get the fish out of your crotch and give it to your sister!

From my former mother-in-law when she gave me some rubbing spices: "You rub it on your meat."

She didn't get why I collapsed in hysterics.

Put it in the second paragraph of a middle-reader and you'll win at least Newbery Honors. Maybe even the medal.

Frequent saying around here:

No, you don't get dessert for eating breakfast!

I'm not kidding. Once a week.

ROFLMAO! That is an excellent story!

wannawrite said:

...It is sort of like a body pillow, and yes, it makes me think of Silver King now. (thank you, btw, for that unsettling image)

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That is unsettling. Your daughter is too young to be hugging such an enormous fish. Glad to hear she relinquished the beast to her older sister.

One time my daughter was doing some form of body torture, showing off how she could twist her frame into different shapes. I watched, amazed at how limber she was. At one point she hooked her arms behind her knees and twisted herself into the shape of a pretzel, her face now very close to her butt.

Her mom walked by and said, "Get your nose out of your ass and go clean up those dishes."

This was said in a most natural tone, as if it were uttered all the time.

Silver King said:

That is unsettling. Your daughter is too young to be hugging such an enormous fish.

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you see? you see what happens when you don't tell me you are going to post? *shakes her head*

Silver King said:

Glad to hear she relinquished the beast to her older sister.

One time my daughter was doing some form of body torture, showing off how she could twist her frame into different shapes. I watched, amazed at how limber she was. At one point she hooked her arms behind her knees and twisted herself into the shape of a pretzel, her face now very close to her butt.

Her mom walked by and said, "Get your nose out of your ass and go clean up those dishes."

This was said in a most natural tone, as if it were uttered all the time.

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LOL. I like your wife.

I know I have at least one story to share - but for the life of me, I can't think of any right now...

My sister's warning to her sons as they were building a skateboard and bike jump ramp:

"Don't come crying to me if you kill yourself."

These are fabulous.

My mom told my daughter that her daddy was going to spank her with a belt if she didn't behave (he's never done that before).

Her response?

"But what color belt?"

Always the little fashionista.

Me to my four children: "What is a bowl of cereal doing in the dresser drawer?"

Just this morning I said to my 6 yro, "climb the wall again. I need to take a picture so your dad believes me when I tell him how you broke your neck"

Human Anatomy and Physiology class--I was lecturing on the different kinds of "skeletal" structures in the body. Besides bones and cartilage, I talked about how solid muscular structures, like the tongue, can become rigid even though they do not have hard skeletal elements (I explained the muscular hydrostat concept). Then I went on to describe fluid skeletons, using the obvious male part that can become rigid by engorging with blood in blood sinuses (I explained the concept of hydrostatic skeletons). After mentioning this specific male example, I said, "But you can't apply that to the tongue" meaning the hydrostatic theory--the tongue is not a fluid-filled structure. As soon as it was out of my mouth (damn, not another one) As soon as I said it, I realized the oops, and hoped no one would pick up on it. A loud snicker from the back of the class brought the class out of control for the next several minutes.

Best line from a student in the Human A&P class: We were demonstrating the structure of a rat testis, and if the capsule is slit just right, with the testis in a saline solution, seminiferous tubules will float out on the surface of the water. A sweet young sorority-type looks in the dissecting microscope and says, "That's beautiful. What is it?" A male student leans in and replies, "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

LOL!

The only weird thing I can think of right now I said to another grownup - I was trying to explain over the phone to a a fellow (and technically-clueless) secretary how to print out something when Windows didn't give you "all the little thingies at the top." (Read: the menu.) I was telling her, more or less, "No, you hit Control-P - no, it's the CTRL key. You hit that and P - no, at the same time, the same time - no not on - listen to me - no, not the screen - no, the keyboard. No---P ON THE KEYBOARD!"

Took me a moment to figure out why my much more clued-in coworker was rolling on the floor laughing.

Not something strange said, but rather done in last night's Hot Yoga class -- Yoga farts. Yes, my Yoga instructor-wife tells me they happen quite frequently, but last night I had the different but related problem-of-the-fart-sound. Hot Yoga is done in a room heated to 90+ degrees and with a rapid succession of poses, so profuse sweating is the outcome, for me in particular (I soak two towels to the ring-it-out state in a 1.25 hour class). In last night's class there were seven students and the instructor (not my wife) in the room. I'm the only male. Problem--the rubberized yoga mat gets wet and when a foot slips or is dragged, an occasional fart-like sound emerges. So what is the normal behavior in such an instance? To ignore it and just get back to concentration and breathing? Or move the foot in that area again to try to duplicate the sound a few more times to show everyone it was the mat and not of bodily origin? Of course, the latter, only to produce a staccato series that would earn a badge and a free beer in male company. So what does one do then? One moves the foot in a more deliberate way to produce more of a slippery, squealing sound that can only come from a wet foot on a rubberized mat. And it did get the wet part right, but not with the rubber mat part. Save me, Warrior Two. Breathe. Relax into the pose... (Never do modified pidgeon again when dripping sweat.)

"Get you hand off your penis and come pick a cereal." Called down an entire Walmart aisle.

LorelieBrown said:

"Get you hand off your penis and come pick a cereal." Called down an entire Walmart aisle.

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"Almost done, Dear. Be there in a minute."
[Hey, it's WalMart.]

That ranks up there with me hollering for my hubby. "Help! The fish is stuck between the wall & the refrigerator!" Only it was a real fish. He didn't want his tank cleaned at the moment apparently & jumped for cover.

Why does the joke when Eve walked into the ocean & God sighs, "Great! Now the fish are all gonna smell like that!" come to mind?

LOL!!!!!

LorelieBrown said:

"Get you hand off your penis and come pick a cereal." Called down an entire Walmart aisle.

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As if I needed another reason to avoid Wal-Mart...

wannawrite said:

OMG...I love this one! More info, please?

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I've got three boys. End of story.

Naw, my middle child had a problem from about 4 to 5 years old. I told him to "Get your hand off your penis" about 15 times a day. It became one of those mom-isms at our house, along the lines of "Turn off the lights" and "Shut the fridge." I didn't even realize how used to saying it I was until one day were were grocery shopping and he wandered to the other end of the aisle to look at Pop-Tarts.

Yes, there were other people there. One other mom, with a little girl in tow, and two soldiers (I live in a military town). And yes, they turned to stare at me.