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scarletpeaches
04-01-2009, 05:08 PM
Hi, sorry if this is in the wrong place but there's nothing in SYW that suits. I'm starting a new genre made up out of my own head called "Chaste Erotica". Maybe MacCannister could add a new page to teh SYW forum, unless she's a looser.

Anyway please crit. Here is chapter one from my novel, "Bite Me". I have spended months on this; do your worst:

Once upon a time I went to live with someone far away and he was like, totes unimportant but I needed an excuse to go somewhere it rained a lot. My hair went frizzy but it smelled of strawberries.

I went to school and like, everyone there asked me out even though I'm like, not pretty. Anyway the boys there were oogy except for this one guy who was like, really pale and stuff? And his brothers and sisters were really pretty but not as pretty as him.

Anyway one night he broke into my house and we made out. Then some guy hit on me and my new boyfriend totes tore his ass up and I was like, "My hero."

The End.

Adam
04-01-2009, 05:15 PM
A fascinating insight into the life of a girl wot smells of strawbs.

I like the overall structure of the piece, and feel it flows well. One small point though, you didn't indent the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs.

I would definitely buy this book.

thethinker42
04-01-2009, 05:16 PM
do your worst:

Fair enough, seeing as how you've obviously done your worst...


Once upon a timeWay cliche. Should totes be "It was the best of times, it was the worst of dark and stormy nights to call me Ishmael."


I went to live with someone far awayWith gas prices being what they are, I think you really should try to stay local. Perhaps move up the street, to live with the old dude with halitosis and a wooden leg.


and he was like, totes unimportant but I needed an excuse to go somewhere it rained a lot.See, this is where I'd like to see the zombies introduced. You really shouldn't wait to introduce the zombies. Readers get impatient, you know.


My hair went frizzy but it smelled of strawberries.You know, people these days want more pizazz. I think if your hair burst into flames and smelled like rotting grapefruit, you might be able to capture the attention of today's audiences.


I went to school and like, everyone there asked me out even though I'm like, not pretty.So wait, is she the zombie? Or are the other students vampires? I'm lost. Need more clarification here.


Anyway the boys there were oogy except for this one guy who was like, really pale and stuff? And his brothers and sisters were really pretty but not as pretty as him.I would phrase it "As you know, Bob, his brothers and sisters..." Just fits so much better.


Anyway one night he broke into my house and we made out. Then some guy hit on me and my new boyfriend totes tore his ass up You know, I'm all for gratuitous violence, but this gratuitous sexual content is just gratuitously unnecessary and really should be cut out. I would suggest replacing it with a gratuitous visit to the old folks' home to read them wholesome stories about the good old days.


and I was like, "My hero."Now here we have a case of telling instead of showing. I need to know how he's your hero. "My hero." Bleh. Need something like "He went all Chuck Norris on the rampaging zombies and destroyed them all using nothing but a stick of gum, a roll of duct tape, and a half-burned copy of The Da Vinci Code." THEN I could see him being you hero. In fact, he'd be my hero. Tru fax.


The End.Now see, this is just done to death. We really need something more poignant. Like..."Fin." Perhaps with a shark swimming by so that we could SEE the fin and also see that you, good author, have clearly jumped the shark.

All in all, it sucks. never write again.

thethinker42
04-01-2009, 05:17 PM
A fascinating insight into the life of a girl wot smells of strawbs.

I like the overall structure of the piece, and feel it flows well. One small point though, you didn't indent the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs.

I would definitely buy this book.

Don't listen to him. He's clearly delusional.

maestrowork
04-01-2009, 05:18 PM
Hi, sorry if this is in the wrong place but there's nothing in SYW that suits. I'm starting a new genre made up out of my own head called "Chaste Erotica". Maybe MacCannister could add a new page to teh SYW forum, unless she's a looser.

Anyway please crit. Here is chapter one from my novel, "Bite Me". I have spended months on this; do your worst:

Once upon a time I went to live with someone far away and he was like, totes unimportant but I needed an excuse to go somewhere it rained a lot. My hair went frizzy but it smelled of strawberries.

I went to school and like, everyone there asked me out even though I'm like, not pretty. Anyway the boys there were oogy except for this one guy who was like, really pale and stuff? And his brothers and sisters were really pretty but not as pretty as him.

Anyway one night he broke into my house and we made out. Then some guy hit on me and my new boyfriend totes tore his ass up and I was like, "My hero."

The End.


You just described my high school, except I was the guy who was pale and stuff.

Adam
04-01-2009, 05:19 PM
Don't listen to him. He's clearly delusional.

Lies! I r haf all my fackultees! :D

scarletpeaches
04-01-2009, 05:20 PM
An menny clevers!

Zipotes
04-01-2009, 05:20 PM
Scarlet, your siggy is scaring me.

thethinker42
04-01-2009, 05:21 PM
Lies! I r haf all my fackultees! :D


An menny clevers!

Looserz.

scarletpeaches
04-01-2009, 05:23 PM
Scarlet, your siggy is scaring me.

He is a right proper man, what stalks people and makes them feel loved. Jelouse looser.

Adam
04-01-2009, 05:24 PM
An menny clevers!

Mor than a tre!


Looserz.

More than looserz too. They haf only fiev cleverz.

Zipotes
04-01-2009, 05:24 PM
He is a right proper man, what stalks people and makes them feel loved. Jelouse looser.

I'll try to be more stalkworthy. I want to feel loved, too.

thethinker42
04-01-2009, 05:25 PM
More than looserz too. They haf only fiev cleverz.

I have an endless well of clevers. Do not trifle with me, n00b, or I will unleash mah cleverz.

Ah wull.

Don't tempt meh.

Adam
04-01-2009, 05:27 PM
I have an endless well of clevers. Do not trifle with me, n00b, or I will unleash mah cleverz.

Ah wull.

Don't tempt meh.


Eye'll bee gud. Prommis, wif no crozzed finngers or nuffink!

scarletpeaches
04-01-2009, 05:27 PM
I has eleventy billion clevers.

thethinker42
04-01-2009, 05:28 PM
Eye'll bee gud. Prommis, wif no crozzed finngers or nuffink!

U better. Or der wull be trubblez.


I has eleventy billion clevers.

You haz eleventy billion stupidz.

Cranky
04-01-2009, 05:28 PM
This would be loads better if your MC's boyfriend were a WEREWOLF...vamps sux. Heee Heeee HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

poetinahat
04-01-2009, 05:30 PM
I think this is great. Amazon could bundle-sell it with my Vampirotic noir love-story, Fangs for the Mammaries.




i'm no good at this twilight stuff...

thethinker42
04-01-2009, 05:30 PM
This would be loads better if your MC's boyfriend were a WEREWOLF...vamps sux. Heee Heeee HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Pfft. The boyfriend should totes be Chuck Norris.

A vampire Chuck Norris.

But then, wouldn't a vampire Chuck Norris starve to death, because Chuck Norris doesn't suck?

Adam
04-01-2009, 05:30 PM
Werewolves need far too much grooming. And have you ever tried to worm one? Yeesh.

thethinker42
04-01-2009, 05:31 PM
Werewolves need far too much grooming. And have you ever tried to worm one? Yeesh.

Pfft. Try WAXING one.

Adam
04-01-2009, 05:32 PM
Pfft. Try WAXING one.

Not enough candles in the WORLD! :D

thethinker42
04-01-2009, 05:33 PM
Not enough candles in the WORLD! :D

Nah. Only need a few.

Melt.
Pour.
Rip.
Roll into hairy waxball.
Repeat.

Cranky
04-01-2009, 05:34 PM
Pfft. The boyfriend should totes be Chuck Norris.

A vampire Chuck Norris.

But then, wouldn't a vampire Chuck Norris starve to death, because Chuck Norris doesn't suck?

That's why Chuck is actually a werewolf. That's why she should make her MC one. Martial arts proficient werewolf? Total WIN.

Adam
04-01-2009, 05:35 PM
Nah. Only need a few.

Melt.
Pour.
Rip.
Roll into hairy waxball.
Repeat.

Then sell hairy waxballs as novelty candles?

Adam like idea.

scarletpeaches
04-01-2009, 05:36 PM
My MC's boyf is Mattastrophe, then everyone will haz menny luvs 4 him. Tru fax.

thethinker42
04-01-2009, 05:36 PM
Then sell hairy waxballs as novelty candles?

Adam like idea.

It's all about the merchandising, baby.


My MC's boyf is Mattastrophe, then everyone will haz menny luvs 4 him. Tru fax.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

scarletpeaches
04-01-2009, 05:41 PM
Come up with somefin moar betterer then.

My vampires is Australian. So there.

thethinker42
04-01-2009, 05:42 PM
Come up with somefin moar betterer then.

My vampires is Australian. So there.

My vampire is so badass, I had to have scientists instead of casting directors.

They combined the DNA of Hugh Jackman, Jared Leto, Colin Farrell, rpattz, and the badass (but highly unsexy) DNA of Chuck Norris to create the ultimate actor:

Hugefarreleto Norrischuckz.

scarletpeaches
04-01-2009, 05:44 PM
Mah vampiers go, "Strewth!" then suck teh strine out of your necks wiv teir fangs, then go all like, "Bonza, Sheila!"

So there.

Matera the Mad
04-01-2009, 05:54 PM
I think you all need to study up on the finer aspects of vermilion prose.

Ambrosia
04-01-2009, 06:30 PM
I think you all need to study up on the finer aspects of vermilion prose.:roll:

Ol' Fashioned Girl
04-01-2009, 07:21 PM
I have bile in the back of my throat. I give it a 10 outta 10.

NeuroFizz
04-01-2009, 07:27 PM
Hey, Scarlet--one comment on yer fantastical beginning. Just remember the old adage. If a woman's hair frizzles in chapter one, it should, like, entangle someone or something by chapter four.

Adam
04-01-2009, 07:59 PM
I think you all need to study up on the finer aspects of vermilion prose.

I don liek vermicelli... sticks to teef. :(

Adam
04-01-2009, 08:00 PM
Hugefarreleto Norrischuckz.

That is the coolest name I have ever heard.

NeuroFizz
04-01-2009, 08:03 PM
Hugefarreleto Norrischuckz.
Can't use it. I think it's the genus and species name of some hydrothemal vent worm from the Mid-Altantic rift system.

scarletpeaches
04-01-2009, 08:04 PM
Hey, Scarlet--one comment on yer fantastical beginning. Just remember the old adage. If a woman's hair frizzles in chapter one, it should, like, entangle someone or something by chapter four.

At last! A serious answer from someone what appreciates proper litrashur!

Cranky
04-01-2009, 08:09 PM
Can't use it. I think it's the genus and species name of some hydrothemal vent worm from the Mid-Altantic rift system.

We've been over this, Das Fizzle. You can't copyright a name. Geeze!

scarletpeaches
04-01-2009, 08:11 PM
HOLY CRAP!

I better draw mah charactuhs ded quick so no1 stealz dem!!!

NeuroFizz
04-01-2009, 08:11 PM
Fine. Piss off the worms. Vampires will be the least of your problems.

Cranky
04-01-2009, 08:13 PM
HOLY CRAP!

I better draw mah charactuhs ded quick so no1 stealz dem!!!

Darn tootin'. That's some fine lit-er-a-chure you wrote there. I still say it needs more wolves, though.


Fine. Piss off the worms. Vampires will be the least of your problems.

What? Will the worms sparkle me to death, too?

NeuroFizz
04-01-2009, 08:16 PM
What? Will the worms sparkle me to death, too?
From the inside out.

Cranky
04-01-2009, 08:27 PM
From the inside out.

That sounds sexy.

Oh, damn. NO!! NO! I <3 JACOB FUR-EVER!! Down with vamps and Sparkle worms of death!

Even though they sound like, totes kewl.

Devil Ledbetter
04-01-2009, 08:50 PM
I think this is great. Amazon could bundle-sell it with my Vampirotic noir love-story, Fangs for the Mammaries.
.You can't use this. I've already copyrighted it for my breastfeeding memoir.