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The Lonely One
06-15-2009, 04:09 AM
What are the topics you'd rather inflict bodily harm on yourself than write about?

This topic comes up, of course, because I'm three days past deadline for a "meet the merchants" special section to run with our shopper guide here in sunny Southwest Florida.

What am I writing about? Oh. Very kind of you to ask.

How shopping locally effects (or is it affects?) the economy here in good ol' dead-end Lee County.

fluffluffluffluffetc.

It's like nails on a chalkboard writing this kind of stuff. About as riveting as a county commissioner's meeting.

I need to finish this but it's so painful. Plucking quotes, pretending I care whether or not Lee County burns to the ground...

But enough about me. How about you?

alleycat
06-15-2009, 04:16 AM
I once ghost wrote a semi-pornographic story for another writer friend who was going to miss her deadline. It was for some kind of local men's magazine, the kind with ads for strips clubs and massage parlors. Classy, eh?

I let her have all the credit for that one.

backslashbaby
06-15-2009, 04:21 AM
If I ever have to write another essay about Turing machines, I'll scratch my eyeballs out.

Good luck! Maybe you can encrypt naughty words in to the article. That'd be more fun :D

The Lonely One
06-15-2009, 04:23 AM
I know a reporter who wrote "God bless Lee County and nowhere else" in a special section story as a joke, and it *almost* made it in.

He's still employed there.

alleycat
06-15-2009, 04:26 AM
About as riveting as a county commissioner's meeting.
You've obviously never had to be in a eight-hour meeting with mechanical engineers on a building projects. It makes a county commissioner's meeting seem like a Hollywood premiere. Endless discussions about pipe runs and HVAC zones.

ChristineR
06-15-2009, 04:36 AM
Vampires that sparkle.

alleycat
06-15-2009, 04:39 AM
Vampires that sparkle.
Or zombies.

Marian Perera
06-15-2009, 04:39 AM
Cancer or sibling rivalry.

I'm not going to be objective about either of these.

alleycat
06-15-2009, 04:49 AM
It's like nails on a chalkboard writing this kind of stuff. About as riveting as a county commissioner's meeting.

I need to finish this but it's so painful. Plucking quotes, pretending I care whether or not Lee County burns to the ground...

You should write it as a comedy piece, then after you're done make a copy and change all the stupid things back to what's expected.

You could have a quotes from the local used cars dealer ("I only sell late model, low mileage vehicles -- they just happened to have been driven by Iraqi cab drivers . . "), the cheap junk furniture store owner ("Goes with any decor, as long as the decor is done in orange and lime green"), the over-priced shoe store owner ("A slimy green alien wouldn't be caught dead in them"), the restaurant owner ("We clean most of the dirt off the food we drop on the floor"), the fluffy-headed teen who works at the sunglasses boutique in the mall ("Like, well, it's like your eyes are, like, shut almost when you wear these outside").

Matera the Mad
06-15-2009, 05:09 AM
I can think of a lot of things. I won't even speak of them here. But the puddy-tat's parody-first idea is a goodie :D

Epiphany
06-15-2009, 07:13 AM
A romance or fantasy story that is cliche to the point of tears. Actually, writing anything cliche makes me want to vomit.

ccv707
06-15-2009, 07:24 AM
Anything that doesn't matter. Strictly speaking, adventure story that is just an adventure, horror that's just horror, romance that's just romance, action that's just action. Basically, writing anything just for the sake of writing it. If I'm going to write something, it has to be more than just words.

Plus erotica--from my point of view, utterly pointless.

EDIT: Women's Lit was well...I couldn't imagine writing something that I wouldn't want a variety of people to read. Writing for just a single demographic...nah, not for me.

blacbird
06-15-2009, 07:33 AM
Autobiography or Memoir.

caw

The Lonely One
06-15-2009, 08:06 AM
Autobiography or Memoir.

caw

Agree wholeheartedly. No offense to those types, but that's a different kind of beast, one I don't understand and am not motivated to pursue.

blacbird
06-15-2009, 08:18 AM
Agree wholeheartedly. No offense to those types, but that's a different kind of beast, one I don't understand and am not motivated to pursue.

For me, it's mainly that my life is about as interesting as boiled tofu.

caw

ccv707
06-15-2009, 08:30 AM
I'd like to write a memoir...perhaps some point later in my life. Ditto what blacbird said; need do go through something interesting enough to write about.

Delhomeboy
06-15-2009, 08:31 AM
Autobiography or Memoir.

caw

Agreed. I think there's at least a bit of arrogance involved in writing an Autobiography, whether the writing realizes it or not. Because in the end, it requires the person to say "I'm important enough that someone wants to read about my life."

Anything by Augusten Burroughs is the exception to this rule.

Vincent
06-15-2009, 08:37 AM
Daytime Television.

Fokker Aeroplanbau
06-15-2009, 08:41 AM
Slutty romance novel; half melodrama and half random sex scenes. Seen them in the hands of a few people, took one look and was like "someone actually wrote that?"

I then said some offensive things about the author's mothers, and what the author's should do with a quart of vodka, some rope, and a moment alone in their kitchen.

Haha, just kidding. But really, that whole genre is really a blight...

ccv707
06-15-2009, 08:55 AM
Yes! I abhor most every form of melodrama, and random anything in a story, especially sex, makes my skin crawl. Lazy, lazy writing.

AnonymousWriter
06-15-2009, 10:19 AM
Romance. Vampires--actually, fantasy in general.

Elidibus
06-15-2009, 01:16 PM
How about an Outline?
Or a main character named "Kat" "Cat" "Kitty" or anything else like that.

There really isn't a subject I wouldn't write about. I could do Erotica, but I would totally suck at it. And I may open myself to do Vampires and Werewolves in a few decades when the fad dies down.

On second thought...probably not.

Linda Adams
06-15-2009, 02:31 PM
A detective solving a crime. Don't mind reading it, but writing it? No way. In my subplot dabbles, I very briefly added a crime in my book. It was like pulling teeth to write the new chapter and never went past that. Shortest record for a subplot in my book before it was deleted.

Gratitutious violence. I changed genres so I could avoid this.

KTC
06-15-2009, 02:45 PM
What are the topics you'd rather inflict bodily harm on yourself than write about?

This topic comes up, of course, because I'm three days past deadline for a "meet the merchants" special section to run with our shopper guide here in sunny Southwest Florida.

What am I writing about? Oh. Very kind of you to ask.

How shopping locally effects (or is it affects?) the economy here in good ol' dead-end Lee County.

fluffluffluffluffetc.

It's like nails on a chalkboard writing this kind of stuff. About as riveting as a county commissioner's meeting.

I need to finish this but it's so painful. Plucking quotes, pretending I care whether or not Lee County burns to the ground...

But enough about me. How about you?


I stopped writing for a careers magazine because I didn't give a shit. I wanted to take an electric drill and poke it around inside my head to relieve the pain. The last career I profiled did it for me...I just could not even feign interest. After that I said, 'I'm writing for pleasure. These assignments are not giving me pleasure. They are giving me the exact opposite of pleasure.' I gave it up and moved on to something I could find an interest in. It's just not worth it to me to write about things that don't interest me. That's not why I got into freelancing.

Thump
06-15-2009, 03:02 PM
Anything involving talking animals unless the animals talk only because the character listening to them is insane :D

And I write fantasy...

Phaeal
06-15-2009, 05:12 PM
Yeah, standard nonfiction magazine articles. Especially for little local mags. Ouch. Been there, done that, survived the boredom but just barely. ;)

Memoir? Nope. I wouldn't inflict this on the unsuspecting world.

In fiction? Any bunny that doesn't grab me by the throat and drag me to the keyboard. Luckily I have a lot of aggressive bunnies out back. I do think I'd suck at women's fic and standard romance, probably standard mystery and thriller, too.

Rufus Coppertop
06-15-2009, 09:39 PM
A biography of Ned Kelly.

Anything set in Australia, dependent on bonzer blokes and sheilas being wags and larrikins.

The Lonely One
06-15-2009, 10:29 PM
A biography of Ned Kelly.

Anything set in Australia, dependent on bonzer blokes and sheilas being wags and larrikins.

*gives blank stare.

Not surprisingly, I did a lot of the above action when I spent time with my Aussie friend in Tampa.

I understood when he was ordering a beer, and that he enjoyed cricket enough to emulate the bowling action, but otherwise...

aadams73
06-15-2009, 10:48 PM
Checks.

Actually, I don't think I would write a historical novel. All the research and worrying if I'd "got it right" would bog me down completely.

bettielee
06-15-2009, 10:57 PM
Politics. I would rather chew my own foot off for no reason than have to write about politics.

Adam
06-15-2009, 11:04 PM
Silly answer -
Sparkly vampires.


Serious answer -
Sexual abuse, rape, "torture porn". I won't read it and I won't write it.

Rufus Coppertop
06-15-2009, 11:22 PM
Silly answer -
Sparkly vampires.


Serious answer -
Sexual abuse, rape, "torture porn". I won't read it and I won't write it.

Torture porn? Is there really such a thing?

Adam
06-15-2009, 11:26 PM
Torture porn? Is there really such a thing?

The films Saw 1, 2 and 3 spring to mind. ;)

Kaiser-Kun
06-16-2009, 01:58 AM
I use plenty of magic in fantasy stories, but never magic words. I'd have a hard time yelling "Dumbspellus!" at my enemy with a straight face.

scarletpeaches
06-16-2009, 02:01 AM
Silly answer -
Sparkly vampires.


Serious answer -
Sexual abuse, rape, "torture porn". I won't read it and I won't write it.

I'm assuming you mean the above if it's gratuitous?

What if the story called for it?

(Yes, yes, that old AW chestnut again).

Personally I'm against gratuitous anything - rape, abuse, sparkles, little old ladies in plastic rainhats...ellipses...

Adam
06-16-2009, 02:06 AM
I'm assuming you mean the above if it's gratuitous?

What if the story called for it?

(Yes, yes, that old AW chestnut again).

Personally I'm against gratuitous anything - rape, abuse, sparkles, little old ladies in plastic rainhats...ellipses...

Gratuitous, yes.

If the story calls for it, fine. I have no problem with people writing such things, I just don't wish to read/write it. To each their own etc. :)

Tanya Egan Gibson
06-16-2009, 02:08 AM
Like several previous posters, I wouldn't want to write autobiography/memoir. Honestly, I kind of understand the impulse of all those memoir writers who have been caught making up "the truth" when fact wouldn't have made as good of a story as fiction. That is, I love making things up, so having to stick to the facts would frustrate me endlessly.

Chasing the Horizon
06-16-2009, 03:10 AM
Anything that portrays organized religion in a positive light.

Non-fiction of any kind.

Anything with sexy vampires (evil ones are OK).

F/F porn or erotica.

There are lots of other things I'd suck at writing, but those are the ones you couldn't pay me to attempt.


Torture porn? Is there really such a thing?
Yes, there definitely is. Not that I would ever consider writing it . . .

EFCollins
06-16-2009, 03:16 AM
I'd personally rather shoot myself in the head that has any kind of "good" monster. It's oxymoronic (Yes, I know it's not a word) and just plain stupid/wrong/BS.

cathyfreeze
06-25-2009, 09:21 PM
Anything involving talking animals unless the animals talk only because the character listening to them is insane :D

And I write fantasy...

I'm there, too, except not even if the character's insane, imho. And sparkly vampires!? ::shudder::

i'd poke my eyes out with a spork rather than write kiddy-lit, actually. Of any kind. No way are my characters gonna 'larn' something by the end of the day, even tho they *do* change. S'not the same thing at all. :)

And i didn't think like a 13 yr old when i *was* 13. So no way my characters would be authentic now that i'm a gramma.

cat

Alpha Echo
06-25-2009, 09:31 PM
Erotica - or I would but under a pen name no one I know knows. And I don't think I would be very good at it because words like "his manhood" or her "peaks and valleys" when used to describe sex make me roll my eyes. No offense to anyone who writes it, I just don't think I could. Not that I don't mind reading it once in awhile...

Memoirs - I don't mind writing something like that for theraputic reasons, but I wouldn't want my mom to read some stuff - and that's the stuff you would want to write.

cathyfreeze
06-25-2009, 09:33 PM
I'd personally rather shoot myself in the head that has any kind of "good" monster.

Heh. That's actually mostly what i write. That is, most outsiders seem like "monsters" to an inside group, and I write about the outsiders. (No, not The Outsiders. Hate that book.)

My characters are considered 'monsters'--lamia, gollums, giants, janitors. They're not so much "good" as human--they mean well, most of the time, but they're not angels. Well, and my angels aren't, either. Heh.

cat

TrickyFiction
06-25-2009, 10:57 PM
Death in childbirth as a story driver and/or a convenient way to eliminate a female character. Yucky.

Acoustic
06-25-2009, 11:23 PM
My math teacher in high school made us write these ridiculous essays about calculus and crazy theorem stuff that I didn't understand. I nearly died every time he assigned one of those... I couldn't do my normal homework let alone explain how it all worked...

gothicangel
06-25-2009, 11:53 PM
I have an idea for a thriller around the idea of the Stone of Destiny, but I'm terrified of turning into Dan Brown.

Salis
06-26-2009, 12:16 AM
Genuine, non-satirical romance.

Non-Fiction (oh god, the tyranny of facts).

Like someone else mentioned, memoirs. Look, maybe some people get caught as prisoners of war, live in malaria-infested jungles, etc, but a memoir of my life would be more boring than the Economist reports on world finance. I think most people who write fiction do so because their life is really, really boring.

Mad Queen
06-26-2009, 08:21 AM
I'd personally rather shoot myself in the head that has any kind of "good" monster. It's oxymoronic (Yes, I know it's not a word) and just plain stupid/wrong/BS.
That, and any kind of wish-fulfillment story, especially romance.