It's time for Horror Hounds to reclaim the vampire

Haggis

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I've had it with these romance authors and young adult writers who have blatantly stolen the vampires from our beloved horror genre. I say it's time we took them back. The problem is that we need to adapt to modern times.

Today's reader refuses to deal with an evil, blood-sucking dead thing who can turn himself into a bat on a whim. It's simply not believable any more. Instead, we need to create new characters, exciting characters, characters who today's readers can identify with. In other words, we have to change the mythos. For my money, Stephenie Meyer already nailed it. She's leading the way. I strongly suggest we grab onto her coattails and go along for the ride.

Think about it. What is so wrong with a vampire who prefers fruits and vegetables to blood? Why shouldn't a vampire sparkle? And what's so icky about a hundred year old vampire falling for a teenager? If they're both in love, and especially if they both have an affinity for adverbs, I say it's their business.

So, it's up to you. Adapt or don't. But I've already made my choice. Now watch me sparkle.
 

Calla Lily

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Ooooh.... sparkles...


So now you're saying I have to rewrite my studly, bloodsucking, chainsaw-carving vamp and make him SPARKLE?

Ah, crap. I'm a publication whore. *starts scribbling*
 

Cranky

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No. Just. No.

WEREWOLVES are where it's at, man. I'm tellin' ya. You've been staring at your Edward poster too long...all those sparkles have driven you insane.

So, so, sad.
 

LaurieD

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I prefer my vampire bloody and evil. I mean, where's the challenge in seducing a sparkly vampire? Seduce a vampire who wants to drain you of your life blood and you're on to something.

Besides, sparkles are for MLP.
 

Shail

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Ooooh.... sparkles...


So now you're saying I have to rewrite my studly, bloodsucking, chainsaw-carving vamp and make him SPARKLE?

Ah, crap. I'm a publication whore. *starts scribbling*


Nuh-uh. He's already studly. He doesn't need to sparkle. He's a modern vamp for mature audiences. Sparkly is for teenagers and prom queen glitter girls.
 

Shail

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*Takes off scarf and leather bracers* Good. Those were getting hot. Does it count if I have my own, naturally occuring fangs?
 

Kerr

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Sparkling clean vamps? What is going on in this place? Is it a deadly new and contagious virus?
 

Shail

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From what I understood it's about survival of the-uh-most adaptable. The Forum needed money, so it adapted, by submitting to the undead. Like me. I'm the minion, now. *shrug* Adaptation bites.
 

Kerr

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Very well. I just went and brushed with whitener.
 

GhostAuthor

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I'm with you guys! I despise the 'pretty' vampire. Give me blood sucking beasts who refuse to feel 'guilty' about ensuring their own survival!

Haggis, lead the way. . . I'm right behind 'ya!

P. S - Anyone else note something about the date today?
 
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FOTSGreg

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Aw, now the world is truly ending - Haggis has fallen victim and become minion to the Vegan-Meyer Vampire Disease (VMVD fr short). I'm afraid there's absolutely no hope for the patient once that occurs and I judge him irredeemably corrupted.

Haggis shall be fed to the zombies at Dawn, the prequel to Day which is the prequel to Dusk which is the pre-prequel/sequel to Twilight which is the actual Twilight which is the prequel to Night. And somewhere in there there's a Dusk Till Dawn book which is a pre-pre-prequel/sequel which ties everything together.

Oh, and they're all so sparkly you'll be setting your room on fire just trying to read the books.
 

Shail

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Not to worry. I think we can fix this. What did you use? Looks like alum, in which case it should wear off eventually. In the mean time relax, take off your shoes and I'll give you a nice foot rub to relieve your stress.
 

TedTheewen

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I've got it! A vampire who is a soccer mom, drives an SUV hybrid and teaches recyling classes at the day camps. I'll have to make sure she's politically correct.

Wait. I can't do this anymore. I hate vampires. Melodramatic pansies. They couldn't be more of a douche with pink shirts and popped collars. It's killing them that's fun.
 

Shail

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I've got it! A vampire who is a soccer mom, drives an SUV hybrid and teaches recyling classes at the day camps. I'll have to make sure she's politically correct.

Wait. I can't do this anymore. I hate vampires. Melodramatic pansies. They couldn't be more of a douche with pink shirts and popped collars. It's killing them that's fun.

Just a few. When I'm done with Kerr's foot rub I'll get to you. I'm immune to the Twilight stuff, so I get after April fools therapy duty. Any other takers for massage anti-trauma therapy? Since this is an international forum I'm still Callalily's evil minion until midnight tomorrow.
 

Kerr

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Not to worry. I think we can fix this. What did you use? Looks like alum, in which case it should wear off eventually. In the mean time relax, take off your shoes and I'll give you a nice foot rub to relieve your stress.


Okay, Shail, but I warn you, it won't be pretty. My nails have been growing at an unnatural rate ever since I was first bitten. I wonder what alum might do for that?
 
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Shail

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Okay, Shail, but I warn you, it won't be pretty. My nails have been growing at an unnatural rate ever since I was first bitten. I wonder what alum might do for that?

http://www.toefun.com/d12toeugly2.JPG


I am not deterred. And we can fix that too. A nice hot soak in epsom salts a little filing, some scrubbing with pumice stones, and they'll be good as new, for about a week. Unless of course you were bitten by the Bavarian black tailed toe nibbler, in which case your toenails will require a welding torch, which I keep handy.
 

Kerr

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No, that's good. It wasn't the Bavarian black tailed toe nibbler. It was Snoop Doggie's Daddy did it. But you are a wonder of a minion to so bravely face the unknown. Muhha-ha-ha!
 

Calla Lily

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Just a few. When I'm done with Kerr's foot rub I'll get to you. I'm immune to the Twilight stuff, so I get after April fools therapy duty. Any other takers for massage anti-trauma therapy? Since this is an international forum I'm still Callalily's evil minion until midnight tomorrow.

*works on a Minion To-Do list*

*tries to keep it PG-13*