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James81
06-15-2009, 07:48 PM
Guys, girls....how do you handle this?

In the course of normal conversation a girl says "Ha ha, I know my boyfriend...blah blah blah...." Nothing purposeful about letting you know that, she's just making conversation. But it tips you off that, "Ok, buddy, she has a boyfriend....back off."

On the other hand, though, you realize that not every girl who has a boyfriend is serious about that boyfriend and that you COULD date her if she realized she wasn't all that serious about him. But you don't want to be a sleeze-bag either, or the guy who tries to break them up. But you won't be the guy who she cheats on him with either.

See the conundrum? Is this one of this things that you forget about and move on with? Or is there a non-sleezy way to handle it without ending up being JUST her friend forever and ever, even if she's single?

Your thoughts? :D

James81
06-15-2009, 07:50 PM
I ask because there's a girl in my office (who is a summer temp) who I just met (and was interested in) and this sort of conversation just happened.

I'd love to ask her out, but she has the ole BF. I'm not a sleeze (believe or not lol) so I'm not the kind of guy who is out to break up a couple.

quickWit
06-15-2009, 07:55 PM
I'd backoff, but I'm old fashioned. :)

Wayne K
06-15-2009, 07:55 PM
Women mention the boyfriend if they're not interested or actually have a boyfriend. It's not something they say to score men. Sorry dude.

Fokker Aeroplanbau
06-15-2009, 08:04 PM
I usually say, "oh really! My boyfriend blah blah!"

Then, "er... wait, I mean..."

It's funny, if you're a guy and you can pull it off right. Great icebreaker and yes... If you want her, and she's "just dating around" and it doesn't seem serious. Go for it. It's complicated to me, but I notice that if it isn't serious; that's how women find a serious guy.

Of course, it could be serious and then you're fucked but you won't know till you try. :)

jennifer75
06-15-2009, 08:06 PM
I ask because there's a girl in my office (who is a summer temp) who I just met (and was interested in) and this sort of conversation just happened.

I'd love to ask her out, but she has the ole BF. I'm not a sleeze (believe or not lol) so I'm not the kind of guy who is out to break up a couple.

If you were that girls "BF", how'd you feel about a guy asking this question? You'd probably wanna kick his arse. Right? ...Or hers.

Leave it alone. Unless she lands in your lap. Then she's askin for it. ;)

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 08:08 PM
I usually say, "oh really! My boyfriend blah blah!"

Then, "er... wait, I mean..."

It's funny, if you're a guy and you can pull it off right. Great icebreaker and yes... If you want her, and she's "just dating around" and it doesn't seem serious. Go for it. It's complicated to me, but I notice that if it isn't serious; that's how women find a serious guy.

Of course, it could be serious and then you're fucked but you won't know till you try. :)

If she was just 'dating around' she would have said 'friend' not 'boyfriend'.

I mean, Christ, how many back-off signals do women need to give before men get the message?

Pretty funny way of making yourself seem available, if you ask me, by advertising your commitment to another man.

Kris
06-15-2009, 08:10 PM
I know this kind of shy but good-looking-ish guy, let's call him Joe, who met a girl, we'll call her ... Beth.

So the first time Joe meets Beth, not only does she have a boyfriend, she is with her boyfriend at the time. They all chat for a bit. The next time he see Beth, Joe goes up to her, says hi, and kisses her on the mouth. She dumped the boyfriend, got with Joe, and they've been together ever since.

I can't say I'd really advocate doing that, since it's pretty risky, but it's sort of an inspiring story. Said behavior was very out of character for Joe.

Kris
06-15-2009, 08:12 PM
If she was just 'dating around' she would have said 'friend' not 'boyfriend'.

I mean, Christ, how many back-off signals do women need to give before men get the message?

Pretty funny way of making yourself seem available, if you ask me, by advertising your commitment to another man.

Oh, I disagree. She could be seconds away from dumping the boyfriend, but feels like she has to mention the boyfriend since at that moment, his existence is technically relevant. I think it all depends on the vibe James81 gets from said girl.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 08:13 PM
If she was seconds away from dumping him, she'd be dumping him. Or else refer to him as 'the ex'.

A woman who's about to finish with someone is mentally out of the relationship and wouldn't want to give anyone the impression she's with someone. Telling James she has a boyfriend gives the impression...she's with someone.

quickWit
06-15-2009, 08:14 PM
I mean, Christ, how many back-off signals do women need to give before men get the message?

23, including pepperspray.

BTW...are you coming on to me?

aadams73
06-15-2009, 08:17 PM
If I mention a boyfriend I'm making it clear that I'm unavailable. It's our "nice" way of letting you know it ain't gonna happen.

Like when guys say, "I'll call you."

Jersey Chick
06-15-2009, 08:18 PM
Um, I never said boyfriend, unless it was a serious or almost-serious relationship. Until then, it was "the guy I've been seeing," or "the guy I'm seeing."

No girl I know uses the word "boyfriend", unless the relationship is still pretty strong. We don't use it to get guys, just to get rid of them (you know, the non-existent boyfriend, who's usually a Marine or Ultimate Fighter - used to get rid of guys who don't take the hint that you want to be left alone.)

:D

Bubastes
06-15-2009, 08:19 PM
What aadams73 said.

ETA: And what Jersey Chick said.

Another ETA: And what SP said! Gah, need more coffee.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 08:20 PM
What about what I said? :(

Adam
06-15-2009, 08:21 PM
I'd back off. Seems a pretty clear signal to me. ;)

Medievalist
06-15-2009, 08:23 PM
If she was just 'dating around' she would have said 'friend' not 'boyfriend'.

I mean, Christ, how many back-off signals do women need to give before men get the message?

Pretty funny way of making yourself seem available, if you ask me, by advertising your commitment to another man.



QFT

Don't make me use the blink-tag

NeuroFizz
06-15-2009, 08:23 PM
Tossing the boyfriend card is way easier than thinking up a fake phone number...

Kris
06-15-2009, 08:24 PM
Well, I used to call the guy my boyfriend until after we broke up, and I'd call any schmo I happened to be half-seriously dating my boyfriend. And I've definitely mentioned boyfriends to people who then continued hitting on me. I think it's a yellow light, not a red light.

Lyra Jean
06-15-2009, 08:31 PM
I totally agree with ScarletPeaches. I tell men that I have a boyfriend as a way nice way to say I'm not interested. In fact, the first phrase I learned in Spanish was No gracias yo tengo novio. (No thank you, I have a boyfriend.)

I tell men I had a boyfriend if I wasn't interested whether or not I actually had one. It was the easiest and nicest way to tell someone I wasn't interested. A chick telling a guy she has a boyfriend is not an "I'm available" sign unless she says I have a boyfriend but we're in an open relationship or something like that.

Kris
06-15-2009, 08:33 PM
But anybody who's any good that you're gonna meet is going to be seeing somebody when you meet them! You can't just give up because someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend.

melaniehoo
06-15-2009, 08:35 PM
I agree with everyone else. You don't bring up a boyfriend (existent or not) unless you want to make it clear you're not available/not interested. If it's a situation where she's dating someone but thinking it's not going to work out, she wouldn't mention it.

Sorry. :(

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 08:36 PM
I sincerely hope you're kidding and I'm just missing your sense of humour, here.


But anybody who's any good that you're gonna meet is going to be seeing somebody when you meet them!

I'm single. Does that mean any man who meets me is going to think I'm 'not good' because no-one else got there first?


You can't just give up because someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Not if you want a restraining order or at the very least a smack in the face, no.

Only a boor would press on after being given such a clear signal.

If someone has an S/O - back the fuck off.

If you hook up with someone who had a partner when you met them - guess what? They'll cheat on you too.

aadams73
06-15-2009, 08:37 PM
But anybody who's any good that you're gonna meet is going to be seeing somebody when you meet them! You can't just give up because someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Whoa now, I disagree with both those statements. Some of us aren't so needy that we have to be with someone all the time. That doesn't mean we're not "good."

And some of my best boyfriends have been alone when we've met because they're not so needy that they have to be with someone all the time either. It's called being happy with yourself. And that's sexy!

spamwarrior
06-15-2009, 08:37 PM
I would personally back off... but of course you have to find out somehow whether she's serious about it or not. If she's the kind of girl who dates random guys (ok, that sounds weird) often, then it might be ok for you. But if she's the kind who's goes steady with a guy for a couple of years, then... sorry.

MacAllister
06-15-2009, 08:37 PM
But anybody who's any good that you're gonna meet is going to be seeing somebody when you meet them! You can't just give up because someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Good god. I hope you're kidding. That's so completely disrespectful of someone else's boundaries, choices, and relationships that I'm flabbergasted. So, if the good ones are married, it's okay to set about breaking that marriage up, too, then? It's okay to ignore when someone clearly expresses that she's off-limits, because it's inconvenient?

So people (especially women) don't actually have a right to say "no" however gently, and have that be respected? When does he have to give up, then? The pepper spray? The restraining order?

Geez, if we're going to behave as if women are simpering indecisive fools who don't know their own minds and can't even be trusted to provide accurate and simple information regarding their relationship status, then why on earth would we let them vote?

And how the hell do we teach people that "no means no" if we keep insisting that, once in a while, it might sorta mean "well, maybe" -- or even worse, that it doesn't matter if she said no.

Bubastes
06-15-2009, 08:38 PM
But anybody who's any good that you're gonna meet is going to be seeing somebody when you meet them! You can't just give up because someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend.

I strongly disagree. In fact, the guys I've liked have not been serial daters. I tend to distrust guys who always have to have a girl around. I myself have gone for years without a date, and I'd like to think I'm quite the catch. ;) Mr. Bub thinks so, at least.

And yes, I would stop pursuing if they had a girlfriend. If they really want to be with me instead, they have to take a chance and not treat me (or the other person) like a Plan B. It's about respecting other people's relationships.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 08:39 PM
I strongly disagree. In fact, the guys I've liked have not been serial daters. I tend to distrust guys who always have to have a girl around. I myself have gone for years without a date, and I'd like to think I'm quite the catch. ;) Mr. Bub thinks so, at least.

And yes, I would stop pursuing if they had a girlfriend. If they really want to be with me instead, they have to take a chance and not treat me (or the other person) like a Plan B. It's about respecting other people's relationships.

Word.

Don't make someone a priority if they make you an option.

Thump
06-15-2009, 08:42 PM
I'd ask anyway actually. But polite and making it clear that rejection will not make things awkward. You never know. The trick is to take rejection well maybe with a smile and a "fair enough, can't blame a guy for hopin'" sort of thing.

Kris
06-15-2009, 08:43 PM
Good god. I hope you're kidding. That's so completely disrespectful of someone else's boundaries, choices, and relationships that I'm flabbergasted. So, if the good ones are married, it's okay to set about breaking that marriage up, too, then? It's okay to ignore when someone clearly expresses that she's off-limits, because it's inconvenient?

So people (especially women) don't actually have a right to say "no" however gently, and have that be respected? When does he have to give up, then? The pepper spray? The restraining order?

Geez, if we're going to behave as if women are simpering indecisive fools who don't know their own minds and can't even be trusted to provide accurate and simple information regarding their relationship status, then why on earth would we let them vote?

I never said she couldn't be trusted to provide accurate information about her relationship status, nor that she was simpering or a fool. None of this stuff about women not deserving the right to vote is an accurate extrapolation of my point of view either. The only point I'm trying to make is that mentioning a boyfriend might NOT be a subtle "back off" signal at all.

If I were the girl in question and wanted the guy to back off, for example, I might simply tell him to back off.

melaniehoo
06-15-2009, 08:44 PM
When I met my now-husband he was dating someone else. I liked him, but I never pushed it past friendship because he had a girlfriend. I watched them get married, move to another state, and split up, and only THEN did I tell him I was interested. That took four years. Now we've been married for three.

So, it IS possible to end up with someone who's in a relationship when you meet, but I DO NOT advocate breaking up a couple to do that. As someone else said, if they cheat to be with you, they'll cheat again.

And it's not like I sat around twiddling my thumbs waiting for him (even though we joke that I did). I had other serious relationships in the meantime and things just worked out for us.

Kris
06-15-2009, 08:45 PM
I'd ask anyway actually. But polite and making it clear that rejection will not make things awkward. You never know. The trick is to take rejection well maybe with a smile and a "fair enough, can't blame a guy for hopin'" sort of thing.

This is the approach I support and endorse :)

Kris
06-15-2009, 08:46 PM
And how the hell do we teach people that "no means no" if we keep insisting that, once in a while, it might sorta mean "well, maybe" -- or even worse, that it doesn't matter if she said no.

But she didn't say no. She casually mentioned her boyfriend. That just means she has a boyfriend. For now. :)

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 08:47 PM
I never said she couldn't be trusted to provide accurate information about her relationship status, nor that she was simpering or a fool. None of this stuff about women not deserving the right to vote is an accurate extrapolation of my point of view either. The only point I'm trying to make is that mentioning a boyfriend might NOT be a subtle "back off" signal at all.

If I were the girl in question and wanted the guy to back off, for example, I might simply tell him to back off.

Saying all the good ones are taken and that we shouldn't give up if someone is in a relationship does not respect the boundaries of other people's relationships.

Mentioning a boyfriend is a back-off signal to anyone with an iota of sense. But, if you don't mind guys not taking no for an answer and pushing even when you back off, fine.

But for every woman who says 'no sometimes means yes', there's another woman made to feel uncomfortable by a guy saying, "Hey, not every woman saying 'back off' means it..."

Medievalist
06-15-2009, 08:47 PM
"boyfriend" = seriously dating

"one of my friends/a guy I'm dating/one of the guys I'm dating" = not exclusive.

Honestly, if I'm referring to an SO at work to someone, it means I'm telling them I'm not available, and that might be the main reason for referring to an SO--it means back off, you're weirding me out.

Jersey Chick
06-15-2009, 08:47 PM
But anybody who's any good that you're gonna meet is going to be seeing somebody when you meet them! You can't just give up because someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Um... neither my husband nor I were in relationships when we met. Which is probably why he's my husband now.

Yes, you back off if someone has a boy/girl friend - otherwise you are either going to get your ass handed to you or a TRO taken out against you.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 08:48 PM
This is the approach I support and endorse :)

You endorse chatting up people who are in relationships?

Wow.

Just...wow.


But she didn't say no. She casually mentioned her boyfriend. That just means she has a boyfriend. For now. :)

No, it means she has a boyfriend.

People with boyfriends are not available.

I mean...FFS...wouldn't it be easier to find someone who's single?

Kris
06-15-2009, 08:53 PM
Saying all the good ones are taken and that we shouldn't give up if someone is in a relationship does not respect the boundaries of other people's relationships.

Mentioning a boyfriend is a back-off signal to anyone with an iota of sense. But, if you don't mind guys not taking no for an answer and pushing even when you back off, fine.

But for every woman who says 'no sometimes means yes', there's another woman made to feel uncomfortable by a guy saying, "Hey, not every woman saying 'back off' means it..."

But all I'm saying is that the woman should have the strength to SEND a clear signal. She can just tell him to back off if she wants him to back off! Of course no means no.

Maybe you all know James81 better than I do, or something, and can assume that he's being a jerk and making some sort of hard-edged play for this woman. To me it sounds like he's just kind of gauging whether there might be some interest there.

Kris
06-15-2009, 08:55 PM
Honestly, if I'm referring to an SO at work to someone, it means I'm telling them I'm not available, and that might be the main reason for referring to an SO--it means back off, you're weirding me out.

See, this is where I differ from the rest of the women on this thread, I guess. If I wanted a guy to back off, I'd just tell them to back off, if or when they made it clear that they were overly interested. I never bothered with cute little coded messages.

Jersey Chick
06-15-2009, 08:56 PM
There's nothing coded about "I have a boyfriend."

It usually means, "I have a boyfriend."

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 08:57 PM
But all I'm saying is that the woman should have the strength to SEND a clear signal. She can just tell him to back off if she wants him to back off! Of course no means no.

Maybe you all know James81 better than I do, or something, and can assume that he's being a jerk and making some sort of hard-edged play for this woman. To me it sounds like he's just kind of gauging whether there might be some interest there.

*sigh*

I can see I'm going to have to get my red crayon out.

MENTIONING A SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS A CLEAR BACK-OFF SIGNAL.

What's the alternative?

"Hi, how's it going? Hey, have you seen that new Brad Pitt movie?"
"Back the fuck off, asshole!" *TASER*

Please.

"Hi, how's it going? Hey, have you seen that new Brad Pitt movie?"
"Not yet."
"Maybe we could-?"
"Me and my boyfriend are going to see it this weekend."

Bubastes
06-15-2009, 08:58 PM
There's nothing coded about "I have a boyfriend."

It usually means, "I have a boyfriend."

And when it doesn't mean "I have a boyfriend," it means "I'm not interested."

Either way, the message is, "NO, THANKS."

Seaclusion
06-15-2009, 08:58 PM
I ask because there's a girl in my office (who is a summer temp) who I just met (and was interested in) and this sort of conversation just happened.

I'd love to ask her out, but she has the ole BF. I'm not a sleeze (believe or not lol) so I'm not the kind of guy who is out to break up a couple.


Wait a few days and then ask her out. She might not be seeing him then and if she still is and doesn't want to go out with you hopefully she'll give you a real 'no' instead of some subtle hint that doesn't really mean yes or no.

Richard (who once again opens himself up to the wrath of the office party)

aadams73
06-15-2009, 08:59 PM
There's nothing coded about "I have a boyfriend."

It usually means, "I have a boyfriend."

QFT!!

If I'm single and I'm not interested I'm upfront about that too.

It's just polite, if you will, to not push if the other person is obviously taken.

And if you're the type of women who's going to hit on my guy when he says "I have a girlfriend", you better perfect the art of covering a black eye. :D

melaniehoo
06-15-2009, 09:00 PM
But all I'm saying is that the woman should have the strength to SEND a clear signal. She can just tell him to back off if she wants him to back off! Of course no means no.

The trouble with that is they are co-workers. By her casually mentioning a boyfriend she's avoided any future weirdness. If she used the words "back off" the unspoken attraction is now out in the open and will make things very uncomfortable for them, even though they have to continue working together.

Not everyone has the courage/nerve/whatever to shoot guys down left and right. The boyfriend line (whether it's true or not) allows both sides to avoid a confrontation and salvage whatever friendship might be there.

Kris
06-15-2009, 09:01 PM
*sigh*

I can see I'm going to have to get my red crayon out.

MENTIONING A SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS A CLEAR BACK-OFF SIGNAL

What's the alternative?

"Hi, how's it going? Hey, have you seen that new Brad Pitt movie?"
"Back the fuck off, asshole!" *TASER*

Please.

"Hi, how's it going? Hey, have you seen that new Brad Pitt movie?"
"Not yet."
"Maybe we could-?"
"Me and my boyfriend are going to see it this weekend."

See this kind of sounds like no TALKING to people who are in relationships. Which I think should be allowed. :)

It's clear this is really upsetting people, which wasn't my intention at all, I promise. It's just that I've been in the position of having a boyfriend, where things weren't working out, and maybe I tried breaking it off and he wanted to give it one more chance, or for some other reason things dragged on longer than they really should have. I guess my breakups and get-togethers have been a little more gray-area than some of y'alls. I wasn't intending to offend any of you at all.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 09:02 PM
Telling someone to back off when all they've done is paid you the compliment of expressing an attraction is rude.

Assuming that "I have a boyfriend," is too subtle is just...stupid.

Kris
06-15-2009, 09:03 PM
The trouble with that is they are co-workers. By her casually mentioning a boyfriend she's avoided any future weirdness. If she used the words "back off" the unspoken attraction is now out in the open and will make things very uncomfortable for them, even though they have to continue working together.

Not everyone has the courage/nerve/whatever to shoot guys down left and right. The boyfriend line (whether it's true or not) allows both sides to avoid a confrontation and salvage whatever friendship might be there.

Yes, yes, all true, I totally agree. Honestly, my only point was that the possibility exists that it's not a back-off signal.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 09:04 PM
See this kind of sounds like no TALKING to people who are in relationships. Which I think should be allowed. :)

Nowhere did I say not to talk to people who are in relationships.

You can talk to someone without asking them out.


It's clear this is really upsetting people, which wasn't my intention at all, I promise. It's just that I've been in the position of having a boyfriend, where things weren't working out, and maybe I tried breaking it off and he wanted to give it one more chance, or for some other reason things dragged on longer than they really should have. I guess my breakups and get-togethers have been a little more gray-area than some of y'alls. I wasn't intending to offend any of you at all.

Well that was your responsibility.

If it wasn't working out and you wanted to leave, you should have left. But you can't assume that someone who has a S/O might want to break up with their current lover.

Usually when people want to break up with their lover...they break up with them.

Medievalist
06-15-2009, 09:04 PM
Not everyone has the courage/nerve/whatever to shoot guys down left and right. The boyfriend line (whether it's true or not) allows both sides to avoid a confrontation and salvage whatever friendship might be there.

Women shouldn't have to, is the thing. Courtly love (which is ahistorical bull shit, but whatever) essentially has created an environment where women have the right to say yes.

That is, women, mostly, get to choose the guy they say yes to. This means, culturally, in terms of dating behaviors and social assumptions, that women, even after they've said yes to one guy, are frequently perceived as "fair game" (notice the prey metaphor? It's not an accident).

This extends to guys who, if a woman says "no" goes to "Why not ? Are you a dyke/lezzie/queer" -- or who turn into stalkers.

You shouldn't have to say "back off," if you've indicated that you're already in a relationship or otherwise not interested.

Seaclusion
06-15-2009, 09:04 PM
Telling someone to back off when all they've done is paid you the compliment of expressing an attraction is rude.

Assuming that "I have a boyfriend," is too subtle is just...stupid.


James81 said he has not even expressed an attraction. He would like to express an attraction.

quickWit
06-15-2009, 09:05 PM
*dons policeman's uniform, stands at Ms. Boyfriend's desk*

Move along, James. Nothing to see here...

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 09:05 PM
James81 said he has not even expressed an attraction. He would like to express an attraction.

I'd lay money on this woman having more insight than James81 - she picked up on the attraction and laid it to rest before he even mentioned it.

Button
06-15-2009, 09:06 PM
Would you want to date a girl who'd whimsically date someone else if she got lured away by another guy?
You can wait on her to be single again, but I'd advise moving on.

jennifer75
06-15-2009, 09:07 PM
If she was seconds away from dumping him, she'd be dumping him. Or else refer to him as 'the ex'.

A woman who's about to finish with someone is mentally out of the relationship and wouldn't want to give anyone the impression she's with someone. Telling James she has a boyfriend gives the impression...she's with someone.

EXACTAMUNDO.

Kris
06-15-2009, 09:08 PM
Telling someone to back off when all they've done is paid you the compliment of expressing an attraction is rude.

Assuming that "I have a boyfriend," is too subtle is just...stupid.

Of COURSE I would never tell someone who just expressed an attraction to back off in a rude way. Guys, come on. My response would fit the situation.

I've negotiated life quite adequately with these grey areas fully acknowledged. It's interesting that everyone else's experience has been so black and white. Mine just hasn't been like that, that's all. I've had crushes on many people who had boyfriends or girlfriends, and been flirted with many times when I had a boyfriend, and joked around "Oh, if I was single, you better watch out..." bla bla bla.

Medievalist
06-15-2009, 09:09 PM
I'd lay money on this woman having more insight than James81 - she picked up on the attraction and laid it to rest before he even mentioned it.

Exactly. For a temp at an office in a workplace to refer to "my boyfriend" -- that's a polite keep away signal.

Seaclusion
06-15-2009, 09:14 PM
Exactly. For a temp at an office in a workplace to refer to "my boyfriend" -- that's a polite keep away signal.


I'm going to respectively disagree that a casual reference to her boyfriend when not asked out/propositioned or any reference made to a come-on is a polite 'keep away' signal.

It is just conversation. If made after a proposal or come-on, then yes a polite back-off.

Richard

aadams73
06-15-2009, 09:17 PM
I'm going to respectively disagree that a casual reference to her boyfriend when not asked out/propositioned or any reference made to a come-on is a polite 'keep away' signal.


So what does it mean in guy-speak when a guy mentions he has a girlfriend?

I've always assumed that means he's taken and that's my cue to stay the heck away(which I do, natch).

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 09:17 PM
I'm going to respectively disagree that a casual reference to her boyfriend when not asked out/propositioned or any reference made to a come-on is a polite 'keep away' signal.

It is just conversation. If made after a proposal or come-on, then yes a polite back-off.

Richard

Uh...no.

You don't wait for a come-on to deal with this sort of thing. You stop it before it starts if you have any sense.

Trust me - for a lot of women, things like this aren't 'just conversation'. And having a man say a casual reference to a boyfriend means nothing just makes it even more difficult to convince people that 'back off' means 'back off'.

I mean...I honestly don't understand how thick-skinned some people in this thread are. What do you expect? Semaphore? A fly-past? Ticker tape? A billboard saying "FUCK OFF I'M WITH SOMEONE"?

Fokker Aeroplanbau
06-15-2009, 09:17 PM
I think it comes from so many girls saying they're in a relationship, actually not, and end up dating me anyhow. lol

Has 'happened' (you know, subsequent serious relationship is more then one week) 'bout twice already, and I'm not even out of college yet. So when when guys indicate that we think woman don't know their own emotions, we're not being mean... We just can only go on the little facts that we have of what goes on in your brain. Indeed, the girl I dated this year I got to know initially with a boyfriend... That didn't put the brake on anything.

Lyra Jean
06-15-2009, 09:18 PM
Yeah, if a guy doesn't take the I'm in a relationship line then I have to be more direct. But usually the guys I ran into don't take the direct line either. It's more of the ooh, she's giving me attention so she must want me. Then, I try to ignore them as much as possible which is fine if I don't have to work with them.

Seaclusion
06-15-2009, 09:18 PM
So what does it mean in guy-speak when a guy mentions he has a girlfriend?

I've always assumed that means he's taken and that's my cue to stay the heck away(which I do, natch).


It means at the moment he has a girlfriend. That could change in the nest twenty minutes or the next twenty years.

Richard

quickWit
06-15-2009, 09:19 PM
So what does it mean in guy-speak when a guy mentions he has a girlfriend?

It means he isn't gay. Prolly. :)

Kris
06-15-2009, 09:21 PM
Maybe a less offensive way to say what I am trying to get at is to say that with the very little James has told us, it is tough to calculate the odds of his eventually going on a date with this woman.

Since the "She's saying backoff!" point of view had already been adequately defended, I was trying to articulate another possibility. Not saying possibility # 2 is any likelier. Maybe she is saying back off! I just don't see how you all are so sure that's what she saying based on the little, totally inconclusive evidence we have.

aadams73
06-15-2009, 09:21 PM
I mean...I honestly don't understand how thick-skinned some people in this thread are. What do you expect? Semaphore? A fly-past? Ticker tape? A billboard saying "FUCK OFF I'M WITH SOMEONE"?

Fuck off, I'm with someone.

:ROFL:

Wait, that's just my reflection. *Smooch* Hello, beautiful.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 09:23 PM
Maybe a less offensive way to say what I am trying to get at is to say that with the very little James has told us, it is tough to calculate the odds of his eventually going on a date with this woman.

Since the "She's saying backoff!" point of view had already been adequately defended, I was trying to articulate another possibility. Not saying possibility # 2 is any likelier. Maybe she is saying back off! I just don't see how you all are so sure that's what she saying based on the little, totally inconclusive evidence we have.

*headdesk*

Lara, I'm trying to see things from your side, I really am, but...come on.

"My boyfriend" is NOT inconclusive.

It just isn't.

Seaclusion
06-15-2009, 09:26 PM
*headdesk*

Lara, I'm trying to see things from your side, I really am, but...come on.

"My boyfriend" is NOT inconclusive.

It just isn't.


I hear women say "My girlfriend...blah blah blah." all the time. Am I to conclude that each of them is gay?

Richard

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 09:26 PM
*headdesk*

I give in.

Kris
06-15-2009, 09:27 PM
*headdesk*

Lara, I'm trying to see things from your side, I really am, but...come on.

"My boyfriend" is NOT inconclusive.

It just isn't.

But we don't know the context! Maybe she said it in a caressing voice while leaning seductively over James' desk, showing her cleavage! Maybe James is so smoking-white-hot that women wreck their cars when he walks by!!! Maybe they were actually KISSING when she said, "by the way, my boyfriend looovvves it when I do this" and then she bit his ear! We need more context!!! :D

quickWit
06-15-2009, 09:28 PM
*headdesk*

I give in.

Jackpot. :)

Seaclusion
06-15-2009, 09:29 PM
Jackpot. :)

My work is done.

Richard

aadams73
06-15-2009, 09:30 PM
*headdesk*

I give in.

Noooooo!

Ok, it's like this: I would never call a guy my "boyfriend" unless we were exclusive. That means I'm not interested in anyone else. And I'll be upfront about the fact that I have a boyfriend. I don't fool around. I break up with one person before I move on. Period.

But I call my girl friends my "girlfriends" all the time. We've never scissored or anything. Mostly we do each others hair and stuff. And by "stuff" I mean nails.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 09:30 PM
But we don't know the context! Maybe she said it in a caressing voice while leaning seductively over James' desk, showing her cleavage! Maybe James is so smoking-white-hot that women wreck their cars when he walks by!!! Maybe they were actually KISSING when she said, "by the way, my boyfriend looovvves it when I do this" and then she bit his ear! We need more context!!! :D

Even James wouldn't be stupid enough to misread that sort of signal.

Button
06-15-2009, 09:30 PM
And now that I've read other parts of this thread...

I actually have a fake engagement ring which I used to wear to work and other places where I would deal with the public. I'd use it in case I was approached by guys, when all I really wanted was to be left alone. The ring would slow the approaches down, but it didn't take them down altogether.

The ring didn't always work.

In fact, some guys would see the ring, comment on it, and then still ask me to coffee, buy a drink, etc. (After I would lie and say yes, I was engaged.)

Subtle hints sometimes doesn't work for the thick skulled.

I'm all for taking risks, and every circumstance is going to be different, but general rule of thumb is if I mention boyfriend, don't try to advance unless I say something.

Hopefully that's interest that followed the line, "We broke up/he dumped me/I obliterated him with my laser eyes."

Lyra Jean
06-15-2009, 09:31 PM
I hear women say "My girlfriend...blah blah blah." all the time. Am I to conclude that each of them is gay?

Richard

I wouldn't but that hasn't stopped other people from thinking that about me. A girl co-worker, my good friend, everyone thought we were lovers and even taking bets as to who was the guy and who was the girl in the relationship. Yeah, we didn't find out til later after she started dating a male co-worker and I got engaged. Then people were coming up to me and saying wow your engaged. I thought you were a lesbian. It was um, weird because I had boyfriends before I became engaged.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 09:32 PM
Noooooo!

Ok, it's like this: I would never call a guy my "boyfriend" unless we were exclusive. That means I'm not interested in anyone else. And I'll be upfront about the fact that I have a boyfriend. I don't fool around. I break up with one person before I move on. Period.

But I call my girl friends my "girlfriends" all the time. We've never scissored or anything. Mostly we do each others hair and stuff.

Thank you. You have more patience in explaining this than I do.

If I was with a woman exclusively I'd refer to her as my lover or partner. "Girlfriend," when used by a woman to refer to another woman, means "friend".

It's hardly rocket science...although to some men maybe it is.

Red_Dahlia
06-15-2009, 09:34 PM
I'm going to have to agree with all the others that say it was a back-off signal.

Look, it might have seemed like casual conversation to you, but to her, it was anything but. While you haven't asked her out yet, or done anything that you think would make it clear you're interested, she knows. Trust me, girls are VERY intuitive when it comes to this. And so, when the opportunity presented itself, she "casually" mentions she has a boyfriend. She figures it's no big deal, and that it's a way of letting you know before you get to invested in making things happen between the two of you. The good news is that she was polite about it, which means she wants to preserve a relationship. So you can still be friends, or work associates, whatever you are now.

Don't try putting a move on her while she has a boyfriend. You can stay friends, but cool the wanting to date her thing. If she ever wants to start dating you, expect her to casually mention at one point that she's single now, and give you a significant look.

That's my $.02. :)

aadams73
06-15-2009, 09:37 PM
Trust me, girls are VERY intuitive when it comes to this.

Definitely. I've only been blind-sided a couple of times. Usually I can see the come-on coming a mile away. And what do I do?

If I have a boyfriend, I casually mention him. Most guys are great about "getting" that.

Seaclusion
06-15-2009, 09:38 PM
Noooooo!

Ok, it's like this: I would never call a guy my "boyfriend" unless we were exclusive. That means I'm not interested in anyone else. And I'll be upfront about the fact that I have a boyfriend. I don't fool around. I break up with one person before I move on. Period.

.


I'll let you in on a little secret. Many guys have more than one 'girlfriend'.

Now they'll probably take my man card away again.

Richard

aadams73
06-15-2009, 09:39 PM
I'll let you in on a little secret. Many guys have more than one 'girlfriend'.



Guess what? That's no secret.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 09:40 PM
THINGS A WOMAN SAYS WHEN SHE IS INTERESTED:

Sure
Yes
Hey, why not?
Why don't we...?
I'd love to.
Maybe we could...
You're so funny/handsome/cleverTHINGS A WOMAN DOES NOT SAY WHEN SHE IS INTERESTED:

I have a boyfriend

James81
06-15-2009, 09:40 PM
Holy crap, this thread blew up. lol

Gonna take me some time to read all the posts.

Seaclusion
06-15-2009, 09:41 PM
Guess what? That's no secret.


Oh good, I can't stand to loose my man card again. If I do then I have to go through the initiation all over again and that's asking twelve girls out to see how many of them say......

Damn, that's another secret.

Richard

Seaclusion
06-15-2009, 09:42 PM
THINGS A WOMAN SAYS WHEN SHE IS INTERESTED:

Sure
Yes
Hey, why not?
Why don't we...?
I'd love to.
Maybe we could...
You're so funny/handsome/clever



Yes, but all those things are said after an offer of friendship is made, not before.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 09:43 PM
Yes, but all those things are said after an offer of friendship is made, not before.

Uh, no. Really, no. You need to go back, read all the posts made by women in this thread and take them on board.

A man does not have to come out with it and express interest for a woman to know he is interested.

aadams73
06-15-2009, 09:45 PM
THINGS A WOMAN SAYS WHEN SHE IS INTERESTED:
Sure
Yes
Hey, why not?
Why don't we...?
I'd love to.
Maybe we could...
You're so funny/handsome/clever

Yup. Sometimes I've even picked up the phone to ask a guy out if I could tell he was interested.

Seaclusion
06-15-2009, 09:47 PM
Uh, no. Really, no. You need to go back, .


Uh yes. Really, yes.

THINGS A WOMAN SAYS WHEN SHE IS INTERESTED:

Sure Answer to the question "You want to go out?"
Yes Answer to the question "You want to go out?"
Hey, why not? Answer to the question "You want to go out?"
Why don't we...? Answer to the question "You want to go out?"
I'd love to. Answer to the question "You want to go out?"
Maybe we could... Answer to the question "You want to go out?"
You're so funny/handsome/clever Answer to the question "You want to go out or stay in?"
Richard

som1luvsmi
06-15-2009, 09:47 PM
Ummm...where did James go? He hasn't chimed in on any of this. ETA: Oh! There he is, a couple posts upthread. :)

SP, I think you're right. All of it. :D

If anything, there is the simple fact that James said the woman in question just brought up the fact that she had a boyfriend, without the conversation even leading in that direction.

I don't think it was a "try harder" signal, I think it was a gentle "not interested" signal.

James, my advice is to just move along, unless she's really cool, and in that case, take the "just friends" route. I'd hate for you to miss out on a great friendship just because she's "not that into you". :)

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 09:48 PM
Uh yes. Really, yes.

THINGS A WOMAN SAYS WHEN SHE IS INTERESTED:

Sure Answer to the question "You want to go out?"
Yes Answer to the question "You want to go out?"
Hey, why not? Answer to the question "You want to go out?"
Why don't we...? Answer to the question "You want to go out?"
I'd love to. Answer to the question "You want to go out?"
Maybe we could... Answer to the question "You want to go out?"
You're so funny/handsome/clever Answer to the question "You want to go out or stay in?"Richard

So you think all of the above are the only possible instances in which a woman would say sure/yes/hey, why not?

Riiiiight.

Listen. If you want to know what a woman means when she says something, folks? Ask a woman. Not a man.

Kris
06-15-2009, 09:49 PM
Holy crap, this thread blew up. lol

Gonna take me some time to read all the posts.

I think I can sum it up. Pretty much everyone thinks she's saying backoff, but me and two guys think you should go for it just to see what happens ;)

But the votes are like 400 to one in favor of, she's telling you to back off.

aadams73
06-15-2009, 09:50 PM
THINGS A WOMAN SAYS WHEN SHE IS INTERESTED:

Why don't we...?

Yes, we'll often say this(or at least I will) if I can tell a guy is interested but hasn't made a move yet and I'm interested too.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 09:51 PM
Yes, we'll often say this(or at least I will) if I can tell a guy is interested but hasn't made a move yet and I'm interested too.

I once got talking to a guy about ten-pin bowling and gave him a throwaway comment like, "Oh we should go sometime."

So we did, that weekend. He ended up proposing within a week. :D

Seaclusion
06-15-2009, 09:52 PM
I think I can sum it up. Pretty much everyone thinks she's saying backoff, but me and two guys think you should go for it just to see what happens ;)

But the votes are like 400 to one in favor of, she's telling you to back off.


Well in that case, I'm backing off.

Richard

som1luvsmi
06-15-2009, 09:52 PM
Maybe you should add a poll, James. ;)

Kris
06-15-2009, 09:54 PM
Well in that case, I'm backing off.

Richard

*sob* no one believes in this love story but me ....

;)

Kris
06-15-2009, 09:55 PM
Maybe you should add a poll, James. ;)

LOL!! I think so too.

Seaclusion
06-15-2009, 09:56 PM
*sob* no one believes in this lust story but me ....

;)


Sure we do.

Richard

Kris
06-15-2009, 09:57 PM
Sure we do.

Richard

LOL. Hey!!! that's not what I ...*sputters*

aadams73
06-15-2009, 10:08 PM
I demand a pole poll. :D

Silver King
06-15-2009, 10:08 PM
James, if you want women to be interested in you, just tell them you're married. Then they'll fall over themselves to get into your pants.

Kidding, kidding...sorta. For some reason, saying, "I'm married," is a huge turn on for some folks. I never realized that until after I'd become hitched, and man oh man, they sure started coming out of the woodwork then. It was surprising and sad at the same time, and I thought, Geez, where were all of these opportunities when I was single?

Angie
06-15-2009, 10:10 PM
By the way, SK....how you doin'? :D

James81
06-15-2009, 10:11 PM
But all I'm saying is that the woman should have the strength to SEND a clear signal. She can just tell him to back off if she wants him to back off! Of course no means no.

Maybe you all know James81 better than I do, or something, and can assume that he's being a jerk and making some sort of hard-edged play for this woman. To me it sounds like he's just kind of gauging whether there might be some interest there.

Ha ha, I'm only a jerk online. :D


*dons policeman's uniform, stands at Ms. Boyfriend's desk*

Move along, James. Nothing to see here...

:roll:


I'd lay money on this woman having more insight than James81 - she picked up on the attraction and laid it to rest before he even mentioned it.

I'd be really surprised if she did. Because she's always with another girl when I talk to her, and I give THAT girl way more attention than I do her. If anything, I've probably been sending the opposite of "attraction" as a signal. Unless she's some sort of hound and can sniff out that I think she's cute and kinda fun to talk to.


Even James wouldn't be stupid enough to misread that sort of signal.

Dayum, I may have a thick skin but I do have feelings.

*slinks away*

;)


Maybe you should add a poll, James. ;)

Ha ha, I'm king of lopsided polls. Maybe I should have.

****

But seriously, I think everyone is misinterpretting me here and/or I was unclear about what I was asking (happens a lot with me :D).

I'm not asking how to pursue a girl who is in a relationship. I never have and never will. I'm not even asking how you break up a couple (I wouldn't want someone doing that to me, so I wouldn't do it to others).

What I want to know is how to approach the relationship with her WHILE she has a boyfriend on the off chance that one day she comes in and says "Oh we broke up." And the reason I ask that is because in the past, I've always landed myself in the whole "let's just be friends" zone while a girl was in a relationship and when she DID break up with him, she saw me as ONLY a friend and nothing else. It's happened to me more times than I can count.

I'm just wondering if there is a non-sleezy way to maintain attraction with a girl while she is in a relationship until she breaks up with him.

Kris
06-15-2009, 10:12 PM
James, if you want women to be interested in you, just tell them you're married. Then they'll fall over themselves to get into your pants.

Kidding, kidding...sorta. For some reason, saying, "I'm married," is a huge turn on for some folks. I never realized that until after I'd become hitched, and man oh man, they sure started coming out of the woodwork then. It was surprising and sad at the same time, and I thought, Geez, where were all of these opportunities when I was single?




I have found the opposite...either I got really ugly or turned invisible when I got married, or men are much more ethical than we give them credit for. Or more afraid of rejection. I never get hit on when I'm wearing my wedding ring.

aadams73
06-15-2009, 10:13 PM
I'm just wondering if there is a non-sleezy way to maintain attraction with a girl while she is in a relationship until she breaks up with him.

Just be friendly and decent and funny. Huge points right there.

rhymegirl
06-15-2009, 10:14 PM
Kidding, kidding...sorta. For some reason, saying, "I'm married," is a huge turn on for some folks. I never realized that until after I'd become hitched, and man oh man, they sure started coming out of the woodwork then. It was surprising and sad at the same time, and I thought, Geez, where were all of these opportunities when I was single?

Yes, I can relate to this, too. Maybe there's just something about knowing a person is unavailable that makes them very desirable, a challenge.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 10:14 PM
...I'd be really surprised if she did. Because she's always with another girl when I talk to her, and I give THAT girl way more attention than I do her. If anything, I've probably been sending the opposite of "attraction" as a signal. Unless she's some sort of hound and can sniff out that I think she's cute and kinda fun to talk to...

Dude. She knows what you're doing.

She knows.

scarletpeaches
06-15-2009, 10:14 PM
Just be friendly and decent and funny. Huge points right there.

And stop trying to get something out of it.

Kris
06-15-2009, 10:16 PM
Just be friendly and decent and funny. Huge points right there.

Totally agree. Be friendly.

Kris
06-15-2009, 10:27 PM
James, I can't vote because your poll doesn't have the answer I wanted to see....

"When I said 'boyfriend' I meant that I want you RIGHT NOW, you big Stud!!" :)

MacAllister
06-15-2009, 10:28 PM
Heh. I built the poll, actually -- no fair blaming James for it.

I'm going to add your alternative right now, Lara. :D

Kris
06-15-2009, 10:29 PM
Heh. I built the poll, actually -- no fair blaming James for it.

I'm going to add your alternative right now, Lara. :D

Yay! Thanks. I'm clearly out-numbered, but I just want one last hurrah ;)

MacAllister
06-15-2009, 10:31 PM
It takes a certain amount of cheek to be so very outnumbered and still be so cheerful about it. You get major points from me for that.

James81
06-15-2009, 10:33 PM
Hmmm, I voted for "Eggplant Bloom" before the new option was added. Now it looks like I voted that I am a big stud.

Ha ha, for once I can say that I accidentally look like an ass. :D

MacAllister
06-15-2009, 10:37 PM
I swear to god I'm going to look into designing a "plausible deniability" default poll option...

robeiae
06-15-2009, 10:45 PM
I want you RIGHT NOW, you big Stud!!" :)
I get that a lot.

cray
06-15-2009, 10:45 PM
well james, the next encounter with this young lady might be, 'i hope my boyfriend doesn't find out' *insert eye shrug guy here* or it might be, 'my boyfriend is going to kick you in the bingos.'

who knows.



....seem like too much weight is being attached to this one encounter.

KTC
06-15-2009, 10:45 PM
I swear to god I'm going to look into designing a "plausible deniability" default poll option...

You don't really have to. Sh*t travels downhill as it is. You should be good, Mac.

A Non A Moose
06-15-2009, 10:48 PM
James, you go for her. You're better than that other guy and you know it.

James81
06-15-2009, 10:49 PM
James, you go for her. You're better than that other guy and you know it.

:roll:

Good point.

aadams73
06-15-2009, 10:50 PM
James, you go for her. You're better than that other guy and you know it.

James, it gets really embarrassing when you get your mom to post.


:D

KTC
06-15-2009, 10:55 PM
Guys, girls....how do you handle this?

In the course of normal conversation a girl says "Ha ha, I know my boyfriend...blah blah blah...." Nothing purposeful about letting you know that, she's just making conversation. But it tips you off that, "Ok, buddy, she has a boyfriend....back off."

On the other hand, though, you realize that not every girl who has a boyfriend is serious about that boyfriend and that you COULD date her if she realized she wasn't all that serious about him. But you don't want to be a sleeze-bag either, or the guy who tries to break them up. But you won't be the guy who she cheats on him with either.

See the conundrum? Is this one of this things that you forget about and move on with? Or is there a non-sleezy way to handle it without ending up being JUST her friend forever and ever, even if she's single?

Your thoughts? :D

Speaking as somebody who has been happily married for over 20 years...and together for a lot longer...I find questions like this appalling. Love is sacred. So are boyfriends/girlfriends. If someone you are interested in mentions that they have a significant other---END OF STORY. There's enough crap out in the solar system fighting to tear them asunder...you don't have to add to it.

Kris
06-15-2009, 10:57 PM
I will feel personally vindicated if James and the Temp get together. :P

MacAllister
06-15-2009, 11:00 PM
Hmm. Honestly, I would have expected our sock-puppet friend had been around long enough to know better.

robeiae
06-15-2009, 11:01 PM
I don't see the point, myself.

Jersey Chick
06-15-2009, 11:03 PM
Okay, I had to go out and get my son some man-dals, but now I'm back.

I asked my husband what he thought "I have a boyfriend," meant and, once he trusted that it wasn't a trick question, he said, without hesitation that he took it as:

1. I have a boyfriend

2. leave me alone

James81
06-15-2009, 11:06 PM
Hmm. Honestly, I would have expected our sock-puppet friend had been around long enough to know better.

My mom can be stubborn sometimes.

MacAllister
06-15-2009, 11:07 PM
Your "mom" has about ten more minutes to make this right, or I'm banning both of them. It's pretty clear that we don't let people maintain multiple accounts here without specific circumstances and prior permission.

It's completely impossible for a community to maintain any level of the assumption of goodwill necessary for real participation and conversation, if people aren't willing to own their own damned words.

KTC
06-15-2009, 11:10 PM
yo momma









it was called for. just seemed right.

James81
06-15-2009, 11:16 PM
Your "mom" has about ten more minutes to make this right, or I'm banning both of them. It's pretty clear that we don't let people maintain multiple accounts here without specific circumstances and prior permission.

It's completely impossible for a community to maintain any level of the assumption of goodwill necessary for real participation and conversation, if people aren't willing to own their own damned words.

Ok, now I'm curious who it is. lol

Clair Dickson
06-15-2009, 11:21 PM
Sheez... no wonder men don't understand women when I have a boyfriend could mean "I have a boyfriend, but if you pursue me, I might have the gonads to break up with the one I have and go with you."

I vote that it's a back off signal. I use it (well, I use "my husband") and instert it early into any conversation with a man whom I don't know. So, if the guy at the grocery store starts chatting me up, one of the first things out of my mouth is, "My husband... something somtehing." It's a warning shot across the bow to save us both the spilling of blood.

I simply can't stand women who play bullshit wordgames... including using "I have a boyfriend" when they don't mean "I'm committed a the moment, leave a message and should I become single, I'll get back with you." Also included on the list are "Nothing is wrong" instead of "You worthless [vile expletive deleted, how could you?" and "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, you better find out" instead of "You did X and you're lucky I haven't given you a black eye for it." Ugh.

My two cents. On this and other related topics.

As for chatting with her-- no reason you can't. You never know-- sometimes being friends is good enough. And she might someday be available. In the meantime, you'll have someone fun to hang with, right?

Alpha Echo
06-15-2009, 11:23 PM
I know that whenever I said anything like that, I was saying it so that the guy knew I was taken.

*shrugs*

I assume most girls do the same.

Cassiopeia
06-15-2009, 11:26 PM
James, if you want women to be interested in you, just tell them you're married. Then they'll fall over themselves to get into your pants.

Kidding, kidding...sorta. For some reason, saying, "I'm married," is a huge turn on for some folks. I never realized that until after I'd become hitched, and man oh man, they sure started coming out of the woodwork then. It was surprising and sad at the same time, and I thought, Geez, where were all of these opportunities when I was single?


Either that you're married or uninterested. The only thing is, when I am uninterested, I'm uninterested. And for some reason, that just seems to encourage them.

aadams73
06-15-2009, 11:26 PM
Also included on the list are "Nothing is wrong" instead of "You worthless [vile expletive deleted, how could you?" and "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, you better find out" instead of "You did X and you're lucky I haven't given you a black eye for it." Ugh.


Ooooh yeah! If I'm pissed my guy is going to know about it right up front. If we're out somewhere, I'd never humiliate him in public but he'd definitely get a quiet "we're going to talk about this--later," comment.

Simply saying "I'm fine," and expecting a guy to guess is not on.

Millicent M'Lady
06-15-2009, 11:27 PM
If it was a yellow light and she was willing to dump a boyfriend/cheat on him for you, you could never trust that she wouldn't do the very same thing to you in a heartbeat.

Tread carefully is all I'm saying...

NeuroFizz
06-16-2009, 12:11 AM
Funny, a man even joking about giving a woman a black eye would generate outrage (for good reason). But that same good reason should generate reciprocal outrage as well.

As for the original question, I like to approach it as if I'm ready to give Little Fizzy and Fizzette lessons in proper treatment of significant others and proper manners in social situations. What do I want them to know? What do I want them to say, and what should they expect from various responses? And all man-joking aside, what I want Little Fizzy to be when he grows up is a good man. And Fizzette, a good woman.

Cassiopeia
06-16-2009, 12:20 AM
And all man-joking aside, what I want Little Fizzy to be when he grows up is a good man. And Fizzette, a good woman.

I am in absolute agreement with you on that one. That's what I want for my 2 boys and my daughter as well.

aadams73
06-16-2009, 12:26 AM
Funny, a man even joking about giving a woman a black eye would generate outrage (for good reason). But that same good reason should generate reciprocal outrage as well.


I have never hit a man*, nor would I unless he hit first. I understand your concern, but in this case we're talking more of the verbal "black eye".

But I don't get too upset when my guy friends(not boyfriends) joke about slapping a woman and putting her in her place. Because we all know they don't mean it.

*Actually, I have, but those were special--and justified--circumstances.

aadams73
06-16-2009, 12:29 AM
Either that you're married or uninterested. The only thing is, when I am uninterested, I'm uninterested. And for some reason, that just seems to encourage them.

There's a certain type of guy who will always say you're just playing hard to get. I don't play hard to get. I don't play. If I'm interested, I'm interested and respond accordingly, and if I'm not, I'm not.

Kris
06-16-2009, 12:35 AM
As for the original question, I like to approach it as if I'm ready to give Little Fizzy and Fizzette lessons in proper treatment of significant others and proper manners in social situations. What do I want them to know? What do I want them to say, and what should they expect from various responses? And all man-joking aside, what I want Little Fizzy to be when he grows up is a good man. And Fizzette, a good woman.

I guess I approached it as a friend asking "Do you think I have a shot with so and so?" and my default in that case is usually yes--of course you have a shot! I mean, a hypothetical shot at least! I hate to see people give up hope with no real reason. Again, I was assuming James wasn't asking "Should I break up a happy couple?" "Should I harass this woman at her place of work?" "Should I be really creepy and off-putting?" I assumed he meant something more like, "If I'm frlendly and low-key, that doesn't buy me a lifelong ticket to the FriendZone, does it?"

I also think that like most women who answered, I was thinking about what I would do, and there have been situations when I've had a boyfriend, but been about to be single. In that situation, I'd be sure to mention the boyfriend in the interest of truthfulness, but it wouldn't necessarily mean I wasn't hoping the hot guy at work would be my next boyfriend.

I'm kind of embarrassed how much you all disapprove of that last part, but I'm willing to take my knocks for it. :)

Cassiopeia
06-16-2009, 12:42 AM
There's a certain type of guy who will always say you're just playing hard to get. I don't play hard to get. I don't play. If I'm interested, I'm interested and respond accordingly, and if I'm not, I'm not.
There is nothing more off-putting than a man or woman who thinks I don't know what I want or that because they play games I do too.

I tend to put them on my "real life ignore list" and go merrily along my way. Silence is a great motivator. And if that doesn't work, I blatantly without any remorse tell them where to get off.

Red_Dahlia
06-16-2009, 12:50 AM
I'd be really surprised if she did. Because she's always with another girl when I talk to her, and I give THAT girl way more attention than I do her. If anything, I've probably been sending the opposite of "attraction" as a signal. Unless she's some sort of hound and can sniff out that I think she's cute and kinda fun to talk to. .

*sigh* I'm sorry to tell you this, but that can make it even more obvious. I think alot of it comes down to body language, or something. You may be talking to the other girl more, but your eyes tend to drift to the one you like just a little too often, you laugh a little to enthusiastically at her jokes, stuff like that. Even if you hide all of that, the fact that you are standing right next to her and ignoring her is a pretty big clue. And yes, we're just like hounds. :D




What I want to know is how to approach the relationship with her WHILE she has a boyfriend on the off chance that one day she comes in and says "Oh we broke up." And the reason I ask that is because in the past, I've always landed myself in the whole "let's just be friends" zone while a girl was in a relationship and when she DID break up with him, she saw me as ONLY a friend and nothing else. It's happened to me more times than I can count.

I'm just wondering if there is a non-sleezy way to maintain attraction with a girl while she is in a relationship until she breaks up with him.

Ok, if you seriously want this to work, you're going to have to put a concentrated effort into cooling down your feelings. A little bit of a work crush, someone to flirt with to alleviate boredom is fine, but you have to be careful not to cross the line. You need to start looking for someone else. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you never know, this girl could end up marrying her boyfriend, and then where would you be? Besides, if you make it known to her that you are dating/searching for someone to date, it will make you seem less threatening (I'm sure you're not an intimidating guy, but any guy who gives off a vibe of being interested in you while you have a bf is considered threatening in some form) and then she'll be able to loosen up and have more fun around you.

DO NOT become this girl's best friend. I'm sure you already know this from your post, but it will make things harder from you if you do. It would be best for the two of you to become casual acquaintances, or work buddies. Don't go looking for her to talk to during the day, but if you run into her, always be friendly and funny. If she starts coming up to your desk to talk to you sometimes, don't blow her off, but don't reciprocate by going to her desk. This will make you seem both mysterious and approachable, but also non-threatening to her relationship.

If she and her boyfriend ever break up, that's when you start showing up more often. She'll start giving you more clues by that time about how she feels, and you can take it from there.

James81
06-16-2009, 01:02 AM
"If I'm frlendly and low-key, that doesn't buy me a lifelong ticket to the FriendZone, does it?"



OMG, yes. That's exactly the type of question I was asking. Like I said, I'm looking more towards avoiding the friendzone than I am pursuing something with the girl. She's just one fish in a very vast sea. I don't need to prove anything to myself by turning her off to her boyfriend or playing games.



Ok, if you seriously want this to work, you're going to have to put a concentrated effort into cooling down your feelings. A little bit of a work crush, someone to flirt with to alleviate boredom is fine, but you have to be careful not to cross the line.

Just to be clear....I don't have a crush on her or feelings for her. I've only talked to her a few times. I don't have much interest in anything serious or anything like that right now. The extent of my "feelings" are that I think she's hot and thus far she seems like a nice girl.



You need to start looking for someone else. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you never know, this girl could end up marrying her boyfriend, and then where would you be? Besides, if you make it known to her that you are dating/searching for someone to date, it will make you seem less threatening (I'm sure you're not an intimidating guy, but any guy who gives off a vibe of being interested in you while you have a bf is considered threatening in some form) and then she'll be able to loosen up and have more fun around you.

DO NOT become this girl's best friend. I'm sure you already know this from your post, but it will make things harder from you if you do. It would be best for the two of you to become casual acquaintances, or work buddies. Don't go looking for her to talk to during the day, but if you run into her, always be friendly and funny. If she starts coming up to your desk to talk to you sometimes, don't blow her off, but don't reciprocate by going to her desk. This will make you seem both mysterious and approachable, but also non-threatening to her relationship.

If she and her boyfriend ever break up, that's when you start showing up more often. She'll start giving you more clues by that time about how she feels, and you can take it from there.

Thanks for the advice. That makes sense.

Kris
06-16-2009, 01:09 AM
OMG, yes. That's exactly the type of question I was asking. Like I said, I'm looking more towards avoiding the friendzone than I am pursuing something with the girl. She's just one fish in a very vast sea. I don't need to prove anything to myself by turning her off to her boyfriend or playing games.


Being a girl, I may be totally blind about this, but I would say that the FriendZone thing is impossible to "game." It's instantaneous. It's not about being too nice or anything like that.

There used to be this hilarious show called "Panda Nursery" that would air on the Discovery Channel (okay stay with me here). These scientists in China were trying to mate these pandas in captivity. They sent in this one panda, and he kind of leaned on the counter, chatting; rubbed her back; talked to her about her interests...no I'm kidding, but the Friend Panda was in there for days and days, and the girl panda just refused to mate with him.

The scientists were about to give up hope, but then they sent in this second panda (identical to the first one, as far a human eye could discern). The second panda, whom we will refer to as Stud Panda, just went in there and starting mating! I watched the show with my husband and we were like "Hmmm. Guess pandas have a Friend Zone too."

JoNightshade
06-16-2009, 02:21 AM
My two cents: As long as she's working there, with you, and she has a boyfriend, she's off limits. If you don't want to be "just friends," don't talk to her or hang out with her. Period. If you are scared of missing your chance in the event she does break up, maybe find someone else in the office she is friends with and ask them to let you know if they split. (Although I would not pick one of her girlfriends for this - it will go right back to her!)

HOWEVER, let's say you or she will be leaving the office at some point (say she's a temp or got a different job). I think at that point it would be appropriate to say something like, "I know you have a boyfriend and I don't want to step over any lines, but I always thought you were cute/nice/whatever, and if it doesn't work out, give me a call." I agree with everyone that "I have a boyfriend" means "back off," but if you and she are in a situation where no further awkward contact would be required for her, then it's fine to let someone know you're interested and leave it at that.

Pagey's_Girl
06-16-2009, 03:33 AM
Jumping in late, but Jo's right. It means she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but she's not interested.

Button
06-16-2009, 03:35 AM
You know all that friendly stuff you did with other girls? Be friends? Get to know them? Let them in on your life? Don't do it.

If you like this girl, don't do that with her. Be friendly, but don't let her in on your personal life. Give her a smile, say something nice about her hair, and then that's it. Go back to work.

If you're stuck in situations where you have to talk to her, talk about work.

Guys fall into ruts of being the nice guy, and if you become the friend, that's what you are.

Staying aloof lets you play mysterious, but fling a few complements at her now and again and she'll be flattered and she'll be coming after you if she ever does break up with the current boyfriend.

Ken Schneider
06-16-2009, 04:05 AM
Guys, girls....how do you handle this?

In the course of normal conversation a girl says "Ha ha, I know my boyfriend...blah blah blah...." Nothing purposeful about letting you know that, she's just making conversation. But it tips you off that, "Ok, buddy, she has a boyfriend....back off."

On the other hand, though, you realize that not every girl who has a boyfriend is serious about that boyfriend and that you COULD date her if she realized she wasn't all that serious about him. But you don't want to be a sleeze-bag either, or the guy who tries to break them up. But you won't be the guy who she cheats on him with either.

See the conundrum? Is this one of this things that you forget about and move on with? Or is there a non-sleezy way to handle it without ending up being JUST her friend forever and ever, even if she's single?

Your thoughts? :D

If they say Boyfriend, they ain't interested in you.

If they have a BF, and don't tell you in conversation, and asked you out after work, you're Hot.

If they don't have a BF and say they do, well....

Medievalist
06-16-2009, 04:10 AM
If they don't have a BF and say they do, well....

It means you're a scary stalker dude, and they're desperately trying to avoid you.

And yeah, this is a lot more common than people would like to think.

aadams73
06-16-2009, 05:34 AM
It means you're a scary stalker dude, and they're desperately trying to avoid you.

And yeah, this is a lot more common than people would like to think.

QFT

Sometimes a person strikes that wrong chord and you clue in pretty quickly to the possibility that he likely won't take no for an answer if he thinks you're single. I've been called a lot of names for saying no; "bitch" is the least of them. It doesn't matter how polite or nice you are, sometimes "no" doesn't cut it, so you're forced to make something up.

If someone says "no," please assume they mean it--boyfriend, girlfriend, or not.

James81
06-16-2009, 05:39 AM
QFT

Sometimes a person strikes that wrong chord and you clue in pretty quickly to the possibility that he likely won't take no for an answer if he thinks you're single. I've been called a lot of names for saying no; "bitch" is the least of them. It doesn't matter how polite or nice you are, sometimes "no" doesn't cut it, so you're forced to make something up.

If someone says "no," please assume they mean it--boyfriend, girlfriend, or not.

YES! Say it a million times. Then say it a million more. And the word you will have said two million times is...

Death Wizard
06-16-2009, 05:40 AM
You know all that friendly stuff you did with other girls? Be friends? Get to know them? Let them in on your life? Don't do it.

If you like this girl, don't do that with her. Be friendly, but don't let her in on your personal life. Give her a smile, say something nice about her hair, and then that's it. Go back to work.

If you're stuck in situations where you have to talk to her, talk about work.

Guys fall into ruts of being the nice guy, and if you become the friend, that's what you are.

Staying aloof lets you play mysterious, but fling a few complements at her now and again and she'll be flattered and she'll be coming after you if she ever does break up with the current boyfriend.

Good points. Mr. Nice Guy never scores, but Mr. Nice Mysterious Confident Guy does pretty well.

James81
06-16-2009, 05:51 AM
Oh shit, I searched her name in myspace and she has a myspace. To add or not to add....that is the question. :D

aadams73
06-16-2009, 05:52 AM
Dude, you are SO a stalker. Srsly.

aadams73
06-16-2009, 05:53 AM
Good points. Mr. Nice Guy never scores, but Mr. Nice Mysterious Confident Guy does pretty well.

Confidence is key. It's a very attractive thing on a man.

James81
06-16-2009, 05:56 AM
Dude, you are SO a stalker. Srsly.

What can I say? I love corn.

Silver King
06-16-2009, 06:01 AM
Oh shit, I searched her name in myspace and she has a myspace. To add or not to add....that is the question. :D
Post a link to it here, and let us decide if she's right for you. ;)


Dude, you are SO a stalker. Srsly.
Well, it's not like he's following her home from work and going through her garbage while trying to find more info. He's merely accessing what she's already made public to anyone else with an Internet connection who cares to have a look.

Cassiopeia
06-16-2009, 06:04 AM
Still, James...it just seems desperate to me. Do you want to go down that road? I mean, come on. There's a persona you should be adopting here....aloof and disinterested will win the day for you, not desperate and "will cross boundaries to be noticed".

C.bronco
06-16-2009, 06:04 AM
They might split up. Be nice, and who knows what the future may bring? I'd say, if you like her, try being her friend, yanno, like people are platonic friends. If it turns out they are serious, at least you might have a good friend out of the deal.

Though, I have to say I do like SK's idea of us being your pseudo-parents and giving the go-ahead or retreat order.

Greenify13
06-16-2009, 06:05 AM
Confidence is very important and attractive...too much of it and I will bring you down a few notches. However this thread did take me back some time and brought memories of how a barracks roommate had given me a ring and we decided it would be best if I was "married". It worked on some men, didn't with others. Some didn't care and continued pressing, others backed off and some even apologized. No, I wasn't married but I needed to be considering the harrasment and such I recieved. Luckily someone came along at the right point in time and took a man down when it got to be too much.
Not that this is you...it just reminds me of how/why someone would say it when it isn't true. Of course that is the shortest-incomplicated version I could come out with. :D

aadams73
06-16-2009, 06:05 AM
Well, it's not like he's following her home from work and going through her garbage while trying to find more info. He's merely accessing what she's already made public to anyone else with an Internet connection who cares to have a look.

I know. I was teasing him. :D

Cassiopeia
06-16-2009, 06:07 AM
But I'm not joking. Neither man or woman should be so obsessed with someone. It's for one thing, unattractive and two; it makes me squick if I find out a guy has been THAT into me. I'm not flattered, it creeps me out.

C.bronco
06-16-2009, 06:22 AM
Srsly, be youself and have fun. If you are happy with yourself, everything will fall into place.

Cassiopeia
06-16-2009, 06:23 AM
Good points. Mr. Nice Guy never scores, but Mr. Nice Mysterious Confident Guy does pretty well.Not true, but that's just me. I figure if someone is being mysterious, he's playing a game so I run as fast as I can as far away as I can.

I prefer, nice..honest...and fun to hang with. full stop.

Pagey's_Girl
06-16-2009, 06:23 AM
If they don't have a BF and say they do, well....

It's because we're not interested in you and never will be (that's a generic "you," BTW - not aimed at anyone in particular) and we're trying to be somewhat civil about it. End of story.

I'm sorry if I sound blunt, but that whole "she says no but REALLY means yes" thing is bull. No means NO. Accept it and move on.

rhymegirl
06-16-2009, 06:25 AM
Well, it's not like he's following her home from work and going through her garbage while trying to find more info. He's merely accessing what she's already made public to anyone else with an Internet connection who cares to have a look.

Has anyone ever gone through your garbage, SK?

Cassiopeia
06-16-2009, 06:25 AM
It's because we're not interested in you and never will be (that's a generic "you," BTW - not aimed at anyone in particular) and we're trying to be somewhat civil about it. End of story.

I'm sorry if I sound blunt, but that whole "she says no but REALLY means yes" thing is bull. No means NO. Accept it and move on.AND if no means yes to her...you betta run away fast. She's a game player.

James81
06-16-2009, 06:31 AM
Hmmm, I think I should quote her some scripture:


Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.
Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.
Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.
Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.
Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.
Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.

Song of Solomon 4:1-6

Cassiopeia
06-16-2009, 06:33 AM
Hmmm, I think I should quote her some scripture:you're joking. come on..tell me you are joking. right? ;)

James81
06-16-2009, 06:34 AM
you're joking. come on..tell me you are joking. right? ;)

:roll:

Of course I'm joking. lol

C.bronco
06-16-2009, 06:35 AM
Hormones are swell, but don't overlook character.

C.bronco
06-16-2009, 06:35 AM
Oh MAN!!!! Gimme Shelter just came on Pandora, but I digress.

James81
06-16-2009, 06:36 AM
Hormones are swell, but don't overlook character.

Heh, yeah.

I'm actually pretty big on personality. I mean, being pretty is one thing (and a requirement for me), but if there's no personality to match it, I move on pretty quick. :D

scarletpeaches
06-16-2009, 06:38 AM
Of course looks are important. Who wants to shag a fugly?

Cassiopeia
06-16-2009, 06:40 AM
:roll:

Of course I'm joking. lolGood! I don't have to smack you upside the head then.


Heh, yeah.

I'm actually pretty big on personality. I mean, being pretty is one thing (and a requirement for me), but if there's no personality to match it, I move on pretty quick. :DAre you equally as attractive? :D

Death Wizard
06-16-2009, 06:41 AM
Not true, but that's just me. I figure if someone is being mysterious, he's playing a game so I run as fast as I can as far away as I can.

I prefer, nice..honest...and fun to hang with. full stop.

You're right. Mysterious isn't the right word.

I just think that some guys can be too predictable.

James81
06-16-2009, 06:41 AM
Are you equally as attractive? :D

Well, I don't want to toot my own horn but....

:D

Cassiopeia
06-16-2009, 06:44 AM
Well, I don't want to toot my own horn but....

:DSeriously, I'm one who believes if a person insists on someone being physically attractive as part of the criteria, they better have the same to offer in return. :)

Cassiopeia
06-16-2009, 06:46 AM
You're right. Mysterious isn't the right word.

I just think that some guys can be too predictable.And let's be fair...women are guilty of this as well. It's not like men corner the market.

I have watched my friends, even the married ones play games with boyfriends and husbands and I don't approve. I even tell them to their faces, they are lucky it isn't me they are playing with.

Of course they laugh at me, being the single one in the crowd, I get told, I need to play games or I'll be single the rest of my life.

My attitude is...okay, I'm okay with that.

James81
06-16-2009, 06:48 AM
Seriously, I'm one who believes if a person insists on someone being physically attractive as part of the criteria, they better have the same to offer in return. :)

Of course. I don't require anyting that I don't hold myself to.

And my stanards of physical attraction aren't that rigid either.

Perhaps it would be better if I said that *I* need to be physically attracted to her.

scarletpeaches
06-16-2009, 06:49 AM
Seriously, I'm one who believes if a person insists on someone being physically attractive as part of the criteria, they better have the same to offer in return. :)

Well I for one certainly wouldn't go out with someone I didn't fancy.

Whether or not I'm physically attractive isn't for me to say, but if I fancy my partner and he/she fancies me, who cares what anyone else thinks?

When it comes to dating I think water finds its own level. We tend to date those who are just as attractive as us - and there's nothing wrong with that.

After all, the alternative is dating someone we're not attracted to and who wants to bump uglies with someone who turns them off?

Cassiopeia
06-16-2009, 06:53 AM
Well I for one certainly wouldn't go out with someone I didn't fancy.

Whether or not I'm physically attractive isn't for me to say, but if I fancy my partner and he/she fancies me, who cares what anyone else thinks?

When it comes to dating I think water finds its own level. We tend to date those who are just as attractive as us - and there's nothing wrong with that.

After all, the alternative is dating someone we're not attracted to and who wants to bump uglies with someone who turns them off?I'm more referring to those who hold such a high and unreasonable standard for the person and yet don't have a care about their own attractiveness, hygiene, manners...etc. :)

I know men and women who want to date only those who are like Hollywood glamorous and yet, well to put it kindly...*shudder* ew!

Silver King
06-16-2009, 06:53 AM
I know. I was teasing him. :D
Ah! I thought you were but had to give him a man-nudge anyway. :)

One thing I've been thinking about while reading through this thread is how incredibly difficult it must be to date these days. In my era, a simple, "Hey, Sweet Stuff, wanna come back to my place?" would be enough to gauge a potential date's interest. ;)

Has anyone ever gone through your garbage, SK?
Only my dog, but she loves me.

Oh MAN!!!! Gimme Shelter just came on Pandora, but I digress.
Yes! Gimme some (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJMnES7WoT4).

scarletpeaches
06-16-2009, 06:53 AM
Blech. Yeah. Make the best of what you have.

SOAP, boys. SOAP. :D

Wash occasionally. Then you might get some.

James81
06-16-2009, 06:54 AM
I'm more referring to those who hold such a high and unreasonable standard for the person and yet don't have a care about their own attractiveness, hygiene, manners...etc. :)

I know men and women who want to date only those who are like Hollywood glamorous and yet, well to put it kindly...*shudder* ew!

I'm not crazy about the Hollywood look.

I like a girl with a little meat on her bones (not chunky, but not Hollywood anorexic either).

Ken Schneider
06-16-2009, 06:58 AM
It means you're a scary stalker dude, and they're desperately trying to avoid you.

And yeah, this is a lot more common than people would like to think.

Stalker. I saw one today. Made of straw hanging on a pole in a cornfield. He's there everyday when I go by.

Anyway. If you really want to take this chick out, here's what you say:

1. I just won the lottery. (Be sure you have a winning scratch off ticket in your pocket. Denomination not important.)

2. I bet you and I can't blow this hundred dollar bill eating lunch.

If you just want a hug:

1.Your BF just called and said he's moving out.

2. My grandmother died. (only good for two hugs.)

3. Can cry on demand.

Use your imagination, DUDE!

Cassiopeia
06-16-2009, 06:58 AM
I'm not crazy about the Hollywood look.

I like a girl with a little meat on her bones (not chunky, but not Hollywood anorexic either).It isn't just the guys either. I know women who won't date a man unless he has a certain level of economic status, he has a full head of hair, tan, straight white teeth, good build...Oh hey, that's my standards...

JUST KIDDING!


okay maybe just a little ;)

Ken Schneider
06-16-2009, 07:00 AM
Blech. Yeah. Make the best of what you have.

SOAP, boys. SOAP. :D

Wash occasionally. Then you might get some.

HEY! I'll have you know I take a shower everynight. Dove liquid soap and a green foo-foo to make it extra sudzzzzs.

Lyra Jean
06-16-2009, 07:06 AM
Ooooh yeah! If I'm pissed my guy is going to know about it right up front. If we're out somewhere, I'd never humiliate him in public but he'd definitely get a quiet "we're going to talk about this--later," comment.

Simply saying "I'm fine," and expecting a guy to guess is not on.

Never in public with my man either. A lot of people don't think we'll make because we met on the internet so we always put up a united front. But he knows I'm not afraid to speak my mind to him.

RumpleTumbler
06-16-2009, 07:12 AM
Chiming in late he said, "Infatuation can be cured in a fortnight, maybe two."

Throw your log on the fire James but prepare the salve prior.

There is merriment in the roasting.

James81
06-16-2009, 07:13 AM
Hmmm, throwing my log on the fire sounds kinda nice.

RumpleTumbler
06-16-2009, 07:24 AM
Hmmm, throwing my log on the fire sounds kinda nice.

lol....perv.. :)

Lay it down for a while.

See where that goes.

While you cool off she might warm up and then again maybe not.

Either way, win, win.

Her happiness is your utmost desire, right?

kdnxdr
06-16-2009, 07:50 AM
It has been very helpful to read through this thread.

My son turns 21 next month. It's difficult but I try to give motherly oversight via long distance. He just got mommy lecture #998 - red flags concerning girl he was "dating".

His sister "rolled him under the bus" and told me that before they were "dating" she was living with another guy in Texas. While she was there with that guy, she was texting her panties off to my son in Missouri!

I personally believe it's a generational thing to some degree as to what the "rules" are when it comes to hitting on someone who is supposedly "with" someone. When multiple sex partners are the norm, some people don't have any qualms about switching around the players.

He recently dropped his fiance because she hooked it up with his best friend from highschool. Now, they're both exes. Sad, sad, sad.

mario_c
06-16-2009, 08:19 AM
"Song of Solomon 4:1-6 " Biblical erotica! Gotta love it.

*is reduced to skimming biblical erotica on the internets*

Kris
06-16-2009, 02:39 PM
How to get the girl (based on successful attempts) (http://randomfunnypicture.com/2009/06/Girlology-How-to-Get-the-Girl-Ignore-Her-Graph/)

James81
06-16-2009, 04:23 PM
How to get the girl (based on successful attempts) (http://randomfunnypicture.com/2009/06/Girlology-How-to-Get-the-Girl-Ignore-Her-Graph/)

:roll:

God, that is so true.

scarletpeaches
06-16-2009, 04:24 PM
I think it'd be so cool if this chick found this 'ere thread and discovered what a weirdo James81 really is...

*cough*

Maybe someone could friend her on myspace and send her the link?

quickWit
06-16-2009, 06:00 PM
I mean, being pretty is one thing, but if there's no personality to match it, I move on pretty quick. :D

*fixes hair, puts on lipstick and waits for James to call*

aadams73
06-16-2009, 06:39 PM
*fixes hair, puts on lipstick and waits for James to call*

Your hairy legs look tres sexy in those pantyhose.

Angie
06-16-2009, 06:40 PM
Your hairy legs look tres sexy in those pantyhose.

You stole my comment! :D

aadams73
06-16-2009, 06:42 PM
You stole my comment! :D

Great minds that think alike are a very scary thing. :D

quickWit
06-16-2009, 06:42 PM
Thanks aadams (& Angie) :D. Some people think it's silly to wear fishnets over tube socks, but my boyfriend thinks it's teh sexay. :)

Pagey's_Girl
06-16-2009, 06:43 PM
*fixes hair, puts on lipstick and waits for James to call*

Little lipstick on the front tooth, dude.

quickWit
06-16-2009, 06:44 PM
Little lipstick on the front tooth, dude.

You say 'front tooth' as if I have more than one. :)

aadams73
06-16-2009, 07:14 PM
Thanks aadams (& Angie) :D. Some people think it's silly to wear fishnets over tube socks, but my boyfriend thinks it's teh sexay. :)

I think I just ran out of words.

rhymegirl
06-16-2009, 07:14 PM
Thanks aadams (& Angie) :D. Some people think it's silly to wear fishnets over tube socks, but my boyfriend thinks it's teh sexay. :)

Quicky!!

Does your wife know you have a boyfriend???

quickWit
06-16-2009, 07:16 PM
Quicky!!

Does your wife know you have a boyfriend???

Well she has one, so it's only fair, right? :D

rhymegirl
06-16-2009, 07:22 PM
Well she has one, so it's only fair, right? :D

Um...

Okay, who is it? Is it the mailman? The UPS guy?

The computer repair guy?

Some famous writer?

quickWit
06-16-2009, 07:27 PM
Um...

Okay, who is it? Is it the mailman? The UPS guy?

The computer repair guy?

Some famous writer?

*calls RG over*

Psst! RG...just between you and I, I don't really have a boyfriend. I just didn't want James getting the wrong impression so I said I had one.

Don't say anything, though. That would be awkward.

rhymegirl
06-16-2009, 08:47 PM
*calls RG over*

Psst! RG...just between you and I, I don't really have a boyfriend. I just didn't want James getting the wrong impression so I said I had one.

Don't say anything, though. That would be awkward.

Oh. *wink wink*

Got it.

mario_c
06-17-2009, 06:52 AM
How to get the girl (based on successful attempts) (http://randomfunnypicture.com/2009/06/Girlology-How-to-Get-the-Girl-Ignore-Her-Graph/)
So, why doesn't that work over here?

aadams73
06-17-2009, 07:09 AM
So, why doesn't that work over here?

Because it just doesn't work. If a guy ignores me, I assume he's uninterested/taken/whatever and my potential interest drops to zero.

Cassiopeia
06-17-2009, 07:35 AM
If a guy ignores me, to be honest...I'm usually relieved. LOL. I know that's weird but ....well...it takes a lot of pressure off and I just figure there's so many fish in the sea (none quite SK but he's taken *sob*) that someone EVEN better will come along and notice me and they usually do. ;)

James81
06-20-2009, 03:21 AM
I want to take a moment to update this thread, and to share the answer that I came up with to this type of situation. I wasn't even thinking about the situation, but I was going back to a book that I read a few years ago (well, I only got through about half of it and decided that I wanted to finish it) by Anthony Robbins called Awaken the Giant Within.

The section I was reading involved asking yourself questions and how we can change our outlook and our state based on the questions we ask ourself. So I went out for a smoke and this is what popped into my head regarding the situation....

I realized that there is nothing TO do here. I was asking myself the wrong question (how to handle a girl who has a boyfriend?), and that question was in and of itself manipulative.

The RIGHT question is "How do I experience my interactions in such a way that I am an attractive person to be around?" I was focused on attracting HER, when the real thing I should be doing is realizing and maintaining my attraction for myself.

And in answering that question, I realized that there should be no difference. That it shouldn't matter who I am talking to or what I want out of the situation. The only thing that matters is how to assert myself in an attractive manner, how to set and maintain boundaries without being manipulative, and what I can learn from the people that come into my life.

I manifested this girl in the same way I've manifested everybody else in my life....to not only teach them something about themselves, but to also (and just as importantly) to learn something about myself. If I have to consciously change who I am around someone, then I am, at my core, being manipulative. And that was the flaw in the way I was thinking when I made this thread. I was looking for ways to act differently so as to attract her to me so that she would be turned off to her boyfriend and onto me.

But now I know that all I need to do is assert myself more clearly, to set my own personal boundaries about how I choose to interact with her (and other people in my life), and to BE attractive (instead of trying GAIN attraction).

So there you go. I think I learned a pretty profound thing from this, and I have to give some of the credit to Mr. Robbins for teaching me how to ask the right questions. :D

scarletpeaches
06-20-2009, 03:23 AM
I've read that book too.

And I like this part:
If I have to consciously change who I am around someone, then I am, at my core, being manipulative

Silver King
06-20-2009, 03:50 AM
I like that part also. And it pretty much goes back to simply being yourself. People will be attracted to who you are, not what you pretend to be. Even if you're a great actor, you won't be able to put up a front for long. And when you're found out, you'll be viewed as a fraud, and no one likes to be duped.

Just be yourself, James. It's far less work, and the people you attract will appreciate your true self, and not some impostor whose ruse will unravel anyway.

KTC
06-20-2009, 03:54 AM
I like that part also. And it pretty much goes back to simply being yourself. People will be attracted to who you are, not what you pretend to be. Even if you're a great actor, you won't be able to put up a front for long. And when you're found out, you'll be viewed as a fraud, and no one likes to be duped.

Just be yourself, James. It's far less work, and the people you attract will appreciate your true self, and not some impostor whose ruse will unravel anyway.

Are you telling us you're not a fish?

scarletpeaches
06-20-2009, 03:55 AM
He's a sea kitten.

KTC
06-20-2009, 03:59 AM
He's a sea kitten.

meow, baby.

Kris
06-20-2009, 05:19 AM
I want to take a moment to update this thread, and to share the answer that I came up with to this type of situation. I wasn't even thinking about the situation, but I was going back to a book that I read a few years ago (well, I only got through about half of it and decided that I wanted to finish it) by Anthony Robbins called Awaken the Giant Within.

The section I was reading involved asking yourself questions and how we can change our outlook and our state based on the questions we ask ourself. So I went out for a smoke and this is what popped into my head regarding the situation....

I realized that there is nothing TO do here. I was asking myself the wrong question (how to handle a girl who has a boyfriend?), and that question was in and of itself manipulative.

The RIGHT question is "How do I experience my interactions in such a way that I am an attractive person to be around?" I was focused on attracting HER, when the real thing I should be doing is realizing and maintaining my attraction for myself.

And in answering that question, I realized that there should be no difference. That it shouldn't matter who I am talking to or what I want out of the situation. The only thing that matters is how to assert myself in an attractive manner, how to set and maintain boundaries without being manipulative, and what I can learn from the people that come into my life.

I manifested this girl in the same way I've manifested everybody else in my life....to not only teach them something about themselves, but to also (and just as importantly) to learn something about myself. If I have to consciously change who I am around someone, then I am, at my core, being manipulative. And that was the flaw in the way I was thinking when I made this thread. I was looking for ways to act differently so as to attract her to me so that she would be turned off to her boyfriend and onto me.

But now I know that all I need to do is assert myself more clearly, to set my own personal boundaries about how I choose to interact with her (and other people in my life), and to BE attractive (instead of trying GAIN attraction).

So there you go. I think I learned a pretty profound thing from this, and I have to give some of the credit to Mr. Robbins for teaching me how to ask the right questions. :D

If I am not mistaken, this is the same lesson offered in the classic film "Groundhog Day." :)

KTC
06-20-2009, 05:21 AM
If I am not mistaken, this is the same lesson offered in the classic film "Groundhog Day." :)

Mayhaps. And, as an added bonus with the movie...you get to hear Sonny & Cher. Sadly, they are not present in this thread.

Kris
06-20-2009, 05:26 AM
Mayhaps. And, as an added bonus with the movie...you get to hear Sonny & Cher. Sadly, they are not present in this thread.

Unless you visualize. That's how I got this orange shag carpet to manifest itself, as well. You like?

scarletpeaches
06-20-2009, 05:29 AM
*visualises Colin Farrell and a bucket of chocolate ice cream*

Kris
06-20-2009, 05:32 AM
*visualises Colin Farrell and a bucket of chocolate ice cream*

Damn, why didn't I think of that? *visualizes Jason Statham and two mint juleps*

Death Wizard
06-20-2009, 05:58 AM
Well she has one, so it's only fair, right? :D

Ha!!!

cray
06-20-2009, 07:26 AM
I like that part also. And it pretty much goes back to simply being yourself. People will be attracted to who you are, not what you pretend to be. Even if you're a great actor, you won't be able to put up a front for long. And when you're found out, you'll be viewed as a fraud, and no one likes to be duped.

Just be yourself, James. It's far less work, and the people you attract will appreciate your true self, and not some impostor whose ruse will unravel anyway.


:flag:
i'm not really a battery.

vixey
06-20-2009, 07:41 AM
*hugs cray*

James81
06-20-2009, 08:22 AM
:flag:
i'm not really a battery.

:Hug2:

I''m not really a beast.

Haggis
06-20-2009, 05:46 PM
:flag:
i'm not really a battery.

:eek:

Wayne K
06-20-2009, 05:48 PM
I like that part also. And it pretty much goes back to simply being yourself. People will be attracted to who you are, not what you pretend to be. Even if you're a great actor, you won't be able to put up a front for long. And when you're found out, you'll be viewed as a fraud, and no one likes to be duped.

Just be yourself, James. It's far less work, and the people you attract will appreciate your true self, and not some impostor whose ruse will unravel anyway.

I'm not really a K.

Wayne K
06-20-2009, 05:49 PM
...or Nick Cave.

scarletpeaches
06-20-2009, 06:43 PM
I'm not really a peach.

KTC
06-20-2009, 06:45 PM
I'm a K.

KTC
06-20-2009, 06:51 PM
And for those keeping track, I'm also a Pepper.

Button
06-20-2009, 06:59 PM
I'm not really a little girl.

KTC
06-20-2009, 07:01 PM
I'm not really a little girl.

I knew I had something in common with you.

Manix
06-20-2009, 08:16 PM
I'm not really a guy with tattoos on his face and a sword strapped to his back.

Adam
06-20-2009, 08:21 PM
I'm not really a guy with tattoos on his face and a sword strapped to his back.

Lies.

(I have proof)

scarletpeaches
06-20-2009, 08:25 PM
I'm not really a hairy drummer.

(If I were, Adzmodeus might molest me).

aadams73
06-20-2009, 08:56 PM
I'm really a little teapot.

KTC
06-20-2009, 08:58 PM
I'm really a little teapot.

troublemaker

aadams73
06-20-2009, 09:01 PM
How did you know?

KTC
06-20-2009, 09:02 PM
it was the spout that gave it away

Jcomp
06-20-2009, 09:03 PM
I'm not really a frozen image of myself trapped in your computer screen.

In reality I crawl out your computer screen when you're not around and set dangerous traps up all around your house. Sleep tight!

KTC
06-20-2009, 09:09 PM
I'm not really a frozen image of myself trapped in your computer screen.

In reality I crawl out your computer screen when you're not around and set dangerous traps up all around your house. Sleep tight!

Jesus Christ in a tutu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You just don't say stuff like that to crazy people, J! You just don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kris
06-21-2009, 03:29 AM
I'm not really a pink bear with a nicotine addiction, a wistful smile, and a heart for a nose. But for all practical purposes, I may as well be.

NeuroFizz
06-21-2009, 03:32 AM
Men don't really lie. Really. Heh, heh.

scarletpeaches
06-21-2009, 03:32 AM
The graduate students didn't really do it. It was....me.

So you say. But men lie.

NeuroFizz
06-21-2009, 03:34 AM
You are fast, Scarlet. I changed it when I realized the grad students thing was the old comment. But they really didn't do it anyway.

Cranky
06-21-2009, 03:41 AM
I'm not really a frozen image of myself trapped in your computer screen.

In reality I crawl out your computer screen when you're not around and set dangerous traps up all around your house. Sleep tight!

So, the charming smile masks a heart of deepest darkness. Shame on you!