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Sweet16
10-31-2009, 01:56 PM
Please would you kindly read my manuscript. It is just the first chapter and I would really love some feedback. I am new at this writing thing, so I am sure I could use alot of help. Thank you and please also state whether or not you would read this book, your score out of ten and what I could do to improve the story.

" RICHES TO RAGS( well kinda)"


Chapter One

‘Oh My Gosh! This is gonna be the party of the year Tiff” I squealed while I was sitting on my pink heart pillow and ‘I love You’ teddy bears sprawled all over my big pillows which occupied most of the space on my twin size bed. Tiffany and I were in my favourite room in the house, which was my bedroom sipping Diet Cokes and munching on grapes (my mum was kind off a health freak) while listening to The Veronicas New CD.

I was home-alone since mum was at work and Thomas, my younger brother was at his friend’s house probably exchanging those Yugi-Oh cards and playing Nintendo and the only one who was at home is Precious our house keeper. The best hangout in the house to be with your best friend, and why? Because of the interior décor which created a vibe, like you were in a five-star hotel. Okay, maybe the hot pink walls with black imprints did not feel five-star-hotels nor did my twin size bed with teddy bears of all shapes and sizes and colors but it felt like Lisa-is. My whole personality displayed in this room with its black crystal chandelier, cheetah print chairs (seeing as I do live in Africa) and my walk in closet which was like being in another whole new realm. Over-top I guess.

“I mean really. If we do this right my Sweet 16 party is gonna be the most talked about in school” I said to Tiffany as she was sprawled on my cheetah print chair reading a copy seventeen magazine. “Of course Lisa, maybe you should have it on the beach?” “Ha-ha, yeah”.

Tiffany has been my BFF (best friend forever) since we’d have moved back to South Africa while living with my father, Dave Parker and brother in New York before our parents got divorced. My brother, Thomas and I had always stayed with both our parents, well sort of. All my life we’d travel the world as a family, seeing as my father was a struggling artist trying to make a living. So he was always on the go but his main work station was in Los Angeles, California where we stayed with our mother, since he was hardly at home or trying to be the next Picasso. Then at the time my mom was studying Journalism at UCLA too so we had been staying there since I was 10 for 4 and half years. Then my mom and dad would always argue about money and all.

So after she graduated she got sick of staying home being a housewife since that was not her kind of thing and we all packed out bags and left. So she took us and we moved back to South Africa, without my father seeing as they had already had disagreements about where we should stay and all that, and mom got full custody of us( after she filed for divorce). My mom was set on working for a major corporation and all and that is when she bought the house here in this posh, golf estate and where I meet Tiffany. I remember that day.

First day of grade 7, we had been assigned to the same class and everything at Milridge. I was just the new girl that day, with my jet black hair all neatly tied in a bun and the very unflattering navy blue and white tartan skirt which was way too long. I mean, you would feel uncomfortable if one day you are given no restrictions to what you can. None at all. You could wear whatever you pleased. So I went from my skinny leg jeans, fluffy boots and Abercrombie and Fitch hoodie to looking like some 1800s English school girl. And my hair had to be tied up, so I couldn’t let my loose jet black hair (weave) curl down onto my caramel colored skin. It so totally sucked but at least I could accessorize. With my bangles and all my hoop earrings and my Banana Republic tote bag which she recognized.

“OMG is that bag from the Banana Republic winter collection” Her jaw dropped.
“Uhm yeah” I thought, hey at least someone here shares my love and passion for fashion. I though Californians were the only fashionistas still left.
“But-but-it hasn’t even come here yet.” I laughed and nodded. I noticed that she had also been creative with her uniform because she had a diamond cross necklace on and this big diamante studs on her ears. And a metallic color headband was on her hair, which was also shoulder length like mine. She was down and she introduced herself and that’s where it all began and what was even greater was she lived in the same estate so we would go shopping and all that. And I being friends with Tiffany Lewis made you like popular, all through high schoolmate fl as ‘Ms. Hollywood’ since I had made. I was known at Milridge Prep as “. It was cool cause not only did we have the same taste in fashion but we also liked the same food (sushi and Dopier Zero chicken Thai salad and Diet coke), we loved the same music (Pop and RnB), we both came from pretty well off families and loved the same television shows (The Hills, Gossip, 90210-the best My Super Sweet Sixteen).


My eyes were gleaming with the excitement of the day that would come in a couple of months. It was January 13 and my birthday was in April. Approximately 3 months away. My mom found it crazy that I had already started making arrangements months before the date. Usually if there was a big function to be planned, mum would just call her Jenny and snap like that the whole thing is organized.

All aspects of the occasion were sorted. From the food, to the theme and even the way each little flower was arranged around the room. If there was more orange flowers in a bouquet even if it was one it would all be sorted. Down to every little detail. And when the deadline was tight a day. My mom was at times very demanding. I felt sorry for Jenny when mom would all of sudden decide to invite her friends for a dinner party. Poor Jenny would run around like a headless chicken doing what she is being paid to do. Get the décor to invites. And the caterers and the entertainment. My mothers plan for the bash was that Jenny organizes everything. That we call the local caterers and do the same fancy things and host the bash at our house (not that our house was a problem, but really I am not gonna have a bunch of teenagers skinny dipping in my pool and smoking hubbly bubbly in my backyard!). But the problem was what my mum and her friends would like you know. I don’t know how many teenagers would enjoy dining on hors d’hoveurs as appetizers, caviar and while ballroom dancing to Phantom of the Opera style music with the whole Soweto String Quartet there for entertainment. She found it even crazier what kind of party I wanted to have. Or should I say birthday bash. But there is no way she would say ‘no ‘to me when I told her that I wanted to rent out the Lorenzo Hotel in Krugersdorp. The most expensive party venue in Mzansi.

The price of that place was ridiculous but it was unique because not one of my friends had ever thrown a party there. It was often reserved for VIP events like Fashion Week, the SAMAs (South African music awards) etc. At least that is one thing we both agreed upon. The venue I mean. This was big day. I know that is what most brides to be say about their wedding day, but this is way better than my wedding day. Probably even more expensive than your typical bash. So one of my prime concerns was the entertainment. That was probably where I wanted Mom and Jenny’s help and the food and everything but I had to be in charge. This bash was not like the past 15 birthday parties I had. Mom would be of help in the entertainment department. Seeing as she is the chief executive for Glamour Queen Magazine, she has contacts with people in the music industry and could get me some coolest most demand artists in the country including the London Symphony Orchestra (the one she had at her 40th). Even international artists. Maybe someone like 50 Cent or Beyonce. A world full of possibilities.

She did understand this was not some little kiddies’ birthday party that had been thrown for me for the past 15 years of my life. This was like a milestone day for me. I wanted to make sure that this party was bigger than former president’s Nelson Mandela’s 46664 birthday celebrations or P. Daddy’s extravagant birthday bashes.

My BFF (best friend forever) of 3 years was at my house today helping me get ready for the first day of school which was tomorrow unfortunately. We always got together on the weekends to normally gossip about all the drama going on in Milridge Prep. As well as where we lived, Milridge Estate which was a golf and lifestyle estate built next door to a school with the same name. The owners must have taken a big piece of land and decided “Oh let me build an estate’. Then he probably realized that more people would come live here if there was a school on the doorstep of the residents’ homes. And who was this big brain behind the idea? Mr. John Lewis who was a major business man in the suburb of Milridge. Actually in the whole country in fact, owning property from London to Tokyo. He was Tiffany’s father by the way. That is why the Lewis Family was one of the most influential family here( along with my mom you know since she was a successful woman, mother of two running an empire).Tiffany had spent the whole afternoon here seeing as we would go back-to-school shopping and she lived a few blocks down from where I lived( well duh! Her dad was a founding member of the estate)

“Of course it is gonna be...” She grabbed a notebook from my Victorian bedside lamp and started scrawling a whole bunch of words on the pink paper in a finely print handwriting. Tiffany was helping me decide who the guests were gonna be. “Hey, do you think we should invite Jared since he is friends with Kyle?” One of the main reasons why Tiffany was of great help was because she was, just like the “IT” girls of Milridge Prep just like me. Okay, I know it’s kind of vain and shallow to crown yourself the “IT” girl of Milridge but who cares? We were. So this party would be filled with the A-lists of the school. I had a rep to protect. From. “And it’s great you know that your mother let you kind of take control you know”. She said as she placed her platinum blonde hair behind her ear. I nodded my head in agreement. But she said ‘kind of’ because o course I needed help from Mom and Jenny. Mostly financially. I mean who else would pay the 5000 rand an hour fee? Or the rapper who would grace the stage at Lorenzo? There was no budget for this party. The word budget to me is as foreign as the language spoken in Zurich. Whatever that was.

I heard a cell phone vibrating. It was my new (and 3rd phone this year and it was only January) Iphone classic. I picked it up. I was always so clumsy with my cellphones. They were either getting lost or stolen. Or the most likely situation, I just got tired of it. Trends change fast you know. One minute it’s Blackberries the next day its touch screens and such.

“OMG did you get a new phone…again?” Tiffany was used to me by now changing cellphones like I change clothes. She was now busy reading Seventeen magazines, obviously done with the guest list.

“Hey maybe you should hire a DJ or wait a live band’?
“Good idea, I seriously should hire you as my event coordinator” I was so fortunate to have a great friend like Tiffany because she was so good at planning this things and at times came up with the most absurd ideas.


“Hey what about a ship you know”
“Uhm, haven’t you watched Titanic?”
“I know I know, but the ship won’t be moving darling and you aren’t seasick are you?
“Ha-ha, I guess not. And I bet not every teenage girl has her bash on the sea?”
“True that but where would we get the water?”
“Oh we can throw the bash at my holiday resort in Hartebeespoort Dam. But that means Lorenzo is out the question.” I sighed. Lorenzo had to be the venue. There was simply no other venue I would rather have this party.
“Hey maybe Lorenzo could be the after-party or the after after party then everybody could stay at the suite and go home the next morning” Tiffany suggested. She always came up with the craziest ideas. We decided to put the Sweet Sixteen arrangements on the back burner for now. I mean we had 4 months right?

The rest of day we chilled in my room, listened to the Veronica’s new CD while jamming in my room and gossiped about the crazy people in our school. Then we decided to watch TV on my HD Plasma in my room. My room was so huge and spacious that I could stay there for the rest of my life. We watched the last week’s episode of Beverly Hills 90210 and the reality show I had been watching lately, my super sweet sixteen. You know for inspiration. The show was only 30 minutes long which was a bummer and al then devoured on Turkish delight chocolates while watching twilight for the 100th time. The movie saga about an ordinary young girl who moves to Forks, Washington and falls in love with a vampire

“Mmm...Edward is like a Turkish delight” Tiffany said. Comparing Robert Pattison to a chocolate? I asked her and why she would compare the vampire heartthrob to a Turkish delight.
“Because he’s hard on the outside soft and gooey on the inside” HAHA. Tiffany always cracked me up. Every time she would come over we would stuff our faces with Turkish Delights, and watch this movie again and again and always pausing to drool at the screen. If we ever entered the Guinness World Records we would surely be featured on the book of people who have watched Twilight the most times. We could even recite every single word said. I surely think Twilight is the best movie ever made in film history! I mean really, it should have won an Oscar.

“I love you Bella” We mimicked Edward as turned into a thousand, shiny luminous diamond crystals when he was exposed to Sunlight. The rest of the afternoon we watched the movie and the girl who got a Ferrari for her 16th birthday party and chatted about everything before Tiff had to go home. I would request a Ferrari for my birthday, but it would be pointless since the legal driving age in South Africa is 18.

bluehippo
10-31-2009, 04:22 PM
Hi Sweet16, you might be better off posting this in the Share Your Work Forum. It's nearer the bottom of the main page under The AW Writers Lab.

Sweet16
10-31-2009, 10:28 PM
thank you. I will do that