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danaeayusso
06-29-2009, 04:19 AM
I have completed the first three in a five book series.
YA fantasy with vampires, lycans, warlock and necromancer in the third book.
the first book is 230K and the second is 170K....they are full of action and lots of twists and turns, problem is I think I am wordy so i'd like some feedback. I don't request editing just feedback as to what should be there and shouldn't.

The first two of the series are complete the third I am finishing today so that will be two weeks before i have a finished draft after edits.

Break down of the first book--
Tynan O’Sedna’s father is a vampire from a Noble Irish bloodline, her biological mother was mortal, or so they thought. Tynan’s mother, Antoinette, was actually half mortal half lycan, the vampires more hated enemy. After a presumed failed suicide attempt Tynan runs away and spends the next decade on the road away from her family and the protection of her siblings. When Callum, her eldest brother, finds her she agrees to come home. After a bitter sweet family reunion the nightmares that have plagued her for more than a decade continue to haunt her, this time her family is in them; each of them dying. Nevin, one of her brothers, has the ability to absorb emotions so he tries to help his sister by taking her mental anguish from her, in doing so he took them into himself and comes to the conclusion that she didn’t try to kill herself and that the guilt that has consumed her is unbearable and not hers, something or someone is possessing her mind.
With that particular mystery floating in her mind Tynan reluctantly starts school with her siblings so they can people watch and blend into the human façade better. While at orientation a green eyed stranger introduces himself to her, a first, usually humans stay away from immortals out of subconscious self preservation, she finds him absolutely fascinating but there is something different about him; Knox Carter doesn’t have a scent like Tynan, he moves eloquently like one of her immortal brothers but his skin is warm and soft, when their eyes meet she sees a level of burning devotion in them that confuses her. Something so oddly familiar about him but she doesn’t know what.
Thanks to a typical Oregon coast wind storm Knox gets stuck at her house with her and her family. While watching movies she falls asleep in Knox’s arms and he soon follows. In the morning her parents explain that their hearts were beating as one, their breathing was in sync—two bodies one soul. Knox tells her who he is, her other half. Knox is a hybrid like her (they don’t know she is lycan yet) and that his sister had a vision centuries ago showing her brothers soul being torn in half—half left with him the other placed in another—and that his other half would be sentenced to die before her first breath. Hybrids are not permitted by vampiric society, they are sentenced to die before their first breath.
Knox and his sister Allisa, go to the very people they have been hiding from for the past century and offer them their servitude in exchange for Tynan’s pardon. They reluctantly agreed and spent centuries in the servitude of the council doing horrible, dark deeds. When Devlin came and begged for his daughter’s life the council kept their word, a first, and pardoned the half breed child and released Knox and his sister from their servitude. Knox watched from the shadows protecting Tynan, watching her grow, while learning about her as much as possible. After nearly ninety years he finally shows himself.
Tynan feels that they are meant to be together and is unequivocally in love with him from that first day. Many disastrous events happen including growth spurts of abilities that put her in a state of suspended animation and her lycan half brother finding her and saved her life from her lycan uncle that tried to kill her. Allisa reveals a hidden Prophecy that says that two rival bloodlines would be united through love and their most hated enemy would side with the family in order to over throw the council.
Knox’s father is Tynan’s father’s most hated enemy; the man that condemned him to immorality after killing his human family and nearly all of the Irish on the island. After two new students start at school, one is eerily familiar, Tynan is attacked by a lycan and the familiar boy protects her and it is revealed that he is her biological half brother and king of the lycans and that she is the queen of the lycans. The prophecy is going to be fulfilled.
In all of the hoopla they discover that Tynan has a very unique and deadly ability, she is a mirror. She can reflect those with abilities in both races, even some humans. If the council finds out they will stop at nothing to acquire her, she will be the weapon of mass destruction. The council attacks and Tynan kills an ancient vampire council member, something that hasn’t been done in eons. After a failed assassination attempt by Uncle Sullivan and Knox’s father’s lackeys the story rolls to an end but it is just the beginning of the adventure.

Lisa Cox
06-29-2009, 01:01 PM
That first book needs to be cut in half at least. Not a lot of YA sells with a higher wordcount than 100k.

I think you'll have a better chance of getting a good beta after you've edited the length. Personally speaking, I wouldn't want to beta something that's going to have more than half of it cut away afterwards. Seems like a bit of a waste of time.

Just a friendly FYI. :-)

danaeayusso
06-30-2009, 03:41 AM
TY-- i have a couple helping. Cutting in half isn't an option but it fits into adult lit as well.

Thanks


That first book needs to be cut in half at least. Not a lot of YA sells with a higher wordcount than 100k.

I think you'll have a better chance of getting a good beta after you've edited the length. Personally speaking, I wouldn't want to beta something that's going to have more than half of it cut away afterwards. Seems like a bit of a waste of time.

Just a friendly FYI. :-)

BarbaraSheridan
06-30-2009, 07:34 AM
TY-- i have a couple helping. Cutting in half isn't an option but it fits into adult lit as well.
Thanks

I don't mean to offend but if the "cutting in half isn't an option" belief is something you have with regard to any type of major edits, you're in for a long, rough ride.

caromora
06-30-2009, 12:50 PM
230K is long for adult, too. Here are some link you might want to read through:


http://bookendslitagency.blogspot.com/2007/11/why-i-reject.html
http://bookendslitagency.blogspot.com/2008/05/word-count-rules.html
http://theswivet.blogspot.com/2008/03/on-word-counts-and-novel-length.html
http://theswivet.blogspot.com/2008/04/word-counts-redux-from-horses-mouth.html
http://theswivet.blogspot.com/2008/08/refresher-on-word-counts.html
http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2006/05/too-short.html
http://nathanbransford.blogspot.com/2008/02/novel-word-count.html

There are also a few threads here at AW that discuss the issue. You might want to run a search for them.


Personally speaking, I wouldn't want to beta something that's going to have more than half of it cut away afterwards. Seems like a bit of a waste of time.

Ditto. Plus, I could beta read two or three, possibly four YA novels for other people in the time it would take me to get through such a long book!

Lisa Cox
06-30-2009, 01:30 PM
Just in case there's some confusion -- I don't literally mean cutting it in half. I'm not suggesting you cut it off mid-story. What I mean is you need to tell your story in, if you can, 100k or less. You need to remove more than half of the story, while still keeping the beginning, middle and end, and keeping a cohesive plot running through.

You're going to have a hell of a time trying to sell a 230k YA. It's practically unheard of.