Changing tense in a paragraph?

Status
Not open for further replies.

Elidibus

Over 9000!!!!!!!
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 19, 2007
Messages
328
Reaction score
56
Location
No. I can't come out to play. My muse won't let me
One of several things I've struggled with as I've learned to write is keeping the same tense in a work. Along with passive voice. (Grr!)

So here's a paragraph from my WIP. I've been reading all about it but I think I've psyched myself out here and I think I might be scaring myself.

Also, does it sound right to you guys?

[FONT=&quot]**The man laughed. She spun around just in time to see the glint of moonlight on a knife. She hopped back as the blade sliced into her arm. She gritted her teeth, bringing up her weapon and firing another shot. The shadow bounced around her, perching on top of one of the stone pillars. Sophie took another shot, but the demon jumped off, vanishing in the darkness.**

Thanks for the help!

I'm also open to whatever other grammatical mistakes there are in here :-D
[/FONT]
 

Lisa Cox

Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 14, 2009
Messages
567
Reaction score
107
Location
UK
Website
twitter.com
The tenses are fine (as far as I can tell 5 mins after waking up), but I'd change one of the sentences to this: "She gritted her teeth, brought up her weapon and fired another shot."

Also, three sentences in a row start with 'she'. I *really* noticed it.

:)
 

Lisa Cox

Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 14, 2009
Messages
567
Reaction score
107
Location
UK
Website
twitter.com
Also, can you say 'gritted'? I thought 'grit' was already past tense? Not sure. But it's also an opportunity to lose a 'she': Gritting her teeth, she raised her...
 

Arkie

a reader's ear and a writer's heart
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 19, 2005
Messages
688
Reaction score
82
Location
Arkansas
I'll throw this in for what it's worth: I believe in eliminating words not needed to convey the image. Some of your combinations appear redundant, i.e. "spun (around)," "(just) in time," "jumped (off)," "sliced (into)," "Sophie (took another) shot."

This sentence is a bit awkward: "The shadow bounced around her, perching on top...." It reads as though the shadow is "bouncing around" and "perching" at the same time. I think you eliminate the comma and add the connector: "and," and change "perching," to "perched."

It may be my preference, but I believe within the paragraph one needs to keep the "ed" and "ing" word endings consistent.
 

ComicBent

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 7, 2005
Messages
347
Reaction score
28
Location
Tennessee
Sophie took another shot, but the demon jumped off the stone pillar, vanishing in the darkness.
I added "the stone pillar" in order to make things clear in the following discussion.

The phrase in red is a participial phrase. In grammar it is called a "verbal."

Verbals are all right. But you need to use them properly. Here is the problem, in short. I will avoid the long discussion of the issue.

This kind of verbal functions as an adjective. It is an adjective phrase that has verb-like properties. But it is not a verb, and it has to go with a noun somewhere in the sentence. In this sentence, that noun is demon.

To be effective, verbals like this need to describe action that takes place before or simultaneously with the main verb. Here the main verb is jumped.

What you have done is to use a verbal (vanishing) to describe an action after the main verb (jumped). This is not good style. Notice that you cannot move the verbal vanishing and put it next to the noun that it supposedly goes with:

Sophie took another shot, but the demon, vanishing into darkness, jumped off the stone pillar.

If you do this, you have the demon vanishing before he jumps, which is illogical, because the demon cannot vanish before he jumps.

I see examples of this all the time. People do it because they have never been taught otherwise, and they read and see this construction, which has become lamentably pervasive. But it is wrong.

Usually the best solution is to use two coordinate (equal) verbs:

Sophie took another shot, but the demon jumped off the stone pillar and vanished into the darkness.

Here is an example from your paragraph where you can use a verbal, though you did it backwards:

Your example:
She gritted her teeth, bringing up her weapon and firing another shot.

It should be:

Gritting her teeth, she brought up her weapon and fired another shot.

The gritting of teeth takes place before or during the actions of the main verbs. Actually, what you wrote could make sense logically. Maybe she brought up her weapon and fired it before she gritted her teeth. The greater problem here is that you have not subordinated the right action to the more important action. You made the gritting of teeth the main action, and it should not be. The more important action is raising and firing the weapon. For that action you should use verbs, not verbals.

Your writing will be much, much more effective if you start looking for this stylistic weed and rooting it out of your garden. Watch for the -ing phrase at the end of a sentence and ask yourself whether its action takes place after the main verb. If so, then change it as I have shown you above.
 

Elidibus

Over 9000!!!!!!!
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 19, 2007
Messages
328
Reaction score
56
Location
No. I can't come out to play. My muse won't let me
Thanks guys! I had a feeling something was up because these "Weed constructions" appears a lot in my story and before I did another edit I wanted to make sure I had the tools I needed to root it out.

But I think I really understand now. It's gonna be a long process, but I'm actually saving all of this into the body of my WIP so I can reference it when I need to.

Thanks so much!
 

girlyswot

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Sep 1, 2007
Messages
2,227
Reaction score
389
Location
Cambridge
Website
myromancereviews.wordpress.com
I don't like 'she spun'. I think it should be 'she span'. Possibly this is a US/UK difference of usage, but 'spun' sounds to me like it should be part of a verbal phrase: she had spun.

Also, gritted is fine in England (maybe not in the US?).
 
Status
Not open for further replies.