How many of you are now IRS Auditors? (Not what you think)

MamaLou · Mar 31, 2009

Okay, I'm going on a rant here but it happened again yesterday and it's fresh in my mind...

How often have you met a new person and had a lovely, delightful conversation where you think, "Oh, I like this person. We could be friends".

THEN, the conversation gets to, "What do you do?" And "it" happens...

"I'm a freelance writer."
"Oh? That must be exciting."
blah, blah, blah
yadda, yadda, yadda

Time passes and "We should get together for lunch."
"Great, let's set that up."

Time passes, we get together for lunch. We have a nice lunch filled with laughter, good company, really nice time and then...

*BAM*

"Hey, I brought this (article, magazine, book, short story, fill in the blank) to see if you would look at it and help me out. I'd like to get it published and I was hoping you'd teach me how you do it."

"Um, not in a hour, I can't. And I usually charge an hourly rate for stuff like this."

"But, we're friiiieeeeennnnnnndddddds."

"Not anymore, we're not."

Really? What makes these people think that as a writer I am open to them for "teaching them" how to do any of this? No one taught me the business, I learned it on my own. I bought books, I actually READ the books, I surfed the 'net, I have this board... I did it "myself" with only a bit of gentle prodding along the way from other published writers. I give advice here and other boards. I get advice here and at other boards. We have a sympatico relationship. It never occurred to me to pin someone down and demand they help me all in the name of "friendship".

I actually had someone who called me daily for about two months, both on my cell and my home phone (given to them by a well-meaning co-worker. She's now dead to me! LOL) until I finally changed my numbers. They caught me a few months after that in the grocery store and asked why I did that and I told them, "Because I'm not an editor and you won't leave me alone."

How many of you now wish you were telling people you were an auditor for the IRS? Or a mortician? Or a septic tank cleaner? Or a handler of bio-medical waste? Or a meth lab owner? Or a mercenary in South America? Or the killer of kittens for the sake of watching them die?

Gawd, I'm exhausted...

Ol' Fashioned Girl · Mar 31, 2009

"You write books!? That's FANtastic! I've got this great idea for a novel! I can tell it to you; you can write it; and we can split the profits 90me/10you! I can't BELIEVE my luck!"

zoomusic · Mar 31, 2009

Tell 'em you're a colonoscopist, lol.

stldenise · Mar 31, 2009

Gee, I'm not that good yet. And usually I tell people I'm a freelancer and explain that I "string for the Post". Saying you're a newspaper reporter must make people think of Less Nessman or something. A few times I get people who ask me to cover something for them, then I have to break it to them that the editor picks what goes into the paper, not me.

SouthernFriedJulie · Mar 31, 2009

When I get too irritated I tell people I choose the music for certain films no one under 18 should watch.

Then I get, "Ew, I always hate that music." and it makes me wonder just how much of that stuff they're watching!

Nancy · Mar 31, 2009

I much prefer telling people I'm a freelance writer to telling them I'm a therapist. I usually get, "Ooh, can I ask you about my 14-yr. old twins?" Uh, no, not unless the meter is running...

MamaLou · Mar 31, 2009

Oh, you guys gave me such a good laugh this morning! I was sharing this with my son while I was taking him to school and he started running with it...

His choices:

I write for Aryan Nation Monthly
I write for Dominatrix Monthly
I clean roadkill off the side of the highway

He was cracking me up this morning. He sees me as "Mom" not as a writer. My husband sees me as "Honey, what's for dinner", not as a writer. My oldest friends see me as, "Nancy, who's hair I held while she threw up after a really great party at so and so's house." You guys see me as "Someone who posts here but we totally get since she's in the same boat as us."

Nancy - I feel for you, hon... I think that would drive me bonkers. Have you considered carrying around insurance forms and a timer of some sort to pull out of your purse when people start in with, "What's wrong with my teenager?"

The users of the world, the ones who expect you to "not get paid" for what you do make me want to forget I have religion.

Clair Dickson · Mar 31, 2009

I just tell people I'm a teacher. English and History.
Inevitably, the answers is, "Oh, I hated my English and/or History teachers!" Or sometimes, "How can you stand working with teenagers?"

It's a pretty good conversation killer.

If I want to be a pain, I ask, "Which job? I have four. Oh, and I write." Then it gets into, you have FOUR jobs-- how do you find time to write?" Usually, this also works really well for getting out of any additional requests. If not, I can start talking about what my day/ weekend to-do list includes. That usually does it. =)

Kitty Pryde · Mar 31, 2009

I can sort of relate. When I was in school, and after, I used to tell people I was a human biology major (cause I was). You have NO IDEA how many people would say, 'Oh, look at this gross thing, what do you think it is?' and then PARTIALLY DISROBE BEFORE I COULD BEG THEM NOT TO, and show me some HORROR of an infection, boil, rash, bump, or spot. Or ask me to 'Feel this bump.' (uh! no thanks!) Or tell me a really gross/private story that should really be reserved for their physician.

Like a human biology undergrad is in any way qualified to diagnose anything. Usually I would throw my hands over my face, shouting "GAH! Go to Urgent Care! For the love of god!" And then in the future resolve to say I was a 'Symbolic Systems' major because no one knows what that is.

MamaLou · Mar 31, 2009

Kitty Pryde said:
I can sort of relate. When I was in school, and after, I used to tell people I was a human biology major (cause I was). You have NO IDEA how many people would say, 'Oh, look at this gross thing, what do you think it is?' and then PARTIALLY DISROBE BEFORE I COULD BEG THEM NOT TO, and show me some HORROR of an infection, boil, rash, bump, or spot. Or ask me to 'Feel this bump.' (uh! no thanks!) Or tell me a really gross/private story that should really be reserved for their physician.

Like a human biology undergrad is in any way qualified to diagnose anything. Usually I would throw my hands over my face, shouting "GAH! Go to Urgent Care! For the love of god!" And then in the future resolve to say I was a 'Symbolic Systems' major because no one knows what that is.

Between this post and colonoscopist, I don't know which one made me laugh more...

I actually held my head in my hands laughing at both of them! Disrobing in front of you! That slays me... Time to whip out the camera... Just tell them the photos you don't use get uploaded to a porn site. A girl's gotta make a living and those tuition bills don't pay themselves...

blueobsidian · Mar 31, 2009

I'm like Nancy -- I prefer telling people I am a writer than telling people about my day job (baker/pastry chef). As soon as that information comes out, all I hear is "can you bake me something" or "my cousin's brother's friend is getting married in three weeks, can you do the cake for $30?"

MamaLou · Mar 31, 2009

blueobsidian said:
I'm like Nancy -- I prefer telling people I am a writer than telling people about my day job (baker/pastry chef). As soon as that information comes out, all I hear is "can you bake me something" or "my cousin's brother's friend is getting married in three weeks, can you do the cake for $30?"

Something similar to this happened to a good friend of mine. She works for a frosting distributor (you might know them, it's, um, Flvor Right Foods. She is a sales rep for them and travels the country doing decorating stuff for various grocery stores, etc. A, uh, erm, okay, let's call her a friend, of hers asked her if she would make the cake for her upcoming wedding and she would pay her for it? My friend agreed to do it and they had several meetings about it. The bride ended up wanting a multi-tiered cake but she also wanted a decorated styrofoam thing for showing... She wanted live plants on it in spite of my friend telling her it would bleed, etc.

Anyway, comes the day before the wedding and my friend called this person about delivery, etc. Her "friend" gives her all the info and then says how much she appreciates my friend doing this as a wedding gift and she'll never forget it, blah, blah, blah... When my friend reminded her she had promised to pay for the cake the bride was flabberghasted and started on a rant, "How can you do this to me? And the day before my wedding!" (more rants, more tears, more screaming at my friend). My friend also reminded her that she tried to get her to agree to a fee each time they met to discuss it as this cake wasn't cheap. the bride always put her off with, "I'll call you next week and we'll talk about it then. The girl told her they'd talk about it when she got back from her honeymoon. Nope... Unless they had a formal agreement and she was paid on delivery, there wasn't going to be a cake, styrofoam or otherwise.

Guess who didn't have a cake at her wedding?

Autodidact · Mar 31, 2009

It's a good thing you're not a mammographer.

cllorentson · Mar 31, 2009

This has actually been a pet peeve of mine since my youth. I was fourteen when I decided to seriously pursue writing as a job, and with youthful enthusiasm I announced that this was what I wanted to do. Almost immediately, people came out of the woodwork--"Oh, you like to write? Let me tell you what you should write about. Why aren't you writing about [fill in the blank]?"

I grew up in a small town in Texas with a dismal library and no internet. Everything I learned about writing I dug up on my own, from infrequent trips to the massive libraries in San Antonio, and from the (very!) expired copy of Writer's Market in my local library. When I actually had a few published pieces under my belt, then people were REALLY intrigued. "You're a published writer? I have this story I want you to write for me. You can send it in for me and get it published since you know how to do all that..."

I finally got up the nerve to tell the umpteenth person who asked me that, to go to the library and check out Writer's Market, and send their work off to the appropriate editors. The response was, "Well I don't want to do all that. Can't you just send it in for me?" That person actually dumped a handwritten manuscript, full of typos and horrendous grammar, for me to polish and type up for them. Mind you, I had only a typewriter at the time, not even a computer.

I look at it this way--I learned how to write and get published with almost no resources, and no mentor holding my hand. Today we have so many resources for guidance, and so many places to be published, there's no excuse for someone wanting you to do their work for them.

Of course, I'm not ornery enough to say this to the folks who still ask me to "hook them up" with a publisher. And my husband wonders why I don't tell everyone we meet that I'm a writer.

jeffo · Mar 31, 2009

I'm still working on actually admitting I'm a writer to people...

Skyraven · Mar 31, 2009

Its really a toss up for me whether or not I tell people I'm a writer or therapist. Being that I don't have my license to practice, I can't charge for therapy. But, I do limit my advice to my parenting site. That way at least I get a penny for every time someone clicks through! LOL. I also talk to people about my writing, but rarely get asked to do anything. I've helped people with their resumes, but I ask to keep the "before and after" resumes as samples for my portfolio.

HeidiW · Mar 31, 2009

Now this is interesting. All my life I've had careers/jobs that can't be explained just by saying "I do X" or "I'm an X" or anything simple like that. Whenever I've said one of those things the response was "What the heck is that?" or "You do what?"

So maybe now I can finally accomplish my life goal of having a role that I can explain in one short sentence! And I won't mind whatever reactions I get because at least those responses won't be "Huh???"

Heidi

StephanieFox · Apr 1, 2009

I wish I had this problem. I also sell real estate. I wish people would say, "Oh, real estate! I wanna buy a house. Do you think you could help me out?"

Matera the Mad · Apr 1, 2009

I'm an esthetic engineer.

Tasmin21 · Apr 2, 2009

I always took a line out of Friends:

"I'm a transponster!"
"That's not even a word!"

deserata · Apr 2, 2009

I'm a studio art major...I don't even bother to tell people that I write, too!

When I tell them I'm working toward a BFA, the usual response is: "Oh. What are you going to do with that?"

I'm so tired of being asked this that I just say, "Starve."

Bringing up the whole writing thing would only make it worse...

Nivarion · Apr 2, 2009

blueobsidian said:
I'm like Nancy -- I prefer telling people I am a writer than telling people about my day job (baker/pastry chef). As soon as that information comes out, all I hear is "can you bake me something" or "my cousin's brother's friend is getting married in three weeks, can you do the cake for $30?"

OH ME GADS! $30? that wouldn't even buy the eggs for a wedding cake. (ROFL) Me and my mom run a wedding cake bakerie out of the house, and a good cake can run a person up to about $300! lol. we have done them as gifts, but the people have to buy all of the ingredients, give word of mouth and all of that.

James81 · Apr 2, 2009

Why don't you write a book teaching people the stuff you learned about writing, and the next time this happens go "sure, just buy my book and read it. it'll tell you everything you need to know. How 'bout them Wildcats?"

Win/win. Your "friend" gets the knowledge they seek, you get your royalty.

MamaLou · Apr 2, 2009

esuna said:
I'm a studio art major...I don't even bother to tell people that I write, too!

When I tell them I'm working toward a BFA, the usual response is: "Oh. What are you going to do with that?"

I'm so tired of being asked this that I just say, "Starve."

Bringing up the whole writing thing would only make it worse...

This is a good one... When I was in college I would tell people I was majoring in English. I usually got the same response of, "And what do you plan to do with that?"

My answer was: "Hold the door at the unemployment office for all the Philosophy majors."

StephanieWeippert · Apr 2, 2009

It's not just writers guys!
My dayjob is a Massage Therapist. Do you know how many times I've been asked "Could you just get rid of this one knot in my shoulder, Pleeeeesee?"
My stock answer is to hand them my business card and tell them my rates. If they persist, I say "I don't do it for free" in a hokey southern accent.

How many of you are now IRS Auditors? (Not what you think)

Hand? What hand?

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