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Inarticulate Babbler
05-06-2009, 12:14 AM
Joke I had to share...
Katie Couric , Charlie Gibson , Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken.
Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York, so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.

He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?

'Kick me in the a$$,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No. I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the a$$,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the a$$.

The Marine went sprawling, rolled to his knees and pulled out a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took from his enemy, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the a$$?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three a$$holes report that I was the aggressor....?'

Silver King
05-06-2009, 03:24 AM
I thought jokes were supposed to be funny. Maybe this one is just too long and could use some serious editing. Or maybe after a few more beers, I'll find the humor that appears to be lacking...

brokenfingers
05-06-2009, 03:32 AM
Humor's a pretty subjective thing.

I found it funny.

Izz
05-06-2009, 03:34 AM
This joke is rich - there's $s everywhere.

Silver King
05-06-2009, 03:41 AM
Humor's a pretty subjective thing.

I found it funny.
I like the punch line, but it seemed like it took forever to get there. And you're right: humor is subjective. Also, it's very difficult to translate jokes into writing. What might appear mundane on the page can be hilarious when heard instead of read.

Mr. Anonymous
05-06-2009, 03:46 AM
I thought it was amusing, though in a very jab at the liberals sort of way. It probably gets funnier the farther right you are. lol.

stormie
05-06-2009, 03:52 AM
I have to admit, I read the beginning, skipped to the end, then read the middle. So I lost the humor that might have been there. Sorry!

Maybe I should have more shots of schnapps on ice tonight. (Try saying that three times fast.)

Ol' Fashioned Girl
05-06-2009, 04:01 AM
I'm lovin' it. I even read it to Ol' Boy, who loved it, too. I'm gonna copy it to my bird colonel (ret.) Green Beret brother who I know will love it more than we did.

Wayne K
05-06-2009, 04:06 AM
I'm not feeling very cheery so I didn't find it very funny either. I'm going to take SK's suggestion: get drunk and read it again.:D

Inarticulate Babbler
05-06-2009, 07:47 AM
Wow, I lost a rep point for sharing a joke, eh? Interesting. It only makes me want to share more (and since it was a "marxist" and "Anti-capitalist" maybe they should be more of these).

Maybe:

BOOT CAMP


It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S.Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, THIS IS A BIRTHDAY SUIT INSPECTION!!!!!!!!! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!!! So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly.....

The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it.

DID THAT HURT? he yells.

No, Sir! came the reply.

Why not?

Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!

The captain is impressed and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

DID THAT HURT?

No, Sir!

Why not?

Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

DID THAT HURT?

No, Sir!

Why not?

Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!!

or
The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the directions of the threat, to Marines, it means lay down a base of fire!)

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!"

Inarticulate Babbler
05-06-2009, 07:56 AM
Hmmm. Let me see.

I found this one on a US Marines site, in the humor section:




MARINE CORPS ENTRANCE EXAM

Subject: Marine Entrance Exam
Time Limit: 3 weeks
Name:__________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR-give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3.Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
___a. build a bridge
___b. sail the ocean
___c. lead an army or
___d. WRITE A PLAY!!!!

4. What religion is the Pope?(check only one)
----a. Jewish
____b. Catholic
____c. Hindu
____d. Polish
____e. Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6.What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given?(approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
____a. Westerners
____b. Southerners
____c. Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush:________________
Carter:______________
Clinton:_____________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
____a. Macy's
____b. a 7-11
____c. Canada
____d. the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Therory of Relativity?
____a. yes
____b. no

13. What are coat hangers for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____a. New York
____b. Florida
____c. Canada
____d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC(National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when(approximately)?
____(a) B.C.
____(b) A.D.

*You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.



Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.



'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.



Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.


A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and
thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns
around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with
a **** like that."



I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?



Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny
summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My
Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking
frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me
your troubles."

The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this
very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me
that turned me into a talking frog."

"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help
you?"

"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take
me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be
back to normal."

"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I
think I can manage that."

So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That
night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a
long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned
back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would. And that, Your Honor, is the case for the defense...

Perks
05-06-2009, 08:06 AM
Hmmm, indeed.

CACTUSWENDY
05-06-2009, 08:12 AM
Thanks for the jokes....lmao

Silver.....you need to loosen up....lol

Inarticulate Babbler
05-06-2009, 08:17 AM
Let's see if I can squeeze a few more in here:


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.







Men are still busy checking their thumbs.



Fruit Loops

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the
hole in it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and
asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:

'Red.............cherry,' '

Yellow.........lemon,'

'Green..........lime,

' Orange ........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops..

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could
identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My God !!!!

They're ***-holes !!!



A man walked into a bar with his pet monkey. The man ordered a pint, and the monkey immediately began to eat things: a fistful of beernuts; cigarette butts from an ashtray; some ice; the olives from someone's drink.

The bartender said, "Your monkey's eating everything." As he was speaking, the monkey hopped on the billiard table and swallowed a ball whole. "He just ate a billiard ball!"

"It doesn't surprise me," said the man, who paid for the damages, finished his pint and left with his monkey.

About a week later, the man and his monkey returned. The man ordered a pint, and the monkey set about the bar again. The monkey snatched a cherry and stuffed it up his @$$, shifted, pulled the cherry out and ate it.

"That's disgusting!" The bartender said. "Your monkey just stuffed a cherry up his @$$ and ate it!"

"Doesn't surprise me," said the man, sipping his pint. "He still eats everything, he just checks the size first."



WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES:



A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.


The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one,' I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'



Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '



A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."



A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the Nun says, 'pull into the next alley.'

The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' said the Nun, "why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The Nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says:

"You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Inarticulate Babbler
05-06-2009, 08:55 AM
It wasn't Silver King who took a rep point. The sourpuss who did that literally claims to be a marxist that hates war (since they didn't publicly speak out, I assume they are too afraid to make themselves known)--but doesn't mind sneaking up and stabbing someone when they're not looking.

Anyway. I posted the joke/s because they gave me a chuckle. I hope others get one, too.

Wayne K
05-06-2009, 02:33 PM
I'm not feeling very cheery so I didn't find it very funny either. I'm going to take SK's suggestion: get drunk and read it again.:D

I got drunk and fogot all about this thread. SK should have warned me about that possibility. Good advice-bad results...eh.

Whoever neg repped you is a dick for doing it.

I'm just saying.

archerjoe
05-06-2009, 04:26 PM
I used to work with a crusty old Marine drill instructor. After the Marines, Earl moved to software testing.

One day someone told a joke about a meeting spanning all military branches.
At the beginning of the meeting, the emcee announced the time. "For those of you in the Air Force, it's 1301 and 12 seconds. For those of you in the Navy, it's 1301. For those of you in the Army, it's about 1300 hours. And for you Marines, it's Thursday."

Everyone laughed, including Earl who was laughing at us, not the joke. Earl said, "What the hell do the Marines care what time it is? Just tell me my mission and get out of my way."

Silver King
05-06-2009, 06:45 PM
It wasn't Silver King who took a rep point...
Thanks for clearing that up. I've never given anyone a neg rep before. Instead, I give them a hard time out in the open where others can read along. ;)

When you have a chance, check out this thread (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=40484), where folks shared a ton of jokes. In fact, I might merge this thread into that one later and resurrect the old beast. (It's too early in the day now for me to mess with the control panel; I'm likely to hit the wrong button and move this thread to Children's Writing or something...)

Devil Ledbetter
05-06-2009, 06:49 PM
I thought the punchline was great, and I'm rather liberal. It was funny because of the truth in it.

I did find the excessive "marines are such badasses" posturing in the build-up grating. That part went on too long. I'd have found it funnier if that was pared a bit.

Snowstorm
05-06-2009, 08:35 PM
Great joke, Inarticulate Babbler! Perhaps there's some military experience tucked in you that's frustrated with how the media portrays the good guys? If not, well, that's how I take it. After 24 years in the military, I appreciate the joke! Great jokes following that one too.

Here's one for Devil Ledbetter :D :
In a Taliban camp, the leader heard off in the distance: "One U. S. Marine is better than ten Taliban fighters!"

The leader, angry at the insult, orders ten of his fighters to take out the infidel Marine. A firefight ensures ... then silence.

"One U. S. Marine is better than twenty Taliban fighters!"

Furious, the Taliban leader order his twenty best fighters after the infidel. Another firefight ensues, longer this time. Then, silence.

"One U.S Marine is better than a hundred Taliban fighters!"

Before the leader can order his fighters out, one Taliban fighter, mortally wounded from the firefight, crawls back to camp. Before he dies, he manages to gasp, "It's a trap. There's two of them!"

Inarticulate Babbler
05-06-2009, 10:34 PM
lol. That's great.

Well, if this is going to be merged with another joke thread:


Pearls of Wisdom:

1. Never under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.



Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in Central Ireland.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Rumour has it that shortly before the crash ,when asked for his height and position, the pilot replied " I'm 5' 10" and sitting in the front"


A man goes to the doctor for his wife's test results.

Mr Smith : "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."

Receptionist : "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows Aids!"

Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't screw her."



The International Council of Man Laws.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

19. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

21. Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, yellow, orange or sky blue.

22. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 or a Playstation- End of story.

23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

24. Never wear a man bag to work.

25. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'



HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING NEIGHBORS ON AN AIRPLANE
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky & move your lips as if praying
6. Hit this link (http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf)

Devil Ledbetter
05-06-2009, 10:58 PM
Great joke, Inarticulate Babbler! Perhaps there's some military experience tucked in you that's frustrated with how the media portrays the good guys? If not, well, that's how I take it. After 24 years in the military, I appreciate the joke! Great jokes following that one too.

Here's one for Devil Ledbetter :D :
In a Taliban camp, the leader heard off in the distance: "One U. S. Marine is better than ten Taliban fighters!"

The leader, angry at the insult, orders ten of his fighters to take out the infidel Marine. A firefight ensures ... then silence.

"One U. S. Marine is better than twenty Taliban fighters!"

Furious, the Taliban leader order his twenty best fighters after the infidel. Another firefight ensues, longer this time. Then, silence.

"One U.S Marine is better than a hundred Taliban fighters!"

Before the leader can order his fighters out, one Taliban fighter, mortally wounded from the firefight, crawls back to camp. Before he dies, he manages to gasp, "It's a trap. There's two of them!"Cute. :D

Inarticulate Babbler
05-06-2009, 11:24 PM
I thought the punchline was great, and I'm rather liberal. It was funny because of the truth in it.

I did find the excessive "marines are such badasses" posturing in the build-up grating. That part went on too long. I'd have found it funnier if that was pared a bit.

I didn't write the joke, just cut & pasted it, like most of them--I found them amusing.

Inarticulate Babbler
05-07-2009, 03:01 AM
I'll probably get a visit from the CIA for this:


Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion

on the word 'tragedy'.

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is

playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff,

killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy...'

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama."That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said:

"If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a friendly fire missile and

blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama."That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly

wouldn't be a great loss... And it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

donroc
05-07-2009, 03:13 AM
Enjoying the jokes. Got this today from a friend:

The Economy is so Bad...
1. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
2. Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
3. Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
4. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
5. PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings
6. McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer.
7. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
8. A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
9. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
10. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
11. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
12. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"
13. Motel Six wont leave the light on.
14. The Mafia is laying off judges.