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James81
09-15-2009, 05:01 PM
Ok, this thread was inspired by a chain email that I got from my dad. An email filled with a bunch of pictures of Jesus and how I can score 100 if I forward it to a bunch of people. Here's my wildest conspiracy theory to date....

It's a theory that I've had for a long time but I don't think I've ever really told anyone.

Here's my theory:

The pictures of Jesus show him with long flowing brown hair, a neatly trimmed beard, and the most beautiful blue eyes a man can have, right?

Well, the bible says this:


2 For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, [there is] no beauty that we should desire him. Isaiah 52:3

According to that, he was not a physically attractive person at all. Thing is, all the paintings we have of him ARE of him being a really attractive guy.

My theory (and this is just a theory) is that those pictures are not depictions of Jesus, but, rather, they are of the devil. Read this:


2 Corinthians 11:14
"And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light."

How freaky would that be if the man we thought was "Jesus" was actually pictures of the devil?

(that's assuming you believe in God...and the devil of course)

That's mine. Now tell me yours. :D

spamwarrior
09-15-2009, 05:51 PM
That's actually a really interesting thought.

(Personally I thought the long flowing brown hair and neatly trimmed hair and most beautiful blue eyes was kind of disturbing. And gay.)

James81
09-15-2009, 05:55 PM
That's actually a really interesting thought.

(Personally I thought the long flowing brown hair and neatly trimmed hair and most beautiful blue eyes was kind of disturbing. And gay.)

:roll:

What can I say? I got a soft spot for Jesus. :D

spamwarrior
09-15-2009, 05:56 PM
I pictured him more... manned up. Honestly. Do you think that Jesus would have had time to trim his hair?

James81
09-15-2009, 05:57 PM
I pictured him more... manned up. Honestly. Do you think that Jesus would have had time to trim his hair?

I'd be interested in knowing how anybody trimmed their hair back then. Or their beard for that matter.

Did scissors exist? Or did they hack it all off with swords? :tongue

spamwarrior
09-15-2009, 05:59 PM
According to what I've learned, they didn't cut their hair. Mosaic law said they should not even trim the edges of their beard.

Kurtz
09-15-2009, 06:00 PM
In the early church there was a massive debate into whether pictures of Jesus should portray him with a beard or not. Eventually it was decided to give him a beard because the Greeks found that as ugly as hell, so they were originally trying to keep true to the Isaiah quote. Or something like that anyway.

My current favourite theory is both topical (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_is_dead) and completely insane (http://www.paulisdeadhoax.com/)

James81
09-15-2009, 06:01 PM
Wow, that must've sucked.

I've let my beard grow out without trimming it and the longest I can stand it is about 2 months.

spamwarrior
09-15-2009, 06:02 PM
There's supposedly a conspiracy theory that Miley Cyrus was killed in a car accident and Disney has been covering it up for months. Which includes the disney people twittering for her...

I have no idea how they explain it. I know it exists.

James81
09-15-2009, 06:04 PM
There's supposedly a conspiracy theory that Miley Cyrus was killed in a car accident and Disney has been covering it up for months. Which includes the disney people twittering for her...

I have no idea how they explain it. I know it exists.

:eek:

How do we know she even exists in the first place?

Wasn't there a movie where there was this insanely popular model or something that was completely computer generated?

Kurtz
09-15-2009, 06:05 PM
I am a huge fan of this website (http://www.enterprisemission.com/moon1.htm) about Iapetus, the moon of Saturn. It has a very creative analysis of its unique properties.

What's brilliant about this theory is that 1. it actually could make sense and 2. it isn't about the joos controlling the world.

spamwarrior
09-15-2009, 06:07 PM
:eek:

How do we know she even exists in the first place?

Wasn't there a movie where there was this insanely popular model or something that was completely computer generated?

She did appear performing live somewhere, with lots of people watching.

Meanwhile, on youtube: "WE KNOW THE TRUTH! Disney is trying to cover up Miley's death! Get the word out!"

Priene
09-15-2009, 06:21 PM
2 For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, [there is] no beauty that we should desire him. Isaiah 52:3

Isaiah lived eight hundred years before Jesus, so not only would he not have known what Jesus looked like, he had no knowledge of his existence.

Kurtz
09-15-2009, 06:24 PM
Isaiah lived eight hundred years before Jesus, so not only would he not have known what Jesus looked like, he had no knowledge of his existence.

He is known as THE Prophet though.

spamwarrior
09-15-2009, 06:25 PM
It's prophecy. To predict something that would happen in the future, near or far.

But anyway it's safe to say that we don't know what Jesus looked like. However it is very likely that he looked nothing like the well groomed dude.

the addster
09-15-2009, 06:34 PM
Mine concerns the replacement of Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry with a robot, a Joebot, if you will, after his death during the recording sessions for the album Permanent Vacation. It seems that Perry was killed in an automobile accident and the details were kept quiet. David Geffen and Michael Isner conspired with the rest of the band to build a perfect replacement that could fulfill the role of the band's legendary guitarist, and the Joebot was born. Using Disney technology and proven recoding sales data a near perfect Joebot was unleashed on an unsuspecting record buying public.

The experiment was ruled a success when Aerosmith went on to be a sucky pop band and sell millions and millions of albums. Unfortunately the experiment could not be repeated. Later attempts to replace Guns and roses lead singer Axl Rose were complete failures and the program was scrapped.

lucidzfl
09-15-2009, 06:38 PM
There is a conspiracy theory that my ass is made of steel.

(Its not, its Iron)

spamwarrior
09-15-2009, 06:39 PM
Does that mean that magnets can stick to your bum?

lucidzfl
09-15-2009, 06:43 PM
Does that mean that magnets can stick to your bum?

Its how I keep track of the pizza and chinese delivery numbers.

spamwarrior
09-15-2009, 06:46 PM
That's useful.

semilargeintestine
09-15-2009, 07:17 PM
Um, what Bible are you using? Isaiah 52:3 says:


כִּי-כֹה אָמַר יְהוָה, חִנָּם נִמְכַּרְתֶּם; וְלֹא בְכֶסֶף, תִּגָּאֵלוּ.

Which translates as: For thus saith the LORD: Ye were sold for nought; and ye shall be redeemed without money.

What you are referring to is Isaiah 53:2 (subtle, but important difference):


וַיַּעַל כַּיּוֹנֵק לְפָנָיו, וְכַשֹּׁרֶשׁ מֵאֶרֶץ צִיָּה--לֹא-תֹאַר לוֹ, וְלֹא הָדָר; וְנִרְאֵהוּ וְלֹא-מַרְאֶה, וְנֶחְמְדֵהוּ.

Which translates as: For he shot up right forth as a sapling, and as a root out of a dry ground; he had no form nor comeliness, that we should look upon him, nor beauty that we should delight in him.

Isaiah isn't speaking a prophecy about J. He isn't even talking about a person. If you read the rest of the prophecy, he is talking about the Land of Israel. It starts in Isaiah 52:1-2:


1. Awake, awake, put on thy strength, O Zion; put on thy beautiful garments, O Jerusalem, the holy city; for henceforth there shall no more come into thee the uncircumcised and the unclean. 2. Shake thyself from the dust; arise, and sit down, O Jerusalem; loose thyself from the bands of thy neck, O captive daughter of Zion.

Isaiah 53:12 ends it with a nice quote:


Therefore will I divide him a portion among the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the mighty; because he bared his soul unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors; yet he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

I don't think they cut up J and gave him to people as spoils. ;)

You have to read these things in context--not just as one a singular quote given by a missionary who uses the Tanakh when it suits him and dismisses it when it doesn't.

ETA: Sorry to crush your conspiracy theory though. Mine involves anti-Semitic, Portuguese cleaning people who like to move my stuff around just to piss me off because I'm Jewish. :D

Elincoln
09-15-2009, 08:10 PM
To give you an understanding of the tall, dark and blue eyed Jesus. It's during one of the Vatican 'we need to get things straight' meetings, that the Church decided to give him a 'makeover,' making him more 'familiar' to Christian followers. Most most of Eastern Europe at that time were tall framed with neat brown or dark hair and blue eyes. The result is a more Christian-friendly Jesus that we've adopted without really thinking about it.

Now I return you to your regularly scheduled paranoia.

I don't do conspiracy theories. Too much drama for my taste.

aadams73
09-15-2009, 08:12 PM
(Personally I thought the long flowing brown hair and neatly trimmed hair and most beautiful blue eyes was kind of disturbing. And gay.)

And deeply unrealistic given the part of the world in which he was born. If he was born.

As for my favorite conspiracy theory, well, I'm still not convinced the moon isn't made of "cheese food." I think that's where Velveeta comes from.

semilargeintestine
09-15-2009, 08:13 PM
As for my favorite conspiracy theory, well, I'm still not convinced the moon isn't made of "cheese food." I think that's where Velveeta comes from.

What do you mean, theory?

James81
09-15-2009, 08:46 PM
As for my favorite conspiracy theory, well, I'm still not convinced the moon isn't made of "cheese food." I think that's where Velveeta comes from.

Velveeta is what happens when you mix jello with cheeze whiz.

kayleamay
09-15-2009, 10:13 PM
I have a theory that AW was designed by some superauthor to distract the competition. Just think about it for a minute....yeah, you get me, right?

I also have dozens of theories about cattle abductions, crop circles, garden gnomes and religion in general...but I won't post those here because I'm pretty sure the secret internet police are watching me.

Silent Rob
09-15-2009, 10:22 PM
Your gnomes are all belong to us.

kayleamay
09-15-2009, 10:40 PM
Your gnomes are all belong to us.

:e2headban

I have a theory about that.

DL Hegel
09-15-2009, 11:31 PM
my wildest conspiracy theory...so many to choose from. Here's one...That the entire world is out to get me...just me and it has something to do with the Jonas Bros and Hannah Montana.

KellyAssauer
09-16-2009, 01:58 AM
That all of my really good novel ideas are being stolen, slowly, piece by share your work piece ... Oh wait, maybe that's just paranoia and not a conspiracy theory!