My son is on tour with his band (I am Ghost) and my daughter lives 500 miles away, so my sister said she'd entertain me. I think she said Steaks, otherwise I wouldn't be doing anything. Happy Mothers Day.!!
The scary thing is- I've said those exact words to my mom. But this was written before I was born. I really was the model child. I have no idea how my children got this way. It must come from their dad. BTW, we're barbecuing.When I was young and full of smarts
and older than my years,
Anyway those were my thoughts,
very straight, perfectly clear.
Anyone could see that I
was such a darling child.
Compared to me,dripping honey
was very, very mild.
When I grow up, I'm going to be
the sweetest Mother ever.
I'll never scold, never spank,
never need a lever.
"Why, Mama," I said, "my kids are
going to be every bit as good as me!"
And Mama smiled. "Yes," said she,
"I'll wait to see how it's going to be."
Now, tomorrow is Mother's Day, and
here I am with three.
But Mama, stop that smiling,
they really aren't like me!
They yell, they fight,
they drive me wild, and I
was such a darling child!
Now Mama, stop that smiling.
It's hard to be the greatest ever.
Oh dear, there they go again,
Now, where did I put that lever.
I'm going to take a Barbie doll and pretend its my Mother (and for Father's Day, I have a Ken doll for Pops) and I'm going to find long hat pins (that should really hurt) and for each mean thing she did to me (like ignoring me, letting me live in filth when SHE had a perfectly good apartment in a decent neighborhood) I'm going to jab the pin into her heart real good and twist it around like Chubby Checker and call her names like Dumb B*tch, Selfish Pig, Greedy Fortune Seeker (actually those are rather nice names) then I'm going to yank her hair out strand by painful strand, stab her in the eyes like Bateman in American Psycho and pull an arm out of the socket and stomp on her and grab her by the legs and slam her up and down on (my neighbor will wonder WTF I'm doing) and then throw her on the floor and give her a leg drop and an elbow drop (I'll have to aim carefully) then a piledriver (that should snap her head off) then I'll pick up the pieces and toss the rest of her in the oven until crispy (or until the smoke alarm sounds, whichever is sooner). May she rest in hell.
Now, how many "ands" did I use? Haha.
Happy Mommy's day to everyone else!