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View Full Version : Things Your Parents Did, and You Hated; Now You Do Them? How'd That Happen!



Marcus
06-19-2009, 05:14 AM
So I started noticing after becoming a parent that I really have issues.

Not to get into the whole mother/son dynamical/dysfunctional explanation, but prior to having to deal with kids as a father figure, a lot of the things I just didn't notice. After I started to have to explain stuff and teach logic, It's practically a daily occurrence I would have flashbacks of childhood that I had Long suppressed and realize that I really didn't have a good realationship with my mother growing up. My mother had health issues and was in a lot of pain after she had my sister for close to ten years before the doctors finally realized somthing Actually Was Wrong.... :rant: Those years are the years I grew up from 5to15. She was short and mean, and full of threats.

Now I'm trying to be the best step-dad I can be and the kids are the best kids I think I've ever met at their respective ages, But they are still kids and they do things Kids do. I had to teach myself patience with a quickness, and more than once I've had an internal reaction to something they will do that I have to put the breaks on before it comes out. Then I try to figure out where that just came from and remember doing something similar as a kid and getting smacked in the face by my mom... The really sad thing is that after she had her hysterectomy, Over night she was a different person. I know she feels bad about the past, but I do my best to not hold it against her.

On a more uplifting note, I eat food just like my dad. Exactly like my dad. When my wife observed this she was shocked how similar it was. I didn't realize it till she pointed it out too. Cup in the same position relative to the plate. Food arranged on the plate in the same configuration.

I also picked up my Dad's apparent inability to make a simple statement without going all the way around the world to get to the conclusion. Sometimes less words are worth more to get a point across. Thats something i'm working on too.

Anyway, I'm sure there are dozens of other things, but I guess I just wanted to post about how much it sucks when you grow up and realize your actually damaged goods because of a parent that had issues too.... its sad... :e2cry:
But it defiantly gives me purpose to be as stable and level headed as possible for my kids. :) guess that's something good...

Silver King
06-19-2009, 05:55 AM
My folks, especially my mom, were big on spanking their kids. Nothing overly abusive but painful nonetheless. She also used to pull my hair, yanking it so hard that I could hear it tearing from my scalp. Man, I hated when she did that.

When I had my own children, I didn't make a conscious effort (that I can remember) not to spank them, but I never did. Not once, no matter how tempting it might have seemed at the time. I remember how low I used to feel as a kid after a spanking, and I was convinced my folks didn't love me. Of course they did, but I didn't know any better at the time.

I guess I never wanted my children to feel that low in their young lives, to think that I didn't love them because I hurt them deliberately.

It's a complicated issue, where physical discipline seems to work for some families. And that's fine, but it never seemed to work for me while growing up, and I wasn't about to test whether it would work on my own kids. I'm glad now, proud even, that I never raised a hand to my children. Oh, I'd threaten them with the worst case of whoop ass they could ever imagine, but I never followed through, and eventually they knew I was just full of hot air.

Thankfully, they turned out all right. Some of them have their own kids now, and hopefully they'll also find other means of discipline that doesn't include physical pain.

spamwarrior
06-19-2009, 06:33 AM
I don't finish my sentences.

My dad never finishes his sentences, and it drives me nuts.

Now I find myself doing the same.

JoNightshade
06-19-2009, 06:56 AM
Marcus - You're not "damaged goods!" Everyone has negative behaviors they "inherited" from their parents. The most important element to overcoming your past is to recognize your parents' negative behaviors and to be aware of them. Already it looks like you are conscious enough of that to stop yourself. So good job! :)

Equally important is just loving the kids and wanting the best for them, which it sounds like you do! Good on you for being willing to parent kids that aren't your own - rather than seeing them as an annoyance or imposition.

My dad came from a really abusive family (both physical and mental). He was really conscious of what he did NOT want to be, and he was an awesome dad. I won't say he was perfect, because he definitely wasn't, and I am sure some of the hurtful things he did/said were holdovers from how he was treated as a child. But that's okay. He did his best, and most of all, he loved me. I always knew that.

I've had to do something similar, not in terms of parenting (although that's coming up soon), but with my marriage. Since I got married I've come face to face with a lot of not so great behaviors I inherited from my parents. I've had to recognize that and work to change. It's been really difficult, but now that I've been married 3.5 years, it actually feels good! I feel like I've become a better, stronger person. I think you will find the same thing happens to you, if you give it a little time. Just give yourself a break. You're human. ;)