and pulling at that God damned glove that just won't come off. The Batface is pulsing on the ground and the quivering Battorso is now on its knees. Side-kick costumed baboon laughs just a little bit before pushing the Batgoo down to the ground and stepping up and down on it in a victory dance. Minute ten? Babman, the new Super Hero for the 00's, drives off in his new flash ride...on the way to the Bab Cave to trick out everything...I mean, bats are so passe. The Baboon knows that all the logos need to be changed to a swooping baboon. He's got a big job ahead of him!

And this is why I love you.

KTC · Nov 2, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
And this is why I love you.

Quoted for posterity, but not posteriority.

I knows me my baboons.

Priene · Nov 2, 2009

Batman would win after six issues of over-padded gratuitous violence when the baboon would be unmasked as the Riddler. Two years later they'd retcon it so the banana turned out to be a mind-controlling alien with a hatred of primate nakedness.

Then they'd make a really portentous film about it. Hugh Jackman as Batman, Kirsten Dunst would look winsome as the baboon, and Eddie Izzard would ham it up as the banana. Nobody would understand the ending.

BenPanced · Nov 2, 2009

All rise for the Baboonistan Nashnul Amfum

:Sun:

O Baboonistan!
Our home and native land!
True turnip love in all thy sons command.
With glowing asses we see thee rise,
The True Primates strong and free!
From far and wide, O Baboonistan,
We rip faces off for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Baboonistan, we rip faces off for thee.
O Baboonistan, we rip faces off for thee.

:LilLove:

sydney · Nov 2, 2009

scarletpeaches · Nov 3, 2009

BenPanced said:
O Baboonistan!
Our home and native land!
True turnip love in all thy sons command.
With glowing asses we see thee rise,
The True Primates strong and free!
From far and wide, O Baboonistan,
We rip faces off for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Baboonistan, we rip faces off for thee.
O Baboonistan, we rip faces off for thee.

That's priddy. :LilLove:

sheadakota · Nov 3, 2009

BenPanced said:
O Baboonistan!
Our home and native land!
True turnip love in all thy sons command.
With glowing asses we see thee rise,
The True Primates strong and free!
From far and wide, O Baboonistan,
We rip faces off for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Baboonistan, we rip faces off for thee.
O Baboonistan, we rip faces off for thee.

I'm all choked up here. *sniff*
That was beautiful, man.

KTC · Nov 3, 2009

He's been copying and pasting that beauty since the baboon began to rise up, people.

Superhero or ape?

Who would win a fight between...

Batman

Baboon

part of the human equation

part of the human equation

They've been very bad, Mr Flibble

They've been very bad, Mr Flibble

Life is good

has finally arrived

I'm a sparkly fairy princess!

I'm on the phone.

Stand in the Place Where You Live

Stand in the Place Where You Live

Stand in the Place Where You Live

Out to lunch

THE BLUEBERRY QUEEN OF HADES (he/him)

part of the human equation

Stand in the Place Where You Live