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Manix
05-30-2009, 05:28 PM
The Doctor is In:

"Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it." Agatha Christie

Manix
05-30-2009, 05:31 PM
Always face downwind to pee.

Manix
05-30-2009, 05:33 PM
If you can't pose as a good example, then stand as a terrible warning.

Manix
05-30-2009, 05:34 PM
"If I had to give young writers advice, I would say don't listen to writers talking about writing or themselves." Lillian Hellman

aadams73
05-30-2009, 05:37 PM
If you can't pose as a good example, then stand as a terrible warning.

I need this on a t-shirt.

Manix
05-30-2009, 05:37 PM
I need this on a t-shirt.

It's something I live by.

alleycat
05-30-2009, 05:39 PM
Doctor, what do you get a woman for her birthday?

Samantha's_Song
05-30-2009, 05:40 PM
Don't pee against the wind,.


Always face downwind to pee.

aadams73
05-30-2009, 05:40 PM
Doctor, what do you get a woman for her birthday?

Antibiotics.

Manix
05-30-2009, 05:41 PM
Doctor, what do you get a woman for her birthday?

You know...the usual gifts.

Manix
05-30-2009, 05:42 PM
"The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself." Oscar Wilde

Manix
05-30-2009, 05:43 PM
Don't pee against the wind,.

Facing upwind whilst peeing is not recommended.

alleycat
05-30-2009, 05:44 PM
You can publish this as Life's Little Destruction Book. Subtitled Bad Advice Your Father Never Told You.

Manix
05-30-2009, 05:45 PM
Antibiotics.

Aw, now that just sounds sick.

Manix
05-30-2009, 05:49 PM
Hey, don't blame me--

"If better were within, better would come out." Thomas Fuller

rhymegirl
05-30-2009, 05:55 PM
What is the secret of life?

Manix
05-30-2009, 05:59 PM
What is the secret of life?

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." Robert Frost

rhymegirl
05-30-2009, 06:05 PM
I like your Emily Dickinson quote. Maybe that's the secret of life?

Manix
05-30-2009, 06:11 PM
I like your Emily Dickinson quote. Maybe that's the secret of life?

Yes, that--along with this:

"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it." W. Somerset Maugham

rhymegirl
05-30-2009, 06:24 PM
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it." W. Somerset Maugham

Good one. That reminds me of something my grandmother used to say to me. "Never get old." I'm trying really hard not to, but...

Manix
05-30-2009, 06:26 PM
Good one. That reminds me of something my grandmother used to say to me. "Never get old." I'm trying really hard not to, but...

"Take it easy -- but take it." Woody Guthrie

Ken
05-30-2009, 06:28 PM
... cats don't like saucers of milk. Only kittens do ^..^

Manix
05-30-2009, 06:32 PM
... cats don't like saucers of milk. Only kittens do ^..^

Okay, advice on a reply to that is gonna cost ya, Ken. Otherwise, I have no response.

Ken
05-30-2009, 06:33 PM
... would you except an IOU ;-)

Manix
05-30-2009, 06:34 PM
... would you except an IOU ;-)

Sure. I'll send my reply COD.

Ken
05-30-2009, 06:38 PM
Ken, to himself: "Crafty little devil, that Manix."

Wayne K
05-30-2009, 06:40 PM
"Don't take any wooden nickles."

Wayne K
05-30-2009, 06:41 PM
Now that, is advice.

Manix
05-30-2009, 06:49 PM
"Don't take any wooden nickles."

"Too bad that all the people who really know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair." George Burns

Angie
05-30-2009, 06:58 PM
I have a wooden nickel collection.

Mr Flibble
05-30-2009, 07:19 PM
Never trust a dog with orange eyebrows.


Oh, how I wish I'd listened to that one....

aadams73
05-30-2009, 07:54 PM
Don't stare at the sun.

brokenfingers
05-30-2009, 08:04 PM
Take the blue pill, not the red pill.

Angie
05-30-2009, 08:06 PM
Take the blue pill, not the red pill.

What happens if I took them both? :eek:

brokenfingers
05-30-2009, 08:15 PM
What happens if I took them both? :eek:Sounds like a question for Dr. Manix.

Angie
05-30-2009, 08:18 PM
It's a question for whoever can answer me before the horrible, horrible side effects kick in.

Manix
05-30-2009, 08:21 PM
What happens if I took them both? :eek:

Blue and red makes purple. Therefore, you will then be able to bend over backward to dodge bullets whilst living in complete oblivion to reality.

Angie
05-30-2009, 08:26 PM
Well, I already live in complete oblivion to reality. But the ability to bend over backward to doge bullets will be nice.

Ambrosia
05-30-2009, 08:33 PM
Stop to smell the roses -- but, watch out for the thorns.

aadams73
05-30-2009, 08:36 PM
Don't get caught in bed with a live boy or a dead hooker.

spamwarrior
05-30-2009, 08:55 PM
When you're bored, remember that boredom can be a case of not being able to find more ways to waste time or procrastinate.

Ambrosia
05-30-2009, 09:08 PM
Don't get caught in bed with a live boy or a dead hooker.
I would amend that to 'don't get caught in bed with a dead boy, either.'

spamwarrior
05-30-2009, 09:25 PM
Why would anyone be caught in bed with a dead boy?
But anyway, that's a no no.

Angie
05-30-2009, 09:27 PM
Personally, I wouldn't be caught in bed with a live hooker either. But that's just me.

robeiae
05-30-2009, 09:37 PM
Why does it hurt when I pee?

spamwarrior
05-30-2009, 10:00 PM
Why does it hurt when I pee?

Go ask a doctor. That or your bladder is too small. *making up stuff*

Angie
05-30-2009, 10:16 PM
Why does it hurt when I pee?

[censored]

Angie
05-30-2009, 10:17 PM
*reports own post*

brokenfingers
05-30-2009, 10:26 PM
Why does it hurt when I pee?Hmmmm, first we need more details.

Do you stand or sit down when you pee?

spamwarrior
05-30-2009, 10:42 PM
What do you do when you pee?

aadams73
05-30-2009, 10:43 PM
Why does it hurt when I pee?

You're holding "it" too tight.

Angie
05-30-2009, 10:45 PM
Hmmmm, first we need more details.

Do you stand or sit down when you pee?

*reports post*


What do you do when you pee?

*reports post, twice*

*reports whole thread, just to be safe*

rhymegirl
05-30-2009, 10:47 PM
This thread is losing its class about now.

Ahem. Where do intellectuals meet for interesting banter?

brokenfingers
05-30-2009, 10:48 PM
This thread is losing its class about now.

Ahem. Where do intellectuals meet for interesting banter?An interesting aside:

Did you notice it occurred right after Rob showed up?

Angie
05-30-2009, 10:49 PM
An interesting aside:

Did you notice it occurred right after Rob showed up?

Not surprising, really.

rhymegirl
05-30-2009, 10:50 PM
An interesting aside:

Did you notice it occurred right after Rob showed up?

Yes indeed.

brokenfingers
05-30-2009, 10:52 PM
Not surprising, really.Well, are you going to just stand there or report him?!?!?!

Angie
05-30-2009, 10:52 PM
I report him all the time. I think he likes it.

vrabinec
05-30-2009, 10:58 PM
Ahem. Where do intellectuals meet for interesting banter?

I've never been invited to one of those meetings. I don't know about guys, but I suspect chicks hold 'em in the bathroom when they run off in a pack at the bar. Because, they always seem to come out smarter. (or, maybe that's the three beers we drink while they're in there. I'm not sure)

spamwarrior
05-30-2009, 11:08 PM
Does beer make you smarter?

aadams73
05-30-2009, 11:09 PM
Does beer make you smarter?

It makes you *think* you're smarter, which is all that matters really.

spamwarrior
05-30-2009, 11:10 PM
Ohhhhhh.

What about drinking and driving?

robeiae
05-30-2009, 11:10 PM
You're holding "it" too tight.
Could be.

*eases grip on Rolling Thunder's neck*

aadams73
05-30-2009, 11:12 PM
Ohhhhhh.

What about drinking and driving?

It makes you think you're a better driver, too. Unfortunately the policemen disagree. Which is all that matters, really.

spamwarrior
05-30-2009, 11:13 PM
I see. :)

I need advice. I want to go to the library, but my family is stuck doing stuff and I can't drive yet. How do I make them take me to the library?

aadams73
05-30-2009, 11:14 PM
I see. :)

I need advice. I want to go to the library, but my family is stuck doing stuff and I can't drive yet. How do I make them take me to the library?

Steal the car. It's better to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

robeiae
05-30-2009, 11:18 PM
I see. :)

I need advice. I want to go to the library, but my family is stuck doing stuff and I can't drive yet. How do I make them take me to the library?Hold your breath until they take you.

One way or another, this will resolve the problem.




Damn, I'm good.

spamwarrior
05-30-2009, 11:25 PM
Why, do you do that? Hold your breath?

I think they wouldn't notice. Too many people in my house.

robeiae
05-30-2009, 11:27 PM
I think they wouldn't notice. Too many people in my house.
Then you'll lose consciousness and forget all about the library.

spamwarrior
05-30-2009, 11:32 PM
HOw do I stop typnig liek tihs?

robeiae
05-30-2009, 11:33 PM
Hold your breath.

spamwarrior
05-30-2009, 11:35 PM
*loses consciousness*

Manix
05-31-2009, 01:19 AM
Cheese and crackers, people...I turn my back for one minute and everything gets shot to sheol. What the Joe are all these PMs from the Mods threatening to lock the Advice column thread? Never mind.

Now--to get back to Rob's question:


Why does it hurt when I pee?

Before I answer that, let me assure you that while I did get my B.S. degree quite recently, the PhD behind my name is the one that assures you of my true credentials.

That being said, the only Doctorial advice I can offer you, Rob, is that you go have your little problem checked out personally with your veterinarian. It is my suspicion, based on everything taken into due consideration that you may indeed be pregnant.

bettielee
05-31-2009, 01:27 AM
I might have to report you, Manix. Someone asked about the meaning of life.

I thought we all decided the answer to the supreme question was 42.

Angie
05-31-2009, 02:02 AM
I thought we all decided the answer to the supreme question was 42.

We did, but we never agreed on what the supreme question was.

robeiae
05-31-2009, 02:07 AM
Nonsense. That "42" crap has been peddled long enough. The correct answer is, of course, 31.

Angie
05-31-2009, 02:09 AM
And a half.

Manix
05-31-2009, 03:16 AM
Nonsense. That "42" crap has been peddled long enough. The correct answer is, of course, 31.

Quite right Rob. The greatest philosophers have met in the mysterious realms of the cosmos and have boiled "the answer" down to its basic quantity, which is a variable expression and which could be expressed in other words as this:

"Life is a process. We are a process. The universe is a process." Anne Wilson Schaef

rhymegirl
05-31-2009, 03:20 AM
I've never been invited to one of those meetings. I don't know about guys, but I suspect chicks hold 'em in the bathroom when they run off in a pack at the bar. Because, they always seem to come out smarter. (or, maybe that's the three beers we drink while they're in there. I'm not sure)

No, we go into the Ladies Room to talk about the jerks guys we've met at the bar.

Manix
05-31-2009, 03:32 AM
Does beer make you smarter?

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About six beers.


http://www.jokefile.co.uk/food_jokes/aftersixbeers.gif

Angie
05-31-2009, 03:35 AM
Thanks a lot. Before that picture rotated, I stood on my head to see what the hell it looked like upside-down. Unfortunately, my chair is a swivel chair. I think I broke something vital.

Samantha's_Song
05-31-2009, 03:36 AM
We do? I usually go in there for a pee, and I'm one of those women that never has to take another one (woman) with her either. oh, and if the women's is full, I'll go into the men's. :D


No, we go into the Ladies Room to talk about the jerks guys we've met at the bar.

rhymegirl
05-31-2009, 03:50 AM
We do? I usually go in there for a pee, and I'm one of those women that never has to take another one (woman) with her either. oh, and if the women's is full, I'll go into the men's. :D

Well, I guess these days I'm in there for the same reason as you. Something about getting older makes one have to go more often.

In my younger days, I was in there for the aforementioned reason.

Kateri
05-31-2009, 03:56 AM
You are good, and so is that poem on your signature. So good. Sorry it hurts when you pee, robeiae. Girls take other girls to the bathroom to make other people think they are not going to the bathroom. We just hang out there and we even talk when we are in the cubicles to each other. (Well, in Australia anyway!).

Manix
05-31-2009, 04:01 AM
Please take note:

Dr. Manix will be out of the office for the rest of the day.
Please leave all words of wisdom/advice you wish to share
at your own discretion.

If you have need of immediate assistance
please call 9-1-1,
or post over in Wayne K's Derailing thread*
Thank you.





*(where someone is even less likely than I am to respond.)

spamwarrior
05-31-2009, 04:41 AM
You are good, and so is that poem on your signature. So good. Sorry it hurts when you pee, robeiae. Girls take other girls to the bathroom to make other people think they are not going to the bathroom. We just hang out there and we even talk when we are in the cubicles to each other. (Well, in Australia anyway!).

Over here in USA we do that too! At least in New England. East Coast. We chat with each other while we're peeing. And then we primp in front of the mirror and talk about our hair, makeup, the shoes we love, and the guys who are so dumb.

Silver King
05-31-2009, 04:57 AM
Over here in USA we do that too! At least in New England. East Coast. We chat with each other while we're peeing. And then we primp in front of the mirror and talk about our hair, makeup, the shoes we love, and the guys who are so dumb.
Hey, Doc, how come I mistakenly thought spamwarrior was male?

(I checked her profile just now to make sure!)

spamwarrior
05-31-2009, 04:59 AM
Hey, Doc, how come I mistakenly thought spamwarrior was male?

(I checked her profile just now to make sure!)

You weren't the only one XD several people here thought I was male... and in another forum I went to, I went by Slush99. People thought I was male.

Angie
05-31-2009, 05:00 AM
Hey, Doc, how come I mistakenly thought spamwarrior was male?

(I checked her profile just now to make sure!)

I made the same mistake! Sorry, spamwarrior.

spamwarrior
05-31-2009, 05:01 AM
No need to apologize.... I'm flattered. :)

Angie
05-31-2009, 05:02 AM
Well, as long as you're happy. :D

Want me to start addressing you as "Sir"? :tongue

bettielee
05-31-2009, 05:13 AM
I think its the little poohey looking avatar.

(kisses :Hug2: spamwarrior)

Silver King
05-31-2009, 05:15 AM
I've always thought I came across as male, but that hasn't stopped a couple of folks from thinking I was female. One person even argued with me and said, "Then why do you have a woman's eye in your profile?"

Gee, I don't know. Why do ya think? It must be because I'm female, right?

That reminds me: I should fill out that profile one of these days...

spamwarrior
05-31-2009, 05:16 AM
I've always thought I came across as male, but that hasn't stopped a couple of folks from thinking I was female. One person even argued with me and said, "Then why do you have a woman's eye in your profile?"

Gee, I don't know. Why do ya think? It must be because I'm female, right?

That reminds me: I should fill out that profile one of these days...

Out on the WWW, anything can happen.

DOOM DOOM DOOM

No, don't address me as "Sir." Address me as "master."

Angie
05-31-2009, 05:19 AM
Sorry, I refuse to address anyone as "master". Just a thing I have. :tongue

And SK -- you're a guy?? O.o

spamwarrior
05-31-2009, 05:24 AM
If not master, then "Awesomeness?"

Sorry, I can only think about tacky things right now XD

Angie
05-31-2009, 05:26 AM
No problem. Tacky is our specialty.

spamwarrior
05-31-2009, 05:45 AM
Good to know that. :)

Angie
05-31-2009, 05:45 AM
I thought it was obvious. :Shrug:

Silver King
05-31-2009, 05:46 AM
And SK -- you're a guy?? O.o
I know it's hard to believe, since my tender, more feminine side is usually on display here. But what is a man to do, change his avatar to a colorful venus flytrap or something?

By the way, where is Doc Manix when we need him? I thought he was on call tonight.

Angie
05-31-2009, 05:47 AM
Please take note:

Dr. Manix will be out of the office for the rest of the day.
Please leave all words of wisdom/advice you wish to share
at your own discretion.

If you have need of immediate assistance
please call 9-1-1,
or post over in Wayne K's Derailing thread*
Thank you.





*(where someone is even less likely than I am to respond.)




You see, he's a typical doctor, on vacation more than he's working.

bettielee
05-31-2009, 05:48 AM
I know. What's this all about opening an advice line and then bailng? Dr. Drew would never do that.

Angie
05-31-2009, 05:51 AM
Perhaps we should just take it over. I'll be the Advice Nurse(tm). Who's got a question?

bettielee
05-31-2009, 05:52 AM
Where do babies come from?

Angie
05-31-2009, 05:56 AM
Duh, that's an easy one. You see, when a mommy and daddy truly love each other and everything is perfect between them, they decide they need a bigger challenge in their lives. So the little elves that live under the floorboards bring them a baby to keep them up all night and ensure that they get no sleep, ever again. I thought everybody knew that.

Silver King
05-31-2009, 05:57 AM
Where do babies come from?
Like Angie said, they come from Hell.

Any other questions while the doctor is out?

Angie
05-31-2009, 05:59 AM
Besides the one you just asked?

bettielee
05-31-2009, 06:09 AM
Uh oh. this is becoming like the derail thread.

C.bronco
05-31-2009, 06:12 AM
Dear Manix,
When will I have a good job offer or book deal? Thanks!

Angie
05-31-2009, 06:21 AM
Uh oh. this is becoming like the derail thread.

Every OP thread eventually becomes like the derail thread. It's one of the Great Office Party Mysteries(tm).

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:03 AM
The Doctor is In:


Hey, Doc, how come I mistakenly thought spamwarrior was male?

(I checked her profile just now to make sure!)



Sk, does this fall under the realm of general advice questions, or the more nebulous sub-forum of "Questions-to-ask-of God-when-I get-to-the-great-beyond (assuming that I do)?

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:04 AM
What is life?

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:04 AM
Dear Manix,
When will I have a good job offer or book deal? Thanks!

I think this one also falls into that nebulousity of "QTAoGWIGTTGB."

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:04 AM
What is a conundrum?

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:05 AM
Who am I, really?

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:05 AM
What is life?


Albert Camus:

"I shall tell you a great secret my friend. Do not wait for the last judgement, it takes place every day."

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:06 AM
Which really came first, the chicken or the McNugget?

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:06 AM
Wayne, you're back logging my circuits here!

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:08 AM
I'm gonna have to get one of those ticket taker machines for you, man.

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:08 AM
If I'm incapable of love, and love is the answer, does that make me the question?

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:09 AM
Or does that make me the Riddler?

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:10 AM
Riddle me this Batman, when is a door not a door?

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:10 AM
Riddle me this Batman, when is a door not a door?

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:10 AM
In the bell jar.

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:11 AM
What is a conundrum?

This is a conundrum:

"People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes." Abigail Van Buren

(You figure it out)

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:12 AM
Wayne, you're asking me to write a book here.

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:16 AM
Who am I, really?

That cannot be answered by mere "advice." Everyone keeps wondering that, Wayne. Who are you?

We see somebody on the outside, but who are you on the inside? (Beyond all those guts and innards and such) What is Wayne's heart? You tell me.

Angie
05-31-2009, 07:17 AM
Isn't that what you're here for?

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:18 AM
Dr. King's people came to him and said "Peaceful protest doesn't work."

He looked at them and said "If this room was on fire and you threw a glass of water in here, would you conclude that water doesn't put out fire?--No, you go get more water."

I'm paraphrasing.

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:19 AM
Sheesh. I'm not a vending machine.

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:20 AM
Dr. King's people came to him and said "Peaceful protest doesn't work."

He looked at them and said "If this room was on fire and you threw a glass of water in here, would you conclude that water doesn't put out fire?--No, you go get more water, you kill them with kindness."

I'm paraphrasing.

I think you could be the Doctor, Wayne. You've got more wisdom than ten men put together.

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:21 AM
My grandmother said something that I am beehooved to share in this thread "If you're an asshole when you drink, and you're drunk all the time, you're an asshole"

I'm paraphrasing.

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:22 AM
I think you could be the Doctor, Wayne. You've got more wisdom than ten men put together.

I'm only sharing what Dr. King gave to me.

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:22 AM
Which really came first, the chicken or the McNugget?

See, this is one of those things to ask of the Almighty, or maybe of one of the Mods. But it's making me mighty hungry.

Angie
05-31-2009, 07:22 AM
Sheesh. I'm not a vending machine.

Oh. Darn. *puts quarters back in pocket*

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:23 AM
I read his personal diary with a friend at the American Bible Society. It was beautiful stuff. Tom Pike was a friend of mine and was a friend of Dr. King's.

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:24 AM
My grandmother said something that I am beehooved to share in this thread "If you're an asshole when you drink, and you're drunk all the time, you're an asshole"

I'm paraphrasing.

You've got to be one of the most non-violent, peaceful, big-hearted assholes I know, then Wayne.;)

Angie
05-31-2009, 07:24 AM
My grandmother said something that I am beehooved to share in this thread "If you're an asshole when you drink, and you're drunk all the time, you're an asshole"

I'm paraphrasing.

That needs to be on a Tshirt.

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:25 AM
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Women! What can you say? Who made 'em? God must have been a fuckin' genius. The hair... They say the hair is everything, you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls... just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips... and when they touched, yours were like... that first swallow of wine... after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hoo-ah! Big ones, little ones, nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm. Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns... or secondhand Steinways. What's between 'em... passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr Sims, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing: pussy. Hah! Are you listenin' to me, son? I'm givin' ya pearls here.

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:28 AM
I'm handing over the Doctor's hat to Wayne for a minute. Tell me Dr. Wayne, how do I find out what's really going on internally, when all I can see is the banged up, bruised, bleeding carnage of their outer shell? What about the internal organs? Are those intact, or is there hemorraging inside?

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:28 AM
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Out of order, I show you out of order. You don't know what out of order is, Mr. Trask. I'd show you, but I'm too old, I'm too tired, I'm too fuckin' blind. If I were the man I was five years ago, I'd take a FLAMETHROWER to this place! Out of order? Who the hell do you think you're talkin' to? I've been around, you know? There was a time I could see. And I have seen. Boys like these, younger than these, their arms torn out, their legs ripped off. But there isn't nothin' like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:29 AM
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: I know exactly where your body is. What I'm looking for is some indication of a brain. Too much football without a helmet? Hah! Lyndon's line on Gerry Ford. Deputy debriefer, Paris, peace talks, '68. Snagged a silver star and a silver bar. Threw me into G-2.

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:30 AM
Boys like these, younger than these, their arms torn out, their legs ripped off. But there isn't nothin' like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that

Yeah, like that stuff. The amputated spirit. Tell me, Dr. Wayne. How do you pull out somebody's spirit to operate?

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:30 AM
Lt. Frank Slade: Don't shrug at me you idiot, I'm blind.

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:31 AM
Yeah, like that stuff. The amputated spirit. Tell me, Dr. Wayne. How do you pull out somebody's spirit to operate?

I wrote a book about it, dinna tell ya?

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:32 AM
Lt. Frank Slade: Don't shrug at me you idiot, I'm blind.

Dr. Wayne, you're so blind, you're not even reading the posts.

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:32 AM
A Life Gone Awry: A Soliloquy of Love and Hate.

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:33 AM
I wrote a book about it, dinna tell ya?

That book. It's gonna be a best seller, that's for damn sure.

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:33 AM
Now I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew, but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard. Now here's Charlie. He's come to the cross-roads. He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey.

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:34 AM
Now I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew, but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard. Now here's Charlie. He's come to the cross-roads. He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey.

Who's Charlie?

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:35 AM
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: [Randy brings Frank a glass of whiskey] Thank you Randy. You still with Snowqueen Sugar?
Randy: Snowflake. How come you always get that wrong?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Because it's not important for me to get it right.

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:36 AM
Who's Charlie?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000199/): It's all right Charlie. You break my heart son. All my life I've stood up to everyone and everything because it made me feel *important*. You do it... because you mean it. You've got integrity Charlie. I don't know whether to shoot you or adopt ya.

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:37 AM
You know why? It was too damn hard.

The path ain't up to you. You got that. You're goin' about it all wrong.

Let go of that.

It ain't up to nobody on this planet.

You can't work your way down the Yellow Brick Road, man. That's a fallacy.

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:40 AM
You know, King was right. You put out the fire one glass at a time, but the fire still burns.

It always burns.

But that doesn't mean it's not worth the fight.

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:42 AM
A Life Gone Awry: A Soliloquy of Love and Hate.

What is a Soliloquy, anyway?

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:44 AM
What is a Soliloquy, anyway?

If you write a soliloquy does that mean you talk to yourself?

If you talk to yourself, are you crazy?

Angie
05-31-2009, 07:46 AM
Yes.

No.

Shut up.

No, you shut up!

Who asked you to butt in??

Manix
05-31-2009, 07:48 AM
Okay good. Then I'm done talkin' to myself. I'll be handing over the philosophicalization to some other person more worthy of the great honor.

I'm off to work on myself for a bit...

Ta-ta.:)

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 07:51 AM
1 : the act of talking to oneself
2 : a dramatic monologue that represents a series of unspoken reflections

rhymegirl
05-31-2009, 07:56 AM
Who's Charlie?

Ooh ooh! I know! He's a character in the movie Wayne is quoting from.

The one with the blind guy. Um, what's it called? The Scent of a Woman

Charlie is played by Chris O'Donnell

Ambrosia
05-31-2009, 08:58 AM
If you write a soliloquy does that mean you talk to yourself?Probably.


If you talk to yourself, are you crazy?No. People talk to themselves all the time. It is the answering of one's self that causes the brain to start wacking out.

spamwarrior
05-31-2009, 02:12 PM
What Ambrosia said.

aadams73
05-31-2009, 02:32 PM
No. People talk to themselves all the time. It is the answering of one's self that causes the brain to start wacking out.

In that case, I'm in seriously deep doo-doo. I'd say "shit" but that wouldn't be very ladylike.

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 02:36 PM
People think I talk to myself, but I don't.

I talk to God out loud.

Is that crazy?

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 02:53 PM
I won't take no answer for an answer.

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 02:53 PM
I vote yes.

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 02:54 PM
...and no.

Manix
05-31-2009, 03:09 PM
Dr. Manix is currently away from the office. That is all. Carry on.


p.s.:

For psychological analysis, please visit the "Thread Which Shows No Signs of Death...etc," thread.

For Consultation during bouts of Depression, see Susie's Chocolate Cheeseheads thread.

For psychic readings, see Haggis.

For sexual dysfunction, see SilverKing.

For all other inquiries, please be advised--Dr. Manix's thread is only intended to dish out free advice. (All violaters will be charged.)

All other exclusions apply*

*Such as, questions about:
The origins of the Universe
Where babies come from
Why we are here
How much wood can woodchucks chuck
Why Cray doesn't need a battery charger
Why RT's avatar is so attractive
Why Scarletpeaches sparkles
Etc.

Angie
05-31-2009, 04:05 PM
*Such as, questions about:
The origins of the Universe
Where babies come from
Why we are here
How much wood can woodchucks chuck
Why Cray doesn't need a battery charger
Why RT's avatar is so attractive
Why Scarletpeaches sparkles
Etc.

Pfft. We already answered that one for ourselves. Pay attention. :tongue

DL Hegel
05-31-2009, 08:59 PM
Dear Dr. Manix,

Why do men keep showing up in my front yard bushes with bazookas and boxes of candy?

bettielee
05-31-2009, 10:05 PM
Wow DL. You must be dead sexy! I get guys with bazookas. No candy.

Manix
05-31-2009, 10:21 PM
Dear Dr. Manix,

Why do men keep showing up in my front yard bushes with bazookas and boxes of candy?

It's really quite obvious. They suspect you are the one responsible for spreading the swine flu virus via Russell Stover's.

Probable cause: Your mother-in-law really, really didn't like that comment you let slip about her new pumps last Mother's Day. (It's a set up, Run!)

http://le.cos.free.fr/photo/unit%E9s/swat/SWAT93.jpg

DL Hegel
05-31-2009, 10:53 PM
Wow DL. You must be dead sexy! I get guys with bazookas. No candy. giggle:) they do have candy for you---they forgot it in the car:D they never show up with bazookas unless they have candy:D


It's really quite obvious. They suspect you are the one responsible for spreading the swine flu virus via Russell Stover's.

Probable cause: Your mother-in-law really, really didn't like that comment you let slip about her new pumps last Mother's Day. (It's a set up, Run!)

http://le.cos.free.fr/photo/unit%E9s/swat/SWAT93.jpg


have we met?

aadams73
05-31-2009, 10:55 PM
Dear Dr. Manix,

Why do men keep showing up in my front yard bushes with bazookas and boxes of candy?

They're trying to give you a good writing prompt. :D

Wayne K
05-31-2009, 10:58 PM
If someone shows up at my door without candy, they better have a bazooka.

bettielee
05-31-2009, 11:01 PM
Yeah!

brokenfingers
05-31-2009, 11:19 PM
Dear Dr. Manix,

Why do men keep showing up in my front yard bushes with bazookas and boxes of candy?If they have a bazooka in their pocket, they're probably just glad to see you.

DL Hegel
05-31-2009, 11:30 PM
If they have a bazooka in their pocket, they're probably just glad to see you.

good point:ROFL:



Note to self: I got to watch my metaphors.

Angie
06-01-2009, 04:54 AM
Dear Dr. Manix,

Why do men keep showing up in my front yard bushes with bazookas and boxes of candy?

Oh, that's my doing. The bazookas were a gift. I told them they'd better bring candy too because you'd need a sugar fix after blowing up all the neighborhood flamingoes with the bazookas. ;)


If they have a bazooka in their pocket, they're probably just glad to see you.

That too.

DL Hegel
06-01-2009, 06:03 AM
Oh, that's my doing. The bazookas were a gift. I told them they'd better bring candy too because you'd need a sugar fix after blowing up all the neighborhood flamingoes with the bazookas. ;)



Thanks Angie, you are the best. Death to the pink plague!!!

Angie
06-01-2009, 05:28 PM
Thanks Angie, you are the best. Death to the pink plague!!!

Here, they're even testing it for you...

http://i224.photobucket.com/albums/dd134/mymotherwasahamster/bazooka1.jpg

Ken
06-01-2009, 06:06 PM
"To be human is to err.
Or was it the other way around?

spamwarrior
06-01-2009, 06:07 PM
"To be human is to err.
Or was it the other way around?

I think that's right...

Manix
06-01-2009, 06:25 PM
"To be human is to err.
Or was it the other way around?

To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.

Ken
06-01-2009, 06:56 PM
finally got some advice out of Doc Manix :-)
Now to put it to use ...

Angie
06-01-2009, 07:21 PM
Dear Dr. Manix:

For the past two weeks I have been hearing the scrabbling of mice in the walls of my house. My cat seems largely unconcerned, but the noise has been getting worse and worse, until I have to sleep with cotton balls in my ears, headphones at full blast, and a pillow over my head. I'm convinced these mice are in the process of building a Doomsday Device(tm) inside the wall of my living room, and will soon use it to finally, once and for all, effect their takeover of the United States and, ultimately, the world.

My question is this: Should I switch to decaf?

Thanking you in advance.

Signed,
Psycho Concerned in Iowa.

spamwarrior
06-01-2009, 08:47 PM
Dear Concerned in Iowa:

I advise you to switch to decaf.

Signed,
Spamwarrior

bettielee
06-01-2009, 10:07 PM
Dear Iowa,

have you considered the fact the mice might be trying to smother you? Do not, do not plug up your nose, I do not care how offensive the odors become.

bettielee

bettielee
06-01-2009, 11:01 PM
Is the doctor not in the house?

Manix
06-01-2009, 11:23 PM
Dear Dr. Manix:

For the past two weeks I have been hearing the scrabbling of mice in the walls of my house. My cat seems largely unconcerned, but the noise has been getting worse and worse, until I have to sleep with cotton balls in my ears, headphones at full blast, and a pillow over my head. I'm convinced these mice are in the process of building a Doomsday Device(tm) inside the wall of my living room, and will soon use it to finally, once and for all, effect their takeover of the United States and, ultimately, the world.

My question is this: Should I switch to decaf?

Thanking you in advance.

Signed,
Psycho Concerned in Iowa.

Do you, perchance, happen to live near Taos New Mexico?

Manix
06-01-2009, 11:25 PM
Is the doctor not in the house?

Um...I dunno. The light is on but...

bettielee
06-01-2009, 11:26 PM
the dumwaiter doesn't go all the way to the top? Is that what you're trying to tell me?

Manix
06-01-2009, 11:31 PM
I think I need to go sharpen my crayon.

BRB.

Manix
06-02-2009, 01:28 AM
Advice for the Day:

"You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice." ~Steven D. Woodhull

Manix
06-02-2009, 01:35 AM
Dear Dr. Manix:

For the past two weeks I have been hearing the scrabbling of mice in the walls of my house. My cat seems largely unconcerned, but the noise has been getting worse and worse, until I have to sleep with cotton balls in my ears, headphones at full blast, and a pillow over my head. I'm convinced these mice are in the process of building a Doomsday Device(tm) inside the wall of my living room, and will soon use it to finally, once and for all, effect their takeover of the United States and, ultimately, the world.

My question is this: Should I switch to decaf?

Thanking you in advance.

Signed,
Psycho Concerned in Iowa.

Now, to get back to Iowa's problem...

Dear concerned in Iowa:

1) If the cat is not concerned, it is obviously a conspiracy.

2) Under no circumstances should you switch to decaf. I recommend a double shot of strong espresso, preferably with Bailey's

3) Face it--You are surrounded by the enemy. You must take immediate action.

4) Mice will live anywhere warm, quiet and close to food. They have the ability to squeeze through openings the size of a US dime (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dime_%28U.S._coin%29) to get inside walls, ceilings, underneath fixtures, behind and under cabinets - you name it, they might be there.

5) Do not be fooled by this innocent demeanor. The threat is very real.
http://www.howtogetridofstuff.com/wp-content/uploads/how-to-get-rid-of-mice.jpg

6) Your only recourse is to call in the exTerminator.http://photodrive.qool.com/images/5/mouse%20trap020.jpg

C.bronco
06-02-2009, 06:41 AM
Which really came first, the chicken or the McNugget?
The McNugget came first, which gav entry to the great chicken franchise. They followed up with all of that low-fat stuff which sealed the deal.

It isn't fair to pork!

Wayne K
06-02-2009, 01:39 PM
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice.

Wayne K
06-02-2009, 01:41 PM
Thomas Jefferson:
A Decalogue of Canons for observation in practical life:
1. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.
2. Never trouble another for what you can do yourself.
3. Never spend your money before you have it.
4. Never buy what you do not want, because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
5. Pride costs us more than hunger, thirst, and cold.
6. We never repent of having eaten too little.
7. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.
8. How much pain have cost us the evils which never have happened.
9. Take things always by their smooth handle.
10. When angry, count ten, before you speak; if very angry, an hundred.
(letter to Thomas Jefferson Smith, 1825)

Wayne K
06-02-2009, 02:02 PM
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

aadams73
06-02-2009, 04:07 PM
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

spamwarrior
06-02-2009, 08:07 PM
I think I need to go sharpen my crayon.

BRB.

What color is it? Yellow?

Button
06-02-2009, 08:11 PM
Never try anything someone tells you 'should be good'.

"How long has this meatloaf been in the fridge?"
"Should be good."

"How safe is this boat?"
"Should be good."

"How old is this condom?"
"Should be good."

spamwarrior
06-02-2009, 08:18 PM
Means that you might die, but you might not.

Button
06-02-2009, 08:18 PM
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

To die will be an awfully big adventure.

Manix
06-02-2009, 10:03 PM
Today's advice got lost in translation somewhere along the way:

Lost in translation
Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists:
Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Doctor's office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: Cooles and Heates: if you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.
In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
In the grounds of a Nairobi private school: No trespassing without permission.
In a Mumbai restaurant: Open seven days a week, and weekends too.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a masc. hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Hotel, Zurich: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: Take one of our horse-driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
In a Japanese cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves

bettielee
06-02-2009, 10:09 PM
That gave me quite a giggle.

Angie
06-02-2009, 10:42 PM
In a Japanese cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves


:roll: :roll:

spamwarrior
06-03-2009, 01:44 AM
I love it when things get lost in translation. I have lots of cute Asian (Japanese, Taiwanese, Korean) stationery and everything gets lost in translation. Or simply just really bad English.

Here:

(On a notebook) Trust that this brand will be respected by people over the world as thesignature brand of the Land of the ZHAOYANG

I might get lucky.If i shine up my old act get ypu to trust me. prove I can do better than that It's been such a long time.

Forthright Letter Packages

Drop me when you have something. For you

Happiness, start from the heart.

I always beside you when you put me into your heart

You are the angle of your life.

bettielee
06-03-2009, 02:39 AM
I had a Japanese pen pal that sent me a gum package with some stickers inside. It said "for etiquette" on it. I always thought that was weird, cuz chewing gum is considered quite rude by some people.

spamwarrior
06-03-2009, 02:42 AM
I had a Japanese pen pal that sent me a gum package with some stickers inside. It said "for etiquette" on it. I always thought that was weird, cuz chewing gum is considered quite rude by some people.

Unless you have bad breath and you chew minty gum.

bettielee
06-03-2009, 03:07 AM
It was apple flavored. Does that count?

Manix
06-03-2009, 03:31 AM
Poof be gone your breath is too strong.
Wait come back you need a tic tac.
Don't mean to be mean but you need some Listerine,
not a sip not a swallow but the whole f'ing bottle.

spamwarrior
06-03-2009, 04:08 AM
You drink Listerine? Isn't that bad for you?

wannawrite
06-03-2009, 04:12 AM
Have you talked to the guy? Can't be good for him.

bettielee
06-03-2009, 05:52 AM
Oh, Manix, you poet,
You flaunted, you know it.
But bad breath?
so common,
it's beneath you,
my darlin'.
Now quests and knight errants,
there's a subject worth knowing,
it fits you, its perfect
(but your scabbard is showing!)

bettielee
06-03-2009, 06:06 AM
There's more where that came from. Oh yes. There is.

Angie
06-03-2009, 08:00 AM
Oh dear.

bettielee
06-03-2009, 08:05 AM
I know.

Manix
06-03-2009, 06:18 PM
Advice for the day:

The next time someone tells you your antenna doesn't pick up all the channels, get a clue--they really aren't telling you to get cable.

Trust me on this one.

In other words, you're:

One beer short of a six pack
You don't have all your cornflakes in one box
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
Not the coldest beer in the fridge
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl

Make note of it.

Button
06-03-2009, 06:29 PM
If I had a wooden nickel for every time I heard that...

Manix
06-03-2009, 06:32 PM
Also, some cooking advice:

Top 12 Signs You Are Not a Good Cook

1. Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.

2. The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.

3. Jack Kevorkian keeps writing asking for recipes.

4. Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual
Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.

5. The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast nook.

6. You're leftovers don't have an expiration date... they have a
half life.

7. After all this time, it turns out recipes are calling for
*chicken* eggs.

8. First day in the kitchen your job was "toast the bread". Then
you were downgraded to "cut the bread". Now it's simply "stop
the bleeding."

9. Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book and
proceeds to beat you with it.

10.Your Chicken a La King is served on a bed of gray hair.

11.The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe
as a repair compound for leaky battleships.

12.Your meals look like the picture on the cover of a magazine
Aviation Disaster Weekly.

by Kyle Pickett

Button
06-03-2009, 06:46 PM
Top 12 13 Signs You Are Not a Good Cook



13. If you're constantly telling people, "This food should be good."

Mela
06-03-2009, 08:34 PM
Never listen when they say, "Don't worry about it."

aadams73
06-03-2009, 08:42 PM
Courtesy of my best girl friend: Don't make a man beg, unless it's for his life.

Button
06-03-2009, 09:40 PM
Never trust me when I say "hang on" while driving, but please don't scream too loud.

spamwarrior
06-03-2009, 10:07 PM
I don't scream.

Button
06-03-2009, 10:13 PM
I don't scream.

Me, either! Not even on roller coasters. Which gets me odd looks sometimes... Friends say it's not natural.

spamwarrior
06-03-2009, 10:25 PM
Me, either! Not even on roller coasters. Which gets me odd looks sometimes... Friends say it's not natural.

What really gets me is the girls who start screaming before the rollercoaster starts moving. :D I really don't get that.

Wayne K
06-03-2009, 10:48 PM
Courtesy of my best girl friend: Don't make a man beg, unless it's for his life.

Wrong.


I don't scream.

What if I beg?

spamwarrior
06-03-2009, 10:49 PM
Nope. I only make odd squealing noises.

Wayne K
06-03-2009, 10:49 PM
What really gets me is the girls who start screaming before the rollercoaster starts moving. :D I really don't get that.
Oh.
Forget it.

spamwarrior
06-03-2009, 10:51 PM
I think they were practicing. I'm not sure.

Button
06-03-2009, 10:53 PM
What really gets me is the girls who start screaming before the rollercoaster starts moving. I really don't get that.




Oh.
Forget it.

*sudden dirty thoughts --- laughs herself right out of this thread*

spamwarrior
06-03-2009, 10:55 PM
Did I say something potentially embarrassing? O.o

Angie
06-04-2009, 12:18 AM
Anything you say here can be used against you in an embarrassing way.

Wayne K
06-04-2009, 12:20 AM
Everything said here has been used against me in an embarrassing way.

Button
06-04-2009, 12:22 AM
My dirty thoughts embarrasses everyone around me. Not me, because I'm immune.

Angie
06-04-2009, 12:23 AM
That's because you're so cute when you blush. :tongue

Angie
06-04-2009, 12:23 AM
That was meant for Wayne.

Manix
06-04-2009, 12:35 AM
Come on, people. We need more posters who post posts about advice. You know, for other posters who post here. So get with the program. Starting posting some advice to the lovelorn, or how to get spots out of your socks or help Robeoeo with his pit stained shirt problem! We're in this together team!

Go, go, go!

spamwarrior
06-04-2009, 12:37 AM
How do I keep from saying potentially embarrassing things?

Manix
06-04-2009, 12:40 AM
How do I keep from saying potentially embarrassing things?

Buy a bark collar.

aadams73
06-04-2009, 12:42 AM
Dear Dr. Manix,

I accidentally ran over my neighbor thirty times, then he fell and hit his head on a sledgehammer. Who knew the human body held that much blood. My question is this: do I want chicken or steak for dinner?

Manix
06-04-2009, 12:48 AM
Dear Dr. Manix,

I accidentally ran over my neighbor thirty times, then he fell and hit his head on a sledgehammer. Who knew the human body held that much blood. My question is this: do I want chicken or steak for dinner?

aadams, you are a sick, sick puppy. Flip a coin. Heads, it's steak, tails, chicken.

Button
06-04-2009, 01:10 AM
I use ennie meanie miney moe for nearly every indecisive moment. It works well for choosing what to have for dinner, which movie to watch, and what I want to happen next to my novel characters.

It sometimes doesn't work so well when trying to choose between two men to date, which car to buy, or which medication I should take for a headache.

Button
06-04-2009, 01:13 AM
Manix, I might be spending too much time on this forum. I also tend to make nearly offensive comments. Any help?

By the way, I originally misspelled your name as Manic while typing this.

Seaclusion
06-04-2009, 01:19 AM
When I left home as a young man my father said he had nothing to give me but this advice:

1. Never draw to an inside straight.

2. Never wear a green suit.

3. Never teach your girlfriend/wife how to shoot a gun. She may use it on you.

Richard

bettielee
06-04-2009, 01:22 AM
Dr. Manix,
what is this thing on my wing?

Manix
06-04-2009, 01:25 AM
Manix, I might be spending too much time on this forum. I also tend to make nearly offensive comments. Any help?

By the way, I originally misspelled your name as Manic while typing this.

My advice is go away. Now.

(just kidding.)

p.s., contrary to any rumors, my user name was not a derivative of "manic"--'tho that might have been a good guess, but rather, it was the name of a large manx cat I once knew.

Manix
06-04-2009, 01:26 AM
When I left home as a young man my father said he had nothing to give me but this advice:

1. Never draw to an inside straight.

2. Never wear a green suit.

3. Never teach your girlfriend/wife how to shoot a gun. She may use it on you.

Richard

Your father was a wise, wise man. Listen to your elders.