Marriage advice

Well I'm not married yet (September!) but my fiance and I have been together half a decade. Does that count?

Never go to bed in an angry state. If there's something that's bothering you (especially if it's about your spouse), you need to talk it over with them until you've reached some resolution. At the very least, make a definite agreement to speak about the issue the following day. If you're pissed at something and end your day in a huff, the bad feelings will brew. You will tend to 'sleep off' your anger, instead of resolving it. We've followed this advice given by our (still happily married) parents, and have never had any problems in our relationship.

Am I being really zen here, or do I sound like a pompous ass?

The wife is always right


What? It's advice, isn't it?

Oh all right. Let the other half go on a long piece of elastic - ie don't tie them to you. Let them be themselves. They're more like to bounce back to you.

Like Pepper said, never go to bed angry

Tattoo your anniversary date on your forehead so you don't forget it.

Share everything equally - and that includes chores too.

Snuggle a lot. Yeah sounds obvious. But once you've been married a while ( and esp if you have kids), you're busy etc, you have to remember the snuggle

As Bill and Ted said, "Be excellent to each other."

Run, man. Just. Run.

I'm only kidding - I've been happily married for 12 years.

My advice:

1. Don't sweat the small stuff. It happens. It passes.

2. Laugh. A lot. Especially when it's something bad. You'd be amazed at how it takes the sting away from the bad stuff.

Now, go off and be wed, o young padawan. You are ready.

I would have to agree with what IdiotsRUs said about the elastic. Remember to be individuals, and to let each other be individuals.

Be completely honest and communicate constantly. Even if you think it will hurt the other person to speak up, it's always better in the long run.

You're not done until she's done.

I'm not married, but I believe there are two words you need to always remember:

"Yes, dear."

My hubby adores me and he lets me know it almost every day in a variety of ways. We work through any problems with honest communication. We don't sweat the small stuff. And I never forget how lucky I am to have him.

Best of luck, Seun and soon-to-be Mrs Seun!

I can't top Maryn -- that all sounds spot on.

My advice is just to communicate with each other. Since you've been together so long, you clearly already found a way to make things work, so just keep doing what you're doing. Some people expect that once you make it official something should change, but you're still the same people.

I know I sometimes make the mistake of thinking my husband knows what I'm thinking, when really he's thinking something completely different. I have a tendency (he says) to sound angry or upset when I'm not, so I make a point to tell him my actual feelings so there aren't any misunderstandings. All communication.

Along the lines of not going to bed angry -- don't let things "stew". If something genuinely upsets me, I'll talk to him about it when we're both calm. I find I have a better chance of getting my point across if we're not caught up in the moment and yelling at each other.

And I like the elastic thing. Very very true.

Hey! I'm married going on 17years to my very best friend.

What has kept us married and happy is:

- Don't hold onto anger
- Be friends, that way when you gain weight, she gains weight, you get bald and she gets stretch marks from child rearing... you look pass all of that to see your love for them.
- Date night - never scimp on this. 1 time a month (after the kids at least) we go out on a date. My husband buys me flowers, or write me a love letter (yep he still does these things). I do too.
- Forgiveness...because now that you are family... it's common to get on each other's nerves... what destroys families is holding grudges.
- Talk a lot, about everything.

Work at staying 'in love' don't take for granted that love won't change, and it is the same giddy feeling that you got when you first met.

Maryn said:

My thirty-third anniversary is this week, and I've learned a thing or two over the years. The biggie is to put your spouse's happiness at the same level as your own, sometimes higher. Let the everyday petty annoyances go, like water over an unchanging rock. (His snoring used to drive me nuts--until he nearly died. Snoring? Love it.) Show affection when you're not after sex. When you're really enjoying something about her, say it aloud. ("God, nobody makes me laugh like you do." or "Wow, the bedroom looks great. Thanks for vacuuming.") Take time for yourself and make sure she does, too. Share chores, and occasionally assume one of hers for the pleasure she'll derive from not having to do that one today. Make the occasional grand romantic gesture.

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Oh, this is a great post! Yes, I second this advice.

(I've been married 24 years.)

Don't have HER CHORES and HIS CHORES. Clean the toilet and make supper...but not always. Cut the grass and do the laundry...but not always.

Think of what would make her happy...not what would make you happy.

Tell her she looks good BEFORE she asks if she looks good.

alleycat said:

I'm not married, but I believe there are two words you need to always remember:

"Yes, dear."

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And keep this one in your pocket, it will come in handy:

"You're right. I'm sorry. It's all my fault."

lol. No, really, just remember that if you are happy 75% of the time, you've got a GREAT marriage. Make a point to spend time together, not just the banal boring times, but doing fun stuff together. Find out what makes the other feel loved and do those things (read the Five Love Languages)--my husband feels loved by Acts of Service (what guy wouldn't, eh? But it's not that kind of service, lol), so he was doing those things for me, but it left me feeling ignored. Don't do that. It is not good.

Make decisions together. Don't gain at the other's expense. Learn how to negotiate. Be honest and open. You'll be fine.

Maryn said:

Maryn, not lookin' good at the moment

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bullstuff! you're always looking faboo.

My advice, don't do it.

I'm not married, but here you go...

When you're wrong, own up to it.
Sex her up good.

Maryn -- Well said.

NeuroFizz said:

You're not done until she's done.

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QFT.

• Share. It sounds easy, but it's not always.
• Remember you've got a live-in best friend now. That also sounds easy, but it's not always.
• Hold onto the sense of adventure: routine is good, but after a while routine is also just easy, and what's worth having is rarely easy.
• If you feel like it needs to be said, for the love of god, SAY IT. But think about it before you do. Think about how it would sound to you if she said it.
• Remember to touch. As often as possible.

Heh. Sounds like me, only less Scottish.

Put her above you on the pedestal. {Hopefully she'll do the same for you.} When each person in a partnership puts the other above themselves, the result is BOTH are elevated. {Putting down your wife/husband to make yourself "higher" on the pedestal puts you LOWER on the pedestal.}