Are you a friendly neighbor?

He's a lonely old man. Be nice--he wont get hints--and let him know you like your privacy. On the other hand, old people appreciate your company and time more than anyone. All they want is for someone to notice they're there.

I agree he is just being friendly-I see nothing wrong with his impromtu visits, he might seem annoying to you, but as Wayne said, he is just lonley, I mean, really- what harm is he doing?

He's invading space, uninvited. That's what harm he's doing. I understand how you feel Diane, and there's no "nice" way to make someone, elderly or not, understand where your head's at, not without seeming negative. It's just a different mindset, and I've seen the difference in valuation of privacy and personal space in people of all ages.

I think you should keep high-powered water pistols at the ready, and spray him down like an unwelcome cat.

Okay, not really. But I do agree with Wayne in that you should come right out and tell him that although you enjoy his company, you also enjoy your privacy and time alone, and that you'd prefer he call before stopping by rather than just stroll right over unannounced.

And if you don't want to have the conversation, just put up a fence.

If you don't like your neighbours friendly, move to London where everyone ignores each other. You could be lying dead in your house for weeks and chances are not a single neighbour would notice.

He's a lonely old man. Give him a little of your time. And it's easy to get rid of people tactfully if they're outstaying their welcome.

He just moved in and he's alone? Sounds like he's trying to connect with his new surroundings and your boyfriend may have accidentally been his first friendly face. Grit your teeth and try to be patient, he will meet other people his age and eventually you will be down to a friendly wave.

You may not be able to see it now, but someday this encounter may turn out to be a small gem in your world of relationships. (Or a big pain in the ass, there's always that possibility.) He comes from a different generation, where spending a little time visiting with your neighbors was considered polite or "neighborly". As others have said, he's lonely and trying to fit in. If you run him off from the backyard, he will be at the front door ringing the bell so you might want to take that into consideration. Winter is coming, he won't be traipsing around so much then.

sheadakota said:

I agree he is just being friendly-I see nothing wrong with his impromtu visits, he might seem annoying to you, but as Wayne said, he is just lonley, I mean, really- what harm is he doing?

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he may be lonely, but if they don't want visitors...there is something wrong with it. why should their privacy be interrupted because of his loneliness. i would have a big problem with a neighbour just popping in whenever they feel like it. i can't believe you think it's okay just because he's lonely. it's NOT OKAY.




tell him, as nicely as you can, that you enjoy your privacy and would prefer to see neighbours on scheduled time, etc.

I hate cold callers and would find it very hard to deal with him, so I would try to find other places for him to be. Are there any clubs for people of his age in the area you could suggest that he could go to? Also, as he has just moved it could be that his wife divorced him, or died. His coming round at any time might be part of his grief process.

Kill him and dump the body.

Or, y'know, what KTC said. Whichever is more legal, really.

Good neighbors can be a pleasant and valuable addition to one's community and to one's personal security (they tend to watch out for each other's houses and property, and even kids). But you do have to set limits. Next time he comes through the back hedge, walk him to the front porch (or front yard) and casually but clearly mention that front porch time is neighbor time and back deck time is private time. But then sit down and chat with him on the porch on that one occasion to let him know you appreciate his interest and return that interest in him. Then, make sure you DO make some front porch time, particularly when you see him out and about. You may have to reinforce it, but I do believe in neighor time at the front of the house and private time in the back. If that doesn't work, strong fences produce good neighbors.

This is why I find it so neighborly-nice here in the South. There's a sense of front porch, rocking chair community with the back of the house for family and privacy.

Keep in mind, though, that my father's friend had one of those wood-carved sayings posted in his family room that said, "Back door neighbors are the best neighbors." This implies that in some generations and some parts of the country, there is a casual approach to back-yard privacy. Your neighbor may be of that attitude.

You could say, the next time he pops onto your deck is, "Oh, I'm sorry, we were discussing something important."

Put up more shrubs or a nice-looking fence and tell your neighbor that it looks better from your deck and windows.

Then visit him once in awhile.

Hmmm... I agree he is a lonely old man who probably just needs human interaction. You can tell him, like others said, that he is invading your privacy and would like him not to anymore. Or maybe you can try controlling the situation more by inviting him over at specific times, well spaced out...

We once had a "lonely" neighbor who not only thought we should chat with him at all hours of the day and night but also felt he had right to "borrow" anything he saw in our open garage...

Now that was a pain in the ass. Some people really do have no sense of propriety. I hope the man we're talking about makes a quick adjustment and never steps that far over the line.

Hey, diane, maybe you could introduce him to a lonely older lady and then the two won't bother you anymore.

Wayne K said:

He's a lonely old man. Be nice--he wont get hints--and let him know you like your privacy. On the other hand, old people appreciate your company and time more than anyone. All they want is for someone to notice they're there.

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This.

Whether you choose to let it go or you let him know that you like your privacy, be nice about it.

dianeP said:

If you have an overly friendly neighbor who is always popping over, do you hint at your desire to be left alone or do you come outright and tell him to stay on his own property?

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I've experienced this, and while I'm in favor of being polite and friendly, I'm also in favor of a well-timed "Now is not a good time for us, sorry."

It's up-front without being rude. Boundaries have to be set, because it's not okay to just wander in and out of someone's place without being invited.

Susie said:

Hey, diane, maybe you could introduce him to a lonely older lady and then the two won't bother you anymore.

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This is why Susie rules the AW airwaves.

...and doesn't she look delicious?

I'm afraid I haven't read the entire story.

Diane, what about your boyfriend? Does he enjoy the neighbor popping over all the time? Have you sorted this issue out with him?

I ask because I wouldn't have a problem with that. I'm the kind of guy who talks to everyone on the street, but my wife is a "Hi, thank you, bye." kind of person. She would definitely reject a neighbor (other than a bunny) popping over and I might end up strolling over to the old folk's patio occasionally instead.

I would cherish this old man, like my own Grandfather. What a joy it would be to have someone so friendly, living next door to you. Think of all the wonderful conversations you could have, over nice cups of tea and chocolate biscuits.

Nothing at all like round here, if you see anyone on this street, it's head down, fiddle with mobile, earphones in, yada yada.

Next time he comes over, tell him to gay kakhen inem yam.

I haven't really encountered this kind of situation. People here tend to do their own thing and mostly chat on the street when they bump into each other walking their dogs.

I mainly talk to the older couple next door. We talk over the fence and sometimes she invites me in for coffee and chitchat.

My husband is more blunt than I am, so in the case of the old guy you mentioned, he'd probably tell him not to just drop by like that. I think the tricky thing is the fact that you and your boyfriend were outside. Some people think if you're outside, you're available for conversation.

Honestly? There is a huge difference between walking into someone's yard to chat and strolling into someone's house.

If he gave you the creeps, that would be different. But it sounds like you're just annoyed.

By all means, be polite and establish boundaries but remember you might someday be in his position.