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DaveKuzminski
06-07-2005, 09:13 PM
Here are some of mine. Feel free to add your own that you may have observed before.

Dave's First Law of Music: When listening to a favorite song, invariably you will get a phone call or visitor just as the song begins that will require your attention for almost the entire length of the song.

First Collorary to Dave's First Law of Music: if you are listening to a radio in your car, you will invariably enter a poor reception area just after the song begins or someone with a louder stereo or unmuffled engine will pull up next to you.

Second Collorary to Dave's First Law of Music: If that favorite song is on a CD or tape that can be restarted and you do restart that song, you will get another call or visitor also requiring your attention.

Dave's Second Law of Music: When listening to a favorite song on the radio and it ends, switching to another station to avoid the commercial will encounter another favorite song just as it ends and a commercial begins.

Dave's Third Law of Music: When listening to the radio and a definitely disliked song begins, changing channels will result only in finding other equally disliked songs also just beginning.

Collorary to Dave's Second and Third Laws of Music: This is limited only by the number of stations that the radio can receive in that area.

Sarita
06-07-2005, 09:21 PM
Dave's First Law of Music: When listening to a favorite song, invariably you will get a phone call or visitor just as the song begins that will require your attention for almost the entire length of the song.

Sara's First Corollary to Dave's First Law of Music: Said song will then be stuck in your head until you can hear it in its entirety, which will not occur for 5 days after occurrence of First Law, due to Dave's Second Corollary.

DaveKuzminski
06-07-2005, 09:28 PM
Dave's First Rule of Dropped Objects: When an object is dropped from a table not against the wall, it will end up nearly dead center of the table on the floor so that it's the same distance to reach regardless of which side you attempt retrieval from.

Dave's Second Rule of Dropped Objects: When an object falls from a table that's against the wall, it will end up against the wall centered on the widest portion of the table touching the wall.

Dave's First Collorary to the First and Second Rules of Dropped Objects: If there is a gummy or greasy spot anywhere beneath the table, the object will be found in the one that possesses the most gunk because gunk magnetically attracts all objects, even those that aren't magnetic.

Dave's Second Collorary to the First and Second Rules of Dropped Objects: If there is anything on the floor that is the same color as the dropped object, it will naturally attract the object subject to any lack of gummy or greasy spots.

DaveKuzminski
06-07-2005, 09:54 PM
First Law of Home Repairs Using Wood Screws: Any task that requires wood screws will require one more than is available or left over from a previous task.

First Collorary to the First Law of Home Repairs Using Wood Screws: There will be enough wood screws to finish the task if the repairer doesn't mind using both straight and Phillips slotted wood screws in order to have enough.

Second Collorary to the First Law of Home Repairs Using Wood Screws: Tasks that require matching wood screws because the heads will show requires a trip to the hardward store where said needed wood screws can be purchased in small odd numbers that are always one shy of the number needed. If only one more wood screw is needed, this isn't much of a problem, however, the same wood screw can also be purchased in boxes of a hundred or more generally for only two dollars more than the small set on the display rack.

Third Collorary to the First Law of Home Repairs Using Wood Screws: Purchases of boxes containing many more wood screws than needed will not guarantee that the wood screws will be available for the next task when it occurs as any duration longer than a month is generally sufficient for said box to be stuffed away behind something or have something out of place put in front of it so that it can't be found until after another purchase is made at which time a miracle will occur and the first box will become visible.

DaveKuzminski
06-07-2005, 10:29 PM
First Law of Jelly Jars: Jelly and jam jars are virtually indestructible except when those contain jelly or jam. As drinking glasses, said former jars can outlast even the sturdiest of glassware meant for drinking.

Second Law of Jelly Jars: Containers with painted cartoon characters, particularly those you despise, will outlast those with painted landscape scenes.

Third Law of Jelly Jars: Painted containers, regardless of what image is used, will always outlast cut glass jars.

robeiae
06-07-2005, 10:53 PM
Rob's First Law of Annoying Drivers: Stop using your f*cking cell pone while your car is in motion!! Sheez!

Rob :)

DaveKuzminski
06-07-2005, 11:09 PM
No, no, Robeiae, you should phrase it thusly:

Robeiae's First Law of Annoying Drivers: Said drivers will always purchase devices meant to be used in places other than behind the wheel of a car which is where said drivers mainly use it.

Robeiae's First Collorary: They will always use it when it is least safe to do so, namely when the car is in motion.

Robeiae's Second Collary: They will try to use more than one such device at the same time based on the fact that they have two hands and can multitask. Driving the car does not count as one of those tasks.

Fractured_Chaos
06-07-2005, 11:57 PM
Drgn's 1st Law of Shopping: Your first choice of cart will always be the one that is permanently welded to another.

1st Corrollary: Your second choice of cart will always have the wonky wheel that won't let you steer it without the use of the shelves, or other shoppers legs.

2nd Corrollary: Every choice after the first will be the same as the second choice.

Drgn's 2nd Law of Shopping: No matter where you are in the store, at one point, you will accidently find that smashed grape that sticks to your shoes, or the only non-wonky wheel of the cart.

1st Corrollary: Grapes achieve sentience, and will seek you out.

Drgn's 3rd Law of Shopping: The one item that you buy on a regular basis, that cannot be found at any other store, will suddenly no longer be stocked.

1st Corrollary: The odds of this happening increase with the level of need for that product on that particular day.

2nd Corrollary: The inability to substitue said product will increase the odds of it no longer being stocked.

3rd Corrollary: The one item that the store generally keeps fully stocked, but you never need, will mystriously no longer exist when you actually do need it.

Drgn's 4th Law of Shopping: You will always forget the bag of ice.

Drgn's 5th Law of Shopping: No matter how careful you are at adding up your purchases, including tax, and backing it up on paper, you will never be right, and you'll have to put something back.

Drgn's 6th Law of Shopping: Even if you park in the south 40, where the weeds are as tall as you are, and no one -ever- parks there, you will still come out and discover that your car is surrounded by behemouths that have their own zip code.

1st Corrollary: No matter how careful you are to pinpoint a landmark in a big parking lot, you will still lose your car.

1st Corrollary-A: The most common cause of losing your car, is it being surrounded by behemouths with their own zipcodes.

2nd Corrollary: No matter how cautious you are in backing out of the space, some moron will come from out of nowhere to almost hit you.

2nd Corrollary-A: Said moron is also driving a behemouth with it's own zipcode.

Drgn's 7th Law of Shopping: The amount of traffic will increase in relation to the outside temperature, and the urgency of getting the ice cream home before it melts.

1st Corrollary: The speed of said traffic will -decrease- in relation to the outside temperature, and the urgency in getting the icecream home before it melts.

Drgn's 8th Law of Shopping: You will remember the ice after you get home, lug ten tons of groceries up a flight of stairs, and are completely exhausted.

kappapi99
06-08-2005, 12:08 AM
KP's First Corallary to Dave's First Collorary to the First and Second Rules of Dropped Objects: If you have a baby, said baby will automatically be attracted to the gummiest, greasiest spot that has said dropped item and put it immediately in his or her mouth.

Fractured_Chaos
06-08-2005, 12:27 AM
KP's First Corallary to Dave's First Collorary to the First and Second Rules of Dropped Objects: If you have a baby, said baby will automatically be attracted to the gummiest, greasiest spot that has said dropped item and put it immediately in his or her mouth.

:ROFL: I know that's right! :ROFL:

mommie4a
06-08-2005, 12:27 AM
Jill's First Corollary to Dave's First Rule of Dropped Objects: If said object is in a liquid state, such as milk, juice or alcohol, said object will spill its contents through the space that exists between the expandable sections of the table upon which it rests, thereby causing the liquid to flow, stream or dribble through the space, wet the expandable section and then gum up the floor.

JoeEkaitis
06-08-2005, 01:07 AM
Photography: The person who never wants to be photographed is the one who always complains about not being in any family photos.

Eggs: Eggs will always find the edge of any tabletop or counter, even if they must roll uphill to do so.

Egg yolks: Egg yolks are mysteriously driven to impale themselves on the most jagged edge of the egg shell.

Freeways, turnpikes and superhighways: You will eventually pass exits with the names Grand, Lincoln and Main, and usually within a mile of each other.

Queues: No amount of signage will encourage some people to make up their minds before they get to the front of the line.

Satellite/Cable TV: Adding more channels gives you more channels to surf past.

ChunkyC
06-08-2005, 02:16 AM
Chunky's First Rule of Inheritance: Where there's a Will, there's a family fighting over it.

ChunkyC
06-08-2005, 02:25 AM
Chunky'c First Rule of Incontinence: The odds of your zipper getting stuck are inversely proportional to the volume of beer you've ingested since the last time you took a leak.

First Corollary to Chunky's First Rule of Incontinence: The odds of you correctly targeting the urinal if you do manage to open your fly are inversely proportional to the volume of beer you've ingested since you last slept.

BradyH1861
06-08-2005, 02:43 AM
Brady's First Rule of Firefighting: You backup will arrive too late to make a difference, yet they will take the credit for everything you did.

Brady's Second Rule of Firefighting: Never enter a burning building with a person braver than yourself.

Brady's Third Rule of Firefighting: Remember, your equipment came from the company with the lowest bid....

Brady's Fourth Rule of Firefighting: NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER say "Boy, it sure has been a slow shift."

Brady's Fifth Rule of Firefighting: Right about the time you get trapped inside the building, someone will be on the radio giving a long winded description of some inconsequential fact to the dispatcher. Simply wait patiently for them to finish before trying to speak.

Brady's Sixth Rule of Firefighting: Do not make an a$$ of yourself when speaking to the media. The mayor and city council all watch the news.

Brady's Seventh Rule of Firefighting: Avoid the firefighter who does not ever admit to being afraid. Said firefighter will get you killed.

Brady's Rule of Firefighting for the General Public: If you ever see a fireman running away from something, it would be in your best interest to run as fast as you can in the direction he is heading....something might be about to blow.

Brady's First Rule of Emergency Vehicle Operation: The vehicle with the most tonnage has the right of way.

DaveKuzminski
06-08-2005, 03:42 PM
First Law of Division Business Meetings: If your department boss is away and a meeting is called, you can bet that your department will be asked a question that only he can answer.

Second Law of Division Business Meetings: If the topics are unimportant, more individuals will participate and the meeting will run overtime.

arrowqueen
06-09-2005, 02:10 AM
First Law of Machismo: If you can't find something, it's not because you're an idiot, who couldn't find his own *rse with both hands and a searchlight, it's because she moved it.

Second Law of Machismo: All domestic appliances (washing machine, vacuum, etc) are hers. The remote-conntrol is yours.

Third Law of Machismo: Despite the fact she has spent the last hour ironing your shirt, finding your socks/clean underwear/car keys, it's her fault you're running late.

Fourth Law of Machismo: Children who wake up crying/ill in the middle of the night are hers.

arrowqueen
06-09-2005, 02:11 AM
Naturally none of these laws apply to any of the men on this board, who are all nature's gentlemen.

WVWriterGirl
06-09-2005, 06:35 AM
WVWG's Second Corallary to Dave's First Collorary to the First and Second Rules of Dropped Objects: If you have a baby, said baby will retrieve gummy/greasy/sticky object, seek out an inattentive adult legal guardian and offer said dropped object to above-referenced adult, who will unknowingly take said object, thus soiling the hands of the adult and child.

WVWriterGirl
06-09-2005, 06:41 AM
WVWG's First Law of Elevator Mechanics: After pressing the lobby elevator call button, a car will not arrive until you take a seat in the lobby chairs offered "for your convenience". The act of sitting summons said elevator, making the action of sitting meaningless. Stading to await said elevator, however, renders the call buttons ineffective.

First Corollary to WVWG's First Law of Elevator Mechanics: An increase in the amount of individuals standing to wait for an elevator in a lobby only increases call-response time. However, it only takes one member of the standing group to take action and become seated to enable the call button function.

WVWG's Second Law of Elevator Mechanics: The urgency of the elevator trip directly affects the speed at which the elevator ascends or decends the shaft, causing the doors to open for phantom passengers on every intervening floor with an outing of the utmost importance and to glide quickly and efficiently to the destination when the jaunt is of no consequence.

DaveKuzminski
06-09-2005, 06:44 AM
First Law of Bad Joke Telling: When presenting a joke involving a minority, someone with a distinct physical feature, or someone from a particular state or country, all of the listeners will suddenly turn to look in one person's direction (because that person falls in that category) only when it becomes too late for the teller to halt.

Second Law of Bad Joke Telling: The person who's a member of the category involved in the joke not only has heard it before, but can usually tell it better.

Liam Jackson
06-09-2005, 07:11 AM
First Law of Machismo: If you can't find something, it's not because you're an idiot, who couldn't find his own *rse with both hands and a searchlight, it's because she moved it.

Second Law of Machismo: All domestic appliances (washing machine, vacuum, etc) are hers. The remote-conntrol is yours.

Third Law of Machismo: Despite the fact she has spent the last hour ironing your shirt, finding your socks/clean underwear/car keys, it's her fault you're running late.

Fourth Law of Machismo: Children who wake up crying/ill in the middle of the night are hers.

I resemble those remarks!
One addition: All the things YOU are responsible for maintaining on a day to day basis go with HER in the divorce.

Dawno
06-09-2005, 07:12 AM
Dawno's 1st law of Books In A Series: There's a book in the middle of the series you've decided to read from the beginning that you must read to understand some key part in all the latter books.
Dawno's corollary to the 1st Law: That book will always be 'currently out of stock, no current estimate of availability'
Dawno's 2nd law of Books In A Series: You get hooked when someone lends you a book from the middle of the series and you start collecting the paperbacks going back to the first book using Amazon and used book stores. You finally catch up to the most recent edition and it's only out in hardback.
Dawno's corollary to the 2nd law: You can't wait a whole year for the paperback to come out because you know something really exciting is going to happen.
Dawno's 3rd law of Books In A Series: If you get ridiculously attached to a secondary character there's a good chance they're going get killed off, move away, turn traitor or something else that ticks you off.
Dawno's corollary to the 3rd law: When that character's previous demise or lesser reversal turns out to be some sort of 'twist' and they're resurrected or redeemed you will still be angry about it.
Dawno's second corollary to the 3rd law: This will not stop you from buying the next book but now, for some reason, the writer has decided to either stop writing the series, take a strange new direction with the main character, stop writing about the main character as a main character anymore, just as a cameo part, or appears to have suffered a total mental breakdown and the books have become unreadable rants.

arrowqueen
06-10-2005, 02:34 AM
Fifth Law of Machismo: Of course you were listening. She just didn't tell you the relevant information.


(Scroll back to my addendum, Liam. :tongue)

DaveKuzminski
07-25-2005, 10:05 PM
Dave's Fourth Law of Music: If you buy a recording that contains a bonus track, the odds that the bonus track is live go up exponentially if you do not like music that was recorded live because much of the melody and lyrics are almost always drowned out by whistles and shouts from the audience.

Collolary to Dave's Fourth Law of Music: If you do not like live tracks, the bonus track will be listed only as a bonus track and not as a live track.

Dave's Fifth Law of Music: If you purchase a recording and there is a glitch, scratch, or other defect in the material, it will invariably occur in the one song that you like most.

Collolary to Dave's Fifth Law of Music: If the recording is a tape, such as a cassette where the media is recorded and then played in two directions, and there is a defect, said defect will affect two of the purchaser's favorites on the media.

Julie Worth
07-25-2005, 10:30 PM
Julieís Law of Future Marital Disharmony
Your date is attractive to you in direct proportion to his attractiveness to others.

Julieís Law of Music
Should your faithless lover dump you for another, your car radio will only play tunes applicable to your sad situation

Julieís Law of Upward Mobility
Other people are promoted according to how much money they've cost the company. Said money will be written off as educational expense. (Note that this law does not apply to you, only to other people.)

Julieís Rule for Winning Arguments with Argumentative People
Give up quickly, and refuse to say another word. Puzzled, they will continue to argue, supplying your words for you. Once they're carrying both sides of the debate, itís an even chance that they will lose.