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View Full Version : It's official...I've now become OLD



Cassiopeia
04-21-2009, 11:18 AM
My son just approached me tonight with the following sentence:

"You know, Mom...when I move out, this should be a time you look forward to."

I stared at him like he'd lost his mind because it was so freaking random. I didn't know how to tell him that not only am I excited about it, I'm planning on it. But when he put it like that I suddenly felt like I am seen as this tottering old fool of a woman who clings to her children when it's been me forcing him to go out on the weekends to spend time with his friends. And I get a lecture on how I don't really care about him when I force him to go to his dad's.

Now, I know I'm having trouble finding work but what the heck???

So, yep...I guess I can quit coloring my hair and working out and doing all the things I've always done because evidently, I'm too old to know JUST how old I really am.

FYI: He's getting ready to turn 18 in July.

Mumut
04-21-2009, 11:45 AM
You can look forward to having less of a struggle to balance the budget. Now all three have gone - wow!

Cassiopeia
04-21-2009, 12:14 PM
Well not quite gone yet but I think he's operating on a few less watts today if he thinks I'm going to be crying in my soup because I have to only worry about feeding and housing myself.

Susie
04-21-2009, 01:35 PM
Hey, Cass. We're not officially old until we reach 91 like my mom on 4/30! :) But that'll be cool when you have less expenses, huh. (((((HUGS))))).

Darzian
04-21-2009, 01:49 PM
Do children typically move out at 18 in the US? I mean, is it the norm there? In my part of the world (Sri Lanka) it's fairly unusual.

Wayne K
04-21-2009, 02:26 PM
I don't understand the horror of growing old. I get more done with less effort and am far soperior mentally and emotionally for my years.

I earned every grey hair and every wrinkle. If someone has a smartass remark about age, that's okay too, I'll have my hearing aid turned off from then on.

As far as looks:I like older women. I don't want to grab a shovel and head for the graveyard, but age and a few fine lines doesn't take away from a woman.

sheadakota
04-21-2009, 02:33 PM
Do children typically move out at 18 in the US? I mean, is it the norm there? In my part of the world (Sri Lanka) it's fairly unusual.
18 is when most kids go off to college- not officially gone, but away except for weekends and holidays. Some move out officially when they graduate 4 years later. If you're lucky;)

Cassy- my son is only 12 (on the 24th) and he calls now the good ol' days! Ha!

Ol' Fashioned Girl
04-21-2009, 03:11 PM
Cassy- my son is only 12 (on the 24th) and he calls now the good ol' days! Ha!

Someday, now will be the good ol' days!

Cassiopeia
04-21-2009, 03:14 PM
I don't understand the horror of growing old. I get more done with less effort and am far soperior mentally and emotionally for my years.

I earned every grey hair and every wrinkle. If someone has a smartass remark about age, that's okay too, I'll have my hearing aid turned off from then on.

As far as looks:I like older women. I don't want to grab a shovel and head for the graveyard, but age and a few fine lines doesn't take away from a woman.
I am not afraid of growing old. I don't think growing old means I have to give up the things that are me though. I also don't think I've suddenly become daft because my son is looking at his future and worried about what I'll do without him.

Kid really have NO clue what their parents do when they aren't around and I intend to keep it that way. ;)

NeuroFizz
04-21-2009, 04:02 PM
You could do what I did, Cass--start over again with another set of young 'uns.

Haggis
04-21-2009, 04:17 PM
You could do what I did, Cass--start over again with another set of young 'uns.

:gone:

Matera the Mad
04-21-2009, 08:14 PM
I think I'm a little ahead of you, Cass, but I'll let Susie's Mom take the title.

DeleyanLee
04-21-2009, 08:26 PM
Do children typically move out at 18 in the US? I mean, is it the norm there? In my part of the world (Sri Lanka) it's fairly unusual.

Only in our dreams--and sometimes dreams do come true.

Williebee
04-21-2009, 08:47 PM
You could do what I did, Cass--start over again with another set of young 'uns.

NO. FREAKIN. WAY.

God love you for your stamina and patience, but I'm not that guy.

Cassi, my darlin'-- five years or so from now you can remind him of that conversation. If you're lucky, he really is out on his own and supporting himself. (If so, we'll pat you on the back. Damn fine job, well done.)

Either way, he'll miss the freedom and constant contact. Ironically contradictory, isn't it?

:)

CaroGirl
04-21-2009, 09:04 PM
You could do what I did, Cass--start over again with another set of young 'uns.
My biological clock begs to differ.

When my last kid moves out, I'll cry for a week and then get a facial and massage, redecorate their rooms, and do whatever the hell else I please.

Manix
04-21-2009, 09:19 PM
Old is just a state of mind. I feel like I'm getting younger all the time. I have more fun now than I did in high school, I am in better shape (because I actually care now) and I like myself a whole lot better than I did back then. When you lose your inner child is when you really become old. My inner kid is havin' a ball these days!:D

kikilynn
04-21-2009, 09:23 PM
You could do what I did, Cass--start over again with another set of young 'uns.

That's what my parents did. They had an empty nest officially for a month before they took custody of my two nieces.

scarletpeaches
04-21-2009, 09:27 PM
You're only as old as the man you feel, as Mae West said. :D

qwerty
04-21-2009, 09:47 PM
When our son was 18, we gave him a suitcase, tucked a passport application form inside his card and put a "To Let" sign on his bedroom window.

Cassiopeia
04-21-2009, 10:59 PM
You could do what I did, Cass--start over again with another set of young 'uns.I love ya Fizzy. You are so awesome. But yeah, NO! I am looking forward to less drama and less mess. I love my kids to the Pluto (still bummed out it's not a planet anymore but I digress) and beyond. I just am ready to be my own person again and not just, Hilary, Daniel and Stephen's mom.


:gone:yeah me too, Haggis. :gone:


NO. FREAKIN. WAY.

God love you for your stamina and patience, but I'm not that guy.

Cassi, my darlin'-- five years or so from now you can remind him of that conversation. If you're lucky, he really is out on his own and supporting himself. (If so, we'll pat you on the back. Damn fine job, well done.)

Either way, he'll miss the freedom and constant contact. Ironically contradictory, isn't it?

:) This is what is making me nuts. Every other month I get this lecture of how he's moving out and doesn't want me to be upset with him but then if I make him go visit his Dad on a weekend, he complains that I don't want him to live with me anymore and this is his home and he can't even be at home in his own place.


You're only as old as the man you feel, as Mae West said. :Dheh. yeah...I want my freedom more than I want to be feeling THAT young ever again. :)

Sweetleaf
04-21-2009, 11:00 PM
I think it's quite sweet that he's worried about you.

Just remember that when he turns your age he's going to be thinking what an idiot he was to think that way. Especially if he has kids!

Oh, and most teenage boys are emotionally brainless, it'll take a few years before the fog clears :D

Cassiopeia
04-21-2009, 11:02 PM
Sweet was the first time we had this discussion. Fifty million times later I want to bean him on the head and tell him when I see him packing is when I'll decide to feel that upset about anything.

Like someone said, I'll have a good cry, go have a facial and let the good times roll!

Perks
04-21-2009, 11:18 PM
Oh dear. That's rough.

It's sweet that he was trying to put the good spin on things... sorta... kinda... aw, kill him.

Cassiopeia
04-22-2009, 12:00 AM
Oh dear. That's rough.

It's sweet that he was trying to put the good spin on things... sorta... kinda... aw, kill him.I can see the headlines now..."Utah mother loves her son to DEATH"

He totally didn't get why I felt he was treating me like some pathetic clingy mother. I told him that perhaps he ought to say, "Mom, I feel so guilty about the plans I'm making to move out. I worry that you won't be okay without me." or "Mom, what do you think about me moving out?"

But oh no, this has to be about me not him. He doesn't have one single insecurity about leaving the nest, now does he? mmmhhmmm...right. ;)

SusanH
04-22-2009, 03:27 AM
I raised my 3 kids. They left. They came back. I'm almost 60 years old and I have only been completely alone for three years. I never experienced empty nest syndrome.

Now I have a guy I'm dating wanting to move in with me. He is 15 years younger than I am and I keep him young...lol..... anyway. I said NO WAY! It is my time and I want to be alone....no really I DO want to be alone. Why can't men understand that. I have a job, my own home and my car is paid for...what else could I want? I even have grandbabies.....Only getting published would make my life more happy.

Ken Schneider
04-22-2009, 03:40 AM
My son just approached me tonight with the following sentence:

"You know, Mom...when I move out, this should be a time you look forward to."

I stared at him like he'd lost his mind because it was so freaking random. I didn't know how to tell him that not only am I excited about it, I'm planning on it. But when he put it like that I suddenly felt like I am seen as this tottering old fool of a woman who clings to her children when it's been me forcing him to go out on the weekends to spend time with his friends. And I get a lecture on how I don't really care about him when I force him to go to his dad's.

Now, I know I'm having trouble finding work but what the heck???

So, yep...I guess I can quit coloring my hair and working out and doing all the things I've always done because evidently, I'm too old to know JUST how old I really am.

FYI:He's getting ready to turn 18 in July.

Bolding mine.

Ha! Random hope breaker sentence.
You and he will be together until always. He'll have a door put in his room so he can have women run in and out at all hours of the night. Squander his money on drink and folly, eat your food and watch your TV, until you buy him a TV and a frig for his room.

Wayne K
04-22-2009, 03:59 AM
Bolding mine.

Ha! Random hope breaker sentence.
You and he will be together until always. He'll have a door put in his room so he can have women run in and out at all hours of the night. Squander his money on drink and folly, eat your food and watch your TV, until you buy him a TV and a frig for his room.

I wanna hang out with this kid.

Cassiopeia
04-22-2009, 05:18 AM
I raised my 3 kids. They left. They came back. I'm almost 60 years old and I have only been completely alone for three years. I never experienced empty nest syndrome.

Now I have a guy I'm dating wanting to move in with me. He is 15 years younger than I am and I keep him young...lol..... anyway. I said NO WAY! It is my time and I want to be alone....no really I DO want to be alone. Why can't men understand that. I have a job, my own home and my car is paid for...what else could I want? I even have grandbabies.....Only getting published would make my life more happy.I married the younger man...21 years younger...lasted 11 months before I said OH HELL NO! and had that annulled. I'm with you, let me have my space.


Bolding mine.

Ha! Random hope breaker sentence.
You and he will be together until always. He'll have a door put in his room so he can have women run in and out at all hours of the night. Squander his money on drink and folly, eat your food and watch your TV, until you buy him a TV and a frig for his room.LOL. NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo.

Judg
04-22-2009, 05:40 AM
I really enjoyed my empty nest for the few months that it lasted. Then two, count them, TWO of my kids boomeranged back. I tried treating them like adults; it didn't work. So I had to put my foot down and cracked the whip a bit. (There is no way I am playing maid to people in their early 20's.) I've been asking them to contribute financially only enough to counter the extra expense, but if they don't pitch in better around here, I'm going to double it.

Yes, I'm a wicked old lady. I have also done my time raising teenagers. I really don't mind them being here, if they are here as adults, contributing to the cooking, housework, and such without me having to ask. Harumph!

CaroGirl
04-22-2009, 05:43 AM
I really enjoyed my empty nest for the few months that it lasted. Then two, count them, TWO of my kids boomeranged back. I tried treating them like adults; it didn't work. So I had to put my foot down and cracked the whip a bit. (There is no way I am playing maid to people in their early 20's.) I've been asking them to contribute financially only enough to counter the extra expense, but if they don't pitch in better around here, I'm going to double it.

Yes, I'm a wicked old lady. I have also done my time raising teenagers. I really don't mind them being here, if they are here as adults, contributing to the cooking, housework, and such without me having to ask. Harumph!
If TWO of my kids come back, that's 100% recidivism. Unacceptable. They'd better not, if they know what's good for 'em.

Cassiopeia
04-22-2009, 05:49 AM
oh my gosh! You mean they might come back? I'll never have a life of my own.

tjwriter
04-22-2009, 05:51 AM
Pfft! Within a month after I moved out, Mom had rearranged and you couldn't even tell I'd had a room there. I definitely felt like a guest when I moved back for three weeks.

After my brother left, they remodeled, combining our adjoining rooms into one big master suite. Their old room now holds all the stuff for the grandkids. They certainly don't miss us (at least I don't think) and they go do fun stuff all the time.

Judg
04-22-2009, 05:53 AM
LOL. In my case it was only 40%. :P Although their older brother had boomeranged back too, but he'd been gone long enough to get civilized. A few years paying your own bills, doing your own cooking, and living in your own mess does wonders for maturity levels. These two hadn't been gone long enough.

And I seriously was enjoying the empty nest. Of course, none of them were foolish enough to think I had been pining.

Judg
04-22-2009, 06:00 AM
oh my gosh! You mean they might come back? I'll never have a life of my own.
Sometimes they do. But they're usually coming back hat in hand, which gives you the chance to lay down conditions. LOL

It often works out quite well, because they grow up so much when they're on their own. In the case of my two, they had only been partially on their own (like no bills in their own name) so they hadn't really assumed adult responsibilities.

One, in theory, will be moving out soon, except that her arrangements keep falling through. I honestly don't think she wants to stay, although I don't think she's finding it as bad as she expected. The other will either become tamed or get so frustrated at me that he moves out. If the economy were a bit better, it would help. He's not getting the hours yet to make it feasible, through no fault of his own.

But more often than not, parents are happy to have them come back. I always used to say that it wasn't fair: you spend 18 years trying to civilize your kids and just when you're making headway, they move out and somebody else benefits. Ah well.

Cassiopeia
04-22-2009, 06:02 AM
Said independent son just phoned me in a panic when he did something stupid and wants mommy to run interference between him and his dad. I told him noooooooooooooo....I'm not getting in the middle. I can't stand my ex.

Judg
04-22-2009, 06:07 AM
Funny. I don't think he has a functional concept yet of what independence means. He'll get there.

I left home, well, techically, home left me, when I was his age, still a wee bit shy of 18, but I managed just fine. But I was always the self-sufficient type. It's a hard age to be though. Sure glad I don't have to do it over.

Cassiopeia
04-22-2009, 06:13 AM
I also had my home leave me at 17 right after graduation. I've been handling myself ever since.

He's not even close to moving out. LOL What bothered me was the talk that about what 'my' life is meant to mean to me. The bloody cheek.

Judg
04-22-2009, 06:22 AM
Well of course. He's still at the self-absorbed stage.

Maybe I'm just too self-absorbed for my kids to think that my world revolves around them. Even when it did, it didn't, if you catch what I mean.

Anyway, just laugh it off. They grow up. Some of them even turn out charming.

joyce
04-22-2009, 07:09 AM
My daughter will be 25 in August and she moved back home two months ago. She'll be graduating from Physical Therapy College in two weeks, so I guess I can't complain. Actually it's been rather nice in some ways having her back home. In other ways, I want to kill her. When she left for college at 18 she told my best friend she was worried about me because she was leaving. She didn't know what I was going to do because now I'd only have dad. I didn't hurt her feelings, but me and dad were quite fine on our own and were able to function without her help. I missed her, but it was rather nice no longer having to look for glasses filled with some type of drink, hidden behind the curtains on the window seal.

Cassiopeia
04-22-2009, 07:20 AM
oh man, my son is the king at hiding plates under his bed and leaving glasses around. I just had to stop everything I was doing to go fetch him because he's had a weird day, *too long to explain* and I am being a very nice mommy and not saying a word about how reliant he still is on me.

I'm going to bed now. :D

Silver King
04-22-2009, 07:26 AM
My oldest boy called last night from jail.

I answered, and he said, "Let me talk to Mom."

I passed her the phone, and after watching her turn ashen, thought he was in big trouble.

She hung up the phone and flew out of the room. Before I could get out of my chair, she was dressed in fresh clothes, fishing through her pocket book.

Being the kind and considerate father I am, I said, "What is it this time?"

She said, "I need two hundred dollars. Give it to me! If you don't, I swear to gawd I'll..."

Needing no further encouragement, I went to my stash and produced the funds. She grabbed the money and took off on her way to bail him out of jail.

I love my boy, I really do, but I hate how he's aged his mother over the years from worry. At some point in life, early twenties at the most, you have to stop calling mommy every time you hit a bump in the road.

Cassiopeia
04-22-2009, 07:31 AM
I completely agree with you, SK. Which is why I'll go get my 17 year old when he's gotten the most of the way home on his own and is hoofing it the last leg after three hours of working this out on his own but I won't go after my 24 year old daughter who has been in so much trouble and turned my life upside down for the better part of 5 years. She knows it now too.

*hugs* Your wife sounds like a very caring and loving mom. I hope he stops dragging her through his troubles with him.

Lyra Jean
04-22-2009, 07:44 AM
My son just approached me tonight with the following sentence:

"You know, Mom...when I move out, this should be a time you look forward to."

I stared at him like he'd lost his mind because it was so freaking random. I didn't know how to tell him that not only am I excited about it, I'm planning on it. But when he put it like that I suddenly felt like I am seen as this tottering old fool of a woman who clings to her children when it's been me forcing him to go out on the weekends to spend time with his friends. And I get a lecture on how I don't really care about him when I force him to go to his dad's.

Now, I know I'm having trouble finding work but what the heck???

So, yep...I guess I can quit coloring my hair and working out and doing all the things I've always done because evidently, I'm too old to know JUST how old I really am.

FYI: He's getting ready to turn 18 in July.

At least he's not ten and telling you this.

Lyra Jean
04-22-2009, 07:47 AM
Do children typically move out at 18 in the US? I mean, is it the norm there? In my part of the world (Sri Lanka) it's fairly unusual.

I'll be 30 this year and still live at home. But I pay rent and utilities and have a job and in school. My dad has never been eager for me to leave. Weird! I'll be leaving once I get married. But I'm definitely an exception to the rule. Most of my friends left home between 16-18.

Lyra Jean
04-22-2009, 07:49 AM
I am not afraid of growing old. I don't think growing old means I have to give up the things that are me though. I also don't think I've suddenly become daft because my son is looking at his future and worried about what I'll do without him.

Kid really have NO clue what their parents do when they aren't around and I intend to keep it that way. ;)

Maybe it's his way of saying that even though he's leaving he still loves and cares about you. My brother always refers to our dad as his dad as if we didn't grow up together. Kids are weird. Okay he's three years younger than me but still.

Cassiopeia
04-22-2009, 10:32 AM
I think people are getting on my son's case because his best friend is his ...M-O-T-H-E-R.

It's not that he doesn't have best friends his age but they'd all rather hang out here with me than at his..well..his dad's house. So really I think the "people" are my ex and his family.

But I do have to say, I long for my days of solitude. He's going to his dad's this weekend and if it's anything like last time he'll want to come home early. So when he does move out...IF he moves out...I'm gonna be just fine. :)

rosemerry, in South Africa it isn't uncommon for the extended families to live together. I've seen three generations in one home. So there's nothing wrong with living with our parents as long as we are responsible for ourselves and you are. :)

Dichroic
04-22-2009, 01:40 PM
Sounds like he's the one who's confused, going back and forth on whether he wants to leave or not. Thinking abstractly, it sounds perfectly normal for 18 - but when I was 17 and off to college it was more like "ZING! Outta here!" I only went back for summers because Mom insisted. (This all had other benefits in the long run. Once I left for college I returned for three summers - not the fourth - and a month or two before my first job started; in the intervening decades I've only been back for short visits of a week or two. My brother didn't move out until 30 or so, and now at 37-going-on-19 he's back there until his marriage this summer, after which they'll stay with her folks for a bit. In the rosy glare of long-ago memory, my parents now think I was an angel child.)

NeuroFizz
04-22-2009, 04:14 PM
The ultimate in teen angst is the desire for independence in moving from home balanced by the fear of the financial and emotional responsibility of doing just that. They feel like they know so much about life, but they get little scares about just how much they don't know. It's not unusual for kids to do emotional flip-flops at this time nor is it unusual for them to project their insecurities on members of their family. Give the kid time. His reactions are well within the normal range, in my opinion. And it doesn't seem like he is ready to fully fledge yet. There are so many ways to handle this, and many of them would work out just fine. The best thing is to trust your motherly gut feelings on what is best for him (which could be anything from a boot in the butt to giving him the time and space to mature a little more).

One of my favorite lines on this came from a former colleague, whose parents told him there were three doors and nineteen windows in their house. "And every one of them leads out."

Ken
04-22-2009, 04:20 PM
... you're still a hot tamale, Cass.
So don't sweat the age ;-)

Cassiopeia
04-22-2009, 05:06 PM
... you're still a hot tamale, Cass.
So don't sweat the age ;-)

*note to self* Be sure to send paypal payment to Ken's account later today. ;)

scarletpeaches
04-22-2009, 05:13 PM
Well I agree and you don't even have to pay me. :D

I left home at 21 and never looked back. If I'd taken the advice not to go until I got married, I'd still be living with my dad now and I'm 33 in a fortnight!

I guess I was just one of those people who was made to live on her own. I wasn't arrogant enough to assume I'd be missed - and I certainly wasn't in my mother's case - but now she's disappeared (I mean that literally. Empty bank account, suitcases gone, etc) I have more opportunity to speak to my dad, so...

Anyway. I like having my own place. The only thing I don't like is cooking for one.

Wayne K
04-22-2009, 05:31 PM
I was out of the house at 14. I think it made me strong.

ETA: I hated cooking for one so I started eating for two.