"My boyfriend...."

James81 · Jun 15, 2009

Guys, girls....how do you handle this?

In the course of normal conversation a girl says "Ha ha, I know my boyfriend...blah blah blah...." Nothing purposeful about letting you know that, she's just making conversation. But it tips you off that, "Ok, buddy, she has a boyfriend....back off."

On the other hand, though, you realize that not every girl who has a boyfriend is serious about that boyfriend and that you COULD date her if she realized she wasn't all that serious about him. But you don't want to be a sleeze-bag either, or the guy who tries to break them up. But you won't be the guy who she cheats on him with either.

See the conundrum? Is this one of this things that you forget about and move on with? Or is there a non-sleezy way to handle it without ending up being JUST her friend forever and ever, even if she's single?

Your thoughts?

James81 · Jun 15, 2009

I ask because there's a girl in my office (who is a summer temp) who I just met (and was interested in) and this sort of conversation just happened.

I'd love to ask her out, but she has the ole BF. I'm not a sleeze (believe or not lol) so I'm not the kind of guy who is out to break up a couple.

quickWit · Jun 15, 2009

I'd backoff, but I'm old ~~fashioned~~.

Wayne K · Jun 15, 2009

Women mention the boyfriend if they're not interested or actually have a boyfriend. It's not something they say to score men. Sorry dude.

Fokker Aeroplanbau · Jun 15, 2009

I usually say, "oh really! My boyfriend blah blah!"

Then, "er... wait, I mean..."

It's funny, if you're a guy and you can pull it off right. Great icebreaker and yes... If you want her, and she's "just dating around" and it doesn't seem serious. Go for it. It's complicated to me, but I notice that if it isn't serious; that's how women find a serious guy.

Of course, it could be serious and then you're fucked but you won't know till you try.

jennifer75 · Jun 15, 2009

James81 said:
I ask because there's a girl in my office (who is a summer temp) who I just met (and was interested in) and this sort of conversation just happened.

I'd love to ask her out, but she has the ole BF. I'm not a sleeze (believe or not lol) so I'm not the kind of guy who is out to break up a couple.

If you were that girls "BF", how'd you feel about a guy asking this question? You'd probably wanna kick his arse. Right? ...Or hers.

Leave it alone. Unless she lands in your lap. Then she's askin for it.

scarletpeaches · Jun 15, 2009

Fokker Aeroplanbau said:
I usually say, "oh really! My boyfriend blah blah!"

Then, "er... wait, I mean..."

It's funny, if you're a guy and you can pull it off right. Great icebreaker and yes... If you want her, and she's "just dating around" and it doesn't seem serious. Go for it. It's complicated to me, but I notice that if it isn't serious; that's how women find a serious guy.

Of course, it could be serious and then you're fucked but you won't know till you try.

If she was just 'dating around' she would have said 'friend' not 'boyfriend'.

I mean, Christ, how many back-off signals do women need to give before men get the message?

Pretty funny way of making yourself seem available, if you ask me, by advertising your commitment to another man.

Kris · Jun 15, 2009

I know this kind of shy but good-looking-ish guy, let's call him Joe, who met a girl, we'll call her ... Beth.

So the first time Joe meets Beth, not only does she have a boyfriend, she is with her boyfriend at the time. They all chat for a bit. The next time he see Beth, Joe goes up to her, says hi, and kisses her on the mouth. She dumped the boyfriend, got with Joe, and they've been together ever since.

I can't say I'd really advocate doing that, since it's pretty risky, but it's sort of an inspiring story. Said behavior was very out of character for Joe.

Kris · Jun 15, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
If she was just 'dating around' she would have said 'friend' not 'boyfriend'.

I mean, Christ, how many back-off signals do women need to give before men get the message?

Pretty funny way of making yourself seem available, if you ask me, by advertising your commitment to another man.

Oh, I disagree. She could be seconds away from dumping the boyfriend, but feels like she has to mention the boyfriend since at that moment, his existence is technically relevant. I think it all depends on the vibe James81 gets from said girl.

scarletpeaches · Jun 15, 2009

If she was seconds away from dumping him, she'd be dumping him. Or else refer to him as 'the ex'.

A woman who's about to finish with someone is mentally out of the relationship and wouldn't want to give anyone the impression she's with someone. Telling James she has a boyfriend gives the impression...she's with someone.

quickWit · Jun 15, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
I mean, Christ, how many back-off signals do women need to give before men get the message?

23, including pepperspray.

BTW...are you coming on to me?

aadams73 · Jun 15, 2009

If I mention a boyfriend I'm making it clear that I'm unavailable. It's our "nice" way of letting you know it ain't gonna happen.

Like when guys say, "I'll call you."

Jersey Chick · Jun 15, 2009

Um, I never said boyfriend, unless it was a serious or almost-serious relationship. Until then, it was "the guy I've been seeing," or "the guy I'm seeing."

No girl I know uses the word "boyfriend", unless the relationship is still pretty strong. We don't use it to get guys, just to get rid of them (you know, the non-existent boyfriend, who's usually a Marine or Ultimate Fighter - used to get rid of guys who don't take the hint that you want to be left alone.)

Bubastes · Jun 15, 2009

What aadams73 said.

ETA: And what Jersey Chick said.

Another ETA: And what SP said! Gah, need more coffee.

scarletpeaches · Jun 15, 2009

What about what I said?

Adam · Jun 15, 2009

I'd back off. Seems a pretty clear signal to me.

Deleted member 42 · Jun 15, 2009

scarletpeaches said:

If she was just 'dating around' she would have said 'friend' not 'boyfriend'.

I mean, Christ, how many back-off signals do women need to give before men get the message?

Pretty funny way of making yourself seem available, if you ask me, by advertising your commitment to another man.

Click to expand...

QFT

Don't make me use the blink-tag

NeuroFizz · Jun 15, 2009

Tossing the boyfriend card is way easier than thinking up a fake phone number...

Kris · Jun 15, 2009

Well, I used to call the guy my boyfriend until after we broke up, and I'd call any schmo I happened to be half-seriously dating my boyfriend. And I've definitely mentioned boyfriends to people who then continued hitting on me. I think it's a yellow light, not a red light.

Lyra Jean · Jun 15, 2009

I totally agree with ScarletPeaches. I tell men that I have a boyfriend as a way nice way to say I'm not interested. In fact, the first phrase I learned in Spanish was No gracias yo tengo novio. (No thank you, I have a boyfriend.)

I tell men I had a boyfriend if I wasn't interested whether or not I actually had one. It was the easiest and nicest way to tell someone I wasn't interested. A chick telling a guy she has a boyfriend is not an "I'm available" sign unless she says I have a boyfriend but we're in an open relationship or something like that.

Kris · Jun 15, 2009

But anybody who's any good that you're gonna meet is going to be seeing somebody when you meet them! You can't just give up because someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend.

melaniehoo · Jun 15, 2009

I agree with everyone else. You don't bring up a boyfriend (existent or not) unless you want to make it clear you're not available/not interested. If it's a situation where she's dating someone but thinking it's not going to work out, she wouldn't mention it.

Sorry.

scarletpeaches · Jun 15, 2009

I sincerely hope you're kidding and I'm just missing your sense of humour, here.

Lara said:
But anybody who's any good that you're gonna meet is going to be seeing somebody when you meet them!

I'm single. Does that mean any man who meets me is going to think I'm 'not good' because no-one else got there first?

Lara said:
You can't just give up because someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Not if you want a restraining order or at the very least a smack in the face, no.

Only a boor would press on after being given such a clear signal.

If someone has an S/O - back the fuck off.

If you hook up with someone who had a partner when you met them - guess what? They'll cheat on you too.

aadams73 · Jun 15, 2009

Lara said:
But anybody who's any good that you're gonna meet is going to be seeing somebody when you meet them! You can't just give up because someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Whoa now, I disagree with both those statements. Some of us aren't so needy that we have to be with someone all the time. That doesn't mean we're not "good."

And some of my best boyfriends have been alone when we've met because they're not so needy that they have to be with someone all the time either. It's called being happy with yourself. And that's sexy!

spamwarrior · Jun 15, 2009

I would personally back off... but of course you have to find out somehow whether she's serious about it or not. If she's the kind of girl who dates random guys (ok, that sounds weird) often, then it might be ok for you. But if she's the kind who's goes steady with a guy for a couple of years, then... sorry.

"My boyfriend...."

"I have a boyfriend" *REALLY* means:

Maybe we can all double-date, when you work up the nerve to hit on my office-mate

Don't make me get my pepper-spray and taser out of the desk, it's always so awkward, then

I'm straight, y'know -- and SO not a hairy-legged loser

Forewarned is forearmed. Or something like that...

I want you RIGHT NOW, you big Stud!!

Eggplant Bloom

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like motherf&cking Tolstoy

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Deleted member 42

The grad students did it

like motherf&cking Tolstoy

Two years old now.

like motherf&cking Tolstoy

And thus we begin the edits

A Work in Progress

rewriting.

"I have a boyfriend" REALLY means: