View Full Version : Here's something for you to mule over

Lantern Jack
07-08-2005, 12:32 PM
Sorry 'bout the pun. Alright (or is it all right?), I'm thinking about penning a 5,000-word memoir about my experience at the receiving end of an extraordinary-brutal act of homophobic violence. The most amazing feature about this incident (aside from the male-on-male business), is that it took place during Mule Day. I spent the whole of my adolescence 20 minutes outside of the Mule Capital of the World. The first weekend of every April--my birthday--they hold Mule Day, Bottom's Landing, Day of the ***, the Long-Eared Weekend. I've been thinking about this for quite a bit and it seems to me that the best way to make this thing saleable as a literary essay is to tie the two together, bang out something which is a little serio-comic. Only thing is, most essays that I read dial in totally on one subject and this one keeps veering toward the schizophrenic. I simply can't seem to think of a way of tying mules together with this...other...experience. The only possible connection: mules are infamous for their giant...ahem, ne'er mind. Anyway...thoughts?

aka eraser
07-08-2005, 08:31 PM
Hello again William. It is William isn't it?

I've written and published a few essays that meandered a bit in the middle. What matters more is neatly tying up your conclusion. I also have a penchant for having my conclusion echo my intro but that seems to occur more by accident than design.

Just write the darn thing. Then revise, polish and submit. You know the drill. ;)

07-09-2005, 06:53 AM
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's mull, not mule. So your pun doesn't quite work. Mull, by the way, is a word that is badly overused in newspaper headlinese. Having said that, It'd be great to read your memoir.

aka eraser
07-09-2005, 06:47 PM
Um, he was using "mule" to make a pun of "mull" so...it does work as a pun.

07-09-2005, 07:17 PM
The most amazing feature about this incident (aside from the male-on-male business), is that it took place during Mule Day.
Why is that amazing?

If you can convince me that in your story, then I think you're on the right track.

And welcome back, William.

07-09-2005, 11:58 PM
Um, it's not a good pun, because the word "mull" rhymes with "dull," not mule.

07-10-2005, 06:05 AM
Is there a new rule that only words that rhyme make a pun?

aka eraser
07-10-2005, 06:44 AM
Not that I know of AncientEagle.

Veronie, I think you need to look up "pun."

07-10-2005, 07:00 AM
You guys aren't serious are you?

07-10-2005, 07:33 AM

-- A play on words, sometimes on different senses of the same word and sometimes on the similar sense or sound of different words. (Dictionary.com)

-- The usually humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest two or more of its meanings or the meaning of another word similar in sound. (Merriam-Webster)

-- A humorous play on words of a similar sound. (Webster's Dictionary)

Lantern Jack
07-11-2005, 02:57 AM
Everywhere I go, I breed tangents. Why is that? I grew up 20 minutes outside of Columbia, Tennessee, Mule Capital of the World, where once a year, on the first weekend of April (my birthday), they celebrate Mule Day, the Day of the ***, Bottom's Landing. Why is that so ironic? I'm an asexual. Another definition for "mule" is: self-sterilized hybrid. Only one mule in a million is actually capable of reproducing a colt. Mules have 63 chromosomes, so they don't couple properly. As a rule, mules should always be gelded, or else they go insane from back-building sex hormones. It's ironic, by the way, that mules are sterile, since they inherit from donkeys their famous schlongs, which are some of the biggest in the animal kingdom. Mules are superior to all other equine, since they inherit their traits in absolutes. They're intelligent, do not founder, cannot be worked to death, have a feline ability to only remember beneficial tricks, are gentle by nature and cannot sink in quicksand, among many other traits. They are also the perfect metaphor for an asexual. I remember, on the last day of Mule Day (it's a four-day ceremony), all the mules being wending homeward in trailers, planes and trains, all those sad, sterile, gray souls, while the entire neighborhood was exploding the air with sexual and literal pyrotechnics. Mule Day was always a giant orgy and, every year, at Springhill High School (I was a S.Hi.T.: a Springhill High teenager), some sexual depravity was unveiled. During my first wekend, a kid in my comp class was caught manually stimulating sheep and collecting their essence in jelly jars. On my second mule day, the school's token lesbian couple was discovered in one of the changing rooms in the auditorium. My third Mule Day, I came out. Also, quite interestingly, Mule Day used to be known, back in the 1870s, as "Breeder's Day." For these and other reasons, it is very fascinating, Mule Day.

P.S. I need a new password, but, despite requests, nothing's sent to my e-mail.

07-11-2005, 03:26 AM
This may be an incredibly stupid question but....are you mixing up asexual with bi-sexual? I have difficulty understanding why homophobic violence would be perpertrated against someone who has no sexual interest. Yes, there have been cases of violence against virgins I'm not stating there hasn't been but usually it isn't referred to as homophobic violence. Furthermore if the article is about your asexuality what would the other kid's so called depravity have to do with it? :flag:

re: email password: email is sent to the email address that you provided on registration it has nothing to do with AW. To get your private messages use your user CP or click on the private message link in the right hand corner of your navigation box.

Lantern Jack
07-11-2005, 03:46 AM
with these other kids'? It's precedence, tradition. Every year we get a new Mule Day Freak. In 1996, I was that freak. Why was violence (i.e., rape) done to an asexual (a person who experiences no sexual feeling whatsoever?) Well, I was a suspected homosexual. It was a comedy of errors. First that nude scene in gym class, then the Vaseline incident in the Piggly Wiggly, then that hermaphroditic comment during Wednesday evening outreach, then the drama class episode, then there was my appearance and mannerisms (I'm a bit metrosexualie) and it all added up to that nasty bit of nastiness in that high school bathroom. How's that? Everything elucidated?

07-11-2005, 09:37 AM
First off I would like to apologize for offending you. I actually meant the questions seriously to try and make more sense to your thinking about tying the several subjects together and I was trying to figure out the links between them. I meant absolutly no judgement on being asexuality being a depravity. I guess I was surprised that you considered the incident with "the token lesbian couple being caught together in one of the changing rooms" depraved but then I also don't know the surrounding circumstances. As for the homosexual violence that was explained when you stated that they used their suspicions of you being homosexual for their violence........violence against anyone is not appropriate and I would never want you to think that I would in any way want to lessen the trauma they caused to you. I am very very sorry that happened and I in no way want to trivialize it. I guess I had never heard of Mule Day and just wasn't understanding the tie-in between that particular day, the attack on you, and the attributes of the mule. As far as if you cleared things up for me.....yes, thank you...and probably more kindly than I deserved.

Lantern Jack
07-11-2005, 11:44 AM
You didn't offend me. No, I know that's what someone says when someone says to them, "Sorry for offending you," but you really didn't. Depravity may have been too strong a word choice on my part. How about "sexually anomalous" or "the sexually freakish." And it wasn't my asexuality which was the aberration, it was my policy on not wearing jockey shorts: they're like iron maidens for the crotch. As for the lesbians, they were caught in the process of, er, cunnilingus. I went to a very strange school, which coupled the puritanical with the sexually bizarre. If we were bored in comp class, we'd play hose head hockey. We held a tranvestitic beauty pageant and an Opposite Day, where the girls dress up as guys and vice versa. Yet, we also had Bible literature classes, and this was in public school. I have my first sentence, too, by the way: For the past several weeks, Aaron and I have seen a man at the Galleria who looks just like Santa Claus: bandy-legged as an ancient cowpuncher, goggle eyes, a wide, comic mouth, bald as a turkey vulture, jaw-hugging cumulus wreath of beard; dressed in crimson flannel and slacks from shoulders to shins, where his feet were swallowed up by engineer boots you could crack a Galopagos tortoise's shell with; his pants held up by red suspenders so strained by his boulder of a belly, if you snapped them, his nipples would sting for days.


07-11-2005, 12:26 PM
Stop thinking so small. Book. Hurry. I've already started the buzz.

Allowing myself to steer this waaay off-course, I believe choosing not to act on your sexual feelings is different from not having sexual feelings.

Lantern Jack
07-13-2005, 07:45 AM
...I'm a freelance sports feature writer and, while I hate sports, I LOVE writing about them. For instance, today, I got to do some announcing, as "Harry Potter's twin cousin, Dwayne," at this kids roller hockey clinic, while they blasted Queen in the background and Diamond Dave, the pale prince, did a little ice poesy. Sweet! And, a week before that, I got to be a caddy. And now the publisher of the paper I wrote for is taking a shine to my penmanship, after I ignored my boss' requests to KISS and decided, "Screw it, I'm getting paid peanuts, let's make this stuff as salty as possible."


Lantern Jack
07-13-2005, 08:09 AM
...When I was in 9th-grade biology, the teacher showed us this really graphic docu-horror flick about the mating rituals of arctic animals. Did you know the Alaskan timberwolves penis swells to four times its normal size upon penetration, and both animal, after coupling, must tug for half an hour before the member comes free, an evolutionary trait to increase the likelihood of fertilization as much as possible. I did not need to know that. And once a fact like that expands the dimensions of your brain, they never return to their original, blissfully-ignorant dimensions, unfortunately. That was the last straw. I've always been repelled by this Rube Goldbergian pleasure pursuit, but that just makes my stomach do backward somersaults. It's funny, I have a desperate need for companionship. I'd love to engage someone in an intelligent, emotionally-compelling relationship, but all women want is sex. Whenever a man tries to connect with a woman in any meaningful way, she tries to steer it toward the bedroom. And men are almost as lididinously-dominated as women. I don't know, maybe, one day, I'll encounter a counterpart of the silkier sex who isn't merely interested in me for my genitalia.

07-13-2005, 08:36 AM
[QUOTE but all women want is sex. [/QUOTE]

Please introduce me to the women in your group.

07-13-2005, 11:53 AM

Will, I'm not interested in your genitalia. I'm interested in your book. Now write it.

Lantern Jack
07-13-2005, 10:02 PM
Isn't that interesting. When I try to come off as sarcastic, it completely misses. I was joking about the women remarks. Because, you know, I was doing a reversal thing, like in a sitcom. Which is just another fine example of why sitcom humor simply does not work in real life. As for the writing of my book, my problem is: I'm not particularly good at writing fiction and my life is too jumbled for a memoir. It's not that interesting things never happen, it's just they don't happen all at once. Most memoirs focus on a particular point in time, instead of covering the broad array of a person's life. Also, there's no overlying theme. I'm an extremely erratic individual, with no set personality. I don't react to things the way other people do. In order to write a successful book, be it fiction or non-fiction, you must be able to fashion a character who appeals to people who they can understand and identify with, get instead their head because they recognize something of that character in themselves. I, however, am the type of person who will walk up to you, not even say hello, and just start ranting: "You know, I had this weird dream last night. I actually dreamt in wide screen with Japanese sub-titles. And the strange thing is, I don't even speak Japanese. Maybe in another life..." I'm the guy who goes to the movie theatre and watches movies in the nude. I'm the guy who dresses like Edgar Allan Poe, whose idea of a good time is touring the oleo sculptures at the Wisconsin Butter Expo, who carries on intimate, two-way conversations with midges and toads. I am not everyman. But don't think I haven't tried. I've written 12 books, five screenplays and three books of poems. Nobody's interested. It's just a fact of life, one that I came to terms with a long time ago. I appreciate your extreme enthusiasm, it's just...well, you've got to think of it like this: in most books, the off-the-wall weirdo is the one the protagonist is reacting to. The OTWW does not make a good protagonist, because he makes everybody else look dull by comparison. Trust me, it's a waste of time. Still thanks all the same.

07-13-2005, 10:04 PM
Will, your collected groupie here, hello!!

Asexual vs Ambisextrous, how do they live together? Ya know what I mean, don't you, or am I mistaken somehow?

And write the bk, damn it, 'kay? http://absolutewrite.com/forums/images/icons/icon12.gif Stop asking so many q's. (See my sig about looking and start doing it) You have something to say to the world. Say it!

Love, Always and All Ways!


07-13-2005, 10:14 PM
The OTWW does not make a good protagonist, because he makes everybody else look dull by comparison.

I do understand your point, but because you also understand your point, I think you already compensated for that in the piece I read. Your other characters were plenty colorful. You just have to know which moments to catch them in, and I think you did that well.

So you say you've written 12 books... novels? Any that are memoir-ish? Send me one. jg(at)jennaglatzer.com. What types of publishers did you target?

P.S. Perhaps your luck will change now that you have TWO groupies.

Lantern Jack
07-13-2005, 10:29 PM
Two groupies? Who's the other...Oh, right, right. Well, now I can put on races. And stage illegal betting rings. And become a loan shark. And make a lot of money. And buy The New Yorker. And then...Pay back's a *****. Ha, ha, aren't I nasty? PROPOSAL: If you're really interested in reading my writing, let's try a little experiment. I can only write if I'm under deadline. I need set parameters. So, why don't you set me a deadline to write a chapter of a memoir. One that stands alone. One that I can send to literary magazines and agents, churn up some attention. And...so...I guess we'll just see, won't we?

P.S. Don't try to negotiate. This is the only way you're going to see anything new. And, just to make things interesting and knot off this new thread, let's say I have to rewrite the essay you just read. Only, if I have to A) focus entirely on the rape, itself, and B) use Mule Day as a background. That way I'm A) focusing on a single point in my life, so it's self-contained. And B) There's a layered weirdness to it. In my experience, the only literary memoirs which sell are those which have contain multiple, contrasting elements of bizarre human behavior. It's not enough for Johnathan Pitt to be a white teacher teaching surly Cherokee teenagers. He also has to battle severe self doubts and go searching for legendary pygmy Indians for sage advice (he actually finds them, too.) And, thus, you get "Little People." Or how about "The Shopkeeper?" Or "A Bride For My Daughter." Or "My Thai Girlfriends." These can all be found in the non-fiction section of www.missourireview.com (http://www.missourireview.com). If you can't access the last essay, go to your college's Web site, access Program Muse in the library article search engine area, and type in the name with "Article Title" as the refine search parameters. Ta.

07-13-2005, 10:36 PM
You got it. One week. I want the rough draft of chapter one by Wednesday, July 20th.

Lantern Jack
07-13-2005, 10:53 PM
...deal. Now where on this infernal contract shall I apply my gory John Hancock, O Black Woodswoman of the Cyber-Forest?

07-13-2005, 11:43 PM
I'm watching from afar, Will!

And aren't all Ain Rand's protagonists and deuteragonists all OTWW? But then, you're awfully right, all the others around them look dull and sound boring.


07-13-2005, 11:55 PM
Will, you said:

...When I was in 9th-grade biology, the teacher showed us this really graphic docu-horror flick about the mating rituals of arctic animals. Did you know the Alaskan timberwolves penis swells to four times its normal size upon penetration, and both animal, after coupling, must tug for half an hour before the member comes free, an evolutionary trait to increase the likelihood of fertilization as much as possible. I did not need to know that. And once a fact like that expands the dimensions of your brain, they never return to their original, blissfully-ignorant dimensions, unfortunately.

And I think that ANY
fact ... that expands the dimensions of (y)our brain IS fortunate, so on this fortunate expanding note, here you have another of those mind-blowing and expanding facts: The human female is the only mammal female, which has a specific and separate orifice for urination. How horizon-enlarging is this, isn't it?


Lantern Jack
07-14-2005, 01:49 AM
...I was putting a spin on an Oliver Wendell Holmes' quote: "Once the mind expands to a new idea, it never returns to its original dimensions." Which, scientifically speaking, isn't true. The brain isn't an omnisuctional sponge. Old memories are always being scrubbed out, the new theories say, rewritten by fresh visual input. Remember, only that which is remembered frequently and willfully is imprinted indellibly on the hippocampus.

07-22-2005, 02:43 PM
If you're collecting female groupies, make me number three ...
now, is the pressure ON, or what?!

07-27-2005, 04:09 PM
I have been laughing my *** off reading this thread. What a remarkable talent Lantern O'Jack is sporting. I'll double Jenna's challenge: Don't know what I'll do with it yet, but as an editor, I'd like to see an "on speculation" Mule Day story. I'd need it by August 8 close of business day.