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vixey
07-01-2009, 05:27 AM
So...I want to hear from the AWers who've been married before but maybe something didn't work out.

Especially from those who've been married a while... I've come close to my silver anniversary, but I called it quits before hand. It's sucks being a former part of a duet and now being single. Our friends aren't sure where either of us fit in.

I hate to sound pathetic....but....I just want to know....how to be single again.

maestrowork
07-01-2009, 05:30 AM
Excuse me? Singlehood doesn't suck and is not pathetic. It's all in your head. ;)

Angie
07-01-2009, 05:31 AM
I was married for about a year and a half. Unfortunately, he was a terrible alcoholic and quite abusive when drunk. I've been single for six years now. Some days it sucks, some days it's great.

Sorry you had to end your marriage after so long. :Hug2:

scarletpeaches
07-01-2009, 05:33 AM
Excuse me? Singlehood doesn't suck and is not pathetic. It's all in your head. ;)

It does if you don't want to be single but never meet anyone suitable.

aadams73
07-01-2009, 05:40 AM
There's nothing pathetic about being single. Think of it as an adventure. Anything is possible now. You can live your life, fulfill your own dreams, any way you please.

It can be exciting once you get past the pain.

scarletpeaches
07-01-2009, 05:44 AM
There's nothing pathetic about being single. Think of it as an adventure. Anything is possible now. You can live your life, fulfill your own dreams, any way you please.

It can be exciting once you get past the pain.

See, I don't get this. Are you saying you can't do the above when you're in a relationship?

And what if your 'dream' is to do things with a spouse?

No, married life isn't a bed of roses but the hard times are easier to take if you've got someone to support you through them.

Not to derail Vixey's thread (sorry Vixey) but it's exhausting coping with everything on your own at times and there's nothing wrong with preferring being with someone to being single. There's no in-built nobility to singledom.

Personally I think it sucks, but meh...what can you do? You can't magic up a partner from thin air.

Doesn't mean you don't get on with life, but you don't have to like it. Not everyone's made to be on their own.

Marcus
07-01-2009, 05:46 AM
Until i met my current wife, i never really met a woman that "got me." I tell jokes that you have to think about and most people just can't get past the language far enough to read the punch line.... I am rude and tell people to their faces what i see that is wrong with their personality. this was ok with bren because My wife studied psychology.

She had just split up from her ex-husband and i had just slit from my ex-wife, when we met. It was like some kind of story book crap when we realized how compatible we were.

When you break up from a relationship you've been in for a long time, IMHO the best thing you can do is focus on whats important in your life. Dwelling on the past can be self destructive. Neither my wife nor I would have made such a strong contact if we were anything other than relieved and liberated to be out of a destructive and poor relationship, only to find someone that wanted the same thing as we Each did. <what a terrible grammatical sentance>

Doing this will put you in contact with people that are going to have common interests as you. Being single is a great time to discover how independent you really are.

aadams73
07-01-2009, 05:50 AM
See, I don't get this. Are you saying you can't do the above when you're in a relationship?


Not at all! Everything is possible in a GOOD relationship. But being in one that isn't working can really trap you and kill your spirit. So once you're out of that bad relationship, things really open up again. And it can be so liberating.

scarletpeaches
07-01-2009, 05:53 AM
It's not either/or though. Happy single or sad married.

Hmm. I knew I shouldn't have joined this thread; I'll only get depressed.

Just to add: I'd like to be married, yes, but not to just anyone. If I was desperate I wouldn't have been single for [embarrassingly long period of time].

Ack. Threads like this depress me.

*leaves*

Marcus
07-01-2009, 05:54 AM
Not at all! Everything is possible in a GOOD relationship. But being in one that isn't working can really trap you and kill your spirit. So once you're out of that bad relationship, things really open up again. And it can be so liberating.

I would have to agree with this from first hand experience. When i met brenda I had just bought my 350z. I had put everything behind me and she was juss about in the same mindset as me.

Gotta walk away from poop relationships with your chin up and a bright eyes ready to take on life's challenges with fortitude of will and strength of character only a life changing event can provide.

scarletpeaches
07-01-2009, 05:56 AM
Bit hard to take from people who are happily married, though.

Marcus
07-01-2009, 05:58 AM
Bit hard to take from people who are happily married, though.

this is coming from someone that WASN'T happily married. I was in a Terrible relationship before this one.

aadams73
07-01-2009, 06:00 AM
Bit hard to take from people who are happily married, though.

I was MISERABLE in my marriage. I married the wrong person. Totally wrong. Phenomenally wrong. Walking away was the best thing I ever did for myself. Am I happier single than married? Yes, much. But I also know when the right person comes along, I'll be ecstatic partnering up again.

vixey
07-01-2009, 06:02 AM
Yeah....but what about if you'be been married 20 years plus? With 3 nearly grown kids?

Oh....and thanks, everyone, for your comments.

Marcus
07-01-2009, 06:12 AM
Vixey, my personal advice again is to focus on whats important in your life. Get out of the house and meet people that you will encounter doing the things in your life that are important to you.

when you meet someone under this very general rule that person and you should ideally have some common interest to begin with. Your status as a mature woman doesn't make you any less desirable a partner for someone that values your virtues.

Just remember to find a partner that knows the value of please and thank you. :) no matter how much you expect someone to do something, getting a thank you from someone you did something for still feels good when you know your still appreciated. :) Thank yous for doing the dishes. thank yous for cleaning poo... thank yous for getting a beer when I'm tied up in a shooting fest online.... pleases for getting the groceries on the way home. pleases for the simplest and most mundane things... and mean it when its said.

those words are linch-pins of a healthy relationship IMHO.
don't get into a relationship that is as complicated as this..... :D

http://gi151.photobucket.com/groups/s143/JJZKC5ND8O/0245.jpg

vixey
07-01-2009, 06:18 AM
Just remember to find a partner that knows the value of please and thank you. :) no matter how much you expect someone to do something, getting a thank you from someone you did something for still feels good when you know your still appreciated. :) Thank yous for doing the dishes. thank yous for cleaning poo... thank yous for getting a beer when I'm tied up in a shooting fest online.... pleases for getting the groceries on the way home. pleases for the simplest and most mundane things... and mean it when its said.

those words are linch-pins of a healthy relationship IMHO.

Thanks.

I have to say that 'poo' was a part of my life a while ago, I certainly understand your point. (As for the shooting fest on line....'pssst'....he can get his own damned beer. :D)

Silver King
07-01-2009, 06:35 AM
Bit hard to take from people who are happily married, though.
There's no such thing as, "happily married." It's just a ruse played on our single friends, to make them think they're missing out on something that doesn't exist. It's similar to, "single and happy," the reverse exaggeration that should be struck from our lexicon.

C.bronco
07-01-2009, 06:37 AM
16 years of marriage, and I have a divorce hearing in three weeks. I am much happier now. :)

It's nice to not dread going home, and not look for excuses to run out to the store to avoid being there. It's nice to cease livng under the constant worry of disapproval.

vixey
07-01-2009, 06:39 AM
There's no such thing as, "happily married." It's just a ruse played on our single friends, to make them think they're missing out on something that doesn't exist. It's similar to, "single and happy," the reverse exaggeration that should be struck from our lexicon.

I can't agree more. But there are many married couples who manage it better than others.

And while I don't regret my decision to alter my path in life, I've forgotten some of the basics.

I'm relearning how fun it is to eat dinner alone at the bar at a restaurant. :tongue

C.bronco
07-01-2009, 06:43 AM
LOL, I don't get out at all, but that is no change from the former. I'm happy to be home every night and tuck my boy and his puppy into bed.

jennontheisland
07-01-2009, 06:45 AM
13 years. I left in February.

It's definitely a huge adjustment. I got married before I went to college. I've never been an adult on my own. Hell, I don't think I'd ever been to Walmart on my own. I tried living on my own, but hated it and found a room mate after only a month.

Honestly, I'm not sure how to be single either.

C.bronco
07-01-2009, 06:48 AM
I actually have less to do, because I did everything before and then some (took care of mother-in-law, handled all of the bills, ran everyone's errands, took sister-in-law to look for a new car etc).

Cranky
07-01-2009, 06:53 AM
There's no such thing as, "happily married." It's just a ruse played on our single friends, to make them think they're missing out on something that doesn't exist. It's similar to, "single and happy," the reverse exaggeration that should be struck from our lexicon.

Dude, Dino, I gotta disagree with you. In my experience, when a marriage is working, firing on all cylinders....it most definitely does mean it's "happily married". And that's not just for newlyweds, either. Sure, there are still parts that suck mightily, where you think, my god, I wish I were single! And sometimes, it's definitely best to just...not be married anymore.

But yeah, you can be happily married.

Sorry, vixey. I don't have any advice for you, just hugs. I know that if I were to get divorced now (albeit after only ten years together), I think I'd have a little trouble learning how to be single again, too. I think the biggest thing is to be patient with yourself, and get to know you as a single person again. I don't mean to say that you were not fully yourself when you were married, but I think we're all a little different when we're married, simply because of the nature of the beast...little compromises that you might not otherwise make because you're accomodating the space that other person takes up in your life. Now, you have more room to add in things that are just for you.

I think once you get used to it, it will be a really great thing. :Hug2:

vixey
07-01-2009, 06:53 AM
Wow, C! A big hug for what you did. :)

jennontheisland
07-01-2009, 07:00 AM
I actually have less to do, because I did everything before and then some (took care of mother-in-law, handled all of the bills, ran everyone's errands, took sister-in-law to look for a new car etc).

Yeah, I've got less to do now too. But some of the time, I just don't know what to do with myself.

mscelina
07-01-2009, 07:01 AM
I went through miserable marriage number one, partied my way through fifteen years of 'you couldn't pay me enough to get married again' and now am so happily married that our friends think we're on drugs. So I'm coming at you from a different perspective on this vixey, and one that I hope helps you out.

The main thing I had to learn about being single again was not to look for anything. I discovered i didn't have to be married to have my own identity as an adult, and I learned that once I found my identity it didn't need to be stuck in stone. I learned to eat alone at the bar in a restaurant and made some really good friends that way. I got more involved in my career, made lots of friends of both sexes and found it in myself to get into some seriously challenging charity work and hobbies.

but the first thing I had to learn how to do was survive. In the end, it was easier than I thought it would be. There's a delicious sort of freedom to it, where you weigh your options without concern for how someone else will 'deal' with it and break out into all sorts of fascinating new directions. Those new directions lead to new paths, which can lead to new goals, new people, new circumstances--it's magical and it's amazing.

So the most important thing for YOU to know right now about being suddenly single again?

You have nothing to fear. You are an intelligent, beautiful, charming, wonderful young woman with all sorts of possibilities! let them intrigue you and you'll find yourself more quickly than you ever thought possible.

:)

Marcus
07-01-2009, 07:35 AM
There's no such thing as, "happily married." It's just a ruse played on our single friends, to make them think they're missing out on something that doesn't exist. It's similar to, "single and happy," the reverse exaggeration that should be struck from our lexicon.

I as well have to disagree with this assessment. If that is true then I live in a fairy tale.

I even went through a fairly rough patch of mental depression during the time we've been married; Bren asked me once if I was unhappy with the marriage and my answer was, "If that was the case my actions and decisions would be easy. I am happy, which makes the depression all the more difficult to quantify."

I consider my relationship with my wife to be quite different that the "normal" i have mentally pictured that most people go through.

We talk. We talk some more after we are done talking. We enjoy spending time with each other. We have common likes and Very common dislikes. Been married 4 years this coming dec, and we've had less fights than can be counted on one hand. The ones we have had were fairly traumatic, and we don't enjoy them.

I'd Hope my wife is as happy and satisfied as I am with our relationship. Relationships are complex things and they go sour quickly when one or both people lose interest in maintaining a healthy environment for what ever multitudinous reason.

being single shouldn't feel like this....>

http://gi151.photobucket.com/groups/s143/JJZKC5ND8O/1642.jpg

it should feel like this...

http://gi151.photobucket.com/groups/s143/JJZKC5ND8O/thread.jpg

and being married should feel like this...

http://gi151.photobucket.com/groups/s143/JJZKC5ND8O/nice.jpg

:D

kdnxdr
07-01-2009, 07:46 AM
Recently, I've been contemplating various aspects of my own life, past, present and future. As I was doing some research, I came across an interesting article I can't seem to find right now to post. The woman who wrote the article had come to the conclusion to end her marriage for various reasons. She has now believes that marriage is archaic and unnessesary in today's world.

I can empathize with what she is saying and I'm sure many would agree with that idea but I am one that still believes in marriage, for my own reasons.

She went on, with support from a psychologist, to say that there are basically 4 marrying types and that we all fall into those groups regarding our overarching motivation for getting married. I don't agree but, whatever. Also, that we, as humans, are wired to go in and out of relationships since the beginning of time, and that exclusive relationships serve a purpose while we're in them. When we no longer want to be in that relationship, we leave and go find another one.

Given that take, I began to compare and contrast older people (say 70+) who had continued for a life time in the same relationship with older people who had not, for one reason or another. I really think it's a personal decision as to how you conduct yourself in your life and in your relationships and only you will know the ending of the story.

Also, in my studying on various subjects, it seems that there is a real trend in the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" thinking. I read that men do not usually make long term commitments, the majority masturbate (usually using pornographic pics), they usually cheat on their committed partner - given the chance, and they turn off very easily to anything that doesn't match their fantasy life (which they seem to be preoccupied with) and they are not very engaging when it comes to emmotionally "fixing" the relationship when things get a little off track.

I know a lot of women that have decided that they will simply live with the same attitudes and behavior that they have had to contend with regarding men. So, what's the point?

It seems that the majority of us are set up to go through a series of relationships that will only offer a smidgen of what we're really looking for, and that is iffy.

I always thought it was sad that in the school system we are taught so many things that we never use or will use in our real lives. But no one ever teaches about how to have true friends, build relationships or how to handle our money in a positive, productive way, two essentials to having a happy life. If no one teaches us how to do that, then we can only, hopefully, learn from one mistake afte another.

Sorry, if I'm a tad gloomy.

Death Wizard
07-01-2009, 07:51 AM
I know this is going to sound hokey and trite, but it's true nonetheless: You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. If you love yourself, it doesn't matter whether you're single or married. You'll still be happy.

Marcus
07-01-2009, 08:05 AM
She has now believes that marriage is archaic and unnessesary in today's world.
its always been archaic and unnecessary. Marriage has its roots in the bible. It has to do with the moral fiber of humanity based on the bible's estimation.
In japan the "gesha" (sp) are honored working class women. They are 'whores' and in japan it's an honored position.
^^ these facts do not mitigate that being in a good relationship can be better than being in an unhealthy relationship, the same as being a healthy single person is better than being an unhealthy single person.
if someone wants to make the argument that marriage is useless,then that person has a perspective that is jaded against even the possible benefits of being with someone that challenges you to be a better human than you would normally.



really think it's a personal decision as to how you conduct yourself in your life and in your relationships and only you will know the ending of the story.
I can't agree more with the fabric of this statement!


I read that men do not usually make long term commitments, the majority masturbate (usually using pornographic pics), they usually cheat on their committed partner - given the chance, and they turn off very easily to anything that doesn't match their fantasy life (which they seem to be preoccupied with) and they are not very engaging when it comes to emmotionally "fixing" the relationship when things get a little off track.

First, the majority of men DO masturbate. I would go so far as to make the argument that masturbation is healthy. Lets just ignore the motivational force behind why we (mostly all) do it. Its as varied as men are.
To single out MEN and say that they "they usually cheat on their committed partner - given the chance" is a liiiiiiiiiitle bit one sided. I believe there is a work cited statistic floating around that the instance of men and women cheating isn't any more or less vs. the other sex. THAT, is a matter of morality, not a matter of gender.... /eyebrow tilt. *feathers a little ruffled by the implication.*


always thought it was sad that in the school system we are taught so many things that we never use or will use in our real lives. But no one ever teaches about how to have true friends, build relationships or how to handle our money in a positive, productive way, two essentials to having a happy life. If no one teaches us how to do that, then we can only, hopefully, learn from one mistake afte another.
Sorry, if I'm a tad gloomy.

Nothing to be sorry about. Your points where valid, mostly. I too wish the education system was a little bit better. It hasn't really had any changes since it was started over 800 years ago, and the model is just pitiful.

2old2pb
07-01-2009, 08:07 AM
My sister's getting divorced. I really liked her husband and I'm not sure if I should continue to talk to him. It may not matter because we live on opposite coasts. There's Facebook I guess, dunno what to feel really.

mario_c
07-01-2009, 08:20 AM
Interesting, guys. I've been single my whole adult life - I joke that I want to get into a relationship so my family will know I'm not gay. (J/K those who might go that way, all in good fun.)
But seriously, I'm very comfortable being single and I am more scared of all the freedoms I will give up than to be 'alone'. I have a social life...kinda. I don't sleep around, and I can't pick up women, but I do prefer to accumulate female friends. I don't think there's a ulterior motive there, or maybe there is, I don't know.
My point being, changing your lifestyle is daunting. If you're used to living your life in tandem with another, doing it solo would be scary, I imagine. Doing the opposite will be scary, but it needs doing.
Good luck to you whatever your life needs to be next.

JoNightshade
07-01-2009, 08:27 AM
Well, I haven't been divorced and I'm married now, but what you're going through sounds a lot like what I had to learn when I was single and on my own. Which, as someone else said, is learning to "love yourself." To me, that means being comfortable in your own skin. Being confident enough to go out by yourself, eat by yourself, chat with random strangers without being constantly self-conscious and worrying about having people stare at you. As a super-shy bookish girl, none of this came naturally to me, but I made a point to go out by myself regularly, and eventually I realized I could do it, and at some point I realized I wasn't just doing it because I was trying to find someone else... I really liked who I was and what I was doing, and I was satisfied to be on my own. Obviously having someone else would have been nice, but it wasn't going to change WHO I WAS. If that makes any sense.

Some stuff I did:
- Joined a ballroom dancing club
- Went to book stores, cafes, and restaurants alone
- Took up drawing and sketched in public places
- Took a martial arts class

None of those things were done to "meet guys." They were things I liked to do. I still like to do them. And when my husband showed up, it wasn't in any of those places. In fact, the only item on that list he likes to do is go to book stores.

kdnxdr
07-01-2009, 10:55 AM
Here are a collection of sites I think give some different perspectives on the subject of relationships.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Who-Cheats-More:-Men-or-Women&id

http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html=440585


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17951664//

http://www.examiner.com/x-12480-San-Antonio-Dating-Examiner~y2009m6d30-Cheating-is-more-than-a-sexual-interaction

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/28/fashion/28marriage.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

aadams73
07-01-2009, 11:42 AM
I know this is going to sound hokey and trite, but it's true nonetheless: You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. If you love yourself, it doesn't matter whether you're single or married. You'll still be happy.

That's so far from being hokey or trite. It's the absolute truth.

scarletpeaches
07-01-2009, 11:43 AM
I don't think it is. You can love yourself and still wanna be startin' somethin' with someone else.

aadams73
07-01-2009, 11:48 AM
I read that men do not usually make long term commitments, the majority masturbate (usually using pornographic pics), they usually cheat on their committed partner - given the chance, and they turn off very easily to anything that doesn't match their fantasy life (which they seem to be preoccupied with) and they are not very engaging when it comes to emmotionally "fixing" the relationship when things get a little off track.



Wow, that's such a massive load of crap that I don't know where to start.

First of all: there's nothing wrong with masturbation or porn. I'll buy that if it's reaching the point where a man(or woman) no longer engages with their partner, but what is stopping two people from enjoying it together?

When you have communication in a relationship, it completely blows what you've "read" right out of the water. I know very few men who won't listen if a woman says, "Hey, we need to talk about this."

Communication is everything. If you can't/won't communicate with each other, there's a good chance you're with the wrong person.

aadams73
07-01-2009, 11:48 AM
I don't think it is. You can love yourself and still wanna be startin' somethin' with someone else.

True, but you can still also want to be single. Choices, baby, they're wonderful.

scarletpeaches
07-01-2009, 11:52 AM
True, but you can still also want to be single. Choices, baby, they're wonderful.

It's also wonderful to know you are not alone. :D

aadams73
07-01-2009, 12:22 PM
It's also wonderful to know you are not alone. :D

There is definitely that, too! :D

Marcus
07-01-2009, 12:24 PM
MAN do you two ever SLEEP, its 10:30 here and I work Night shift! jezz!

lol i'm still a little ruffled about the blatant man hating in that one post :(

Cassiopeia
07-01-2009, 12:24 PM
I've got an entire KING SIZE bed to myself and I sleep right smack dab in the middle of it.

http://i274.photobucket.com/albums/jj266/Cassiopeias_photos/master.jpg

Marcus
07-01-2009, 12:28 PM
I've got an entire KING SIZE bed to myself and I sleep right smack dab in the middle of it.

http://i274.photobucket.com/albums/jj266/Cassiopeias_photos/master.jpg

right now i wish i could link the "OoooooH Sssssssnap" emoticon from yahoo!

Thats a nice bed set! Ours is more earthy looking like it should belong in a log cabin. I want to wood panel our bedroom to match the bedroom furniture. :)

we bought a king size set, but we still haven't bought a king mattress to go with it... we what a sleep number, which costs about million-billion bucks compared to all the other mattresses...

scarletpeaches
07-01-2009, 12:31 PM
MAN do you two ever SLEEP, its 10:30 here and I work Night shift! jezz!

lol i'm still a little ruffled about the blatant man hatting in that one post :(

Man-hatting is slightly less dangerous than asshatting.

Marcus
07-01-2009, 12:35 PM
haha thats what i get for not checking my spelling more closerly. lol

right lcikc, select.

aadams73
07-01-2009, 12:49 PM
MAN do you two ever SLEEP, its 10:30 here and I work Night shift! jezz!

lol i'm still a little ruffled about the blatant man hating in that one post :(

I am made of turnips. I need no sleep. :D

Hey, don't sweat the "man hating". There are a whole lot of women out there--like your awesome wife--who know that guys aren't that much different to us and that most of you are simply wonderful.

scarletpeaches
07-01-2009, 12:51 PM
I am made of turnips. I need no sleep. :D

Hey, don't sweat the "man hating". There are a whole lot of women out there--like your awesome wife--who know that guys aren't that much different to us and that most of you are simply wonderful.

aadams73 is so off the wall it's not real.

Plus, I'm in the UK. It's nearly 10am here.

Marcus
07-01-2009, 12:53 PM
thats just wrong, most of us wonderful types are complexily wonderful. There are only a few of those forest gump types around. :D

aadams73
07-01-2009, 01:00 PM
thats just wrong, most of us wonderful types are complexily wonderful. There are only a few of those forest gump types around. :D

:ROFL: Don't worry, I have a healthy appreciation for "complexily wonderful" men, too. Lots of us do.

seun
07-01-2009, 04:40 PM
I read that men do not usually make long term commitments, the majority masturbate (usually using pornographic pics), they usually cheat on their committed partner - given the chance, and they turn off very easily to anything that doesn't match their fantasy life (which they seem to be preoccupied with) and they are not very engaging when it comes to emmotionally "fixing" the relationship when things get a little off track.


Right. And women never cheat or wank and are always up for fixing a relationship when it goes tits up. :Shrug:

Alpha Echo
07-01-2009, 04:49 PM
I was married for two years, and now I'm single. He was a jerk, and now looking back with clear eyes, I can see how much better off I am without him.

Being single isn't pathetic. It is hard to go from thinking in terms of "we" to "me." But it will happen. Just take some time to do what YOU want. You are in complete control! That's something that surprised me when I realized it. Fortunately, all our friends were separate, for the most part. One couple we were both friends with sided with me (he cheated...and turned out to be a collosal liar in every way).

It is true that you need to focus on yourself. I don't know how your marriage was, but in mine, I was all about him - what could I do to make him happy? He never asked the same of me. I never even thought what it was that I needed to be happy - I thought I was happy. But I was dead wrong.

I've been on my own for just over 6 months...well, longer, but in my own apartment for 6 months. I love coming home to a clean apartment. I love not having to worry about the habits of mine that my ex hated. I love to come and go as I please without having to worry about what he would think. I don't want it like this forever, but right now, this ROCKS!

Oh and when you start dating again? Believe it or not, it's FUN. Because you're smarter now, older now, and you know exactly what you want.

Good luck sweetie.

rhymegirl
07-01-2009, 06:15 PM
Some days it sucks, some days it's great.

Actually, the same thing can be said about being married. It certainly isn't all bliss. When you have a fight with your spouse and you're really angry with him, thoughts go through your mind, and you start to wonder about things. You wonder if other couples are having similar fights or if it's just you.

I went to a 25th wedding anniversary party for my sister-in-law and her husband a few years ago. Now, this is a couple who has always appeared to get along well in public. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors? Well, their oldest daughter read a special tribute to them during the party. Some of it was funny and some quite revealing. She mentioned the fights her parents have (quite frequently, it seems)-- slamming doors, words exchanged back and forth. I was surprised to hear this. But obviously, they are still together, so they must love each other. And it made me feel a little better to know that other couples I know also fight.

But, to answer your question about what to do, how to feel about being single after being married for over 20 years--

I think you will experience many feelings, similar to losing someone through death. Anything you have been used to for many years (a long-term job, a longtime friendship, routines and rituals you've done for a long time) that suddenly comes to an end has to have a profound impact on you.

I think I would reach out to close friends or family members for support/friendship. Maybe I'd go for counseling if I felt sad or unsure of myself. Some people throw themselves into their work to keep busy, especially if it's work they love. Some people do a little volunteer work because when you're helping other people it makes you feel really good about yourself.

And if it was me I think I'd take up something new, something I always wanted to do. Yes, it's true a person could do this while they're married. But sometimes people are busy raising kids, running a household, and working so they just can't fit certain classes or interests into their schedule.

ChrisKelly331
07-01-2009, 08:20 PM
I find that I'm like Samantha from sex and the city, not the slutty part, but the "I love you but I love me more" part. I usually find being in relationships to be unbearable. I can't handle someone hovering around me and wondering what I'm doing and where I'm going and blah blah blah. The clingy neediness of relationships drives me batty. I am much happier single.

maestrowork
07-01-2009, 08:30 PM
vixey: How to survive a break up/divorce and singlehood...


Take some time to grief. But not too much time. Don't let depression and grief consume you. Say this to yourself: "I AM in charge."

Get yourself out there and live life. Don't mope around and feel sorry for yourself. Get out. Do things. Join a social club. Go to church. Meet people. Have fun. Do the things you don't normally do when you were married.... like rock climbing or something. Travel. Take up yoga.

The world is your oyster, man. And the more you go out there, the more likely you're going to meet people, and maybe someone who -- while not your next spouse -- will keep your company, to hang out with. Life is too short to dwell on what was in the past. Your future has just begun. Take charge.

I know it's hard to do when you're heartbroken and feel loss, afraid of change. But really, the world is out there. Get out and have some fun. That would at least take your mind off the domestic thing for a bit.

KTC
07-01-2009, 08:34 PM
The last time I was single was just after puberty, so I guess I'm no help at all. It would be awful to equate being single with being pathetic, though. We are not defined by our relationship status.

Alpha Echo
07-01-2009, 08:38 PM
It's true that being single isn't great all the time. There are lonely nights. There are times when something will hit you about your time with your husband, and suddenly, even though you were just fine a moment ago, you are overcome with grief.

Maestro's right. You have to let yourself grieve, or you won't heal. And you are ultimately in charge of your happiness.

maestrowork
07-01-2009, 08:41 PM
It's true that being single isn't great all the time.

It's also true that relationships are not great all the time. Sometimes it's outright awful.

Your life is what you make it to be. The rest is just detail.

Alpha Echo
07-01-2009, 08:43 PM
It's also true that relationships are not great all the time. Sometimes it's outright awful.

Your life is what you make it to be. The rest is just detail.

Being both in and out of relationships, I completely agree.

Stew21
07-01-2009, 09:40 PM
I was married for 5 years and got divorced. I moved far away and started fresh. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done to that point. I was terrified. I was going through a reinvention of myself without a roadmap or particular goal in mind.
The strangest and most difficult things for me were:
1) meeting new people. (I didn't know a soul in my new town)
2) once I did meet a few people I struggled with going to functions that were Couple-centric. I spent that first new year's eve on the couch with my dog.
3) cooking - it's a big adjustment to go from cooking for two to cooking for one. This made shopping difficult too.
4) figuring out the differences between the things I liked to do and the things I was just "used to" doing with my ex.
5) taking on the household jobs that used to be his and were suddenly squarely on my own shoulders.

How I got over them:

1) I made myself go places alone. Movies, out to dinner, to a local tavern. In restuarants I would get a seat at the bar instead of a table so I could look at the tv and bartenders are always happy to chit-chat whereas a table isolates you from everyone else. The bartender also knows all the regulars and once getting to know you a bit, will include you in conversations with others. I also found a church I was comfortable attending alone. They were very welcoming.
2) I worked with people who were all married. when one of them had a party at his house I went, thinking it would be fun and quickly realized that I was one of very few people not "in a couple". It was awkward, I was uncomfortable and I left quite early. The next time I went to one of those work parties where I knew there would be all couples, I brought a friend with me (I had some by then). Much better. (but I still spent new year's eve alone - there is simply no reason to push yourself into those types of situations.
3) cooking - for a while I tried to buy really small portions since I was only feeding myself, but I discovered that most of the things I really enjoyed cooking were much bigger just by recipe. Homecooking in my family has always been big amounts of food. so I went back to buying the bigger things, and also got myself some freezer containers. I still got to cook what I wanted, eat a good homecooked meal, and not have to worry about massive leftovers because I would freeze them in individual packages for later.
And once I had some friends, I would invite a couple of them over and cook for them. I love to cook. I gave myself permission and opportunities to. I just had to cut back on the amounts of perishable items I'd buy like fruit and veggies.
4) my ex was very set in his ways and had very particular likes and dislikes. And he was quite the couch potato. If I caught myself bored doing something I "always used to do" I would make myself get up and go somewhere. I was far more social than my ex, so a lot of times I would find some place to go where there would be people. I took a lot of day trips to see my brother and his wife. Where I didn't really have to do anything, just lay around if I wanted, but I was with people. I started reading and writing more (my ex hated those things, and didn't like me to do them either - controlfreakbastard - so I got that part of myself back). I was friends with a couple who had their own little karaoke business, and on Friday nights I'd ride with them to their gigs because it was something to do and I could be social with people. I got reintroduced to myself and my personality in that time of figuring out what I wanted to do with my time.
5) household stuff - my ex was an accountant and therefore in control of the finances. When you haven't touched the finances in 7 years (lived together before we got married) it's a scary thing to take-on. he also handled everything with the vehicles. So I made lists: due dates, budgets, bill amounts, put oil change dates, and tire rotations and when I bought a new car, handled all of the financing and paperwork on my own. I found that it wasn't that I wasn't capable of doing those things. I just had to do them to know I could and have confidence with those decisions.

Eventually the social life , work life and home-alone life were in a happy balance. I was comfortable in my single skin.

Mostly, it just takes time. Your real friends stay your friends in a split-up. You have to redefine what you think you know about yourself and find out the things you neglected or set aside for your ex, figure out what you like to do, want to do, and how you best operate in life.
It takes some time, but you have opportunities to do things your way now, and opportunities to take on new challenges. ((hugs)) You can do this!!!


I'm remarried to a lovely man and have two kids with this one; I don't want to be single again, not because I'm afraid to, or because it is pathetic, but because I love where I am and who I'm with.

kdnxdr
07-02-2009, 12:09 AM
For the record, I NEVER said I hate men so please don't say that I did.

I just stated that there are some issues (with each sex) that are factors in the health and prolongtivity of monogomous heterosexual relationships that often need to be considered. I brought those issues to the table from a female's perspective.

I actually think very fondly of men.

:)

Oh yeah, I'm not ashamed or timid about saying that I do think there is a problem with pornography and quite a few health professionals, including sex/marriage thereapists think so too, according to quite a bit of medical literature (including secular) that I've come across.

As far as masturbation goes, it gets the job done but "one is the lonliest number" and a person would have to do it in front of a mirror to really get the benefit of looking into a pair of eyes and enjoy the facial expressions that go along with the whole experience.

Marcus
07-02-2009, 01:06 AM
isn't the point of masturbation to get the job done. If your looking for more out of masturbation, maybe its not for you. Speaking from a man's point of view... Sometimes thats all i Need.

Me and the wife both masturbate in private. We've done just about everything imaginable with each other and we both appreciate some quite "alone" time with ourselves.

I didn't think your comment was from your own perspective, I took it as from someone else's point of view, but it was still relevant to your own perspective to have come from you.

If you think there is a problem with pornography, then there is. For you. Like, do you take aspirin? Aspirin has sever side effects for some people. Pornography is no different on the point that it does some good for some, and for some it is flat out the worst thing you could put in front of you.

Oh and one point I failed to mention from the other comment you quoted from. MEN get old. Men Peak in Performance at 18-22 years of age. After that, your natural testosterone levels in your body Never get to those levels. Testosterone is the chemical that directly relates to desire and physical stimulation in BOTH men and women. If you don't believe that, I'll be glad to post a work cited link where you can read up on the fact that they are developing what amounts to viagra for women, and its a patch you put on your belly and it drops testosterone into your blood stream like a nicotine patch and it makes you wet like crazy. Having said this, When a man gets older, it becomes more and more difficult to keep a hard on. THATS NORMAL!!!! I'm 28 and I've already noticed it. Its quite disturbing going from being able to walk around all day with a hard on to losing it instantly at the drop of a dime.

So again, to say that men focus on a fantasy and lose interest when reality doesn't match their fantasy is quite a bit callous. Lets just take the words of someone spouting some man hate and not bother to understand biology or hormone-ology at all.

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 01:11 AM
I actually think very fondly of men.

Well if you'll forgive me for saying so it certainly didn't read that way.


Oh yeah, I'm not ashamed or timid about saying that I do think there is a problem with pornography and quite a few health professionals, including sex/marriage thereapists think so too, according to quite a bit of medical literature (including secular) that I've come across.

There are also plenty of healthcare professionals who say it's okay. Who's right?


As far as masturbation goes, it gets the job done but "one is the lonliest number" and a person would have to do it in front of a mirror to really get the benefit of looking into a pair of eyes and enjoy the facial expressions that go along with the whole experience.

Someone who flicks one off probably isn't that bothered about seeing a pair of eyes. If it's about getting the job done, you get the job done and...that's it.

As Woody Allen said, "Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love."

kdnxdr
07-02-2009, 03:31 AM
Woody had his Orgasmitron....and I think there was a movie with Patrick Swaze (sp?) who had a spandex suit hooked up to a computer.

That's probably the next great computer application: human to machine; old concept just upgraded.

Silver King
07-02-2009, 03:36 AM
The only time I masturbate these days is when my wife does all the work for me. I'm getting lazy in my old age. :D

I mentioned earlier that there's no such thing as being happily married, which of course was meant to be an exaggeration. What I should have said is that successful couples who have been together a long time have simply mastered the skill of tolerating one another over the years. But are they happy? Probably not, unless you equate happiness with tolerance.

jennontheisland
07-02-2009, 03:41 AM
Woody had his Orgasmitron....and I think there was a movie with Patrick Swaze (sp?) who had a spandex suit hooked up to a computer.

That's probably the next great computer application: human to machine; old concept just upgraded.

Um, yeah, that would be the Hitachi Magic Wand (http://www.comeasyouare.com/index.cfm?fa=Catalog.Product&ProductId=3). (likely sfw)

Or did you mean something that's controllable over the internet (http://www.extremerestraints.com/remote-sex-toys_147/televibe--phone-internet-controlled-sex-kit_573.html)? (might not be sfw)


And if my options are getting off alone or some random one time thing... I'll take myself over a stranger any day.

Marcus
07-02-2009, 04:10 AM
But are they happy? Probably not, unless you equate happiness with tolerance.

oh you sad sad little man! :poke:

I'll just let you hold onto that morsel till it doesn't comfort you anymore.

I'm not even going to try to quantify why I'm actually happy, and just leave it at the fact that I have a woman in my life that appreciates me and challenges me to become a complete person. If your not bettering yourself your stagnating, and we are mostly made of water, and stagnant water stinks.... :Shrug:

you can quote me on that one if you like it. dunno where i just majiced that out of.

Silver King
07-02-2009, 04:33 AM
...I'm not even going to try to quantify why I'm actually happy...
If this thread is still around in another twenty years, I'd love to hear how you've remained "happily married" all of that time. I'm not saying it isn't possible, only that it's highly unlikely you'll be as cheerful then as you are now.

And if you think that hard-on is giving you trouble now at age twenty-eight, just imagine what you'll be in store for twenty years from now!

vixey
07-02-2009, 04:41 AM
I don't want anyone to think I've abandoned the thread. I've been at work and can't make it on during the day.

What an interesting slew of conversations happened. I'm glad I stirred up the pot.

It's work being married and it's work being single. The toughest parts for me at the moment are finding friends who aren't married and figuring out what I want to do. I have some ideas, but as Stew said, sometimes we find ourselves doing things because it's what we used to do with our spouse. I'm much more social/animated/spontaneous than he is and I need to find that about me again.

Marcus
07-02-2009, 04:43 AM
If this thread is still around in another twenty years, I'd love to hear how you've remained "happily married" all of that time. I'm not saying it isn't possible, only that it's highly unlikely you'll be as cheerful then as you are now.

And if you think that hard-on is giving you trouble now at age twenty-eight, just imagine what you'll be in store for twenty years from now!

:ROFL: thats the biggest part of whats troubling! I have a Planzer though! doesn't involve a blue pill either. I've been doing research into increasing testosterone naturally..... Will have to post updates on that note when i find an effective treatment that doesn't involve injections.

Death Wizard
07-02-2009, 05:01 AM
Four Seasons is no classic, but it speaks to this subject in a funny and touching way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xClfWmA5aEY

Silver King
07-02-2009, 05:08 AM
:ROFL: thats the biggest part of whats troubling!
On the bright side, the quality and longevity of performance improves with age, which makes up somewhat for the drop in frequency. For me, it happened closer to when I turned forty, right about the same time I needed glasses. Improving my vision has been far easier to deal with and less painful on the ego.

rhymegirl
07-02-2009, 05:08 AM
I mentioned earlier that there's no such thing as being happily married, which of course was meant to be an exaggeration. What I should have said is that successful couples who have been together a long time have simply mastered the skill of tolerating one another over the years. But are they happy? Probably not, unless you equate happiness with tolerance.

Maybe you could say we tolerate our partner's flaws and bad moods/mood swings.

As for happy, I think it just depends on what kind of day, week, month or year you're having. Couples go through ups and downs, problems, happy times, sad times, times when there is money coming in, times when the money is running out, times when you need a new roof on your house and don't know how to pay for it, times when someone is really sick, times when one person loses their job and the other person has to go be the bread winner.

But then there are happy times, too, when life is going right, a surprise source of money shows up from out of the blue, both people are healthy, somebody gets a raise or a much-needed job, or you just both sit down in front of the TV and watch a really funny movie and laugh your brains out.

I guess people have different definitions of happy, but I don't think it can be a constant joy every day kind of thing. I think you could say that overall, two people are happy, but each day is different, some days are good and some are not so good.

Silver King
07-02-2009, 05:59 AM
Maybe you could say we tolerate our partner's flaws and bad moods/mood swings.

As for happy, I think it just depends on what kind of day, week, month or year you're having. Couples go through ups and downs, problems, happy times, sad times, times when there is money coming in, times when the money is running out, times when you need a new roof on your house and don't know how to pay for it, times when someone is really sick, times when one person loses their job and the other person has to go be the bread winner.

But then there are happy times, too, when life is going right, a surprise source of money shows up from out of the blue, both people are healthy, somebody gets a raise or a much-needed job, or you just both sit down in front of the TV and watch a really funny movie and laugh your brains out.

I guess people have different definitions of happy, but I don't think it can be a constant joy every day kind of thing. I think you could say that overall, two people are happy, but each day is different, some days are good and some are not so good.
I love this post. I've read it three times, and each pass finds more and more intense meaning.

I've been so caught up with the ""happily married" theme of this thread that I lost sight of the whole, which Kathy fills in beautifully with stark yet revealing brush strokes, a window into the life uncovered that we can all appreciate.

wannawrite
07-02-2009, 06:22 AM
Okay, Vixey, I just have to throw my two cents in here. Not about what makes a happy marriage. Patience. Love. Understanding. Blah, blah, blah.

What I want to talk about is the 'afterward', because I think that's what you were asking about to begin with, right?

Okay, here goes. This is how I got through it. And for once, I'm not going to smirk and say 'just eat chocolate'.

I lost twenty pounds. Colored my hair. Worked out. Got thin and toned and tan and lean and looked damn good and knew it. Made sure I was wearing something hot whenever he stopped by to see the kids, not because I wanted him back, but because watching him eat his heart out was so damn much fun.

Then....

I ate out at the places he never wanted to go to. I went to the movies that I wanted to see. I went for walks, not because I really wanted to but because he NEVER wanted to. I quit worrying about fitting in with our mutual friends. If I had to try and 'fit in' they weren't really friends to begin with, were they. I signed up to do shit at work that I never would have done before, like employer olympics, and that stupid karaokee contest where my girlfriends and I sang Bitch, very, very badly, and actually had the nerve to dedicate it to the store managers. In front of them. I kept myself busy. I went to the library on Saturday mornings and just spent hours reading all the cool magazines that I couldn't afford to buy. It was fun. Calming, and fun. I also learned how to shoot tequila and do body shots, and ended up getting a really cool tattoo that I don't regret to this day.

And as I was doing all this crap, that was, in the beginning, just stuff to do to get over him, at some point along the way, I realized it was no longer about him, it was about me, and that I was actually enjoying my life again.

And yes, I do get lonely. Still. And yes, I do worry about the kids. Still.

But, life really does go on, if you let it. And it really will be okay. If you let it. And you will probably never be completely over him. I'm not. And that's okay too. You gave him your body, your life and your love. That doesn't ever just 'end'. But it DOES get better. Trust me on that one, okay.

Best of luck, Vixey. But you are going to be just fine.

icerose
07-02-2009, 06:35 AM
Oh and one point I failed to mention from the other comment you quoted from. MEN get old. Men Peak in Performance at 18-22 years of age. After that, your natural testosterone levels in your body Never get to those levels. Testosterone is the chemical that directly relates to desire and physical stimulation in BOTH men and women. If you don't believe that, I'll be glad to post a work cited link where you can read up on the fact that they are developing what amounts to viagra for women, and its a patch you put on your belly and it drops testosterone into your blood stream like a nicotine patch and it makes you wet like crazy. Having said this, When a man gets older, it becomes more and more difficult to keep a hard on. THATS NORMAL!!!! I'm 28 and I've already noticed it. Its quite disturbing going from being able to walk around all day with a hard on to losing it instantly at the drop of a dime.

Pssst! Don't you dare tell my husband, he's 32 and we're still making new records. Intimacy everyday, it keeps the happiness flowing. ;)

Vixey, good luck to you! I married when I was 18 and have been happily married for 9 years so I don't have any advice to give. Sorry. But good luck.

C.bronco
07-02-2009, 07:05 AM
I've seen good marriages that lasted over 40 years. They can happen.

Death Wizard
07-02-2009, 07:18 AM
I've seen good marriages that lasted over 40 years. They can happen.

The passion fades every time. Humans can only hold on to passion for so long. But it's replaced by other things.

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 07:21 AM
Relationships evolve (or dissolve). Passion can only last so long. What is more reliable is friendship, companionship, and love. Yeah, you may say, "isn't love already there?" Not always, not necessarily, and certainly not the same all the time. Love evolves, too, and hopefully to something truly remarkable and wonderful and selfless and brilliant, regardless of passion.

Marcus
07-02-2009, 07:23 AM
The passion fades every time. Humans can only hold on to passion for so long. But it's replaced by other things.
i find it helps to have a wife that loves to talk really dirty to you. :D

C.bronco
07-02-2009, 07:23 AM
My parents still hold hands. :) My Dad still tells my Mom he missed her when he gets home from work too. It makes me very happy to see it.

Also, I've been fortunate to have a lot of friends who are my parents' age, and have heard the way they spoke about their spouses in wonderful ways.

icerose
07-02-2009, 07:26 AM
Relationships evolve (or dissolve). Passion can only last so long. What is more reliable is friendship, companionship, and love. Yeah, you may say, "isn't love already there?" Not always, not necessarily, and certainly not the same all the time. Love evolves, too, and hopefully to something truly remarkable and wonderful and selfless and brilliant, regardless of passion.

My parents are old, they both have severe health problems, they've lost that passion, that big spark, but the love is very much there. It's true, their relationship evolved. They are no longer lovers but they are partners and friends and they look out for each other and the idea of life without the other is very painful even though they both know it's a possibility.

My mom got really sick this last fall and my father, I've never seen him look so worried, he went from being the person mostly cared for, to being the caregiver. It really uncovered just how strongly they both love each other. The tears he had in his eyes when she woke up at first and didn't recognize him. The joy he felt when she remembered his name. There are no words to describe what they have.

So yes, even when the passion is gone, love can still exist, and even thrive.

ETA: They have a plaque that they've had for years, it says "A good marriage requires falling in love every day and always with the same person."

ETA2: Sorry! I swear I'm not purposely trying to derail this thread!

mscelina
07-02-2009, 07:32 AM
You didn't derail it, icerose. It's a lovely story. :)

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 11:57 AM
The passion fades every time. Humans can only hold on to passion for so long. But it's replaced by other things.

Uh, no. Passion only fades if you let it.

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 02:30 PM
Uh, no. Passion only fades if you let it.

So young.... so naive... :)

thethinker42
07-02-2009, 02:41 PM
I was going to stay out of this thread, but...


Uh, no. Passion only fades if you let it.


So young.... so naive... :)

I've been married for coming on seven years. Not exactly a lifetime, but we're long past the newlywed/honeymoon phase. We've been through a lot in seven years - four very difficult years of infertility before ultimately deciding against having kids, two military deployments, major career changes for both of us in one year, moving across the U.S. and then halfway around the world, financial problems, problems with family, etc - so I think it's safe to say that the "marriage is 100% bliss" stars in my eyes have long since faded.

The passion, however, has never died. Peaks and valleys, sure, but it hasn't faded or died. We put in a conscious effort to keep it alive. I fully believe what scarletpeaches said above, because I've said that very thing to her many times. It perfectly sums up my marriage. Letting it fade or keeping it alive are not things that happen passively...you can choose to put in the work to keep it alive, or you can choose to let it fade.

KTC
07-02-2009, 02:45 PM
It's going to be 20 years married for me on the 11th. But really...it's been about 25...it took us a long time to consider the institution of marriage as a viable institution. We were punk/hippy kids...wild and free. At 17 we laughed at marriage as a silly court/church appointed nonsense that was so below us. At 22 we saw it as a way to celebrate our commitment publicly.

vixey
07-02-2009, 02:47 PM
I suppose I should add that I'm the one who left him... And it was more a matter that we drifted apart over the past several years. My feelings are total apathy where he is concerned.

I miss the comforts of what I used to do in the evenings with him (& kids - they're flying the coop at their ages). I need to give myself permission to look at my world with new eyes. I need to see possibilities in my environment, not slink back to same old same old.

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 03:09 PM
So young.... so naive... :)

So old...so bitter...;)

Try telling that to my friend who's been married 50 years and is still at it.

No, passion does not die unless you let it.

And if this is being naive, fine. I'll take naive over going into a relationship with a built-in sense of failure any day.

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 03:11 PM
Lack of passion /= failure.

I feel like younz are putting too much stock in this "passion" thing, instead of focusing on love, which evolves over time.

Perhaps my definition of passion is the not the same as yours... Love and passion are two very different things to me. Love, fun, affection... all that jazz is good, but I just don't think you'll have the same "passion" after 30, 40 years of marriage. My parents have been married for over 50 years now. They definitely don't have that "passion." But that love and bond and sense of fun and adventure are still there. They're just not going to rip each other's clothes off and have serious PDA or reenact that beach scene from From Here to Eternity (ewwww). They don't even hold hands in public. But in no way is their love diminished.

KTC
07-02-2009, 03:11 PM
Lack of passion /= failure.

passion is a fruit.

thethinker42
07-02-2009, 03:15 PM
Lack of passion /= failure.

Nor is the death/fading of passion a foregone conclusion.

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 03:15 PM
Lack of passion /= failure.

To me it would be. To the friend I mention above it would be. To Lori it would be.

So...I marry a man who feels the same, or I stay single. At the moment, I'm single. Don't like it, but I just have to deal with it.

Always at it? No. But foreplay doesn't begin and end in the bedroom. Neither does making love or passion.

If marriage takes work, why not put that work into the physical side of things? Sex is too important to me to have a passionless marriage, so...diff'rent strokes. Snerk.

KTC
07-02-2009, 03:16 PM
diff'rent strokes

That was a really great show, man.

thethinker42
07-02-2009, 03:17 PM
To me it would be. To the friend I mention above it would be. To Lori it would be.

Exactly. It's important enough to me that if I didn't put the effort in to keep it alive, I would consider it a failure. I would also do whatever I could to rekindle it.


Sex is too important to me to have a passionless marriage.

QFT.

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 03:21 PM
T
If marriage takes work, why not put that work into the physical side of things? Sex is too important to me to have a passionless marriage, so...diff'rent strokes. Snerk.

Just wait until you're 75 years old and married to the same man for 40 years, and then you tell me if you still want to get into his pants, or if sex is still all that important.

Like I said, our perspective is different. I'm still a very passionate guy, but I'm also still very young. I've always been passionate and I expect the same in my mate. But I'm also realistic. I've seen love grow into something else, when the passion was gone but the love exist nonetheless. And I know that when I'm 85 years old, I'd rather have a soulmate and companion than someone to get my rocks off. And I really am not sure if sex would be important to me anymore in 30, 40 years.

You and Lori are not convincing me because you are young. Again, tell me again in 40 years. Let's compare notes.

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 03:24 PM
Just wait until you're 75 years old and married to the same man for 40 years, and then you tell me if you still want to get into his pants, or if sex is still all that important.

How about 70, married for 50 years to a man ten years older?


You and Lori are not convincing me because you are young. Again, tell me again in 40 years. Let's compare notes.

You're not convincing me because you're older.

Like I said, I've heard the exact opposite of what you're saying from people like my friend above.

No, I'm not in my 70s. No, I'm not married. That doesn't mean I have to believe you. Because there are people out there who say the exact opposite - and they have the sort of marriage I'd want.

So yes, it is possible. With work. And a passionless marriage is not the default.

KTC
07-02-2009, 03:28 PM
And I really am not sure if sex would be important to me anymore in 30, 40 years.

If it is, you'll need scotch tape and hydraulics...at the very least. Maybe even MacGyver.

Marcus
07-02-2009, 03:29 PM
If it is, you'll need scotch tape and hydraulics...at the very least. Maybe even MacGyver.




:D:ROFL::roll::poke:

Bmwhtly
07-02-2009, 03:30 PM
I'll take naive over going into a relationship with a built-in sense of failure any day.
Pfffft, I won't.

Must be the english in me.

thethinker42
07-02-2009, 03:33 PM
Just wait until you're 75 years old and married to the same man for 40 years, and then you tell me if you still want to get into his pants, or if sex is still all that important.

Like I said, our perspective is different. I'm still a very passionate guy, but I'm also still very young. I've always been passionate and I expect the same in my mate. But I'm also realistic. I've seen love grow into something else, when the passion was gone but the love exist nonetheless. And I know that when I'm 85 years old, I'd rather have a soulmate and companion than someone to get my rocks off. And I really am not sure if sex would be important to me anymore in 30, 40 years.

I'm not saying the love is unimportant either. I have never once said that this is any more or less important to me than any other aspect of love/marriage. It's simply the topic of the posts to which I replied, so it's all I addressed.

If I had to choose between a loveless but hot marriage, and a tepid but loving marriage, I'd take the latter...IF those were the only choices available. Which they're not.

The main thing I'm pointing out is that the death of passion is not a foregone conclusion. It's not something I, personally, am willing to sit back and allow to happen because "well, it's going to happen anyway, why bother stopping it?", because I don't believe that to be the case. And I don't think it makes me naive to feel that way.

Also, for my husband and me, the passion in our marriage has sometimes been the bond that gets us through difficult times. Sometimes where words fail, turning off the lights and reconnecting can make all the difference int he world. As Scarletpeaches has said a few times in our conversations, they don't call it "making love" for nothing.

It's not the most important part of love or a relationship, but at least where my own marriage is concerned, it isn't unimportant either. I would no sooner let it die without a fight than I would let our ability to communicate verbally.


You and Lori are not convincing me because you are young. Again, tell me again in 40 years. Let's compare notes.All I have to go on is what I know as a 28 year old who's been married for 7 years. When I said it before I got married, people said to wait a year or so when the honeymoon phase is over. When I said the same thing after 2 years of marriage, people said "wait another 5 years, then tell me how good it is". So, the longer I'm happily and passionately married, the longer the "just wait" finish line gets pushed out. *shrug* All I know is that we're still going strong and are just as [censored] as we were 7 years ago.

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 03:36 PM
So yes, it is possible. With work. And a passionless marriage is not the default.

But you're also assuming that a (long-term) marriage when the passion is gone is FAIL. Which just isn't true, even if you feel that way now in your 30s.

KTC
07-02-2009, 03:38 PM
But you're also assuming that a (long-term) marriage when the passion is gone is FAIL. Which just isn't true, even if you feel that way now in your 30s.

I totally see what you're saying and for the most part agree with your observations on sex becoming less important. I do, however, believe that passion should be separated from sex to an extent. Passion still exists when sex fizzles away and you are left 2 old fools in your 80s rocking in chairs that creak louder than your bones...but just slightly louder.

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 03:38 PM
But you're also assuming that a (long-term) marriage when the passion is gone is FAIL. Which just isn't true, even if you feel that way now in your 30s.

FOR ME yes, it is fail. And to reference my age is patronising.

There are people 40 years older than me for whom passionless = fail. Being in my 30s has nothing to do with it.

You don't agree? So what? We'll never be married to each other anyway. We find partners who are on our level.

Just like my friend did. Just like Lori did. Just like so many other couples I know did. (I don't want to name them simply because they're not members of this forum and it would be an invasion of their privacy).

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 03:41 PM
So, the longer I'm happily and passionately married, the longer the "just wait" finish line gets pushed out. *shrug* All I know is that we're still going strong and are just as [censored] as we were 7 years ago.

I actually with a lot of what you said. I'm just not convinced with Scarlet's assertion that a marriage without passion (especially when the couple is much older) is failure. Certainly I don't believe my parents' marriage is a failure.

Seriously, if you can keep the passion going and still have wonderful sex at age 75, good for you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Congrats!

Still, I wonder, are you honestly saying your passion with your husband is exactly the same or stronger now than during your honeymoon? I want to believe you, but I have a difficult time doing so. Because I AM a very passionate guy and I've been in very long-term relationships, and 10 out of 10 times the passion waned after a while. Maybe not 2 years or 4, but certainly 7 or 10, and it's not for the lack of trying.

But then again, that's just me. Perhaps that's why those relationships didn't work at the end. Perhaps there was something missing. Perhaps the waning passion was just a symptom of something else. Perhaps if the relationship was strong, the passion would still have been there. Who knows?

thethinker42
07-02-2009, 03:42 PM
But you're also assuming that a (long-term) marriage when the passion is gone is FAIL. Which just isn't true, even if you feel that way now in your 30s.

To clarify my own stance here, my belief is that LETTING the passion die is a failure. "Letting" as in, passively allowing it to fade, not putting in the effort, just assuming that it's going to die, so not bothering. In other words, it doesn't have to die, but for me, letting it do so just because everyone else says it will...that would be a failure.

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 03:45 PM
FOR ME yes, it is fail. And to reference my age is patronising.


But are you saying if you're 70 years old, married to a guy for 35 years, and you find the passion has waned, you would want a divorce because you consider the marriage has failed?

Just wondering.

Ken
07-02-2009, 03:46 PM
... if sex is an individual's primary focus they are probably better off not getting married and remaining single, in my estimation. This will enable them to play the field and have a slew of mates to satisfy their insatiable yearnings. Marriage will not do this for them, more likely than not, unless they are very much into their spouses from a physical standpoint, and even then they are likely to get bored after a time, doing it with the same joe or jane. So for those who love sex, let them stay single and MINGLE!

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 03:46 PM
I actually with a lot of what you said. I'm just not convinced with Scarlet's assertion that a marriage without passion (especially when the couple is much older) is failure. Certainly I don't believe my parents' marriage is a failure.

Ray, I'm saying FOR ME it would be. Not for anyone else, because of course, I wouldn't be a part of their marriage. Like writing, if it works, it works. But I know what I want, what I would tolerate, what I aim for, what I would be prepared to work for, what are dealbreakers and dealclinchers.

I know my own mind. Others don't have to agree because I wouldn't be marrying them, and I stay out of their marriages.


Still, I wonder, are you honestly saying your passion with your husband is exactly the same or stronger now than during your honeymoon? I want to believe you, but I have a difficult time doing so. Because I AM a very passionate guy and I've been in very long-term relationships, and 10 out of 10 times the passion waned after a while. Maybe not 2 years or 4, but certainly 7 or 10.

I have no trouble believing Lori. ;)

Of course, I come to this argument having never had a serious or long-term relationship but may I remind you of a couple of rep points I sent you the other day referencing two of my previous 'relationships'? *cough*

Okay, to be completely serious about it - I've seen passionate people maintain their feelings throughout long marriages. No, one doesn't know what goes on behind closed doors but I have no more reason to believe you than them, and I know for sure who I want to believe.

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 03:46 PM
To clarify my own stance here, my belief is that LETTING the passion die is a failure. "Letting" as in, passively allowing it to fade, not putting in the effort, just assuming that it's going to die, so not bothering. In other words, it doesn't have to die, but for me, letting it do so just because everyone else says it will...that would be a failure.

I have never said anything about "letting." Not once.

But if it happens, it's not an automatic FAIL.

thethinker42
07-02-2009, 03:46 PM
Still, I wonder, are you honestly saying your passion with your husband is exactly the same or stronger now than during your honeymoon? I want to believe you, but I have a difficult time doing so. Because I AM a very passionate guy and I've been in very long-term relationships, and 10 out of 10 times the passion waned after a while. Maybe not 2 years or 4, but certainly 7 or 10, and it's not for the lack of trying.

Yes. There isn't much I can add without TMI, but...yes. :D

thethinker42
07-02-2009, 03:48 PM
I have never said anything about "letting." Not once.

But if it happens, it's not an automatic FAIL.

I was just clarifying my own belief. Letting it die would be a failure in my marriage.

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 03:49 PM
... if sex is an individual's primary focus they are probably better off not getting married and remaining single, in my estimation. This will enable them to play the field and have a slew of mates to satisfy their insatiable yearnings. Marriage will not do this for them, more likely than not, unless they are very much into their spouses from a physical standpoint, and even then they are likely to get bored after a time, doing it with the same joe or jane. So for those who love sex, let them stay single and MINGLE!

Loving sex does not mean you could not maintain a happy marriage. In fact I find it harder to believe you can maintain a happy marriage if you don't love sex.

Also - may I (politely) object to your use of the phrase 'insatiable yearnings'? It gives the impression of a rabid sexmonster who cannot stay faithful.

Having a high sex drive does not, not, not mean you get bored doing it with the same person. I want to make that absolutely clear right here and now.

In fact when I've been strongly into someone it's them I want and only them.

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 03:49 PM
Ray, I'm saying FOR ME it would be.


Thanks for the clarification. As long as we're not generalizing, I believe you. I believe you know who you are and what you want.


Okay, to be completely serious about it - I've seen passionate people maintain their feelings throughout long marriages. No, one doesn't know what goes on behind closed doors but I have no more reason to believe you than them, and I know for sure who I want to believe.

I have no problem believing that exists, and people could be in a very long relationship and still maintain their passion. No problem at all. I'm just saying lack of passion is not fail either. Plenty of loving, wonderful marriages evolve into something that doesn't require "passion" (at least the definition we seem to be having). To me, sex is not everything, especially when one gets older. I know I feel that way. I'm very passionate, but as I get older, I do find that I'm less and less hung up on sex. Love is so much more important to me. Always has been.

thethinker42
07-02-2009, 03:50 PM
Having a high sex drive does not, not, not mean you get bored doing it with the same person. I want to make that absolutely clear right here and now.

In fact when I've been strongly into someone it's them I want and only them.

QFT.

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 03:51 PM
But are you saying if you're 70 years old, married to a guy for 35 years, and you find the passion has waned, you would want a divorce because you consider the marriage has failed?

Just wondering.

I would work on getting it back. Like Lori pointed out, LETTING something happen just because other people say it's inevitable = fail. FOR HER. And me.

But I'm not part of her marriage. ;) I just happen to agree.

KTC
07-02-2009, 03:54 PM
When I was younger I used to wonder when it was that sex would seem ridiculous to me. Now I know it will never seem that way. Ever.

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 03:54 PM
What if even trying hard and not LETTING it go still doesn't quite work? Do you keep trying? And if so, what if it's just reality? Would you still get a divorce?

KTC
07-02-2009, 03:56 PM
I have a hard time using the word PASSION and the word TRY in the same sentence. I've never tried to be passionate. Passion happens. For me, it will never not be there. I trust this about my relationship.

Ken
07-02-2009, 03:56 PM
... a healthy sexual appetite is fine, and absolutely does make for a great marriage, alongside other factors being in place. But a sexual appetite that leans towards excess probably will led to a monkey wrench being thrown into the marriage in time.

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 03:57 PM
What if even trying hard and not LETTING it go still doesn't quite work? Do you keep trying? And if so, what if it's just reality? Would you still get a divorce?

A peensplint and some viagra?

To be serious, though, I'm not saying, "I gotta get some or I walk out." In such a situation, I don't know...I really don't know how I would cope.

It would be hard difficult for me, but...I really don't know. I'm 33, never married. I can't answer.

Hopefully I would meet a man one day that I love strongly enough to stick by him 'in sickness and in health'. Until now I've only had short relationships to go on, and I've never been deeply in love, so what do I know?

All I know is what I want. If I never find it, I'll be disappointed. If I do...I'll tell you when I get there.

thethinker42
07-02-2009, 04:03 PM
When I was younger I used to wonder when it was that sex would seem ridiculous to me. Now I know it will never seem that way. Ever.

You and me both. I'm still waiting for that "sex? meh? not important..." to happen. Maybe that's why I started writing erotica. :D


What if even trying hard and not LETTING it go still doesn't quite work? Do you keep trying? And if so, what if it's just reality? Would you still get a divorce?

I would consider it a failure in my marriage, not necessarily that the marriage itself has failed. I take my vows seriously...for better or worse, etc. I wouldn't divorce him over it, but I'm not going to pretend that it wouldn't cause some difficulty/unhappiness, at least on my part. I would feel that I failed him, but I'm not going to walk out on him over it.


I have a hard time using the word PASSION and the word TRY in the same sentence. I've never tried to be passionate. Passion happens. For me, it will never not be there. I trust this about my relationship.

"Trying" might not be the right word. All I know is that my husband and I both put in an effort to keep the fire going...flirting, spicing things up, surprising each other, trying new things...but I wouldn't exactly call it "work". :D

The only time it becomes "work" for us is if the rest of our marriage is in a bit of a funk, but those are the times we put extra effort into this aspect of it. Sometimes it's the only thing we have to remind us both that "We'll be okay, we'll get through this". We hit a rough patch a few months ago (funny what moving halfway around the world and undergoing massive career changes can do to people), but the one thing that didn't take a hit was our sex life, and it was a significant part of what carried us through. As far as I'm concerned, that's worth keeping alive.

thethinker42
07-02-2009, 04:05 PM
... a healthy sexual appetite is fine, and absolutely does make for a great marriage, alongside other factors being in place. But a sexual appetite that leans towards excess probably will led to a monkey wrench being thrown into the marriage in time.

Unless a person with a sexual appetite that leans towards excess marries someone with the same.

Not that I would know...

Ken
07-02-2009, 04:05 PM
... you'll meet someone nice and get hitched, SP! :-)
You've just gotta lower your standards a bit.
You deserve the best. Don't get me wrong on that. But you see, there simply isn't a "best" category out there. All us blokes got faults and flaws, including that celebrity you like, except when observed from a distance.
(((SP))) Not cause you're in need of any comfortin' on the score, but cause yer nice ;-)

ps That might work, TT42. Didn't think of that possibility.

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 04:08 PM
... you'll meet someone nice and get hitched, SP! :-)

Hope so! ;)


You've just gotta lower your standards a bit.

Absolutely not. Never, ever, ever.

I hold myself to the same standards I would hold my spouse. But lower my standards? Nuh-huh. Ain't gonna happen.


You deserve the best. Don't get me wrong on that. But you see, there simply isn't a "best" category out there.

There is a best. Best FOR ME.


All us blokes got faults and flaws, including that celebrity you like, except when observed from a distance.
(((SP))) Not cause you're in need of any comfortin' on the score, but cause yer nice ;-)

ps That might work, TT42. Didn't think of that possibility.

I wonder who that is...Hmm...:D

thethinker42
07-02-2009, 04:08 PM
... you'll meet someone nice and get hitched, SP! :-)
You've just gotta lower your standards a bit.
You deserve the best. Don't get me wrong on that. But you see, there simply isn't a "best" category out there. All us blokes got faults and flaws, including that celebrity you like, except when observed from a distance.
(((SP))) Not cause you're in need of any comfortin' on the score, but cause yer nice ;-)

Lower her standards?? Nonsense. All joking about celebs aside, SP has very realistic standards (IMHO) for what she wants in a man (we've discussed this at length - so to speak - outside of AW). There will always be compromises to be made, but I admire her "I ain't settling" attitude. I know too many people who've settled with the first person who came along that was willing to get married. And many of them are miserable.


ps That might work, TT42. Didn't think of that possibility.

Trust me. ;) It works.

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 04:09 PM
The only time it becomes "work" for us is if the rest of our marriage is in a bit of a funk, but those are the times we put extra effort into this aspect of it. Sometimes it's the only thing we have to remind us both that "We'll be okay, we'll get through this".

That my friend, is the true meaning of a working relationship and love. Not the sex.

Yes, sex is important, will (probably) always be important. I can't imagine myself losing interest in sex -- but certainly not at the level when I was in my 20s, when I could do it all the time, multiple times a day, every day. Physically, we do get old and our bodies do change. But the mind can keep young -- as the old adage goes, you're as old as you think. Still, the physical change is a reality. Maybe not now when we're still young, but certainly once we become senior citizens. Taking Viagra helps, but certainly, I wouldn't be doing it multiple times a day, every day.

But the love is the one that grows the most, not the penis. And I'm perfectly happy with that.

aadams73
07-02-2009, 04:10 PM
All I know is what I want. If I never find it, I'll be disappointed. If I do...I'll tell you when I get there.

When you find "the" guy and get married, I'll send you a turnip bouquet.

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 04:11 PM
When you find "the" guy and get married, I'll send you a turnip bouquet.

I'll invite you to the wedding and shower you with turnips.

Bmwhtly
07-02-2009, 04:14 PM
I've only had short relationshipsWhat're you doing this weekend?

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 04:15 PM
You? :e2brows:

aadams73
07-02-2009, 04:17 PM
I'll invite you to the wedding and shower you with turnips.

I've never had a turnip shower...

Bmwhtly
07-02-2009, 04:21 PM
You? :e2brows:
Who says romance is dead?

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 04:30 PM
Don't confuse romance with pure insatiable lust.

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 04:32 PM
We're Scottish. Romance comes in a six-pack.

thethinker42
07-02-2009, 04:35 PM
Don't confuse romance with pure insatiable lust.

Ah, but when the two meet? :D

*says no more...*

thethinker42
07-02-2009, 04:36 PM
We're Scottish. Romance comes in a six-pack.

I like military guys, so romance often comes WITH a six-pack... ;)

Bmwhtly
07-02-2009, 04:43 PM
I now have a new signature

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 04:45 PM
I have a twelve pack. When should I join in?

kdnxdr
07-02-2009, 04:52 PM
Here's two interesting articles, especially the second, on the subject of sexless marriages:


http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/03/when-sex-leaves-the-marriage/

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/Story?id=4137184&page=1

Bmwhtly
07-02-2009, 04:54 PM
I have a twelve pack.Suddenly my barrel looks pretty unimpressive.

aadams73
07-02-2009, 05:19 PM
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/Story?id=4137184&page=1




From the above article:
WHY MEN SAID THEY STOPPED

reason percentage (%) She isn't sexually adventurous enough for me - 68
She doesn't seem to enjoy sex - 61
I am interested in sex with others, but not with my wife - 48
I am angry at her - 44
I'm bored - 41
She is depressed - 40
She has gained a significant amount of weight - 38
I am depressed - 34
I no longer find her physically attractive - 32
I suffer from erectile dysfunction - 30
I lost interest and I don't know why - 28
I prefer to masturbate, but not online - 25*
I prefer to watch pornography online and masturbate - 25*
I am on medication that lowered my libido - 21
I am/was having an affair - 20
I suffer from premature ejaculation - 16
I have difficulty achieving orgasm - 15
I am too tired - 14
She is/was having an affair - 9
I don't have the time - 6
I wasn't interested in sex to begin with - 3
I am gay - <1
*These figures may overlap.






Every single thing here can be resolved through this amazing thing called communication. If you don't have it, then you need to find it or realize that you're with the wrong person. Communication is everything.

kdnxdr
07-02-2009, 05:43 PM
Being over 50, I think it's only fair to bring some insight from a geriatric (or eventually geriatric) perspective regarding passion/sex/love in a relationship:

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/sexafter60.html#Anchor-538

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_n9_v44/ai_7698855/?tag=content;col1

http://www.amazon.com/Better-Than-Ever-Expected-Straight/product-reviews/1580051529/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

kdnxdr
07-02-2009, 05:54 PM
When I was 18 and REALLY wanted to move away from my family and THEIR issues, I went to live with my grandmother who was over 60.

It had been a number of years since my grandparents lived in the same house, though they were married. He built himself a little house down by the lake and stayed there. He let her have the house he had built in town.

He would come to visit when everyone was gathered and he would have conversations with various people but he and she would almost never communicate except in short terse words. They were never publicly ugly or out-right hateful. They just didn't really speak with each other that any of us could attest to.

While I was staying with my grandmother, I came to know a little secret.
She and I slept on either end of a lean-to porch on the back of the house as they had no airconditioning. It was Texas, and hot, but the nights are usually rather comfortable.

I found out that summer that, every Friday night, just about, grandpa's truck would drive up right before dawn. I'd hear the screen door open and grandpa would slip into bed. That bed had an old fashioned spring under the mattress and grandpa didn't miss a beat. At 18 I was shocked but, as I lay there, hiding under my blanket, I had the most wonderful sense of happiness to know that my grandparents, for all their public coolness, still made love.

Even though they didn't live together, he made sure she wanted for nothing. My dad said that at her funeral, grandpa looked down into the grave where they had lowered grandma and told my dad, "I wish I could jump in there with her."

Cranky
07-02-2009, 06:16 PM
Life is about peaks and valleys, and marriage is no different. I image that for you, Vixey, being single again will mean similar peaks and valleys come along. Sometimes, you'll think it's the awesomest thing ever, wonder why you didn't do this ages ago, and then other times you'll wonder if you'll ever stop feeling lonely.

That's how it was for me when I was single. I was alternately convinced that I was going to be a swingin' single lady for the rest of my life, traveling around and having a great time in general, and then other times I wondered what was wrong with me, why I was so unloveable and horrible a person I couldn't seem to stay in a relationship. I was going to be an old lady surrounded only by cats and tottering piles of trash in some shitty little apartment, bitter and all alone.

Yeah, I was a little extreme, hee. Truth is, I think I would have been fine, eventually, even if I hadn't met my husband and had our children. I can't say if I'm happier married or not, because I never really got comfortable being single, but I can't say I'm sorry about my choice. And I'm sure that you've made the right choices for you, too. So eventually, you'll learn the ropes again.

Bmwhtly
07-02-2009, 06:19 PM
Sometimes, you'll think it's the awesomest thing ever, wonder why you didn't do this ages agoProbably, if my life is any guide, you'll feel best about single life when you're drinking milk from the bottle or eating cheese right out of the packet.

Cranky
07-02-2009, 06:23 PM
Probably, if my life is any guide, you'll feel best about single life when you're drinking milk from the bottle or eating cheese right out of the packet.

In the middle of the night. In your boxers. Or maybe at three in the afternoon on a Saturday, when you've just woken up. :D

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 06:28 PM
I now have a new signature

I'm so proud. :D


I have a twelve pack. When should I join in?

For you, my l- arms. ARMS. For you, my arms are always open.

aadams73
07-02-2009, 06:38 PM
In the middle of the night. In your boxers. Or maybe at three in the afternoon on a Saturday, when you've just woken up. :D

Or when you're eating cereal for dinner. :D

scarletpeaches
07-02-2009, 06:43 PM
I like military guys, so romance often comes WITH a six-pack... ;)

*buys one-way ticket to Japanistan*

Bmwhtly
07-02-2009, 06:58 PM
Or when you're eating cereal for dinner. :Dor when you go through a whole saturday without putting shoes on (or shaving)

aadams73
07-02-2009, 08:42 PM
or when you go through a whole saturday without putting shoes on (or shaving)

Or when you don't have to fight for the remote.

Wait, I don't watch much TV. Carry on.

maestrowork
07-02-2009, 09:03 PM
In the middle of the night. In your boxers. Or maybe at three in the afternoon on a Saturday, when you've just woken up. :D


Or when you're eating cereal for dinner. :D


or when you go through a whole saturday without putting shoes on (or shaving)


Or when you don't have to fight for the remote.

Wait, I don't watch much TV. Carry on.


Huh, I did all that when I was coupled. I even went through a whole saturday without putting pants/clothes on.

Cranky
07-02-2009, 09:05 PM
Sorry, Ray. I was thinking of married w/kids. I don't sleep in 'till three (ha!) and I'm certainly not parading around the house starkers or in very little, not with four young boys running around. :D

Other folks maybe, but not me. ETA: Then again, even when I was single w/no kids, the only thing I *did* do, really, was sleep in whenever I liked. Otherwise, I had roommates who didn't want to see me in my birthday suit, or I lived in barracks.

2old2pb
07-02-2009, 10:14 PM
So many interesting opinions, so many different situations it makes me wonder if relationships are ever broken and need to be fixed. Relationships do start, maybe sometimes they just end. No one at fault, no one to blame. Everything is in flux. Is it not unreasonable to think a human construct such as love will last forever?

icerose
07-02-2009, 11:14 PM
So many interesting opinions, so many different situations it makes me wonder if relationships are ever broken and need to be fixed. Relationships do start, maybe sometimes they just end. No one at fault, no one to blame. Everything is in flux. Is it not unreasonable to think a human construct such as love will last forever?

I'd say depends on the people. My parents, after all they've been through, their love is there to stay.

My goal and something my husband I work at every single day is to also stay in love. We seduce each other, we court each other, we support each other, we love each other, we are sensative to each other's needs, we communicate all the time, if there's a problem we address it right then and there. There are times we're biting each other's heads off and we take the time to step back, calm down, address the real problem, which isn't each other, and then we're okay again.

Love is like anything else, it stops growing when you stop feeding it. Eventually it can shrivel and die and it takes BOTH people feeding it every day. One person can't prop up a relationship and keep it healthy, it has to be both.

vixey
07-03-2009, 03:10 AM
I'm exhausted. :D

I just read through this thread since I posted this morning. I love every post. The porno ones, the idyllic ones, the helpful ones (many!), the encouraging ones, and on and on. I love this discussion.

KTC
07-03-2009, 03:18 AM
We're Scottish. Romance comes in a six-pack.

I don't know why, but I read this as: We're Scottish. Romance comes with a pick axe.

Upon further reading, I realize my error.


Please continue.

KTC
07-03-2009, 03:19 AM
When you find "the" guy and get married, I'll send you a turnip bouquet.

I can just imagine the postage on that bouquet! Those bastids are heavy.

Hettie
07-06-2009, 08:55 PM
I keep popping up into people's posts uninvited with what I think to be important information... here goes...

I spent about 29 years wanting to find the perfect guy... fall in love... get married... have some kids and live happily ever after. I kissed some frogs, heck I kissed toads and lizards too!!!

During those 29 years my mother got married and divorced 5 more times (after the fall of our home kingdom which would make the number 6 -eek)....

I have now been with my husband for 10 years. We are very happy. I could go on and bore you with just how happy we are... but I won't.
I was happy alone before I met my husband. Independent, fun, secure, creative, (insert wonderful adjectives here)... Took me a bit of time to be all those things, but I had to be, I think, to meet the perfect man for me.

The difference between my mother and I is that she was happy in the pursuit and the dream of what might be and I am happy with what I made into a dream. Each time she was unhappy she settled it by calling a lawyer, I tell my hubby that he is being a creep. Each time she built this fantastical image of what her life would be when she was married, she was sadly mistaken of it's reality. I had no preconceived notions of what our life would be like, we just strive to have fun and enjoy our lives together.


Single, married, it is all in how you look at it. The grass can be as green as you want in your own yard... too many people compare their yards to others... get out the mower, turn the sprinkler on and tend to your lawn.

My rant is over VIXEY... good luck. God speed.

Hettie

ps I realize my examples are extremes... I feel I need a disclaimer in hopes not to offend anyone... Your life is what you make it... you are a step closer to happiness!!! You were brave to take it!!!

Button
07-06-2009, 10:37 PM
From original post, I was married for two years. It wasn't a terrible divorce. Well, they are all terrible, but there wasn't the fighting and what not. We simply knew it wasn't going to work out.

The Cajun is twice divorced. The first time it was similar, they realized they were too different. The last time he was married for ten years, and she got pregnant with someone else's baby and pretended it was his until the last month of the pregnancy. He kept to himself for a long time before he started dating again.

It's true, there's this void when the other one isn't there. You've filled your life, your time, your energy and plans into this other person. When he or she isn't there, there's no more direction. It's rather empty.

Time to refill the well with you for a while. Rediscover your own interests and passions. Travel. Discover. Teach.

And along the way, you'll probably find someone better.

Ken Schneider
07-07-2009, 12:10 AM
Yeah....but what about if you'be been married 20 years plus? With 3 nearly grown kids?

Oh....and thanks, everyone, for your comments.

When you are ready you will find someone else. When you're ready.

I can't speak to the single part. Been married 27 years. Bliss and misery.

That menopause thing might just run me out of here.

jennifer75
07-07-2009, 12:32 AM
I think the biggest thing is to be patient with yourself, and get to know you as a single person again. I don't mean to say that you were not fully yourself when you were married, but I think we're all a little different when we're married, simply because of the nature of the beast...little compromises that you might not otherwise make because you're accomodating the space that other person takes up in your life. Now, you have more room to add in things that are just for you.

I think once you get used to it, it will be a really great thing. :Hug2:

Eggsactly.

You don't have to run out and look for a replacement. Live.

vixey
07-08-2009, 02:52 PM
I feel like I need to add now that I'm NOT looking for anyone else at the moment. I'm trying to learn how to live with just ME. ;) And so far, I'm loving me more and more every day.

KTC
07-08-2009, 02:54 PM
I feel like I need to add now that I'm NOT looking for anyone else at the moment. I'm trying to learn how to live with just ME. ;) And so far, I'm loving me more and more every day.

just remember to leave the toilet seat down. you'll thank you in the morning.

vixey
07-08-2009, 02:56 PM
just remember to leave the toilet seat down. you'll thank you in the morning.

I nearly spewed my coffee, Kevin! Thanks for the laugh.

scarletpeaches
07-08-2009, 03:00 PM
I feel like I need to add now that I'm NOT looking for anyone else at the moment. I'm trying to learn how to live with just ME. ;) And so far, I'm loving me more and more every day.

I love me every day too.

KTC
07-08-2009, 03:02 PM
I love me every day too.

What's it like. Being in a fan club. Of one?

Bmwhtly
07-08-2009, 04:25 PM
I feel like I need to add now that I'm NOT looking for anyone else at the moment.Oh.
Then you can delete that e-mail from me. Before you look at the attachments.


I love me every day too.
Careful, that makes you blind.

Hettie
07-08-2009, 07:21 PM
Oh.
Then you can delete that e-mail from me. Before you look at the attachments.


Careful, that makes you blind.

Took me a minute to get that one!!! Hee hee!!! Good thing I wasn't drinking coffee when I finally figured it out(as Vixey was earlier)...

maestrowork
07-08-2009, 07:41 PM
What's it like. Being in a fan club. Of one?

And you'll be among the dead poet society for saying that to the peach.

KTC
07-08-2009, 07:43 PM
And you'll be among the dead poet society for saying that to the peach.

i ain't afraid o' no peach.

maestrowork
07-08-2009, 07:45 PM
peach fuzz, then. Be afraid of her fuzz.

quickWit
07-08-2009, 07:57 PM
Peaches come from a can.

They were put there by a man.

KTC
07-08-2009, 08:00 PM
Peaches come from a can.

They were put there by a man.


does the label on the can assembled by the man say whoop-ass?

quickWit
07-08-2009, 08:06 PM
does the label on the can assembled by the man say whoop-ass?

How should I know? Do I look like I'm in a factory downtown?

scarletpeaches
07-08-2009, 08:18 PM
And you'll be among the dead poet society for saying that to the peach.

Yeah, you tell 'im!


i ain't afraid o' no peach.

Just start sleeping with one eye open. And keep it on your mukluk.


peach fuzz, then. Be afraid of her fuzz.

Brazilian. Actually.

aadams73
07-08-2009, 08:41 PM
peach fuzz, then. Be afraid of her fuzz.

Does it grow up her spine or something? Because they have wax for that.

aadams73
07-08-2009, 08:58 PM
Brazilian. Actually.

I thought you wuz Scottish. :D

CaroGirl
07-08-2009, 09:13 PM
I thought you wuz wax Scottish. :D
Fixed it for you.

vixey
07-17-2009, 03:38 AM
**CORNY ALERT** :D

Just checking back in to say that when life sucks, it's sooooo fun to log on here and play around.

jennontheisland
07-17-2009, 04:28 AM
Yeah, there really are some things about this place that keep me sane.