The Tipping Point

kdnxdr

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Over in the "Single Again" thread, I started wondering:

When you're in a committed, exclusive relationship, how do you know when you're at that "tipping point" when you know you want to get out of that relationship and go elsewhere?
 

Silver King

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A couple of reasons that come to mind:

Infidelity

Physical and/or emotional abuse

Acting like an all-around jerk (too many decent people in the world to be stuck with an asshole the rest of your life).
 

aadams73

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When they steal the covers, I'm outta there.
 

poetinahat

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Especially if it's someone else's covers. :|

On the other side, the feeling that there's a huge disparity in dependency and/or affection did it for me - they need you a lot more than you need them. It gets awkward, you feel guilty maybe, you just can't return the enthusiasm, and you make excuses to be apart, rather than having to tell them, "Well, no, I don't really feel the same".

I've been on both sides of that equation a couple of times.
 

JoNightshade

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If what you mean by "committed and exclusive" is marriage, then infidelity or abuse are the only conditions under which I would leave my spouse. I made a vow. I did not make the vow lightly, and I will not break it lightly.

Obviously this is not the norm in society today. My parents were encouraged by multiple counselors to split up because their problems were "irreconcilable." That was when I was a kid. Now they've been married for... uh... thirty something years. And - surprise! - they're happy. In spite of all the crap they put me through growing up, I'm glad they stayed together. I learned so much about how to choose and live with a spouse simply from their example.

::Jo steps off soapbox, picks it up, and exits stage right::
 

poetinahat

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If what you mean by "committed and exclusive" is marriage, then infidelity or abuse are the only conditions under which I would leave my spouse. I made a vow. I did not make the vow lightly, and I will not break it lightly.

Obviously this is not the norm in society today. My parents were encouraged by multiple counselors to split up because their problems were "irreconcilable." That was when I was a kid. Now they've been married for... uh... thirty something years. And - surprise! - they're happy. In spite of all the crap they put me through growing up, I'm glad they stayed together. I learned so much about how to choose and live with a spouse simply from their example.

::Jo steps off soapbox, picks it up, and exits stage right::
Quoted for excellentness.

Jo, what kinda soap do you use? I want a carton too.
 

brokenfingers

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When you're in a committed, exclusive relationship, how do you know when you're at that "tipping point" when you know you want to get out of that relationship and go elsewhere?
Usually, if they won't give me their name and/or phone number after six months, I'll move on.

Usually.
 

Silver King

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Rob reminded me of something I hadn't experienced in a long time: When you've been with someone only a short time, don't suddenly express your undying devotion to that person out of the blue. Wait a while, and see how things shake out. And whatever you do, after you've slept together that first time, don't ever, ever reach across the sheets and say, all dreamy-eyed, "I think I love you."

That's a tipping point that'll crash onto your head most of the time.
 

Neurotic

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I wasn't abused. I wasn't cheated on. I also wasn't married, but 8 years of living together, I suspect that's close enough. And I left because there were things that were important to me that he was unwilling to help me with. Saving for me to go back to university took a back seat to whatever new technical toy caught his eye, and I'd never find out until it was too late to return it. And the extra help I needed from him whenever my chronic illness flared took a back seat to his computer games. Now I spent a good 6 years trying to work with him on those issues but eventually I came to the realisation that things were simply not going to change. So perhaps that's not enough of a reason for some to separate from their long-term partner, but for me it was.
 

JoNightshade

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And whatever you do, after you've slept together that first time, don't ever, ever reach across the sheets and say, all dreamy-eyed, "I think I love you."

That's a tipping point that'll crash onto your head most of the time.

Um, unless, of course, it happens to be your wedding night. Then saying "I love you" is prolly a good idea. ;)
 

aadams73

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If what you mean by "committed and exclusive" is marriage, then infidelity or abuse are the only conditions under which I would leave my spouse.

There are other forms of betrayal as equally gut-wrenching as infidelity.
 

Devil Ledbetter

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Do I like this person? Do I want to become more like this person? Would I want a child exactly like this person?

I am paraphrasing the relationship book A Fine Romance by Judith Sills. If you can't answer yes to these questions, it's not the relationship for you. Move on.
 

Devil Ledbetter

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There are other forms of betrayal as equally gut-wrenching as infidelity.
I agree. Not to derail, but I don't understand the mentality that anything goes but sexual infidelity. I have a friend who takes week long vacations with his yoga "girlfriend" that exclude his wife, and he and his yoga girlfriend got matching tattoos on one of their trips. But he's not having sex with her (she drags her boyfriend along on some of these trips, or other yoga pals), so it's all just hunky dory.

If DH got a matching tattoo with someone I'd tie him to the fence and scour it off with a goddamned Brillo pad.

I have plenty of guy friends, but no one displaces DH.
 

Devil Ledbetter

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^^ thats messed up Devil!
I think so. And the guy's wife is not only a lovely human being, she's very attractive. No reason at all, that I can see, for him to be putting the equivalent of a part-time job into yoga with the yoga girlfriend. (Yes, his wife does yoga too but isn't as "advanced.")
 

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There isn't a tipping point. I live in Nirvana. Three couch jumps from Never Never Land.
 

icerose

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I neared a tipping point once and it scared the heck out of me. I'd been married about three years, we had a kid with another on the way, my husband's work was super demanding, he was on the road all the time, and when he was home he was exhausted, he'd get called out all hours of the night and we truly drifted emotionally. When I felt myself connecting with another person I cut off all contact with that person, told my husband he really needed another job. He got another job quit the demanding one, we reconnected, took some time for each other, started riding bikes together and such and we're still together.

When I had warm fuzzies for a new person, I knew my relationship with my husband was going down the wrong path, and we stopped it fast.
 

BenPanced

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I wasn't abused. I wasn't cheated on. I also wasn't married, but 8 years of living together, I suspect that's close enough. And I left because there were things that were important to me that he was unwilling to help me with. Saving for me to go back to university took a back seat to whatever new technical toy caught his eye, and I'd never find out until it was too late to return it. And the extra help I needed from him whenever my chronic illness flared took a back seat to his computer games. Now I spent a good 6 years trying to work with him on those issues but eventually I came to the realisation that things were simply not going to change. So perhaps that's not enough of a reason for some to separate from their long-term partner, but for me it was.
I'd say that's ample grounds for hasta la bye-bye. It's pretty one-sided so if you're going to invest all that time and energy in another person, you should expect the same kind of support in return.
 

aadams73

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And whatever you do, after you've slept together that first time, don't ever, ever reach across the sheets and say, all dreamy-eyed, "I think I love you."

That happened to me once. I was amazed at how quickly I could gnaw my own leg off and escape...