To All You Married Folks
- Thread starter Stunted
- Start date
1. marriage
2. kids
3. huge fight, almost got divorced, became closer than ever afterward
4. working through a tragedy together
5. deployments and home comings
6. don't know if this counts because it's not a one-time moment, but we day dream together, it's what has gotten us through some rough patches, we talk about all our hopes, what we'll do, where we'll be, and we just dream out loud. I peg those many moments as some of the greatest in our lives together.
There are moments in every relationship that define the marriage, for good or bad, and it's important to keep rethinking your definition and what you want it to be and to keep moving forward. In December, we'll have been married 14 years. The first seven were filled with a lot of great times, but we're really difficult for us. We're both stubborn, and we're both passionate. . .that can be a tricky mix. After that seven years, even through some terribly trying times, we don't really fight anymore, we know finally who we are as individuals and as a couple, we know what is expected of us and what we expect, and we have a lot of fun trying to outdo the other's expectation. When know when to walk away from a tiff, and when to let the other blow off steam, and when to tell the other to knock it off. It just works now, but it was more work than I could have ever imagined getting to this point, but oh man, was it worth it. It is awesome, indescribably awesome!
Don't know if that's what you were looking for. Hope that helped.
2. kids
3. huge fight, almost got divorced, became closer than ever afterward
4. working through a tragedy together
5. deployments and home comings
6. don't know if this counts because it's not a one-time moment, but we day dream together, it's what has gotten us through some rough patches, we talk about all our hopes, what we'll do, where we'll be, and we just dream out loud. I peg those many moments as some of the greatest in our lives together.
There are moments in every relationship that define the marriage, for good or bad, and it's important to keep rethinking your definition and what you want it to be and to keep moving forward. In December, we'll have been married 14 years. The first seven were filled with a lot of great times, but we're really difficult for us. We're both stubborn, and we're both passionate. . .that can be a tricky mix. After that seven years, even through some terribly trying times, we don't really fight anymore, we know finally who we are as individuals and as a couple, we know what is expected of us and what we expect, and we have a lot of fun trying to outdo the other's expectation. When know when to walk away from a tiff, and when to let the other blow off steam, and when to tell the other to knock it off. It just works now, but it was more work than I could have ever imagined getting to this point, but oh man, was it worth it. It is awesome, indescribably awesome!
Don't know if that's what you were looking for. Hope that helped.
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Tzalaran
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the day you met, wedding day, birth of children, the first fight that threatens the union (the response by both to this event will define the union from that day forward), today (not for any particular reason, but that day together will always determine the happiness of the couple).
hope that helps
hope that helps
It's an ex relationship and we ddn't have kids, but maybe that's good for you...
School/moving
Illness
Money Crisis
Parent's Illness/Death
Career Milestones, good or bad
I'll throw in Vacations/Travel as another 'good' event. Events are harder in the 'good' category, I think, because good things are more day-to-day, I think.
I don't know if that helps, but there ya go
eta: Oh! Maybe buying your first house together. [I still rented with my ex]
School/moving
Illness
Money Crisis
Parent's Illness/Death
Career Milestones, good or bad
I'll throw in Vacations/Travel as another 'good' event. Events are harder in the 'good' category, I think, because good things are more day-to-day, I think.
I don't know if that helps, but there ya go
eta: Oh! Maybe buying your first house together. [I still rented with my ex
]
I asked my husband and he said, "I hate these questions. I never know what the proper thing is to say. Yeah, I know that there's no proper thing, that's why I can't stand them."
Sorry....
Sorry....
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You go through the generic stuff like everyone else...proposal, kids, miscarriages (that's not generic to be cold, but it's the life stages)...anyhoo...
then...
WHAM!
He says something stupid and you look at him as if for the first time.
You realize: he's my best friend; my worst enemy.
Thank God for military--they make 'em go away.
Far away.
The heart heals...and you reconnect.
Then you get the real wake up call: deployment.
He's being shot at.
Your kid's deployed.
He's being shot at.
Now husband wears 3 hats: husband, soldier, burden carrier for wife's worries over son.
Then brother in law is deployed.
Husband no longer husband.
He's your best friend.
Because he's the only one you can tell it all to.
And he gets it.
Then he returns.
Silence.
He's seen Hell.
And in the silence, you begin a new kind of relationship.
Now YOU'RE the shoulder that carries the burdens none other would understand but you.
Now YOU'RE the soldier...on the homefront...
And when the son returns, hates the world, has watched his friends blown to pieces,
you and the husband silently take one anothers hand...and stand shoulder to shoulder against the world, it's bullshit and it's miracles.
So, yeah, we go through the generic stuff...but it's the life altering events that make and break the relationship...for better or for worse.
Most of us don't have 5 events.
We've a life time of 'em.
then...
WHAM!
He says something stupid and you look at him as if for the first time.
You realize: he's my best friend; my worst enemy.
Thank God for military--they make 'em go away.
Far away.
The heart heals...and you reconnect.
Then you get the real wake up call: deployment.
He's being shot at.
Your kid's deployed.
He's being shot at.
Now husband wears 3 hats: husband, soldier, burden carrier for wife's worries over son.
Then brother in law is deployed.
Husband no longer husband.
He's your best friend.
Because he's the only one you can tell it all to.
And he gets it.
Then he returns.
Silence.
He's seen Hell.
And in the silence, you begin a new kind of relationship.
Now YOU'RE the shoulder that carries the burdens none other would understand but you.
Now YOU'RE the soldier...on the homefront...
And when the son returns, hates the world, has watched his friends blown to pieces,
you and the husband silently take one anothers hand...and stand shoulder to shoulder against the world, it's bullshit and it's miracles.
So, yeah, we go through the generic stuff...but it's the life altering events that make and break the relationship...for better or for worse.
Most of us don't have 5 events.
We've a life time of 'em.
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Significant how? The happiest times? The events that put the relationship to the test? The events that made me realize she was the one? The ways she inspires me to want to better myself and the times this became apparent?
First of all, Inky, just based on your post, your writing is beautiful.
Here's my two cents although there isn't much of a comparison to that post:
The big life events haven't been as significant to our relationship as much as our reactions to each other during these events. (We've been married 6 years.)
For example:
Birth of our daughter- exciting and stressful time in our lives. Now, when I'm mad at him I think of how well he treated me during that time and how sensitive he was to my needs before his. I didn't have that perspective of him or our relationship before this huge event. It was all speculation and hope.
Currently dealing with the terminal illness of my Dad- We have an 18 month old at home and I work full time, but he makes sure to do everything possible to allow me the time and space I need to be with my father and my family as that time is slowly ending. His self-lessness is astonishing.
Again, it was all mere speculation before we were actually faced with the real life stuff. When you choose your spouse you can only hope that you picked the right one. The one that will react just how you need him/her to react when you have to grow up and deal with life even if you don't want to...the one that will help you do that.
Here's my two cents although there isn't much of a comparison to that post:
The big life events haven't been as significant to our relationship as much as our reactions to each other during these events. (We've been married 6 years.)
For example:
Birth of our daughter- exciting and stressful time in our lives. Now, when I'm mad at him I think of how well he treated me during that time and how sensitive he was to my needs before his. I didn't have that perspective of him or our relationship before this huge event. It was all speculation and hope.
Currently dealing with the terminal illness of my Dad- We have an 18 month old at home and I work full time, but he makes sure to do everything possible to allow me the time and space I need to be with my father and my family as that time is slowly ending. His self-lessness is astonishing.
Again, it was all mere speculation before we were actually faced with the real life stuff. When you choose your spouse you can only hope that you picked the right one. The one that will react just how you need him/her to react when you have to grow up and deal with life even if you don't want to...the one that will help you do that.
All of the above and:
The last surviving parent dies. Now you and your spouse are the older generation.
The last surviving parent dies. Now you and your spouse are the older generation.
As marriage has been the most significant thing in my 43 yr life, and I've been married for 23 yrs - I'll submit the following.
- experiencing passion that makes it painful to be more than an inch away.
- coming to terms that you could stay married to one person for the rest of your life - and then feeling the icy hand of fear wondering if you will lose her.
- Watching her give more than you can!
- Realizing you need to hear her hearts voice every day
- building a secret garden that no nation, no army can destroy
- Seeing the child within your middle-aged spouse
- Realizing this is your proof for, is God there, and does God love me?
- Conspiring against the children, together - wickedly funny
- wondering how you will find her on the other side, if there is an other side.
In short - realizing that if the only thing that ever sets you apart from the rest of the world of men - is being married to her.....that it's enough...it's enough!
There - I said it, don't think less of my sappyness.....lol
- experiencing passion that makes it painful to be more than an inch away.
- coming to terms that you could stay married to one person for the rest of your life - and then feeling the icy hand of fear wondering if you will lose her.
- Watching her give more than you can!
- Realizing you need to hear her hearts voice every day
- building a secret garden that no nation, no army can destroy
- Seeing the child within your middle-aged spouse
- Realizing this is your proof for, is God there, and does God love me?
- Conspiring against the children, together - wickedly funny
- wondering how you will find her on the other side, if there is an other side.
In short - realizing that if the only thing that ever sets you apart from the rest of the world of men - is being married to her.....that it's enough...it's enough!
There - I said it, don't think less of my sappyness.....lol
This is why I wanted the original starter of this thread to come back and clarify what s/he was after. They apparently didn't see fit to do so.
For example, a big event in marriage is to learn how not to fight dirty. It isn't a single incident though and without learning to do so the marriage is hard pressed to last.
It takes several mini realizations that this is a person you love so much you don't want to hurt them, even when you're mad at them. And such is every other event. Having your first baby isn't just the moment it pops out. It's the getting pregnant, the waiting, the positive test, the announcement, the first doctor visit, the first time you hear the baby's heartbeat, the scares, the excitement, the ultrasound, the 9 months of pregnancy the labor and/or c-section the delivery, seeing your child for the first time, then there's the diapers, the feeding, the staying up all night walking the halls while they're wailing yet again for some reason you can't seem to figure out and you can't decide if you want to cry or hurt them, or love them more because you're so insanely sleep deprived and at the end of your rope you can't handle it anymore, and when your spouse comes up and takes the baby and relieves you of the baby's care you realize just how much you love them.
There's no such thing as a single event.
Thank you for this.
Why?
When I think I've married a real butt head all I need to is remember how he was Mr. Mom during my 2 pregnancies (I came into marriage with a child). I'm one of those that becomes so ill during entire pregnancy, they just keep the i.v., needle thing taped into my hand so I can go get hooked up to bags once per week...it's pretty gruesome, and I end up looking like I'm starving myself to death, the heart starts to do weird palpatations, and the body begins attempting early labor to rid itself as what it sees as The Intruder.
Because of the above experience I also have a keen sense of relief in the knowledge that, should I die, this man can TOTALLY take care of house, home, and kids.
Your post reminded me of all of this...like a good bashing of sense.
Being that I've been married and divorced once and finally got it right the second time...
Aside from the "normal" wedding, birth, first days of school, college etc...
1) Learning how to hear what they are and are not saying. The art of listening is an ongoing education.
2) Accepting that not everything should be changed, altered, lost or forgotten.
3) That sometime money isn't really the only problem.
4) Knowing that deep down in your gut, you really don't want to try and fix it - you would really rather run.
5) That when you look in the mirror and ask yourself does it ever get to be my turn that you are not weak for wanting to be just a little selfish.
6) But the most significant is when you aren't looking and the man of your dreams just happens to be standing right in front of you waiting for you to be ready to finally see him standing there.
7) Knowing that this moment and every other moment that will or could find me, would never compare to the exact moment I knew deep in my soul that I had found the love of my life. And when I truly fell for him (Nearly out a second story window) he never thought I was anything but perfect.
Cause and effect and how things change/I've changed
1) Hearing what he didn't say was much louder than his words makes you turn up the dial and listen with greater clarity.
2) That the one thing that grates on your nerves or bothers you or gets under your skin even a little bit is part of the reason the attraction began in the first place.
3) Tightening the belt says volumes about a person. That's the moment when the deep down and dirty parts of our personality surface. Self sacrifice is not found in everyone like blood is.
4) It took two years for me to realize that we were walking not only down different paths but I oftened wondered if we were on the same planet. But the underlying optomist in me refused to let me give up. So I tried for the sake of what I once felt and our marriage and time spend together to make it work even though I really didn't want to. It took me another three years after that to finally accept that walking away was the best thing for me and that there's no way to walk away from ten years of marriage without someone getting hurt. And I tortured myself for five years trying to avoid the inevitable. And in the end, we walked away friends.
5) I asked myself that a great deal until someone looked at me and asked why I settled? It took a few months for me to realize what a mere acquaintance saw in ten minutes. It was the gentle push that I needed. And when I finally allowed myself to take, do, see, feel sometihng completely for myself, it was the most liberating breath I'd ever taken. It was freedom and acceptance.
6) The most significant moment in my life (even over the marriage, children, first house etc.) was knowing moments after I'd met him that I had finally found the "one" I had been holding my breath and mucking through life's muddy waters to find. And I knew enough to marry him four months after I met him because we simply couldn't see any good reason to wait.
7) Goes without explaination really. He altered my life, who I am, how I view life. He makes me whole. And aside from that he gave me five great kids, and just about everything else that money can't buy. I am truly blessed.
Hope that helps.
Aside from the "normal" wedding, birth, first days of school, college etc...
1) Learning how to hear what they are and are not saying. The art of listening is an ongoing education.
2) Accepting that not everything should be changed, altered, lost or forgotten.
3) That sometime money isn't really the only problem.
4) Knowing that deep down in your gut, you really don't want to try and fix it - you would really rather run.
5) That when you look in the mirror and ask yourself does it ever get to be my turn that you are not weak for wanting to be just a little selfish.
6) But the most significant is when you aren't looking and the man of your dreams just happens to be standing right in front of you waiting for you to be ready to finally see him standing there.
7) Knowing that this moment and every other moment that will or could find me, would never compare to the exact moment I knew deep in my soul that I had found the love of my life. And when I truly fell for him (Nearly out a second story window) he never thought I was anything but perfect.
Cause and effect and how things change/I've changed
1) Hearing what he didn't say was much louder than his words makes you turn up the dial and listen with greater clarity.
2) That the one thing that grates on your nerves or bothers you or gets under your skin even a little bit is part of the reason the attraction began in the first place.
3) Tightening the belt says volumes about a person. That's the moment when the deep down and dirty parts of our personality surface. Self sacrifice is not found in everyone like blood is.
4) It took two years for me to realize that we were walking not only down different paths but I oftened wondered if we were on the same planet. But the underlying optomist in me refused to let me give up. So I tried for the sake of what I once felt and our marriage and time spend together to make it work even though I really didn't want to. It took me another three years after that to finally accept that walking away was the best thing for me and that there's no way to walk away from ten years of marriage without someone getting hurt. And I tortured myself for five years trying to avoid the inevitable. And in the end, we walked away friends.
5) I asked myself that a great deal until someone looked at me and asked why I settled? It took a few months for me to realize what a mere acquaintance saw in ten minutes. It was the gentle push that I needed. And when I finally allowed myself to take, do, see, feel sometihng completely for myself, it was the most liberating breath I'd ever taken. It was freedom and acceptance.
6) The most significant moment in my life (even over the marriage, children, first house etc.) was knowing moments after I'd met him that I had finally found the "one" I had been holding my breath and mucking through life's muddy waters to find. And I knew enough to marry him four months after I met him because we simply couldn't see any good reason to wait.
7) Goes without explaination really. He altered my life, who I am, how I view life. He makes me whole. And aside from that he gave me five great kids, and just about everything else that money can't buy. I am truly blessed.
Hope that helps.
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