I hope I don't end up like my own mother

Alpha Echo

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***Warning, long post, gotta vent***

Long story short, my ex husband and I split back in December after a painful 6 months and me finding out about his year long affair (we'd only been married 2 yrs total). Took me some time to move on, doing things for myself, focusing on me and my life and dealing with lawyers and a motion hearing and money and spousal support, but by June, I was feeling good.

Went on eHarmony. Hesitated to tell my mom, but we're close, and I did. She seemed really excited and happy for me! Now, one thing you should know about my mom is that she's very right wing conservative, born-again. We have a lot of the same beliefs and a lot of different beliefs, but in her eyes, basically, if you don't do things the way she thinks they should be done, you're wrong. If you don't believe the Bible literally, if you don't love every Republican in office, if you believe gays deserve the same rights and that Obama might actually do us some good - you're wrong. Black and white. There has never been any gray in her eyes. My siblings and I have learned how to handle it, for the most part.

Okay, so my mom seems happy about me eHarmony until I actually talk to someone. This guy and I talked for hours and decided to meet, and things escalated quickly - without any pushing or trying, things just got serious. I did NOT tell my mom much about this. Not at first. I mean, the second time we went out, she actually said, "Oh..you're going out again? I just didn't realize you were going to go out like, once a week." Um...that's kinda what dating IS mom. So I kept it kinda quiet until I couldn't anymore. This guy and his daughter are a major part of my life now. I'm moving in when my lease is up (though I haven't told mom that yet). The Guy and I talk about our future all the time, and marriage is in it. It's just a fact...I can't explain it's just something that became fact very naturally and easily. So when I talk to my mom, I don't step around the egg shells. I walk right on them. I'm an adult, and I'm not going to sensor myself when it's my life! I leave it all out there, "Well, we have the little one that weekend." Or "We did this or that..." My mom just kinda ignores me. She talks about what's going on in her life but doesn't respond to anything happening in mine.

Meanwhile, my dad and everyone in his family have met the Guy and the Little One and love them both.

My mom will finally meet him on the 7th. She's been making it very difficult - I've thrown out dates multiple times, but she's always had an excuse why that date didn't work and never tried to help me out by giving me dates that did work for her. I know she's basically made up her mind to not like him no matter what. Lately, I thought she'd been better. Kinda...I mean she doesn't really ask me anything about my life, but she listens mostly now I think. I'm not stepping around egg shells to avoid it either - anyone can tell from the way I talk that it's beyond serious, that I live there, and that we're a family - The Guy, me and the little one.

Well, anyway...last week, she called me one night at 9pm. I didn't pick up b/c I was...otherwise occupied...and she left me a msg sounding all pissy just saying "It's me. Call me back" Attitude and everything. Then I get an email:

I tried to call you at 9:00 this evening but you didn't answer your phone. That seems to happen a lot. Is there a better time to call you? I call after 9 so I don't have to use minutes. Should I wait till the weekend? Should I call later? Should I call earlier?
Anyway, I called to tell you that Saturday the 14th will probably work....

Also, "a friend of yours" asked me if you were OK. She said you guys used to email and you stopped returning her emails months ago. She said if you just don't want to talk to her then that is fine, but she was concerned first and second just wanted to know what the deal was. I didn't know what to tell her. I don't know why you have decided to ignore her, but you might want to email her and break off the friendship instead of just ignoring her.
So, that is everything I was going to tell you on the phone.

Talk to you later.
Love
mom

That friend of mine is this girl my 19-yr old brother is actually friends with. I met her through a blog I had years ago, and we email sometimes. I emailed her after getting this from my mom, and she was like "um, I think your mom was more upset than I was."
It's obvious that my mom is using all of these little petty things as weapons, things to hold against the Guy before she even meets him. I'm sorry but I have a life, so I don't always have my phone with me at 9pm. The girl I'm "friends" with is this young girl, and sometimes we email, and sometimes we don't for long periods of time, just like all my other long-distance friends. But she's using all of that to justify to herself that it's okay to not like the Guy b/c he of course MUST be the reason that I'm "ignoring" everyone.

I'm trying not to let it get to me. I'm an adult, and I realize that part of the reason she's behaving this way is because she's worried I'll be hurt again. But that's a very small part of the reason. Because if she would only listen, she would see how happy I am. And decide to let go and let me make my own mistakes - if this is a mistake. If she would only welcome the Guy and give him a chance, she would really like him! I haven't introduced him to one friend, one family member, that doesn't think he's kind, respectful, and responsible (and good lookin' ;) ) But I all ready know she won't. Oh she'll be fine around him. She might not even tell me how she really feels - I'll probably hear things through my siblings like I all ready do. She probably won't ever treat him poorly to his face. But I honestly don't know if she'll ever like him.

I can't win. Her father left her. Her mother hid letters he sent her from her, but she's still been angry with him ever since. My father fell in love with another woman, so my parents split. My first husband she never liked, and it turned out she was right (though she didn't think he'd cheat, she knew he was no good). My youngest sister married a youth minister. My mother is now happily married to a Deacon and praise leader at her own church. My other sister is a missionary. I am a black sheep - I can't win.
 
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You have my sympathy.

I know our situations are completely different but even when you don't get on with the woman who gave birth to you, it still hurts like hell and you hope something will change.

Mine had the good grace to disappear. She pops up occasionally and when she does, my emotional equilibrium gets shot away to shite.

You might consider just binning her. It's not something I'd suggest lightly but in my opinion birthing someone doesn't give you the right to treat them like shit all their life.
 

Maryn

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You've already won. Here, let me pin this fancy blue ribbon on you, as a token reminder.

And how did you win? You said it yourself: I'm an adult, and... it's my life. You get to live it, with The Guy and The Little One, and be happy, knowing your mom's old wounds will always fester to some degree, and that nothing you do will change the fact that she is who she is, festering wounds and all.

Mollify her when you can, remember she's powerless to change, warn The Guy about her attitude, and go enjoy being the winner who found love and happiness. (IMO, black sheep have more fun, too.)

Maryn, hoping the sheer size of this blue ribbon doesn't stretch out your shirt
 

DeleyanLee

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I'm the black sheep of the family too, long before I made my crappy marriage and got divorced. I thought I could deal with their attitudes too, until it hit a point and I realized that I had to take care of me and mine because I wasn't going to get any support from Mom and sisters.

So I laid it out flat for them: Lay off or we're blowing this popcycle stand. Mom didn't lay off. In fact, she got more obnoxious about it. So I cut off all communications with my family. No cards, no holidays, no phone calls, nothing. After a couple of years, one of my sisters came over and apologized and I became polite with her. It took a full 10 years before I could sit down with my mother and have a conversation that didn't include my every belief and choice was WRONG and didn't end in me on a first class guilt-trip around the world.

After that break, I've been able to gain a more adult friendship with my mother (and the rest of the family) and break totally out of the mother-daughter dominance games Mom liked to play.

As you said: It's your life. If she can't be happy with you, then perhaps you should sit down and have a discussion with her about what it might cost her if she continues with the attitude. And whatever you tell her, be fully ready to do. Parents (like kids) need to realize that there's lines they can't cross over and there will be consequences if they step over a line.

Best of luck. Believe me, I feel for you.
 

CaroGirl

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You need to realize it's not you, it's her. And, at her age, whatever that might be, you're not going to change her. In fact, you can't change anyone. You have accept her as she is and put up with it, or distance yourself from her. Arguing is pointless.

My flawed parents now live all the way across the country. I see them once a year, if that, and we speak on the phone once a week (if that). This situation does wonders to achieve "distance" in all aspects of our lives. Now I don't have to listen to my father's racist, sexist ramblings and negative attitude, nor do I have to hear them constantly arguing about petty annoyances. It's quite freeing.
 

Alpha Echo

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Thanks to both you. It's just frustrating. I have definitely warned The Guy about her attitude, and he's got such a great attitude about it. He told me he'll be fine, but if we find out she's talking about him behind his back, he'll have to politely confront her. My biggest fear is the whole religion thing. He's definitely not on the same page as her, and not even on the same page as me. Which is absolutely fine - we discuss our thoughts and opinions and share a lot of the same ones but respect each other for those that differ. My mother is not like that at all. It's just so frustrating b/c we've been close in the past, despite our differences, and it sucks.
 

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First, congratulations on your new relationship. May you have a very happy life together.

Second, I think you are very emotionally tied to what your mother thinks. You are right that it is your life. As long as she is pleasant to him and to the child, who cares what she thinks? You will never change her. The only way to get along and have a relationsip with your mom is to accept her and love her despite her illogical thinking. You don't have to like what she thinks. You don't have to agree with her. You don't have to listen to any denigrating remarks she makes about your SO. And if she says something to your face then tell her she has no right to say such things, and to knock it off, it is inappropriate and you will not tolerate it. I had to do that with my mom. And she stopped saying bad things about my husband to my face. And if any of my relatives started in on "mom said" I would stop them immediately and say, "I don't care. I don't want to hear about it." Then, make them back off.

You don't have to hear about her black and white thinking. You don't have to hear her comments. And what she says doesn't matter one iota in your life. But you do not have to lose what good you have with her because you are sensitive to her criticism. The being sensitive part is residual childhood buttons being pushed. Grow past it. Make it clear you are not going to put up with her b.s. and then stop worrying about it.

She may surprise you. When she realizes he is treating you like you should be treated and you are happy, maybe she will warm up to him. You already mentioned you think she is worried about you being hurt again. Give her time. Just don't put up with hearing negative comments while she is learning to love him too.

Good luck.
 

Alpha Echo

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I'm the black sheep of the family too, long before I made my crappy marriage and got divorced. I thought I could deal with their attitudes too, until it hit a point and I realized that I had to take care of me and mine because I wasn't going to get any support from Mom and sisters.

So I laid it out flat for them: Lay off or we're blowing this popcycle stand. Mom didn't lay off. In fact, she got more obnoxious about it. So I cut off all communications with my family. No cards, no holidays, no phone calls, nothing. After a couple of years, one of my sisters came over and apologized and I became polite with her. It took a full 10 years before I could sit down with my mother and have a conversation that didn't include my every belief and choice was WRONG and didn't end in me on a first class guilt-trip around the world.

After that break, I've been able to gain a more adult friendship with my mother (and the rest of the family) and break totally out of the mother-daughter dominance games Mom liked to play.

As you said: It's your life. If she can't be happy with you, then perhaps you should sit down and have a discussion with her about what it might cost her if she continues with the attitude. And whatever you tell her, be fully ready to do. Parents (like kids) need to realize that there's lines they can't cross over and there will be consequences if they step over a line.

Best of luck. Believe me, I feel for you.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I'm glad you have a more adult friendship with your mother. She sounds like maybe she's like mine - my mom is so immature and sarcastic about stuff. I don't know how this meeting is going to go, and I'd really like for this to turn out okay. But you're right - if she doesn't grow up, I'm going to have to sit her down and explain to her that this is real, it's happening, and either she accepts the Guy and my new life without lectures or guilt trips, or she won't be seeing much of me.
 

Alpha Echo

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First, congratulations on your new relationship. May you have a very happy life together.

Second, I think you are very emotionally tied to what your mother thinks. You are right that it is your life. As long as she is pleasant to him and to the child, who cares what she thinks? You will never change her. The only way to get along and have a relationsip with your mom is to accept her and love her despite her illogical thinking. You don't have to like what she thinks. You don't have to agree with her. You don't have to listen to any denigrating remarks she makes about your SO. And if she says something to your face then tell her she has no right to say such things, and to knock it off, it is inappropriate and you will not tolerate it. I had to do that with my mom. And she stopped saying bad things about my husband to my face. And if any of my relatives started in on "mom said" I would stop them immediately and say, "I don't care. I don't want to hear about it." Then, make them back off.

You don't have to hear about her black and white thinking. You don't have to hear her comments. And what she says doesn't matter one iota in your life. But you do not have to lose what good you have with her because you are sensitive to her criticism. The being sensitive part is residual childhood buttons being pushed. Grow past it. Make it clear you are not going to put up with her b.s. and then stop worrying about it.

She may surprise you. When she realizes he is treating you like you should be treated and you are happy, maybe she will warm up to him. You already mentioned you think she is worried about you being hurt again. Give her time. Just don't put up with hearing negative comments while she is learning to love him too.

Good luck.

Thank you, and I know you're right. I'm just not good at that. My mom still says bad things about my father, and it takes everything in me to ask her to stop. Sometimes, I can't. I don't know why. I don't like confrontation. Perhaps that's the reason.

I've grown a lot this past year. A whole lot. Hopefully, I can grow some balls and learn to stand up to my mother. lol
 

kayleamay

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I sympathize. I've been there. I saw the movie. I bought the t-shirt. It's infuriating. It's hard when you want a parent's approval and they make it unattainable.

Just live the way that makes YOU happy, ignore your mother's undermining behavior (this takes away her power), and love her unconditionally, even if she can't do the same.

Congratulations on the relationship. :)
 

James81

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I used to clash with my mother all the time....big, hurtful things were said between us, and I absolutely couldn't stand her for the longest time. It didn't help that my ex-wife despised her (when we were married, at least) and fed into the negative feelings I had about her.

Then, one day, this past year I woke up and it hit my like a ton of bricks: I am just like her. We clash because we are so much alike. I had spent so much time trying not to be like my father, that I didn't see this coming at all.

The hardest part of that realization was that all those things I desperately hated about her? Yeah, they were things I hated about myself. And that's a hard pill to swallow. :tongue
 

DeleyanLee

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I've grown a lot this past year. A whole lot. Hopefully, I can grow some balls and learn to stand up to my mother. lol

The only one who's really going to take care of you (and yours) in this situation is you. Who else are you going to rely on to give you the life you want and deserve? Mom? ;)

That became my mantra for a long while and helped me through a lot of the waffling about whether or not to go through with it.

Good luck and I hope things go surprisingly fantastic when they finally meet.
 

Alpha Echo

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I used to clash with my mother all the time....big, hurtful things were said between us, and I absolutely couldn't stand her for the longest time. It didn't help that my ex-wife despised her (when we were married, at least) and fed into the negative feelings I had about her.

Then, one day, this past year I woke up and it hit my like a ton of bricks: I am just like her. We clash because we are so much alike. I had spent so much time trying not to be like my father, that I didn't see this coming at all.

The hardest part of that realization was that all those things I desperately hated about her? Yeah, they were things I hated about myself. And that's a hard pill to swallow. :tongue

Thankfully, I am not like my mother. Are there some simmilarities? Of course. But all this black vs. white, right vs. wrong....so not me. I did have her habit of being very immature and sarcastic when I was upset, but I have truly cured myself of that nasty habit (thanks, actually, to my ex). I really am very different from everyone else in my family - hence the black sheep. I didn't finish college. Moved out at 19, moved out of state, my mom made the mistake of reading my journal years ago and finding out about my sex life. I am more liberal, I have many different beliefs, I experimented with drugs, I drink and occasionally smoke... my sisters are/were virgins (my 24 yr. old sister is still waiting for marriage), they both graduated from a Christian college and believe that being a stay-at-home mom is the only way to be....

I can't live up no matter how hard I try.

So I have to go with Kayle - just be me despite however she might be and ignore things I might hear. And Deleyan - you're right too. Of course. :)
 

Thump

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Like you said, she's your mom and she loves you, even when she's being a pain. She's just trying to be the best mother she can be to you but sadly you don't both agree on what that means. It happens. You're clearly a very strong woman, you know what you want and go for it. You don't need her to approve of Guy or your life choices and IMO, you shouldn't break away from her either. Let her disaprove and live with it. It's tiring, sure, but she loves you and you love her. Just like you don't approve of a lot of her choices and she lives with it, you should do the same. It'd be a shame to lose your mother over a man, even one you're crazy about :)

Eventually she'll come 'round and if she doesn't, well, family gatherings may not be what you'd hope for but she'll still be there when you need her.
 

CACTUSWENDY

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Alpha....it sounds like mom might have a some 'control' issues. (Along with lots of love.) Since I am an old lady.....in her defense let me throw this out there. If this man is the first guy you met and you fell for him so fast, maybe she is just concerned that you are moving along pretty fast.

The mother part of her does not want you hurt again. The e-harm. stuff is maybe not the 'way' she would think you could really meet someone that sparks your life and gives you meaning to live. Who knows....?
This will no doubt be an area of contention and the best way to deal with it is to clue her in and if the cards don't fall right for her then she is the one that will have to deal with it, not you. She will have to learn to deal with it. It may take her awhile.

Turn this over to God and let Him deal with her views and you just respect her and give her space.

My wish for you is happiness in this relationship.
 

James81

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Thankfully, I am not like my mother. Are there some simmilarities? Of course. But all this black vs. white, right vs. wrong....so not me. I did have her habit of being very immature and sarcastic when I was upset, but I have truly cured myself of that nasty habit (thanks, actually, to my ex). I really am very different from everyone else in my family - hence the black sheep. I didn't finish college. Moved out at 19, moved out of state, my mom made the mistake of reading my journal years ago and finding out about my sex life. I am more liberal, I have many different beliefs, I experimented with drugs, I drink and occasionally smoke... my sisters are/were virgins (my 24 yr. old sister is still waiting for marriage), they both graduated from a Christian college and believe that being a stay-at-home mom is the only way to be....

I can't live up no matter how hard I try.

So I have to go with Kayle - just be me despite however she might be and ignore things I might hear. And Deleyan - you're right too. Of course. :)

wtf font? lol
 

Alpha Echo

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Do you guys think I should tell her how serious it is before she meets him? Or should I wait like I was planning until after Christmas (my lease is up in January)
 
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Just drop it into the conversation like it's no biggie. "This is how it is, like it or not. My life. Suck it."

Or...y'know...however you'd phrase it. ;)
 

DeleyanLee

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At this point, why borrow trouble? If it works out during the meeting, tell her then. I wouldn't give her any more "ammo" to dislike him ahead of time.
 

James81

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I've always been of the belief that you should never have to tell people how serious/great a relationship is. It'll usually speak for itself.

I think that her seeing you two together will show her how serious the relationship is.
 

Thump

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Personally, I would tell her now so it's less of a shock when the time comes. People who are very set in their ways do not react well to sudden news like that. I would tell her now so she can get it out of her system and hopefully be resigned to it when you finally move in with him. She might be impossible until then but she won't feel so much like you're making rash decision. Show her you are not reacting emotionally or just rebounding from your divorce but thinking ahead clearly and it might be easier for her. She might not agree with what you're doing but she won't react too irrationally either and say/do something really hurtful in reaction.
 

Alpha Echo

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I've always been of the belief that you should never have to tell people how serious/great a relationship is. It'll usually speak for itself.

I think that her seeing you two together will show her how serious the relationship is.

That's kind of how I've been handling it. Just being myself and natural and allowing her to come to her own conclusions.

When I officially change my address, though, I'll have to tell her.
 

StoryG27

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Alpha Echo, first, congrats on the new love, well, loves including the little one! Sounds great.

My family had their ups and downs with hubs, but they'd say whatever they needed said straight to him. We're just like that. They love him to pieces. So we're good. I do think you should tell her how serious it is. No use in hiding it anymore.

On the flip side, I might be able to identify with your Guy. Hubby's family sounds a lot like yours. And he was their only son out of five kids. I thought his mom and I got along fine because she wasn't particularly mean to me most of the time. She did avoid meeting me for a while. When I forced her to be around me, she and my father in law would always talk about my hubs ex fiance. Very annoying. It got better as I stood my ground, did the whole marriage and kids thing. I thought I had won her over. Five years later, I find out she constantly talks behind my back to all my sister inlaws (who I adore) and even to Hubby. I was so incredibly pissed off and hurt. They don't "do" confrontation in their family, but I didn't give a damn. I drove eight hours to her house, and wasn't leaving until they told me what their issues were with me.

It turned out to be little things, like I was going to hell and dragging their son with me to eternal damnation, that apparently bothered them. Who knew that would cause such a sore spot with his deeply religious family?

Nothing I did seemed to matter. I wasn't going to change their opinion of me. Then, after we'd been married almost 12 years, while Hubby was deployed to Iraq, I went out there to visit the in-laws, because I knew no matter what they thought of me, they loved my kids, their grandkids. Something changed for his mom (I'd kind of won the dad over with my fiesty personality before this). She couldn't believe I'd be willing to take the kids to visit her WITHOUT Hubby there. She's liked me ever since.

It might just take time, it might take a long time, well over a decade in my case, and your mom might never accept him. That doesn't have to change anything between you and your Guy. Don't worry about it, keep trying, warn him (wish Hubby had) and then just let it go how it goes. There's nothing you can really do about how your mom chooses to behave.
 
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