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wanda45451964
11-02-2009, 08:23 PM
I am doing abook on domestic violence where the hero is a plastic surgeon and he is in the Face to Face program here in Ga, and the heroine is a legal worker that helps women re locate. I did some research last night about the program above wbut would like some more detail one this program and if dentist are also involved in it. I have found a eye doctor that is and just a doctor that does the nose and one that does the genral plastic surgery. I want to get it near to relaity but still keep it fictional but enough to where some women that pick it up will get some use out of it. Really need some of the legal stuff that they do to help in relocating. I plan to list the face to face numbers and anything like that in the front of the book. can anyone help. i think that this is one cause that needs to be looked at.

Smish
11-02-2009, 08:33 PM
"My publisher likes this idea a lot." Who is your publisher? Most publishers aren't going to work with unpublished authors until after the novel is complete, polished, accepted, etc.

As for research, there's probably a women's crisis center in your area. Why not volunteer? That way, you'd not only be learning about the issue, but actually helping victims of domestic violence.

escritora
11-02-2009, 11:10 PM
Really need some of the legal stuff that they do to help in relocating.

In another thread I volunteered to answer your questions. I'd like to know what "legal stuff" you have in mind? I worked in a safe house and can only provide insight from that side. There isn't a whole lot of legal stuff because the women were only in the safe house for three months (though some did qualify for extensions). We helped them with child custody issues (that was a legal issue), finding a new place to live (not a legal issue), therapy (not a legal issue).

The safe house I worked in was secretive so the women had to quit their jobs and go on welfare, regardless of their profession. Not all safe houses work in this manner.

Also, the overwhelming majority of the women in the safe house live in the same county where the safe house is located. From my experience, it was rare for a women from a different part of the State or a different State entirely to uproot.

wanda45451964
11-03-2009, 12:33 AM
I was talking about like for the extreme cases where the woman was in the hospital, and having to go through that face to face program for free plastic surgery. i was wandering if you ever dealt with that kind of thing. They really have to live oin that county or state. Baiscally,m where they really have to be hidden very well, in another state. Was wandering if you ran across them.

wanda45451964
11-03-2009, 12:34 AM
but will take a mix of both of them. I would like to think that women will leave after the first time.

escritora
11-03-2009, 01:12 AM
Baiscally,m where they really have to be hidden very well, in another state. Was wandering if you ran across them.

There were women in the safe house that came from a different State. The main reasons for that was because the safe house in their State was full or because she wanted to move out of State. We only accommodated the latter when no children were involved or if there were children involved the father was out of the picture. Please know that whether the women stayed within her State or left she was very well hidden.

That said, I'm wondering if by "hidden very well" you mean an underground safe haven where the woman is provided with a new identity. "Regular" safe houses don't operate that way. They stay above the law.


I would like to think that women will leave after the first time.

Statistically women leave and go back to the abuser seven times before they leave permanently.

I'm also curious to know who your publisher is.

veinglory
11-03-2009, 01:18 AM
It seems to me that the goal is often to resolve the situation in the woman's favor, rather than her having to flee. A man who hit a woman so hard she needed plastic surgery should end up behind bars IMHO.

wanda45451964
11-03-2009, 02:58 AM
Yes, thats what i meant those underground safe house, but will take the other ones also, I have been researching all afternoon, and so far according to that face to face program they get the counseling first, then they get that but theya re still hidden away, so thankfully I havent started the manuscript itself. i have found a couple of doctors also that do this kind of work for free, need to find a dentist also.
To vein glory, What I have read on these sites. well its awful, youa re talking about, black eyes and broken noses and all kinds of things, and scars, over the the years it causes alot of damage. Yes, they should end up behind bars the first time and not after years of doing it, and as she states above most keep going back. I wouldnt be like that. I have always been on theory that if a man hits a woman once or cheats on her, he will again.It doesnt stop on either of them. i just want to help a woman, if nothing else maybe a woman will pick it up that knows someone like that, believe me we all know. I knew the minute my bestfriend got married to her husband that he would do that, and he has did both to her over the years. I dont think he has in a few years, but we dont know that he hasnt either. none of us can figure out why she needs him, he doesnt work he doesnt do anything at all to help her, and yes she has left before.We have no clue why she stays. there are other woemn just like her out there. To the above poster if you pm, then i will tell you who the publisher is. have to goa nd cook supper right quick but will get back to you.

Carmy
11-11-2009, 04:30 AM
Statistically women leave and go back to the abuser seven times before they leave permanently.

Absolutely right, if they survive the first time they go back and the man knows they've been talking to counsellors at a women's shelter.

Tsu Dho Nimh
11-12-2009, 04:20 PM
I did some research last night about the program above wbut would like some more detail one this program and if dentist are also involved in it.

For that program, you would have to call or write and ask them.

I know some dentists in the Phoenix area will work with shelters doing things like fixing broken teeth. For serious mouth and jaw damage, there are "maxillofacial" surgeons who specialize in reconstructing the jaw and mouth area ... often with the help of a plastic surgeon (but if she's beat up that bad, one would hope she's in hospital)


Really need some of the legal stuff that they do to help in relocating.
The only legalities would be protective orders, custody of children, and divorce.

Women can sign leases, enroll their kids in school, and open bank accounts without a husband's signature.

Tsu Dho Nimh
11-12-2009, 04:47 PM
I was talking about like for the extreme cases where the woman was in the hospital, and having to go through that face to face program for free plastic surgery.

In some states, Arizona for example, bashing that badly would bring charges of assault against the man ... with or without the woman's cooperation.


Baiscally,m where they really have to be hidden very well, in another state. Was wandering if you ran across them.

The only "hiding" that goes on in the Phoenix area is that no one will confirm whether or not a certain person is in a shelter, and it's impossible to see past the reception area. Incoming women are picked up by shelter staff from the hospital or sometimes the police station or church or the corner in front of their house .... wherever it works. And they usually have a cop or two with them.

I doubt there is a hidden network of deeply secretive shelters to tap into. Perhaps you are confusing domestic violence shelters with the network of women who hide children and their mothers in disputed custody cases.


I knew the minute my bestfriend got married to her husband that he would do that, and he has did both to her over the years. I dont think he has in a few years, but we dont know that he hasnt either. none of us can figure out why she needs him, he doesnt work he doesnt do anything at all to help her, and yes she has left before.We have no clue why she stays.

When you understand why she keeps going back, you are ready to write the book. You need to start by researching the psychology of abusers and their targets ... by the time the hitting starts there has been a systematic dismantling of the woman's support structure and self-confidence.

Just go to the library, look up domestic violence and start reading.

Canotila
11-12-2009, 10:28 PM
When you understand why she keeps going back, you are ready to write the book. You need to start by researching the psychology of abusers and their targets ... by the time the hitting starts there has been a systematic dismantling of the woman's support structure and self-confidence.

Just go to the library, look up domestic violence and start reading.

^^^ This X1000. Until you understand where they are coming from, the abuse pattern, and the reasons behind returning to the abuser, you won't be able to help them. Any woman who reads your book and is one of the women you are trying to reach won't see herself in your story. This is coming from one of those women who stayed for 5 years before finally leaving.

wanda45451964
11-12-2009, 11:15 PM
I dont know about why she stayed except that she kept thinking he would change and thats all i can think, of and she wanted to prove something to mom and dad. I have no idea though. hes as low as they come. He doesnt work at all. Sure he hasn't beat her or anything for years but he doesnt work and support her either, doesnt contribute anything, she could kick him out now and be better off, after all shes the one that works and takes care of everything. what made you leave. I know alot of women in this place and most didnt have a job or anyone to help them and the only reason they did leave was the final beating or he cheated and left himself. Thats how they got out of it. Then some got out by being killed. Rough way to do that.

Canotila
11-13-2009, 12:35 AM
In my own personal case, the abuser spent a couple of years being superficially charming before he began abusing in earnest. At that point, I honestly did care about him and couldn't figure out what happened to the person I fell in love with. I did think that if I was patient enough, good enough, worked hard enough to please him he'd go back to the way he was when we first met.

A big part of the brainwashing done by abusers is getting their victims to genuinely care for them, and then exploiting that. In my case, he would do horrible things to me and then he'd cry afterward and say he was so sorry, that he'd never do it again, that he was so ashamed he would kill himself if anybody else found out. He'd also shift the blame to me, pointing out things I'd done that caused him to lose his self control. At that point I'd been so torn down by him, I believed it was true. I allowed him to take my voice away, believing that if I spoke up or got help for any of the things he did, he would kill himself and it would be my fault he was dead.

Remember that most victims in the course of abuse are not functioning in a rational state of mind. Their world has been torn down and presented to them in a faulty way, and their minds accept it as the truth.

In my case, I did start to see what he was doing, but wasn't in a position to do much about it. Sadly, my reprieve came when his interest turned to another woman. It was very messy, ugly, and I tried to warn her but he painted me as a psycho stalker ex, and she believed him. He ended up trying his control tactics on her too soon into their relationship and she did get away from him. I have no idea where he is now.

Part of the problem I think, is people's minds tend to block out negative things that happen. My dad wasn't very nice at times, and honestly my mom has zero memory of him ever cussing at us kids, even though it was a daily occurrence. The same thing has happened to me, years later I am remembering whole months that were just blank in my mind, and it's not pretty. I think if I had remembered those things sooner, I might have done something to escape sooner.

As an example, one time I was standing at the top of the stairs. Everything went black and I woke up lying at the bottom of the stairs with my nose split open. The day after it happened I went to class and one of my professors even pulled me aside and had a talk with me about domestic violence, and tried to get me to call some hotline for help. At the time, I thought he was crazy. Admittedly, it did sound pretty dumb when I told him I just fell down the stairs, but that's honestly all that I thought had happened. For years after the relationship ended, I thought I just had a bout of low blood sugar, blacked out, and fell. Then one of those blocks of memory came back, and now I remember being pushed down those stairs. To this day I am not sure which memory is true, and it drives me crazy. I think a big factor in it taking so long for me to get out was these gaps of memory, which the abuser took advantage of to twist the reality of things.

Carmy
11-13-2009, 04:34 AM
Wanda -- have you talked to anyone at the nearest women's shelter?

Before I published an article on battered women in this region, I sent a questionnaire to several women's shelters. Most replied and gave me added information and specifics. Rightly or wrongly, whether it applies to the world in general or just to this particular area, one of the main points was that the abuser isolates his victim. She has no family around for support, and rarely will he allow her to have close friends. He is usually that controlling.

Think about it. She's on her own in a strange place, probably depends on him for financial support, so what is she to do? People who meet him think him charming and would have a hard time seeing him as an abuser.

Shame on her part may keep her from letting family and friends know what's happening. He tells her it's her fault he had to beat her. At the bottom of it all is the hope that he will never do it again.

Canotila is right when she says the victim is not functioning rationally. Before the physical abuse begins, there is usually a lot of emotional abuse in place and the victim is often made to feel worthless and "nobody else would want you."

Like Canotila, I speak from personal experience. I also spent a year doing volunteer counselling at a women's shelter. One of the hardest things counsellors have to do is build a victim's confidence and convince her she can make it on her own without him.

What gave me the courage leave the abusive relationship? My nine-year-old daughter was at risk of being his next victim.

Tsu Dho Nimh
11-14-2009, 08:11 PM
Before the physical abuse begins, there is usually a lot of emotional abuse in place and the victim is often made to feel worthless and "nobody else would want you."

Abusers are very good at finding someone they can abuse ... they don't start the relationship with a face-pounding. It's little things, tiny criticisms, making you feel that you never can be quite good enough and make the abuser feel better about themselves.

Then those aren't enough to make them feel better, so it escalates into yelling and threats and shaking and shoving ... with an apologetic honeymoon stage after each incident.

It spirals down from there, because what used to work to make the abuser feel better stops working and they have to escalate frequency or violence.

**********
I dated a guy who (I found out later) abused his previous and subsequent girlfriends ... our relationship was short because I didn't react to the early stages like a victim would. He criticized, I told him that he knew what I was like before we started dating.

He actually threatened to hit me to "straighten me out" and I told him that assault charges would be filed if he ever touched me again and walked out. I ended up testifying about it when he put his next girlfriend in the hospital.