FAQ for haters of meaningless social gesture

Matera the Mad · Apr 27, 2009

F.A.Q.

(Frequent Annoying Questions)

Q Do you have a cold?

A No, my house is full of dust and mold and my sinuses are chronically messed up. May I please sneeze or blow my nose now and then without responding to useless comments?

Q Are you all right?

A1 No, I'm lying on the floor, bleeding, unconscious, dying. You aren't very observant, are you? Stop standing there asking stupid questions and call 911.

A2 Yes, but I am busy trying to (catch my balance, cough out a drop of saliva or lemonade, and/or remember what I was going to do before you demanded my attention). Would you like a written receipt for your valuable concern when I have time to bother with trivial matters?

Q What's wrong with your (body part)?

A Are you my doctor? Is it a problem for you? Should I go home and change (noses, whatever)?

Q Did you hurt yourself?

A No, but I'm going to hurt you if you don't stop with the questions.

Any questions?

aadams73 · Apr 27, 2009

*Checkout chick at the stupidmarket picks up product I'm trying to buy*

Q: Is this any good?

A: NO, IT F-ING SUCKS, THAT'S WHY I'M BUYING IT!

Ken · Apr 27, 2009

... on a somewhat related note:

A friend of mine once picked up something a woman from the nabe accidentally dropped and was duly rewarded with some kindly words:

"I COULD"VE GOT THAT MYSELF!!!"

regdog · Apr 27, 2009

Ken said:
... on a somewhat related note:

A friend of mine once picked up something a woman from the nabe accidentally dropped and was duly rewarded with some kindly words:

"I COULD"VE GOT THAT MYSELF!!!"

I would have taken the thing back from the woman and dropped it back on the ground with a smile said "Now you can."

But that's me

Ken · Apr 27, 2009

... that would've been a good idea

Wayne K · Apr 27, 2009

Is that a pistol in your pocket..

Ol' Fashioned Girl · Apr 27, 2009

"Are you writing?"

"What did you write?"

"Are you going to write?"

Adam · Apr 27, 2009

In the same vein as OFG:

What are you up to?

See the words on my screen? See how they increase in number when I push these keys? Funny that, eh?

Wayne K · Apr 27, 2009

Adzmodeus said:
In the same vein as OFG:

What are you up to?

See the words on my screen? See how they increase in number when I push these keys? Funny that, eh?

Followed by this http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U13Fa7ehvZw

NeuroFizz · Apr 27, 2009

Adzmodeus said:
What are you up to?

About 6' 1".

Siddow · Apr 27, 2009

I hate being expected to know where all of my family's belongings are, at all times.

"Honey, where are my boots?"
"Mom, where's my skateboard?"
"Do you know where the remote is?"

NOTICE: unless you hand it to me and ask me to keep it for you, I haven't got a freaking clue where you left your crap. Okay?

regdog · Apr 27, 2009

A line of people at the grocery check out. I am the last person in line with shopping cart full of groceries and coupons in hand.

Idiot walks up "Are you waiting in line?"

regdog · Apr 27, 2009

Siddow said:
I hate being expected to know where all of my family's belongings are, at all times.

"Honey, where are my boots?"
"Mom, where's my skateboard?"
"Do you know where the remote is?"

NOTICE: unless you hand it to me and ask me to keep it for you, I haven't got a freaking clue where you left your crap. Okay?

Along those same lines

I'm in one room, my Aunt is in another room and says

"What's this?"

Sorry not wearing my x-rays glasses, can't see through walls.

DeleyanLee · Apr 27, 2009

Q: What was I thinking of?

A: Who do I look like? Charles Xavier?

Manix · Apr 27, 2009

LOL, Matera, now I know how to really get under your skin...

Srsly, I will try to steer clear, though. :Hug2:

<---That's all I have to say.

Matera the Mad said:
F.A.Q.

(Frequent Annoying Questions)

Q Do you have a cold?

A No, my house is full of dust and mold and my sinuses are chronically messed up. May I please sneeze or blow my nose now and then without responding to useless comments?

Q Are you all right?

A1 No, I'm lying on the floor, bleeding, unconscious, dying. You aren't very observant, are you? Stop standing there asking stupid questions and call 911.

A2 Yes, but I am busy trying to (catch my balance, cough out a drop of saliva or lemonade, and/or remember what I was going to do before you demanded my attention). Would you like a written receipt for your valuable concern when I have time to bother with trivial matters?

Q What's wrong with your (body part)?

A Are you my doctor? Is it a problem for you? Should I go home and change (noses, whatever)?

Q Did you hurt yourself?

A No, but I'm going to hurt you if you don't stop with the questions.

Any questions?

NeuroFizz · Apr 27, 2009

Siddow said:
I hate being expected to know where all of my family's belongings are, at all times.

"Honey, where are my boots?"
"Mom, where's my skateboard?"
"Do you know where the remote is?"

NOTICE: unless you hand it to me and ask me to keep it for you, I haven't got a freaking clue where you left your crap. Okay?

But...but...I was told the uterus contained a homing device for all lost items in the household. You mean it doesn't?

Rachel · Apr 27, 2009

Siddow said:
I hate being expected to know where all of my family's belongings are, at all times.

"Honey, where are my boots?"
"Mom, where's my skateboard?"
"Do you know where the remote is?"

NOTICE: unless you hand it to me and ask me to keep it for you, I haven't got a freaking clue where you left your crap. Okay?

This.

Also: if you hand me something and ask me to keep it for you, most likely I'll lose it... so don't bother with that, either.

Grrarrgh · Apr 27, 2009

Q: Are you in a bad mood?

A: Now I am.

Followed very closely by:

Q: Are you mad at me?

A: See above.

donroc · Apr 27, 2009

Male version:

Q. You know, you look like ______ (insert name of actor/celebrity)

A. Of course, I do. I used to date his mother.

melaniehoo · Apr 27, 2009

NeuroFizz said:
But...but...I was told the uterus contained a homing device for all lost items in the household. You mean it doesn't?

It seems to be the case in my house, and I don't even have children.

Wayne K · Apr 27, 2009

The reason I ask the wife "where's this" or "Where's that?" is because if she donn't know, it's lost.

Siddow · Apr 27, 2009

Wayne K said:
The reason I ask the wife "where's this" or "Where's that?" is because if she donn't know, it's lost.

If she is pleasant when she says she doesn't know where it is...

it means she threw it out.

melaniehoo · Apr 27, 2009

Siddow said:
If she is pleasant when she says she doesn't know where it is...

it means she threw it out.

Ha, my husband just found out last week that I tossed a couple of his shirts -- two years ago. Woops.

tiny · Apr 27, 2009

Siddow said:
I hate being expected to know where all of my family's belongings are, at all times.

"Honey, where are my boots?"
"Mom, where's my skateboard?"
"Do you know where the remote is?"

NOTICE: unless you hand it to me and ask me to keep it for you, I haven't got a freaking clue where you left your crap. Okay?

Ah yes, the "where are my shoes" questions.... my answer is always "Last time I was wearing them I stepped in dog doo so I threw them away." If fact... I threw it away is usually my answer.

Devil Ledbetter · Apr 27, 2009

The worst social gesture of all is when someone demands you "Smile!" Do they really believe that being told to "Smile!" (translation: I don't like the look on your face!) makes people happy?

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