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NeuroFizz
04-01-2009, 05:43 PM
After harping on and on about the need to finish projects, I’ve come to a grand realization. Finishing projects doesn’t get the chicks. No manner of personal pride and sense of accomplishment is of any interest to women in any way, and unless a successful man sits tilted due to an enlarged wallet (no fair stuffing with tissues), all of the competence in the world can’t replace public expression of an air of frustrated bewilderment jumping to excited elation, back down to angst, and up to the thrill of a new premise. I’ve become aware it’s totally outward resource that fuels the pheromones of sexual selection, with survival of the wittiest a close Plan B.

So, toss all of those mid-book scenes and push your laptop to the extreme edge of the round Starbuck’s table. Give a big sigh, followed by an excited squeal of enlightenment, and let the fingers fly on the keyboard. When the little lady with the plastic chest inquires about what you’re writing, scrap any attempt to explain how the current scene is just there to set a complexity of characterization, and pipe up in those same tones that accidentally escape your mouth when you ask the pharmacist where she keeps the jock itch medicine, “It’s about a vampire who needs two root canals!” Then, in a tone more appropriate for a funeral reception, utter with your watering eyes focused on the straining fabric of the lady’s breast area, “He just can’t find his sparkle unless SHE can touch his soul.” And just to make sure the hook is set, slowly push the adjacent chair back from the table with the tip of your shoe. This lady will reinforce the value of infatuative ideas, while you describe in detail how you intend to show the hero’s emotional predicament through his eye color, the way he’ll let his hair flip over his brow, and how he’ll take to plucking every hair follicle below his manly Adam’s Apple with a pair of needlenose pliers as penance for his emotional conflict.

I have to admit it has become apparent the chicks want linguistic wading pools of piss-warm adjectives and adverbs, the musical chaises of POV promiscuity, and above all totally hot man-lumps of muscle, gristle, and gonad. And the more linguistic the off-the-cuff idea development, the more spontaneous her afterglow of short-attention-span interest translates into the growth of your apparent desirability. But don’t slide into complacency. Just as she is nodding to the unfolding clarity of your story, flick to a fresh screen and let your fingers go again. Let a new idea come out, since any pause in Sesame Street flashes of action will lull her into remembering where she is and why she came there. Keep her mental images in full lubrication. You have another idea. A new source of angst and frustration. “No. Wait. Here’s my next one. This vampire finds most of his women in Yoga classes, but he suddenly discovers he has a Vegan allergy.” And if the young lady sitting at your table is of a vegetarian leaning, you now have her on the meat hook.

So, guys. Remember the reason you got into the writing business in the first place—to get those chicks who are brimming with kiddie-pool sentimentality, and without having to show your intellectual prowess by smoking a pipe. And what better way to accomplish that dream than by flushing all of that mid-book drivel and touting the venti flavor of the hour ideas to such receptive minds. You are a writer. You translate words into actions. And what better actions than those of an adoring chick? It’s time to charge your laptop batteries. Would she like to accompany you to your place to help?

Jersey Chick
04-01-2009, 05:46 PM
I stopped reading when I realized it was "chicks" (general) and not "Chick" (me.) If it ain't about me, it just sooooo ain't worth it. ;)

Cranky
04-01-2009, 05:55 PM
After harping on and on about the need to finish projects, Iíve come to a grand realization. Finishing projects doesnít get the chicks. No manner of personal pride and sense of accomplishment is of any interest to women in any way, and unless a successful man sits tilted due to an enlarged wallet (no fair stuffing with tissues), all of the competence in the world canít replace public expression of an air of frustrated bewilderment jumping to excited elation, back down to angst, and up to the thrill of a new premise. Iíve become aware itís totally outward resource that fuels the pheromones of sexual selection, with survival of the wittiest a close Plan B.

So, toss all of those mid-book scenes and push your laptop to the extreme edge of the round Starbuckís table. Give a big sigh, followed by an excited squeal of enlightenment, and let the fingers fly on the keyboard. When the little lady with the plastic chest inquires about what youíre writing, scrap any attempt to explain how the current scene is just there to set a complexity of characterization, and pipe up in those same tones that accidentally escape your mouth when you ask the pharmacist where she keeps the jock itch medicine, ďItís about a vampire who needs two root canals!Ē Then, in a tone more appropriate for a funeral reception, utter with your watering eyes focused on the straining fabric of the ladyís breast area, ďHe just canít find his sparkle unless SHE can touch his soul.Ē And just to make sure the hook is set, slowly push the adjacent chair back from the table with the tip of your shoe. This lady will reinforce the value of infatuative ideas, while you describe in detail how you intend to show the heroís emotional predicament through his eye color, the way heíll let his hair flip over his brow, and how heíll take to plucking every hair follicle below his manly Adamís Apple with a pair of needlenose pliers as penance for his emotional conflict.

I have to admit it has become apparent the chicks want linguistic wading pools of piss-warm adjectives and adverbs, the musical chaises of POV promiscuity, and above all totally hot man-lumps of muscle, gristle, and gonad. And the more linguistic the off-the-cuff idea development, the more spontaneous her afterglow of short-attention-span interest translates into the growth of your apparent desirability. But donít slide into complacency. Just as she is nodding to the unfolding clarity of your story, flick to a fresh screen and let your fingers go again. Let a new idea come out, since any pause in Sesame Street flashes of action will lull her into remembering where she is and why she came there. Keep her mental images in full lubrication. You have another idea. A new source of angst and frustration. ďNo. Wait. Hereís my next one. This vampire finds most of his women in Yoga classes, but he suddenly discovers he has a Vegan allergy.Ē And if the young lady sitting at your table is of a vegetarian leaning, you now have her on the meat hook.

So, guys. Remember the reason you got into the writing business in the first placeóto get those chicks who are brimming with kiddie-pool sentimentality, and without having to show your intellectual prowess by smoking a pipe. And what better way to accomplish that dream than by flushing all of that mid-book drivel and touting the venti flavor of the hour ideas to such receptive minds. You are a writer. You translate words into actions. And what better actions than those of an adoring chick? Itís time to charge your laptop batteries. Would she like to accompany you to your place to help?

Well, you had me at "totally hot man-lumps". I mean, c'mon. That's dead sexay.

Hee. I'm so punny.

Jersey Chick
04-01-2009, 06:01 PM
hmmm... methinks I'll go back and re-read... :D

maestrowork
04-01-2009, 06:03 PM
My sports car gets the chicks.

My writing gets sparkling vampires. Wheeee!

Meredith
04-01-2009, 06:46 PM
ďNo. Wait. Hereís my next one. This vampire finds most of his women in Yoga classes, but he suddenly discovers he has a Vegan allergy.Ē

Oh, my god. I am suddenly, wildly attracted to you! *CLING* Tell us more!

:flag:

maestrowork
04-01-2009, 06:54 PM
Fizz, we all know finishing doesn't impress the chicks. it's the "getting there" that is important.

Nateskate
04-01-2009, 08:52 PM
I find that telling anyone about my stories is just a seque for them to change the subject to them. "I want to talk about me...I want to talk about my..."

Maybe you'll find your dream when you hit twenty weeks on the bestseller's list, and hang out with Oprah, and your face is splashed on E.T, and they show your 20,000 square foot crib on M.T.V? But then it's not really about the book is it?

IThinkICan29
04-01-2009, 09:36 PM
I stopped reading when I realized it was "chicks" (general) and not "Chick" (me.) If it ain't about me, it just sooooo ain't worth it. ;)

Dit-Freakin'-Oh!

Danthia
04-01-2009, 09:36 PM
There was a Sports Night episode that had the same theme :) Dan had writer's block until he remembered why he wrote int he first place. To impress women.

That was also the episode that had big giant blue things at two dollars off. Man, I miss that show.

C.M.C.
04-02-2009, 12:05 AM
"I write books no one's ever read" is still better than any other line I could come up with to impress the ladies.

Jana K White
04-02-2009, 02:33 AM
*facepalm* Holy cow. How do you guys not get this.... Finishing doesn't get the chicks, at least you got that part right. The trick is...(c'mere, I've gotta whisper this part to heighten the dramatic impact)....you have to let the chicks finish first. Capiche????:tongue

blacbird
04-02-2009, 03:17 AM
Fizz, we all know finishing doesn't impress the chicks. it's the "getting there" that is important.

Yeah. You don't want to finish too quickly.

caw

naimas
04-02-2009, 04:34 AM
Children's writers never get the chicks, finishing or not.

I do get dark beer, dark chocolate, expensive meal splurges, trips to movies, etc. Besides, I GET my girlfriend whether I finish or not!!!

NeuroFizz
04-02-2009, 05:24 AM
*facepalm* Holy cow. How do you guys not get this.... Finishing doesn't get the chicks, at least you got that part right. The trick is...(c'mere, I've gotta whisper this part to heighten the dramatic impact)....you have to let the chicks finish first. Capiche????
Jana, Jana, Jana. Remember the post date, and don't think there wasn't more than a fair shake of ironic lampooning in the original post, including a not so subtle inversion-of-intent of the primary thesis.

Jana K White
04-02-2009, 06:22 AM
Fizz, you are loquacious to a fault. *sigh* Just how I like 'em!!!!!! Carry on!