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JamJam
08-04-2009, 03:18 PM
Hey, I'm just looking for someone to read through a piece of aprox 10000 words. I'll admit upfront to bad comma usage - the hazards of being second language.

Here's the short intro:

Mr. Franklin was going to kill me - possibly torture me first, but the penalty for tardiness in Geography class was usually death. I sprinted through the hallways. At least the school couldn't call my parents. My contact in the admin office had made sure calling the number on their system would get them a helpline for compulsive liars.

My sprint turned into a jog when I saw a peculiar man standing in front of Spanish class, two doors removed from my execution. He wore a blue satin tie, not something you saw a lot in Scottsville. He closed the door and fixed his gaze on me. The next thing - he just stopped.

I felt awkward, the way he looked at me was as if he struck oil. It took me a second before I realised that I wasn’t moving forward either - instead I was frozen. The noise of someone tuning a tv interrupted the odd moment, it was a low sound and I couldn’t pin the direction of origin. He shook his head and then smiled.
“What’s your name?”
“Alexis Le Roux,” I answered. “Wait. Why are you writing my name down?”
“How do you spell that?”
“W... H... Y are you writing my name down?”
He shook his head again, pretending as if I didn’t exist.
“It’s going to be a pleasure to see more of you,” he said and walked past me chuckling under his breath.