Theoretically Speaking…
I’m reading a lot of posts over in the “Ask the Agent” and “Ask the Editor” sections about the horrors of not having agent and how hard it is to be taken seriously. Really depressing stuff, especially if you’re having trouble finding an agent, like me.
Theoretically Speaking- couldn’t I just make up an agent? Now instead of spending my time productively by writing, spending time with my wife, or digging a hole to china I’ve been brainstorming a concept… whacha think:
1. Think of a good agent name. I’m thinking “Adam Nordstrom” from “Miller and Nordstrom Literary Associates LLC”
2. Print up stationary. I’ve been looking at the quality of some of the rejection letters I’ve gotten and this wouldn’t be very hard at all. In fact, since I own a lazer printer (yes with a damn Z, get off me!) my faux stationary would actually exceed some of the stuff I’ve been getting.
3. Establish a P.O. Box in NYC. Again, not hard.
4. Forward the NYC mail to my house in OK. Because thats where I live, silly!
5. Get a NYC phone number. People are going to want to call Adam Nordstrom, power agent that he is. Gotta be ready damn it!
6. Forward the NYC calls to my phone. Adam’s too busy to be bothered with phone calls, him living in my imagination and all. Looks like I’ll be taking his calls, pretending to be him, of course.
7. Get listed in the “Writers Market.” How much could this possibly cost? Miller and Nordstrom is a “respectable” agency! Its listed!
8. Build a website. Real agents have websites. Probably the most time consuming part, but considering some of the gems I’ve seen online it wouldn’t have to be a masterpiece of HTML. However it would have to be a fully functional site with submission guidelines and everything.
9. Reject all of YOUR submissions. Chances are, getting my faux agency in “Writers Market” and building a website would get me a number of submissions by aspiring authors (like me!) “Thank you for sending us this Material. We’re sorry, but it doesn’t meet our present needs. Sincerely, Miller and Norstrom Literary Associates LLC” Some of you will come here and post on AW, “submitted to Miller and Nordstrom and got rejected.” While I hate deceiving you, “real” agents reject people and this would only bolster my fake agency’s credibility. “I wish you the best of luck in your publishing endeavors.”
10. Submit my M.S. to people through “Miller and Nordstrom” I’m getting really good at sending stuff through the USPS. The only difference would my Query letters would say Miller and Nordstrom” on them. I know, I know I’d be sending out of OK. How do I plan to rectify this? I don’t. Chances are whoever gets my submissions won’t bother checking the postmark and just send their replies to my NYC P.O. Box.
11. Get an offer. My writing rocks, this is the easiest part! Now I wouldn’t be able to do a lot of intense negotiating of my offer, seeing as my agent doesn’t exist. I’d pretty much take the first offer they threw out, but a bad offer is sometimes better than no offer, Right?
12. Kill my agent. The day I go into “Big Time Publishing House, INC.” to sign my contract they might ask, “Where is your agent, author?” and I’ll just be forced to break the news to him that Adam Nordstrom and everyone who worked over at his agency went white water rafting in Colorado for the weekend and got themselves killed trying to take a class 5 rapid. Adam died as he lived, pushing it to the limit. He will be sorely missed. But Adam would want me to sign my contract and get published without him. He would want me to move on with my life! I will donate his 15% commision to a worthy cause (my bills)
13. Be published. I’m not a published author, but I can only imagine that this is pretty awesome.
14. Get a real agent. I’m a published author now! I need real representation!
SO there you go…. Whatcha think?
I’m reading a lot of posts over in the “Ask the Agent” and “Ask the Editor” sections about the horrors of not having agent and how hard it is to be taken seriously. Really depressing stuff, especially if you’re having trouble finding an agent, like me.
Theoretically Speaking- couldn’t I just make up an agent? Now instead of spending my time productively by writing, spending time with my wife, or digging a hole to china I’ve been brainstorming a concept… whacha think:
1. Think of a good agent name. I’m thinking “Adam Nordstrom” from “Miller and Nordstrom Literary Associates LLC”
2. Print up stationary. I’ve been looking at the quality of some of the rejection letters I’ve gotten and this wouldn’t be very hard at all. In fact, since I own a lazer printer (yes with a damn Z, get off me!) my faux stationary would actually exceed some of the stuff I’ve been getting.
3. Establish a P.O. Box in NYC. Again, not hard.
4. Forward the NYC mail to my house in OK. Because thats where I live, silly!
5. Get a NYC phone number. People are going to want to call Adam Nordstrom, power agent that he is. Gotta be ready damn it!
6. Forward the NYC calls to my phone. Adam’s too busy to be bothered with phone calls, him living in my imagination and all. Looks like I’ll be taking his calls, pretending to be him, of course.
7. Get listed in the “Writers Market.” How much could this possibly cost? Miller and Nordstrom is a “respectable” agency! Its listed!
8. Build a website. Real agents have websites. Probably the most time consuming part, but considering some of the gems I’ve seen online it wouldn’t have to be a masterpiece of HTML. However it would have to be a fully functional site with submission guidelines and everything.
9. Reject all of YOUR submissions. Chances are, getting my faux agency in “Writers Market” and building a website would get me a number of submissions by aspiring authors (like me!) “Thank you for sending us this Material. We’re sorry, but it doesn’t meet our present needs. Sincerely, Miller and Norstrom Literary Associates LLC” Some of you will come here and post on AW, “submitted to Miller and Nordstrom and got rejected.” While I hate deceiving you, “real” agents reject people and this would only bolster my fake agency’s credibility. “I wish you the best of luck in your publishing endeavors.”
10. Submit my M.S. to people through “Miller and Nordstrom” I’m getting really good at sending stuff through the USPS. The only difference would my Query letters would say Miller and Nordstrom” on them. I know, I know I’d be sending out of OK. How do I plan to rectify this? I don’t. Chances are whoever gets my submissions won’t bother checking the postmark and just send their replies to my NYC P.O. Box.
11. Get an offer. My writing rocks, this is the easiest part! Now I wouldn’t be able to do a lot of intense negotiating of my offer, seeing as my agent doesn’t exist. I’d pretty much take the first offer they threw out, but a bad offer is sometimes better than no offer, Right?
12. Kill my agent. The day I go into “Big Time Publishing House, INC.” to sign my contract they might ask, “Where is your agent, author?” and I’ll just be forced to break the news to him that Adam Nordstrom and everyone who worked over at his agency went white water rafting in Colorado for the weekend and got themselves killed trying to take a class 5 rapid. Adam died as he lived, pushing it to the limit. He will be sorely missed. But Adam would want me to sign my contract and get published without him. He would want me to move on with my life! I will donate his 15% commision to a worthy cause (my bills)
13. Be published. I’m not a published author, but I can only imagine that this is pretty awesome.
14. Get a real agent. I’m a published author now! I need real representation!
SO there you go…. Whatcha think?
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