View Full Version : Witty repartee - (Language warning)

05-24-2009, 09:39 PM
Post some examples of your wittiest conversation between characters.

I'll start it off:

From my detective thriller, Silvertongue -

“Serena McDonald?” Skylar asked.

The woman nodded. “Yes, I’m Serene.”

“Sorry, Ma’am, I thought it was Serena. My partner’s handwriting is for shit.” He waved the post-it note for her to see. He leaned in close to her and stage-whispered loudly, “Not his fault though I guess. All that medication he takes for his Erectile Dysfunction, it makes his hands shake something terrible.”

Valentine turned red with embarrassment and turned to his new partner, “What the fu-?”

“Anyway, Ma’am,” Skylar continued in a goody-goody boy scout voice, “ we’re here regarding your call. You mentioned something about a problem with money missing from a bank account?”

Valentine looked at Skylar and wanted to choke him. He knew that his blushing made it look as if he was embarrassed about the E D remark. And, looking embarrassed of course, made it look as if the remark was true, which is wasn’t. He fought down the urge to pull his nine and pistol-whip his new partner. The woman looked at Valentine, an up and down, full body scan, clearly checking him out, and she gave him a pitying look. He blushed again. That, of course, made him look even more like a Viagra customer. Fuck. What the hell was this kid’s problem? This kid needed a lesson. Something a helluva lot more serious than a Viagra-joke-series embarrassment.

“Well, you boys come on in and I’ll explain it. It’s a rather complicated thing.” She said as she led them inside.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Skylar smirking a shit-eating smile at him as they walked through the living room. Valentine mouthed the words bite me.

The living room was enormous. One of those vaulted ceiling jobs with exposed stone and a see-through fireplace big enough to BBQ an entire steer in. She led them through the living room and through sliding glass doors to the pool area. They sat on outdoor furniture that looked better than the indoor furniture that Valentine had just spent three years paying off. Furniture that he no longer owned, he reminded himself.

“If you have a pool-boy, Ma’am, it might be best to tell him to take a break. . .” Valentine said as they walked, “. . .we can’t really afford another incident like last month, what with my partner and his strange urges. The department shrink, not to mention the legal department, are still scrambling over that mess.”

The woman gave Skylar an amused look. Skylar mouthed fuck you to Valentine and Valentine grinned broadly.

“I take it that you boys consider yourselves to be an amusing frick and frack duo of some sorts?” Serene said wryly. “. . . sort of the urban Hope and Crosby on the Road? Or maybe you’re reviving the Riggs and Murtaugh camaraderie shtick from Lethal Weapon one?”

Skylar raised his eyebrows and looked at Valentine.

They settled in around the table next to the pool, and a Hispanic woman came out.

“Would you boys like some coffee and pastry?” Serene asked them.

“Sure.” Valentine said, “That sounds great, thanks.”

The Hispanic woman went back into the house and Serene looked at them.

“Okay, I guess now I better explain why I called you out here, huh?”

“Yeah, let’s hear it. All we’ve been told is that you had some problems with a bank account?” Skylar said.

Serene nodded and turned more to face him, and Valentine’s blood pressure ticked up a notch. He already had a laundry list of things to say to this kid about their so-called ‘partnership’ the next time he got him alone. He was definitely going to have a Come to Jesusmeeting with him, that’s for sure. Two things he hated. Being ignored, which these two were doing right now, and pushy people, which this Skylar kid had all the earmarks of being. Right off the bat, he was giving off bad impressions, in huge waves. Didn’t his momma teach him anything?

“Actually,” Valentine spoke up, determined to steer this thing back on course. He had set ways that he did interviews, and this one was already headed off-course. “I’m going to ask the questions if you don’t mind.” He said to his new partner, who gave him another shit-eating grin that Valentine was already tired of.

“Looks like you boys have some Alpha Male issues to work out.” Serene grinned and winked at Skylar.

Valentine gave an inward groan and fixed her with his steeliest stare. The one that had made hundreds of perps confess to all sorts of crimes against humanity.

She batted her eyes back at him, mockingly so, and then squinted fiercely at him. It came off at cutely sexy, and flirtatious, and embarrassed, he blushed again. She laughed out loud.

“Look boys,” she said, “Good-cop, bad-cop may work with your typical South Dallas crack-hound, but I think you can dispense with that stuff with me, it’s just a little too old-school. Does it really ever work anyway?”

“Crack-head.” Skylar corrected her.

“What?” she looked puzzled.

“Crack-head. It’s crack-head and pussy-hound. You got ‘em mixed up.” Skylar winked at her.

She waved her hand dismissively, "Well, maybe the criminal element is multi-tasking nowdays."

Ol' Fashioned Girl
05-24-2009, 10:38 PM
Doncha hate it when you've got all your mojo workin' and you're in the groove and all that great dialog flows like honey and you wanna throw it out there for the universe to see and share some of their own mojo honey groove... and at the last minute you have a brain fart and stick it in the wrong place? :D

With Mr. Sinclair's consultation, we'll be moving to - if not the right place - a better place than the Bargain Board.

I'm given ye all she's got, Cap'n! We're riskin' the dilithium crystals as it is! Hang on!